Writer’s Block of my Thoughts?

Is it possible to have writer’s block in regards to writing about the true events of your actual life? Because I can’t even sit still long enough to compose a summary of everything currently going on. It’s making my head spinnnnnnn. Or maybe…just maybe…

Lazy Person (1)

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I’m A Mess.

I’ve had my head in the clouds lately. Sometimes it’s just easier to live my life in this alternative fantasy world where MOST things make sense than to trudge through my actual reality which at times has become strenuous, confusing and an overall mess. Sometimes I feel like I’m watching my life unfold as as a spectator and all I can do is just look on in total disbelief.

Dr. strange

I do this a lot when I don’t want to face the hard truth of things, like how what I want romantically isn’t actually syncing up with what I’m saying and actually doing at the moment.

I had dinner the other night with some of my female friends that I’ve grown fairly fond of in the past few months. I don’t have a great deal of “good” female friends, but these chicks get me. There was no special occasion, just simply getting together to catch up without the guys (mutual friends and baes).

The appearance of one of my friends in the group has been a bit more sparse lately due to her recently getting in a relationship. We’ve all met her guy a time or two and we all “approve” of him for now. He treats her well and she seems happy. While she didn’t occupy a great deal of time talking about him at our dinner, the times she did (briefly) mention him, she looked so happy and that made my entire evening. While I found myself genuinely being happy for my friend, I couldn’t help but to wonder what exactly am I doing with my life? My friend has been seeing her now boyfriend for about the same amount of time that I’ve been dating BF, which definitely hit me like a ton of bricks the other night as I thought about that…

Should I be at that stage? Do I want that? Do I even want that with BF specifically? Eh…

Tune in on next week’s episode of Issa situation…to find out!

For a few weeks now, I’ve definitely come to the conclusion that I want something more out of these interactions I’ve been having. Sure, several months ago (freshly off of heartbreak), I wasn’t interested in anything of substance or long term. My last relationship (I feel) moved entirely too fast in that general direction without allowing me a lot of time to truly assess or even process how I felt or what I even wanted. The period of time between our initial stages of getting to know each other and full blown relationship was super condensed and blurred. It felt like I was watching a car accident in slow motion the entire time and I kept waiting to feel the impact, but was powerless to stop it.

 

Car accident gif

I distinctly remember very early in approaching the entire thing logically and keeping my distance emotionally, but eventually the pool of absurdness and infatuation creeped up on me. It was mostly about how my ex felt, what he wanted and I just joined him along on the whirlwind of a ride because I genuinely liked spending time with him as a person. I found myself mostly doing things he wanted to do or doing things for him instead of for myself, but I wanted to because he was kind and  nurturing. It was like someone took all of the things I strive to be to others and threw it into this guy. He’s probably the nicest and most genuine person I’ve met, but he’s just not “my person”. I felt uneasy during 95% of the relationship because I felt out of control. He was the driver and I could see we were heading full speed ahead towards a cliff, but I felt I needed to balls up and push through because I had, “made a commitment” to be in the relationship (even though it felt slightly forced and rushed). He was the kind of boyfriend that wanted to show off our relationship to the world and told everyone in his life about me in explicit detail very shorty after we met and started dating. Meanwhile, I was more quiet and kept him and the details of our affairs on a “need to know basis” until I felt I was ready to disclose it (my mother found out we were in a relationship by stalking him on FB, since I gave very little details about the “guy I was dating”). The entire thing gave me emotional whiplash (and left me black and blue) after plummeting down that cliff, so after dusting myself off, I decided I wanted to ease back into the “dating pool” in a very casual, non-commitment kind of way and I wanted to take total control over that. Never again did I want to go through that whirlwind BS. I wanted to approach dating from more of an, “maybe I need to date around to figure out what I want”, or “I just want to have fun getting to know someone without the expectation or assumption that we’ll get married someday” perspective.

Simple, right?

