Two Steps Back

Yesterday was a bad day emotionally. It felt like my entire being was consumed with sadness and despair to the point where I could barely focus on anything. Several co-workers commented that I looked like I didn’t, “feel well”.

Truth be told, I don’t know what caused the emotional set back, because I’ve been in semi ok spirits the past week or so. Maybe this is partially to blame on “seasonal depression”. I’ve been pretty good about taking my anxiety medicine (both day and night), but I guess it’s too much to manage even with medication some days.

I’m going to attribute this to seeing him Sunday afternoon for coffee/hot chocolate. We had been communicating back and forth towards the end of the week about getting together to exchange our keys and personal items. So obviously, not something I was super pumped to do, but I knew I needed the closure that comes along with it.

It was a bitterly cold and cloudy afternoon when we met up. My initial reaction when I saw him getting out of his car and walking into the coffee shop was extreme anger. This is an emotion I haven’t really experienced this entire time. It was new, it was raw, I felt my face get hot. I intently looked down at my phone during this time, because I did not want to make eye contact with him. He ended up having to text me to let me know he had arrived.

After he got his hot chocolate, he came over to my table and suggested we sit outside where there was more seating, so we both bundled up and headed outside. I could tell he was nervous. His voice at times shaky, almost as if he was bracing for me to yell at him and make him feel like shit (which is not my gig. That’s petty and I wouldn’t dare allow him that sort of satisfaction of knowing he “got to me” ). Definitely not the confident voice I was used to…

We spoke about work, NFL, smartphones, pets, traveling, this past halloween, the drastic change in the weather, and so on. After a few minutes we spoke like old times, joking over stupid things.

When it came time for us to part, I handed him a gift I had picked up for him while on vacation a few weeks ago. It was a bottle of his absolute favorite bourbon that’s very difficult to find here. He seemed very touched by the fact that I even remembered that and thought of him. I mostly did it because my cat (who he pet sit for me — even though we broke up the week prior) “attacked him” one day (he showed me the scar on his arm).

After the gift exchange, we exchanged keys and other items that we had at each other’s houses. I figured that was that, and he pulled me in for a hug. I wasn’t expecting a hug, so it caught me off guard. It was also weird, because I’m used to kissing him after an embrace like that. Anyway, after the hug, he told me to “keep in touch”. I have no idea if he really means that or not, but we haven’t spoken since Sunday…not that we should have???

Perhaps I let it sink in yesterday that we could potentially never see or speak to each other again and that’s a big pill to swallow, especially since things ended so abruptly. Even though he said to “keep in touch” I feel like it would be more of an effort on my end than his and even then, he’s not obligated to respond. Why should he? It’s clear that he’s done with the romantic aspect of our relationship. He may care about me in the most general sense (like wishing me well), but that’s it.

Anyway, I’m still on the road to recovery. Rome wasn’t built in a day and I truly need time to adjust my mindset, let go, get rid of baggage and so on. Everything I’ve been reading about moving on after a breakup says to cut all communication with your ex for several months before even attempting to be friends with them. I’ve had breakups before and I don’t remember them being this difficult. Some were mutual and others I may have done the breaking up or also felt things were ending if I wasn’t doing the breaking up. With the exception of one relationship that ended due to cheating, I haven’t felt this many EXTREME emotions dealing with it. I did learn through all of my reading, that the person who initiated the break up sometimes goes through just as many ups and downs. Maybe guilt…wondering if they truly made the right decision, wondering if their ex is “ok”, if they will ever enter into another relationship that *will* work out to their standards..loneliness, etc. I don’t doubt he hasn’t experienced at least some of these things.

Here is to hoping I have better days ahead.

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Swimming in Anxiety

I’ve been fairly anxious these last few days and it seems that the issue is only getting worse. I usually do an ok job managing it with coping mechanisms and medication, but I started to run low on medication and skipped days here and there, only taking the medicine a day or two here and there over the course of about two weeks. Not to mention, the past two weeks have been jam packed with chaos and at times, stress. Why didn’t I simply refill my medication? It’s expensive and I wanted to wait until I got paid again (tomorrow) to refill it and I’ve been running in so many directions lately, I just haven’t given myself time to actively refill it, pick it up, etc.

Anyway, the issue really came to head a little over 48 hours ago when I was sitting beside of my boyfriend, on his couch as we binged watch Narcos (which by the way, the main character had an anxiety attack in one of the episodes we watched — not to mention most of the things going on in the show are highly anxiety triggering anyway). We had been watching the show several hours by this point and the BF was extremely exhausted (which he had been for most of that day). We had spent the better part of the previous 48 hours together and all of our activities were starting to wear him down. After all, we spent most of that particular day doing “couple” things like visiting a pumpkin patch to get pumpkins and taking a distillery tour with whiskey samples. That’s enough to make anyone tired, but three days in a row, even if you *really* love spending time with someone can be a lot. “Overexposure”, if you will. While under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have suggested we spend that much consecutive time together (especially considering we road tripped last weekend), but I’ll be out of the country for an entire week starting Saturday, so I didn’t think much into our obsessive amount of time together this past weekend too much. Logically, I understand this (how you can simply feel exhausted just from actively entertaining/spending time with someone) and by no means SHOULD have thought twice about it. He’s always been fairly straightforward with me, so if there was an issue with me being there, he probably would have said so…plus, none of his actions changed (we still cuddled, we still spoke, laughed, ate dinner together, etc), he was just exhausted and not his usual high energy self.

