My 30s are literally knocking on my door. In about two weeks I’ll officially be the big 3-0 and all I can find myself doing is having minor-ish anxiety attacks (I’m not kidding) while trying to appear “normal”.
I could write a novel on all of the things I plan to “leave behind in my 20s” and things that I plan to “do better” or with “gusto” in my 30s, but let’s be honest, the difference between me being 29 today and 30 come March is really only a few days. I’m not going to magically wake up on my 30th birthday and be this reborn new and adultlike version of myself. Am I?
I guess in my mind it’s going to be far less acceptable to entertain stupid shit that doesn’t add to my quality of life because I’ll be…”30″, so it’s only acceptable for me to hit that “reset” button as many people do on New Year’s Day.
I think a lot of the overanalyzing of basically celebrating yet another birthday is the fact that this is never where I thought I would be at 30 (or at 29 even). I thought by now I would be married, possibly with kids and a “career” that I (mostly) enjoyed. Instead, I’m single as fuck (and have sworn off dating for this month, if not indefinitely), I’m not even sure if I want kids—though I have a cat (no shade to people my age WITH kids, they’re cute) and I have a job that I tolerate (more on this in another post).
When my parents were my age, I was just being born and they had been married 5 years (they had dated 5 years prior to that and had been engaged like 2 years out of those 5) . They had both started CAREERS that they loved and from the sounds of it, really knew where they wanted to go in life. I wake up at least 3 times a week second guessing myself and wondering if I had done x, y and z how different my life would be now. Would I have had all of those things by now too? Looking at facebook and social media in general doesn’t help when peers (mostly acquaintances of mine) are popping out babies and marriages left and right. I think that’s part of the reason why I don’t log in anymore or associate myself with facebook. I mostly just keep it so people know I’m still alive and occasionally “searchable”.
I often wonder did I try enough in my teens/20s? Did I push myself hard enough? Did I keep an open enough mind for opportunities? Did I experience all of the crazy and wonderful things being young really has to offer? For the most part yes–I think I have done the bare minimum of those things, but I could have done better. I could have done more. I could have reached for the stars and instead I was ok with mediocracy. I was ok with just aimlessly floating. Now I’m tired (old), fucking cranky and all I want to do most days is go to bed (no, I’m seriously going to bed after I post this). I feel like I’ve basically been riding down the river of life in an innertube, passing by interesting looking alternate realities, mostly unbothered, until lately. It’s like I see the massive drop coming up ahead and I don’t quite know what to do. Am I really ready to face my 30s and finally give myself no other excuses to NOT have it together?
Tune in to find out.
As for the pissing and moaning in this post, my sincerest apologies, but I needed to get that off my chest. I’m sure I’ll accept the big 3-0 around my 32nd birthday.