The Transparent Sweet Home

I’ve been fairly neglectful in writing lately. Part of it has been due to being legitimately busy and the other part is just due to my inability to organize my thoughts enough to get them on the page. Whenever I’m frantic or anxious, this becomes the most difficult task.

The last couple of weeks (months?) have been wonderful. I turned 33 (last month) and despite The teacher being out-of-town on business, I managed to bring it in with a bang with my crew.

fake happy

My birthday seems to always be an excuse to completely let loose. While I really missed the teacher on my big day (he had flowers delivered to my job on the day of, I guess as a way to ‘make it up to me’), I would be lying if I didn’t say it was somewhat freeing to be out with my friends without having to worry about how late it was getting, how crowded wherever we ventured off to was, etc. I love The teacher with all of my heart and soul (I really do), but he occasionally gets anxious around larger groups of my friends, even though he’s met them all several times and they all openly love him too. I can understand his anxiety, as I often don’t like to surround myself with large groups of people I either know through someone or people who I don’t know very well to begin with, but at times trying to find the balance in catering to his needs, my own needs and my friend’s needs can be tricky. I’ve tried to be respectful of this whenever we do go out, but at times, I feel like I have to “clock watch” (which he usually assures me that I don’t even though I know very deep down he’s freaking out and is trying to be nice, which I appreciate, but he doesn’t have to do). I then feel bad for my friends, because I haven’t been as “present” with things these past few weeks and I’ve always said I wasn’t going to be that person. More on this later though…

waiting

One of the things occupying the majority of my attention and energy has been house hunting (renting). Several months ago, the teacher and I decided that we were at that point of our relationship where we were ready to move in together. Of course, neither one of us was over the moon with our current dwellings, so we figured we’d even the playing field and find a new place together.

I’ll admit, when we had that initial conversation over a romantic dinner, I wasn’t quite sure how this was going to go…Not the actual living together piece, but getting to the point of actually finding a place in our time frame (which has shifted up to an earlier date since the initial conversation). The real estate market here is brutal, even for rentals. Here today, gone tomorrow. Sometimes in even hours! It doesn’t leave much room for lingering around on a decision and the Teacher and I both have a bad habit of over thinking and being indecisive.

For starters, we never really had a transparent and open decision about our specific needs or preferences in a house. We both have this really bad habit of people pleasing and compromising in order to not be “selfish”, but what this mentality does when it comes to something as serious as the roof over your head it starts to make you feel like you’re settling for something you may or may be happy with in the long-term and it builds up resentment that will eventually come out in perhaps not the most appropriate or tactful way. Don’t get me wrong, we spoke about basic preferences (price, number of beds/baths, yard space, one-mult story, etc), but we never emphasized more meaningful needs such a work commutes, proximity to POIs, room size (as in, what we planned do with any additional rooms that were not our bedroom) and so on. We ended having an open discussion about it one night and we’ve worked better as a team ever since.

Another thing we kind of messed up on was not legitimately starting the search until maybe the middle of last month and even then the Teacher was somewhat hesitant because he felt like we were “looking too early” for a late April/early May move in (which I get), but the more we looked, the more we noticed how quickly things were going and this became frustrating.  We were also “off task” fairly frequently. A few weeks ago, we planned to sit down TOGETHER to look up homes online and after an hour of semi-serious looking, we decided that we were more interested in each other than researching homes. We obviously didn’t decide on any homes that evening.

shhhhhhh

A week or more passed and we continued to search, but separately by sharing home postings through various home shopping apps/websites. What about this one, how about that one? We probably exchanged over ten emails to one another everyday just on houses. I also tried to make more of an effort to reassure him that it was perfectly ok if he didn’t like a house and that it wouldn’t be the end of the world if we skipped over it.

And then there were all of the back and forth emails with the owners/management companies with follow-up questions they failed to disclose in their listings and the possibility of showing the home during a time that was convenient to BOTH of our schedules.

