I’m A Mess.

I’ve had my head in the clouds lately. Sometimes it’s just easier to live my life in this alternative fantasy world where MOST things make sense than to trudge through my actual reality which at times has become strenuous, confusing and an overall mess. Sometimes I feel like I’m watching my life unfold as as a spectator and all I can do is just look on in total disbelief.

Dr. strange

I do this a lot when I don’t want to face the hard truth of things, like how what I want romantically isn’t actually syncing up with what I’m saying and actually doing at the moment.

I had dinner the other night with some of my female friends that I’ve grown fairly fond of in the past few months. I don’t have a great deal of “good” female friends, but these chicks get me. There was no special occasion, just simply getting together to catch up without the guys (mutual friends and baes).

The appearance of one of my friends in the group has been a bit more sparse lately due to her recently getting in a relationship. We’ve all met her guy a time or two and we all “approve” of him for now. He treats her well and she seems happy. While she didn’t occupy a great deal of time talking about him at our dinner, the times she did (briefly) mention him, she looked so happy and that made my entire evening. While I found myself genuinely being happy for my friend, I couldn’t help but to wonder what exactly am I doing with my life? My friend has been seeing her now boyfriend for about the same amount of time that I’ve been dating BF, which definitely hit me like a ton of bricks the other night as I thought about that…

Should I be at that stage? Do I want that? Do I even want that with BF specifically? Eh…

Tune in on next week’s episode of Issa situation…to find out!

For a few weeks now, I’ve definitely come to the conclusion that I want something more out of these interactions I’ve been having. Sure, several months ago (freshly off of heartbreak), I wasn’t interested in anything of substance or long term. My last relationship (I feel) moved entirely too fast in that general direction without allowing me a lot of time to truly assess or even process how I felt or what I even wanted. The period of time between our initial stages of getting to know each other and full blown relationship was super condensed and blurred. It felt like I was watching a car accident in slow motion the entire time and I kept waiting to feel the impact, but was powerless to stop it.

 

Car accident gif

I distinctly remember very early in approaching the entire thing logically and keeping my distance emotionally, but eventually the pool of absurdness and infatuation creeped up on me. It was mostly about how my ex felt, what he wanted and I just joined him along on the whirlwind of a ride because I genuinely liked spending time with him as a person. I found myself mostly doing things he wanted to do or doing things for him instead of for myself, but I wanted to because he was kind and  nurturing. It was like someone took all of the things I strive to be to others and threw it into this guy. He’s probably the nicest and most genuine person I’ve met, but he’s just not “my person”. I felt uneasy during 95% of the relationship because I felt out of control. He was the driver and I could see we were heading full speed ahead towards a cliff, but I felt I needed to balls up and push through because I had, “made a commitment” to be in the relationship (even though it felt slightly forced and rushed). He was the kind of boyfriend that wanted to show off our relationship to the world and told everyone in his life about me in explicit detail very shorty after we met and started dating. Meanwhile, I was more quiet and kept him and the details of our affairs on a “need to know basis” until I felt I was ready to disclose it (my mother found out we were in a relationship by stalking him on FB, since I gave very little details about the “guy I was dating”). The entire thing gave me emotional whiplash (and left me black and blue) after plummeting down that cliff, so after dusting myself off, I decided I wanted to ease back into the “dating pool” in a very casual, non-commitment kind of way and I wanted to take total control over that. Never again did I want to go through that whirlwind BS. I wanted to approach dating from more of an, “maybe I need to date around to figure out what I want”, or “I just want to have fun getting to know someone without the expectation or assumption that we’ll get married someday” perspective.

Simple, right?

On paper, yes…but IRL, dating can be a bit more complex than that at least as time moves on. You fall into habits. Your interests intertwines. You experience things together, but feelings aren’t necessarily stagnant and nothing is promised. Initially things sort of went my way and all was right with the world. I was having my cake and eating it too. I was dating, but not formally feeling required to commit. It was all fun. It was freeing. I had the benefit of doing all of these quasi-relationship things, but on my own terms and with very little responsibility. It was exhilarating. It was liberating…

Now I’m just a bit bored, jaded and cranky. Mostly cranky, haha. What started out as being a lot of lighthearted fun has now become a bit of chore and at times an annoyance and a huge time suck. I don’t particularly find myself being overly excited about any of it anymore, at least not for the reasons I should be. It just interferes with other things that I’d prefer to be doing. It’s become a task that I feel like I need to check off of my “to-do list”. I also find myself being legitimately exasperated if we’re not physically intimate each time we’re together ESPECIALLY if we’re over my place. I’ve never been this person before. Yikes.

This isn’t to say that I don’t like BF or he’s not a great guy (at times a bit silly and a bit reckless, but means well), but any time I try to place him in the role of someone I could see myself actually working towards something more with, the image doesn’t really translate in the way that it should and I get agitated. I’m not sure if he’d jive well with my friends (maybe he would), I’m not sure what my parents would think about him (my dad hates every guy I date–). I don’t know how he’d take knowing that I have anxiety and bouts of depression, I don’t even know if he’d have the patience to understand that sometimes I just need my space and that it’s not personal. It’s like he has the potential to be all of these things, but I would need to trust that he’d take it seriously and trust that I won’t go through the trying experience I went through before. I’m on the defense, like a wounded animal at times, but I hide it all under the facade of being carefree, sweet, charming and “content”. I don’t need anyone, I tell myself, because I don’t. I’m fine on my own, but the idea of having someone there, isn’t necessarily off putting.

