New guy and I went out for dinner last night, but unlike some of our other dates, we kind of threw together the details two hours beforehand, which admittedly made me a little anxious. We had been talking all week about getting together over the weekend, but neither one of us could decide on where to go, what to do and so on, we just both set aside time to see each other and that’s as far as we got. I kept thinking in my head, “oh no, maybe he really doesn’t want to see me and is just going out, out of obligation“. This is the most ridiculous thought, because he’s admittedly been just as indecisive as me since day one. Since we BOTH are, trying to plan things can sometimes take a little longer than it should. It doesn’t mean that he (or either one of us) doesn’t each the company of the other, we just can’t make a decision sometimes.
I think that occasional shared lack of decision making should technically have us cancel each other out, but we’ll see.
Dinner was fine and we spent hours talking as we usually do when we’re out on a date. He even opted to sit next to me in the booth we were seated at, just so we could talk a little bit more intimately, instead of shouting at one another obnoxiously from across the table. He told me last night that up until recently, he was reluctant to “get out of his comfort zone” and “try/experience new things”. Things as simple as pizza toppings. He said he just had a wakeup call recently and decided that he wanted to experience life a little fuller. Since we happened to be at a pizza place, I suggested that he choose the toppings based on what he THOUGHT he wanted to try. It was cute how he spent fifteen minutes going back and forth over all of the options, but he finally came up with a choice and we placed an order. I told him that I supported his notion of wanting to live life outside of the box, but that I didn’t want to “force him” to do/try anything he wasn’t comfortable with, because that’s easy to do with someone who admits to wanting to live outside of the box and experience new things. I find that both fascinating and scary all at the same time. It makes me wonder why he chose not to try new things previously and if I was something out of his “comfort zone” (he’s certainly outside of mine). He assured me that I hadn’t so far and that he couldn’t imagine me ever doing that anyway, because he knows me “well enough” to know I have good intentions.
Does he know me well enough?
We also talked about scars on our bodies (stories related to how we got them), our clumsy behavior, injuries to our eyes, times where we had gotten sick from drinking or general viruses, etc (you know, general proper dinner conversation).
He shared some photos of himself from facebook when he was in college to prove to me that he hasn’t “changed much” since those days. He’s perpetually looked 20 since he was well, 20…but looked 17 (and got carded last weekend when he bought us movie tickets for Logan). The only differences I could see was maybe how he dressed and maybe that he’s a little less goofy (he had full on cheesy smiles in almost every photo). I shared one of myself, but other than a change in hairstyle, he stated I basically looked the same too. I personally think I just look a little closer to my actual age than he does.
Dinner was great and he walked me to my car (as he usually does) to kiss me (multiple times) goodnight. We didn’t end the night at either one of our places as we have for our past few outings, but it was fine. We were both tired and even though we were closer to his place than mine, just thinking about making the long drive back to my place from there was draining and I was hoping he wouldn’t bring it up. I’m not sure if I want our dates to ONLY become intense make out sessions, even though those are a lot of fun, he’s a great kisser and knows what to do with his hands (TMI–I know). Granted, we always go on an actual date beforehand, but still… I feel like people in this generation get to a point where it’s exceptionable to call, “Netflix and chill” an actual date. I also don’t want to come across as fast, even though I’m sure he doesn’t necessarily think that.
I’ve got to stop all of these wacky thought processes with this guy because it’s starting to make spending time with him a little stressful. I’m not sure where these thoughts came from other than the fact that I didn’t necessarily see us still dating all of these weeks later. It’s caught me off guard, but maybe in a good way. I just don’t know how to handle it other than comparing it to the situation with blast from the past where we dated for a while and he eventually became semi distant, before telling me that he made the decision to start dating a girl from his home town (600 miles away, making it long distance, even though he and I dated locally for about a year and he and that girl dated just shy of 4 or 5 months). Yeah.
Needless to say, that messy situation damaged me and I think that’s why I do a lot of second guessing now.I also don’t care to waste a lot of time on something I don’t think is mutually beneficial. He made me feel abandoned and blindsided. It felt like someone knocked the wind out of me. And of course him starting back up the process of acting like he wants to date me, without any of the actual work or consistent effort, like being appropriately responsive…has me habitually annoyed. He’s lucky I even still acknowledge his existence after the bullshit he pulled.
I’m going to make it a point to not over analyze the situation with new guy too much anymore, which might require occupying my time doing other things (like indulging in a hobby). I think I’ll be happier if I don’t expect anything from him (including commitment). I didn’t go into this with that specific goal in mind right up front anyway, why should he?