Another week passed and he took my reassurance a little too literally and started being ridiculously nitpicky (which hey, if you’re going to live somewhere, you should like it, right?), but almost to point of not keeping an open mind and considering our looming deadline. This actually agitated me to the point of addressing it once he asked to cancel a showing of a home we had agreed to tour HOURS before we were due to meet with the owner (I think this was our very first “argument”, even though there was no yelling and we mostly came to an agreement via text message).

we don't talk anymore

It got to a point where I stopped aggressively looking for a few days and allowed him to just send me things that he liked. I turned off all of the house hunting notifications on my phone and unsubscribed from the daily email updates. I wanted him to see how hard and time-consuming house hunting can actually be when you’re putting in actual TIME and ENERGY to do it (Yes, I need to work on not being passive). I think he got the message.

welp

Finally, two weeks ago we had an appointment for a home viewing for a home that we both mostly liked. The teacher wasn’t crazy about the commute (the home was about 7 minutes from my apartment, which meant an additional 10 minute commute for him), but he managed to keep an open mind about it all as we toured. Seeing the place in person and walking around from room to room discussing (hypothetically) how we would use that space was surreal. After the tour, we took the weekend to openly and transparently discuss our options and decided to apply for the home and we GOT IT. WE GOT THE HOUSE.

yasssss gif

To say I’m excited is an understatement. Knowing that we’ve found a place to live with about two weeks to spare in our deadline takes a huge weight off of my shoulders. We took another tour of the house the last week we dropped off our deposit and knowing that this time we were ACTUALLY going to be living there meant so much more.

It’s now crunch time as we start preparations to move! There’s so much to do and the month is already flying. Because the Teacher’s lease ends about two months before mine, he’s going to formally move first (at the end of this month) and I’ll move some things of mine that we’ll both need in the interim (washer and dryer, a mattress my family is giving us, a t.v. for our living room, some kitchen items, etc). I plan to formally move all of my things by the end of May/first week of June, giving me about three weeks to clean up my old place before I turn in my keys.

All in all I’m very excited, but I know we still have a lot to do. I also know we’re both going to have to work on being more transparent and timely in communicating our preferences (when necessary) and compromising on things that don’t always need to go our way (he told me he didn’t like the toilet paper I buy, I told him I didn’t like stepping out of his shower without there being bathmats on the floor–who raised you???).

come at me bro

 

We don’t tend to have this issue very often now, but then again we’ve never lived together either. A lot of our minor stumbles and misunderstandings so far have just come from neither one of us having experience living with a significant other or simply not being all that transparent in preferences. Sure, we’ve both lived with friends, roommates and family, but never with a love interest. This will definitely be an adventure for the both of us.

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Passed The Test?

Per usual, I overextended myself this past weekend and never quite caught up on sleep that I lost in the previous week/weekend, but this wasn’t just any run of the mill overly social weekend, it was The Teacher‘s 30th birthday weekend and I really wanted to make him feel really special because he deserved it…annnndddd…I just really love celebrating people’s birthdays.

Since he and I had, had some solo time a few days before the actual day, he asked if it would be ok if I basically spent the entire afternoon/evening with him and his friends, to which I was perfectly fine with. His friends (who we had brunch with the week prior) coordinated a game afternoon of sorts. While his friends are very different from mine (they’re a little more calm, maybe a bit more reserved and way more sophisticated)  I’ve gotten used to them and I can tell they really care a lot about him, which I think is very sweet. They seemed just as excited about his birthday as I was, which was far more excited than The Teacher was. I think he was mostly just excited to have an excuse to day drink the bottle of Scotch I bought him, because birthday!

Shortly after arriving, his other two friends (the married couple) arrived with a gang of snacks in tow. I’m talking groceries from Whole Foods, bih! The couple that was hosting (the engaged couple) had a plate of cheese, lunch meat and bowl of pretzels, but this couple upstaged them in their own house, which was kind of funny. We all stood around in the kitchen as they unpacked their bags. We had dinner plans later that evening, so I was confused as to why they felt the need to bring so much food until they unpacked bag #3 and handed me chicken jerky, halo top ice cream and two different kinds of cheese sticks (I ate the cheese sticks before snapping a photo).

