My Feelings Need A Brain

I spend the a lot of my day concerning myself with how other people feel, how I come across to people, how maybe I could have said or done something a little differently and some days it just mentally and emotionally drains me. Truth me told, some people will be butthurt regardless of what/how you say/do something. It’s inevitable and as I’ve grown older, I’ve learned to spend a little less of my time occupying brain space with this.

But there are still times where I step outside of myself to say, “wow, I was really an asshole”.

Take the other day for instance. I was in a funny and fucked up mood. I’m not even sure if it was entirely the fling’s obnoxious fault, but mostly because I was in a funny mental and emotional space (and I was extremely sleep deprived). I’m a different person than I was a year ago and I have different priorities. Things I found semi useful to concern myself with seem like a waste of energy now.

I guess I was a tad off putting, but mostly because I didn’t want our only interactions to be the tango in the sheets and I just knew in his mind that was his primary goal for the end of the evening. Been there, done that. Is it wrong of me to assume this guy has an ounce of favorable qualities to just be a great companion? Apparently. I can’t think of much else he has to offer. I guess when he was genuinely interested he put in effort and will carry on a conversation, but I wonder if that was all was a ploy. Perhaps.

I’m really jaded towards a lot of guys for that reason.

Another reason I think I might have been coy is disconnected is because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. He runs circles around the fling and even though they’re in the same career, they are as different as night and day. He reminds me what it’s like to be treated like a lady and not a piece of meat. I never go out with him feeling like I “owe” him anything.  I’m visiting him for this upcoming long weekend and I guess my mind has mostly been there and not here, dealing with the fling.

Anyway, part of me feeling like I should apologize to the fling for maybe being a bit distant. I think he mentioned getting together this evening, but I’m sure that means dropping me a text at 10 p.m. talking about, “Hey, I’m about to go to bed, come over and cuddle.” As if I’m not important enough to make ACTUAL plans with prior to going to bed…


side eye and walk away.jpg

Hell, I might not even be awake to side eye the text message because I’m just that tired. Maybe that’s for the best anyway *mutes phone*.


One comment

  1. brashawnd · June 29, 2016

    That’s fair. It’s hard to prioritize ourselves and feelings without feeling like an a**hole. But it sounds like you have more on the mind and heart than what fling provided.

    I wonder if it might not be worth it to explore “him” more deeply, despite any flaws.


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