2019 will be over in a few minutes and I never made time to reflect on the decade or year. Will do so soon. Happy New Year!
A few days ago, I learned of the death of my boyfriend’s stepfather. He really never referred to the man as his “stepfather”, but his mom’s husband or simply by his first name. It’s fairly obvious to me that they were never close and maybe were never going to be.
Anyway, the news was particularly shocking because it was sudden and unexpected. Apparently it happened while they were out of the country on vacation late last week. I remember chatting with his mom just last month about how excited she was for the upcoming island getaway. From the sound of things, it seemed like his heart just gave out (he was an older gentleman).
While dying of a heart attack is unfortunate, the news hit me like a ton of bricks as I immediately thought about his mom and what she might be going through right now. I feel absolutely terrible for her. Losing your spouse is devastating, especially during a vacation, which is supposed to be happy and relaxing.
I spent much of the other day in a funk as I thought about how much she must be hurting right now and how she probably feels really lost and so overcome with emotion that she’s unable to process everything going on around her. Not only does she have to make funeral arrangements, but she also has to make arrangements to have her husband transported back home. I would be inconsolable.
I never spent much time with her late husband (I’ve seen him maybe 3 times total), but he seemed like a nice guy and I could tell that he made my boyfriend’s mom extremely happy. It seemed like they were a were so in love and lived a very fulfilling life together (even if it wasn’t a long one). To my understanding, they just got married at the end of last year and dated a few years prior to that.
My heart is broken for his mom. To make matters worse, I believe her birthday is later on this week and then come “the holidays”. Those tend to be the roughest times of the year for those who are grieving. I want to give her all of the love in the world, but I’m not quite sure how to without overstepping.
Aside from being alerted of the news via text (I believe his mom may have contacted him from a place with limited reception), The Teacher hasn’t spoken directly to his mother, but I’m sure they’ll be in touch soon once she arrives home.
This entire situation also put a lot things into perspective for me regarding my relationship with the Teacher. He’s never been one (or at least since I’ve known him) to take his health 100% seriously. He’s the kind of guy that rarely goes to the doctor (even if he’s really sick). I believe the last time he’s been to an actual doctor was when he broke his leg several years ago while in the military and hasn’t even regularly been back for follow-ups despite having to have actual metal placed in his leg. I often kind of laugh off his refusals to go, but now more than ever, I need him to go. We’re both in our 30s now and if we’re talking about marriage, I’d like to have as long and healthy of a marriage as I can.
I’ve never been one to like going to the doctor, but as I get older, I like to be more proactive about my health. A lot of things can be managed or even prevented by simply going to the doctor. Hopefully in time, I can convenience the Teacher to take his health seriously enough to go as well.
Yesterday, post some fun activities, The Teacher (as he’s been doing for a few weeks now) playfully removed my ring from my right ring finger. He jokingly pretended he was going to throw it across the room or intentionally lose it. My response to this silliness has simply been:
If you lose it, just make sure to buy me another one.
Except this time, he didn’t just hand it back.
You seem to really like this ring. Is that what you want? Another ring for Christmas?
At this point in the conversation, I wasn’t entirely sure what definition of “ring” he was really referring to. His tone seemed to be a bit more serious than previously, so was he referring to THE ring?
I nervously laughed and just said,
sure–I’d like a ring for Christmas, if that’s what you feel like buying.
He smiled and agreed to add it to his mental Christmas list for me, but then continued on to say:
…But I was planning on giving you ANOTHER type of ring around our anniversary.
I remember turning over slightly to look him in the eyes to see if hew as serious (I was previously laying my head on his chest).
Oh? Is that so? And just what TYPE of ring?
He smiled and went into this explanation on how he had been planning on giving me a ring (THE ring) a few months from now because it will mark our 2 year anniversary and what better way to celebrate our commitment to one another and to move to the next level in our relationship than to get engaged.
I was admittedly a bit taken aback and apologized if I spoiled what I assumed was something he wanted to be a surprise. He claimed that the “act/event” of giving me the ring itself would still be a “surprise”, but that he wanted to inform me several months in advance because he wanted to know my ring preferences. Admittedly, outside of the fashion rings I occasionally wear, I’ve really never thought about it and I’ve especially not discussed my ring preferences with him at any point.
I’m both shocked and relieved, if that’s even possible. Lately, I’ve had a bit of the marriage mouse nipping at me and reminding me how everyone and their brother has been getting married and having babies and I’m not getting any younger (social media is to blame for that). Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy with the state of my current relationship, but sometimes an overload of those life events can get in your head. I’ve very recently (maybe in the past few weeks) started to think about what it would be like to be married to The Teacher and now I realistically get to put real thought into it. Like, will I change my last name? Where would we get married? Who would we invite? I’m almost afraid to get excited about it, so maybe I’ll pull back on all of that for right now.
