A Second Goodbye?

Apparently the theme of the moment is “endings” and in keeping with that theme, I had an interesting conversation with blast from the past yesterday on my way home from work.

Admittedly, I’m still a tad bummed out that our goodbye was fairly condensed and we actually had an open discussion about it, which is rare for us, because that was always an issue when we dated. He reminds me of BF with his emotions, but has definitely (over the years) been deeply vulnerable (which means a lot).

I told him how I felt short changed with our “goodbye”, because realistically, he’s moving across the country in about three weeks, which makes it that much more difficult to visit. I don’t have the kind of disposable income to just buy plane tickets like that (like he does). This is no longer a three hour drive, this is plane tickets and time off of work, distance and with him basically not being around on weekends up until his move, that’s it. That’s all she wrote. I can’t even see him before he moves because it’s a bad time of year to take time off of work (during the week–since that’s the only time he’ll be around). He surprisingly actually listened to me, sincerely apologized and kept reassuring me that this wasn’t “goodbye forever”. He explained how he felt that with the amount of history we have, he wanted to tell me the news in person–which is sweet and I get, but the timing just ended up not syncing properly and we had our goodbye in a sports sports bar, after two luke warm beers.

Our conversation lightened up shortly after as he went on to tell me how moving preparations are going. Being that this is now his…fourth move (third long distance move) since I’ve known him, he’s still managed to be a bit scatterbrained when it comes to planning out the finer details. He told me he hasn’t been able to sell his (current) condo and hasn’t quite decided on a place to live when he arrives in Denver and whether or not he wants to live in downtown or out a ways and try to actually buy a house this time (for the additional space). He mentioned changing his mind about shipping his Camaro and instead decided he would just make the 24+ hr drive and asked if I wanted to join him on the “adventure”.

You’re welcome to come with. I could use some company 🙂

The proposition at first seemed inciting…what I wouldn’t give to just leave this place for a few days and get away from everything…cross country trip in the SS, nothing but sunshine and fun times…but the entire trip would have to be rushed due to him only allowing himself a weekend to get there. I would then have to be back to work promptly that Monday morning at 6 a.m. for a mandatory work event, so it seems that the stars won’t be aligning on this one. I’d literally have to leave as soon as we got there.

He then presented me with Option C…which is him basically leaving all of his shit here and just flying out there to start work and coming back to get his shit once he’s made a decision on where he’s actually living? He’d probably be a little less rushed at that point, I would imagine.

I never promised joining him on any trip, whether it’ in two weeks or two months, but did give him my word that I would *try* to monitor airline ticket prices for late summer/early fall and *see* if the expense would fit into my budget, which is tight at the moment (I’m saving to buy a house).

I have mixed emotions about this entire situation and not the good kind. I hate that my emotions don’t stop at my genuine happiness for him (because I AM happy for him)–no, they had to roll down the complex hill, into emotional valley. I think part of my emotional complex about all of this is that I feel guilty for basically not making more of an effort to “visit” over the past year because I took it for granted that he was a couple hours down the road…but visits work in both ways and he didn’t necessarily make that much of an effort either…

In any situation, I can say that he sincerely does care about me as a person and cares deeply about our friendship. That I DO know, regardless of  how silly he’s been.

I have no idea how all of this is going to go, but fact of the matter is, it’s happening and I’ve got to mentally accept it. If our friendship is strong enough, we’ll keep it going, I guess.