I had dinner last night with two of my old co-workers, who have recently become good friends. Periodically, we like to get together and catch up. We have this sort of bond from surviving the hell hole that was our last job.
Anyway, we’re all ladies of a certain age with somewhat complicated love lives, so that of course came up. I rarely discuss my love life (or lack thereof), but as I listened to theirs, I felt more compelled to open up.
One co-worker told us about how she got pregnant in college with a guy she was only in love with the idea of being with. She told us for the longest time she could see all of his flaws, but just wanted to be with him for the idea of being a family and comfort.
Parts of her story resonated with me, because for the longest time I’ve been semi emotionally attached to a guy that I’ve been in love with the idea of being with romantically. Sure, we did actually date for just under a year (some years ago), he bruised my heart, we reconnected and now have established a situationship of sorts. I like him, but at times I take a step back to think, “do I really like him or is he just a place of comfort for me?” Sure, he’s a flawed individual just like me, but he’s got a heart of gold and I feel really safe with him. He’s respectful and really values morals. While he may be lacking that emotional availability that I’m longing for, I feel secure in the fact that he would never let anything happen to me because my life is precious to him. Does this make us right for one another though? Suppose he has needs (like mine) that I’m seriously lacking in?
Continuing on with the emotional babble,my other co-worker told us how she is “in love” with one of her current co-workers that’s married and supposedly leaving his wife to eventually be with her. This has been going on for a little over a year. While my co-worker has been patiently waiting on him, she’s growing impatient and has suggested he make a decision (her or the wife) in the next few months. She claims to be able to cut him off if he refuses to make a decision soon and has casually been seeing other guys as to trick/distract her mind into thinking she can emotionally separate herself from him. She finds herself comparing every guy she sees to her co-worker and from the start, none of them measure up. She claims you just can’t help who you love and the heart wants what it wants.
Her situation was also relatable to me. While I’m not in love with a married man, I am in like with someone who at times seems conflicted on what he wants. Like her, I’ve been fairly patient, but we’re not getting any younger and it’s starting to frustrate me. It’s like he’s swimming in the comfort of the gray area because he gets the best of both worlds: gets to experience the admiration of someone who thinks the world of him and is fiercely loyal to him (even when he’s being stupid), but doesn’t have to have the accountability of being in a relationship or even emotional availability. I hung on to the hope of all of this panning out last year, but like my co-worker, I’ve taken a step back and very casually (and I do mean casually without a single ounce of emotion) dating. I actually hate dating and the majority of the time I feel like I’m wasting my energy, because it’s rare that a guy even comes close to measuring up to him. So far nothing has come out of it. I’m mostly doing it to keep my mind distracted. I’ve also made it a point to revisit my social life and have made it my goal to go out at least 2-3 times a week, even if it’s just for dinner.
My co-workers gave me a lot to think about last night. We all agreed that guys sometimes take advantage of our loyalty and assume that we’ll be there for them indefinitely, even when they’re not always being there for us in return. We all agreed that we deserve true reciprocation and reassurance. Life is precious, and while giving a guy space to figure out what he wants, it doesn’t mean that we have to sit around not living our lives and fulfilling our needs forever. Perhaps seeing the threat of his “comfort” drifting away will place things into prospective for him.
Well, that’s about all I feel thinking about for now. I’ll revisit what I want and how I truly feel in the coming weeks when he and I spend the weekend together.