I’m A Mess.

I’ve had my head in the clouds lately. Sometimes it’s just easier to live my life in this alternative fantasy world where MOST things make sense than to trudge through my actual reality which at times has become strenuous, confusing and an overall mess. Sometimes I feel like I’m watching my life unfold as as a spectator and all I can do is just look on in total disbelief.

Dr. strange

I do this a lot when I don’t want to face the hard truth of things, like how what I want romantically isn’t actually syncing up with what I’m saying and actually doing at the moment.

I had dinner the other night with some of my female friends that I’ve grown fairly fond of in the past few months. I don’t have a great deal of “good” female friends, but these chicks get me. There was no special occasion, just simply getting together to catch up without the guys (mutual friends and baes).

The appearance of one of my friends in the group has been a bit more sparse lately due to her recently getting in a relationship. We’ve all met her guy a time or two and we all “approve” of him for now. He treats her well and she seems happy. While she didn’t occupy a great deal of time talking about him at our dinner, the times she did (briefly) mention him, she looked so happy and that made my entire evening. While I found myself genuinely being happy for my friend, I couldn’t help but to wonder what exactly am I doing with my life? My friend has been seeing her now boyfriend for about the same amount of time that I’ve been dating BF, which definitely hit me like a ton of bricks the other night as I thought about that…

Should I be at that stage? Do I want that? Do I even want that with BF specifically? Eh…

Tune in on next week’s episode of Issa situation…to find out!

For a few weeks now, I’ve definitely come to the conclusion that I want something more out of these interactions I’ve been having. Sure, several months ago (freshly off of heartbreak), I wasn’t interested in anything of substance or long term. My last relationship (I feel) moved entirely too fast in that general direction without allowing me a lot of time to truly assess or even process how I felt or what I even wanted. The period of time between our initial stages of getting to know each other and full blown relationship was super condensed and blurred. It felt like I was watching a car accident in slow motion the entire time and I kept waiting to feel the impact, but was powerless to stop it.

 

Car accident gif

I distinctly remember very early in approaching the entire thing logically and keeping my distance emotionally, but eventually the pool of absurdness and infatuation creeped up on me. It was mostly about how my ex felt, what he wanted and I just joined him along on the whirlwind of a ride because I genuinely liked spending time with him as a person. I found myself mostly doing things he wanted to do or doing things for him instead of for myself, but I wanted to because he was kind and  nurturing. It was like someone took all of the things I strive to be to others and threw it into this guy. He’s probably the nicest and most genuine person I’ve met, but he’s just not “my person”. I felt uneasy during 95% of the relationship because I felt out of control. He was the driver and I could see we were heading full speed ahead towards a cliff, but I felt I needed to balls up and push through because I had, “made a commitment” to be in the relationship (even though it felt slightly forced and rushed). He was the kind of boyfriend that wanted to show off our relationship to the world and told everyone in his life about me in explicit detail very shorty after we met and started dating. Meanwhile, I was more quiet and kept him and the details of our affairs on a “need to know basis” until I felt I was ready to disclose it (my mother found out we were in a relationship by stalking him on FB, since I gave very little details about the “guy I was dating”). The entire thing gave me emotional whiplash (and left me black and blue) after plummeting down that cliff, so after dusting myself off, I decided I wanted to ease back into the “dating pool” in a very casual, non-commitment kind of way and I wanted to take total control over that. Never again did I want to go through that whirlwind BS. I wanted to approach dating from more of an, “maybe I need to date around to figure out what I want”, or “I just want to have fun getting to know someone without the expectation or assumption that we’ll get married someday” perspective.

Simple, right?

