I spent the weekend over his place. We hadn’t seen each other since the 4th of July, but we’ve managed to stay in touch via text and phone calls, which is cool.
I had been looking forward to our “reunion” for a few weeks, especially since we had a false start or two with him promising that he would be here for work only to have those plans fall through and him never bothering to inform me until I asked.
I’ll admit, I’ve been a little more on the frustrated side with him lately. Our interactions have become somewhat shapeless and kind of “routine” and I’m not sure why. I don’t believe he’s really changed too much (lately), but I think I’ve become a little more anxious in how I see us and it’s frustrating that in my mind because it seems so simple for us to connect the dots, but in reality it’s not that cut and dry.
Take for instance distance. Sure, we live in the same state, a measly 2.5-hour drive. No sweat, right? Yet, I’m always the one initiating the visit. Occasionally he’ll “strongly suggest” that I come up on x or y weekend, but mostly it’s just me saying, “hey, I wanted to see you!” and he’s all, “cool, I’m free”. This doesn’t always transfer well in reverse. I’m constantly inviting him here or suggesting he visit outside of work obligations and he usually optimistically leave it at, “We’ll plan something for sure” and it usually doesn’t get brought up again until he’s coming here for work yet again. Yes, he’s been here almost every single month this year, but for work. His job is funding his time here. We’ve had this discussion back and forth a few times and while I’m always happy to see him, squeezing me in while he’s already here for work related reasons is not the same as him coming because he genuinely wants to visit or see me.Not to mention, work dictates when he comes and goes and that’s not always super convenient to my schedule, but I have to MAKE it work, because he’ll be here regardless. Ultimately, since his job is funding the trip, they expect him to actually work, so he spends a good 80% of his time in town working and no sane person could be upset about that. I get it. He should be working. They are not paying him to goof. Business trips are about business, not leisure. He’s been here a whopping ONE time to specifically visit me this year and I think that came about because of me drunkenly guilt tripping him to do so during a conversation we had on NYE. All of the other times he was already coming for work and that pretty much dictated his comings and goings. To be fair, he ALWAYS makes time for us to have dinner together every night he’s in town and makes it a point to make sure we go out at least one of those nights to spend additional time together (like to a movie or whatever). Whenever he’s here, it just seems like our interactions are extremely brief and we’re usually both too tired to be out too long after work.
Anyway, I found myself being a little snippy this weekend. I think lack of sleep, having to drive in extremely high levels of traffic to get to him and having him cancel our reservations for dinner (that I rushed to get to in town on Friday night), just struck a nerve with me. I ended up snipping at him pretty bad Friday evening (I profusely apologized SEVERAL times after all weekend). I’ve never really been like that with him in the past four years. I always push things under the rug, but I felt like he needed to see my unedited anger in real time. I think most of it was me being “hangry”. I guess I just also wanted him to try a little harder or at least appreciate the fact that after working ALL week, I WILLINGLY drove through 4.5 hours of HEAVY traffic just to visit him and made reservations for dinner that HE SAT ON and never got around to doing. And I know he does, he just doesn’t always really verbalize it (or show it in a way that Is obvious). Sometimes he’s quirky and I’m not always in the mood to decode his bullshit.
Sometimes I just want him to miss me in the way that I miss him and actually come out and say it. I want him to admit to thinking about me and wanting the best for me everyday, even if we don’t talk everyday.I want him to show me that he cares in the way that I show him how I care, but that’s selfish.
Truth of the matter is, we’re both of a certain age, we mostly get along well, we’re comfortable with one another, we both mutually care about one another, yet none of this is really progressing towards anything other than me being more and more frustrated with the situation. It’s like he’s all for going through the motions, but not actually living them for real. I’m tired of people asking or assuming we’re an item, for us both to awkwardly blush, laugh, look at each other and say, “…no…”.
I’d do just about anything in the world for him, but I’m starting to think it’s not healthy for me to continue to “hold out” on “what could be”. I’m getting to the point where I either want this to turn into something real where we’re both actually held accountable for our actions (or lack thereof) or I want us to set clear boundaries and never revisit the notion of us being a genuine “item” again.
I had a conversation with a friend of mine about a similar topic last week. She’s in a “situation” where she’s seeing a guy that is technically still married, but keeps telling her he’s leaving his wife. This has apparently been going on for months and she asked me should she give him an ultimatum or a “deadline” to fully commit to her or call the whole thing off.
I remember telling her she deserves to have all of someone and not just a fraction of what they’re willing to give her when it’s convenient to them. It’s not fair for her to have to snoop around or “respect” his marriage just because he doesn’t seem to fully understand what he wants well enough to make it a point to go after it? And why would he? He knows how she feels and is probably confident that she won’t go anywhere. The only way that he might possibly follow through on his promise of leaving his wife and “committing” to her is if she threatens to not put up with the foolishness anymore.
I really should take my own advice in my own life. Back when I didn’t make it super obvious that I was, “in like with him”, loyal or that I even saw any sort of future with this guy, he bent over backwards to see to it that we were together and made it fairly clear that he was happy we were together. He would always say these really sentimental things and I’d get lost in his big, brown, puppy dog eyes, still in awe that someone could feel those things about me. I could tell that everything he said was genuine and really came from the heart. Back then he was really flexible and wasn’t fussy over what we did or where we went, so as long as we were together. He always seemed to just look forward to spending time with me. I look at him now and he just seems disorientated, apathetic and at times disconnected. It’s like he cares (and will go above and beyond occasionally), but doesn’t seem super concerned with something being “defined” otherwise. He also lacks consistency. In my situation, I don’t even feel like it’s because of another girl, but just that he doesn’t really have to put in a great deal of effort because he knows that I’m going to give him 110% regardless.
Like clockwork, if I fall back, even a little bit, he notices and usually steps it up. I just hate doing it, because it’s stupid and difficult to maintain long term. Plus, if I am able to maintain that behavior long term, I am also usually able to date someone else, which I’ve done.
I’ve got a lot to think about between now and the four or so weeks we have before we see each other again, that’s for sure.