Traffic, Commitments & Following My Own Advice

I spent the weekend over his place. We hadn’t seen each other since the 4th of July, but we’ve managed to stay in touch via text and phone calls, which is cool.

I had been looking forward to our “reunion” for a few weeks, especially since we had a false start or two with him promising that he would be here for work only to have those plans fall through and him never bothering to inform me until I asked. Read More

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I’ve always considered myself a decent friend to others. I really make a genuine effort to listen, empathize, encourage, console, laugh, love and BE THERE for friends. I do all of this regardless of the amount of times I have to hear an excuse for being cancelled on for the umpteenth time over whatever bullshit and numerous unreturned calls/texts. I shrug it off. I act like everything’s all gravy, but in reality sometimes it isn’t.

“It’s ok, no big deal,” I say with a smile on my face. I’m usually showered in, “you’re so understanding, you’re such a great friend, I’m so lucky to have you in my life blah, blah, blah” and yet I’m left sitting there feeling like I don’t matter. Like I DON’T FUCKING MATTER. I feel like the only time I matter to certain people is when it benefits them and I’ll leave it at that.

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All of this and I’m usually the initiator. While I don’t mind initiating conversations, outings, whatever, it would be nice for that same level of effort to be returned to me  on a consistent basis at some point. It seems like this is almost impossible to find in people now a days. It’s exhausting and leaves me mostly wanting not to make an effort with anyone. Why bother if I’m going to end up putting the majority of the work into it?

There are a few special people in my life that do (when they can) return the effort, which I really appreciate, but unfortunately, most of these golden gooses aren’t local and our reunions are few and kind of far between.

I’m not even angry, I’m just tired. I’m extremely tired.

People that are special to you should never be made to feel like they aren’t priorities to you, but maybe you’re too busy to see that.

 

Maybe it’s the Hummus talking…

I’m about to spill some much needed T down this page…even if it’s just for my own reality check.

Sidebar: I’m eating hummus in an attempt not to eat junk food.

So ok, I was reading a Twitter thread this morning about the slow death of a situationship/relationship.


The man speaks mad truth & his entire thread was relatable, but it got me to thinking how I have a bad habit of focusing too much on someone’s potential  and not the “here and now” version of them acting a fucking mess right in front of me. This also got me to thinking how I often don’t hold people accountable to even CHOOSE to feel and exhibit/communicate said feelings like an emotionally mature adult. I’ve always tried to see everyone’s good intentions and “hope” that they will eventually act like they have some fucking sense, but in the meantime, I’ll just patiently wait until they do and that can be emotionally frustrating to me.

Fuck. All of that.

That idea of thinking has (at times) landed me in situations where I’ve gotten burned. I was actually in a situation four years ago exactly like the Twitter thread above. I went along with a situation that seemed to be going somewhere and to have it kind of crumble just as quickly as it blossomed.

A little wiser now, I’ve learned a lot from that situation and grown from it. I have a better idea of what I want and more importantly what I need.

It would be easy for me to fall back into old habits with this guy (dating, but sometimes in a relationship, but then situationshipping it), but I deserve better than that & I would hope he realizes he does too. I’ve kept a considerable amount of  distance (technology wise- since we already live in different towns) from him lately, mostly just to back off and do my own thing. No, I’m not angry or upset at him, I just want to kick back in my own thoughts for a spell. We’ve spoken on the phone or through text (mutual initiation) weekly in the past month and I’m A-ok with it.

The hardest part for me is dismissing his horrible habit of selling dreams. He’s such a sweet guy, but he often gets carried away in saying all of this highly sentimental bullshit, which I believe is true, but 50% of the time doesn’t always have the “balls” to back it up/doesn’t know how to show it.

I’m an “actions” person. There is only so much you’re going to be able to say to me before I ask you to “prove it”.

Additional Edit: All the bitter rambling aside, he’s really impressed me with how much he’s grown over the years. He’s almost becoming that guy (emotionally) that I WISH he had been when I dated him. I often wonder what things would be like if things between us actually progressed again.

Man, Be Consistent 

Maybe it’s the many days of fucked up sleep that I’ve had, but I’m starting to realize that I want something real, mutual and consistent. I’m not asking for the moon & stars, just a little time & consistent effort. Nothing aggravates me more than exaggerated effort to make up for periods where effort has been missing. 

I’m having to accept that this guy can be just as sweet and attentive as he is distant & ghost. He almost always is confident in the fact that I’ll be ok, that I’ll understand, that we can just pick up where we last left off after he apologizes a dozen times and spoils me for letting everything else get in the way. 

And I’ll usually let it slide, because I’m nice and I genuinely enjoy our time together, but at thirty, my patience is dwindling.

Restless Sleep

I’ve always enjoyed sleeping. It’s the one activity I can do where I can fully relax and put everything going on in my life aside while I embrace recharging. I have found that my beloved pastime has become a bit of a battle these days.

I’ve been experiencing really rough sleep for past few months. This has gotten progressively worse over the past six to eight weeks. I’m not particularly stressed out, but my body just won’t fully relax. It’s like my body just goes into a state in between being fully awake and asleep.

It seems that out of an entire week I might have one good night of “natural” semi-satisfying sleep, but that’s it. I’ve had to resort to taking melatonin and on really rough days things like Zzzquil just to fall and stay asleep. I hate taking drugs to do something as natural as falling asleep.

Last night, I took half a dose of zzzquil shortly after dinner to wind down after a really busy day at work. Within an hour I was sleepy and crawled into bed to start my sleep. In the 9-10 hours I was in bed, I must have woken up at least five times, like actively WOKE all the way up, looked at my phone, thought about an email I needed to send to my boss or wondered to the bathroom or somewhere else in my house. It was bizarre, because I still felt extremely tired, but my body abruptly felt like it was time to get up over and over. It’s like my wake/sleep signals are misfiring. Taking things like melatonin and zzzquil (even in half doses) used to knock me out cold for at least eight hours of uninterrupted sleep, but not so much anymore. I’ve also started noticing that I have some extremely bizarre dreams whenever I take them.

On top of my nighttime sleeping patterns being all over the place, I find myself in a haze or not feeling fully rested throughout the day. This is starting to make it difficult to have the motivation to do anything other than going to and from work and I often find myself in kind of a shitty mood when I get like this.  I literally don’t have the energy most days to even make dinner. Some days are worse than others, but today I feel extremely rundown. Even coffee and energy drinks really don’t help on these days.

I don’t know what’s going on with me. Maybe this is my anxiety peaking it’s ugly face out from hibernation or maybe it’s something else. I’ve made an appointment to see a doctor about this, so hopefully I can find some relief soon.