Blurry Line Pact

I need a break from pounding out code, so I figured I’d dabble a bit in updating this blog (I’ve been technically writing this for four days, but life is interrupting me talking about life).

I’ve been deep in my own head a lot, somewhat due to some elevated stress levels at work (looming deadlines) and somewhat having to do with my mind shifting from day to day on what I’m after and perhaps what I need and why what I need isn’t quite matching up with my wants.

I’m in this odd period of my life where I feel like there should be “movement”. Whether that’s buying a house, getting a brand new car, having a child, getting married, changing careers, I don’t know…I’ve been feeling pretty stagnant and antsy lately and I can’t put my finger on just why. Am I comparing myself to  my peers? Did just having a birthday remind me how old have to do with it? I don’t know. Whenever I dive into the abyss of what should be, I often find myself isolating and taking a social media hiatus to swim solo in hopes of not drowning in concerning myself with everything I’m not currently doing and trying to shift my mind onto what I am doing and what I have accomplished. This is when anxiety gets the best of me, because it ends up sending me into this tissy and I find myself extremely moody and indecisive externally while I sort things out in my head. I would be lying if I didn’t say I haven’t put a lot of thought into what makes me truly happy and what “path” to take to get towards being my happiest. I’m sure I’ll figure that out eventually…?

In other news, I’m still continuing to date Babyface. We had a cute little date Saturday night for dinner and a comedy show. I can’t put my finger on it, but when I’m in Babyface’s presence I feel very lightweight and carefree. I tend to forget about my stress. He reminds me of a time in my life where I had the whole world in front of me and I felt like I could conquer anything I wanted because I didn’t have random shit weighing me down (like anxiety, money, etc). He reminds me what it’s like to relax and focus more on my youthful, goofy side (he’s 2 years and 3 days younger than me, so we’re essentially around the same age–he just looks 22). Lately, I’ve been stuck in businesswoman mode (due to work–bitch bun and all), which has perpetually attributed to some super sour moods.

Oh, fun fact…I saw the teacher at this comedy show (who I’ve been out with a time or time infrequently over the past month or so).  I sort of had an idea that he was going to be there because I happened to mention it during text convo that I had plans to go to an improv show Saturday night and he asked me which one (which I never replied to on purpose). He was two rows in front of us, but I don’t think he saw me (since we were behind him, but who knows, I was mildy inebriated). While I have nothing to hide (in terms of being on a date because I’m not “exclusive” with anyone and I was minding my grown ass business and doing what I said I had planned to do), I still didn’t want to feel obligated to speak to him. I mostly wanted to focus on having a good time with Babyface and relaxing.

We managed to escape the comedy show without any awkwardness or forced social interaction (although, I did run into a good friend while in line for the bathroom) and made it back to my place safe and sound. By this point, it was snowing fairly heavily (which for this area is a little odd this late in March), so we opted to cuddle on the couch, have a few drinks and catch some netflix shows. We’ve closed the majority of our dates in this way and it’s just become somewhat assumed that all roads lead “cuddlesville”.

Which pause. Tangent here…if this were the ONLY activity we were doing, this wouldn’t fly, but since we do are actually having legitimate dates, it works well in that context.

I’ll admit, even though I’ve become quite the ice queen in these past few months, I do genuinely enjoy cuddling with Babyface. He’s very warm, comfortable and gentle (and he smells like heaven). He’s really come full circle. I feel like I’m being swaddled when I’m in his arms, which does wonders for my anxiety (which has been all over the place lately) and almost always puts me to straight sleep (no further assembly required). Whenever we sleep together (and I do mean ACTUAL sleep), he does this all night, which has worked wonders for my fragmented sleeping habits…much better than any sleeping pill. He does all of this and I can still completely approach the situation without a great deal of emotional attachment or expectation.

Anyway, I snoozed for a bit before he suggested that we go to bed, since by this point it was almost 4 a.m. Of course, once upstairs, the disruption of moving and waking up enough to walk upstairs shook our sleepies off and one thing lead to another and…

I’ve also started to notice that he’s become much more attentive in the bedroom. He takes his time a little more now to make sure we’re “in sync”. I also like that he’s not religiously routine. He mixes it up. One thing that’s sort of freaked me out every time we’re intimate is eye contact. I either heard or read somewhere on one of ya’ll’s blogs up here that eye contact during “the deed” is super intimate and should ONLY be “reserved” for “bae” or at least someone you’re in some sort of commitment with. I mean obviously yes, with my ex this was normal and I thought nothing of it…but with Babyface it weirds me out just a bit and I often try to break our gazes or avert my eyes away from his. I’ll look up at the ceiling, across the room, maybe at his ear…? I don’t know.  I don’t mind this little staring game of sorts any OTHER time, but too much runs through my mind otherwise. Maybe I’m weird or I have every genuine right to fear that he’s going to snatch my soul one of these days. Ha, I’m also fearful that I’ll make some odd or off putting facial expression that he’ll take personally as we continue to explore different avenues. I will say this has helped him identify at least one thing I don’t like…but I’m trying to do a little better about communicating 🙂 .