On paper, yes…but IRL, dating can be a bit more complex than that at least as time moves on. You fall into habits. Your interests intertwines. You experience things together, but feelings aren’t necessarily stagnant and nothing is promised. Initially things sort of went my way and all was right with the world. I was having my cake and eating it too. I was dating, but not formally feeling required to commit. It was all fun. It was freeing. I had the benefit of doing all of these quasi-relationship things, but on my own terms and with very little responsibility. It was exhilarating. It was liberating…

Now I’m just a bit bored, jaded and cranky. Mostly cranky, haha. What started out as being a lot of lighthearted fun has now become a bit of chore and at times an annoyance and a huge time suck. I don’t particularly find myself being overly excited about any of it anymore, at least not for the reasons I should be. It just interferes with other things that I’d prefer to be doing. It’s become a task that I feel like I need to check off of my “to-do list”. I also find myself being legitimately exasperated if we’re not physically intimate each time we’re together ESPECIALLY if we’re over my place. I’ve never been this person before. Yikes.

This isn’t to say that I don’t like BF or he’s not a great guy (at times a bit silly and a bit reckless, but means well), but any time I try to place him in the role of someone I could see myself actually working towards something more with, the image doesn’t really translate in the way that it should and I get agitated. I’m not sure if he’d jive well with my friends (maybe he would), I’m not sure what my parents would think about him (my dad hates every guy I date–). I don’t know how he’d take knowing that I have anxiety and bouts of depression, I don’t even know if he’d have the patience to understand that sometimes I just need my space and that it’s not personal. It’s like he has the potential to be all of these things, but I would need to trust that he’d take it seriously and trust that I won’t go through the trying experience I went through before. I’m on the defense, like a wounded animal at times, but I hide it all under the facade of being carefree, sweet, charming and “content”. I don’t need anyone, I tell myself, because I don’t. I’m fine on my own, but the idea of having someone there, isn’t necessarily off putting.

I’m that cool chick that doesn’t nag to you about trivial shit. I’m agreeable. I’m easy. I’m not “emotional” (HA), I get it.  I’m like one of the guys…but…you see where this is going, haha. He has no idea any of this is going on in my head, but then again, he’s a smart guy, I’m sure he’s aware that something’s brewing in there. I’m just not sure I feel the level of (emotional) intimacy with him (or anyone right now) to reveal my vulnerability in that way, without appearing weak or needy. Essentially, I’m using our physical intimacy as a replacement for all of that, because who has time for emotions? Who has time to have a soul? No one wants to talk about that uncomfortable shit. It drowns out the conversations we should be having. Our silences, grins, embraces and sounds of satisfaction fill in those gaps. I seek out reasons to be “annoyed” with his actions (some are justified though), to lessen my lukewarm admiration for him, so that I have the upper hand, so that I can back out of this at any time without remorse or regret or too many losses…so that I’m in control.

Jesus. I just psychoanalyzed myself. I’m a mess.

img_5818

Other friends of mine (without fully understanding the finer details of our interactions because I intentionally gloss over talking about BF in a lot of detail–some of them have just now learned his first name) have decided that he’s “practically” my boyfriend based off of “time in”. No, no, no, it doesn’t work that way. Like, at. all. That’s not how any of this works.

I thought about this yesterday evening as we linked up. We had been making plans to see Infinity War for the better part of a week and decided to meet after work (midway between our jobs) to check it out. Even though this would make my third time seeing it, I really wanted to see it with him because he had been excited about it for some time. He paid for our tickets, held my hand, asked about my day, made little jokes to make me laugh….all of those cute little date effects. While, I’m not crazy about movie dates and I’m even less crazy about formalized WEEK night dates, it was good to see him. It’s been about a week and a half since we’ve seen each other due to work, traveling and other obligations and part of dating I guess, is maintaining that momentum of…well…seeing each other? I guess at least we’ve been in touch daily? But is that necessary? If I suddenly decided not to respond to his messages today, would he notice? Would this trigger alarm for him? Would he care to know that I was “ok”?