I’m also surprised that he just flat out told me that he plans to propose specifically “around” our anniversary…which is in four months! The anticipation of that moment is now going to eat away at me for the next few months. I also feel kind of weird picking out a ring (though I appreciate him considering my opinion, since he said, “you’re the one that will be wearing it after all” ). How do I even do that? Do we do that together? Do I go alone to a store? Do I just google images online and text/email them to him? Are pre-proposals even a thing? Do couples sort of alert one another that they plan to propose, but a few weeks or months down the road? Granted, we’ve discussed that we both believe in marriage and that we’d hypothetically like to be married (someday), but until last night, nothing was ever explicitly said about the specifics.
All I know is, I at least have some heads up about it and can plan accordingly–i.e. I can make sure I don’t look a raggedy mess when the time comes and I can make sure to have my nails done. Will I still be shocked though? I suppose I’d be shocked regardless.
I can’t believe it’s been six months since I last blogged! I guess life just got away from me these past few months and I didn’t make it a point to slow down and update it.
For the most part, life has been good. There have been several changes and additions to my life that I feel very comfortable with.
Home Sweet Home
Living with The Teacher, has been amazing so far and we’ve managed to compromise and create routines to keep us both happy and engaged in the experience of sharing a home. For example, we make it a point to have dinner together every night unless one of us is out of town. Regardless of how busy or tired we are, we always sit down over dinner to spend time together. We also make a point to have at least one formal date night (in the sense that we’re specifically going out or staying in with the purpose of spending dedicated and uninterrupted time together)
We have also done well with tending to our “alone time” for hobbies and decompression. With The Teacher, his “alone time” is usually spent playing video/computer games, reading and grading, while mine has been binge watching shows that I know he has no interest in, taking walks and on very rare occasions, writing.
We’ve definitely grown a lot as a couple over the past six months and I look forward to growth continuing.
After months…well, YEARS of living in fear of being stranded during my long-ish commutes, I finally bought a new (to me) suv It’s a Candy Apple Red 2017 RAV4 SE with black leather seats and a sunroof. It’s been a pretty fun suv so far and I’ve wanted one for a few years now. I purchased the RAV4 on somewhat of an impulse on a random Monday I took off from work for rest and relaxation. I had been casually researching suvs online and came across the RAV4 in my search. It was reasonably priced and had all the features I was looking for, so I drove 45 minutes out of town to test drive it and ended up buying it. I initially told no one that I bought it until I pulled into the driveway to surprise The Teacher with the news later that afternoon. He was quite surprised, especially since he had been nagging me to buy a new car over the past year.
I’ve had some ups and downs over the last few months mental health wise, but I’ve started to pay more attention to my triggers and have found healthier ways to distress (like reading, writing, walking, resting). For instance, I’ve made it a point to take at least 2-3 days off per calendar month and so far, I’ve done well with that promise to myself, which has given me some much needed mental breaks from the chaos that is my job. I try to make it a point to have at least one of the 2-3 days spent doing very little planned activities. I’ve primarily tried to make it a point to stay at home and relax when I can.
My sexual health has been a tad bit better lately as I think my hormones night be trying to settle down (fingers crossed). I still find myself spotting more than I’d like (which is annoying), having the occasional and unexplained mood swings, cramps and occasional breakouts, but I’ve learned to live with them and have adjusted some of my self care routines to address some of the side effects. The peace of mind knowing that the probability of an unplanned pregnancy is highly unlikely, seems to set me straight whenever I get discouraged by the side effects (especially because we weren’t being careful early on). I will say that it worries me a bit that when it comes time to remove the implant (in a little over two years), will I struggle to conceive (should I want to), because I’ll have hit the age of being considered a “geriatric pregnancy” and complications will ensue.
Bonding and Family Acceptance
Over the past six months, I’ve been able to spend more time with getting to know the Teacher’s family. I’ve grown to really like them and from what I can tell, they seem to enjoy my company as well, which is a relief. About a year ago, I was nervously on my way to meet his father for the first time and now we’re on a first name basis. About two weeks ago, we spent the weekend with his mom and I really got to spend a lot of one on one time with her, which was lovely.
The Teacher has also spent more time with my parents and even came with me to a mini family reunion on my mom’s side of the family around The 4th of July. My family was very welcoming to him and he seemed to genuinely have a great time. I know meeting someone’s extended family can be particularly scary, because you really have no way of knowing (or controlling) how they’ll feel about you.
Lately, we’ve been invited to or involved with numerous milestones from friends. Weddings, Bachelor/Bachelorette Showers, Baby Showers, Engagement Parties, etc. For each milestone, it sort of makes me wonder what reaching those milestones might be like or if it’s too soon for me to even consider thinking about them. There was a time where I couldn’t realistically envision any of those things happening to me, but now they seem somewhat attainable.
