I’m A Mess.

I’ve had my head in the clouds lately. Sometimes it’s just easier to live my life in this alternative fantasy world where MOST things make sense than to trudge through my actual reality which at times has become strenuous, confusing and an overall mess. Sometimes I feel like I’m watching my life unfold as as a spectator and all I can do is just look on in total disbelief.

Dr. strange

I do this a lot when I don’t want to face the hard truth of things, like how what I want romantically isn’t actually syncing up with what I’m saying and actually doing at the moment.

I had dinner the other night with some of my female friends that I’ve grown fairly fond of in the past few months. I don’t have a great deal of “good” female friends, but these chicks get me. There was no special occasion, just simply getting together to catch up without the guys (mutual friends and baes).

The appearance of one of my friends in the group has been a bit more sparse lately due to her recently getting in a relationship. We’ve all met her guy a time or two and we all “approve” of him for now. He treats her well and she seems happy. While she didn’t occupy a great deal of time talking about him at our dinner, the times she did (briefly) mention him, she looked so happy and that made my entire evening. While I found myself genuinely being happy for my friend, I couldn’t help but to wonder what exactly am I doing with my life? My friend has been seeing her now boyfriend for about the same amount of time that I’ve been dating BF, which definitely hit me like a ton of bricks the other night as I thought about that…

Should I be at that stage? Do I want that? Do I even want that with BF specifically? Eh…

Tune in on next week’s episode of Issa situation…to find out!

For a few weeks now, I’ve definitely come to the conclusion that I want something more out of these interactions I’ve been having. Sure, several months ago (freshly off of heartbreak), I wasn’t interested in anything of substance or long term. My last relationship (I feel) moved entirely too fast in that general direction without allowing me a lot of time to truly assess or even process how I felt or what I even wanted. The period of time between our initial stages of getting to know each other and full blown relationship was super condensed and blurred. It felt like I was watching a car accident in slow motion the entire time and I kept waiting to feel the impact, but was powerless to stop it.

 

Car accident gif

I distinctly remember very early in approaching the entire thing logically and keeping my distance emotionally, but eventually the pool of absurdness and infatuation creeped up on me. It was mostly about how my ex felt, what he wanted and I just joined him along on the whirlwind of a ride because I genuinely liked spending time with him as a person. I found myself mostly doing things he wanted to do or doing things for him instead of for myself, but I wanted to because he was kind and  nurturing. It was like someone took all of the things I strive to be to others and threw it into this guy. He’s probably the nicest and most genuine person I’ve met, but he’s just not “my person”. I felt uneasy during 95% of the relationship because I felt out of control. He was the driver and I could see we were heading full speed ahead towards a cliff, but I felt I needed to balls up and push through because I had, “made a commitment” to be in the relationship (even though it felt slightly forced and rushed). He was the kind of boyfriend that wanted to show off our relationship to the world and told everyone in his life about me in explicit detail very shorty after we met and started dating. Meanwhile, I was more quiet and kept him and the details of our affairs on a “need to know basis” until I felt I was ready to disclose it (my mother found out we were in a relationship by stalking him on FB, since I gave very little details about the “guy I was dating”). The entire thing gave me emotional whiplash (and left me black and blue) after plummeting down that cliff, so after dusting myself off, I decided I wanted to ease back into the “dating pool” in a very casual, non-commitment kind of way and I wanted to take total control over that. Never again did I want to go through that whirlwind BS. I wanted to approach dating from more of an, “maybe I need to date around to figure out what I want”, or “I just want to have fun getting to know someone without the expectation or assumption that we’ll get married someday” perspective.

Simple, right?

On paper, yes…but IRL, dating can be a bit more complex than that at least as time moves on. You fall into habits. Your interests intertwines. You experience things together, but feelings aren’t necessarily stagnant and nothing is promised. Initially things sort of went my way and all was right with the world. I was having my cake and eating it too. I was dating, but not formally feeling required to commit. It was all fun. It was freeing. I had the benefit of doing all of these quasi-relationship things, but on my own terms and with very little responsibility. It was exhilarating. It was liberating…

Now I’m just a bit bored, jaded and cranky. Mostly cranky, haha. What started out as being a lot of lighthearted fun has now become a bit of chore and at times an annoyance and a huge time suck. I don’t particularly find myself being overly excited about any of it anymore, at least not for the reasons I should be. It just interferes with other things that I’d prefer to be doing. It’s become a task that I feel like I need to check off of my “to-do list”. I also find myself being legitimately exasperated if we’re not physically intimate each time we’re together ESPECIALLY if we’re over my place. I’ve never been this person before. Yikes.

This isn’t to say that I don’t like BF or he’s not a great guy (at times a bit silly and a bit reckless, but means well), but any time I try to place him in the role of someone I could see myself actually working towards something more with, the image doesn’t really translate in the way that it should and I get agitated. I’m not sure if he’d jive well with my friends (maybe he would), I’m not sure what my parents would think about him (my dad hates every guy I date–). I don’t know how he’d take knowing that I have anxiety and bouts of depression, I don’t even know if he’d have the patience to understand that sometimes I just need my space and that it’s not personal. It’s like he has the potential to be all of these things, but I would need to trust that he’d take it seriously and trust that I won’t go through the trying experience I went through before. I’m on the defense, like a wounded animal at times, but I hide it all under the facade of being carefree, sweet, charming and “content”. I don’t need anyone, I tell myself, because I don’t. I’m fine on my own, but the idea of having someone there, isn’t necessarily off putting.