On paper, yes…but IRL, dating can be a bit more complex than that at least as time moves on. You fall into habits. Your interests intertwines. You experience things together, but feelings aren’t necessarily stagnant and nothing is promised. Initially things sort of went my way and all was right with the world. I was having my cake and eating it too. I was dating, but not formally feeling required to commit. It was all fun. It was freeing. I had the benefit of doing all of these quasi-relationship things, but on my own terms and with very little responsibility. It was exhilarating. It was liberating…

Now I’m just a bit bored, jaded and cranky. Mostly cranky, haha. What started out as being a lot of lighthearted fun has now become a bit of chore and at times an annoyance and a huge time suck. I don’t particularly find myself being overly excited about any of it anymore, at least not for the reasons I should be. It just interferes with other things that I’d prefer to be doing. It’s become a task that I feel like I need to check off of my “to-do list”. I also find myself being legitimately exasperated if we’re not physically intimate each time we’re together ESPECIALLY if we’re over my place. I’ve never been this person before. Yikes.

This isn’t to say that I don’t like BF or he’s not a great guy (at times a bit silly and a bit reckless, but means well), but any time I try to place him in the role of someone I could see myself actually working towards something more with, the image doesn’t really translate in the way that it should and I get agitated. I’m not sure if he’d jive well with my friends (maybe he would), I’m not sure what my parents would think about him (my dad hates every guy I date–). I don’t know how he’d take knowing that I have anxiety and bouts of depression, I don’t even know if he’d have the patience to understand that sometimes I just need my space and that it’s not personal. It’s like he has the potential to be all of these things, but I would need to trust that he’d take it seriously and trust that I won’t go through the trying experience I went through before. I’m on the defense, like a wounded animal at times, but I hide it all under the facade of being carefree, sweet, charming and “content”. I don’t need anyone, I tell myself, because I don’t. I’m fine on my own, but the idea of having someone there, isn’t necessarily off putting.

I’m that cool chick that doesn’t nag to you about trivial shit. I’m agreeable. I’m easy. I’m not “emotional” (HA), I get it.  I’m like one of the guys…but…you see where this is going, haha. He has no idea any of this is going on in my head, but then again, he’s a smart guy, I’m sure he’s aware that something’s brewing in there. I’m just not sure I feel the level of (emotional) intimacy with him (or anyone right now) to reveal my vulnerability in that way, without appearing weak or needy. Essentially, I’m using our physical intimacy as a replacement for all of that, because who has time for emotions? Who has time to have a soul? No one wants to talk about that uncomfortable shit. It drowns out the conversations we should be having. Our silences, grins, embraces and sounds of satisfaction fill in those gaps. I seek out reasons to be “annoyed” with his actions (some are justified though), to lessen my lukewarm admiration for him, so that I have the upper hand, so that I can back out of this at any time without remorse or regret or too many losses…so that I’m in control.

Jesus. I just psychoanalyzed myself. I’m a mess.

img_5818

Other friends of mine (without fully understanding the finer details of our interactions because I intentionally gloss over talking about BF in a lot of detail–some of them have just now learned his first name) have decided that he’s “practically” my boyfriend based off of “time in”. No, no, no, it doesn’t work that way. Like, at. all. That’s not how any of this works.

I thought about this yesterday evening as we linked up. We had been making plans to see Infinity War for the better part of a week and decided to meet after work (midway between our jobs) to check it out. Even though this would make my third time seeing it, I really wanted to see it with him because he had been excited about it for some time. He paid for our tickets, held my hand, asked about my day, made little jokes to make me laugh….all of those cute little date effects. While, I’m not crazy about movie dates and I’m even less crazy about formalized WEEK night dates, it was good to see him. It’s been about a week and a half since we’ve seen each other due to work, traveling and other obligations and part of dating I guess, is maintaining that momentum of…well…seeing each other? I guess at least we’ve been in touch daily? But is that necessary? If I suddenly decided not to respond to his messages today, would he notice? Would this trigger alarm for him? Would he care to know that I was “ok”?

Obviously, since we were seeing a movie, we were’t able to talk much (outside of before and after), so none of my ridiculous thoughts came up. We small talked mostly (about our work days, the weather, the themes of the movie, being tired…) I just attributed my serious composure to being tired (I was actually very tired). He walked me to my car and  embraced me for a while, before calling it a night to head back to his place to get ready for bed.

Wow. This was much longer than I anticipated…

All in all what it boils down to is that I was burned and while I’ve licked most of my wounds and moved on from it, I’m hell bent on never repeating that situation again. How stupid could I have been? The idea of a genuine relationship seems appealing, but scares me all at the same time. It’s a lot to risk. There are all the what ifs. While I’d eventually like to work towards a relationship, I’m definitely not ready for one now. The trouble is, I’m not sure if the guy I’m dating is “my person” or even the person that I want to work with in moving towards a relationship. I need to figure out what’s more important to me in this moment: Doing casual, quasi-relationship things with someone fun and carefree without responsibility for my actions (or responsibility for his) or starting over again and seeking out a more embedded and complex connection with someone new with the specific intentions of long term, but with the understanding (for them) that it won’t happen overnight.