Recently, The Teacher has shown a heightened interest in a ring that I wear infrequently on my right ring finger. The ring is silver and a bit on the plain side. Each time I wear it, he’ll comment on it, remove it from my hand and examine it closely. Sometimes he’ll playfully toss it around, which has made me warn him not to lose it. His response, “Well, I’ll buy you (another) one”. Perhaps I’m reading too much into this, but he rarely shows interest in the other jewelry I wear–even pieces that he’s given me. This also isn’t the first time I’ve worn rings, I’ve worn them here and there since we’ve been together.
Update : My speculations were true! Last night, The Teacher told me that he plans to give me “another kind of ring” around our anniversary (in four months). His reasoning? He says the two year mark seems like the perfect time. He also said he wasn’t really going to keep his plans a surprise much longer because he needs my help on selecting the right ring 💍 .
Welp, hopefully I do a little better about blogging and less time stuck in la-la land.
I’ve been fairly neglectful in writing lately. Part of it has been due to being legitimately busy and the other part is just due to my inability to organize my thoughts enough to get them on the page. Whenever I’m frantic or anxious, this becomes the most difficult task.
The last couple of weeks (months?) have been wonderful. I turned 33 (last month) and despite The teacher being out-of-town on business, I managed to bring it in with a bang with my crew.
My birthday seems to always be an excuse to completely let loose. While I really missed the teacher on my big day (he had flowers delivered to my job on the day of, I guess as a way to ‘make it up to me’), I would be lying if I didn’t say it was somewhat freeing to be out with my friends without having to worry about how late it was getting, how crowded wherever we ventured off to was, etc. I love The teacher with all of my heart and soul (I really do), but he occasionally gets anxious around larger groups of my friends, even though he’s met them all several times and they all openly love him too. I can understand his anxiety, as I often don’t like to surround myself with large groups of people I either know through someone or people who I don’t know very well to begin with, but at times trying to find the balance in catering to his needs, my own needs and my friend’s needs can be tricky. I’ve tried to be respectful of this whenever we do go out, but at times, I feel like I have to “clock watch” (which he usually assures me that I don’t even though I know very deep down he’s freaking out and is trying to be nice, which I appreciate, but he doesn’t have to do). I then feel bad for my friends, because I haven’t been as “present” with things these past few weeks and I’ve always said I wasn’t going to be that person. More on this later though…
One of the things occupying the majority of my attention and energy has been house hunting (renting). Several months ago, the teacher and I decided that we were at that point of our relationship where we were ready to move in together. Of course, neither one of us was over the moon with our current dwellings, so we figured we’d even the playing field and find a new place together.
I’ll admit, when we had that initial conversation over a romantic dinner, I wasn’t quite sure how this was going to go…Not the actual living together piece, but getting to the point of actually finding a place in our time frame (which has shifted up to an earlier date since the initial conversation). The real estate market here is brutal, even for rentals. Here today, gone tomorrow. Sometimes in even hours! It doesn’t leave much room for lingering around on a decision and the Teacher and I both have a bad habit of over thinking and being indecisive.
For starters, we never really had a transparent and open decision about our specific needs or preferences in a house. We both have this really bad habit of people pleasing and compromising in order to not be “selfish”, but what this mentality does when it comes to something as serious as the roof over your head it starts to make you feel like you’re settling for something you may or may be happy with in the long-term and it builds up resentment that will eventually come out in perhaps not the most appropriate or tactful way. Don’t get me wrong, we spoke about basic preferences (price, number of beds/baths, yard space, one-mult story, etc), but we never emphasized more meaningful needs such a work commutes, proximity to POIs, room size (as in, what we planned do with any additional rooms that were not our bedroom) and so on. We ended having an open discussion about it one night and we’ve worked better as a team ever since.
Another thing we kind of messed up on was not legitimately starting the search until maybe the middle of last month and even then the Teacher was somewhat hesitant because he felt like we were “looking too early” for a late April/early May move in (which I get), but the more we looked, the more we noticed how quickly things were going and this became frustrating. We were also “off task” fairly frequently. A few weeks ago, we planned to sit down TOGETHER to look up homes online and after an hour of semi-serious looking, we decided that we were more interested in each other than researching homes. We obviously didn’t decide on any homes that evening.
A week or more passed and we continued to search, but separately by sharing home postings through various home shopping apps/websites. What about this one, how about that one? We probably exchanged over ten emails to one another everyday just on houses. I also tried to make more of an effort to reassure him that it was perfectly ok if he didn’t like a house and that it wouldn’t be the end of the world if we skipped over it.
And then there were all of the back and forth emails with the owners/management companies with follow-up questions they failed to disclose in their listings and the possibility of showing the home during a time that was convenient to BOTH of our schedules.
Another week passed and he took my reassurance a little too literally and started being ridiculously nitpicky (which hey, if you’re going to live somewhere, you should like it, right?), but almost to point of not keeping an open mind and considering our looming deadline. This actually agitated me to the point of addressing it once he asked to cancel a showing of a home we had agreed to tour HOURS before we were due to meet with the owner (I think this was our very first “argument”, even though there was no yelling and we mostly came to an agreement via text message).
It got to a point where I stopped aggressively looking for a few days and allowed him to just send me things that he liked. I turned off all of the house hunting notifications on my phone and unsubscribed from the daily email updates. I wanted him to see how hard and time-consuming house hunting can actually be when you’re putting in actual TIME and ENERGY to do it (Yes, I need to work on not being passive). I think he got the message.
Finally, two weeks ago we had an appointment for a home viewing for a home that we both mostly liked. The teacher wasn’t crazy about the commute (the home was about 7 minutes from my apartment, which meant an additional 10 minute commute for him), but he managed to keep an open mind about it all as we toured. Seeing the place in person and walking around from room to room discussing (hypothetically) how we would use that space was surreal. After the tour, we took the weekend to openly and transparently discuss our options and decided to apply for the home and we GOT IT. WE GOT THE HOUSE.
To say I’m excited is an understatement. Knowing that we’ve found a place to live with about two weeks to spare in our deadline takes a huge weight off of my shoulders. We took another tour of the house the last week we dropped off our deposit and knowing that this time we were ACTUALLY going to be living there meant so much more.
It’s now crunch time as we start preparations to move! There’s so much to do and the month is already flying. Because the Teacher’s lease ends about two months before mine, he’s going to formally move first (at the end of this month) and I’ll move some things of mine that we’ll both need in the interim (washer and dryer, a mattress my family is giving us, a t.v. for our living room, some kitchen items, etc). I plan to formally move all of my things by the end of May/first week of June, giving me about three weeks to clean up my old place before I turn in my keys.
All in all I’m very excited, but I know we still have a lot to do. I also know we’re both going to have to work on being more transparent and timely in communicating our preferences (when necessary) and compromising on things that don’t always need to go our way (he told me he didn’t like the toilet paper I buy, I told him I didn’t like stepping out of his shower without there being bathmats on the floor–who raised you???).
We don’t tend to have this issue very often now, but then again we’ve never lived together either. A lot of our minor stumbles and misunderstandings so far have just come from neither one of us having experience living with a significant other or simply not being all that transparent in preferences. Sure, we’ve both lived with friends, roommates and family, but never with a love interest. This will definitely be an adventure for the both of us.
Some months back, I had a failed IUD experience that really traumatized me to the point of avoiding contraceptives in general. I shared my concerns with my boyfriend and he was extremely supportive and understanding of my decision.
Of course, several more weeks flew by and some of the hesitation of it stared to fade and we started discussing being more “careful” in general. In speaking to my Gynecologist, she suggested Nexplanon, which is an form of BC implanted in your arm. I admit I probably didn’t do as “deep of a dive” as I probably should have when considering this method. I just knew it was 99% effective. My main concern was the cost, which at the time of my consideration, would have been $350 after insurance .
In speaking back to my Gynecologist via email (I actually go a Gynecology clinic that is housed under the umbrella of the hospital I work for and we have an app where you can communicate with your healthcare provider), she informed me that if I waited until 2019 to get the implant, it would be 100% free due to some coverage changes with my plan regarding contraception. Free.99 is always a win in my books!
In the meantime, I still felt a bit funny about not being as safe as we needed to be, so I spoke to my Gynecologist once more, who suggested going on a combination BC pill until I had the procedure done.
I’ll admit, going on “the pill” was absolutely the last thing I wanted to do when I started, but mostly because I had heard of all of the unpleasant side effects. I started taking it in late October (it was suggested I take it the first Sunday of my period–I guess for tracking purposes) and concluded my last pack in early January. During my time on the pill I experienced:
- Extreme mood swings (even outside of “that time of the month”)
- Frequent headaches and migraines
- Constant fatigue
- Increased depression and anxiety (I have already been diagnosed and take medication for it, but i felt worse while on the pill)
- Frequent Agitation
- Some weight gain (despite not changing my diet or exercise routine).
- Breakouts (in the beginning)
- Decreased libido
Some more positive side effects that I experienced were:
- Regulated periods (my periods have always mostly been constant, but the pill made them a bit shorter and easier to count on a calendar–prior to taking any BC at all , I tracked my periods with the app Flo. I still use the app to this day just to log symptoms I’m feeling and to keep track of the length of symptoms).
- Lighter cramps during my period
- Forced me to get up at a decent time every single day since the pill strongly suggests taking it at the same time everyday.
All in all, taking the pill wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, it was just inconvenient as hell and I felt like I was in a constant state of agitation. Like, constant. There’d be the rare occasions where I would take the pill later than intended and a handful of times where I left the pack at my boyfriend’s place (oops).
When the new year finally rolled around, I was excited to be just days away from getting the implant. Goodbye pill, hello convenient stick it in and go BC!