I’m that cool chick that doesn’t nag to you about trivial shit. I’m agreeable. I’m easy. I’m not “emotional” (HA), I get it.  I’m like one of the guys…but…you see where this is going, haha. He has no idea any of this is going on in my head, but then again, he’s a smart guy, I’m sure he’s aware that something’s brewing in there. I’m just not sure I feel the level of (emotional) intimacy with him (or anyone right now) to reveal my vulnerability in that way, without appearing weak or needy. Essentially, I’m using our physical intimacy as a replacement for all of that, because who has time for emotions? Who has time to have a soul? No one wants to talk about that uncomfortable shit. It drowns out the conversations we should be having. Our silences, grins, embraces and sounds of satisfaction fill in those gaps. I seek out reasons to be “annoyed” with his actions (some are justified though), to lessen my lukewarm admiration for him, so that I have the upper hand, so that I can back out of this at any time without remorse or regret or too many losses…so that I’m in control.

Jesus. I just psychoanalyzed myself. I’m a mess.

img_5818

Other friends of mine (without fully understanding the finer details of our interactions because I intentionally gloss over talking about BF in a lot of detail–some of them have just now learned his first name) have decided that he’s “practically” my boyfriend based off of “time in”. No, no, no, it doesn’t work that way. Like, at. all. That’s not how any of this works.

I thought about this yesterday evening as we linked up. We had been making plans to see Infinity War for the better part of a week and decided to meet after work (midway between our jobs) to check it out. Even though this would make my third time seeing it, I really wanted to see it with him because he had been excited about it for some time. He paid for our tickets, held my hand, asked about my day, made little jokes to make me laugh….all of those cute little date effects. While, I’m not crazy about movie dates and I’m even less crazy about formalized WEEK night dates, it was good to see him. It’s been about a week and a half since we’ve seen each other due to work, traveling and other obligations and part of dating I guess, is maintaining that momentum of…well…seeing each other? I guess at least we’ve been in touch daily? But is that necessary? If I suddenly decided not to respond to his messages today, would he notice? Would this trigger alarm for him? Would he care to know that I was “ok”?

Obviously, since we were seeing a movie, we were’t able to talk much (outside of before and after), so none of my ridiculous thoughts came up. We small talked mostly (about our work days, the weather, the themes of the movie, being tired…) I just attributed my serious composure to being tired (I was actually very tired). He walked me to my car and  embraced me for a while, before calling it a night to head back to his place to get ready for bed.

Wow. This was much longer than I anticipated…

All in all what it boils down to is that I was burned and while I’ve licked most of my wounds and moved on from it, I’m hell bent on never repeating that situation again. How stupid could I have been? The idea of a genuine relationship seems appealing, but scares me all at the same time. It’s a lot to risk. There are all the what ifs. While I’d eventually like to work towards a relationship, I’m definitely not ready for one now. The trouble is, I’m not sure if the guy I’m dating is “my person” or even the person that I want to work with in moving towards a relationship. I need to figure out what’s more important to me in this moment: Doing casual, quasi-relationship things with someone fun and carefree without responsibility for my actions (or responsibility for his) or starting over again and seeking out a more embedded and complex connection with someone new with the specific intentions of long term, but with the understanding (for them) that it won’t happen overnight.

Hmm…

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Taking on Everyone’s Issues.

The past week has been chaotic both personally and professionally. I am super exhausted and I never even got around to sitting down on my couch until yesterday around 8 p.m. (which resulted in me dosing off like an old cat lady–cat also dosed off).

Work has been a little more stressful than usual and I’ve found myself (again) trying to stretch myself thinly across social/other personal obligations (which has resulted in very little restful sleep). I’ve also been everyone’s person to “vent” their issues to/resolve said issues (lately) and it’s starting to wear heavily on my soul. Imagine my surprise when my anxiety levels have skyrocketed!

For example, last week, three of my friends decided to vent to me about their pending separations/divorces with their spouses/SO.s. Breakups in general are difficult, but divorces, especially those involving property and/or children/pets can become quite messy. I have zero experience in the world of, “divorce” and listening to all of the drama those friends of mine were going through was emotionally draining. I’m not sure if they expected me to “resolve their issues” or just simply listen, so I chose to mostly just listen and wish them well with the outcome. Listening to them ramble has made me seriously never want to get married. It sounds both emotionally draining and expensive from jump AND if things don’t work out.

In addition to the divorce rambles, my ex has been having some difficulties in buying a house and I’ve found myself sucked in to listening (well, reading) his vents about it (and they’ve been super long and descriptive). While I haven’t bought my first home yet (I’m hoping to do that later on this year), I’ve heard from many other friends/family members about how stressful the process can be. He’s told me about how he’s been so stressed out about it that he’s not even sleeping or eating properly. Because I don’t hate him (he’s a good guy and we’re on “good terms”), I’m attempting to be somewhat supportive and at least listen and provide words of encouragement (like my favorite blanket statement of , “I’m sorry all of this has happened, but I truly believe things will work out, just stay positive”). I don’t know what else to say to him really because I don’t know how to “fix” this for him and to be honest, it’s not really my place TO fix this for him either. I’m starting to take on his stress though and it’s causing me to have some weird sleeping habits and also a bit of anxiety about my own future home buying plans. I feel like I’m being kind of a shitty person for not checking in more often to see if he’s ok (he’s mostly volunteering this information and initiating this conversations) especially since he was in a particularly downer mood last Friday, but I don’t know what advice I can really provide him because I have no experience in home buying. Plus, I don’t know IF everything will be ok for him, though I hope that things get better.