I woke up the following morning by him asking if he could bring me a glass of water and without even thinking about it, I thanked him for the thought. As I laid there waiting for him to come back upstairs, I realized that he’s definitely a guest in my house and I definitely just had a guest host me better in my own house than I’ve hosted the guest. I’m really terrible about this!

We spent hours (as we usually do) laying around in bed and talking before parting ways and starting our days–separately. Always separately. I like that we have our separate lives, errands, priorities, etc.

Per usual, we’ve stayed in touch this week concerning the trivial details of our day to day lives via text. This has been ongoing for weeks (months?) now. While it bothered me for a bit that our conversations are not super live and active (meaning we’re not often in an “active” back and forth conversation, there are gaps between our replies), I essentially checked myself, built a bridge and got over it. Aside from him voluntarily explaining that he’s often building things at work (he works as a manager at a contracting company that does residential and business renovations) and sets his phone down on a counter most of the day (as not to lose it or break it while he’s being epic and awesome), I just decided that I didn’t care. All that I ask for is consistency and if consistency with him right now is even responding at all (which he has), that’s all that I ask and in return, I can do the same. That’s about the extent of commitment I think I can handle right now. I’m more after consistency than anything.

I don’t know. It’s like I want something casual, but a little more formal than just the physical…kind of what we have now..but also, sort of an understanding or reassurance rather that, that’ll continue would be great? I know that’s a completely contradictory statement, but I’m a complex person..

To add complexity to this already shitshow of a long blog entry, I’m heading out after work to spend the weekend with blast from the past. To make an incredibly long story short, we lost touch while I was in my last relationship.I’ve sort of been indirectly dodging him these last few months ever since he found out I spent the day with my ex in his city without bothering to tell him I was in town or in a relationship (oops). I know, I know, I know, I’m a terrible person. I’m going to go and try to be a better friend now. Byeeeeee!






I feel like I’ve been going through my love life very mechanically lately. Somewhere along the way I’ve completely removed myself emotionally from it and it’s like I’m watching myself on autopilot go on these little adventures.

I initially approached all of this with a half-assed purpose, but that would require me to have a well thought out “end game”….So now I’m sort of meandering….

Take for instance Babyface. I’m halfway between wanting to better “define” who he even is to me and keeping him at a far enough away distance to be a semi frequent romantic companion as needed. I very rarely even mention him to friends, at least not specifically and not by name. He’s just this guy that I’m “seeing” for “however many weeks it’s been” (I haven’t been keeping count). I don’t know what that means or if I should even care enough to figure out what that means and why I feel that way. Who cares? After all, I’m not really after a “boyfriend”. I’m enjoying my “freedom”…Maybe I’m allowed to just let everything “be” and just enjoy myself in the moment for once.

Our interactions at times can be shapeless, but other times, wildly colorful and passionate like an abstract painting. Verbally (and particularly in text), he can be listless (but at times silly), but makes up for it affection-wise. I like that when we’re together we’re intertwined like the absurd Pisces fish symbol that we are, but I also like that we can swim solo while still staying (regularly) connected.

It’s weird, but a safe place for me to be right now. I’m definitely not ready to commit to anyone or anything. I still have whiplash from before.

There are days where I miss having a boyfriend (in the most general sense, not my ex specifically), like the other day after oral surgery where I was acting like a woman child because half of my face was numb, I was drooling uncontrollably and I was in too much pain to think hard enough about what “soft foods” to make myself for dinner. I briefly thought to the past about how I might have been taken care of. Given soup and maybe an ice pack and a salt water wash. I probably would have been scolded for not keeping the gauze in my bloody mouth and put to bed early (tucked in tightly) because pain medicine knocks me the fuck out fairly quickly and I say wild and off the wall shit before doing so.

Anyway, we have date plans Saturday. Dinner and a comedy show and probably some adventurous stuff later. I finally stopped feeling sore from previously. Should be fun. He’s always great company and should cheer me up from this medicated funk I’ve found myself in.

My apologies. I wrote this while heavily medicated and now I’m going to bed.

Land of Contentment

Life has been chaotic lately, but in a really good way…the kind of way leaves you smiling from ear to ear, laughing until you get cramps and uh feeling the type of pleasure that rumbles the earth underneath you (YAS GAWD–more on this later).

As I mentioned previously, I’m resuming my place in the land of happiness general contentment again. Sure, certain things have evolved and progressed in my life, but moreless, I also think my most recent episode with depression is subsiding just a bit, especially with the warmer weather and longer daylight hours. I believe with depression, you can use coping mechanisms, regularly medicate, talk it out and still feel this black hole of emptiness, especially if something devastating or traumatic occurs unexpectedly to send your already unsettled emotions into a tailspin. I always find myself at times feeling ashamed on this lingering sadness, but depression is a disease and not something I have the ability to ever fully shut off. I can only control ways to cope with it and remind myself that “it’s ok, I’m human”.