The appointment for the implant was mostly standard. My vitals were taken, my doctor explained some of the risks with the implant and asked me to sign a consent form to proceed with the procedure. Easy! I laid on the examination table, she gave me a numbing shot in my arm (which stung a bit at first), then she asked me to turn my head and a minute later she was finished inserting the implant in my arm. It couldn’t have gone more smoothly. I excepted there to be some huge complication like I had with the IUD.
Before I left the room, she explained that there may be some swelling, bruising and minor pain in my arm over the next week or so. She suggested I keep the compression band aid wrapped around the incision spot for at least two days and also suggested that I finish the last week of my BC pills. Again, she mentioned possible side effects, but the only two that really stood out were: irregular periods and spotting. Gross. She closed with the reassuring statement of, not every woman experiences this.
Several hours later the numbness of my arm wore off and I started feeling throbbing pain. It felt uncomfortable to naturally allow my arm to rest or dangle freely, so I propped a pillow under my arm (my left arm) for support. That and some ibuprofen seemed to help. The pain seemed to continue through the weekend, but faded by the start of the following week.
By mid week, the pain had mostly gone away, but my arm was a bit bruised, tender and felt funny if I moved it around too much or too quickly. I had also finished taking my pills mid week and with completing the “pack” brought on what I thought was my period…but this was not my period, oh no. This was “spotting“. This lasted for about a week and grew a bit heavier each day until my actual period started and came in with terrible cramps.
Now, I’ve always experienced painful cramps, but these were different. No amount of OTC pain medicine seemed to eliminate them (and I was taking the max amount each day) and they lasted the duration of my period (as opposed to the first 1-2 days like they normally do). And speaking of my period, it lasted a whopping 11 days. Granted, the flow wasn’t as heavy as normal, but it was consistent enough to be annoying. It was also annoying because I had no indication of when it would end. Once Ms. Flow made her departure, the spotting returned for another week and a half! Omg.
All throughout the messy red wave, I experienced a tension or cluster headache and sometimes a migraine just about daily. I’d wake up with one, it would linger throughout the day, I’d go to bed with one and start the entire cycle all over again. I was fatigue to the point of barely having energy to do simple household chores or even focus on basic tasks at work, and just didn’t feel “well” in general. While my mood was mostly stable during this time, the severe cramping, frequent bleeding, headaches and extreme exhaustion were kicking my ass. After about three weeks of this, I addressed it with my doctor, who basically told me to pop some ibuprofen and “ride it out” for 3 more months because apparently it takes your body time to “adjust”.
I read up on the experiences of many women who had gotten the implant and I’d say about 85% of them experienced the same symptoms and they did not go away for whatever duration of time past 3 months that they choose to keep the implant “installed”. Some women who kept the implant in for the entire 3 years claimed that none of this ever went away. That was super encouraging news. Greatttt.
My period and any lingering spotting finally went away (at least temporarily) maybe the last day or so of January and has “stayed away” ever since (according to flo, my period is almost over a week late). I’ve read that, that doesn’t mean those symptoms aren’t coming back and they could come back unexpectedly and for longer periods of time. There is literally no way to know when or if they’re coming back. All I can do is stay prepared. I hope I’m one of those lucky few women that either stop having periods or have them with longer time in between.
I’ve only had the implant now for a month and a half. These are the side effects I’ve experienced so far:
- Frequent headaches and migraines
- Longer than usual period
- Elevated blood pressure (which I’ve had to now address with my Primary Care Physician)
- Minor and infrequent arm tenderness (near the implant site)
One positive outcome from the implant has been the freedom of not having to remember to take a pill every, single day at the same damn time. It’s in and to my knowledge, it’s working as directed–I’m 99% sure I am not pregnant dispute my period being “late” since the algorithm of flo has no way of knowing my body is literally in a tailspin right now and my entire cycle has been thrown off.
As the my doctor suggested, I’ll assess how I feel after the 3 month mark. If the symptoms have “settled” or “stabilized” , I’ll continue on and keep it on a bit longer, otherwise, I may consider having it removed and going back to the drawing board.
This past Sunday was our (first) dating anniversary. I can’t believe it’s been a whole year since our first nervous and shaky first date. At the time, I wasn’t sure if he was nervous or just shy in general, but since that first date, we’ve had many conversations about it and he was most definitely very nervous. Fast forward to a year later and we’ve had some amazing times together.
We decided to celebrate the dating anniversary, because it was a milestone for both of us, but also just an excuse to do cheesy and romantic things together (though, I don’t think either one of us needs a specific reason).
Sunday morning, we woke up around mid-morning because the teacher had some special event “planned” that was also a “surprise”. He referenced this surprise the other day when he asked if I had any specific phobias outside of snakes and spiders (which he knew) and when I told him I didn’t and asked why he was curious, he just left me with, “It’s a surprise that’s part of our anniversary plans”.
The entire ride to the “surprise” I kept wondering what it could be. The Teacher is not typically a mysterious person or even a “plan in advance” person. He’s always been mostly transparent and “fly by the seat of his pants”.
