Crazy Little Thing Called…

Life has been extremely busy lately, both professionally and socially, but this hasn’t necessarily been a bad thing. While I’ve pulled some long intense days at work, I’ve managed to go out and “be social” every day in the past week (yay). This little accomplishment has helped with stress and my periodic anxiety and depression.

One of the reasons in my boost in social activity has been this guy. We’ve been out two additional times since I wrote that post and they’ve been blast. When I first starting speaking to him, I did anticipate anything worthwhile coming out of our interactions. He was nice, intelligent, adorable and could hold a conversation, but he’s really thrown a wrench in my plans emotions. He’s so attentive, funny, understanding and sweet.

I told myself when I last posted that I was going to refrain from kissing him, but well…I gave into it Saturday night…multiple times and I’m glad that I did. Long story short, we ended the evening at his place just to get out of the cold. He was extremely respectful the entire time.

We went out again Wednesday night after work and spent four hours talking and laughing about our jobs and everything else. It really only felt like half an hour until we both realized we had been sitting there four entire hours. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been engrossed in conversation with someone to the point of losing track of time. Since we parked in opposite directions, he walked me to my car, as he’s done pretty much every time we’ve been out no matter how far away I parked from him and of course we kissed again. I can’t help but to feel kind of giggly afterwards, like I’m back in middle school. I have no idea where that’s coming from other than the fact that I’m deeply conflicted on whether or not I sincerely want to be so free with my emotions right now. He noticed my weird school girlish reaction and told me to let him know if he ever does anything that makes me feel uncomfortable and then I felt like a fool!

Truth be told, I do like him and that scares me, so my defense mechanism is to just goof during our embraces and affections. I think part of me is shocked that he likes me this much and the other part of me is thinking, “surely this will end soon, no need to get attached”. We spoke about this later on in the night (after we both got home) and I assured him by no means is he making me uncomfortable, but that I’m just weird. I told him he was doing “everything right” (which he is). He seemed to understand and reassured me that he, “really liked me and enjoys spending time with me”. We could also be on the same wavelength since I recently found out we’re the same zodiac sign and our birthdays are exactly a week apart.

Oh Boy.

On another semi related note, I’m going out of town this weekend to visit him (situationship guy).Usually I’m over the moon excited about the trip, but this time around I’m kind of indifferent also kind of tired. When we spoke briefly last night, it just felt kind of bland. Maybe I was tired or distracted (I was in walmart), but I couldn’t put my finger on it. He asked me if I could help him get a new mattress since of course I have an suv to tie it to (eye roll).

Really? I am just someone you use to haul your shit now?!

I know he didn’t mean it in that way, but the notion of it slightly agitated me.  Maybe I’m agigtated because I’m starting to realize how it feels to be around someone who is open emotionally and how I know I’m going to go there this weekend to most likely be disappointed by something he does or doesn’t do. Same routine, same song and dance. I don’t know. Maybe he’ll completely prove me wrong. It will be interesting to see how the weekend unfolds. All I know is, the bar has been raised and he better step up. One thing I am doing differently with him this year is not wasting my money on getting him a Valentine’s day gift. Usually we’ll exchange gifts, but since we’re not always around each other on the actual day it’s through the mail, or in his case, comes one or more months later when he comes into town for work (better late than never?).

Welp. Here’s to the freakin’ weekend.

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Kiss Me Not

Lately, I’ve been sticking to this new notion of staying true to one of my resolutions of getting out there and staying social. I guess you could toss casual dating in there too, because why not?

I’ve been casually (so very casually) seeing this guy for a handful of weeks now. Originally, I didn’t see him as being my “type”, but he’s slowly starting to maintain my attention.

For starters, we’re about the same height, which I guess isn’t that big of a deal, minus the fact that I occasionally like to wear boots and heels. This is such a superficial thing to be concerned about and I really wish I was a better person than this, but I’m really insecure. I’m already on the taller end for a female (I’m 5’7). I’m used to seeing guys that are at least 3-4 inches taller than me and of course I’ve dated guys almost an entire foot taller than me (which was a bit weird for other reasons). Wearing heels was not an issue with them. With this guy, I’ve made it a huge point to stick to wearing flats, which will be ok because they’re more comfortable, I guess.

Outside of this superficial bullshit I’m attempting to move past, he’s a decent guy. We have a lot in common, he’s very intelligent, independent, a conversationalist, great listener, has his SHIT together, is a sweetheart, is family oriented and is just plan adorable, like a puppy.

He doesn’t stress me out (by being thirsty) and in between times that we see each other, I feel like we communicate an appropriate amount of time. He doesn’t attempt to text message me from sun up to sun down and doesn’t completely go ghost using the excuse that he “doesn’t check his phone”. We may communicate via text message 2, sometimes 3 times a week and usually in the evenings and the conversations are equally initiated.

But I can’t pull myself to think of him more than just someone to have fun with for right now. Maybe not even intimately either. I’m not sure if I want any strings attached to this right now. Maybe like a friend plus? I like him  a little more than a friend, but I haven’t settled on how much yet and maybe that’s ok?