Hmm…

Ghosting & Foolishness

I received a text message out of the blue at the end of last week from a fling. I’m going to refer to him as such, because he was the first guy I, “talked to” post breakup last fall. At the time, I didn’t take the guy or the majority of our interactions seriously, because I was an emotional mess (and I told him this) and he was also quite the emotional mess, also dealing with a breakup–as well as a lot of issues (including a few related to mental heath), but hey, no judgement here. At the time, it was just comforting to have someone to talk to.

We did our thing for about a week and a half (we started talking literal days after the break up), hooked up once, talked a bit more after and then *poof* he was gone.

While slightly confused by his disappearance, I wasn’t entirely shocked or even broken up about it. I never took him seriously enough to even consider the possibility of more. It was rude, but at the same time, we really had no business with one another and I needed to really focus on healing before dealing with anyone, so I did…so imagine my shock when I got that, “hey, stranger.” text.

Sidebar: I really hate texts and emails initiated in this way, because it almost always comes from a place of passive aggressiveness and it’s childish.

I gave it a day before I responded by simply replying, “hey”.

So why did he ghost several months ago?

He went on a tangent about “having issues”, being “scared off” because he thought I was beautiful, being concerned that I wasn’t “over my ex” (and at the time I wasn’t, so that was fair). He claimed to be reaching out to me for “closure”.

Alright, cool story bro .

See, that’s where the conversation SHOULD have ended, but he insisted on knowing if I was “mad” at him or had “thought about him”

No? Wtf? I was so over him and his foolishness that I could barely even remember a lot about him. I was in such an emotionally chaotic state that my entire memory from our brief encounter was virtually nonexistent. He seemed offended when I told him this and decided to “let me know” that he still thought about me and wondered if he still had a chance.

Ha. No he asked this. In all seriousness though, ghosting is a really rude thing to do and had he simply communicated whatever concerns/fears he had I would have respected him, understood and simply moved on…but to descend on my life out of the blue and simply expect us to “pick up” where we left off is selfish. Does he really think I’ve been on “pause” since he disappeared?

Friday night, while getting trashed with some friends while at dinner and Disney trivia (don’t judge, it had been a hellish week and reminiscing about Disney movies while drunk was hilarious), he kept asking if we should, “try again” and that we had some, “real chemistry” and did I remember x,y and z conversation? He kept rambling on about this until I finally admitted to being drunk the majority of our past conversations and that I was currently “seeing someone” and the “situation” was very physical.

Yeah, he wasn’t too happy to hear any of that, to be honest, but I felt it was in my best interest to be transparent, even though he decided to ghost 👻 without any explanation or anything.

He told me he felt “guilty” about it and it weighed “heavily” on him right after he did it. Ok? And?

Truth of the matter is, I don’t see an “us” in the stars. He’s a mess, I’m a (little less of a) mess and I’m a different person than I was when we had our fling. I’m not interested or invested in reviving anything, especially with someone who could just as easily do that again. I especially refuse to commit to someone like that. I’m not even angry at him, I’m just disgusted that he would even think he still deserves space in my life in that capacity. How would he have felt if i did that to him? I’d be all of the “bitches”, “assholes”, “sluts”, “cunts” he could utter. To me, we did our thing, now that’s done and I’ve moved on. I don’t think anything about him, really.

I left our conversation with offering platonic friendship, but that’s it. Am I an asshole for that? Maybe. But this new awakening I’ve had since then says he’s going to create a wave of stress in my life otherwise and I’m good on stress right now.

Mr. Swagoo

So I’ve been meaning to write a follow up post about dude from valentine’s day, let’s just call him, “mr. swagoo”. As I mentioned in that post, I was instantly drawn to him because he was so cool. He’s traveled to all of these amazing places, seemed really smart, was very well put together, dressed very professionally and was very kind and non judgemental to everyone. Talking to him seemed to come second nature to me and we spent hours in a bar valentine’s day chatting, which sealed our solid friendship.