My anxiety on the other hand came up with this insane notion on how he probably felt smothered, I was putting a wrench in his plans, I was overstaying my welcome, he probably wanted me to go home so he could be lazy in peace, and so on. These thoughts consumed me in through Sunday even after I left and went back to my place. The thoughts bothered me so much yesterday, that I ended up having to self medicate in order to get through the rest of my day. that I had to take a nap just to get through the rest of the day (and advil PM to fall asleep that night). I worried all day about how my actions could have possibly made him second guess whether or not our relationship was a good idea or something he even wanted to continue to pursue. I hung on to every word he said verbally and his text messages over the past two days….I dissected them…trying to read between the lines when there was really nothing there to “read”… Omg! What have I done?!

Even in briefly talking to him via text yesterday evening (as we usually do on evenings where we’re not together) and I mentioned feeling bad for basically interrupting his “relaxation time”. His response was very simple:

“It’s ok, babe. I had fun anyway.”

Anyway?

You would think his response would have been enough to put that crazy notion to bed, but then I wondered..what if he doesn’t really mean that and was just trying to be nice? What if, what if, what if, what if…

Today has been no better and I need to let him know what’s going on so he understands that part of this insanity is something I’m not able to control until my medicine fully kicks back into its normal cycle. I’ve mentioned having anxiety to him briefly via text message, but I never went into any detail, just said, “I’ll explain it in my detail later.” Well, about two months later and I never got around to it and now this and he hasn’t asked about it either, though perhaps it just hasn’t come up in conversation.

What I struggle with is just how to tell him. I want to be clear and up front about how being anxious really affects many aspects of my life (sleeping patterns, eating habits, the ability to concentrate, frequent headaches or simply “not feeling well”, inability to comprehend or fully believe him when he says I’m not bothering him…etc). I know he will listen and may not be TOO judgemental , but anxiety is such a broad and heavily layered mental illness that goes through phases and intensity levels. For me, it even goes “dormant” sometimes and then shows up again out of the blue in full force. Crazy things trigger it that sometimes medicine doesn’t even fully help.

I stumbled across this article about telling someone you’re in a relationship about the illness. The article (well letter) was well written and hits the nail on the head for how it feels to deal with anxiety.

Anyway, here’s to hoping I feel better soon.

Mental Health Day.

I woke up this morning drenched in sweat after a particularly shitty night of tossing, turning and fragmented sleep. I was burning up, then freezing cold, on and off, I couldn’t get comfortable and I couldn’t settle my mind. I felt overly emotional and and then apathetic, but nothing in particular was triggering these feelings.

Since I was sleeping over BF’s and didn’t want to wake him out of his peaceful slumber, I mostly found myself looking at the ceiling, hoping time would quickly pass. When it was finally time to get up and head back to my place to get ready for work I just couldn’t pull myself to shake the exhaustion. He practically had to drag me out of the bed, because I couldn’t ‘adult’.  It was a different kind of a tired, more of an entire mind, body and soul type of tired that only consumes me every once in a while. I knew this feeling wasn’t a bug or a virus, but my anxiety/depression peaking out from hibernation.

I made it to work, still feeling “off” and decided to leave about four hours in. There was no point in being there because I was unable to concentrate on any one task. I was exerting too much energy to do simple things like read emails. Add in the tragic Vegas Mass shooting from yesterday and I just couldn’t function today.

I got home and curled up on the couch for a few hours dosing in and out of sleep, trying to figure out where this dark cloud was coming from. I felt lazy and helpless for sitting there doing and nothing. I’ve been relatively happy for the past few months and this seems to be coming out of nowhere. I can’t seem to shake it or “sleep it off”. No amount of sleeping aids, night caps or “distractions” seem to be knocking this one out either.

I guess that’s the thing about depression. You could be in a relatively happy stage in your life in general and depression will pop out unexpectedly to intervene. I really hope I am able to get through this episode.  I really hate feeling like this when I am genuinely in a good place in my life.

Super Late Update!

I have been terrible about updating this blog. My entire purpose in starting it was to basically regurgitate the ridiculousness of my life, but somehow I got caught up in work, “adulting” and personal crises to really give it the true attention that it deserves.

I’ll just cut to the chase because I’m not in the mood to be poetic or overly descriptive with my life, but I’m happy to report that I am now happily in a relationship. Yes, I have a boyfriend. Not a “situationship”, not a “we’re casually, kind of dating”, not a “FWB”, an actual, “we claim each other in public and among friends/family,” boyfriend.