One of the more (I guess) funnier or should I say, “interesting” things I’m entertaining as I absorb this new lease on life is dating. I’ve spoken about this quite a bit up here, but in a nutshell it’s going and I’m having fun all while learning a lot about myself and the guy(s) I’m seeing. Like I’ve learned that I’m more of planner and prefer to have an idea about a date/activity a day or more in advance. Unless I’ve been with someone a while and our lives have become intertwined, it triggers my anxiety for a guy to ask what I’m doing THAT night or even several hours before. Even if I’m free, I find myself needing to be in the right mindset. Luckily though, I haven’t had to entertain this too much because most of the time I am actually already tied up by that point.

I’ve also learned (and reminded myself) to not rely or put a great deal of real estate or committment into anyone until they also step up and make their intentions on those things known as well. Right now, I’m not to that point with anyone. I really just find myself in the phase of just having fun and getting to know people and that’s ok. It’s freeing. I’m not in a rush to hop into a relationship (again), because this last situation almost took ya girl smooth out the game.

I had to remind myself of this at the end of last week when I found myself growing increasingly irritated with Babyface over his shitty text message response time. I’ve come to realize he’s always been a shitty texter, but my annoyance with this came to a head last friday when we were literally finalizing the FINER details of our date like 2-3 hours before. In his defense, we had decided earlier that week to go on a date friday (for dinner) and we’d pick the restaurant and time later on in the week. Cool. Literally six-thirty that evening he’s asking me, “Where do you want to eat?” and being the non-confrontational person that I am, started to say, “It doesn’t matter to me, I’m good with what ever…” but i KNEW by saying that it would easily be a several hour exchange going back and forth with like an hour or so in between responses. I finally put my “big girl” pants on and made an executive decision. 8:30. Thai restaurant in ____ shopping center, see you there. Don’t forget to wear pants.

Driving there I was in kind of a shitty mood over it, but I eventually relaxed once met up and put it all behind me. It’s difficult to be mad at him because he looks so innocent. Ha. After dinner we ventured back to my place (not before swinging by the grocery store to pick up beer–which took him 30 MINUTES to decide on which beer to get before I just grabbed a six pack and told him I was going to pay for it so we could make money moves). He claims to be “indecisive”. Once back at my place he sort of made it up to me by cuddling me close while watching t.v. and uh…really taking care of me intimately in hands down probably one of the more (if not THE) top experiences I’ve had to date. He’s starting to get better at this 👍🏽. Yeah, I couldn’t walk normally for a few days…and I just *might* have pulled a muscle, but it’s all good.

Anyway, as we woke up the next morning, with him cuddling me really close, I realized I didn’t really have a place to be annoyed with him by his shitty texting. That’s apparently just who he is and I doubt calling him out on it will make him change. Plus, he’s talkative enough in person and we’re able to coexist with one another in our moments alone and have active lives outside of our interactions. Not to mention, we’re not a couple and (in my mind) this is still very casual. At the very least he responds and keeps a conversation going, just at a slower pace. Alright, whatever…just means I’m going to proceed with planning my life as I want to and he can fit in where there’s space. This current week, I made it a point to stop being as immediately responsive to his texts. I don’t need to jump to respond to everything he says right away. Gotta let his mind wonder… Ha, two can play that game and I’ve practiced responding when I *feel* like it, which has been upwards to 8 hrs, without an apology. I don’t really owe him an apology or an explanation. I don’t find that to be petty, but fair in this situation and if he has a problem with it…

come at me bro

Aside from that, my social calendar has been jam packed with colorful social engagements and I love it. It’s forced me out of my comfort zone (I’m an introvert) and has allowed me to see new places, try new things and continue to bond with friends (old and new). I wouldn’t have it any other way, tbh. I guess I became so cut off socially from the rest of the world in my last relationship, that I’m trying to do everything in my power to keep that from happening again, because it’s not really healthy.

Anywho, I have chicken to make and ass to shake. Looking forward to having a grand time this weekend with all of the random things going on.

Oh and just for the culture, this will never stop being funny. Happy St. Patrick’s Day:

Make Nice (and mean it)

So part of my goals for 2018 was to leave any of the hateful, bitter and downright ugly emotions I experienced at the very end of 2017 behind. What time to start new, start fresh and look towards the future, right? Of course, this was way easier said than done, especially a couple of days into the new year, but I’m happy to report that it’s gotten easier and I feel like a much more normalized version of myself (still working on it though).

Of course a HUGE part of this attitude adjustment was to finish the healing process, forgive my ex (and think of the experience as a life lesson) and to genuinely wish him well. The last part took the longest by far, haha. As sweet as he is, for a few months I really wasn’t in the right mental or emotional space to wish him well and that’s ok. I’m HUMAN and I needed to get through it (all the feels) and get to the other side of feeling better. What’s important is that I didn’t act on or verbalize much of my (lack of) well wishes.

So fast forward to present day and things are much better. We’ve actually spoken a few times over the past couple of weeks and we actually chatted via text for a little while after work yesterday. He updated me on his house hunt and told me he had put an offer on a place. Fun fact, his house (should he get it) is less than a mile down the street from my parent’s house. Ha, I’m not sure how I feel about that, but good for him regardless.