I’m that cool chick that doesn’t nag to you about trivial shit. I’m agreeable. I’m easy. I’m not “emotional” (HA), I get it.  I’m like one of the guys…but…you see where this is going, haha. He has no idea any of this is going on in my head, but then again, he’s a smart guy, I’m sure he’s aware that something’s brewing in there. I’m just not sure I feel the level of (emotional) intimacy with him (or anyone right now) to reveal my vulnerability in that way, without appearing weak or needy. Essentially, I’m using our physical intimacy as a replacement for all of that, because who has time for emotions? Who has time to have a soul? No one wants to talk about that uncomfortable shit. It drowns out the conversations we should be having. Our silences, grins, embraces and sounds of satisfaction fill in those gaps. I seek out reasons to be “annoyed” with his actions (some are justified though), to lessen my lukewarm admiration for him, so that I have the upper hand, so that I can back out of this at any time without remorse or regret or too many losses…so that I’m in control.

Jesus. I just psychoanalyzed myself. I’m a mess.

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Other friends of mine (without fully understanding the finer details of our interactions because I intentionally gloss over talking about BF in a lot of detail–some of them have just now learned his first name) have decided that he’s “practically” my boyfriend based off of “time in”. No, no, no, it doesn’t work that way. Like, at. all. That’s not how any of this works.

I thought about this yesterday evening as we linked up. We had been making plans to see Infinity War for the better part of a week and decided to meet after work (midway between our jobs) to check it out. Even though this would make my third time seeing it, I really wanted to see it with him because he had been excited about it for some time. He paid for our tickets, held my hand, asked about my day, made little jokes to make me laugh….all of those cute little date effects. While, I’m not crazy about movie dates and I’m even less crazy about formalized WEEK night dates, it was good to see him. It’s been about a week and a half since we’ve seen each other due to work, traveling and other obligations and part of dating I guess, is maintaining that momentum of…well…seeing each other? I guess at least we’ve been in touch daily? But is that necessary? If I suddenly decided not to respond to his messages today, would he notice? Would this trigger alarm for him? Would he care to know that I was “ok”?

Obviously, since we were seeing a movie, we were’t able to talk much (outside of before and after), so none of my ridiculous thoughts came up. We small talked mostly (about our work days, the weather, the themes of the movie, being tired…) I just attributed my serious composure to being tired (I was actually very tired). He walked me to my car and  embraced me for a while, before calling it a night to head back to his place to get ready for bed.

Wow. This was much longer than I anticipated…

All in all what it boils down to is that I was burned and while I’ve licked most of my wounds and moved on from it, I’m hell bent on never repeating that situation again. How stupid could I have been? The idea of a genuine relationship seems appealing, but scares me all at the same time. It’s a lot to risk. There are all the what ifs. While I’d eventually like to work towards a relationship, I’m definitely not ready for one now. The trouble is, I’m not sure if the guy I’m dating is “my person” or even the person that I want to work with in moving towards a relationship. I need to figure out what’s more important to me in this moment: Doing casual, quasi-relationship things with someone fun and carefree without responsibility for my actions (or responsibility for his) or starting over again and seeking out a more embedded and complex connection with someone new with the specific intentions of long term, but with the understanding (for them) that it won’t happen overnight.

Hmm…

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Fling-A-Ding, Ding.

I unintentionally had a reunion “of sorts” last night with an old fling. When I say unintentionally, I was really just meeting up with a few friends after work at a lowkey neighborhood brewery for some beers, board games and general tomfoolery. Lately, we’ve all gotten together to partake in other avenues of foolishness (like someone’s 30th birthday party that included a hot tub, pool table and foam pit, movies, dinner, trivia, festivals, just to name a few…), but we figured we’d ring it back in for a nice and relaxed kickback to sort of catch up.

So imagine my utter surprise, when I walk up to the bar to order a beer when I see old fling chilling at the bar.

Mind you, we hadn’t seen each over for months and outside of his pathetic attempts of creeping back into my life (via mostly drunken late text messages lately) after full-out ghosting, I’ve kept a pretty firm distance from his (physical) re-entry back into my world. In my mind, we had a no strings attached situation (I was admittedly emotionally checked out), it ended and life goes on. Why revisit that? How would that add value to either one of our lives? My typical rule with ghosting is that when you do it, you better be damn sure that you’re sure of what you’re doing because you’re sending the person you’re ghosting a pretty clear message that you’re cutting all ties with them forever. Foreverever. Foreverever. That’s your decision and any double-backing on that will most certainly (by me) be met by rejection and general apathy for you as a person.

