My Feelings Need A Brain

I spend the a lot of my day concerning myself with how other people feel, how I come across to people, how maybe I could have said or done something a little differently and some days it just mentally and emotionally drains me. Truth me told, some people will be butthurt regardless of what/how you say/do something. It’s inevitable and as I’ve grown older, I’ve learned to spend a little less of my time occupying brain space with this.

But there are still times where I step outside of myself to say, “wow, I was really an asshole”.

Take the other day for instance. I was in a funny and fucked up mood. I’m not even sure if it was entirely the fling’s obnoxious fault, but mostly because I was in a funny mental and emotional space (and I was extremely sleep deprived). I’m a different person than I was a year ago and I have different priorities. Things I found semi useful to concern myself with seem like a waste of energy now.

I guess I was a tad off putting, but mostly because I didn’t want our only interactions to be the tango in the sheets and I just knew in his mind that was his primary goal for the end of the evening. Been there, done that. Is it wrong of me to assume this guy has an ounce of favorable qualities to just be a great companion? Apparently. I can’t think of much else he has to offer. I guess when he was genuinely interested he put in effort and will carry on a conversation, but I wonder if that was all was a ploy. Perhaps.

I’m really jaded towards a lot of guys for that reason.

Another reason I think I might have been coy is disconnected is because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. He runs circles around the fling and even though they’re in the same career, they are as different as night and day. He reminds me what it’s like to be treated like a lady and not a piece of meat. I never go out with him feeling like I “owe” him anything.  I’m visiting him for this upcoming long weekend and I guess my mind has mostly been there and not here, dealing with the fling.

Anyway, part of me feeling like I should apologize to the fling for maybe being a bit distant. I think he mentioned getting together this evening, but I’m sure that means dropping me a text at 10 p.m. talking about, “Hey, I’m about to go to bed, come over and cuddle.” As if I’m not important enough to make ACTUAL plans with prior to going to bed…

 

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Hell, I might not even be awake to side eye the text message because I’m just that tired. Maybe that’s for the best anyway *mutes phone*.

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Eggs in the Can

A funny thing happened to me over the weekend. I felt compelled to wake up an extra hour or so early (after about 3 hours total of sleep) to make a full fledged breakfast for him.

To be honest, I’m not super domesticated, but something inside of me really wanted to do something nice for him. After all, whenever he visits or I visit him, he practically pays for everything, drives everywhere and does oddball home, computer or othet misc technical repairs for me,

 ✌🏾️just because ✌🏾️.

I feel kind of damsel in distress around him, minus the fact that he sincerely thinks I’m intelligent and strong willed, yet very sweet and thoughtful. 

Anyway, I got to thinking, what can I do as a nice gesture? He even upped the anty by bringing me a souvenir from Disney World (he was there with family a few weeks ago, mostly for his niece) and that shit can get expensive. I felt flattered that he thought enough of me to bring me back a gift from nearly twelve hours away. While I couldn’t do something like Disney, I could cook. All men like eating, especially him. He’s a bonifide “breakfast” person, so A-ha.

I got up at 5 a.m. Friday morning after he kept me out til 1:30 a.m. (he got in late to my late and took me out for drinks for a bitch to catch up) or so to make pancakes, eggs and bacon as he slept peacefully, completely unaware of what I was doing. I even made him iced coffee, which he swears by. 20 or so minutes of mixing and flipping and breakfast was finished. I carefully brought the food to him just as he was waking up and he was super appreciative, but I was running late for work by this point so I didn’t stick around.

Fast forward  to yesterday when I’m contemplating taking out the trash to notice some eggs dangling over the corner of the trash can and since I haven’t had eggs recently, I knew they were from him.

So ok, part of me feels slightly offended, like I made this shit for you, dude, how dare you dispose of it, but the other part of me tried the eggs and unfortunately, they were not my greatest scrambled eggs to date, so I understand. Regardless of the reasoning behind the eggs in the can, he repeatedly thanked me for the kind gesture of making him breakfast throughout the weekend.

Aww.

The eggs in that trashcan got me to thinking how I would respond if our roles were switched or if there had ever been a time he ever cooked me anything (NEVER), or given me something I wasn’t exactly a fond of. There was a time many moons ago when we were actually dating and he brought me stuff from comic con, that was kind of meh, but I still have the comic book and wear the t-shirt inside my house occasionally. I was very nice of him to even think enough of me to bring me anything at all. Cooking wise though he doesn’t cook, but there has been a time or two where he treated me to dinner someplace that was horrible, lol. I choose not to say anything and thanked him for it anyway. 

All in all, I’m not really offended, I at least appreciate that he appreciated my effort. And hey, he ate the pancakes and bacon. That’s all I really ask. 

Isolating Myself

It’s been a pretty hectic couple of weeks at work and per my usual stress mode, I’ve started neglecting other aspects of my adult life, like being social.

armadillo

It has dawned on me a lot this year just how introverted I truly am. While I enjoy people and social outings, 90% of the time when I am stressed, tired or focused on a tasks, I prefer to avoid them (social outings). It’s important for me to pull away from everyone and everything to recharge. A lot people truly don’t understand that or understand how difficult it HAS been for me to attend baby showers, weddings, surprise parties, cook-outs, birthday parties, retirement parties, going away parties, reunions, happy hours, family gatherings, etc. over the past few months when all I really feel like doing is crawling up in a ball and sleeping for hours.

I’m tired constantly and rarely have a lot of energy these days outside of going to work, which is bad, because at 30, I should still have a decent amount of energy left. I think part of it is depression/anxiety, which can deplete your energy levels at times, but I really need to see a doctor to rule out any additional health issues too. I keep putting my health, MENTAL and EMOTIONAL health in particular, on the back burner over work obligations. The kicker is, I’m a healthcare professional and work in a hospital that promotes well being for patients AND staff and yet I haven’t been feeling like myself in weeks and I’ve been ignoring it.

On top of pulling some longer hours at work this month, I’ve also been dealing with trying to get a place closer to work and possibly getting another car. Both of which I can’t truly afford to do right now because every time I turn around I’m dropping $500, $600, $1,000 to fix my damn truck, which is money I could be SAVING to put towards moving or money I could put down on a new car. I’m also still making payments on it! I just got it back Friday after it being in the shop for about a week over transmission issues! It’s frustrating, but maybe it’s just not the right time for me to do either one of those things right now. I have about an hour drive to and from work in traffic, so to give my truck a bit of a rest, I’ve been trying to take public transportation a few days a week. This save me gas money and allows me to (sort of) decompress to and from work.

In other news, he’s coming to visit at the end of this upcoming week. He’s coming for “work” or so he says. When I was visiting him last month (which I intentionally didn’t write about 🙂 ), I told him how much he matters to me and how I try to make the most out of our visits because we don’t see each other that often. I think I broke something in him, because ever since I’ve said that, he’s been saying all of these crazy sentimental things like how he really trusts me, how we’re so close and how he’s going to give me a key to his condo. He also told me that he was going to make more of an effort for us to see each other, like maybe we could get together monthly and trade off on who visits who. He’s really one out of a handful of people that I even have the energy to deal with right now. Sometimes just hearing his voice is comforting. The cadence of his voice is very calm. I can unapologetically be myself (even if I AM depressed or anxious), and he’s ok with that because he understands and deals with it himself and doesn’t judge me or ask me to “get over it”. My best friends are really supportive like that as well. Anyway, I’ve really got to stop isolating myself in general.

Perhaps July will be a better month and I’ll have more time to take care of my needs.

fake happy