I’ve also become everyone’s “go to” to vent about work stress in the office and I don’t know how to fix everyone’s problems/unhappiness. I feel like I’ve been unfairly put in the position to be “little miss sunshine” and spread joy across the office when everyone is “overwhelmed”. I barely have time to knock out everything with my own job, let alone figure someone else’s out…but how do you even say that to someone without coming across cold, unapproachable or inappropriate?  What am I supposed to do when I’m stressed and overwhelmed? I’ve discussed taking a “personal day” with my manager, but I know deep down I’ll most likely be inundated with work issues anyway on my day off no matter how much I legitimately try to relax and decompress.

I think by far though, one of the issues triggering my anxiety the most is having another friend of mine really going through a tough time with his own anxiety/mental illness. I try to be hyper supportive with anyone that struggles with mental illness, but half of the things I find myself saying to him aren’t even things I’m doing regularly myself…like regularly taking (appropriately) prescribed medication, remembering to breathe, taking things one day at a time, not abusing substances as an outlet, etc. I find myself taking it personally when he’s still having a rough/off day, even though I know (a someone who deals with anxiety a well), sometimes  you just have rough days and simply having a support system/friend is what you might need in a specific moment to assure you that things will be ok. He says he feels like a burden (which I can relate, because anxiety basically makes you think you’re insane for “feeling” the way that you feel and it further triggers your anxiety to even talk about it in detail) and he’s not, but again, I can’t “fix it” for him, so I feel like I’m failing at being a supportive friend, even though I know that’s absurd.

I’ve basically decided to turn my phone off today to mostly focus a little better at work, but also to give myself a break from taking on everyone’s issues. I just need a brief break to gather myself.

Anyway, in terms of the anxiety roller coaster, I am on that long uphill journey where you know you’re inching closer and closer to “the drop”.

up hill rollercoaster

 

You feel each metal “clank” as you continue up this path and your chest tightens in anticipation. You know the “drop” is going to be intense, but shortly afterward, you’ll go through some loops and sharp turns, but things will resume back to normal eventually.

It’s a Situation.

Well hey there. It’s been quite a busy week and time has really gotten away from me. Work has been chaotic and being maybe 1 of 3 people in the office that’s been there longer than a year, management has been relying on me heavily to essentially “hold the fort down”, “boost morale”, “hike mt. Everest all while balancing a glass jar on my head”. I’m beat down already and this is only week one of several chaotic weeks ahead leading into our “busy season”. My sleep has already been severely effected, but hey, there’s always coffee, right?

I don’t think I even like coffee, I just drink it because I’m an “adult“.

Maybe it’s the additional stress at work or my fragmented sleeping patterns, but I’ve been thinking a lot (assessing) things with Babyface. As I wrote previously, we have a pretty decent thing going. We get together weekly (usually based on my schedule–because he’ll just suggest “whatever day” works best for me), we go on semi entertaining dates, we laugh/goof around, there’s an appropriate amount of affection and then there’s mind-blowing, back-breaking, can’t-walk-straight-the-next-morning-or-two sex. Ah, yes…but I’m really quick to shut anyone down who gets this situation twisted with assumptions of a relationship. He is not my “man”. He’s a guy I’m “seeing”.

Seems like a pretty sweet deal, right?

Seems like it or so I thought (or at least convinced myself of that). Truth of the matter is, it’s all starting to become a little bit routine. I guess routine isn’t bad, but is this being set up to “go somewhere” or just “coast” in the valley of convenience? Does it matter? Could i take him seriously enough to see him as more ? Part of me feels like he’s been deeply hurt (repeatedly) as well and is probably also extremely hesitant to commit to anything outside of going to work everyday. Understandable. Pulling something like this off isn’t usually my style, but hell, apparently neither is being in a relationship with someone who understands how to communicate their needs when it matters the most (this wasn’t necessarily a jab at Babyface).

Tangent. Sorry.

I’m having fun with Babyface and at times that’s all that I want, but other times, I do miss being in a relationship. I’ve moved beyond missing my ex (most recent or any of them for that matter). I can see clearly and see that things ended for a reason in all of those situations. I just miss the comfort and security of it all, I don’t know. Sometimes it’s nice to “come home to” or “go out with” someone who sees you as their whole world. It’s like I don’t need someone, but it would be nice to have someone in my life like that (again).

Part of me doesn’t legitimately feel like lightning strikes twice…or well, couple two, three, four or five times…like maybe I had the experience and that’s it. I can die knowing what love feels like. How does the saying go, “better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all” Check.

Ha. That’s so pessimistic and I’m not even torn up about it 🤷🏾‍♀️. It’s just hard to see clearly about love at this point. The future looks a bit hazy and bleak. Love is wonderful, but also scary. I’m not sure if I’m really deserving of love right now, because I’m choosing not to really take a lot of things incredibly seriously. I’m also an asshole (almost entirely in my head) and i get weirded out if someone wants to spend every waking moment with me every single day. I’m not a therapist, but I’ve been to therapy enough to know that I’m deflecting how I truly feel if for no other reason to trick myself into thinking i don’t care.

I care…

I want to find that happiness again, I do. And with time, I (am going to think optimistically) will. Maybe and if I don’t, I know what it feels like. In the meantime, I’ve learned a lot about myself over these past few months and just how strong and resilient I truly am. I didn’t know I had it in me, tbh…but I’m here and standing tall.

Babyface and I have a date this evening. He’s taking me to play laser tag/arcade games because I’ve had a stressful week and he thinks that might help me relax. That’s thoughtful. I’m sure he’s sick of me bitching about the chaos of my job though…🙃 being that we’re not in a relationship, he’s technically not even obligated to care.

 

K is for Kindess

I had a chit chat the other day with the ex concerning a potential health scare (that I think I have) that I know he’s been dealing living with for more than 20 years of his life . If you knew him, you’d forget he has this issue because he doesn’t allow it to define him.