Of course seeing him sitting there nursing a beer (by himself), I couldn’t be a total ass and ignore him. The bar portion of the brewery was small enough (and empty enough at this point) that I couldn’t just go incognito. We exchanged hellos and his face lit up and he leaned in for a kiss–GROSS! I definitely moved away from him as we made forced “how are you doing” chit-chat. He seemed borderline inebriated. About a minute or two into our chat (and just when I was about to exit stage left) a friend of mine popped up and asked when I was coming over so we could start-up a game. Of course, then I sort of felt obligated to introduce my friend and fling since my friend could obviously see I was talking to someone who I “knew”(and my friends are nosy). And of course, I felt a tiny bit of guilt (since I could tell fling was alone) to invite him over to play board games with my friends and I.

What was I doing exactly? Who invites a ghosting fling over to hangout with their friends? Someone trying to build up their karma account, that’s who! (no seriously, I’m not entirely heartless).

Fling got along well with my friends, because my friends are awesome and totally accepting people. He seemed to really have fun and I could tell the interaction perked up his somber mood from earlier when I saw him sitting alone at the bar. Periodically, while playing games, he kept trying to flirt with me or make body contact in any way that he could. I eventually got up and sat away from him to distance myself from his advances the rest of the evening, because what he was NOT ’bout to do was that shit.

Towards the end of the evening, as everyone started to thin out, close tabs and go home, he pulled me aside and asked if I wanted to do dinner (since the brewery had no food and he overheard me tell a friend I came there straight from work). I was pretty hungry by this point and I didn’t have anything prepared at home, so I agreed to dinner. Plus, I wanted to humor any bullshit he was about to pull out of his ass.  Oh, I was ready. We opted for a casual wing place.

I was there to eat. He seemed to be there to eat, back pedal, reminiscence and sweet talk his way back into my “good graces”. It was all white noise to me as I polished off my wings. He walked me to my car after dinner and awkwardly stood there if he expected something from me.

So, this was a nice unexpected date 🙂 ?

I’m sorry. A date? No.

nope - prince with monkey

Nevermind the fact that he’s a fling and I’ve made up my mind that any romance between us is dead, I have a hard time calling dinner, where we go dutch, a “date”. Like, who raised you? To me that’s a hangout and you’ve essentially set the tone for the rest of our encounters, should they even go beyond this first instance. To me, that’s essentially friend-zoning yourself  instantly, which might be my hangups with this other guy. I could go on a tangent about this, but in a nutshell, if you’re asking me to dinner (or otherwise–especially earlier dates) under the assumption that the outing is a indeed a date, it would be nice if you paid for it (this doesn’t need to be an elaborate affair, it could be as simple as paying for a beer), because you’re inviting someone to take time out of their life to spend time with you. Be charming? I believe in equality and I definitely don’t mind “treating” if we’re regularly dating (I actually love doing this), but pull this shit on a legitimate first date and there probably won’t be a second.

Anywho, he leaned in for a kiss, I dodged it and stepped away so that my back was up against my car. I told him it was nice “bumping into” him, but that I wasn’t interested in dating right now (which isn’t a complete lie) He couldn’t have been entirely surprised, but I felt like I needed to be transparent so he’d stop the ridiculous drunken advances and assumptions. He surprisingly took it well or chose to ignore what I said and instead reached for a hug. I pulled the “one-armed-I-don’t-want-to-be-that-close-to-you”, hug.

This was fun, we should do this again. Friends?

 

I Have DF

You ever notice that when you’re not “actively” looking to find that special someone, it kind of just happens by chance ? The few times in life where I’ve been lucky enough to find my special someone (at least for that time period) has come when I’ve pretty much taken the blood, sweat and tears out of stressing about it and just focused on myself and what truly makes me happy. Last year for instance, I was about as happy as I’ve been in a while (solo) and wasn’t actively looking for anyone and someone wonderful waltzed into my life. Well, maybe he slid, moon walked or two-stepped, possibly even tripped over a curb, can’t remember…point is, I’m getting to that stage in dating where I’m exhausted and the simple act of dating is sucking me dry of energy.  Read More

1 Thing and 1 Thing Only

This weekend was bananas. This time last week, I I told myself that I was going to make every effort to keep a low profile and catch up on the rest I lost in the week and weekend before, but alas, that plan went down the toilet quickly as last week unfolded and I felt like I needed to release a lot of stress. I’ve really got to learn how to stop agreeing to going to everyone’s this and that to appear “social”. I guess part of me wants to appear “invested” in many of my newer friends (situationships, and otherwise), but it’s also depleting me of energy.

Last week by far was one of my more trying weeks that I’ve had professionally in a really long time. Aside from the regular stress that typically comes with this time of year, I also had the added stress of our system going offline several times and fighting with developers over numerous unexplained bugs/glitches. On top of all of that, I had two critical meetings to prepare for and a workshop to teach. I didn’t even get around to preparing for the workshop until 11 o’clock the night before because I had spent the entire week up to that point putting out fires (oh and I had promised The teacher, I’d meet him for dinner–that’s for another post though). I’m happy to report that everything worked out well. Fires were put out, bugs/glitches were resolved (in the 11th hour nonetheless), my workshop went almost too smoothly and my director and boss raved about how IMPRESSED they were with my work and my ability to work well under extreme pressure and how I’ve really, “taken on” a leadership role in the office. I was too tired to celebrate any of those successes, but made sure “treat myself” to a evening of pure idiocy with friends after work.

