Life has been chaotic lately, but in a really good way…the kind of way leaves you smiling from ear to ear, laughing until you get cramps and uh feeling the type of pleasure that rumbles the earth underneath you (YAS GAWD–more on this later).
As I mentioned previously, I’m resuming my place in the land of
happiness general contentment again. Sure, certain things have evolved and progressed in my life, but moreless, I also think my most recent episode with depression is subsiding just a bit, especially with the warmer weather and longer daylight hours. I believe with depression, you can use coping mechanisms, regularly medicate, talk it out and still feel this black hole of emptiness, especially if something devastating or traumatic occurs unexpectedly to send your already unsettled emotions into a tailspin. I always find myself at times feeling ashamed on this lingering sadness, but depression is a disease and not something I have the ability to ever fully shut off. I can only control ways to cope with it and remind myself that “it’s ok, I’m human”.
One of the more (I guess) funnier or should I say, “interesting” things I’m entertaining as I absorb this new lease on life is dating. I’ve spoken about this quite a bit up here, but in a nutshell it’s going and I’m having fun all while learning a lot about myself and the guy(s) I’m seeing. Like I’ve learned that I’m more of planner and prefer to have an idea about a date/activity a day or more in advance. Unless I’ve been with someone a while and our lives have become intertwined, it triggers my anxiety for a guy to ask what I’m doing THAT night or even several hours before. Even if I’m free, I find myself needing to be in the right mindset. Luckily though, I haven’t had to entertain this too much because most of the time I am actually already tied up by that point.
I’ve also learned (and reminded myself) to not rely or put a great deal of real estate or committment into anyone until they also step up and make their intentions on those things known as well. Right now, I’m not to that point with anyone. I really just find myself in the phase of just having fun and getting to know people and that’s ok. It’s freeing. I’m not in a rush to hop into a relationship (again), because this last situation almost took ya girl smooth out the game.
I had to remind myself of this at the end of last week when I found myself growing increasingly irritated with Babyface over his shitty text message response time. I’ve come to realize he’s always been a shitty texter, but my annoyance with this came to a head last friday when we were literally finalizing the FINER details of our date like 2-3 hours before. In his defense, we had decided earlier that week to go on a date friday (for dinner) and we’d pick the restaurant and time later on in the week. Cool. Literally six-thirty that evening he’s asking me, “Where do you want to eat?” and being the non-confrontational person that I am, started to say, “It doesn’t matter to me, I’m good with what ever…” but i KNEW by saying that it would easily be a several hour exchange going back and forth with like an hour or so in between responses. I finally put my “big girl” pants on and made an executive decision. 8:30. Thai restaurant in ____ shopping center, see you there. Don’t forget to wear pants.
Driving there I was in kind of a shitty mood over it, but I eventually relaxed once met up and put it all behind me. It’s difficult to be mad at him because he looks so innocent. Ha. After dinner we ventured back to my place (not before swinging by the grocery store to pick up beer–which took him 30 MINUTES to decide on which beer to get before I just grabbed a six pack and told him I was going to pay for it so we could make money moves). He claims to be “indecisive”. Once back at my place he sort of made it up to me by cuddling me close while watching t.v. and uh…really taking care of me intimately in hands down probably one of the more (if not THE) top experiences I’ve had to date. He’s starting to get better at this 👍🏽. Yeah, I couldn’t walk normally for a few days…and I just *might* have pulled a muscle, but it’s all good.
Anyway, as we woke up the next morning, with him cuddling me really close, I realized I didn’t really have a place to be annoyed with him by his shitty texting. That’s apparently just who he is and I doubt calling him out on it will make him change. Plus, he’s talkative enough in person and we’re able to coexist with one another in our moments alone and have active lives outside of our interactions. Not to mention, we’re not a couple and (in my mind) this is still very casual. At the very least he responds and keeps a conversation going, just at a slower pace. Alright, whatever…just means I’m going to proceed with planning my life as I want to and he can fit in where there’s space. This current week, I made it a point to stop being as immediately responsive to his texts. I don’t need to jump to respond to everything he says right away. Gotta let his mind wonder… Ha, two can play that game and I’ve practiced responding when I *feel* like it, which has been upwards to 8 hrs, without an apology. I don’t really owe him an apology or an explanation. I don’t find that to be petty, but fair in this situation and if he has a problem with it…
Aside from that, my social calendar has been jam packed with colorful social engagements and I love it. It’s forced me out of my comfort zone (I’m an introvert) and has allowed me to see new places, try new things and continue to bond with friends (old and new). I wouldn’t have it any other way, tbh. I guess I became so cut off socially from the rest of the world in my last relationship, that I’m trying to do everything in my power to keep that from happening again, because it’s not really healthy.
Anywho, I have chicken to make and ass to shake. Looking forward to having a grand time this weekend with all of the random things going on.
Oh and just for the culture, this will never stop being funny. Happy St. Patrick’s Day: