Text w/ The Ex

So when I last wrote, I was scrambling to plan a “home cooked taco dinner” for baby face for when he dropped by my place Saturday for our date. I’m not sure what prompted me to cook for him other than the fact that he’s dropped some serious coins on our dates and I feel guilty. Granted, he’s willingly done this and hasn’t been like one of those guys who looks at me like, “you owe me”. He’s admittedly very southern (born and raised) and maybe that’s just normal to him. I guess I just wanted to be nice and look like I’m trying to make an effort not to be appear to be a mooch or take advantage in any way, even though I’m lazy and hate cooking elaborate things.

Anyway, as I was thinking about the tacos I was going to make and everything I needed from the store when I got off of work, I got a text from my ex. I had to take a double take at my phone at first, because while we aren’t NOT speaking to one another, we haven’t been in consistent communication since the holidays–and at least on my end that’s been fairly intentional. Well, I take that back, we spoke that day he was tailgating me on the way to work, which was a month and a half ago. It was also weird to see a message from him (still have him on mute, so I didn’t actually notice it at first) because I had been thinking about the amazing tacos he used to make and just how I was going to mimic them for Saturday’s dinner/date. It’s like he felt those vibes of me trying to steal his shit.

“Hey there. How are you?” His text read. That’s such a loaded question, ha….but unlike the last time he asked me this question, I could honestly answer that I was doing really well and MEAN IT.

We actively texted back and forth over the course of an hour or so. He told me he had gotten approved for a mortgage loan and was seriously looking to buy a house as soon as he got an offer accepted. He had decided that he wanted to buy a house in need of renovations on the edge of downtown in an up and coming trendy area that’s slowly being gentrified. When he shared the good news with me, I couldn’t help but to be overcome with joy for him. The news genuinely gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside and made my afternoon. I’m so very proud of him because I know this is something he’s wanted to do for a year or more and he’s finally there. All of those long nights and weekends of OT to save up for it paid off.

As we continued to catch up, I couldn’t help but to notice how far I have come over the past few months. I was able to speak to him and feel no emotion or bitterness, just genuine happiness as if I was talking to an old friend.  I am over the moon happy for him. So, so proud.

overcome with happiness.gif

The fact that I’ve gotten to the point where I can celebrate in his successes without hate in my heart is HUGE for me. It’s not that I’ve ever “hated” him during the past few months, but there were days where I wasn’t his biggest fan because I was hurt and being emotionally irrational (rightfully so though. I am human). Ha. Particularly when I was CAPS LOCK mad at him back in December (but in my defense I was PMsing and he did drop several bombs on me in that conversation which added fuel to the fire).

Anyway, before our conversation wrapped up, I did cop that taco recipe from him, which he gladly shared, even though I left the details of “why” I was making tacos pretty vague (just said I had an “event” – which isn’t really a lie—an event of getting my back bent and fractured –  lol).

yasssss gif

Even though I’ve gotten to a point where I’m in a better place with how things ended between us, I still don’t care to share details of my love life with him. That’s no longer his business just as I don’t really care to know about his either. So as long as he’s happy with that area of his life, I’ll be happy for him there too.

Welp. The tacos ended up being a big hit, but I’ll save that for another post 😉 .


Actual Factual Advice

I’m still riding that wave of being (mostly) at peace. After all, I’m not perfect by any means and there is still a itty bitty part of me dusting off emotionally, but I’m so much better than I was, omg! It feels amazing to want to get up, to want to be social, to be able to focus on other aspects of my life that I had been neglecting for months. Most importantly, it feels nice to have the courage to “get back out there” and KNOW that this person nor that situation “ended” me. While I’ve been hurt or a little sad about ended relationships before, this was my first substantial heartbreak because I was so emotionally invested.

I don’t think being “emotionally invested” is a bad thing. It means that you believe in that person and your connection with them. It means you’re putting faith in things and giving it a go and you’re being vulnerable. A lot of risk comes with that and before this relationship; I realized I had never really been that vulnerable with anyone, even with guys that I *thought* I “loved”. I was always overly cautious, which led me not to be emotionally connected or invested in any past exes. Even one I was with for about a year. I deserved so much better than that.

Not to sound “cheesy”, but this whole situation reminds of a scene in the Black Panther movie where T’Challa (Black Panther) is laying in a bed of snow (he is near death and feeling defeated. While in this coma like state he is speaking to his ancestors who are inviting him to join them in the afterlife) and one moment he’s clinging to life and is powerless and then the next moment he realizes he has unfinished business to tend to, regains the “Black Panther” strength and emerges more powerful than before. I wish I could find that image online, but I’ve searched for about ten minutes and I have other things to do…

Anyway, it’s amazing how when you’re “heartbroken” the world seems like it is ending and the advice everyone gives you goes a little something like this:

“It will get better”

“You’re better off”

“He was a/an [insert insult here] anyway”

“Everything happens for a reason”

“You’ll find someone new/better”

“Smile. It will hurt less.”

Just don’t *think* about them”

“Go out and rebound”

“Maybe you’ll get back together”


Let’s be honest, none (well, most) of these things aren’t sinking in to your brain, which is diluted with negative energy and sadness by this point. You are exhausted and you can barely think about tomorrow, let alone “the future”. I really wish when I went through this painful experience I was told:

“It’s going to really HURT and for a while. Like physical pain level of hurt.”

“It’s going to suck and there are going to be days where you feel like you can’t function, but over time you will feel better.”

It’s ok to cry and to feel sad. You’re in mourning. Actually go through the stages of these emotions. Allow yourself to feel this raw emotion.”

“Don’t hold things in. Talk to loved ones or professionals if you can.”

“Blog it out.”

“You’ll go through a roller coaster of emotions. Some days you’ll feel a little better and then several days later you’ll feel sad again (sometimes without reason), but as time moves on you’ll have more good days than bad days until eventually the majority of your days are good again.”

“You’ll long for your ex and even act on seeing them. That’s normal. While reuniting (even on a friendly basis) sounds like a good idea, it’s not (shortly after a breakup) and will set both of you off course emotionally. Wait six or more months and if you’re able to have a genuine platonic friendship, go for it, but keep your boundaries in check.”

“Cut communication as much as possible. Even if you’re cordial to one another, it’s just not necessary to be “in touch” right after.”

“Go out and find new hobbies, experience new things, travel, make new friends. These eventual distractions will prove to be pivotal in your recovery.”

“If going to a certain place reminds you of them, don’t go to that place if it is at all humanly possible. Protect your peace.”

“Stop re-reading their text messages, emails, listening to their voicemails, making googly eyes at photos of them (you both as a couple counts too), in fact,  remove the photos from your phone, or at the very least place them in a “hidden” folder or store them on a hard drive. Social media wise, hide their updates and hide yours from them too. If absolutely necessary (wasn’t for me), delete them from your social media pages. At least for now. Protect. your. peace.”

“When you do dust off and get back out there again, try not to date someone just like them. Try to date someone different from your ex. They might surprise you (in a good way). You will naturally compare your new bae to your ex, but don’t be too critical.”

“Take things slow in your next romantic encounter. Consider the reasons why you and your ex didn’t work and strive to not repeat those things moving forward. Be logical and tell your heart to pace itself.”

“Take your time and only get back out there when you feel as though you’re all better. Don’t date with a revengeful heart or even for the purposes of rebounding or making your ex jealous. Those situations will never end well and might potentially hurt the other person in the crossfire of your selfish behavior.”

“You’re probably going to date a lot of cornballs [see guy #1] and fuck boys post break-up. Go out, have fun, keep an open mind and know your worth. Eventually, your “prince charming” will come around.”

“You may have days where you are not your ex’s biggest fan [2]….EVEN if you guys ended things mutually or in a very peaceful way and they treated you like gold while you were together. That is OK. It’s natural to have a bit a resentment, try not to act on it though.”

“There will be times where you’ll be worried about them. Wondering if they’re ok, if they’re lonely, if they feel guilt, if they have second thoughts, etc. Yes, they probably do indeed have these thoughts and go through these things, but it’s not your job to “protect” them anymore.”


I could easily go on and on with this, but what is most important is that I made it through the worst of it and I am on the other side now with a renewed sense of self. I don’t regret meeting my ex or even being in a relationship with him, not for one second. I’m glad I let my guard down and took the chance to let him into my world. Imagine had I not let my guard down, I would have potentially missed out on having someone really amazing in my life. I would have missed out on truly understanding what it feels like to have someone love me unconditionally and to meet my effort 110%. I cherish those moments that we shared and I feel honored that of all people, he chose to share those moments with me. I wish him all of the success and happiness in the world, I really do.

One of the best gifts he gave me was learning how to truly love and trust and ALLOWING someone to love and trust you in return. I just hope that moving forward I can approach love in that way with someone new, which I’m sure I will in time. And if I never do, at least I can say I did have the pleasure of experiencing it.

“Hold on to Hope If You Got It”

While working this morning, I decided to listen to Paramore’s latest album (After Laughter) and stumbled upon the song “26”. While, I’ve had this album downloaded for months, I’ve never *really* listened to it from start to finish. I’ve skipped around here and there. Anyway, I finally listened to this entire song today and it’s beautiful, but also a little sad. It kind of reminds of being in a hopeless place after being heartbroken and trying to talk myself into “not giving up all hope”. That’s a difficult place to be in and one I don’t wish on my worst enemy. Everything seems dark and desolate.

I’m thankful to be in a much better place today than several months ago. Life just keeps getting better as time goes on and I’m eager to see where the journey takes me next.

Here are the lyrics. The portion in red was particularly touching to me.


Man, you really know how to get someone down
Everything was fine until you came around
I’ve been chasing after dreamers in the clouds
After all wasn’t I the one who said
To keep your feet on the ground?
Man, you really brought me back down

Hold on to hope if you got it
Don’t let it go for nobody
They say that dreaming is free
But I wouldn’t care what it cost me

You got me tied up but I stay close to the window
And I talk to myself about the places that I used to go
I’m hoping someday maybe I’ll just float away
And I’ll forget every cynical thing you say
When you gonna hear me out
Man, you really bring me down

Hold on to hope if you got it
Don’t let it go for nobody
They say that dreaming is free
But I wouldn’t care what it cost me

Reality will break your heart
Survival will not be the hardest part
It’s keeping all your hopes alive
When all the rest of you has died
So let it break your heart 

And hold on to hope if you got it
Don’t let it go for nobody

Hold on to hope if you got it
Don’t let it go for nobody
They say that dreaming is free
I wouldn’t care what it cost me


Brake Check.


rear view

I was driving to work a few hours ago after two glorious snow days at home (we got over a foot of snow in parts). My job was on a two-hour delay this morning, so I left a little later than my normal crack of dawn departure.

I was just minding my business when I noticed a car tailgating me. I was going about the speed limit (usually I go, at least bout 80″) and wasn’t in the left lane, so I wasn’t sure why this car didn’t just pass me (we were on a five lane highway with little to no traffic).

Anyway, after a few minutes of this and some passive aggressive brake checks, I merged over into another lane so that the person could pass me and that’s when I saw it. The car passing me wasn’t just any car, no, no, no…it was my Ex’s car. Of all of the one million people in the surrounding area to interact with on the highway, I would be just in the right place (or maybe wrong place?) to run into my ex (and almost literally).

Without getting into specifics, his car stands out pretty well and having spent a great deal of time with him in that car, I just knew it was his and it flew by me going about 90 mph before getting off of an exit. I’ll admit I was a bit stunned, but I guess not entirely, since he normally goes to work about the time he was riding up on my ass and we were around the area of town that he works in and we DO take the same route to work since we both work in the same city (different from the one we live in). Low and behold, it was indeed him:

brake check

We small talked for about an hour about the snow and work before the conversation died and we both lied about having to get back to work. So just like that, I killed my promise of not communicating with him in 2018….a smooth 19 days into the new year. Smh.

The one good thing about this encounter is that it didn’t trigger any warm and fuzzy feelings. After getting over being mildly annoyed by his driving, I didn’t really feel anything talking to him nor did I  *care* that much to know how he was doing. I mean, it’s great that he’s alive, but outside of that, I don’t care about the specifics.  It was nice that we small talked (I guess), but I don’t think it adds to the peace in my life right now as I said at the start of this new year.

Ok, we’re back to “days without communicating with ex”, 0…

If I ever catch him in traffic tailgating me again, I will aggressively brake check him so he rear ends me and has to buy me a new car. Ha, I’m kidding…sort of…


Girls Night. Girls Talk.


I admittedly don’t have a ton of female friends that I feel close enough to regularly hangout with, but I am working on this. The ones that I DO have and ARE close to are amazing though.

Tonight (Thursday — I’m queuing this to post a few days from now), I met up with some of my girlfriends after work for a happy hour at a fondue place not far from our jobs. I’ve never been to a fondue place (outside of a date with a guy (where I can’t even remember his name now–perhaps it was John?), so I was excited for what the evening had in store.

Per usual, we ordered cocktails and got the evening started. Since we don’t see each other super frequently, we caught each other up on what’s been going on in everyone’s life. This conversation sent one of my friends into this 30 minute tangent about online dating and how draining it had become to her. She told us about all of these dates she had been on and how the guys would weird out or turn out to be something that didn’t appear to be online. She even shared a story of how she dated this one guy, who until a few dates in, didn’t even bother to tell her that he had recently gotten a divorce and she was the first person he had dated since the divorce. Hmmm…sounds quite familiar.

Anyway, she went on to say how weird the guy eventually started acting and how he seemed to be in and out in terms of communicating, which lead her to believe that perhaps he jumped the gun too soon and wasn’t ACTUALLY ready to start dating like he thought. She talked about how annoying this was, because dating someone right out off of a divorce, broken engagement or serious long term relationship adds an additional layer of difficulty to things because of the baggage that often comes along with it.  You end up either having to hear about their ex, dealing with someone who is emotionally unavailable or someone who dives in too quickly.  You want to pity and treat their heart with care, but you also want to make sure the person is emotionally stable enough to even commit to you on the most basic level.

Her entire rant reminded me a lot of the situation with my ex and how I think if I had known he came from a broken engagement a few months prior and I was the “first person” he dated since coming off of that engagement, I might have approached the situation quite differently. I might have suggested we talk about that and whether or not he was truly ready to start something new. I might have been more cautious, I might have asked more questions regarding his emotional state. Perhaps I could have saved myself some emotional trauma by approaching things a little more logically (even though I initially approached them logically and got “lost in the sauce”). Because if it’s taking me this long to *fully* get over that relationship, I can only imagine the work and time it would take to get over something like a broken engagement. Hell, he might  not have even (or will ever) really been (or be) over it by the time he met me and dived head first into whatever it was we were doing because the excitement of possibly being in love again consumed and overwhelmed him in a way that caused him to act a bit irrationally and irresponsibly. As I’ve mentioned, that’s pretty reckless (emotionally), but we’re all human and I guess I understand.

While maybe he benefited himself by getting back out there after a period where he didn’t think he could ever love or find happiness again, he left my heart black and blue in the process. While I was knocked down for a few rounds, I’m starting to dust myself off and get back in the ring. I have realized that I am much stronger emotionally than I could have ever imagined and he will not break me or my spirit.

The more I think about it though, the less angry I feel. If anything, I sort of have a better understanding of it all. Not that I’m giving him a pass for that (because he essentially dragged someone unknowingly into his whirlwind of emotions–and by unknowingly, didn’t disclose that information to me), but it helps me to understand his perspective a bit more and maybe to understand that it wasn’t intentional.  It was still wrong, yes, but I don’t think he meant any ill will. Maybe he really did wake up one day and reality hit him and perhaps he realized he jumped the gun a bit before even processing the situation at hand? Would have been nice if he had thought that way as we were meeting, so I could have skipped all of this trauma, but  It happens. Should it continue to happen forever and always? Well, no. Lessons should be learned from this on both sides. I certainly learned mine. I just hoped he took something away from this.

Anyway, my friends and I continued to exchange dating stories for the rest of the evening and I found myself feeling like I wasn’t alone in this crazy thing called life. I’m not the only one getting over a breakup and attempting to dust off and “dip” into the dating pool once more, knowing I’m going to have to weed through a ton of idiots before finding someone even worthy of actually dating on a more serious level. I’m sure when I’m ready and the time is right, that person will come along. Until then, I just have to trust that things will get better and focus on feeling better so that I drag none of this bitterness into my next relationship. Also, so that I don’t hold any (deeply rooted) resentment towards my ex specifically.

We’ll see. In the meantime, talking to friends and going out more has been instrumental in this healing process.


“Flaws” and “Likes”

In honor of this lovely post I just read on handling a break up, and reading the “12 things you should do after your break up if you want to survive” (found on the post), I realized that I’ve actually already done the majority of the things on the list (YAY), with the exception of #10 and #11.

Rule 10# Making a list of all of your Exes flaws & Rule 11# Make a list of 10 things why I love my ex so much (i don’t “love” my ex at this point though, so I’m going to refer to it as “like”).

Anyway, I sat down to run through both exercises and this is what I came up with:

10 and 11

In doing both exercises, I realized that I was able to come up with “flaws” (or things I wasn’t fond of) somewhat quickly, at least the first half of them. The second half came about as I started writing things that I “liked”, which although present in my mind, took slightly longer to write. I notice that many of the things that I “liked” are somewhat superficial.  Smells Nice. Can cook well. Is handsome. Haha. These are not the initial reasons why I fell for him, but things I liked about him as we spent more time together, I guess. I notice my flaw list is almost exclusively specific, while the “like” list is a little more broad.


Also, I’d just like to point out that while I list that he smells nice/has good hygiene in the “like” category, this more so references the fact he showers regularly and takes pride in his appearance (including grooming his beard)…and doesn’t necessarily reference or include the issue in #6 under the “flaw” list…though hand washing is hygiene…but it’s my list, damn-it! So whatever!

All in all it was a good exercise for seeing things as they are (without rose colored glasses) and maybe bringing internal thoughts or feelings to the surface to reassure me of why it’s best to continue to heal and move on.

I’m really happy that I’m much further along in that process now and could write these lists somewhat objectively and with little emotion or resentment.


Hello, 2018.


I spent much of the last few hours of 2017 randomly road tripping and being fairly intoxicated, but in the midst of all of this craziness, I did take time to reflect on 2017 as a whole. The ups, the downs, the in between moments. I think 2017 as a whole wasn’t a bad year for me. Many amazing things happened and I learned some very valuable life lessons, including allowing myself to to fall in love and be loved in return.

Speaking of which, I briefly spoke to my ex yesterday while on the road. We had a cordial conversation and wished each other a Happy New Year. At the conclusion of our text message conversation, I told him that I hoped 2018 would be a great year for him and I genuinely meant it. He deserves it just as much as I do. Through all of this, I honestly believe he has been as nice as he possibly can be given the situation. This statement was also my way of saying goodbye to him indefinitely. I really don’t want to bring any of that into 2018. I’ve spent enough time and energy on it. I want to let go and move on and I will never be able to do that if we’re still in communication with one another. I will never be able to open my heart to someone else if I’m still stuck on this. This is not to say that I won’t EVER speak to him again, I just need a extended detox. I started the process of taking this detox seriously, by removing photos of him from my phone. I didn’t delete them forever and always, just moved them off of my phone and to a drive. I look forward to the day when/if we reconnect and we’re able to catch up on life as  old friends. I still support him in all that he does, as I told him I would a few days ago.

While bringing the new year in with one of my best friends and another one of his friends, I got a phone call from blast from the past wishing me a happy new year. He’s called every year for the past five years. The only year he missed was the first year we met where we spent it together. We sort of lost touch halfway through last year and of course I went MIA after hoping into a relationship that I never really told him about (even when we were in his city visiting for a day last year). I also intentionally refused to speak to him after he never returned my calls and texts telling him I needed a friend to talk to after the break up. When I did finally CALL HIM he addressed my messages, but never explained why he didn’t RETURN my cry for help. Anyway, I’m trying to shed holding grudges and being angry with people in 2018. I’d like to work on our friendship in the coming year and that starts with open communication. I don’t believe we need to be best friends or even speak on a daily basis, but I do want to have confidence in our friendship and that’s something I lost at the end of last year.

Speaking of things I want to work on in this year (not in any order of importance):

  • Maintaining a healthy lifestyle (physically, emotionally, mentally)
  • Being more open/honest with my emotions/needs
  • Financial stability
  • Keeping my heart open, but not wearing it on my sleeve
  • Staying more organized

Fingers crossed that I’m able to accomplish these goals–I won’t refer to them as “resolutions”, because these are things I’ve technically been working on since the end of last year anyway.

Here’s to a new year. May it be a good one 🙂




Lately, I’ve made it a point to remain intentionally busy from the moment I wake up until I crawl into bed (sometimes in the wee hours of the morning). As I continue healing, I find that getting out and staying social refocuses my energy on other things and ultimately gives me something to look forward to. I have had plans every night for the past two weeks straight and on weekends, plans during the day as well. I’ve been out with friends I know and met/made several more friends in the process. While I’m dog tired all of the fucking time, doing this has helped me stay happy.

By Friday, I was wiped out, but luckily had the day off. I started off my day with a therapy appointment where we discussed just how often I hide under the fake facade of appearing to be “happy” or “ok” when I’m not. I mostly do this because I don’t like talking about my feelings (outside of blogging) and I hate it when people are concerned about me. My therapist suggested I work on being more open with my emotions. She suggested that the next time someone asks me how I’m doing, that I answer them honestly.

Ironically enough,  I got a text from my ex that afternoon. “Hey — how are you?”

Between being drained of energy and tied up wrapping gifts, I wasn’t sure if I was going to entertain his message…but then I got to thinking…It’s the holiday season, be nice, at least say hello.

We small talked back and forth for a few moments until the topic of dating came up. He asked if I was “seeing anyone new” because he had 1) “thought” he’d seen me out with someone in the previous week (this could have literally been any day within the last week) and 2) saw that I was “active” on a dating app that we last spoke on prior to dating.

First of all, none of this was any of his business (any longer) and I was within my rights to not respond to his invasive question. Why would he even care what the hell I’m doing? He broke up with meI tossed back and forth in my head for a few minutes on whether or not I planned to even respond to his question or completely dodge it by changing the topic entirely, but then I remembered speaking to my therapist earlier in the day and how she asked me to attempt to be more “open” with  my emotions…I’ve grown tired of him asking me how I’m doing lately, so  I decided to drop the fake, “I’m happy and so cool with you”, act and sort of be an asshole, completely raw in my emotions. I don’t care to be the “cool ex” anymore (note – I paraphrased a great deal of this and omitted specifically intimate or personal examples/references/names from this conversation thread):

Me: No. I’ve casually entertained it here and there over the past few weeks, but I don’t think I’m ready to see someone right now. I need a little more time to heal.

Him: Oh, Sorry. I got out of a relationship last January and you were the first person I dated after that ended.

Me: To be honest, I’ve moved past being sad about this. I am more so frustrated with myself because I’m being impatient. This relationship was very real to me and took a lot out of me emotionally. I took it very seriously. I took a harder blow to my heart than I anticipated. I put a lot into that relationship…and ok…? Is that a bad thing I was the first person you dated after that or…?

Ok, so this is when things went into left field…he replied back and started going into really explicit detail about his past relationship. Granted, I knew that he had been in a relationship several months prior to our relationship, but to my understanding, it ended, he healed and moved on. WRONG. Oh no, he proceeded to tell me that he was *ENGAGED* to this girl (yes, he put stars around the word, “engaged” in his text message).

jazz musi stops

ENGAGED? What the hell? Pause.

Me: Oh, you were engaged…that’s news. You never mentioned that.”


Him: Oh, well…you never asked…


Me: …..blinking white guy

I literally cannot with this guy. I’ve now got to add in, “were you engaged in your relationship or perhaps EVER?” to my first date conversations. Thanks, asshole.

Our conversation continued and he told me about WHY the engagement was broken off. His fiance’ was abusive to him, treated him terribly…blah, blah etc. GRANTED, I felt TERRIBLE about the fact that he was abused, because no one deserves that. This continued for about a smooth 15-20 minutes until he attempted to dead end the conversation by wishing me a “Merry Christmas”, because I, “deserve it *wink face*

I decided our conversation wasn’t over and he was absolutely not, “Merry Christmasing” me after shitting that out. I immediately demanded to know if I was a “rebound” to him, which lead into another tangent on how he had taken all of these months to wait until he felt like “being with someone again” and how I was (again), “the first person he dated” after and how I was, “absolutely NOT a rebound” to him at all.  He then went on to say how he wasn’t a fan of, “dating” and preferred long-term relationships…which, I don’t really think ANYONE *likes* dating, but it’s a necessary evil to figure out if someone is even worth a long-term relationship. It takes time to get to know someone. I asked him if he took time to think about that during the whopping three weeks we dated (before hopping into a relationship) or if the excitement of being with someone new overwhelmed him emotionally:

Him: I felt like you and I just worked. We had so much in common. We just fit very comfortably together and I didn’t want to waste a lot of time going through the motions of dating, because it’s stupid. Plus, you’re a catch. I didn’t want to lose the opportunity there to be with you.

(*thinking*: Quick..name three things we had in common minus being pizza snobs…go! Kidding, we had some interesting things in common)

Me: I understand, but I feel like while dating is awkward , time consuming, emotionally draining and uncertain, it’s kind of important in determining if something should move forward. No one really *likes* dating. I don’t think rushing that accelerates your connection with someone just because you both *like* each other *a lot*.  Love at first sight situations are pretty rare…?

Him: Well, maybe…

Me: I just feel like it allows you that period of weeding out someone who may not be right for you or may end up wasting your time. I’m sorry, but I wish we had dated a little longer, because had we done so, we might have saved each other a lot of energy and emotion. We became entirely too intimate too fast and with intimacy comes invested emotions, which is messy.

Him: ……..well, I just prefer to cohabitate….which sort of comes about with a relationship. I just feel more comfortable in that situation. I’m not a fan of all of these “dates”. It’s just draining. I don’t want to tell five different people over the course of a month what my favorite color and food are. It’s not meaningful conversation. I would rather tell you my hopes and dreams while laying in bed.

(*thinking* : well, you’re draining).

Me: But you can’t force or speed through the stages of a relationship to get there… Relationships should grow organically. I don’t think it requires you to go on formal dates where you quiz one another on surface information. I never asked that or expected that of you…?

Him: I think I’m just more codependent.

(*thinking*: maybe try working on that?)

Me: And I’m more independent.  I don’t feel like I need someone there for the sake of them being there. I feel smothered easily. I like to process information and think through things. I’m not an impulsive person and I wasn’t playing games with you or this.

Him: Listen. Everything about us was very real to me. Really. I meant everything and legitimately felt everything I told you I felt. I didn’t mean to hurt you…I feel bad about that and it really hurt (me) to end things, because we always had so much fun together and had become comfortable..I just started to feel like we weren’t going anywhere.

(*thought*: expressing that might have allowed us to work on that. But this man is exhausting).

Me: We flew through so much shit so fast that once things sort of settled it became uncomfortable (for you). Perhaps it stopped being entertaining and fun (to you). Maybe too routine (god was it routine).

(*thought*: even the sex was very routine and at times very technical.)

Me: I don’t know…? You don’t stay in the “honeymoon phase” forever. Eventually you have to deal with your relationship.

Me: Anyway, I don’t want to talk about this anymore…because this is like beating a fucking dead horse and I’m emotionally exhausted. I just needed you to know how I felt, because I never specifically told you.

Him: I’m so sorry 😦 .

Me: Ok. I do thank you for always being very kind, respectful, loving, nurturing and thoughtful.

Him: Of course. I feel like if you’re good to people you’ll receive the same in return. I could have honestly been very bitter behind what my ex (previous ex) did to me, but I felt like I came through the same as I was before.

Me: Glad to hear that *thumbs up*.

Him: You allowed me the realize that I am capable of being loved and taken care of. You treated me like fine china. You made me feel special. You made me laugh. You matched me with effort. You were always so patient and kind. You were a really good girlfriend. I had fun.

(thinking: then why the fuck did you breakup with me?!)

Me: Ok.

Him: No really. I appreciated that. I’m very glad to have met you and while we’re no longer together, I look forward to continuing to be friends.

Me: Yeah, I can only do that from an appropriate distance now. I do wish you well with everything though.

Him: Well, it sounds like you have your priorities straight, so I also wish you the best. You’re a really good friend.

(*thinking*: I’m really over this conversation)

Me: Well, I need to get going.

Him: Ok. It was good talking to you. Talk to you later?

Me: Have a good rest of your afternoon.

Our conversation was so draining to me, that I immediately had to take a power nap to recharge. After waking up from the nap, I felt a sense of relief and closure, like I could finally (and fully) move on from this.

And I do genuinely wish him well (under all of this, he is genuinely a good person with a huge heart and he means well), though I have a feeling he’ll quickly hop into another relationship (or two) and do all of this shit all over again. Won’t be my issue this time though (I lowkey hope it fails). Anyway, after processing our conversation, I realized that I no longer feel like speaking to him adds any value to my life. I’m not particularly motivated into being a “friend” to him. Speaking to him creates a lot of anxiety/stress or drums up really intense emotions. I rarely feel the happiness I once felt. My emotional well being is important to me and I’ve really been making an effort to work on ME these last few weeks. While our relationship at times was fun (and we cared about each other greatly), I look at it now as being problematic to perhaps both of our psyches.

I’ve decided that I’m going to leave him and this raggedy situation in 2017. I don’t care to drag this into a new year. I want to start fresh, free of baggage. I hope he understands it’s not personal. Well, it is…but like, I don’t think he’s a terrible person.

In other news, I started the process of allowing myself to accept the attention and flirtation of others, more specifically this past Saturday, but I’ll leave that night of adventure for a later post, because this foolish boy in this post exhausted me.



On Mending

Google, “heartbreak” and “how to deal with heartbreak” on the internet and you’ll find a wide spectrum of advice columns on the subject matter. Some are particularly encouraging and motivating and suggest doing things like taking up yoga (wait, I did actually do this) or volunteering in your community (that too) to feel better and others are negative and basically state that not only will you experience again (and most likely worse), but it most likely happened to you this time around because you’re a terrible person (so ok, I’m exaggerating just a tad).

I take everything with a grain of salt these days. There is no easy “fix” to heartbreak and everyone is different. There is no sound proof recipe to follow. Everyone’s relationships are different, the reasons behind why those relationships failed, the people in them and the reasons why they started in the first place are all different. Maybe one person’s way to get through heartbreak is to jump out of a plane, while someone else’s might be to throw themselves into work (not recommended for me).

If there’s anything that I’ve discovered about myself over the past six weeks or so is that no amount of yoga or skydiving is going to “fix me”. I have to essentially find ways to self-reflect and readjust my energy (and attitude) to focus on more positive areas of my life like my friends, family and even acquiring a new skill. It’s been going ok so far. I still don’t sleep particularly well at night, but I’m working on it.