Fast Forward several weeks and we’ve even gone out a few times (solo) as friends. One Saturday night, he took me to a concert downtown. It was kind of a lame concert (a friend of his got free tickets and gave them to him), but it was still fun being there with him and cracking jokes about everything around us.

Friday night I had a huge gathering for my birthday at this local Mexican restaurant and he came out despite not really knowing any of my other friends, which I thought was sweet, especially since we’ve known each other MAYBE three and a half weeks. He immediately integrated in with everyone as if he had known them all for years and even really hit it off with another good friend that I recently met a week or two coming off of the break-up. He “worked the room” much better than I did (after a  while, I became too drunk and overwhelmed to really move around like that and just sort of allowed people to come to me).

After chatting with everyone, he came back over to me and bought me a few drinks (he his a jack and coke, old fashion or bourbon neat sort of guy–classy). The way he sat close to me and placed his hand on mine as we chatted caused me to tune everyone else out and tune into to him exclusively. He tuned everyone out as well and focused just on me. We talked about getting together in the coming week for dinner and HIS birthday dinner the following weekend (which he invited me to the same night that we met). He left towards the end of the dinner as my other friends started talking about making plans to venture downtown. He gave me this huge bear hug and told me to text him. He explicitly also asked me to text him later to let him know I made it home ok too (after the tomfoolery downtown with friends). As the responsible adult that he is, he mentioned needing to get some rest so he could tend to his yard work in the morning.  He owns his own house about five minutes down the road from my townhome (which I am renting-eek) and I found out through conversation that he owns a corvette (o__o) as a second car. Clearly I’m not living my best life, folks.

After his departure, one of my lifelong best friends (who was also there) made a comment to me about how nice mr. swagoo seemed and even asked if there was something going on between us.

hmmm

At first I found this funny until I actually thought about it (in my drunken mind) and how I may have been unintentionally friendzoning him. Oops. I thought back to all of the times he asked to “hangout” and how half of those times I declined in order to dick around with friends or the guys HALF his worth I’ve been dating. I thought about how he always texts me and how responsive, funny and very kind he is in his texts. I thought about how well we clicked that night we met and how non-judgemental he is. I thought about how I’ve seen numerous examples of how sweet and thoughtful he is…and I thought about how nice he dressed.

Why have I been blind to this?! Have I really spent this many weeks in a consistent drunken haze that I haven’t noticed?!

I think what it boils down to (and I did a tweet thread about this last weekend) is that I’m so used to having guy friends that I often don’t think twice about it. I just assume if I met a guy under the realm of a friendly environment, friends we sha’ll be! I rarely stop to think, “maybe this guy quite possibly may want to be all up in my guts…or in the very least, might want to entertain getting to know me beyond friends”. It literally takes a guy shaking me and shouting that he wants to date me sometimes in order for me to realize these things. This might also have something to do with self esteem (although much better than years past) and how I don’t really believe I’m anyone’s “type” or truly believe guys when they tell me they like or me that I’m beautiful. Yeah I know, this is wild. I’m working through this.

I’m not saying this guy is any of those things and for all I know maybe he’s just really nice and enjoys my company just as I enjoy his. I will say that my eyes are open now and I’m starting to pay a little bit more attention to him. I’d like to get to know him more, even if it’s as friends. He had my curiosity, now he has my attention. He’s not even my “type”, which might be perfect, because clearly my “type” hasn’t been working out so well these last few years. I realized this weekend that I find him to be extremely sexy. He just has swag out of this atmosphere and I want to be around the good vibes he’s putting off.

Anyway, I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself here, I just plan to be a bit more on alert than before. I’m fine being friends with him because he’s unlike anyone else in my life right now and I think he offers a different perspective on life. He’s allowing me to reconsider what I want out of life and how maybe I’m holding back just a bit on some of my goals and dreams.

 

Seal it with a Dozen Texts

This morning, I received an angry text from a guy I went on two date with (never wrote about him), before kindly telling him that I thought he was nice, but that I didn’t feel any chemistry with him. He has literally spent all week trying to manipulate me into “going out with him” anyway, even though I continue to decline.

He went on a this rant about how I never make time for him and how I should “tell my friends” that I have better priorities than them or some such nonsense and I guess because I didn’t respond five minutes after he sent that,  he took that as me giving him the “silent treatment” and then followed up with 10-12 additional “double texts” as I continued my drive in to work. My phone seemed to be dinging every other minute. Do you have any idea how annoying that is?!