Conversation wise, he could have very well ignored me, told me to fuck off or simply dismissed my concerns as being “ridiculous”…but he didn’t. He treated me with genuine respect and kindness. He listened to what I had to say, comforted me through my anxious thoughts (because, anxiety!), shared his perspective on how he deals lives with this health issue and sent loads and loads of information on the matter as well as his specialist’s contact information.

That was super nice of him to do any of that, especially since it required him to do some some googles. After thanking him for the advice and apologizing for the interruption in his day, he said:

Don’t be :). You deserve compassion and kindness, you really do. Keep your head up, (name retracted). Please keep me updated on what you find out.

The kid’s alright in my books. I wish more people would practice kindness in this way. Hell, I wish I was able to be this kind more often. Maybe I should try working on that.

“We Don’t Talk Anymore”

I’m just getting back in from a surprisingly wonderful weekend that I spent with an old ex (not the most recent one). Long story very short, we’ve been “friends” since we stopped being romantically involved several years ago…but not without some strange gray areas, false starts and backslides here and there. We’ve managed to remain as good of friends as much as humanly possible given the circumstances of our untimely demise, (though it took us a good six months to a year to even BEGIN to reestablish a friendship in the aftermath). That side tangent is for another day and time though. Just know it involved some lowkey infidelity and broken trust (and not on my end either).

For the past year and some change we’ve been “strictly platonic”, but mostly out of touch as I found myself in a relationship (then heartache) and he’s been occupied by work travel and whatever else. We saw each other very briefly (for lunch) a few weeks before Christmas (while he was passing through town for a few hours), in the midst of me going through a breakup (so I was mentally and emotionally checked out), but we’ve otherwise not been in touch until my birthday a few weeks ago, where he’s repeatedly invited me down to his place for a weekend for about three weeks straight (I’ve declined each time minus the last time he asked).

we don't talk anymore

I finally took him up on the offer this past weekend. I hadn’t been out of town in a while, so what better excuse than to visit him to make travel moves? Fun fact here, I haven’t been to his city since October of last year when I visited with my ex, without informing him that I was in town or even in a relationship.

whoops

When I arrived Friday night, I was taken back by how much he had changed. I knew he had been eating a little healthier for the past few months, but he looked like a completely different person. He was toned…he looked healthy…he looked happy…he looked REALLY good. He almost resembled what he looked like when first started dating in our mid-20s. He was so adorable back then. I was really caught off guard, but in a good way. Not only had he physically changed, he wasted no time showing off his new ride. He’s always been a muscle car guy though and has shamelessly been PART of the reason we started dating in the first place (because I talked “car talk” with him for hours and he found that to be “impressive”). He even taught me how to drive stick. He previously had a mustang before swapping it out for the Camaro. He definitely knows how to give me lady boners with his choice in cars. The SS is a fucking beast though. Black on black, V-8, 405 horsepower, 20 inch rims, GPS, Sunroof, Spoiler, Backup camera, Wifi, Leather seats, dual climate control, push button start, real time traffic alerts, just to name a FEW features.

Anyway, the entire weekend he seemed different, maybe more present in the moment?Unlike visits in the past, he mostly stayed away from dicking around on his phone and gave me his undivided attention. He even treated for dinner and drinks every place that we went, fixed my laptop (he also works in IT like my most recent ex–apparently I have a “type”) and gave/bought me a new laptop bag because mine was “subpar”. I got the vibe from him that he actually wanted me there and I have to say that it felt nice. It also felt nice to be pampered. One thing that he kept doing that was sort of weird was how he kept gazing at me with this half mooned goofy smile. Sometimes he would do this for several minutes as if he was daydreaming while listening to me talk, watching me eat/drink or just glancing over at me while stopping at traffic lights and walking around. I know that “look” all too well and it’s something I haven’t seen in a good little while. Oh boy…

charlie puth hearts

When I loaded my truck to leave Sunday after brunch, he gave me this long speech about how good it was to have me around, how much fun he had and how he was hoping there wouldn’t be such a long gap between our visits the next time we get together…because “we don’t [seem to] talk anymore”. He also emphasized all of those “feels” via text while I was driving home.

He doesn’t really “text” like that….so that also caught me off guard.

The entire way back I kept thinking about the weekend and how I was absolutely under no circumstances going to go BACK down the dark and desolate road of playing, “TAG, I have a crush on you” with him as we’ve done back and forth (and at times at the same time) over the past few years. It actually took getting in my last relationship to kill off any “lingering” romantic feelings I had left for him and I’ll be damned if any of those are about to resurface over ONE weekend. While on paper we’re a great match, IRL we’re not good for each other in that way. Not to mention, we’ve both changed significantly since then. I’m not even the same person I was when I met him, especially not now. Being romantically him for a year really triggered my anxiety and depression so bad that I had to seek therapy for the first time in my adult life and I’m just getting to a point where I feel better about managing it.

To make the events of the past weekend even more awkward, my mom actually seemed ecstatic that we reconnected and told me she “missed” him visiting because he’d always help with fixing things around the house because he likes to tinker. Um, no ma’am.

No charlie

In other news, I have a pretty crazy week at work, with an equally busy (but fun) weekend ahead, including date plans with Babyface, helping a friend move, a game night and some crazy antics out on the town with friends. I better rest up while I can.

Also, since I stole the title of this blog post from the Charlie Puth song, “we don’t talk anymore”, I might as well link a performance of the song. I think it’s fitting for the contents of this post:

 

Land of Contentment

Life has been chaotic lately, but in a really good way…the kind of way leaves you smiling from ear to ear, laughing until you get cramps and uh feeling the type of pleasure that rumbles the earth underneath you (YAS GAWD–more on this later).

