“Hold on to Hope If You Got It”

While working this morning, I decided to listen to Paramore’s latest album (After Laughter) and stumbled upon the song “26”. While, I’ve had this album downloaded for months, I’ve never *really* listened to it from start to finish. I’ve skipped around here and there. Anyway, I finally listened to this entire song today and it’s beautiful, but also a little sad. It kind of reminds of being in a hopeless place after being heartbroken and trying to talk myself into “not giving up all hope”. That’s a difficult place to be in and one I don’t wish on my worst enemy. Everything seems dark and desolate.

I’m thankful to be in a much better place today than several months ago. Life just keeps getting better as time goes on and I’m eager to see where the journey takes me next.

Here are the lyrics. The portion in red was particularly touching to me.

 

Man, you really know how to get someone down
Everything was fine until you came around
I’ve been chasing after dreamers in the clouds
After all wasn’t I the one who said
To keep your feet on the ground?
Man, you really brought me back down

Hold on to hope if you got it
Don’t let it go for nobody
They say that dreaming is free
But I wouldn’t care what it cost me

You got me tied up but I stay close to the window
And I talk to myself about the places that I used to go
I’m hoping someday maybe I’ll just float away
And I’ll forget every cynical thing you say
When you gonna hear me out
Man, you really bring me down

Hold on to hope if you got it
Don’t let it go for nobody
They say that dreaming is free
But I wouldn’t care what it cost me

Reality will break your heart
Survival will not be the hardest part
It’s keeping all your hopes alive
When all the rest of you has died
So let it break your heart 

And hold on to hope if you got it
Don’t let it go for nobody

Hold on to hope if you got it
Don’t let it go for nobody
They say that dreaming is free
I wouldn’t care what it cost me

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Closure.

Lately, I’ve made it a point to remain intentionally busy from the moment I wake up until I crawl into bed (sometimes in the wee hours of the morning). As I continue healing, I find that getting out and staying social refocuses my energy on other things and ultimately gives me something to look forward to. I have had plans every night for the past two weeks straight and on weekends, plans during the day as well. I’ve been out with friends I know and met/made several more friends in the process. While I’m dog tired all of the fucking time, doing this has helped me stay happy.

By Friday, I was wiped out, but luckily had the day off. I started off my day with a therapy appointment where we discussed just how often I hide under the fake facade of appearing to be “happy” or “ok” when I’m not. I mostly do this because I don’t like talking about my feelings (outside of blogging) and I hate it when people are concerned about me. My therapist suggested I work on being more open with my emotions. She suggested that the next time someone asks me how I’m doing, that I answer them honestly.

Ironically enough,  I got a text from my ex that afternoon. “Hey — how are you?”

Between being drained of energy and tied up wrapping gifts, I wasn’t sure if I was going to entertain his message…but then I got to thinking…It’s the holiday season, be nice, at least say hello.

We small talked back and forth for a few moments until the topic of dating came up. He asked if I was “seeing anyone new” because he had 1) “thought” he’d seen me out with someone in the previous week (this could have literally been any day within the last week) and 2) saw that I was “active” on a dating app that we last spoke on prior to dating.

First of all, none of this was any of his business (any longer) and I was within my rights to not respond to his invasive question. Why would he even care what the hell I’m doing? He broke up with meI tossed back and forth in my head for a few minutes on whether or not I planned to even respond to his question or completely dodge it by changing the topic entirely, but then I remembered speaking to my therapist earlier in the day and how she asked me to attempt to be more “open” with  my emotions…I’ve grown tired of him asking me how I’m doing lately, so  I decided to drop the fake, “I’m happy and so cool with you”, act and sort of be an asshole, completely raw in my emotions. I don’t care to be the “cool ex” anymore (note – I paraphrased a great deal of this and omitted specifically intimate or personal examples/references/names from this conversation thread):

Me: No. I’ve casually entertained it here and there over the past few weeks, but I don’t think I’m ready to see someone right now. I need a little more time to heal.