This aggravated the pure T fuck out of me.

First of all, I’ve explicitly told this guy that I didn’t think we had a lot of chemistry and that I didn’t think we should proceed any further, but yet all week he’s been trying to manipulate and guilt trip me into “going out” with him anyway, to which I’ve declined to and told him it’s my birthday week and I have things going on everyday this week. I don’t personally think I even need to explain any of that to him in the first place! I guess that touched a nerve. Second of all, I HATE when people send multiple text messages back to back to back to back like that without giving you an appropriate amount of time to even process what they said and to respond. That’s borderline insanity and super obnoxious. If you’re sending novel length text messages (particular if you’re being emotionally irrational), allow the person you’ve sent it to, to process it. Even if I did halfway want to consider seeing him again (which I especially don’t now), he’s making me want to be extremely mean to him. I always try to be as nice as I can in these situations, but I’m not in the mood today to deal with anyone’s bullshit, especially not his. When I finally made it to work, I told him that I got all dozen of his fucking text messages (I said this verbatim) and asked him to stop sending me texts because I was DRIVING that I would respond when I settled into work. I eventually sent him a message reiterating the fact that I needed to decline his offer to “go out” and made it clear that this was in indefinite decline. I tried to lace it up with, “you’re a nice guy, you deserve x, y and z, best of luck to you…” but I feel like it came off really insincere because he pissed me off and I’m already in a shitty mood today.

First Date Planning

I just have to take a moment to talk about a mild annoyance of mine in regards to dating and that is when someone (in my case a guy) asks you on a FIRST date, but then expects or relies on you to plan it.

So ok, I get that the guy is trying to make sure that whatever the two of you do is something that you’ll like, but at the same time, I’m not so difficult to please that I’ll turn my nose up at any suggestion he has. To me, if we’ve talked enough to one another for the topic of going on a date to come up, I feel like at that point, he would know enough surface things about me to kind of run with an idea.

Like hey, she likes college basketball, pizza and breweries…Perhaps we could start with a a local college basketball game (relatively cheap if the team sucks) and then I can take her to this really cool brewery a few blocks away that’s known for having the best pizza in the city (yes, a place like this actually exists in my city).

BOOM. Done. Date planned.

Chris-Pratt-Mind-Blown

I don’t know, maybe it’s more complex than that. Perhaps everything is these days, but I’d rather have the guy spend less time placing the owness on me (for first dates) and more time just suggesting an outing that’s to the point so we can continue to get to know one another. And yes, I have asked a guy on a date and I have suggested something for us to do based on our shared interests. And yes, the times I have done that have gone well.

Let me be clear, this mostly annoys me with FIRST dates. I’m all about sharing the planning responsibility after that date (even grabbing the tab–yes, I will grab the time from time to time). I just feel like if you’re asked out and you agree, maybe the person should have an idea of what they’d like to do WITH you?

Maybe I’m just being ungrateful, but it’s just a pet peeve of mine (or maybe I was just REALLY spoiled with that). I like it when a guy takes initiative and doesn’t allow you to stress out over coming up with something for the two of you to do. I like that he asks your preferences (or through conversation REMEMBERS things you’ve said) and takes those into consideration with planning the date. That’s hugely attractive to me.

I’ve had to “plan” 1.5 dates for this upcoming weekend. I say 1.5, because with one guy I had to literally pick the day, time and restaurant after he asked me if I was free to go out later on this week, but wanted me to put together the details so it would be, “something that I like”.

 

Ok…?

wine

The other guy took a little more initiative and suggested we go out Saturday and framed our date activity as being a museum and dinner after, but kind of left it up to me to pick WHICH museum (we have at least a dozen in the surrounding area) and WHAT dinner place (there are too many to count in this area). I feel like we’ve spoken enough to where he could have probably gone a step further and fleshed out those details, but whatevs. I tried information gathering on his favorite types of cuisine last night via text, but all I got from that is that he doesn’t like mayo based salads (but who does?).  At least he did more than the other guy I guess. I won’t talk about the third guy, because I’m not sure if I want to go on a date with him right now.