 

The Teacher mentioned that you were doing Keto and we’ve both done it and we know it sucks when you don’t have many choices of things to eat, so we brought you keto snacks so that’d you have something to eat too because he says you often don’t think of yourself and sometimes you forget to eat.”

Ya’ll. YA’LL!

I don’t know if it was the alcohol (I had downed a drink on an empty stomach), the exhaustion (I had stayed up til 3 a.m. frosting birthday cupcakes I made for him), my blood sugar (I had actually forgotten to eat that morning) or just genuine flattery from the nice gesture, but that really warmed my heart and gave me that burning sensation you get when you feel like you’re about to shed (happy) tears. They in no way needed to do that, but the fact that they took time (and money) to think enough of me to bring me food was sooooo sweet. I was very appreciative of the love.

charlie puth hearts

Shortly after snack time we got started playing board games. Now I like board games and my friends and I have game nights fairly frequently, but The Teacher and his (guy) friends like some SUPER complex board games–games I’ve never even fucking heard of, but in the handful of times I’ve played with them now, I’ve faked tried to be a good sport and at least pretended to really enjoy and understand the game. I didn’t realize I wasn’t alone in this foolery until the girls (the wife and fiancee) asked for my cellphone number so we could group text about how much we hated whatever game we were playing. It was kind of a relief that I wasn’t alone in feeling that way and to my knowledge, the guys never even noticed that we were communicating with one another.

who run the world

During the board game, the Teacher would periodically show affection. He’d gently rub my back or place his arm around me or on my leg, he’d even kiss me here and there, but nothing overly inappropriate, just brief and sweet expressions of affection. I typically don’t like a great deal of PDA, but since we were in a more intimate setting with friends of his that were also in (more serious) relationships, it felt natural. I’d say 3/4 of my “friend group” are single(ish), so doing relationship-y things in their presence would feel strange–at least at first…which is part of my apprehension for integrating The Teacher into my friend group, but I have some smaller things planned in the coming week with friends of mine that are in relationships.

Anyway, at one point his friend’s fiancee felt the need to stand on a soap box to talk about how “FUCKING CUTE” she thought we were being and how happy she was for us and how apparently when we first started dating he showed them a photo of me and they thought and STILL think I’m beautiful and how much they LOVE me and so on…It was sweet to hear all of the kind words, even though most of these compliments were coming from the most sauced up person at the table. Everyone seemed to agree with her though. Cheers. I felt like I passed some sort of test with that declaration.

scotch

Shortly after her table speech (and adding me as her facebook friend), she asked why he and I were not “facebook official”, to which we both admitted to having the “facebook discussion”, but that both of us were too lazy to ever login to facebook and use it on a regular basis, so it never became a priority to even be facebook friends, let alone publicly display that we’re in a relationship with one another. This honestly hadn’t crossed my mind since talking to my friend’s boyfriend a few weeks back where he also admitted that they weren’t facebook friends either. In time when we both stop being lazy, I’m sure we’ll eventually become facebook friends to never tag each other in photos, statuses or even each other’s walls–is it still called wall?

no idea

We ended up downtown some time later for dinner and while the Teacher was quite sauced, he was more of a goofy, free spirited, I-still-have-my-shit-together, kind of sauced. The kind of intoxication peak that most people hit right before everything goes south (luckily he never went south). He was happy and I could tell he was genuinely enjoying everyone’s company and that made my heart smile. His cute little acts of affection continued throughout the night and I was surprisingly not entirely weirded out by it.

We ended the evening well after 2 a.m. back at his place just enjoying a few low energy moments together before being old and crawling into bed. He continued to express how appreciative he was for everything I had done, as he knew I really made a huge effort for him! It felt great to hear that from him, because I really wanted him to have a good birthday and practically stressed myself out over it, when he’s really a simple person that doesn’t require or ask for much.

For the first time since we’ve been seeing each other, I actually allowed myself to lazily sleep until noon (he normally does this with no problem at all). My anxiousness around him is starting to fade. I feel a level of comfort with him now that I haven’t felt with someone in a really long time and it feels amazing. It feels wonderful to wake up next to this person and knowfeel that they genuinely care about you…

Ugggh, what is all of this sugary sweet babble even???