Him: Oh, Sorry. I got out of a relationship last January and you were the first person I dated after that ended.


Me: To be honest, I’ve moved past being sad about this. I am more so frustrated with myself because I’m being impatient. This relationship was very real to me and took a lot out of me emotionally. I took it very seriously. I took a harder blow to my heart than I anticipated. I put a lot into that relationship…and ok…? Is that a bad thing I was the first person you dated after that or…?

Ok, so this is when things went into left field…he replied back and started going into really explicit detail about his past relationship. Granted, I knew that he had been in a relationship several months prior to our relationship, but to my understanding, it ended, he healed and moved on. WRONG. Oh no, he proceeded to tell me that he was *ENGAGED* to this girl (yes, he put stars around the word, “engaged” in his text message).

jazz musi stops

ENGAGED? What the hell? Pause.

Me: Oh, you were engaged…that’s news. You never mentioned that.”

 

Him: Oh, well…you never asked…

 

Me: …..blinking white guy

I literally cannot with this guy. I’ve now got to add in, “were you engaged in your relationship or perhaps EVER?” to my first date conversations. Thanks, asshole.

Our conversation continued and he told me about WHY the engagement was broken off. His fiance’ was abusive to him, treated him terribly…blah, blah etc. GRANTED, I felt TERRIBLE about the fact that he was abused, because no one deserves that. This continued for about a smooth 15-20 minutes until he attempted to dead end the conversation by wishing me a “Merry Christmas”, because I, “deserve it *wink face*

I decided our conversation wasn’t over and he was absolutely not, “Merry Christmasing” me after shitting that out. I immediately demanded to know if I was a “rebound” to him, which lead into another tangent on how he had taken all of these months to wait until he felt like “being with someone again” and how I was (again), “the first person he dated” after and how I was, “absolutely NOT a rebound” to him at all.  He then went on to say how he wasn’t a fan of, “dating” and preferred long-term relationships…which, I don’t really think ANYONE *likes* dating, but it’s a necessary evil to figure out if someone is even worth a long-term relationship. It takes time to get to know someone. I asked him if he took time to think about that during the whopping three weeks we dated (before hopping into a relationship) or if the excitement of being with someone new overwhelmed him emotionally:

Him: I felt like you and I just worked. We had so much in common. We just fit very comfortably together and I didn’t want to waste a lot of time going through the motions of dating, because it’s stupid. Plus, you’re a catch. I didn’t want to lose the opportunity there to be with you.


(*thinking*: Quick..name three things we had in common minus being pizza snobs…go! Kidding, we had some interesting things in common)


Me: I understand, but I feel like while dating is awkward , time consuming, emotionally draining and uncertain, it’s kind of important in determining if something should move forward. No one really *likes* dating. I don’t think rushing that accelerates your connection with someone just because you both *like* each other *a lot*.  Love at first sight situations are pretty rare…?


Him: Well, maybe…


Me: I just feel like it allows you that period of weeding out someone who may not be right for you or may end up wasting your time. I’m sorry, but I wish we had dated a little longer, because had we done so, we might have saved each other a lot of energy and emotion. We became entirely too intimate too fast and with intimacy comes invested emotions, which is messy.


Him: ……..well, I just prefer to cohabitate….which sort of comes about with a relationship. I just feel more comfortable in that situation. I’m not a fan of all of these “dates”. It’s just draining. I don’t want to tell five different people over the course of a month what my favorite color and food are. It’s not meaningful conversation. I would rather tell you my hopes and dreams while laying in bed.


(*thinking* : well, you’re draining).


Me: But you can’t force or speed through the stages of a relationship to get there… Relationships should grow organically. I don’t think it requires you to go on formal dates where you quiz one another on surface information. I never asked that or expected that of you…?


Him: I think I’m just more codependent.


(*thinking*: maybe try working on that?)