Anyway, I suppose part of the frustration is that I dated a guy once that would NEVER make any decision as to what we did or where we would go (he would also rarely drive if it required us to take one car some place if we decided to go that route instead of meeting one another there). He would just ask for us to “get together” and that was it. And, on top of that, he had the nerve to be slightly picky. It became super annoying towards the end because I felt like he wasn’t even trying and it was exhausting to constantly plan out dates that he asked me to go on. But then on the other end of the spectrum, my ex almost always took initiative with these things (almost to a fault at times–like to itinerary levels–which could be a different kind of annoyance for another post). On our first date he literally just needed to know if I was free on a certain day and time and he ran with it. Even tossed in some “in the moment” additions to the date that worked. He actually never asked me “out” unless he had an idea of what we were doing already in  his head. Also, gotta make sure things are going well on the initial “planned” part of your date before assuming you’re about to hop around town to continue it. He should teach a class to these street urchins.

All of this rambling about dates is making sleepy and annoyed. Where is my emotional support peacock?!! I need him.

peacock

“Fight Club”

Within the last month or so, I’ve slightly entertained dating again. I’m in a good place now and I feel like I’m realistically ready to venture back in. I’ve kept a pretty open mind about it and have made sure to meet people (guys) in a variety of ways (in person, through friends, over shared hobbies, online, etc). I’ve also made it a point to not seriously devote more than a fourth of my life to “actively seek” love or companionship, because I don’t “need it”. I’m happy enough with myself that I’m ok with being by myself. Those things are nice (when they’re meaningful and have substance), but I’ve learned that having someone in your life should only enhance your happiness, not exclusively bring happiness into your life. I also haven’t been super serious about committing to any one guy, because I don’t need to right now. I’m not interested in hopping right back into a relationship. I’m good on that.  I’m ok with being single, doing my own thing and spending time with friends. As I mentioned some time back, dating helps you identify if someone is a good match for you. It’s silly to dive head first into the first person that has a shared interest with you.

Ok, enough of the reflection introduction…

As I mentioned, I’m entertaining multiple avenues of meeting guys. Of course, one of the avenues is online dating. Ha. It seems so taboo to me (even in 2018), but everyone is busy and it’s just another means to put yourself out there. While I’ve spoken to a few guys up there, I haven’t taken it extremely seriously just yet (more on this in a future post)…So imagine my shock when I get a message last night from a guy I know IRL.

So here’s the thing, I’ve seen several guys online that I know IRL (mostly as acquaintances), but my rule of thumb is to not interact with them online. Hell, I even saw a mild crush of mine online, but it’s pointless to communicate there. I mean, if we know each other IRL, and there isn’t enough spark to entertain dating or “getting to know one another”, why interact online? It seems counterproductive, ha.

 

fight club

 

So of course, you can imagine my shock when I login and read the message from a guy I already know.

Hey–how are you doing? Do you remember me? We went to college together and worked together, ha. Small world. How are you doing??

At first, I wasn’t quite sure how to even respond to this because it was awkward. Eventually I wrote back to let him know I was fine and hoped he was doing well too. I didn’t ask any questions as to intentionally dead end the conversation.  I’m not sure what his point in messaging me was, to be honest. Perhaps he was on a Walter Mitty mission?

walter mitty

I’m not going to explain each specific detail, but in a nutshell, Walter discovers his crush has a somewhat active dating profile and wants to date her before someone else does. He realizes in reading her profile, that she’s looking for someone full of adventure and realizes he hasn’t done a lot of adventurous things in his life…so he sets out to change that and goes on a weird self discovery quest of sorts. It’s a cute movie.

Anyway, hopefully that’s the end of our interaction really. I wasn’t his biggest fan when we worked together (and went to college together), so unless he’s done a 180, I’m not interested in entertaining anything with him IRL.

We’ll see.

Jaded & Empathic

Well, it’s another sunny day in my world—being most sarcastic of course, but it was a mildly interesting day to say the least. We got pizza at work and I ended up explaining my ex’s vasectomy to my mom (don’t ask).

Today, I received a peculiar response from a guy that I had been messaging on an app. He seemed “shocked” that “someone like me” would have been interested enough to respond to him *clutch to pearls and stop the press right now*. He eagerly wanted to know why I responded.

Like…is that earth shattering? I mean, up until now you seemed normal?