A good friend of mine hosted game night over his place, which ended up being a lot of fun. Usually a bunch of us will link up (formally) at a local bar for game night, but occasionally someone will actually host it in their house. At home game nights are far more intimate and cost effective. There was a ton of foolishness, drinks, cheese sticks (as well as pineapples?) and all around great fun. It was the best way to decompress after such a long and hellish week. While partaking in the buffoonery of game night, I realized (in my tipsy haze) that a newer friend of mine was kind of attractive. We’ve known each other a few months, but mostly in passing and haven’t “bonded” as I have with my other friends who were there. We tagged teamed all night on games and flirted most of the night–though I’m going to blame the majority of that on the alcohol, because we were both pretty sauced up when all was said and done. It was nice to get a goodbye hug from him when he called it a night shortly before 2 a.m.

Now mind you, I was fairly hungover the following day. Far more than I anticipated, especially since I downed several FULL bottles of water in the last hour or two of the night before I left and I even ate a slice of pizza someone ordered. I guess that’s my body’s way of telling me I’m old? Anywho, I gave myself the day to run errands and prepare for date night with Babyface. When we last left off, I was given sound advice to step back and make him plan our next date. Did he do this? Not entirely. Outside of picking he day/time and suggesting we eat some place with “decent whiskey” that’s about the extent of the planning he did. He pretty much left the rest up to me and told me he’d pick me up by 8.

So 7 o’clock rolls around and I hadn’t heard from him, which is unlike him. While I’ve mentioned before that our text message conversations are often meaningless back and forth babble, we re pretty much stay in touch all day (everyday). I finally decided to see if we were still on for 8 so that I knew whether or not to proceed to finish dolling up and to get back with another friend of mine who had invited me out for wing night. His reasoning for being so quiet during the day/evening? He was hungover….Yeah…I’m not even going to begin to dissect just how irresponsible it is of him (at 30) to have consumed so much alcohol the night before that his body was still recovering that evening (since I too had quite a rough start to the morning). But to do so at the expense of someone else’s time is downright rude and tacky. At some point during the day, he could have touch base to let me know what was going on or hell, he could have even postponed the night all together, so as long as I wasn’t being held up on account of his nonsense.

So two hours later (mind you, it’s about 9:30 p.m. at this point) he arrives to pick me up, kisses me (as if he didn’t just pull this stunt) and asks if I’m ready, before interrupting himself and asking, “…if you’re even still hungry (ha), I know it’s a little late, I’m sorry about that.” I should have punched him in his adorable face for that remark.

 

srs;y

*Srlsy?*

A little late” might have been 8:15, 8:30…but to tell me around 7 that you’re “getting ready and you’ll be on your way” to show up at 9:30 p.m., is very late. Matter of fact, I had a hard time deciding if I was more angry at him for not making a bigger deal of his tardiness or the fact that I missed out on eating ACTUAL dinner with ACTUAL people that would have been timely (and entertaining). Chicken Wings n thangz! Part of me wanted to scream at him (like a crazy person), but I checked myself..took a breath and proceeded to head downtown with him in the most passive and non-confrontational way possible. I spent too much time dolling up to waste it.

Since he never specifically fleshed out our date outside of wanting us to do dinner at a place that had “decent whiskey”, I suggested a classy spot that I’ve been to with a few fellow bourbon enthusiasts friends. The place is a step classier than your typical bar and has about ten pages (front and back) of whiskey and bourbon selections, organized by place or origin (country/region), then traditional, wheat and rye. Yum yum yum. I was ecstatic about this place, because I’ve grown to love bourbon ever since my ex introduced it to me last year. I wanted to impress Babyface by my vast knowledge of bourbon selections (since he told me he appreciated whiskey one night when we were downing jim beam at dinner). I smugly ordered buffalo trace (neat) to start as Babyface searched the menu back and forth in panic mode. His puppy dog eyes scanned the menu as if he was trying to comprehend a foreign language.  It dawned on me ten minutes into this that he might have been overwhelmed and not well versed in the world of bourbon selections, so I offered him help. He smiled sweetly and just opted to order an IPA.

First of all…who orders a beer at a bourbon spot? I didn’t even know they SOLD beer there.

concerns

2-3 drinks in, I finally talked him into ordering a cocktail and he ordered a drink with (American) absinthe. By this point, I stopped caring to appear cultured to him probably because I was on my second old fashion of the night, like the classy broad that I am.

We never did end up eating at the bourbon spot (even though their food is amazing) because again, I believe BF was overwhelmed by the menu or maybe he was still drunk or hovering somewhere between coming off his hangover and moving into stage 1 intoxication. He instead suggested we swing by cookout on the way back, because virtually every other decent restaurant was closed for the night. I was too sauced to argue with him at this point and my hopes to have a nice and classy date were shot to hell. I was a mixture between hangry, intoxicated and exhausted. All I wanted to do was go home and go to bed.