Me: And I’m more independent.  I don’t feel like I need someone there for the sake of them being there. I feel smothered easily. I like to process information and think through things. I’m not an impulsive person and I wasn’t playing games with you or this.


Him: Listen. Everything about us was very real to me. Really. I meant everything and legitimately felt everything I told you I felt. I didn’t mean to hurt you…I feel bad about that and it really hurt (me) to end things, because we always had so much fun together and had become comfortable..I just started to feel like we weren’t going anywhere.


(*thought*: expressing that might have allowed us to work on that. But this man is exhausting).


Me: We flew through so much shit so fast that once things sort of settled it became uncomfortable (for you). Perhaps it stopped being entertaining and fun (to you). Maybe too routine (god was it routine).


(*thought*: even the sex was very routine and at times very technical.)


Me: I don’t know…? You don’t stay in the “honeymoon phase” forever. Eventually you have to deal with your relationship.


Me: Anyway, I don’t want to talk about this anymore…because this is like beating a fucking dead horse and I’m emotionally exhausted. I just needed you to know how I felt, because I never specifically told you.


Him: I’m so sorry 😦 .


Me: Ok. I do thank you for always being very kind, respectful, loving, nurturing and thoughtful.


Him: Of course. I feel like if you’re good to people you’ll receive the same in return. I could have honestly been very bitter behind what my ex (previous ex) did to me, but I felt like I came through the same as I was before.


Me: Glad to hear that *thumbs up*.


Him: You allowed me the realize that I am capable of being loved and taken care of. You treated me like fine china. You made me feel special. You made me laugh. You matched me with effort. You were always so patient and kind. You were a really good girlfriend. I had fun.


(thinking: then why the fuck did you breakup with me?!)


Me: Ok.


Him: No really. I appreciated that. I’m very glad to have met you and while we’re no longer together, I look forward to continuing to be friends.


Me: Yeah, I can only do that from an appropriate distance now. I do wish you well with everything though.


Him: Well, it sounds like you have your priorities straight, so I also wish you the best. You’re a really good friend.


(*thinking*: I’m really over this conversation)


Me: Well, I need to get going.


Him: Ok. It was good talking to you. Talk to you later?


Me: Have a good rest of your afternoon.

Our conversation was so draining to me, that I immediately had to take a power nap to recharge. After waking up from the nap, I felt a sense of relief and closure, like I could finally (and fully) move on from this.

And I do genuinely wish him well (under all of this, he is genuinely a good person with a huge heart and he means well), though I have a feeling he’ll quickly hop into another relationship (or two) and do all of this shit all over again. Won’t be my issue this time though (I lowkey hope it fails). Anyway, after processing our conversation, I realized that I no longer feel like speaking to him adds any value to my life. I’m not particularly motivated into being a “friend” to him. Speaking to him creates a lot of anxiety/stress or drums up really intense emotions. I rarely feel the happiness I once felt. My emotional well being is important to me and I’ve really been making an effort to work on ME these last few weeks. While our relationship at times was fun (and we cared about each other greatly), I look at it now as being problematic to perhaps both of our psyches.

I’ve decided that I’m going to leave him and this raggedy situation in 2017. I don’t care to drag this into a new year. I want to start fresh, free of baggage. I hope he understands it’s not personal. Well, it is…but like, I don’t think he’s a terrible person.

In other news, I started the process of allowing myself to accept the attention and flirtation of others, more specifically this past Saturday, but I’ll leave that night of adventure for a later post, because this foolish boy in this post exhausted me.

 

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is for my heart to heal. I know I’m not perfect, I know I’m not always “good (though I really try to be)”, but being able to heal and recover would mean the world to me.

Feel free to leave the doctored up version of my broken heart under the tree (or well, plant, since I cannot seem to find my Christmas spirit this year) and please leave it unwrapped for immediate use.

I promise to take better care of my heart moving forward to ensure that it is not so easily damaged.

fixed heart

Sincerely,

-J