The house he has his eyes on is an older house in need of significant repairs and he has it in his heart to completely renovate it “on his own” as much as humanly possible. He’s been talking about this since I’ve known him actually. I remember walking around IKEA with him one night and watching his eyes light up with excitement over all of the possibilities. It’s like his thing. That’s quite a task to take on, but I believe in him and believe he’s motivated enough to make it happen. He’s got a really creative mind and I just know something fabulous will come out of it.

All in all he seems to be a in good place too. I remember him not doing so well right around Thanksgiving, so I’m glad that he at least seems to be better too. Neither one of us went into any specific detail about our dating lives, but then again, I don’t find that to be a topic I feel that I owe him an elaborate narrative on or do I feel the need to know an elaborate explanation on his either.

I’m very proud of myself, because several months ago I would have approached all of this in an emotionally reckless and self-destructive fashion. I’m happy I can find genuine happiness for someone without any ill will or petty motives brewing AND without any lingering ROMANTIC feelings on top of all of that. I can talk to him in a completely platonic way and feel nothing there (outside of maybe acquaintanceship–I wouldn’t say that we’re “friends” just yet) . I get joy out of knowing those things are happening for him. It feels great to no longer have a heart saturated in sadness and hate.


You know what’s annoying?


No, not these flakes:

snow flake

Not these either…


These are mildly annoying…

head flakes

But ok…It’s PEOPLE who flake That are ultimately super annoying to me. Now I’m going to keep it real, I don’t always make it to all of my “commitments”, but I usually try to keep my word unless there is a dire need to cancel (illness, mental/emotional/physical exhaustion, emergencies, etc). As an introvert, someone with a hectic/demanding job AND someone with bouts of anxiety/depression, I get having moments pop up where you just need to cancel plans, but I try not to make a habit of agreeing to do something and then canceling last minute over and over and over. It’s tired.

The act of flaking per se, doesn’t bother me. Shit happens. What bothers me is when someone becomes a HABITUAL FLAKER. It just becomes ridiculous because after so many occurences, it just makes you look like a really shitty friend/family member/co-worker, etc. I feel like people make being a decent human being a lot harder than it really is. Say what you’re going to do, follow through with it (AS OFTEN AS YOU CAN) and press on with life. Dassit. Simple science.

I have this friend who is more reliable as a flake than they are in any other sense of the word and I can’t really even get angry at her at this point because it’s laughable. Whenever she agrees to show up when we’re all hanging out or meeting up, I almost always assume she’s going to flake out and 97% of the time she does. It’s her “thing” I guess and I no longer take it personally because I just anticipate it and have come to accept the fact that she not a reliable person, which is sad, because no one should have to make excuses for why their friends are being shitty friends and “live with it”.

The funnier part here is that she’ll occasionally reach out and want to do things around town, which is awesome because I’m always up for adventure! In the past, I used to always make it a point to be supportive and join her, but fairly recently (as of maybe this past month) I find myself never giving her a definite confirmation that I’ll be there. “Sounds fun, I’ll see.” or, “I’ll let you know” and then I DO let her know that I’m not going and I don’t feel bad about it. I just don’t feel like carving out time in my day for it. I don’t feel like I need to feel obligated to be a loyal or supportive friend to someone who flakes as much as she does.  There is a difference between AGREEING to doing something and flaking out last minute and simply never agreeing to go in the first place. You want consistent loyalty in your friends, be a good friend. Keep your word. Show up to shit. Be a better friend. Period. End of discussion.





I’ve mentioned up here a few times about how I’ve met all over this wonderful people post breakup (back in November). Sure, some of the people I met through other friends or through random circumstances, but I’ve met a great deal of them through Meetup.

Now, I’m not going to get up here and plug Meetup (because they are not paying me to do so), but it’s been a great tool to flesh out my social circle a bit. Don’t get me wrong, I love and adore all of my friends equally, but there are certain hobbies I like to do or places I want to go/things I want to experience that may not appeal to all of them and that’s fine. Plus, once you kind of get out of college, making NEW friends outside of your social circle and work environment can be a little more challenging.

Meetup is just like its name says…it’s a “meet up”. You use the site to join “meetups” (groups) and RSVP to “events” that group is putting on. All of the “meetups” have “hosts” (some have one host others have several) that organize and post the events to members. Some have “meetups” weekly and others more sporadically or in more of an ad-hoc sense. Pretty much every group’s purpose is to help its members to branch out and meet new like minded folks. It’s great for people who have recently moved to town or just for people who may be a little shy or even newly single (hey, that’s me). Shortly after the break up, I was feeling really down in the dumps and really lonely (I don’t want to link to this because the post was extra sad). I probably spent at least two weeks just going to work and sleeping. I also wasn’t eating and was just barely getting through work each day. I was on autopilot. It didn’t help that during this time, I was for whatever goofy reason still seeing my ex (for lunch, coffee, etc), which was a bad idea because he also looked like death warmed over. It just made everything hurt that much more because we were both sad and it enhanced my sadness to see him like that. Yeah, I did a lot of sleeping and can’t remember a good chunk of that time period. I was not in a good place emotionally. Anyway, after having a bit of an emotional spaz fest around Thanksgiving, I decided I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and get back to living my life, but that I needed to live my life a bit differently and maybe try and do things I hadn’t done before to keep my mind off of being sad. I figured, what better way to do that than to pick up a new hobby or two and the rest is history.

