Blurry Line Pact

I need a break from pounding out code, so I figured I’d dabble a bit in updating this blog (I’ve been technically writing this for four days, but life is interrupting me talking about life).

I’ve been deep in my own head a lot, somewhat due to some elevated stress levels at work (looming deadlines) and somewhat having to do with my mind shifting from day to day on what I’m after and perhaps what I need and why what I need isn’t quite matching up with my wants.

I’m in this odd period of my life where I feel like there should be “movement”. Whether that’s buying a house, getting a brand new car, having a child, getting married, changing careers, I don’t know…I’ve been feeling pretty stagnant and antsy lately and I can’t put my finger on just why. Am I comparing myself to  my peers? Did just having a birthday remind me how old have to do with it? I don’t know. Whenever I dive into the abyss of what should be, I often find myself isolating and taking a social media hiatus to swim solo in hopes of not drowning in concerning myself with everything I’m not currently doing and trying to shift my mind onto what I am doing and what I have accomplished. This is when anxiety gets the best of me, because it ends up sending me into this tissy and I find myself extremely moody and indecisive externally while I sort things out in my head. I would be lying if I didn’t say I haven’t put a lot of thought into what makes me truly happy and what “path” to take to get towards being my happiest. I’m sure I’ll figure that out eventually…?

In other news, I’m still continuing to date Babyface. We had a cute little date Saturday night for dinner and a comedy show. I can’t put my finger on it, but when I’m in Babyface’s presence I feel very lightweight and carefree. I tend to forget about my stress. He reminds me of a time in my life where I had the whole world in front of me and I felt like I could conquer anything I wanted because I didn’t have random shit weighing me down (like anxiety, money, etc). He reminds me what it’s like to relax and focus more on my youthful, goofy side (he’s 2 years and 3 days younger than me, so we’re essentially around the same age–he just looks 22). Lately, I’ve been stuck in businesswoman mode (due to work–bitch bun and all), which has perpetually attributed to some super sour moods.

Oh, fun fact…I saw the teacher at this comedy show (who I’ve been out with a time or time infrequently over the past month or so).  I sort of had an idea that he was going to be there because I happened to mention it during text convo that I had plans to go to an improv show Saturday night and he asked me which one (which I never replied to on purpose). He was two rows in front of us, but I don’t think he saw me (since we were behind him, but who knows, I was mildy inebriated). While I have nothing to hide (in terms of being on a date because I’m not “exclusive” with anyone and I was minding my grown ass business and doing what I said I had planned to do), I still didn’t want to feel obligated to speak to him. I mostly wanted to focus on having a good time with Babyface and relaxing.

We managed to escape the comedy show without any awkwardness or forced social interaction (although, I did run into a good friend while in line for the bathroom) and made it back to my place safe and sound. By this point, it was snowing fairly heavily (which for this area is a little odd this late in March), so we opted to cuddle on the couch, have a few drinks and catch some netflix shows. We’ve closed the majority of our dates in this way and it’s just become somewhat assumed that all roads lead “cuddlesville”.

Which pause. Tangent here…if this were the ONLY activity we were doing, this wouldn’t fly, but since we do are actually having legitimate dates, it works well in that context.

I’ll admit, even though I’ve become quite the ice queen in these past few months, I do genuinely enjoy cuddling with Babyface. He’s very warm, comfortable and gentle (and he smells like heaven). He’s really come full circle. I feel like I’m being swaddled when I’m in his arms, which does wonders for my anxiety (which has been all over the place lately) and almost always puts me to straight sleep (no further assembly required). Whenever we sleep together (and I do mean ACTUAL sleep), he does this all night, which has worked wonders for my fragmented sleeping habits…much better than any sleeping pill. He does all of this and I can still completely approach the situation without a great deal of emotional attachment or expectation.

Anyway, I snoozed for a bit before he suggested that we go to bed, since by this point it was almost 4 a.m. Of course, once upstairs, the disruption of moving and waking up enough to walk upstairs shook our sleepies off and one thing lead to another and…

I’ve also started to notice that he’s become much more attentive in the bedroom. He takes his time a little more now to make sure we’re “in sync”. I also like that he’s not religiously routine. He mixes it up. One thing that’s sort of freaked me out every time we’re intimate is eye contact. I either heard or read somewhere on one of ya’ll’s blogs up here that eye contact during “the deed” is super intimate and should ONLY be “reserved” for “bae” or at least someone you’re in some sort of commitment with. I mean obviously yes, with my ex this was normal and I thought nothing of it…but with Babyface it weirds me out just a bit and I often try to break our gazes or avert my eyes away from his. I’ll look up at the ceiling, across the room, maybe at his ear…? I don’t know.  I don’t mind this little staring game of sorts any OTHER time, but too much runs through my mind otherwise. Maybe I’m weird or I have every genuine right to fear that he’s going to snatch my soul one of these days. Ha, I’m also fearful that I’ll make some odd or off putting facial expression that he’ll take personally as we continue to explore different avenues. I will say this has helped him identify at least one thing I don’t like…but I’m trying to do a little better about communicating 🙂 .

I woke up the following morning by him asking if he could bring me a glass of water and without even thinking about it, I thanked him for the thought. As I laid there waiting for him to come back upstairs, I realized that he’s definitely a guest in my house and I definitely just had a guest host me better in my own house than I’ve hosted the guest. I’m really terrible about this!

We spent hours (as we usually do) laying around in bed and talking before parting ways and starting our days–separately. Always separately. I like that we have our separate lives, errands, priorities, etc.

Per usual, we’ve stayed in touch this week concerning the trivial details of our day to day lives via text. This has been ongoing for weeks (months?) now. While it bothered me for a bit that our conversations are not super live and active (meaning we’re not often in an “active” back and forth conversation, there are gaps between our replies), I essentially checked myself, built a bridge and got over it. Aside from him voluntarily explaining that he’s often building things at work (he works as a manager at a contracting company that does residential and business renovations) and sets his phone down on a counter most of the day (as not to lose it or break it while he’s being epic and awesome), I just decided that I didn’t care. All that I ask for is consistency and if consistency with him right now is even responding at all (which he has), that’s all that I ask and in return, I can do the same. That’s about the extent of commitment I think I can handle right now. I’m more after consistency than anything.

I don’t know. It’s like I want something casual, but a little more formal than just the physical…kind of what we have now..but also, sort of an understanding or reassurance rather that, that’ll continue would be great? I know that’s a completely contradictory statement, but I’m a complex person..

To add complexity to this already shitshow of a long blog entry, I’m heading out after work to spend the weekend with blast from the past. To make an incredibly long story short, we lost touch while I was in my last relationship.I’ve sort of been indirectly dodging him these last few months ever since he found out I spent the day with my ex in his city without bothering to tell him I was in town or in a relationship (oops). I know, I know, I know, I’m a terrible person. I’m going to go and try to be a better friend now. Byeeeeee!







  1. L. Rorschach · March 31, 2018

    What you have with babyface sounds quite lovely, actually.

    Liked by 1 person

    • jazzedout · March 31, 2018

      It has been fun so far. I want consistency, but I’m not ready for a committed relationship. I’m still a mess

      Liked by 1 person

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