Initiation.

I feel like I always initiate communication with a lot of the people in my life and it’s exhausting. There are a group of people that will (occasionally) return the favor and I really appreciate them for that.

Just like everyone else, I go through things, I have reasons to celebrate, etc and it’s nice knowing your friend or family member cares and wants to check in with you from time to time.

As a friend, daughter, granddaughter, cousin, etc, I feel like I go out of my way to check in and stay in touch and those same people are not sharing that responsibility.

I understand and respect that everyone is busy (including me most days), but no one should be made to feel like they are in a one sided relationship (romantic or otherwise).

Thirty has opened my eyes to many life lessons in these 7 months and I’m starting to see that I’m expending a great deal of energy on these particular situations.

Maybe I’m over-analyzing this situation or maybe I just need to learn not to care. Either way, change is going to come.

Perceptions

Fairly recently, I’ve come to the conclusion that someone I hold in high regards may not really be the person I think they are and this is primarily my fault. Sure, we all show snippets of who we THINK people REALLY want us to be initially, but that almost always fades, as people can’t continue to keep up that persona.

good-vs-bad

For the better part of four years, I let my imagination and my longing for an organic connection with this person lead me to view them with tinted rose colored glasses. Mostly it’s been fun, but recently it’s just become a frustrating experience.

In my mind, this person has all of the potential in the world, but on the surface, they are who they are and it’s not fair for me to view them as something they’re not. It’s not fair for me to expect them to respond or react to me in a certain way or even fully understand me to the very core of my soul. I’m very caring. I’m strong-willed and stubborn, but awfully fragile. I’m thoughtful, but at times selfish and self-concerned.  I’m an extremely complex person with many layers and I don’t believe I have shown this person ALL of me just yet, though I’m getting there. I’m just afraid of rejection.

This way of thinking has resulted in a great deal of disappointment, hurt feelings, miscommunication, assumptions and aggravation (and probably confusion on their end because they probably have no idea all of this is running through my mind). It’s extremely frustrating and very exhausting. I find myself being moodier and more standoffish these days. I don’t have a lot of patience for shapeless exchanges. This has left a lot of our more recent interactions unfulfilling (to me).

Why can’t this person just think/feel/say [BLANK]???

Because they are not a marionette doll and they are who they are and like everyone else (including me), they are greatly flawed.

pinocchio

They sincerely care. This I do know and in their own unique way they show that, I just have to accept it and understand it. Just because they don’t react or show their appreciation in the same way that I do, doesn’t mean that their heart is not there.

I can’t continue to blame them for their flaws or weaknesses, because that’s simply not fair, even though on the bare minimum side of respect, they should be held accountable in some aspect.

Anyway, it’s not fair for me to hold them to such unrealistic standards, considering my perception of them may not even be who they really are.

I need to figure out why I’m like this and why I sometimes draw up these super unrealistic perceptions of people’s characters (particularly ones that I care about).