Thirty-two, day two. First off, I’d like to apologize, for I was being a mega bitch yesterday. it was three parts PMS, shitty weather and somehow feeling like I needed to be validated on my birthday. My anxiety “hit the quan” yesterday. I was in the pits of emotional hell and I’m happy to report that while I feel like death warmed over (yesterday was a chaotic and crazy day), I feel much better.
The validation ramble had little to do with friends and family. I was overloaded with love yesterday by everyone and I feel blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. I allowed one person to completely send me into a tailspin and that ladies and gents was….drumroll….my ex.
All joking aside though, that was concerning. Why do I need him to wish me a happy birthday? Why was that important to me when I’m moving on (and have moved on mentally, physically and mostly emotionally). We’re on good terms and I’m very happy for him and his endeavors, but for some reason it really bothered me that he never wished me a happy birthday, when I know he knows when it is. In fact, not even a week into really “dating” him he was able to tell me what day it was, rather or not I was born on a “leap year” (I wasn’t), my exact age, what my zodiac sign was, what my chinese zodiac animal was, my birthday month “personality” and so on, what my time of birth meant. I remember he was so proud of himself for rambling off this information while cooking one evening. Hell, I don’t even know some of that stuff. I’m good to know my zodiac sign and that’s it. Impressive or perhaps he really stalked the shit out of me (we were fb friends by this point) and did his googles? Actually, that’s kind of creepy now that I’m reading that back…
But how hard is it to wish someone a happy birthday really? Takes two seconds and you’ve probably put a smile on their face. Hell, facebook TELLS YOU when it’s someone’s birthday. I try to wish everyone in my life a happy birthday. I personally try to do it through phone or text because I think facebook is impersonal, but the sentiment is still all the same. I even wished an ex before him a happy birthday (his was the week before mine) and he did the same. Took two seconds, he thanked me and we moved on. Another ex of mine even CALLED me yesterday to wish me a happy birthday we were able to have a casual conversation (about cars) and move on. Zero emotion. Bam.
Part of me thinks he intentionally didn’t wish me a happy birthday, perhaps to keep things clean (since he’s an “ex” and I think he knows he really hurt me) and to ensure that his “presence” didn’t derail my day. Plus, by doing so, we’d feel obligated to small talk (even though he usually initiates the small talking whenever we do communicate now, but whatevs *kanye shrug*). Or maybe chucked it out of his mind altogether. It’s cool. I don’t need his validation, bih (yes, this is a word Urban dictionary it). I still managed to have a mildly decent day regardless and I still sincerely wish him all the best. He’s still a great person.
It’s funny how even though we as humans possess all of this strength and resilience, we still have moments like this that make us feel so small and insignificant.
I think for me personally it has less to do with my ex specifically (like him as a person) and more to do with the fact that we were’t just acquaintances, we were in a whole ass relationship. This person was once a very integral part of my life as was I in his and although this didn’t last forever, we connected on a deep enough level that I think he would be kind enough to AT LEAST consider the well wishes. He’s always preached this gospel about “being nice to everyone” and “putting kindness out into world,” because “when you’re kind/nice to people, you get the same in return”. Simply acknowledging someone’s day of birth is a KIND thing to do even if you weren’t intimate with them (shit, especially if you WERE).
Wishing someone a “happy birthday”, doesn’t mean you want to hook-up with them, get back together with them or any other twisted manipulate, self-righteous motive. It simply means , “hey, I’m glad that you’re alive, have an awesome day!”.
Update : I was just hit with the, “I logged onto facebook this morning and facebook said yesterday was your birthday….so sorry, distracted by the house hunt…Happy Birthday…well, happy belated birthday!”
Girl, I guess….
He knew goodness goddamn well yesterday was my birthday without the aid the book of face.
Anyway, enough about that yik yak. I’m dizzy and crampy, but I have a fun night planned with a bus load of friends to kick off this birthday weekend and combined birthday plans with my fellow piscean in “crime” and bedsheets, babyface.