I don’t remember much after we got back to my place. I vaguely remember us eating–or well him eating, us laughing about something stupid in my kitchen while I sat on my counter (apparently I gave him a beer and took a shot of tequila???), him playing with my cat  and I guess at some point us snuggling and passing out on the couch. I definitely don’t remember that last part, just waking up from it and netflix asking, “Are you still watching”. For whatever reason we both woke up at the same time to notice that the sun was up. It was 6:30 in the morning!! Do you know how startling it is to wake up to it being light outside when you had no idea you had even dosed off (when it was dark) to begin with? I was stressed and disoriented.

After the initial shock of realizing the sun was up, he followed me upstairs to bed like a lost puppy. I was basically concerned with continuing to sleep off the bourbon, but other things ended up going down. Some really pleasurable, hair raising, back arching, heart pounding, better-than-fresh-coffee thangs. There were a few intense rounds of this and I’m not even sure how because by this point we were both fairly sleep deprived, mildly still intoxicated and zombie like. Things settled around 8 or 9 and then he eventually left around 1 p.m. (after latching onto me for hours as he does whenever we sleep together).

I spent the rest of the day wondering what just happened and assessing just how angry I was at him for his tardiness the night before. Sure, he apologized (I think once in text and once in person), but part of me feels like he didn’t quite understand just how much he actually rubbed me the wrong way. I take quality time with the people in my life seriously and I expect them to do the same. If we say we’re getting together at a certain day or time, I expect those plans to be golden and I expect transparency and advanced(ish) notice if not so I can do other things. Me following up with you an hour before we’re supposed to get together–especially if it’s a time YOU selected, isn’t a good look. Part of me feels like I should have cancelled our date to be petty and prove a point, but I have an issue and I think I’m addicted to his…retracted

covering mouth.gif

My feelings towards BF have shifted quite a bit in these past few weeks, drastically even since we started dating a few months ago…while he’s fun and I genuinely enjoy spending time with him (he’s a nice guy and makes me laugh), I’ve become more concerned (and less emotionally detached) with the physical benefits of it all. In my mind, it’s like he’s serving a very specific purpose. I know, I know, I know. This is terrible and I’m not usually this person, but man oh man. He’s got a talent.

Anyway, I’ve spoken to a few friends about this and they all agree that I should seriously sit down and talk to Babyface about his rude act Saturday night (and his piss poor efforts in planning and being decisive in general) because, “how dare he?”. One of my friends mentioned that he says like he’s either very lazy or too comfortable. While it was very F-boyish behavior (even for him–especially being 30), I don’t know if I’m invested enough to really address or entertain it for that matter. Would addressing it really assure that this doesn’t happen again? Would he even comprehend or just assume I’m being a nag? I don’t care. It’s just shown me that he’s a terrible planner and I should protect my time a little bit better for someone/some people who reciprocate those simple line items of respect. Why should I be punctual and plan my entire evening around him?  If I want to go grab chicken wings with friends when I know I’m supposed to be on a date with him in an hour….why not? Why should I be respectful of his time or energy/effort? I mean, I’ve tossed around completely eliminating trying to “traditionally date” him and just get to down to the “dessert”. I’m getting frustrated with him and I’d prefer to put my effort into other things.

Ghosting & Foolishness

I received a text message out of the blue at the end of last week from a fling. I’m going to refer to him as such, because he was the first guy I, “talked to” post breakup last fall. At the time, I didn’t take the guy or the majority of our interactions seriously, because I was an emotional mess (and I told him this) and he was also quite the emotional mess, also dealing with a breakup–as well as a lot of issues (including a few related to mental heath), but hey, no judgement here. At the time, it was just comforting to have someone to talk to.

We did our thing for about a week and a half (we started talking literal days after the break up), hooked up once, talked a bit more after and then *poof* he was gone.

While slightly confused by his disappearance, I wasn’t entirely shocked or even broken up about it. I never took him seriously enough to even consider the possibility of more. It was rude, but at the same time, we really had no business with one another and I needed to really focus on healing before dealing with anyone, so I did…so imagine my shock when I got that, “hey, stranger.” text.

Sidebar: I really hate texts and emails initiated in this way, because it almost always comes from a place of passive aggressiveness and it’s childish.

I gave it a day before I responded by simply replying, “hey”.

So why did he ghost several months ago?

He went on a tangent about “having issues”, being “scared off” because he thought I was beautiful, being concerned that I wasn’t “over my ex” (and at the time I wasn’t, so that was fair). He claimed to be reaching out to me for “closure”.

Alright, cool story bro .

See, that’s where the conversation SHOULD have ended, but he insisted on knowing if I was “mad” at him or had “thought about him”

No? Wtf? I was so over him and his foolishness that I could barely even remember a lot about him. I was in such an emotionally chaotic state that my entire memory from our brief encounter was virtually nonexistent. He seemed offended when I told him this and decided to “let me know” that he still thought about me and wondered if he still had a chance.