Anyway, we pulled up to the venue, which happened to be a local arena where many sporting events, concerts, shows, etc take place throughout the year. As we pulled into the line of cars trying to enter into the parking lot, I asked him if we were there for a sporting event (hockey or basketball). He laughed, parked, and walked me towards the entrance of the arena. There were swarms of people, but literally no advertisements of the event until after we got through security and then we saw:
No way! I had always wanted to go to a show, but never got around to it! I was definitely pleasantly surprised. The show (as I assumed) was wildly colorful and imaginative. It held my attention the entire time (which now a days seems difficult to do).
Post surprise show, we stopped at our first date spot, which was a local brewery not far from the arena. Like the year before, it was drizzling quite a bit and was a little chilly, but this time we didn’t have to stumble through all of the “get to know you” questions. We laughed as we recalled certain things we talked about, how crowded the brewery the year before and how amazing it was to return as a happy couple.
After a few quick beers, we traveled to another “early on” date spot just down the street. We visited this Mediterranean spot last spring (April, maybe?) after taking a stroll through a beautiful garden right around the corner. Again, it was nice to return to the restaurant and the food was still just as yummy as I remembered.
After dinner, we went back to his place to exchange anniversary gifts (we exchanged lists of gift ideas because he is a list person). As we entered his apartment, I felt a rush of anxiousness and fear. No, not over the gift I was giving him (a fancy watch he could wear when he wears suits), but what I wrote in his anniversary card! In a nutshell, I wrote some sentimental ramble about how much fun we’ve had in getting to know each other and closed it with, “I love you”.
Yes. I wrote in this card, “I love you”. Mind you, we hadn’t verbally said this to one another by this point, so writing that in a card was potentially risky! I’ve basically felt this way for a few months and felt that our 1 year anniversary was appropriate to just let it out. I thought long and hard before writing that message and genuinely felt in my heart that he felt the same way (he had pretty much been talking around it for months and his actions communicated it as well), but perhaps he was just as afraid as I was to say it?
Well, we read our cards at the same time (silently), sitting side by side on his couch. Upon opening his card, I noticed he had actually filled up the entire inside portion of the card with his “letter”. The Teacher almost never writes anything in cards and the past few cards that he’s given to friends or family were cards that I bought and insisted that he sign (he would just sign his first name). I’ve always been a sentimental person and appreciate writing people notes and receiving notes in return. I never took offense to this and assumed he wasn’t a card person (even though my primary “love language” is affirmation)
I read through his note, which mirrored mine about all the fun we’ve had. He also mentioned that our relationship had been his most serious relationship to date, how he enjoys regularly waking up next to me (even though I steal his covers) and last but not least, he closed it with a statement about how he had been holding in something for a while that he finally needed to let out: “I love you”.
No way. We both chose the same way to communicate our love of the other. How crazy is that? I imagine (like me), he was also very nervous to write that, but also relieved when he saw I felt the same way too. There was definitely a collective sigh of relief after reading each other’s cards. It felt like this tremendous weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve had to forcibly refrain from saying it!
The anniversary day went well and was a lot of fun, but my favorite part of the day was reading his card. Knowing that you’re genuinely loved by the person you love is indescribable.
Life has been relatively great lately. I’m finally getting over the plague I dealt with basically the entire month of January. Slowly, but surely.
Work has been (at times) a bit chaotic, but I’m starting to notice the chaos is basically coming from leadership never being proactive and always being REactive to situations. It drives me insane, because I’ve always prided myself on thinking about all possible outcomes as I navigate any situation (especially work related). Reacting to every little thing dramatically sends bad vibes throughout the office. Lately, it’s been triggering my anxiety a bit, but I’ve tried to do a little better in this new year about setting “boundaries”.
I’ve decided that:
- I refuse to work OT unless it’s absolutely necessary – this does not make me a bad employee, especially if I manage my time well (which I do)
- I refuse to volunteer for everything
- I’m taking more of a leadership role on projects and various other opportunities to showcase my skill set
- Instead of doing someone’s job for them, I’m instructing them on how to execute a task and wishing them well–this is huge for me, because I’ve spent the last few years almost taking on aspects of everyone else’s job
- I refuse to be “available around the clock”, especially on PTO days. I am allowed to have a life outside of work and I plan to do just that.
- Speaking of PTO, I am setting myself a goal of taking 2 days off a month, with at least 1 true “vacation” (The Teacher and I are planning a vacation in April for a few days).
Speaking of the Teacher, things are continuing to go well with us. He still continues to be the sweetest and most loving person ever. It’s been hard for me to truly trust people and let my walls down, but he’s been extremely patient, supportive and loving, so my walls are just about gone. I feel very comfortable talking to him and being myself even if that means I’m dealing with depression or anxiety and he’s a lot more open about his own struggles with depression and anxiety as well. I think sharing those struggles with depression and anxiety has really helped us bond that much more over these last couple of months. Having the emotional support of your significant other is such a wonderful feeling and having them understand what you’re going through on an emotional level is invaluable.