Recently, I’ve found myself diving into skills that my ex either did or we did together. In a strange round about way, it’s therapeutic to me to accomplish these things on my own. it’s almost my way of proving that I can do it and in some cases do it  better than he did (of course, he wasn’t great at EVERYTHING, but he mastered A LOT of really cool skills well. I of course mastered smearing makeup on his pillow cases, falling asleep on him while watching almost ANYTHING on netflix, never being able to finish whatever portion of food he made for me and unintentionally becoming inebriated after one glass of bourbon–where is my cookie for this outstanding craftsmanship?!). I did this with Kayaking while visiting the Dominican Republic a few weeks ago (kayaking was not one of these things that I was better at–but I managed to do it and didn’t die in the process). Will I ever do it again? Maybe…perhaps in a lake on a non-windy day.

flipping over


Cooking is another thing I’ve started to focus more energy on. I’ve never considered myself a bad cook, just lazy. My ex however, was a marvelous cook and regularly made these masterpieces for us to share just because he wanted to. I never cooked anything for him, because again I’m lazy, but I DID bake for him a few times and he seemed to be appreciative of that. On our second date, he invited me over to his place where we made homemade pizza together (we’re both pizza snobs) while drinking sipping bourbon neat (which I’m learning to appreciate). This was not only a fun activity to share, but a knowledgeable one as well.

I’ll never forget coming home after being away on business for a week. He invited me over for dinner the following night where he made this elaborate moroccan dish with like 500 ingredients (so ok, I’m exaggerating–but it was at least 50–because I SEENT IT…most of them were seasonings, herbs and spices I couldn’t spell or pronounce), including one spice that tops out at $20 a jar (was this gold dust? He was probably flexin–why would anyone spend $20 alone on a spice? By the way, it was called, “Saffron”).

i seent it

The dish took him an entire day to “prep” and nearly 2 hours to actively “cook” and god know how long to shop for all of the ingredients (this most certainly was love). While I didn’t really help with this one (I did stir, brown the chicken and introduce him to merlot!), it really motivated me to be more creative in my “masterpieces” in the kitchen. Like bloody hell, why am I not prepping for an entire day and buying exotic spices? I’m happy to report that while I didn’t recreate this specific dish (girl, bye), I have managed to do my thing in the kitchen with a few elaborate meals. I’ve even used cast iron (his prefered method of making said masterpieces) as well as teaching myself how to season, clean and maintain the skillet (doable, but labor intensive and I’m still lazy).


(Actual moroccan dish he made AND the merlot that I so graciously provided-full of NOMs–I flexed FOR him on the ‘gram)

Another Check. Difficulty level, 2 (scale of 1-5).

In a bizarre way, accomplishing the things I mentioned as well as running, picking up a new sport to get into, hanging out with friends/family, volunteering/learning how to make/bottle bourbon (and others I’m too lazy to type out), it makes me feel better and more at peace. It’s almost as if it allows me to take him off of a pedestal and remove the notion that I need him there (of course there are some very specific things that he did quite well (QUITE with a capital “Q”) that I’m not physically able to do (at least on my own)–ha, but that’s not for a public post.


I’ve still been keeping up my goal of not being in contact with him for a little while and I’m happy to report that I’ve done well. Tomorrow makes two solid weeks. While we haven’t communicated via text or verbally, I’ve seen him here and there (in traffic) around our side of town. In living ten minutes from one another and knowing each other’s routines and shopping habits, that’s bound to happen (I just really hope we don’t run into each other in Walmart). For instance, he was at an intersection I passed early last Saturday morning. He’s a fan of grocery shopping once a week on Saturday mornings.

My emotions still kind of shift and level out from day to day, but the fluctuations are becoming less and less frequent and my moods are starting to remain a little more consistent. I have moments of sadness, but not nearly as many. I notice that as long as I try not to sit idle for too long, not read texts from him, peruse through photos of him (or us) and actually stay on top of taking my anxiety medication, I am ok.

I’ve also come to realization that this particular breakup hit me hardest of all because I was on the verge of being in love(d) with him and he loved me too. He treated me far better than any other guy, even right up towards the end. It took this relationship for me to realize that I’ve probably never truly been in love in the way I thought I was (even with another ex who was emotionally unavailable and is STILL a terrible friend to this damn day). Strong like, yes….even strong toleration (see above), absolutely, but never true love.

heart break

I’ve read that our brains really treat heartbreak like an illness. Your body goes through all of these periods of attempting to “fight it off” and you’re basically out of sorts with yourself for a little bit…even the one who initiated the break up. It’s just a weird period of time. I like to think my ex WENT or is going through this, but outside of saying he was a little sad, drowning himself in work on purpose, not sleeping and looking like death warmed over, I’m not sure. It’s not my place to ask. I hope he’s able to eventually heal/mend too.

So there you go, I’ve officially experienced true heartbreak and I’m still standing (queue Elton John’s, “I’m still standing” with some shimmies, glitter and body rolls–YASSSSSS). I am also proud to admit that I honestly don’t resent my ex and have found no true reason to “hate him” (and I shamefully DID try to find a reason a few weeks ago). He’s a good person with a huge heart and while it didn’t work out between us, I still wish him well with his life. I just appreciate that we were able to do this peacefully.


Don’t Be A Sad Turkey.

Hello World, it’s been a couple days since my last post. Well, last public post anyway. I just reread that shit, yep, still pretty damn sad.

Since I last wrote, I have experienced my entire spectrum of emotions and oddly enough, I’m starting to feel more like myself today.

