Kiss Me Not

Lately, I’ve been sticking to this new notion of staying true to one of my resolutions of getting out there and staying social. I guess you could toss casual dating in there too, because why not?

I’ve been casually (so very casually) seeing this guy for a handful of weeks now. Originally, I didn’t see him as being my “type”, but he’s slowly starting to maintain my attention.

For starters, we’re about the same height, which I guess isn’t that big of a deal, minus the fact that I occasionally like to wear boots and heels. This is such a superficial thing to be concerned about and I really wish I was a better person than this, but I’m really insecure. I’m already on the taller end for a female (I’m 5’7). I’m used to seeing guys that are at least 3-4 inches taller than me and of course I’ve dated guys almost an entire foot taller than me (which was a bit weird for other reasons). Wearing heels was not an issue with them. With this guy, I’ve made it a huge point to stick to wearing flats, which will be ok because they’re more comfortable, I guess.

Outside of this superficial bullshit I’m attempting to move past, he’s a decent guy. We have a lot in common, he’s very intelligent, independent, a conversationalist, great listener, has his SHIT together, is a sweetheart, is family oriented and is just plan adorable, like a puppy.

He doesn’t stress me out (by being thirsty) and in between times that we see each other, I feel like we communicate an appropriate amount of time. He doesn’t attempt to text message me from sun up to sun down and doesn’t completely go ghost using the excuse that he “doesn’t check his phone”. We may communicate via text message 2, sometimes 3 times a week and usually in the evenings and the conversations are equally initiated.

But I can’t pull myself to think of him more than just someone to have fun with for right now. Maybe not even intimately either. I’m not sure if I want any strings attached to this right now. Maybe like a friend plus? I like him  a little more than a friend, but I haven’t settled on how much yet and maybe that’s ok?

 I guess part of that is the fact that I genuinely care about him (the situationship guy from my past that I link up with from time to time). Sure, he’s emotionally fucked up, but his heart is in the right place and he shows he cares by doing things for me, protecting me and pampering me. We have some history there and I can’t help but to kind of hang on to that. He’s my comfort. It’s weird and I wish I could shut it off some days. He’s just a shitty communicator and sometimes staying in touch with him is more effort than it’s worth.Sure, he reaches out to me too, but it’s exhausting trying to reach out to him. Sometimes he’ll answer and other times he may return your call/text in 3-4 days. Granted, he’s really never been that great at communicating, but I’m older now and this is really aggravating me.

Last Saturday, I was out having dinner with this guy (the casual guy). We talked and laughed for hours.He’s very easy to talk to and we have a similar sense of humor. I had a genuinely good time. We parked in different locations, so he walked me to my car. As we got to the point of the evening to say goodbye, he leans in to kiss me. My reflex was to lean away and hug him instead. Sure, we vibe well…but if I kiss him, that’s going to open flood gates for all of these assumptions and feelings that I personally don’t want to be accountable for right now. At the same time, I like his company, so it’s confusing. We have another date planned for this Saturday, so I may simply ask him what he’s hoping to get out of this (if anything at all) or perhaps I won’t say anything at all and let it ride out. I think this is still in the sweet spot of not needing any definition.

In other news, situationship guy called Sunday night and invited me to spend the weekend at his place–Valentine day weekend at that 👀. I’m not too sure what that means or if it means anything at all. He told me once that he hated V-day, and even though we were only together during 1 V-day, he made it a point to get me a gift and a card. Sure, we had vaguely spoken about me picking up his recliner at some point, but he explicitly said to come that particular weekend, even when I mentioned other weekends over the next two months. Weird.

Oh well, I guess I’ll see what’s up with him and casual guy shortly.

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