 I guess part of that is the fact that I genuinely care about him (the situationship guy from my past that I link up with from time to time). Sure, he’s emotionally fucked up, but his heart is in the right place and he shows he cares by doing things for me, protecting me and pampering me. We have some history there and I can’t help but to kind of hang on to that. He’s my comfort. It’s weird and I wish I could shut it off some days. He’s just a shitty communicator and sometimes staying in touch with him is more effort than it’s worth.Sure, he reaches out to me too, but it’s exhausting trying to reach out to him. Sometimes he’ll answer and other times he may return your call/text in 3-4 days. Granted, he’s really never been that great at communicating, but I’m older now and this is really aggravating me.

Last Saturday, I was out having dinner with this guy (the casual guy). We talked and laughed for hours.He’s very easy to talk to and we have a similar sense of humor. I had a genuinely good time. We parked in different locations, so he walked me to my car. As we got to the point of the evening to say goodbye, he leans in to kiss me. My reflex was to lean away and hug him instead. Sure, we vibe well…but if I kiss him, that’s going to open flood gates for all of these assumptions and feelings that I personally don’t want to be accountable for right now. At the same time, I like his company, so it’s confusing. We have another date planned for this Saturday, so I may simply ask him what he’s hoping to get out of this (if anything at all) or perhaps I won’t say anything at all and let it ride out. I think this is still in the sweet spot of not needing any definition.

In other news, situationship guy called Sunday night and invited me to spend the weekend at his place–Valentine day weekend at that 👀. I’m not too sure what that means or if it means anything at all. He told me once that he hated V-day, and even though we were only together during 1 V-day, he made it a point to get me a gift and a card. Sure, we had vaguely spoken about me picking up his recliner at some point, but he explicitly said to come that particular weekend, even when I mentioned other weekends over the next two months. Weird.

Oh well, I guess I’ll see what’s up with him and casual guy shortly.

Old Flames (that won’t die out)


I believe he really likes me and that’s scary. It’s scary, because I know in the back crevices of my mind that feeling is mutual. Beyond all of his quirkiness, he’s a genuinely sweet guy, that would do just about anything for me without expecting anything in return. He’s really intelligent, funny & independent. We’ve been here before…nearly 4 years ago, when we were actually dating and it was mutually understood that we were progressing towards something serious, but then everything went to shit…

He’s been different lately. He’s really “grown up” in these past few years. He’s not as selfish, he really listens, he fixes things around my house or on my car, loves my cat,  pays for dinner, drinks, movies, he spent 2 hours helping my dad build a gazebo two weeks ago!! He just brought me $100 router because he remembered me mentioning that mine was on the fritz (and he set it up for me)–yes, I know this entire paragraph is a grammatical mess.

What normal friend does any of that?  Don’t get me wrong, my friends are all awesome people, but my point is that they aren’t wining and dining me and trying to impress my parents.

When we talk on the phone he’s  encouraging when I’m stressed & actually asks my how I FEEL instead of being dismissive and rambling on about himself while I just listen. He now says things like, “It’s always good to talk to you”,  “I’m looking forward to seeing you”, or “I really had a good time with you”.

When we’re having a conversation face to face sometimes he’ll just gaze at me and smile, even if I’m not saying anything humorous. It’s like he’s in the clouds.


He often slips up and refers to my place as “home” in letting me know he’s on the way and I don’t correct him. After all, he has a key for a while and every time he leaves, he leaves a trail of his toiletries behind, which I believe is on purpose. Both of my bathrooms are littered with shower gels, shampoos, shaving creams, hair gels, deodorants, toothpastes, mouthwashes, etc. and several articles of his clothing are strung around the house. You would think I have a man living with me full time. I don’t tend to leave things at his place, at least not on purpose. My toiletries cost too much money to part with them for weeks on end like that.

He lives about two hours away now (we used to live in the same city, but he got a new job about 2.5 years ago after stomping on my heart to breifly see someone else), but his company has an office here in town that very frequently (at least lately) seems to send him there. I’m starting to think that he’s just volunteering to come here for any reason at all and using his job as an excuse to visit me. Of course he does visit without coming here for work occasionally.

My assessment with all of this is that he cares and probably wants something more, but may not be confident enough to make that move or may be afraid that he fucked up that opportunity years ago. I’m not always that easy to read, I admit that, but in my defense, I always make it known if I’ve enjoyed someone’s company or if I miss them. I always tell him these things, always have.

Ultimately, it could be a slippery slope though, especially with how things ended the last time we decided to date.Throw in the added complexity of it being long distance (about a 2-2.5 hour drive), and you’ve got a really tricky situation. I value our friendship too much to let that go if things go south (again). Part of me doesn’t want to entertain any part of this charade, because throwing labels on things too quickly can backfire, but at the same time, I’ve had numerous reminders lately that life is moving while I’m still stuck in neutral thinking, “what if”.

I attended an old friend’s baby shower the other day. We’re the same age and she’s married and VERY pregnant. Some other high school acquaintances were there and one of them happened to mention how she had been married for seven years. It really made me wonder where the hell I went wrong in life? Shouldn’t I be married or at least in a serious relationship ?

I know I shouldn’t compare myself to my peers, but it does put a different perspective on this situation and how I want something substainal. I want to know that the guy I’m with is very serious about our relationship and in growing together. I’m getting too old for samples and trial memberships.

Maybe I’m  just realizing that I’m lonely…