Speaking of months, we’re coming up on our 1 year dating anniversary. In less than a week! Dating anniversary (not relationship anniversary). It’s hard to believe an entire year has flown by so quickly. I’m not entirely happy with myself for being kind of coy and stupid at first with the Teacher, but I think keeping an emotional distance, really thinking about our connection (and maybe what i wanted) and taking our time to get to know one another has really built a strong foundation for our relationship and has actually added true meaning and purpose to it. Anyway, we’ve been talking about celebrating the anniversary, which is the same week of Vday (ours is on Sunday). We’ve decided to do something “big deal” on the day of (he suggested going to the brewery where we had our first date and then going out somewhere “nice” from there) and then having a relaxing night IN for Vday, with takeout/ or making dinner and cuddles. I have a feeling that he’s probably buying a lot of shit for both the anniversary and Vday. I’m not entirely crazy about people spending lots of money on me. He spent quite a bit of money on me for Christmas. Like, tons (granted, i spent a lot on him too, but that’s different 😉). Not only did he get the 3 reasonably priced items I asked for, he got me tons of other things too. He asked what my work address was today 👀. Either he plans on doing a B&E or maybe sending flowers or something? I’ve never received flowers at work actually, that’d be cool, but absurdly expensive 🤦🏽♀️.
Another thing we discussed last week was moving in together. This has vaguely crossed my mind a few times over the past month or so, but he brought it up over dinner last weekend in conversation and suggested we start looking for places since our leases are both up in July. That’s a huge step in a relationship, but one I think we’re both ready for. I also think it will save both of us money, as we’d be splitting rent as opposed to paying two separate rents and commuting back and forth to each other’s places (we live about 15 minutes worth of a highway trip away from one another).
Speaking of relationship stages, I spoke to my ex briefly this afternoon. Our conversation started with him updating me on how his family (who lives up north where the temps have been -48 or some shit this week) was doing. The conversation somehow then went left and he spent an hour talking about all of these failed relationships and dating experiences he’s had since we broke up.
Part of me felt sorry for him (because he is a good person), but in speaking to him, I see a pattern of him crashing and burning when it comes to love. His idea of love doesn’t involve a great deal of logic. He acts mostly on infatuation. It’s like he’s not patient enough to let something grow organically, which is important in building something. It’s like he’s in love with the idea of love. Love doesn’t always happen at “first sight”. It’s not like the movies. It’s not always perfect and just because it isn’t perfect, doesn’t mean you need to throw in the towel so soon. I’ve definitely learned my lesson after going through a whirlwind romance with him. I hope to never do that shit ever again. It’s not healthy. And it took a lot for me to move past it and fully heal.
He told me about dating some girl a month after we broke up only for her to break his heart and dump him two days before his birthday and how he had to go to therapy to deal with “feeling lost”. He told me he “loved” this girl 🙄. I admitted to him I also had a similar experience when he and I broke up (which he’s long been aware of–except, I didn’t “love” him). He apologized for causing me pain, I accepted it and reminded him that I have no resentment towards him (which I don’t). Life lesson learned. He also admitted to regretting the way he ended things between us. TBH, I don’t care anymore. I’ve healed. I’m over it. I’m happy. When he asked how I was doing, I wrestled with being transparent about my own love life, but decided to be honest and let him know that I’ve been in a long-term relationship with a guy that makes me truly happy. He seemed genuinely happy for me, which is mature of him, because I guess that might have been a dick move of mine to tell him that, especially after he spent twenty minutes complaining about his own love life.
Oh well. Such is life.
Outside of that, I’m just coasting and trying to remind myself to practice more self-care this year. I’ve done just ok so far, but I can do better.
This is probably my first post of the New Year. Happy New Year!
The Holidays (for me, Christmas and New Years) all sort of blurred together in a beautifully chaotic way. I was successfully able to spend an equal amount of time with family, friends, The Teacher and myself (as in, having time away from everyone to just CHILL).
I brought in the new year somewhat quietly. I ended the year with a lovely dinner date sushi with The Teacher, some [retracted] 😉 , and a simple champagne toast & drinking/kissing at the stroke of midnight. While none of that may seem like that big of a deal, I’ve admittedly not had a “New Year’s kiss” in ages. It felt nice to have someone TO kiss at midnight.
You know, I don’t believe I brought in 2019 wearing actual pants now that I think about it…just my underoos.
Having a lowkey New Years set the tone for me in starting this new year. This is the year is about focusing my energy appropriately. I found that part of my reoccurring frustrations from 2018 came from overextending myself to the point of not leaving room or time for simple moments of self-reflection and relaxation. This seemed to be a constant theme throughout year (and a root of my unhappiness and stress) and one I’m trying to work on in this year. I need to take more time for ME. I’ve always found myself quick to say “yes” to everything for fear of being seen as a bad friend/girlfriend/daughter/employee/cousin/niece/etc , but I’ve come to the realization that’s it’s ok to say “no” and turn things down. It doesn’t make me a “bad” person, it makes me a wise person for realizing my need for rest and relaxation. A rested me is a much happier me.