And to think, I almost let this pass me by because I was being stupid and blind (not that being blind equates stupidity, because it doesn’t).

 

 

Mr. Swagoo

So I’ve been meaning to write a follow up post about dude from valentine’s day, let’s just call him, “mr. swagoo”. As I mentioned in that post, I was instantly drawn to him because he was so cool. He’s traveled to all of these amazing places, seemed really smart, was very well put together, dressed very professionally and was very kind and non judgemental to everyone. Talking to him seemed to come second nature to me and we spent hours in a bar valentine’s day chatting, which sealed our solid friendship.

Fast Forward several weeks and we’ve even gone out a few times (solo) as friends. One Saturday night, he took me to a concert downtown. It was kind of a lame concert (a friend of his got free tickets and gave them to him), but it was still fun being there with him and cracking jokes about everything around us.

Friday night I had a huge gathering for my birthday at this local Mexican restaurant and he came out despite not really knowing any of my other friends, which I thought was sweet, especially since we’ve known each other MAYBE three and a half weeks. He immediately integrated in with everyone as if he had known them all for years and even really hit it off with another good friend that I recently met a week or two coming off of the break-up. He “worked the room” much better than I did (after a  while, I became too drunk and overwhelmed to really move around like that and just sort of allowed people to come to me).

After chatting with everyone, he came back over to me and bought me a few drinks (he his a jack and coke, old fashion or bourbon neat sort of guy–classy). The way he sat close to me and placed his hand on mine as we chatted caused me to tune everyone else out and tune into to him exclusively. He tuned everyone out as well and focused just on me. We talked about getting together in the coming week for dinner and HIS birthday dinner the following weekend (which he invited me to the same night that we met). He left towards the end of the dinner as my other friends started talking about making plans to venture downtown. He gave me this huge bear hug and told me to text him. He explicitly also asked me to text him later to let him know I made it home ok too (after the tomfoolery downtown with friends). As the responsible adult that he is, he mentioned needing to get some rest so he could tend to his yard work in the morning.  He owns his own house about five minutes down the road from my townhome (which I am renting-eek) and I found out through conversation that he owns a corvette (o__o) as a second car. Clearly I’m not living my best life, folks.

After his departure, one of my lifelong best friends (who was also there) made a comment to me about how nice mr. swagoo seemed and even asked if there was something going on between us.

hmmm

At first I found this funny until I actually thought about it (in my drunken mind) and how I may have been unintentionally friendzoning him. Oops. I thought back to all of the times he asked to “hangout” and how half of those times I declined in order to dick around with friends or the guys HALF his worth I’ve been dating. I thought about how he always texts me and how responsive, funny and very kind he is in his texts. I thought about how well we clicked that night we met and how non-judgemental he is. I thought about how I’ve seen numerous examples of how sweet and thoughtful he is…and I thought about how nice he dressed.

Why have I been blind to this?! Have I really spent this many weeks in a consistent drunken haze that I haven’t noticed?!

I think what it boils down to (and I did a tweet thread about this last weekend) is that I’m so used to having guy friends that I often don’t think twice about it. I just assume if I met a guy under the realm of a friendly environment, friends we sha’ll be! I rarely stop to think, “maybe this guy quite possibly may want to be all up in my guts…or in the very least, might want to entertain getting to know me beyond friends”. It literally takes a guy shaking me and shouting that he wants to date me sometimes in order for me to realize these things. This might also have something to do with self esteem (although much better than years past) and how I don’t really believe I’m anyone’s “type” or truly believe guys when they tell me they like or me that I’m beautiful. Yeah I know, this is wild. I’m working through this.

I’m not saying this guy is any of those things and for all I know maybe he’s just really nice and enjoys my company just as I enjoy his. I will say that my eyes are open now and I’m starting to pay a little bit more attention to him. I’d like to get to know him more, even if it’s as friends. He had my curiosity, now he has my attention. He’s not even my “type”, which might be perfect, because clearly my “type” hasn’t been working out so well these last few years. I realized this weekend that I find him to be extremely sexy. He just has swag out of this atmosphere and I want to be around the good vibes he’s putting off.