Ha. No he asked this. In all seriousness though, ghosting is a really rude thing to do and had he simply communicated whatever concerns/fears he had I would have respected him, understood and simply moved on…but to descend on my life out of the blue and simply expect us to “pick up” where we left off is selfish. Does he really think I’ve been on “pause” since he disappeared?

Friday night, while getting trashed with some friends while at dinner and Disney trivia (don’t judge, it had been a hellish week and reminiscing about Disney movies while drunk was hilarious), he kept asking if we should, “try again” and that we had some, “real chemistry” and did I remember x,y and z conversation? He kept rambling on about this until I finally admitted to being drunk the majority of our past conversations and that I was currently “seeing someone” and the “situation” was very physical.

Yeah, he wasn’t too happy to hear any of that, to be honest, but I felt it was in my best interest to be transparent, even though he decided to ghost 👻 without any explanation or anything.

He told me he felt “guilty” about it and it weighed “heavily” on him right after he did it. Ok? And?

Truth of the matter is, I don’t see an “us” in the stars. He’s a mess, I’m a (little less of a) mess and I’m a different person than I was when we had our fling. I’m not interested or invested in reviving anything, especially with someone who could just as easily do that again. I especially refuse to commit to someone like that. I’m not even angry at him, I’m just disgusted that he would even think he still deserves space in my life in that capacity. How would he have felt if i did that to him? I’d be all of the “bitches”, “assholes”, “sluts”, “cunts” he could utter. To me, we did our thing, now that’s done and I’ve moved on. I don’t think anything about him, really.

I left our conversation with offering platonic friendship, but that’s it. Am I an asshole for that? Maybe. But this new awakening I’ve had since then says he’s going to create a wave of stress in my life otherwise and I’m good on stress right now.

Friends, Dates, ???, FWBs, Exes.

I was slammed (socially) this past weekend and I’m still paying for it. I did dinner, trivia and bar hopping Friday with some friends, brunch with my parents, date with the teacher, game night with friends, brewery lounge on Saturday and Sunday I took a day trip to the beach with some friends to check out a street festival.

You’re probably wondering, “why do you do this stupid shit?” and my response would be, “because you only live once and I’m a dumb ass.”

After having quite a stressful week at work, I really wanted to focus on fun with friends, where I felt I could be completely relaxed and at ease. My plan was not to go on any dates, but the teacher seemed fairly persistent, so I finally took him up on the offer. We met at this public garden where we walked around for about an hour before my allergies started to go crazy and we dipped into a brewery right down the road (actually the one we met at on our first date). I really appreciated his planning. He knew I had, had a hellish week and wanted to take me places that would ease my mind. We even did dinner after downing a few beers (and I was good and lit).

The teacher has kind of been a dark horse in all of this. He’s a very kindhearted guy, makes his intentions fairly clear and has no problem showering me with compliments and support, all while giving me “space”. I think he “really” likes me and while I enjoy hanging out with him, I’m not sure if I feel those same romantic feelings towards him and I’m not sure how to handle that. Hes fun to talk to (I guess), but I’m having a hard time forcing myself to dive into the pool of infatuation and I’m not even sure if the urge is going to come. Part of me knows I’m not going to have those feelings (for him) no matter how hard I try, but the other part of me wants to know why that even is…? Am I just not attracted to him? He’s not bad looking necessarily…Maybe he’s not “bad boy” enough.

Anyway, after date time with The Teacher, I met up with friends for game night and brewery lounging before calling it an early night around midnight so I could get up to drive to a friend’s house for our day trip Sunday.

My friend that I was meeting up with recently bought a house about thirty minutes outside of town (in the country). This is the friend that I reference in the flake post. Anyway, since it had been so long since she, my other friend and I had hung out, we decided to take a day trip to the beach (from her place).

We had an interesting conversation on dating, relationships and love in our two hour car ride. We all kind of opened up about past situations and how/what we learned from them. We talked about how difficult it was to date in your 30s and how all of us thought online dating in particular was extremely draining. Over the last few months, I really haven’t opened up much about my “love life” in that way. I mean, I’ve vaguely mentioned that I’ve been regularly seeing someone (because another group of friends want to know why I’m missing events here and there), but I haven’t elaborated on how that situation or any past situations have made me feel. I haven’t talked about my fears or insecurities in dating. Or how sometimes I get tired of having to decode things. For some reason with these two friends, I felt compelled to really open up to them about everything going on. I told them about Babyface and how I was sort of at a crossroads with him because my feelings towards him lately have turned into more of a physical convenience than anything else (he’s adorable, funny and nice, but very little of that phases me these days). I told them about my ex and how damaged I felt right after our breakup and how I had been taking precautions in dating to never end up in that situation again. I even told them about other misc relationships, like with blast from the past and how the current state of our friendship is at times strained due to him cheating on me so many years ago and never directly apologizing about it. Overall, the trip really put a lot of things in perspective for me. We even had a conversation about what dating was to each of us and my one friend decided that he probably wasn’t “doing dating correctly”, because dating should involve effort form BOTH parties, it shouldn’t necessarily be one person pulling all of the weight.

