All I Want to Do is Eat

I have no idea what’s wrong with me, but lately (within the past 1-2 weeks), all I’ve wanted to do was eattttttttttt. Granted, I “eat”, but I’ve wanted to eat legit super shitty food…like this cookie bar I’m currently smashing after eating a BLT sandwich leftover from a meeting at work yesterday.


The only thing I can attribute to this sudden urge to binge on things I KNOW are bad for me, is because of all of the birthday hoopla that’s been going on over the past week or two. Tons of eating out, tons of drinking and of course tons of cake! I allowed myself to sort of splurge here and there because, “hey, it’s my birthday”, but now I’m trying to reel it back in.

I’ve recently lost 40 lbs, and when I say recently, I should rephrase that to say, “i’ve gradually lost 40 lbs over the course of a few months”. Per moral support of a co-worker, I joined weight watchers and I’ve been managing my food intake and weight ever since. No, I’m not endorsing WW in this post. It needed to happen (and I still want to lose at least another 20 lbs), but this whole process has made me weird out just a tad.

For starters….

I’ve become semi obsessive with everything that I eat now. I usually like to save the majority of my points for dinner when I’m at my hungriest (because I’m greedy), so I can eat a hardy meal. For dinner I usually eat lean protein with vegetables and something starchy/ fatty (small) just for the hell of it. During the day at work I mostly eat produce and small amounts of lean protein. I no longer eat candy, salty snacks or soda. I try to drink a lot of hot tea to curb cravings. I am very strict for breakfast and lunch or weekdays.  Of course, there are times when unexpected things come up like a lunch meeting with food or well birthday cake (like the other day when my co-workers surprised me with a cake), which usually throws me into a tailspin. During the weekends I ease up a tad. I usually skip breakfast both days or eat a small piece of fruit on my way out of the door. If I eat lunch at all (especially out), I’ll tend to eat something semi healthy and only eat half. Since I have seen an increase in my social life lately, I usually save the majority of my points for dinner outings and tend to sort of (within reason) eat what I want…minus dates, I eat peckishly on dates, if at all. I find myself not really eating in front of him (but the reasonings behind that are more complex than just this “lifestyle change” and could be an entirely separate post).

I get moody or cranky when I go extremely long periods of time without eating or when I’m not eating something at the normal times of day that I would normally eat.

I also haven’t noticed any signficant weight loss (on myself) until maybe last week when I tried on a dress that is visibly baggy on me now, but did not fit a few months ago. Sure, my other clothes have either gotten really baggy or at least now fit properly (or I’ve even had to go down about 2-3 sizes), and I’ve gotten a lot of, “WOW, you’ve lost weight, you are slimming down,” comments, but until the moment with the dress, none of that phased me. This was a really key moment.

Unlike the plan suggests, I do not weigh myself weekly because I think that’s stupid. Weight fluctuates, I menstruate, I have “off weeks”, bloat, sickness, etc. I usually weigh myself every 2-3 weeks just to get an idea of how I’m doing, which has worked well for me. If I’m up 2-4 pounds, I try to eat really healthy the following week. If I am down 1-3+ pounds, I’m usually pleased and continue to do what I’ve been doing. To me, it’s not realistic to lose weight every single week. Sometimes you lose inches without losing weight, so weighing myself every week would be discouraging, if anything.  It’s all kind of balanced itself out and even my doctor seems pleased with my results.

  • I meal prep
  • I try not to buy snacks or sweets (and if I do, I will buy the controlled serving packages)
  • i intentionally take a route home that doesn’t pass by fast food places
  • I try to get at least 8 hours of sleep a night
  • If I have a day (or days) where I am indulging, I try to lighten up the following day (or days)
  • I try to incorporate ways to get my steps in (parking further away, taking a longer route, etc)
  • I try to keep my anxiety under control (with medication, coping mechanisms) as much as I can to not trigger a ton of binge eating/drinking
  • I try to stay busy

In an extremely long and round about way, I said all of that to say this:

I’m starting to wonder if I’m depriving myself. Like, have I been too restrictive to the point that when I do “eat what I want” for longer than a day, does it trigger unnecessary cravings? Or am I temporarily experiencing some deeply rooted form of stress/anxiety?

Maybe I’m being dramatic and should allow myself to breathe because I’m doing well with my weight loss?

Thinking about all of this is mentally exhausting on a day-to-day basis.

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