As I mentioned previously, I’m resuming my place in the land of happiness general contentment again. Sure, certain things have evolved and progressed in my life, but moreless, I also think my most recent episode with depression is subsiding just a bit, especially with the warmer weather and longer daylight hours. I believe with depression, you can use coping mechanisms, regularly medicate, talk it out and still feel this black hole of emptiness, especially if something devastating or traumatic occurs unexpectedly to send your already unsettled emotions into a tailspin. I always find myself at times feeling ashamed on this lingering sadness, but depression is a disease and not something I have the ability to ever fully shut off. I can only control ways to cope with it and remind myself that “it’s ok, I’m human”.

One of the more (I guess) funnier or should I say, “interesting” things I’m entertaining as I absorb this new lease on life is dating. I’ve spoken about this quite a bit up here, but in a nutshell it’s going and I’m having fun all while learning a lot about myself and the guy(s) I’m seeing. Like I’ve learned that I’m more of planner and prefer to have an idea about a date/activity a day or more in advance. Unless I’ve been with someone a while and our lives have become intertwined, it triggers my anxiety for a guy to ask what I’m doing THAT night or even several hours before. Even if I’m free, I find myself needing to be in the right mindset. Luckily though, I haven’t had to entertain this too much because most of the time I am actually already tied up by that point.

I’ve also learned (and reminded myself) to not rely or put a great deal of real estate or committment into anyone until they also step up and make their intentions on those things known as well. Right now, I’m not to that point with anyone. I really just find myself in the phase of just having fun and getting to know people and that’s ok. It’s freeing. I’m not in a rush to hop into a relationship (again), because this last situation almost took ya girl smooth out the game.

I had to remind myself of this at the end of last week when I found myself growing increasingly irritated with Babyface over his shitty text message response time. I’ve come to realize he’s always been a shitty texter, but my annoyance with this came to a head last friday when we were literally finalizing the FINER details of our date like 2-3 hours before. In his defense, we had decided earlier that week to go on a date friday (for dinner) and we’d pick the restaurant and time later on in the week. Cool. Literally six-thirty that evening he’s asking me, “Where do you want to eat?” and being the non-confrontational person that I am, started to say, “It doesn’t matter to me, I’m good with what ever…” but i KNEW by saying that it would easily be a several hour exchange going back and forth with like an hour or so in between responses. I finally put my “big girl” pants on and made an executive decision. 8:30. Thai restaurant in ____ shopping center, see you there. Don’t forget to wear pants.

Driving there I was in kind of a shitty mood over it, but I eventually relaxed once met up and put it all behind me. It’s difficult to be mad at him because he looks so innocent. Ha. After dinner we ventured back to my place (not before swinging by the grocery store to pick up beer–which took him 30 MINUTES to decide on which beer to get before I just grabbed a six pack and told him I was going to pay for it so we could make money moves). He claims to be “indecisive”. Once back at my place he sort of made it up to me by cuddling me close while watching t.v. and uh…really taking care of me intimately in hands down probably one of the more (if not THE) top experiences I’ve had to date. He’s starting to get better at this 👍🏽. Yeah, I couldn’t walk normally for a few days…and I just *might* have pulled a muscle, but it’s all good.

Anyway, as we woke up the next morning, with him cuddling me really close, I realized I didn’t really have a place to be annoyed with him by his shitty texting. That’s apparently just who he is and I doubt calling him out on it will make him change. Plus, he’s talkative enough in person and we’re able to coexist with one another in our moments alone and have active lives outside of our interactions. Not to mention, we’re not a couple and (in my mind) this is still very casual. At the very least he responds and keeps a conversation going, just at a slower pace. Alright, whatever…just means I’m going to proceed with planning my life as I want to and he can fit in where there’s space. This current week, I made it a point to stop being as immediately responsive to his texts. I don’t need to jump to respond to everything he says right away. Gotta let his mind wonder… Ha, two can play that game and I’ve practiced responding when I *feel* like it, which has been upwards to 8 hrs, without an apology. I don’t really owe him an apology or an explanation. I don’t find that to be petty, but fair in this situation and if he has a problem with it…

come at me bro

Aside from that, my social calendar has been jam packed with colorful social engagements and I love it. It’s forced me out of my comfort zone (I’m an introvert) and has allowed me to see new places, try new things and continue to bond with friends (old and new). I wouldn’t have it any other way, tbh. I guess I became so cut off socially from the rest of the world in my last relationship, that I’m trying to do everything in my power to keep that from happening again, because it’s not really healthy.

Anywho, I have chicken to make and ass to shake. Looking forward to having a grand time this weekend with all of the random things going on.

Oh and just for the culture, this will never stop being funny. Happy St. Patrick’s Day:

Txt Msgs.

Ok guys. I’ve hate that I even feel the need to rant/vent about this, but it’s driving me crazy and I need to essentially unload a bit….so blogging I will do!

Have you ever noticed how differently people approach text messaging, especially in the realms of specific kind of relationships and even in the different stages of these relationships and how you approach text messaging in various situations influences how you think someone else should approach text messaging too? It’s funny really, but definitely something (depending upon the importance placed on it) that can potentially derail or enhance your “connection” with someone.

So sure. We have all of these rules about face to face communication, how you’re supposed to make eye contact, appear “engaged”, appropriately respond just as much as you contribute in a conversation and use tact, right? And I guess there are some phone etiquette rules, but I don’t care enough to look those up since I rarely even talk on the phone these days. Text messaging to me is still this weird gray area that is tricky to address, because who’s to say what’s right or wrong?

In text messaging, I like to consider myself “responsive” with most friends, family and “others”. I’m able to keep a conversation going and it doesn’t phase me to end the conversation to actively live life or even not be in text message conversations on a daily basis. I use text messaging as a means to catch up, check in, plan, and at times, to get to know people.