The day before Thanksgiving, we met for a casual lunch at a cafe. He works in the town the cafe is in and the cafe was in the same parking lot of my doctor’s office, so it worked perfectly (Fun Fact, when we were together, we had planned to do lunch at this exact place, on that exact day…)

He pulled up shortly after I parked (and parked beside me AGAIN) and immediately went into asking me what I was doing for Thanksgiving (Fun Fact, we were SUPPOSED to be spending it together until we broke up). I found it odd that we had barely said hello to one another before he asked me that. Why would he even care? Wasn’t the specifics of my life dead to him? But I confidently told him, I had made plans to stay in town this year and regardless of the events that have since occurred, that was still my plan. Though he had picked up a shift to work on Thanksgiving, he alluded to just making himself a spread of turkey and nasty carbohydrates.

Lunch was ok. We were mostly able to speak to each other without any awkward pauses or vindictive comments.  To the untrained eye, we just appeared to be two friends catching up with each other’s lives. He told me about his job, how he hasn’t been able to sleep over the past month, how he coming along with trying to reach “SME” (subject matter expert) status in his field, how his NFL team is mucking up their season, how he had finally decided on an area of town to live in when he buys a house, how his sister was doing post rehab (I drove him to the airport the day he had to rush back to his hometown for an intervention for her), how his parents were doing, how much he appreciated the bourbon I brought him back after my cruise (because it’s so difficult to find), how he planned on Christmas shopping online and how he most “definitely” needed a new wallet. We laughed and joked. Congratulated one another and gave nods of support and words of encouragement.

Eating together gif

It was peaceful, though he looked kind of run down. I initially attributed this to his possible lack of sleep and high amount of stress at his job, but there could be a host of reasons, really. Outside of those things he told me, he didn’t bother to share and I didn’t feel that it was my place to dig (ask).

We parted ways after about an hour of this and walked side by side to our cars. As we started our “goodbyes”, he pulled me in for a hug. A very tight and long hug. So long in fact, that I remember attempting to slightly pull away and he was still holding on to me. It reminded me of the types of hugs he’d give me when I was cold or when we were saying goodbye “see ya later” to one another or when he just wanted to kiss me on the forehead and tell me how much he cared about me (he’s AT LEAST a full five inches taller than me).

hugs - gif

Why did he DO this?

For the most part, I try not to really read much into things these days with people, because I find that people’s motivations and intentions with their actions aren’t always what you think. But it definitely left me with some food for thought.

That night, I had a very vivid dream about him leading into Thanksgiving morning. I haven’t dreamt about him really since we split, so that was odd. We briefly spoke via text that day, but that was it.

Later on that evening, after leaving a friend’s house (friendsgiving), I abruptly burst out into crocodile tears. I cried so hard on the way home that I had to pull over to gather myself enough to wipe these tears so that I could see to continue driving. I managed to make it home where the crying continued and I basically hyperventilated a time or two. All the while, I couldn’t gather where this sudden burst of sadness and frustration came from. I mean afterall, I was fine, right? Right?

I had spent the past month tricking everyone, including MYSELF into think I was ok (or that I at least was going to be ok). I smiled, kept myself busy, went out of the country, regularly took my anxiety medicine, was speaking to a therapist, hey, I was even mature enough to sit across from him face to face (twice) and have not only a cordial interaction/conversation, but to even be nice and share a couple of laughs. Haha…so WHY was I so sad?

All I can gather from that episode is that I finally broke down emotionally and needed to let everything I had been bottling up inside (not only post breakup, but even things I felt while IN our relationship). I kept running it in my mind that, I did everything I could/he wanted to keep him happy! I supported him during some dark times. I was thoughtful, I was kind, I kept an open mind, I never judged him, I never let a day go by without telling him just how wonderful and special he was…

tyrese crying gif

and that STILL was not enough to “save us”. I kept replaying the relationship and questioning whether or not I was even happy in it (which at times I was not–I was so focused on HIM that I often lost sight of MY needs & MY wants). Maybe that was my mind’s way of officially accepting the breakup for what it was. I will say the breakdown caused me to realize that I need to detox from him to finish healing properly. I think seeing him triggered some unresolved emotions, especially since we kept bringing things up that we had experienced/seen/done while we were in a relationship (but I thought I was “ok”). As much as I promised myself that I would still remain friends with him and “not hold anything against him”, I just need some time to myself. I’m exhausted.

My goal is to be silent for at least two weeks to start (basically starting from Thanksgiving). Depending upon how I feel after, I might welcome text messages (general, “how are you doing”, sort of messages), but I’m not sure if I’ll be ready to see him again by that point.

Being in the midst of holidays during this time has been really difficult and at times sad. I see things that remind me of him or things I WOULD have brought him for Christmas if we were still together. I think about all the missed nights of snuggling up together with flannel PJs and hot coco….I think about decorating a tree together while listening to sappy Christmas music, I think about netflixing really lame Christmas movies and laughing about it, I miss exchanging Christmas traditions and funny stories that our families have done,  I think about seeing his face we would have exchanged gifts and satisfying it would have been to see how touched he would have been, I think about holiday parties, tree lightings, etc, but I have to move on from “what could have been” and try my best to feel comfortable in my new reality.

I will say that since I cried my eyeballs out, I feel more at peace. I feel a sense of relief, like I can regularly get up now and concur my day.