I now have an additional social circle of friends that I regularly spend time with even outside of our regular meetups. We usually do a few things outside of meetup weekly and lately over each other’s places. It’s been so much fun getting to know them. They really helped me get through a dark period a few months ago and even more of a bonus, many of them had also just gone through breakups, so we were all kind of healing and leaning on one another to get better. It’s been great.

Aside from all of the positives that have come from meetup, like meeting new people that have become great friends, brushing up on various hobbies of mine, venturing out to new places in the area that I’ve never been to and getting a different perspective on life in general, it has also come with some negative aspects. One of which being the amount of men two stepping into my message box (yes, there is a messaging feature in meetup. Think of it like email).

Typically, the message function is supposed to be used by organizers to communicate with group members about events, but sometimes can also be used to communicate with members in your group…but for whatever reason lately, I’ve been inundated with messages from guys hitting on me, asking for my number, flatout asking me out on dates— sir, WTF?!

First of all, yes meetup could be used as a tool to date and or meet your next S.O., especially if you join a meetup geared towards that (like speed dating, singles groups/outings, etc), but cold messaging somebody out the fucking blue that you don’t even know or have never even seen in person is a little bold for my taste. It’s also bold to assume that person is not already in a relationship or at the very least actively dating. I could be an asshole and print screen these messages up here, but I don’t think that’s necessary. It’s just annoying. I don’t even have a racy photo on meetup. I’m literally in a sweater and jeans and my hair is frizzy. I think I took the photo in my bathroom. I personally think I look like a bum.

I will summarize two message exchanges I’ve had up there within the past month:

  1. One guy messaged me because we were in the same meetup group (not one I’m active in) and then further into the conversation asked if any of the groups I was a member of indicated if I was single. He then proceeded to ask me if I was “into older men”…Gross. No, dude.
  2. Another guy (just earlier this week) sent me some long message asking if I had seen black panther (which I have). Then further along his lengthy message asked me out on a date to go see the movie and wanted to know if I wanted to do dinner after, “my choice”. NO. WTH.
  3. Another guy after asking me about a meetup asked me to send him more photos of me and drop my digits. SO FULL OF NOPE.

Obviously, the meetups that I share with these guys (if any at all) are not ones I’m even active in or are meetups that are dormant and I’ve just been too lazy to remove them from my profile.

But jazzedout, you’ll date someone online, what makes this any different?


What makes this different is that I’m actively choosing to use online dating as one of MANY tools to date.  I am not actively choosing to be borderline harassed on a social website. Meetup is not specifically meant for online dating (exclusively anyway–it is not a dating website) nor is my entire reason for using it meant for dating. If you just so happen to date someone you meet through meetup, great, but cold messaging people is a bit creepy. Secondly, if I am online dating and I decide to meet that person IRL, we’ve usually spoken quite a bit and feel comfortable enough with one another before even moving to that stage. I’ve never been one to be like, “hey, this guy I know NOTHING about just asked me to see this movie tonight in his first message, off I go”.


No sir. You ever seen a lifetime movie or 1,000 ways to die? Won’t be me. Bet.

Anyway, aside from the creepy men dropping in my messages (I’m usually nice and respond by politely declining, but I think I’ll just start ignoring or blocking all together), it’s been a pretty cool tool to use in expanding my social circles. I definitely recommend it….just maybe shut your messaging feature off (I believe you also get communications from your organizers in your email too), so you probably don’t technically need that feature turned on.


As I ease back into dating (a little wiser now), I can’t help but to wonder if what I feel Is “normal”. I’ve dated a few guys here and there and while all of them were/are (still dating some of them at the same time) nice, none of them really “wowed” me. Should they have “wowed” me? Should I have immediately been blown away by being in their presence like a romcom? Like sure, maybe some hobby or some cool experience that they went through excited me in a particular moment, but otherwise…bleh…

Perhaps I became spoiled with my ex because that DID happen on our first date. Even in conversations leading up to it, he intrigued me enough to really look forward to the date. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that, that so rarely happens IRL. In most of my interactions, it sometimes takes a date or two (couple 2, 3, 4…) before I start to have those feelings. After All, you can hardly really know the complexities of someone just by going on one date and speaking for a week or two via text (even though that did indeed happen to me). Well, I guess you can if you speak about very specific things and just naturally have that instant connection. That’s so damn rare though.

I’m not sure. Maybe it will come later…hopefully not too much later? How much later IS later anyway?

It’s weird, it’s like I’m building up to this amazing connection or interaction and it’s just very vanilla. Not that vanilla is bad (I like vanilla flavored things), it’s just I was hoping more for mint chocolate chip, cookies and crème, maybe cookie dough? Brownie Batter Core??? With some sprinkles, whipped cream and a cherry on top!

This notion of having butterflies and seeing stars and such has crossed my mind a bit more lately as I continue to more regularly see babyface. Like I’ve mentioned before, I really have fun with him, he’s super chill, very nice, attractive, affectionate and so on…but I don’t (or have yet) to feel that spark. Should I feel a spark or is the fact that I don’t completely hate spending time with him and don’t mind him being up in my guts house enough?