Now, making commitments in advance and constantly backing out of them last-minute is not what I’m talking about here. That is what I consider to be flaky behavior and is most DEFINITELY an unfavorable quality in anyone, especially a friend. By saying “no”, this is typically an up front decisive and tactful “no“, not an “I changed my mind in the 11th hour”, or “I’m going to be wishy-washy for no particular reason”, “no”.
The New Year has also been gracious enough to also bless me with this sinus/virus non-sense from hell.
I woke up on New Year’s Day with my throat on fire and I’ve been considerably sick ever since. I rarely get legitimately sick enough to even reference it, but this virus has been going strong now for a solid 11 days. Eleven. Days. What started out as a “common cold” has now progressed into some serious respiratory issues and globs of yummy mucus (TMI, I know) and has beat me to a bloody pulp. My entire body is achy all day long, I’m constantly coughing up GOD knows what, I’m exhausted and I can’t regulate my body temperature to save my life (I go from burning up to freezing cold in minutes). I’m usually super woman and shrug off the “common cold” and go about my business, but I found myself literally cradled in The Teacher’s arms like a helpless baby this past Saturday, wrapped up like a little burrito, shivering uncontrollably and whining about not feeling “well”. I like to joke that he’s quite the baby when he’s sick (he was sick with a similar virus right before Christmas and is just now getting over it), but I’m going to go ahead and say I definitely took the cake this weekend with my performance. Lucky for me, The Teacher is just as much of a nurturer as he is a baby.
Outside of that, I’ve mostly been taking it easy and trying to set some realistic goals for this year. Yes, I’m one of those people who use the start of a new year as an automatic “reset”, because, what better time to “start fresh” than the start of a new year? There are loads of things I’d love to do to “better myself”, but to ensure that these goals are met, I’ve got to narrow them down a bit. Ideally, I want this to be the year that I finally get my finances in order. I’m making more money than I ever have, so it would be wise of me to adjust my budget in a way that allows me to save more money to build up my savings (which took quite the hit last year with unforeseen car repairs). There was a time I wanted to buy a house, but at this stage in my life, I don’t think that’s feasible. It just doesn’t make sense. The more I think about it, the more I realize I’m just not ready. It’s a huge responsibility and one that I’d prefer to tackle once I feel 100% secure in my finances–well secure in my finances and possibly something to do with a partner (because two incomes go further than one). For now, I’d just like to focus on paying off my car loan (only a few months to go), taking the money I WOULD be paying for my car and throwing it in savings, paying off/down credit cards, and student loans and doing better about sticking to my budget.
As for all of the other things I referenced…I’ll get to them… They’ll be present in my mind for now.
On NYE last year one of my best friends gifted me this candle. He told me to light it every time I had a sad memory from 2017. The idea was that by the time the candle burned down to the bottom of the glass, all of the pain I felt in the second half of the previous year would also dissipate. Ha, it didn’t quite work out this way for me. I believe I got to the bottom of the glass well before January was over (it was cheap, smelled nice and I had a lot of sadssss geez).
2018 has been both the longest and quickest year all at the same time. It has been draining and yet incredibly rewarding all at once. I know that makes no sense, but let me explain…
There have been so many ups and downs and stunning revelations. It’s hard to believe a year ago I was in a drunken stupor trying to piece together healing and moving forward. I managed to grow more in this one year than I have in maybe the past 2-3 combined and I am so very proud of myself.
I stepped out of my comfort zone quite frequently, which awarded me some of the most amazing experiences, introduced me to some of the most phenomenal people and reunited me with some of my favorite amigos.
I think some important themes for me this year have been:
- step outside of my comfort zone
- love and respect yourself first and foremost before expecting anyone to love you
- it’s ok to stumble, but learn to recover gracefully
- be the kind of friend, daughter, lover, co-worker that you’d want to have in return (to others)
- find a healthy and creative way to express yourself
- pay attention to people’s patterns. when someone shows you who they are, take note and adjust accordingly (even if that means letting them go)
- live life by the golden rule
- remove anyone or anything from your life that threatens your mental & emotional well being
- forgive, but do not forget. use every experience as a learning moment and reflect
- the past is the past for a reason, look forward
- never let an opportunity pass where you can remind the special people in your life how much they mean to you
- baby steps, baby steps, baby steps
- make time for YOU
I have no idea what 2019 has in store for me, but I hope whatever is ahead is amazing. I hope I continue to grow in every aspect of my life and I hope I continue to remain happy. I’m optimistic that it will be a great year.
I haven’t quite settled on a resolution, because I’m horrible at them, but these are some of the goals I have for myself:
- travel more
- eat better
- manage/save money better
- manage stress better
- career change/advancement
Well, here’s to 2019!