Anyway, I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself here, I just plan to be a bit more on alert than before. I’m fine being friends with him because he’s unlike anyone else in my life right now and I think he offers a different perspective on life. He’s allowing me to reconsider what I want out of life and how maybe I’m holding back just a bit on some of my goals and dreams.

 

Happy F***ing Birthday

Thirty-two, day two. First off, I’d like to apologize, for I was being a mega bitch yesterday. it was three parts PMS, shitty weather and somehow feeling like I needed to be validated on my birthday. My anxiety “hit the quan” yesterday. I was in the pits of emotional hell and I’m happy to report that while I feel like death warmed over (yesterday was a chaotic and crazy day), I feel much better.

The validation ramble had little to do with friends and family. I was overloaded with love yesterday by everyone and I feel blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. I allowed one person to completely send me into a tailspin and that ladies and gents was….drumroll….my ex.

surprise

All joking aside though, that was concerning. Why do I need him to wish me a happy birthday? Why was that important to me when I’m moving on (and have moved on mentally, physically and mostly emotionally). We’re on good terms and I’m very happy for him and his endeavors, but for some reason it really bothered me that he never wished me a happy birthday, when I know he knows when it is. In fact, not even a week into really “dating” him he was able to tell me what day it was, rather or not I was born on a “leap year” (I wasn’t), my exact age, what my zodiac sign was, what my chinese zodiac animal was, my birthday month “personality” and so on, what my time of birth meant. I remember he was so proud of himself for rambling off this information while cooking one evening. Hell, I don’t even know some of that stuff. I’m good to know my zodiac sign and that’s it. Impressive or perhaps he really stalked the shit out of me (we were fb friends by this point) and did his googles? Actually, that’s kind of creepy now that I’m reading that back…

But how hard is it to wish someone a happy birthday really? Takes two seconds and you’ve probably put a smile on their face. Hell, facebook TELLS YOU when it’s someone’s birthday. I try to wish everyone in my life a happy birthday. I personally try to do it through phone or text because I think facebook is impersonal, but the sentiment is still all the same. I even wished an ex before him a happy birthday (his was the week before mine) and he did the same. Took two seconds, he thanked me and we moved on. Another ex of mine even CALLED me yesterday to wish me a happy birthday we were able to have a casual conversation (about cars) and move on. Zero emotion. Bam.

Part of me thinks he intentionally didn’t wish me a happy birthday, perhaps to keep things clean (since he’s an “ex” and I think he knows he really hurt me) and to ensure that his “presence” didn’t derail my day. Plus, by doing so, we’d feel obligated to small talk (even though he usually initiates the small talking whenever we do communicate now, but whatevs *kanye shrug*). Or maybe chucked it out of his mind altogether. It’s cool. I don’t need his validation, bih (yes, this is a word Urban dictionary it). I still managed to have a mildly decent day regardless and I still sincerely wish him all the best. He’s still a great person.

It’s funny how even though we as humans possess all of this strength and resilience, we still have moments like this that make us feel so small and insignificant.

small

I think for me personally it has less to do with my ex specifically (like him as a person) and more to do with the fact that we were’t just acquaintances, we were in a whole ass relationship. This person was once a very integral part of my life as was I in his and although this didn’t last forever, we connected on a deep enough level that I think he would be kind enough to AT LEAST consider the well wishes. He’s always preached this gospel about “being nice to everyone” and “putting kindness out into world,” because “when you’re kind/nice to people, you get the same in return”. Simply acknowledging someone’s day of birth is a KIND thing to do even if you weren’t intimate with them (shit, especially if you WERE).

Wishing someone a “happy birthday”, doesn’t mean you want to hook-up with them, get back together with them or any other twisted manipulate, self-righteous motive. It simply means , “hey, I’m glad that you’re alive, have an awesome day!”.

Update : I was just hit with the, “I logged onto facebook this morning and facebook said yesterday was your birthday….so sorry, distracted by the house hunt…Happy Birthday…well, happy belated birthday!”

Girl, I guess….

Ba1Ydvu.gif

He knew goodness goddamn well yesterday was my birthday without the aid the book of face.