Perhaps it’s me and I’m holding back emotionally if for no other reason to protect my heart which is just coming off of trauma and still needs to be handled with care. Yeah, I’m slightly “out of order” emotionally right now. I just have no interest in diving head first into anything.

When I lay with him, I sometimes think about my ex. Not for long periods of time (seconds, really), but I’ll think about how I felt while laying with him vs. babyface. Both experiences are different, but great in their own right. If anything, I do feel more comfortable (physically) laying with babyface (in his arms) than my ex, but I felt more secure laying with my ex. I probably lay with babyface for more shallow reasons like his muscle definition and how he’s the perfect level of warmth and how he gives me these adorable little forehead kisses periodically while rubbing my back or shoulder.

But then there are the text messages. I’ll just be blunt, they suck. Yes, we talk back and forth all day, everyday, but it’s never a that consistent of conversation and hours sometimes separate these messages. We both work demanding jobs (which I get), but some of that time between seems almost inappropriate. I don’t think we need to be in super involved back and forth conversation all day every day, but I think designating even a small amount each day (or a few days a week) to catching up in real time, would be nice. I don’t think he was ever really that consistent or exciting in text messages before, but right before our first date, they were just a hair more frequent. Just slightly. Well, enough to keep me interested enough to want to date him. Naturally, I would take this to mean that he’s not that interested, but yet he continues to ask me out every single week and while we’re together, really makes it known that he wants to spend time with me for as long as he can.

Bish, Whet? I have a confusion. What is this guy doing?


This is highly perplexing. Maybe he’s just a shitty text messenger. He did allude to that in mentioning how he doesn’t respond much when friends send him group messages.

But regardless, shouldn’t I *feel* something? Shouldn’t my heart skip a beat? Shouldn’t a smile cross my face for like 45% of the day because “he’s in my life”?

Maybe I need to stop comparing this situation to things in the past and focus on it more intently.

Txt Msgs.

Ok guys. I’ve hate that I even feel the need to rant/vent about this, but it’s driving me crazy and I need to essentially unload a bit….so blogging I will do!

Have you ever noticed how differently people approach text messaging, especially in the realms of specific kind of relationships and even in the different stages of these relationships and how you approach text messaging in various situations influences how you think someone else should approach text messaging too? It’s funny really, but definitely something (depending upon the importance placed on it) that can potentially derail or enhance your “connection” with someone.

So sure. We have all of these rules about face to face communication, how you’re supposed to make eye contact, appear “engaged”, appropriately respond just as much as you contribute in a conversation and use tact, right? And I guess there are some phone etiquette rules, but I don’t care enough to look those up since I rarely even talk on the phone these days. Text messaging to me is still this weird gray area that is tricky to address, because who’s to say what’s right or wrong?

In text messaging, I like to consider myself “responsive” with most friends, family and “others”. I’m able to keep a conversation going and it doesn’t phase me to end the conversation to actively live life or even not be in text message conversations on a daily basis. I use text messaging as a means to catch up, check in, plan, and at times, to get to know people.

I’m rambling on about all of this to say THIS: It is literally driving me crazy texting with babyface. I’ve never labeled him as one of those people that gets engrossed in all day long in mindless text babble, but it’s hugely annoying sometimes the frequency at which he texts. Which is crazy, because his responses are appropriately matched with mine, but his response rate is almost inappropriately slow and disproportionate.

At first, I took this to mean that he was not interested (and I was borderline myself at this point), but like clockwork, he still continues to text me every. single. day. EVERY DAY. with like 2-5 hour time gaps between each message. Again, if these were one worded answers (which alludes to a one sided conversation), I would again think he’s not interested, but he’s usually the one keeping the conversation going believe it or not. Even if I’m lazy and just respond to something he’s asked, he’ll respond to what I said and ask something else. He tells me good morning (occasionally good night if he doesn’t pass out beforehand), asks about my day, follows up on things that I’ve told him (will ask if a co-worker or a project that stressed me out earlier in the week has gotten better), will empathize when I’ve had a bad day, will help solve a problem I’m having (I had serious issues with my truck last week and he gave me advice) etc.  It’s like he’s engaged, but somewhat slowly. And yet, through all of this continues to want to see me and almost always tells me “any day” I want to get together will be “open” (for me).

When we’re together, we have a lot fun. There’s chemistry among other things there. He makes me laugh, we’re attracted to one another and share interests, but I have also noticed that he’s not particularly tied to his phone. I mean, he has it on him and will occasionally use it to look something up if we’re opting to move our dates (used it to buy our movie tickets a few weeks ago before the phone died) to other locations in order to continue them, but that’s it. I mean, that’s great. I think it’s rude when people goof around on their phones while out with someone. He barely references it and even mentioned not really responding to friends of his who had group messaged him one night while we were having dinner. When he stays over my place, he never charges his phone. Ever, but also doesn’t “hide” it or leave it faced down. It usually falls out of his pocket in the midst of…ahem…things we’re doing and he’ll leave it there. He’ll notice it being almost dead and doesn’t ask of I have a charger (because I don’t, he has an android and I have an iphone). I’m not sure if he even brings a charger OVER. I don’t even know if he has one in his truck! He just seems really unbothered in general.