I’m rambling on about all of this to say THIS: It is literally driving me crazy texting with babyface. I’ve never labeled him as one of those people that gets engrossed in all day long in mindless text babble, but it’s hugely annoying sometimes the frequency at which he texts. Which is crazy, because his responses are appropriately matched with mine, but his response rate is almost inappropriately slow and disproportionate.

At first, I took this to mean that he was not interested (and I was borderline myself at this point), but like clockwork, he still continues to text me every. single. day. EVERY DAY. with like 2-5 hour time gaps between each message. Again, if these were one worded answers (which alludes to a one sided conversation), I would again think he’s not interested, but he’s usually the one keeping the conversation going believe it or not. Even if I’m lazy and just respond to something he’s asked, he’ll respond to what I said and ask something else. He tells me good morning (occasionally good night if he doesn’t pass out beforehand), asks about my day, follows up on things that I’ve told him (will ask if a co-worker or a project that stressed me out earlier in the week has gotten better), will empathize when I’ve had a bad day, will help solve a problem I’m having (I had serious issues with my truck last week and he gave me advice) etc.  It’s like he’s engaged, but somewhat slowly. And yet, through all of this continues to want to see me and almost always tells me “any day” I want to get together will be “open” (for me).

When we’re together, we have a lot fun. There’s chemistry among other things there. He makes me laugh, we’re attracted to one another and share interests, but I have also noticed that he’s not particularly tied to his phone. I mean, he has it on him and will occasionally use it to look something up if we’re opting to move our dates (used it to buy our movie tickets a few weeks ago before the phone died) to other locations in order to continue them, but that’s it. I mean, that’s great. I think it’s rude when people goof around on their phones while out with someone. He barely references it and even mentioned not really responding to friends of his who had group messaged him one night while we were having dinner. When he stays over my place, he never charges his phone. Ever, but also doesn’t “hide” it or leave it faced down. It usually falls out of his pocket in the midst of…ahem…things we’re doing and he’ll leave it there. He’ll notice it being almost dead and doesn’t ask of I have a charger (because I don’t, he has an android and I have an iphone). I’m not sure if he even brings a charger OVER. I don’t even know if he has one in his truck! He just seems really unbothered in general.

Maybe I’m being an asshole about this, but it’s kind of annoying when someone appears to want to actively talk to you by asking you detailed questions and then taking hours to reply back. I get work (I’m busy at work as well), but after hours, especially when you say you’re lounging around or whatever, is weird to me. Sure, we all fall asleep, have our phones die, etc.  It really makes me not want to continue to text him because it makes me anxious. And sure, if he’s also dating other people I get it. I’m actively dating several other guys, but I’m as responsive as I can be to all of them. I also don’t talk to the others everyday like I do with him (he’s who I am primarily dating), but when we do talk, they’re appropriately responsive.

I’ve even compared this with past guys I’ve dated or been in relationships with. I’ve been all over the spectrum. I have an ex that took DAYS to respond (and then would respond with a one word-one sentence response) and would only be responsive if you CALLED him and my most recent ex was unnaturally responsive 24/7 and would reply in these lonnngggg paragraphs. His text messages (especially early on) would so fucking long and ask all of these questions and include all of this information. While sweet, it used to make my head hurt sometimes and would take more an hour to respond just because I had to comprehend the entire message first and make sure I was appropriately addressing everything he said in the text. Even now though his texts can be semi long, but even still he’s still pretty damn responsive.

Perhaps he’s just not a “phone” person in general. Which might be a good thing. But c’mon dude.

slow texting

Ugggghhh it’s super annoying.

Anyway, we have a date for Friday. I doubt I’ll mention any of this to him because I’m not sure if it’s worth mentioning. It’s not my place to really. Perhaps I’ll just be more limited and less frequent with my responses to his already slow responses. I don’t need to jump to be responsive to someone who probably won’t even respond back for another 3+ hours.

I just looked at my phone and he responded to a text I sent around 8 last night (in response to a text he sent me around 7 p.m. asking me to tell him about my day) around 9 this morning…I may hear from him again around lunch, but most likely not until after 4 or 5 (I’m queuing this one, but I wrote this mid-morning).

Happy F***ing Birthday

Thirty-two, day two. First off, I’d like to apologize, for I was being a mega bitch yesterday. it was three parts PMS, shitty weather and somehow feeling like I needed to be validated on my birthday. My anxiety “hit the quan” yesterday. I was in the pits of emotional hell and I’m happy to report that while I feel like death warmed over (yesterday was a chaotic and crazy day), I feel much better.

The validation ramble had little to do with friends and family. I was overloaded with love yesterday by everyone and I feel blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. I allowed one person to completely send me into a tailspin and that ladies and gents was….drumroll….my ex.

surprise

All joking aside though, that was concerning. Why do I need him to wish me a happy birthday? Why was that important to me when I’m moving on (and have moved on mentally, physically and mostly emotionally). We’re on good terms and I’m very happy for him and his endeavors, but for some reason it really bothered me that he never wished me a happy birthday, when I know he knows when it is. In fact, not even a week into really “dating” him he was able to tell me what day it was, rather or not I was born on a “leap year” (I wasn’t), my exact age, what my zodiac sign was, what my chinese zodiac animal was, my birthday month “personality” and so on, what my time of birth meant. I remember he was so proud of himself for rambling off this information while cooking one evening. Hell, I don’t even know some of that stuff. I’m good to know my zodiac sign and that’s it. Impressive or perhaps he really stalked the shit out of me (we were fb friends by this point) and did his googles? Actually, that’s kind of creepy now that I’m reading that back…

But how hard is it to wish someone a happy birthday really? Takes two seconds and you’ve probably put a smile on their face. Hell, facebook TELLS YOU when it’s someone’s birthday. I try to wish everyone in my life a happy birthday. I personally try to do it through phone or text because I think facebook is impersonal, but the sentiment is still all the same. I even wished an ex before him a happy birthday (his was the week before mine) and he did the same. Took two seconds, he thanked me and we moved on. Another ex of mine even CALLED me yesterday to wish me a happy birthday we were able to have a casual conversation (about cars) and move on. Zero emotion. Bam.

