Here it goes…
We broke up.
I can’t say I’m entirely surprised things happened in the way that they did, but it still stung just a wee tiny bit
I kept thinking, “what did I do?” I made sure to be clear about how I felt and what I enjoyed (both intimately and non-intimately). I took up the notion of picking up the tab every other time we went out (to show that I wasn’t just seeing him for free food–and that I genuinely enjoyed spending time with him). I accepted him for who he was a person. I was sweet. I listened. I didn’t text/call him to death , I was responsive any time he reached out to me, I was respectful…I didn’t have expectations…
I ultimately set myself up for failure from jump. I went into it not wanting anything serious, knowing that initially he wasn’t really my type. I wasn’t that interested in him (romantically) and I allowed it to cross over from casual to serious in a short period of time, which may have been what he wanted, but emotionally, I’m just not ready to be so serious.
Why did I let casual slide into “semi serious”? It’s because I got comfortable. Because I enjoyed the attention, the companionship, the adventure and the intimacy. He essentially provided me with everything I was missing from a previous situation and I just ran with it.
The night it happened he was very sweet and kept assuring me that I was very beautiful, very sweet, had such a big heart, always enjoyed being around me, was really bummed out that it had to be this way, genuinely sorry for hurting me, so on and so forth, BUT there was something MISSING that “should have been there by now”
He said, while he really liked me, he just felt there was a spark missing. He said, “it’s nothing you are and nothing you’ve done”. Well…ok then…?
At first I was kind of offended, but I quickly realized that he was right. I never ever liked him as much as my heart had me believe. He was sweet and we had fun together, and I liked him a person, but I think romantically, I liked the idea of him.
I got lost in the sauce and sort of overlooked actually attempting to date this guy. It got to a point where all I wanted to do was cuddle and be intimate with him and we did this quite a bit. Coincidentally, we’re the same zodiac sign and our sign is known for being intensely passionate. Together, we’re explosive! Dating someone with that same intensity of passion was amazing.
The breakdown I think were our timelines. I don’t think they were ever in sync. I’m not in any rush for anything serious (mentally), while he seems very adamant about the seriousness about a relationship (emotionally) as soon as appropriately possible. No one is at fault here at all. If finding something serious as soon as possible is what he needs, then he should go for it and I fully support it.
I for one don’t believe the entire situation was a waste. It was a fun and while I was kind of bummed at first, I’m glad I met him. He reminded me that I deserved to be treated with kindness, that I deserved affection and that I was capable of being (and feeling) beautiful .
During the breakup discussion (which lasted about an hour and a half), he really made an effort to be as open and kind as possible. He allowed me to speak and let me get out any raw emotion I felt in that moment and to my surprise I wasn’t really that upset about it at all. It was probably the nicest breakup ever….but he also kept referring to us as a “couple” during our discussion.
Now I may have my head in the clouds, but I never considered us a couple. We never had that conversation. In my mind we were dating and that’s it. I wouldn’t have wanted to be “a coupe” this early in, because that almost never ends well, but apparently being casual and then “falling in like with the IDEA of someone“, doesn’t end well either.
In any situation, I’m glad it happened, but I’m glad it’s over. We agreed to stay in touch post break up, but I’m not sure how that will go. Stripping the romantic aspect from our relationship makes it somewhat lackluster. Our first conversation PB (post breakup), was a bunch of rambling about Marvel. It wasn’t super exciting, even though it was great to talk to him. He’s more into that shit than I’ll ever be anyway. To be honest, we really don’t have anything to talk about, outside of our cats and comic book shows/movies and work banter, but I’ll keep an open mind about it.
It’s funny how in dating someone, you end up absorbing so much of who they are in such an abbreviated amount of time (still not even scratching the surface though). Abruptly cutting that off seems a bit disorienting.
Anyway, I’ve made it a point to stay busy and stay happy. Dating someone doesn’t define who I am and I am ok with being single. I don’t feel the need to rush out and date someone right now, but I’m open to it in the near future. I would like to work on not falling in like with the idea of someone though.