Maybe I’m being an asshole about this, but it’s kind of annoying when someone appears to want to actively talk to you by asking you detailed questions and then taking hours to reply back. I get work (I’m busy at work as well), but after hours, especially when you say you’re lounging around or whatever, is weird to me. Sure, we all fall asleep, have our phones die, etc.  It really makes me not want to continue to text him because it makes me anxious. And sure, if he’s also dating other people I get it. I’m actively dating several other guys, but I’m as responsive as I can be to all of them. I also don’t talk to the others everyday like I do with him (he’s who I am primarily dating), but when we do talk, they’re appropriately responsive.

I’ve even compared this with past guys I’ve dated or been in relationships with. I’ve been all over the spectrum. I have an ex that took DAYS to respond (and then would respond with a one word-one sentence response) and would only be responsive if you CALLED him and my most recent ex was unnaturally responsive 24/7 and would reply in these lonnngggg paragraphs. His text messages (especially early on) would so fucking long and ask all of these questions and include all of this information. While sweet, it used to make my head hurt sometimes and would take more an hour to respond just because I had to comprehend the entire message first and make sure I was appropriately addressing everything he said in the text. Even now though his texts can be semi long, but even still he’s still pretty damn responsive.

Perhaps he’s just not a “phone” person in general. Which might be a good thing. But c’mon dude.

slow texting

Ugggghhh it’s super annoying.

Anyway, we have a date for Friday. I doubt I’ll mention any of this to him because I’m not sure if it’s worth mentioning. It’s not my place to really. Perhaps I’ll just be more limited and less frequent with my responses to his already slow responses. I don’t need to jump to be responsive to someone who probably won’t even respond back for another 3+ hours.

I just looked at my phone and he responded to a text I sent around 8 last night (in response to a text he sent me around 7 p.m. asking me to tell him about my day) around 9 this morning…I may hear from him again around lunch, but most likely not until after 4 or 5 (I’m queuing this one, but I wrote this mid-morning).

Mr. Swagoo

So I’ve been meaning to write a follow up post about dude from valentine’s day, let’s just call him, “mr. swagoo”. As I mentioned in that post, I was instantly drawn to him because he was so cool. He’s traveled to all of these amazing places, seemed really smart, was very well put together, dressed very professionally and was very kind and non judgemental to everyone. Talking to him seemed to come second nature to me and we spent hours in a bar valentine’s day chatting, which sealed our solid friendship.

Fast Forward several weeks and we’ve even gone out a few times (solo) as friends. One Saturday night, he took me to a concert downtown. It was kind of a lame concert (a friend of his got free tickets and gave them to him), but it was still fun being there with him and cracking jokes about everything around us.

Friday night I had a huge gathering for my birthday at this local Mexican restaurant and he came out despite not really knowing any of my other friends, which I thought was sweet, especially since we’ve known each other MAYBE three and a half weeks. He immediately integrated in with everyone as if he had known them all for years and even really hit it off with another good friend that I recently met a week or two coming off of the break-up. He “worked the room” much better than I did (after a  while, I became too drunk and overwhelmed to really move around like that and just sort of allowed people to come to me).

After chatting with everyone, he came back over to me and bought me a few drinks (he his a jack and coke, old fashion or bourbon neat sort of guy–classy). The way he sat close to me and placed his hand on mine as we chatted caused me to tune everyone else out and tune into to him exclusively. He tuned everyone out as well and focused just on me. We talked about getting together in the coming week for dinner and HIS birthday dinner the following weekend (which he invited me to the same night that we met). He left towards the end of the dinner as my other friends started talking about making plans to venture downtown. He gave me this huge bear hug and told me to text him. He explicitly also asked me to text him later to let him know I made it home ok too (after the tomfoolery downtown with friends). As the responsible adult that he is, he mentioned needing to get some rest so he could tend to his yard work in the morning.  He owns his own house about five minutes down the road from my townhome (which I am renting-eek) and I found out through conversation that he owns a corvette (o__o) as a second car. Clearly I’m not living my best life, folks.

After his departure, one of my lifelong best friends (who was also there) made a comment to me about how nice mr. swagoo seemed and even asked if there was something going on between us.


At first I found this funny until I actually thought about it (in my drunken mind) and how I may have been unintentionally friendzoning him. Oops. I thought back to all of the times he asked to “hangout” and how half of those times I declined in order to dick around with friends or the guys HALF his worth I’ve been dating. I thought about how he always texts me and how responsive, funny and very kind he is in his texts. I thought about how well we clicked that night we met and how non-judgemental he is. I thought about how I’ve seen numerous examples of how sweet and thoughtful he is…and I thought about how nice he dressed.

Why have I been blind to this?! Have I really spent this many weeks in a consistent drunken haze that I haven’t noticed?!