Anyway, enough about that yik yak. I’m dizzy and crampy, but I have a fun night planned with a bus load of friends to kick off this birthday weekend and combined birthday plans with my fellow piscean in “crime” and bedsheets, babyface.

Toodles.

32

I didn’t wake up perky or with a renewed sense of self this morning. It’s cloudy, cold and rainy outside. Staying in bed this morning would have been my preferred option as the weather certainly matches my mood today.

Aside from major car issues (I put my suv in the shop for brake pads and was told basically every fluid that could leak was leaking, my water pump was on the fritz, my engine was making a “grinding noise”, my transmission has “transmission issues”, I need rotors in ADDITION to brakes etc) to the tune of $2,068, I’m not sure what else has me so “blah”. I had sort of been looking forward to this day for a few weeks and now it’s here and very underwhelming. Maybe my depression/anxiety is trying to make an uninvited appearance.

As I usually do (or what I have done every birthday since turning 30), I went to Denny’s for a quiet (free breakfast). I don’t really like Denny’s, but it’s free and it sort of kickstarts the day for me. After breakfast, I stopped by Wal-Mart to pick up flowers for my co-worker (who just started last week), because it’s her birthday as well (she is also in a “blah mood” today so we “bonded” over that). She’s young (right out of college–we went to the same school actually), so I thought that would brighten her day). Usually doing nice things for people brightens my day too, but I only felt a flash of warmth in my heart before kind of returning to this “blah” state of mind that I’m in.

I think part of this weird mood is stemming from validation. I typically don’t NEED daily validation on things. I’m pretty confident in my job, friendships, and other relationships that I have, but my birthday is the one day of the year where I like to be feel validated. I like to feel like I’m a person people genuinely appreciate and care about…and I know that I am…but I guess particularly hearing it, seeing it, hell even feeling it helps ON my brithday helps. I spend 364 days out of the year trying to be as kind, helpful and loyal to the people in my life as I can… I’m not necessarily talking about a parade or other such absurdness, but simply recognizing that it’s my birthday makes me happy and I don’t feel a lot of that this year…Granted I’m going to out tomorrow with a bus load of friends who “know” it’s my birthday (I’m assuming by this point), so maybe I’ll “feel” it there. I guess I shouldn’t gauge my importance based on social media shoutouts or text messages.

In other news I did have the teacher take me out for “fancy” sit down pizza the other night for my birthday, which was so very sweet. He was very kind and kept complimenting me, even though I probably looked like shit since I had been running around all day. I actually ended up having a great time with him. The effort he made there was huge. It will be interesting to see if babyface acknowledges it at all, even though he explicitly knows when it is, since he has his on Sunday and we just had this conversation last week. I don’t doubt that we’ll talk back and forth today and he won’t even mention it. I’m not really expecting much from him on that and maybe I shouldn’t. Although nice and respectful, he seems very suppressed in his emotions in general.

Update:: as I published this, babyface DID remember and sent me a really sweet and encouraging text 🙂

Speaking of which, another guy that I’ve seen twice (never wrote about), before deciding that I didn’t want to proceed any further with him (and told him this), reamed me in a text message at like 6 this morning. I guess he really needed to get his emotions out. More on our conversation here. His utter inappropriateness so early REALLY infuriated me and the fact that followed up that text with a dozen others basically reiterating what the first one said was enough for me to want to be really ugly to him in return, but maturity. He’s about three text messages away from getting BLOCKED because I’m tired of repeating myself.

*sigh*

Well, the silver lining here is I’m only working a few hours today before taking off to hopefully enjoy the rest of my day. That alone should do wonders for my mood.

*fingers corssed*

PS: One of my co-workers just popped her head in my office to tell me she has a stomach virus and touched all over my desk and door.

Chris tucker.gif

Stretch Yourself, Girl

I’m so happy this week is coming to a close. It’s been busy both socially and professionally, but I learned my lesson from last week in that it’s always important to listen to my body, protect my peace and allow myself down days/mental health days when needed.