At least

If you were to tell me several months ago that I would have this amazing guy stroll into my life (and with PURPOSE), I probably would have thought that was bullshit. I mean after all, I truly believed I had found “that guy” and was somewhat devastated when things didn’t work out. Actually no, I think my pride was just bruised.

Today makes two months together (in a relationship) and while that seems like a short period of time, it’s been nothing short but an amazing two months. I couldn’t ask for a more thoughtful/caring, intelligent, trustworthy, funny, talented, attractive partner in crime. Everything I’ve ever longed for in a guy….he embodies that and THEN some, with a smile.

As cheesy as it sounds, he still gives me butterflies every time we get together and I can’t help but to smile each time I see his name roll across my phone.

One of the things I like the most about him is how open, clear and determined he is with how he feels. He doesn’t have a problem telling me everyday/night how he feels about me (verbally, via text, over the phone, etc)…and us or how beautiful he thinks I amIn fact, from the beginning, he was very serious about the concept of us being together and made it clear that he wasn’t there to waste my time and guess what? His words and actions actually matched up. Go figure?

appaulse

While I want to run around telling everyone how awesome this guy is (uh, because he IS), I’m really trying to be calm and somewhat coy.

happy gif

Everyone doesn’t need to know every single thing we do/say/experience. While we’re very publically in a relationship on facebook (and out in public in general) and our friends/family know we’re in a relationship with one another, I’ve intentionally kept most things just between us and I think he’s ok with that. This is not to say that I’m ashamed of him, because I’m very proud to call him mine… I’m just not big on flaunting relationships on social media because it can be obnoxious after a while. No one cares to see every single thing ya’ll ate or places your happy asses went for 2-7+ consecutive days! FOH.

Our time together is really special to me and I want that to just be shared between the two of us right now.

Yeah, so that’s my update. I don’t care to update about the other boring aspects of my life, because why? No point. All is well.

 

One of the Good Days

It’s been a few weeks now and I’ve recently gotten to a point where I feel completely at peace with everything.

In thinking over these past few weeks, I realize he was right and that we both confused companionship, general friendship and intense passion with chemistry. It happens, IT happened and I’m ok. We’ve communicated a few times since without any drama or resentment, which is awesome. We’re still able to have actual conversations. In general, I still like him as a person and wish him well, he deserves it, I just no longer have romantic feelings towards him. I wish more people were like him though. Very genuine guy. He restored my faith in the possibility of love (and men) and I appreciate that .

Aside from feeling a little more like myself, I’ve made it a point to occupy my free time with hobbies, outings with friends and traveling. I haven’t had too many weekends at home lately, which may or may not be a good thing 😊. Aside from the exhaustion, I’m just enjoying life.

This past weekend, I made a last minute trip to the western part of the state, this time with my family for the holiday weekend. While I was there, I met up with blast from the past. He took me out for dinner Saturday and get this, stayed off of his phone and actually engaged in conversation with me the entire time. Granted, he SHOULD have been doing this all along, but it was refreshing to connect with him as we used to. I really miss that sometimes. We really had some great times back then.

The whole situation with the ex (can I call him that since he referred to us as a couple???), made me also realize that while blast from the past and I are practically a perfect match on paper (no, this actually happened), we’re probably better off as friends and that’s ok. Maybe at times I latch on to him out of loneliness and he does the same thing. I feel like there’s mutual love there, but more along the lines of loyalty and support. In all of his stupidness, I’m confident that he’ll always have my back and I will have his.

Speaking of which, he finally gave me my birthday gift (only a month & 1/2 late). Ha, in his defense, he had to build it….

The last time I visited him, I was eyeballing Sega’s version of the NES classic. I didn’t spend a great deal of time checking it out and had no idea he really paid any attention to my drooling. Fast forward to this past weekend and he gives me what’s called a “raspberry pi”, which is basically a miniature computer (about the size of a cassette tape), that he preloaded with thousands of games from EVERY classic gaming system! Nostalgia 😍. You can plug the device into your t.v. and a game controller into the device to play. What a cool gift…that he built…spend hours on… Probably one of the most thoughtful gifts to date–which sidebar, he’s been giving me a ton of non holiday related gifts over the past year, “just because” 🤔.

Outside of all of that, I’ve just been focused on being happy and I’ve been realitively anxiety free lately (knock on wood). Dating–especially serious dating, makes me anxious. I’m not really in a rush to go out and date right now. I’m ok with being single. Besides, if I dated right now I would have zero interest in the guy really. There’s this guy that’s shown interest in dating me (and we’ve been out for drinks super casually – as in sneakers and jeans casually ), but I honestly can’t take him seriously for a plethora of reasons (too lazy to devote that level of interest to list)…all of this being stacked on top of my lack of interest in actually dating is an equation for going nowhere fast.

I have a feeling life will pan out. Life has a funny way of doing that. Just when you think something is the end of the world, something even better comes along.