I think what it boils down to (and I did a tweet thread about this last weekend) is that I’m so used to having guy friends that I often don’t think twice about it. I just assume if I met a guy under the realm of a friendly environment, friends we sha’ll be! I rarely stop to think, “maybe this guy quite possibly may want to be all up in my guts…or in the very least, might want to entertain getting to know me beyond friends”. It literally takes a guy shaking me and shouting that he wants to date me sometimes in order for me to realize these things. This might also have something to do with self esteem (although much better than years past) and how I don’t really believe I’m anyone’s “type” or truly believe guys when they tell me they like or me that I’m beautiful. Yeah I know, this is wild. I’m working through this.

I’m not saying this guy is any of those things and for all I know maybe he’s just really nice and enjoys my company just as I enjoy his. I will say that my eyes are open now and I’m starting to pay a little bit more attention to him. I’d like to get to know him more, even if it’s as friends. He had my curiosity, now he has my attention. He’s not even my “type”, which might be perfect, because clearly my “type” hasn’t been working out so well these last few years. I realized this weekend that I find him to be extremely sexy. He just has swag out of this atmosphere and I want to be around the good vibes he’s putting off.

Anyway, I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself here, I just plan to be a bit more on alert than before. I’m fine being friends with him because he’s unlike anyone else in my life right now and I think he offers a different perspective on life. He’s allowing me to reconsider what I want out of life and how maybe I’m holding back just a bit on some of my goals and dreams.


Happy F***ing Birthday

Thirty-two, day two. First off, I’d like to apologize, for I was being a mega bitch yesterday. it was three parts PMS, shitty weather and somehow feeling like I needed to be validated on my birthday. My anxiety “hit the quan” yesterday. I was in the pits of emotional hell and I’m happy to report that while I feel like death warmed over (yesterday was a chaotic and crazy day), I feel much better.

The validation ramble had little to do with friends and family. I was overloaded with love yesterday by everyone and I feel blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. I allowed one person to completely send me into a tailspin and that ladies and gents was….drumroll….my ex.


All joking aside though, that was concerning. Why do I need him to wish me a happy birthday? Why was that important to me when I’m moving on (and have moved on mentally, physically and mostly emotionally). We’re on good terms and I’m very happy for him and his endeavors, but for some reason it really bothered me that he never wished me a happy birthday, when I know he knows when it is. In fact, not even a week into really “dating” him he was able to tell me what day it was, rather or not I was born on a “leap year” (I wasn’t), my exact age, what my zodiac sign was, what my chinese zodiac animal was, my birthday month “personality” and so on, what my time of birth meant. I remember he was so proud of himself for rambling off this information while cooking one evening. Hell, I don’t even know some of that stuff. I’m good to know my zodiac sign and that’s it. Impressive or perhaps he really stalked the shit out of me (we were fb friends by this point) and did his googles? Actually, that’s kind of creepy now that I’m reading that back…

But how hard is it to wish someone a happy birthday really? Takes two seconds and you’ve probably put a smile on their face. Hell, facebook TELLS YOU when it’s someone’s birthday. I try to wish everyone in my life a happy birthday. I personally try to do it through phone or text because I think facebook is impersonal, but the sentiment is still all the same. I even wished an ex before him a happy birthday (his was the week before mine) and he did the same. Took two seconds, he thanked me and we moved on. Another ex of mine even CALLED me yesterday to wish me a happy birthday we were able to have a casual conversation (about cars) and move on. Zero emotion. Bam.

Part of me thinks he intentionally didn’t wish me a happy birthday, perhaps to keep things clean (since he’s an “ex” and I think he knows he really hurt me) and to ensure that his “presence” didn’t derail my day. Plus, by doing so, we’d feel obligated to small talk (even though he usually initiates the small talking whenever we do communicate now, but whatevs *kanye shrug*). Or maybe chucked it out of his mind altogether. It’s cool. I don’t need his validation, bih (yes, this is a word Urban dictionary it). I still managed to have a mildly decent day regardless and I still sincerely wish him all the best. He’s still a great person.

It’s funny how even though we as humans possess all of this strength and resilience, we still have moments like this that make us feel so small and insignificant.


I think for me personally it has less to do with my ex specifically (like him as a person) and more to do with the fact that we were’t just acquaintances, we were in a whole ass relationship. This person was once a very integral part of my life as was I in his and although this didn’t last forever, we connected on a deep enough level that I think he would be kind enough to AT LEAST consider the well wishes. He’s always preached this gospel about “being nice to everyone” and “putting kindness out into world,” because “when you’re kind/nice to people, you get the same in return”. Simply acknowledging someone’s day of birth is a KIND thing to do even if you weren’t intimate with them (shit, especially if you WERE).

Wishing someone a “happy birthday”, doesn’t mean you want to hook-up with them, get back together with them or any other twisted manipulate, self-righteous motive. It simply means , “hey, I’m glad that you’re alive, have an awesome day!”.

Update : I was just hit with the, “I logged onto facebook this morning and facebook said yesterday was your birthday….so sorry, distracted by the house hunt…Happy Birthday…well, happy belated birthday!”

Girl, I guess….


He knew goodness goddamn well yesterday was my birthday without the aid the book of face.

Anyway, enough about that yik yak. I’m dizzy and crampy, but I have a fun night planned with a bus load of friends to kick off this birthday weekend and combined birthday plans with my fellow piscean in “crime” and bedsheets, babyface.