Last night I had another date with the teacher. This date had been rescheduled from Sunday when I was, “sick” (mentally exhausted). On my way to meet him, I was slammed with requests from other friends to “hangout”. Three friends back to back in fact, including the guy from Vday (which reminds me, I need to write a post about him). While flattering, I didn’t want to cancel on the teacher again and declined all of the offers.  I can’t remember being in this high demand like…ever. I even have all of these “engagements” tonight and had to decline on like two for tomorrow. I’m this average person. I wasn’t even this popular in my 20s. What is this even? Am I on punk’d?

punk'd 2

The teacher and I originally had plans to eat at this trendy southern place downtown (since we both spoke about how we like BBQ the last time we met), but once we got there, we realized it was closed for a private event. Just great. Since we were kind of anchored downtown (he actually paid $10 to park in a garage, while I parked a few blocks away for free.99!), we opted for this little taco spot instead (which btw, tmi, but those tacos from last night have my stomach doing the running man this morning. I can’t eat at that place anymore). It was dive barish and tacky, but near the college up the street, so it was understandable. We both ordered margaritas (since it was national margarita day) and spent an hour or two talking about our weeks. I felt bad, because it had been so long since our last encounter, that I was having trouble remembering some details about him. Like I remembered things like what he did, that he was in the army, that he liked both dogs AND cats, that he had family a few hours away etc. But I kept forgetting things like he enjoyed board games–which is a hobby we actually share. I would forget the that. I think casually dating several guys at the same time is putting a lot of strain on my short term memory (but it is also helping me pace myself and not become emotionally attached to anyone too soon). Anyway, the date went ok, he walked me back to my car and said we should do it again. He even followed up with a text message later on that evening saying the same thing. I’m so jaded though that I never take any of that to face value. I mean, just this situation alone was enough for me to not to put stock in anything anyone you’re casually dating says. People basically say shit to say it, I’m convinced. Hell, I do it sometimes. Pssh. I don’t know. I like him, but I may lead too much of a crazy life for him. He seems more calm and reserved. We’ll see.

Speaking of dates and plans, I have plans with baby face this weekend. Aside from our first date, all of our others have basically been, “We’re going to start the night at this place, but we’ll plan all of our other rendezvous from there.” This has worked out fine, because it can get complicated to plan TOO much too soon. I do appreciate that he at least sort of tag teams with me on planning though unlike this guy. I did offer to make him dinner Saturday because he mentioned really craving “street tacos” and I feel guilty that he’s been dropping all of these coins lately on dinners (even though he doesn’t seem to mind–I did take care of our $45 drink tab last week, but I wanted to…but still). Do I like to cook? Not really. Am I good at cooking? I haven’t set myself on fire (yet)…I’m ok. Ha, to be honest, I got really spoiled with my ex, because cooking was his *thing*. He did this really well. Ain’t nobody out here cooking better than him, *kevin hart voice* I promise you, boo-boo. Gotta give credit where it is due. But now that I think about it, he may have just been using me as a guinea pig to make these elaborate dishes just to see if he could do it. That food still hit though, I’m not gonna lie.

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In fact, when we were together, I rarely had to even buy groceries, because he’d cook for me so much, which was sweet, because I’m lazy (but I would bake for him and from scratch) . Ha, so being the one cooking this go ’round should be interesting. I’m going to steal borrow one of those taco recipes he used. Because again. Lazy here. Hopefully I don’t give him (baby face) food poisoning or set my house on fire in the process. I definitely won’t be sharing the same bowl that raw chicken sat in for the cooked chicken though. That’s an automatic deal breaker or as baby face would say, “hard pass”. Aside from dinner and maybe a movie out, we’ll see what else becomes of the evening.

On another note, I’ve been tossing around the idea of inviting baby face to a birthday dinner I’m having with friends next friday. Last time I counted, about 20 friends of mine will be there, probably more? Through conversation, he mentioned that his birthday is three days after mine, which means we actually share a birthday weekend, haha. I go back and forth on this decision, because this guy is not my “boyfriend” and I’m really trying to keep this “casual” for now to see where it goes and what becomes of it. I’m not sure if I really want to introduce someone to my clique that I’m casually–nomnom…*jamaican air horn toot*…er… — On the other hand, I feel like it would be rude of me NOT to invite him, since it’s also his birthday and I probably spend close to the amount of time with him that I do with some of my other friends that will be there…So I don’t know. I just worry about how I would introduce him to friends that really haven’t heard of him? Because they will equally be like, dude wtf.