We ended up having a fun day at the beach and on the way back, my friends suggested that I refuse to make any plans with Babyface because they thought he was being extremely lazy in never (fully) planning any of our dates  minus our very first one and half of our last one (though one of them said he might just be “shy” and afraid I might not like all of his suggestions–he is not “shy”). Earlier that weekend, Babyface had mentioned getting together the following weekend (this upcoming weekend), but as usual, never provided any details or thoughts as to what he wanted to do or what day/time he wanted to do said things. Per the suggestion of my friends, I sent him a text message Monday night in response basically saying:

This weekend is fine. I’m going to step back and let you figure it out though. You just tell me the when and the where.

*crickets*

As I took breaks to type up this blog post, he responded, but not really to my statement. He sent more of a “good morning, how are you doing, how was your trip,” text. Can I say that is another form of text messaging etiquette that bothers me? Like, he blatantly ignored what I said. I know he has to have somewhat of a reading comprehension to have made it through college…

Maybe I’m just annoyed with Babyface because I’m PMSing and  craving some back breaking action from him specifically–ha, sort of just kidding…but seriously, I’m tired and I don’t want to plan anything. I think I deserve a break on that. We could do pizza on his/mine couch for all I care…just plan it.

Taking on Everyone’s Issues.

The past week has been chaotic both personally and professionally. I am super exhausted and I never even got around to sitting down on my couch until yesterday around 8 p.m. (which resulted in me dosing off like an old cat lady–cat also dosed off).

Work has been a little more stressful than usual and I’ve found myself (again) trying to stretch myself thinly across social/other personal obligations (which has resulted in very little restful sleep). I’ve also been everyone’s person to “vent” their issues to/resolve said issues (lately) and it’s starting to wear heavily on my soul. Imagine my surprise when my anxiety levels have skyrocketed!

For example, last week, three of my friends decided to vent to me about their pending separations/divorces with their spouses/SO.s. Breakups in general are difficult, but divorces, especially those involving property and/or children/pets can become quite messy. I have zero experience in the world of, “divorce” and listening to all of the drama those friends of mine were going through was emotionally draining. I’m not sure if they expected me to “resolve their issues” or just simply listen, so I chose to mostly just listen and wish them well with the outcome. Listening to them ramble has made me seriously never want to get married. It sounds both emotionally draining and expensive from jump AND if things don’t work out.

In addition to the divorce rambles, my ex has been having some difficulties in buying a house and I’ve found myself sucked in to listening (well, reading) his vents about it (and they’ve been super long and descriptive). While I haven’t bought my first home yet (I’m hoping to do that later on this year), I’ve heard from many other friends/family members about how stressful the process can be. He’s told me about how he’s been so stressed out about it that he’s not even sleeping or eating properly. Because I don’t hate him (he’s a good guy and we’re on “good terms”), I’m attempting to be somewhat supportive and at least listen and provide words of encouragement (like my favorite blanket statement of , “I’m sorry all of this has happened, but I truly believe things will work out, just stay positive”). I don’t know what else to say to him really because I don’t know how to “fix” this for him and to be honest, it’s not really my place TO fix this for him either. I’m starting to take on his stress though and it’s causing me to have some weird sleeping habits and also a bit of anxiety about my own future home buying plans. I feel like I’m being kind of a shitty person for not checking in more often to see if he’s ok (he’s mostly volunteering this information and initiating this conversations) especially since he was in a particularly downer mood last Friday, but I don’t know what advice I can really provide him because I have no experience in home buying. Plus, I don’t know IF everything will be ok for him, though I hope that things get better.

I’ve also become everyone’s “go to” to vent about work stress in the office and I don’t know how to fix everyone’s problems/unhappiness. I feel like I’ve been unfairly put in the position to be “little miss sunshine” and spread joy across the office when everyone is “overwhelmed”. I barely have time to knock out everything with my own job, let alone figure someone else’s out…but how do you even say that to someone without coming across cold, unapproachable or inappropriate?  What am I supposed to do when I’m stressed and overwhelmed? I’ve discussed taking a “personal day” with my manager, but I know deep down I’ll most likely be inundated with work issues anyway on my day off no matter how much I legitimately try to relax and decompress.

I think by far though, one of the issues triggering my anxiety the most is having another friend of mine really going through a tough time with his own anxiety/mental illness. I try to be hyper supportive with anyone that struggles with mental illness, but half of the things I find myself saying to him aren’t even things I’m doing regularly myself…like regularly taking (appropriately) prescribed medication, remembering to breathe, taking things one day at a time, not abusing substances as an outlet, etc. I find myself taking it personally when he’s still having a rough/off day, even though I know (a someone who deals with anxiety a well), sometimes  you just have rough days and simply having a support system/friend is what you might need in a specific moment to assure you that things will be ok. He says he feels like a burden (which I can relate, because anxiety basically makes you think you’re insane for “feeling” the way that you feel and it further triggers your anxiety to even talk about it in detail) and he’s not, but again, I can’t “fix it” for him, so I feel like I’m failing at being a supportive friend, even though I know that’s absurd.