I told him in reading his profile he seemed nice and down to earth. He asked me if that was rare, to which I replied, “yes, a lot of guys up here seem to be really jaded and bitter.” Well, I must have touched a sore spot because he sent me a novel in response. I’m not even going to write everything he said because it was stupid. I’ll just summarize:

He basically said a lot of guys have been hurt really bad by women and they were tired and didn’t believe in love anymore. They were so hurt in fact, that they just couldn’t take it anymore and I should feel empathy for them…because poor them. He also went on a tangent about how he knows guys are “sleazy” and he *tries* to take that into consideration with women and tries to make up for the “sleazy” guys they’ve dealt with.

WHAT?!

Y’all exhaust the fuck out of me, I swear. I had to read his message back twice.

In the grand scheme of things, I understood what he meant, but it still didn’t explain or excuse these same hurt men referring to all women as, “spineless, backstabbing bitches”, which I explained to him. He back pedaled a bit, but still advised me to understand, assuring me that HE was not one of these guys.

Omg, go away.

He concluded his soapbox speech asking me how I was doing and how work was going for me today. Well, deputy dog, I’m doing just dandy now that you mansplained who and what i should feel empathy for.

Moral of the story, if you ever read or see a guy in extreme distress calling all women, “spineless, backstabbing bitches”, open up your heart and empathize with him. He’s had a hard life.

Fin.

 

Crazy Little Thing Called…

Life has been extremely busy lately, both professionally and socially, but this hasn’t necessarily been a bad thing. While I’ve pulled some long intense days at work, I’ve managed to go out and “be social” every day in the past week (yay). This little accomplishment has helped with stress and my periodic anxiety and depression.

One of the reasons in my boost in social activity has been this guy. We’ve been out two additional times since I wrote that post and they’ve been blast. When I first starting speaking to him, I did anticipate anything worthwhile coming out of our interactions. He was nice, intelligent, adorable and could hold a conversation, but he’s really thrown a wrench in my plans emotions. He’s so attentive, funny, understanding and sweet.

I told myself when I last posted that I was going to refrain from kissing him, but well…I gave into it Saturday night…multiple times and I’m glad that I did. Long story short, we ended the evening at his place just to get out of the cold. He was extremely respectful the entire time.

We went out again Wednesday night after work and spent four hours talking and laughing about our jobs and everything else. It really only felt like half an hour until we both realized we had been sitting there four entire hours. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been engrossed in conversation with someone to the point of losing track of time. Since we parked in opposite directions, he walked me to my car, as he’s done pretty much every time we’ve been out no matter how far away I parked from him and of course we kissed again. I can’t help but to feel kind of giggly afterwards, like I’m back in middle school. I have no idea where that’s coming from other than the fact that I’m deeply conflicted on whether or not I sincerely want to be so free with my emotions right now. He noticed my weird school girlish reaction and told me to let him know if he ever does anything that makes me feel uncomfortable and then I felt like a fool!

Truth be told, I do like him and that scares me, so my defense mechanism is to just goof during our embraces and affections. I think part of me is shocked that he likes me this much and the other part of me is thinking, “surely this will end soon, no need to get attached”. We spoke about this later on in the night (after we both got home) and I assured him by no means is he making me uncomfortable, but that I’m just weird. I told him he was doing “everything right” (which he is). He seemed to understand and reassured me that he, “really liked me and enjoys spending time with me”. We could also be on the same wavelength since I recently found out we’re the same zodiac sign and our birthdays are exactly a week apart.

Oh Boy.

On another semi related note, I’m going out of town this weekend to visit him (situationship guy).Usually I’m over the moon excited about the trip, but this time around I’m kind of indifferent also kind of tired. When we spoke briefly last night, it just felt kind of bland. Maybe I was tired or distracted (I was in walmart), but I couldn’t put my finger on it. He asked me if I could help him get a new mattress since of course I have an suv to tie it to (eye roll).

Really? I am just someone you use to haul your shit now?!

I know he didn’t mean it in that way, but the notion of it slightly agitated me.  Maybe I’m agigtated because I’m starting to realize how it feels to be around someone who is open emotionally and how I know I’m going to go there this weekend to most likely be disappointed by something he does or doesn’t do. Same routine, same song and dance. I don’t know. Maybe he’ll completely prove me wrong. It will be interesting to see how the weekend unfolds. All I know is, the bar has been raised and he better step up. One thing I am doing differently with him this year is not wasting my money on getting him a Valentine’s day gift. Usually we’ll exchange gifts, but since we’re not always around each other on the actual day it’s through the mail, or in his case, comes one or more months later when he comes into town for work (better late than never?).

Welp. Here’s to the freakin’ weekend.