Part of me thinks he intentionally didn’t wish me a happy birthday, perhaps to keep things clean (since he’s an “ex” and I think he knows he really hurt me) and to ensure that his “presence” didn’t derail my day. Plus, by doing so, we’d feel obligated to small talk (even though he usually initiates the small talking whenever we do communicate now, but whatevs *kanye shrug*). Or maybe chucked it out of his mind altogether. It’s cool. I don’t need his validation, bih (yes, this is a word Urban dictionary it). I still managed to have a mildly decent day regardless and I still sincerely wish him all the best. He’s still a great person.

It’s funny how even though we as humans possess all of this strength and resilience, we still have moments like this that make us feel so small and insignificant.

small

I think for me personally it has less to do with my ex specifically (like him as a person) and more to do with the fact that we were’t just acquaintances, we were in a whole ass relationship. This person was once a very integral part of my life as was I in his and although this didn’t last forever, we connected on a deep enough level that I think he would be kind enough to AT LEAST consider the well wishes. He’s always preached this gospel about “being nice to everyone” and “putting kindness out into world,” because “when you’re kind/nice to people, you get the same in return”. Simply acknowledging someone’s day of birth is a KIND thing to do even if you weren’t intimate with them (shit, especially if you WERE).

Wishing someone a “happy birthday”, doesn’t mean you want to hook-up with them, get back together with them or any other twisted manipulate, self-righteous motive. It simply means , “hey, I’m glad that you’re alive, have an awesome day!”.

Update : I was just hit with the, “I logged onto facebook this morning and facebook said yesterday was your birthday….so sorry, distracted by the house hunt…Happy Birthday…well, happy belated birthday!”

Girl, I guess….

Ba1Ydvu.gif

He knew goodness goddamn well yesterday was my birthday without the aid the book of face.

Anyway, enough about that yik yak. I’m dizzy and crampy, but I have a fun night planned with a bus load of friends to kick off this birthday weekend and combined birthday plans with my fellow piscean in “crime” and bedsheets, babyface.

Toodles.

32

I didn’t wake up perky or with a renewed sense of self this morning. It’s cloudy, cold and rainy outside. Staying in bed this morning would have been my preferred option as the weather certainly matches my mood today.

Aside from major car issues (I put my suv in the shop for brake pads and was told basically every fluid that could leak was leaking, my water pump was on the fritz, my engine was making a “grinding noise”, my transmission has “transmission issues”, I need rotors in ADDITION to brakes etc) to the tune of $2,068, I’m not sure what else has me so “blah”. I had sort of been looking forward to this day for a few weeks and now it’s here and very underwhelming. Maybe my depression/anxiety is trying to make an uninvited appearance.

As I usually do (or what I have done every birthday since turning 30), I went to Denny’s for a quiet (free breakfast). I don’t really like Denny’s, but it’s free and it sort of kickstarts the day for me. After breakfast, I stopped by Wal-Mart to pick up flowers for my co-worker (who just started last week), because it’s her birthday as well (she is also in a “blah mood” today so we “bonded” over that). She’s young (right out of college–we went to the same school actually), so I thought that would brighten her day). Usually doing nice things for people brightens my day too, but I only felt a flash of warmth in my heart before kind of returning to this “blah” state of mind that I’m in.

I think part of this weird mood is stemming from validation. I typically don’t NEED daily validation on things. I’m pretty confident in my job, friendships, and other relationships that I have, but my birthday is the one day of the year where I like to be feel validated. I like to feel like I’m a person people genuinely appreciate and care about…and I know that I am…but I guess particularly hearing it, seeing it, hell even feeling it helps ON my brithday helps. I spend 364 days out of the year trying to be as kind, helpful and loyal to the people in my life as I can… I’m not necessarily talking about a parade or other such absurdness, but simply recognizing that it’s my birthday makes me happy and I don’t feel a lot of that this year…Granted I’m going to out tomorrow with a bus load of friends who “know” it’s my birthday (I’m assuming by this point), so maybe I’ll “feel” it there. I guess I shouldn’t gauge my importance based on social media shoutouts or text messages.

In other news I did have the teacher take me out for “fancy” sit down pizza the other night for my birthday, which was so very sweet. He was very kind and kept complimenting me, even though I probably looked like shit since I had been running around all day. I actually ended up having a great time with him. The effort the made there was huge. It will be interesting to see if babyface acknowledges it at all, even though he explicitly knows when it is, since he has his on Sunday and we just had this conversation last week. I don’t doubt that we’ll talk back and forth today and he won’t even mention it. I’m not really expecting much from him on that and maybe I shouldn’t. Although nice and respectful, he seems very suppressed in his emotions in general.

Update:: as I published this, babyface DID remember and sent me a really sweet and encouraging text 🙂

Speaking of which, another guy that I’ve seen twice (never wrote about), before deciding that I didn’t want to proceed any further with him (and told him this), reamed me in a text message at like 6 this morning. I guess he really needed to get his emotions out. More on our conversation here. His utter inappropriateness so early REALLY infuriated me and the fact that followed up that text with a dozen others basically reiterating what the first one said was enough for me to want to be really ugly to him in return, but maturity. He’s about three text messages away from getting BLOCKED because I’m tired of repeating myself.