I’ve basically decided to turn my phone off today to mostly focus a little better at work, but also to give myself a break from taking on everyone’s issues. I just need a brief break to gather myself.

Anyway, in terms of the anxiety roller coaster, I am on that long uphill journey where you know you’re inching closer and closer to “the drop”.

up hill rollercoaster

 

You feel each metal “clank” as you continue up this path and your chest tightens in anticipation. You know the “drop” is going to be intense, but shortly afterward, you’ll go through some loops and sharp turns, but things will resume back to normal eventually.

It’s a Situation.

Well hey there. It’s been quite a busy week and time has really gotten away from me. Work has been chaotic and being maybe 1 of 3 people in the office that’s been there longer than a year, management has been relying on me heavily to essentially “hold the fort down”, “boost morale”, “hike mt. Everest all while balancing a glass jar on my head”. I’m beat down already and this is only week one of several chaotic weeks ahead leading into our “busy season”. My sleep has already been severely effected, but hey, there’s always coffee, right?

I don’t think I even like coffee, I just drink it because I’m an “adult“.

Maybe it’s the additional stress at work or my fragmented sleeping patterns, but I’ve been thinking a lot (assessing) things with Babyface. As I wrote previously, we have a pretty decent thing going. We get together weekly (usually based on my schedule–because he’ll just suggest “whatever day” works best for me), we go on semi entertaining dates, we laugh/goof around, there’s an appropriate amount of affection and then there’s mind-blowing, back-breaking, can’t-walk-straight-the-next-morning-or-two sex. Ah, yes…but I’m really quick to shut anyone down who gets this situation twisted with assumptions of a relationship. He is not my “man”. He’s a guy I’m “seeing”.

Seems like a pretty sweet deal, right?

Seems like it or so I thought (or at least convinced myself of that). Truth of the matter is, it’s all starting to become a little bit routine. I guess routine isn’t bad, but is this being set up to “go somewhere” or just “coast” in the valley of convenience? Does it matter? Could i take him seriously enough to see him as more ? Part of me feels like he’s been deeply hurt (repeatedly) as well and is probably also extremely hesitant to commit to anything outside of going to work everyday. Understandable. Pulling something like this off isn’t usually my style, but hell, apparently neither is being in a relationship with someone who understands how to communicate their needs when it matters the most (this wasn’t necessarily a jab at Babyface).

Tangent. Sorry.

I’m having fun with Babyface and at times that’s all that I want, but other times, I do miss being in a relationship. I’ve moved beyond missing my ex (most recent or any of them for that matter). I can see clearly and see that things ended for a reason in all of those situations. I just miss the comfort and security of it all, I don’t know. Sometimes it’s nice to “come home to” or “go out with” someone who sees you as their whole world. It’s like I don’t need someone, but it would be nice to have someone in my life like that (again).

Part of me doesn’t legitimately feel like lightning strikes twice…or well, couple two, three, four or five times…like maybe I had the experience and that’s it. I can die knowing what love feels like. How does the saying go, “better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all” Check.

Ha. That’s so pessimistic and I’m not even torn up about it 🤷🏾‍♀️. It’s just hard to see clearly about love at this point. The future looks a bit hazy and bleak. Love is wonderful, but also scary. I’m not sure if I’m really deserving of love right now, because I’m choosing not to really take a lot of things incredibly seriously. I’m also an asshole (almost entirely in my head) and i get weirded out if someone wants to spend every waking moment with me every single day. I’m not a therapist, but I’ve been to therapy enough to know that I’m deflecting how I truly feel if for no other reason to trick myself into thinking i don’t care.

I care…

I want to find that happiness again, I do. And with time, I (am going to think optimistically) will. Maybe and if I don’t, I know what it feels like. In the meantime, I’ve learned a lot about myself over these past few months and just how strong and resilient I truly am. I didn’t know I had it in me, tbh…but I’m here and standing tall.

Babyface and I have a date this evening. He’s taking me to play laser tag/arcade games because I’ve had a stressful week and he thinks that might help me relax. That’s thoughtful. I’m sure he’s sick of me bitching about the chaos of my job though…🙃 being that we’re not in a relationship, he’s technically not even obligated to care.

 

K is for Kindess

I had a chit chat the other day with the ex concerning a potential health scare (that I think I have) that I know he’s been dealing living with for more than 20 years of his life . If you knew him, you’d forget he has this issue because he doesn’t allow it to define him.

Conversation wise, he could have very well ignored me, told me to fuck off or simply dismissed my concerns as being “ridiculous”…but he didn’t. He treated me with genuine respect and kindness. He listened to what I had to say, comforted me through my anxious thoughts (because, anxiety!), shared his perspective on how he deals lives with this health issue and sent loads and loads of information on the matter as well as his specialist’s contact information.

That was super nice of him to do any of that, especially since it required him to do some some googles. After thanking him for the advice and apologizing for the interruption in his day, he said:

Don’t be :). You deserve compassion and kindness, you really do. Keep your head up, (name retracted). Please keep me updated on what you find out.

The kid’s alright in my books. I wish more people would practice kindness in this way. Hell, I wish I was able to be this kind more often. Maybe I should try working on that.