My anxiety has been a little elevated lately. Even though I take medicine to “control it”, I periodically have episodes triggered by events or situations where I feel out of control or overwhelmed. Even if it’s triggered by one situation (or event), it spills out into other areas of my life.
Thursday, one of my best friends was in town for the night and came over to my place for a bit. Ideally, I should have been supportive and joined him out for his performance, but my anxiety and exhaustion caused me to feel paralyzed, to where I couldn’t. I feel like a terrible friend for this. Even though we hungout before his performance, I should have been there and the guilt of Thursday is getting to me.
I’ve been kind of self-doubting and second guessing things with the new guy, which is weird, because nothing has changed. He seems a little more at ease, like maybe he’s more sure of how I feel, so he doesn’t have to bend over backwards to get my attention . He’s been fairly consistent in his actions since we’ve been dating, but I’m starting to over analyze everything (in my head) and think, “he’s going to get to the point where he’s not going to want to date me anymore…”, which is interupting the joy of spending time together because that’s in the back of my head. I often wonder if he’s still interested, which is stupid, because we’ve literally gone out every week since we started dating and talked between dates for hours at a time (I’ll post separately about last night’s date). I go as far as to NOT text him often. Usually, I’ll initiate a conversation about once a week and he’ll do the same. Logically, if he WASN’T that interested, he probably wouldn’t be willing to do any of that. If I wasn’t interested in dating someone, I wouldn’t agree or suggest that we keep getting together and I probably wouldn’t waste hours during the week texting with them. At least, I hope not, because what would he have to gain?
On the same topic of new guy, I found myself accidentally admitting to “dating” him while out with some friends Friday night at a bar. New guy and I were having a text message conversation, trying to finalize things for Saturday (which we still didn’t do that night anyway) and one of my more nosy friends asked who I was texting. Blushing, I stated, “nobody important”. My friend laughed and said that my face said otherwise and then I just blurted it out, “I’m just talking to this guy I’ve been dating for a few weeks…”
I can’t belive I told them that so casually. I’m a very private person and most of these friends I’ve just recently became close enough to them (not too long before dating new guy) to spend time with them on a regular basis. I’m a private person and I don’t really like talking about my love life, especially so early in. It’s still new. We’re still feeling each other out. I also don’t like talking about it because if it doesn’t last, I’ve got to answer additional questions about it… I told new guy about this conversation (not the ‘if it doesn’t work out’ part) and how I usually only shared personal things about myself to people I’m close to and when I felt like it was appropriate. New guy assured me it was ok, but that he understood and that if I needed to stop texting him and continue my night out with them, that it wouldn’t hurt his feelings. We ended up talking for an additional 2 hours until I went to bed.
Another thing that’s been elevating my anxiety is apartment/house/townhouse shopping. Ultimately, I’d like to BUY something, but my credit (though it’s improving) is not where I’d like it to be right now. I’ve settled on just renting for another year at a place closer to work, but everything is so fucking expensive. I mean really. I’m looking at paying at least $250 more per month just by moving about half an hour closer to work.
Throw in the fact that I’m super indecisive anyway and this process has literally upset my stomach and on numerous occasions (I actually had to stop at the store on the way home friday night to buy antacids and pepto). I like where I live now. I like my townhouse. I like the price I’m paying for it. I like my neighborhood. I like living in this city (even though my job is in a separate city), I just don’t like the commute. I wish I could pick up my current place and plop it closer to work and be done with this search.
I halfway settled on one place and simply STARTED an online application with the thought that I would finish it when I felt like i truly made the decision to want to live there, but I got an email today saying that had already “processed”the application and had “questions” about it, like if I had pay stubs to submit. This really stunned me, because I never submitted anything formally and I never even finished the application itself. I never got to the acknowledgement page that you’re SUPPOSED to sign stating that you understand all of their rules/policies and that you’re OK with them running your credit and background check. This is a pretty standard declaration that appears in all contracts, especially rental ones. I’m curious to figure out what gave them the indication that I was finished with the application, when bits and pieces of it were obviously missing and why they processed it without asking me about it beforehand. The whole thing doesn’t sit well with me to be honest.
I also know work is about to swing into high gear this week until about mid-July (with each week increasing in craziness). While I’m a little more prepared for it than I was last year (being new last year), I’m still not quite mentally ready for the high pressure stress of it all.
One good thing that I’m looking forward to is getting away from it all later on this week. I’m flying out to visit one of my best friends (see the start of this post) and I’m sure that will ease my nerves, because we always have such amazing adventures together.