*sigh*

Well, the silver lining here is I’m only working a few hours today before taking off to hopefully enjoy the rest of my day. That alone should do wonders for my mood.

*fingers corssed*

PS: One of my co-workers just popped her head in my office to tell me she has a stomach virus and touched all over my desk and door.

Chris tucker.gif

Stretch Yourself, Girl

I’m so happy this week is coming to a close. It’s been busy both socially and professionally, but I learned my lesson from last week in that it’s always important to listen to my body, protect my peace and allow myself down days/mental health days when needed.

Last night I had another date with the teacher. This date had been rescheduled from Sunday when I was, “sick” (mentally exhausted). On my way to meet him, I was slammed with requests from other friends to “hangout”. Three friends back to back in fact, including the guy from Vday (which reminds me, I need to write a post about him). While flattering, I didn’t want to cancel on the teacher again and declined all of the offers.  I can’t remember being in this high demand like…ever. I even have all of these “engagements” tonight and had to decline on like two for tomorrow. I’m this average person. I wasn’t even this popular in my 20s. What is this even? Am I on punk’d?

punk'd 2

The teacher and I originally had plans to eat at this trendy southern place downtown (since we both spoke about how we like BBQ the last time we met), but once we got there, we realized it was closed for a private event. Just great. Since we were kind of anchored downtown (he actually paid $10 to park in a garage, while I parked a few blocks away for free.99!), we opted for this little taco spot instead (which btw, tmi, but those tacos from last night have my stomach doing the running man this morning. I can’t eat at that place anymore). It was dive barish and tacky, but near the college up the street, so it was understandable. We both ordered margaritas (since it was national margarita day) and spent an hour or two talking about our weeks. I felt bad, because it had been so long since our last encounter, that I was having trouble remembering some details about him. Like I remembered things like what he did, that he was in the army, that he liked both dogs AND cats, that he had family a few hours away etc. But I kept forgetting things like he enjoyed board games–which is a hobby we actually share. I would forget the that. I think casually dating several guys at the same time is putting a lot of strain on my short term memory (but it is also helping me pace myself and not become emotionally attached to anyone too soon). Anyway, the date went ok, he walked me back to my car and said we should do it again. He even followed up with a text message later on that evening saying the same thing. I’m so jaded though that I never take any of that to face value. I mean, just this situation alone was enough for me to not to put stock in anything anyone you’re casually dating says. People basically say shit to say it, I’m convinced. Hell, I do it sometimes. Pssh. I don’t know. I like him, but I may lead too much of a crazy life for him. He seems more calm and reserved. We’ll see.

Speaking of dates and plans, I have plans with baby face this weekend. Aside from our first date, all of our others have basically been, “We’re going to start the night at this place, but we’ll plan all of our other rendezvous from there.” This has worked out fine, because it can get complicated to plan TOO much too soon. I do appreciate that he at least sort of tag teams with me on planning though unlike this guy. I did offer to make him dinner Saturday because he mentioned really craving “street tacos” and I feel guilty that he’s been dropping all of these coins lately on dinners (even though he doesn’t seem to mind–I did take care of our $45 drink tab last week, but I wanted to…but still). Do I like to cook? Not really. Am I good at cooking? I haven’t set myself on fire (yet)…I’m ok. Ha, to be honest, I got really spoiled with my ex, because cooking was his *thing*. He did this really well. Ain’t nobody out here cooking better than him, *kevin hart voice* I promise you, boo-boo. Gotta give credit where it is due. But now that I think about it, he may have just been using me as a guinea pig to make these elaborate dishes just to see if he could do it. That food still hit though, I’m not gonna lie.

drooling

In fact, when we were together, I rarely had to even buy groceries, because he’d cook for me so much, which was sweet, because I’m lazy (but I would bake for him and from scratch) . Ha, so being the one cooking this go ’round should be interesting. I’m going to steal borrow one of those taco recipes he used. Because again. Lazy here. Hopefully I don’t give him (baby face) food poisoning or set my house on fire in the process. I definitely won’t be sharing the same bowl that raw chicken sat in for the cooked chicken though. That’s an automatic deal breaker or as baby face would say, “hard pass”. Aside from dinner and maybe a movie out, we’ll see what else becomes of the evening.

On another note, I’ve been tossing around the idea of inviting baby face to a birthday dinner I’m having with friends next friday. Last time I counted, about 20 friends of mine will be there, probably more? Through conversation, he mentioned that his birthday is three days after mine, which means we actually share a birthday weekend, haha. I go back and forth on this decision, because this guy is not my “boyfriend” and I’m really trying to keep this “casual” for now to see where it goes and what becomes of it. I’m not sure if I really want to introduce someone to my clique that I’m casually–nomnom…*jamaican air horn toot*…er… — On the other hand, I feel like it would be rude of me NOT to invite him, since it’s also his birthday and I probably spend close to the amount of time with him that I do with some of my other friends that will be there…So I don’t know. I just worry about how I would introduce him to friends that really haven’t heard of him? Because they will equally be like, dude wtf.

“Oh, this is baby face, he’s my….uh…you see we…I…well…–What’s that over there?!”

distraction.gif

 

I don’t want to introduce him as a “friend” because that might be insulting, but he’s not my—ugh…and we’re back at square one all over again. I’m sure I’ll figure it out. I guess I can at least mention it to him to see if he even wants to go. He may be too overwhelmed by that, to be honest. Hell, I’m overwhelmed and it’s my own birthday dinner. I didn’t even realize I had this many friends until recently. Shit. Who knew?

Again…Where is my emotional support peacock? Does he do appointments…? Srsly u guise

peacock