“Oh, this is baby face, he’s my….uh…you see we…I…well…–What’s that over there?!”

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I don’t want to introduce him as a “friend” because that might be insulting, but he’s not my—ugh…and we’re back at square one all over again. I’m sure I’ll figure it out. I guess I can at least mention it to him to see if he even wants to go. He may be too overwhelmed by that, to be honest. Hell, I’m overwhelmed and it’s my own birthday dinner. I didn’t even realize I had this many friends until recently. Shit. Who knew?

Again…Where is my emotional support peacock? Does he do appointments…? Srsly u guise

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He’s Growing on Me

I’ve been seeing this guy for a little over a month and a half now and I’m finally admitting to myself that we are indeed “dating”.

As much as I tried to deal with this situation completely apathetic and emotionless, I really can’t help but to really like the guy. He’s such a gentleman, he makes me laugh, he’s intelligent, he’s respectful, he can keep a conversation going, he REALLY LISTENS, he’s a total sweetheart and is appropriately affectionate. I feel protected and taken care of while I’m in his presence.

I feel at peace.

It’s still “new”, but I have to say that I’m really impressed with him. I didn’t think it was possible to date someone who was so attentive and caring. I’m curious to see how things unfold. So far we seem to really vibe well together. I guess it doesn’t hurt that our birthdays are literally a week a part (his was last Wednesday, mine is this Wednesday…which is well, tomorrow), so we’re the same zodiac sign.

In other news blast from the past is coming up “for work” starting Thursday (and should be gone Saturday afternoon–well hopefully, since I have plans with new guy that evening). Our last interaction (about three weeks) ago, went well (we even took a short road trip), but reminded me of all of the things I’ve longed for that this new guy offers without hesitation. While I find myself emotionally frustrated with blast from the past, things like this seem effortless with new guy. He has no problem being open and honest about his emotions and how he feels about me. I still like blast from the past, but I feel like there is a massive road block on our journey to work towards anything of substance. We like each other, but that’s about it. It’s been a couple of years now and my patience is paper-thin at this point.

We’ll see what the week unfolds.

Dirty 30

Today is my 30th birthday.

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The good news is I didn’t wake up dead, but today has been a little bit of an adjustment…mostly just a mental adjustment. Kind of like 20…but more important.

I started the weekend leading up to the big day spending it out of town with a friend–well, a guy I kind of dated for the better part of a year–but “friend” nonetheless.

Anyway, the weekend was great. He pampered me all weekend. Dinners, movies, breakfast/medicine in bed (I woke up sick Saturday), movies, brunches, shopping. Because of a huge event going on in his city this past weekend, we tried to spend as much time out of traffic as we could. We even gamed for a few hours. It was fun, it was chill. We got along perfectly well. Our conversation(s) never ran dry. He gave me his undivided attention. I felt completely relaxed and comfortable. I haven’t felt that way in a really long time (with anyone).I really MISS that. As sweet as he was being this weekend, part of me is making an effort to be more emotionally mature and not completely latch on to this situation for much more than a weekend visit. Whatever will be, will be.

I took the day off of work today (my actual birthday), mostly because I knew being at work would have sucked the absolute life of me (it’s been a crazy couple of weeks and I don’t feel like getting into everything in this post). Until today, I’ve never even had my birthday off. I’ve always been in school or at work. It nice to have a day to myself. It was a quiet day, but relaxing. I got up and went to Denny’s for a FREE breakfast, went grocery shopping and then met up with my parents for lunch (also had a free coupon for birthday food), a movie and dinner. Sure, I could have gone to the moon and back drunk off my ass, but I wanted to bring this birthday in a little more calmly. Maybe I’m turning over a new leaf…well, until later this month when I finish bringing in my birthday with a weekend of insanity with some bffs of mine out of town. Hey, I still have some ridiculousness to shake out of these bones.

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