Obviously, since we were seeing a movie, we were’t able to talk much (outside of before and after), so none of my ridiculous thoughts came up. We small talked mostly (about our work days, the weather, the themes of the movie, being tired…) I just attributed my serious composure to being tired (I was actually very tired). He walked me to my car and  embraced me for a while, before calling it a night to head back to his place to get ready for bed.

Wow. This was much longer than I anticipated…

All in all what it boils down to is that I was burned and while I’ve licked most of my wounds and moved on from it, I’m hell bent on never repeating that situation again. How stupid could I have been? The idea of a genuine relationship seems appealing, but scares me all at the same time. It’s a lot to risk. There are all the what ifs. While I’d eventually like to work towards a relationship, I’m definitely not ready for one now. The trouble is, I’m not sure if the guy I’m dating is “my person” or even the person that I want to work with in moving towards a relationship. I need to figure out what’s more important to me in this moment: Doing casual, quasi-relationship things with someone fun and carefree without responsibility for my actions (or responsibility for his) or starting over again and seeking out a more embedded and complex connection with someone new with the specific intentions of long term, but with the understanding (for them) that it won’t happen overnight.

Hmm…

Advertisements

“Hold on to Hope If You Got It”

While working this morning, I decided to listen to Paramore’s latest album (After Laughter) and stumbled upon the song “26”. While, I’ve had this album downloaded for months, I’ve never *really* listened to it from start to finish. I’ve skipped around here and there. Anyway, I finally listened to this entire song today and it’s beautiful, but also a little sad. It kind of reminds of being in a hopeless place after being heartbroken and trying to talk myself into “not giving up all hope”. That’s a difficult place to be in and one I don’t wish on my worst enemy. Everything seems dark and desolate.

I’m thankful to be in a much better place today than several months ago. Life just keeps getting better as time goes on and I’m eager to see where the journey takes me next.

Here are the lyrics. The portion in red was particularly touching to me.

 

Man, you really know how to get someone down
Everything was fine until you came around
I’ve been chasing after dreamers in the clouds
After all wasn’t I the one who said
To keep your feet on the ground?
Man, you really brought me back down

Hold on to hope if you got it
Don’t let it go for nobody
They say that dreaming is free
But I wouldn’t care what it cost me

You got me tied up but I stay close to the window
And I talk to myself about the places that I used to go
I’m hoping someday maybe I’ll just float away
And I’ll forget every cynical thing you say
When you gonna hear me out
Man, you really bring me down

Hold on to hope if you got it
Don’t let it go for nobody
They say that dreaming is free
But I wouldn’t care what it cost me

Reality will break your heart
Survival will not be the hardest part
It’s keeping all your hopes alive
When all the rest of you has died
So let it break your heart 

And hold on to hope if you got it
Don’t let it go for nobody

Hold on to hope if you got it
Don’t let it go for nobody
They say that dreaming is free
I wouldn’t care what it cost me

Closure.

Lately, I’ve made it a point to remain intentionally busy from the moment I wake up until I crawl into bed (sometimes in the wee hours of the morning). As I continue healing, I find that getting out and staying social refocuses my energy on other things and ultimately gives me something to look forward to. I have had plans every night for the past two weeks straight and on weekends, plans during the day as well. I’ve been out with friends I know and met/made several more friends in the process. While I’m dog tired all of the fucking time, doing this has helped me stay happy.

By Friday, I was wiped out, but luckily had the day off. I started off my day with a therapy appointment where we discussed just how often I hide under the fake facade of appearing to be “happy” or “ok” when I’m not. I mostly do this because I don’t like talking about my feelings (outside of blogging) and I hate it when people are concerned about me. My therapist suggested I work on being more open with my emotions. She suggested that the next time someone asks me how I’m doing, that I answer them honestly.

Ironically enough,  I got a text from my ex that afternoon. “Hey — how are you?”

Between being drained of energy and tied up wrapping gifts, I wasn’t sure if I was going to entertain his message…but then I got to thinking…It’s the holiday season, be nice, at least say hello.

We small talked back and forth for a few moments until the topic of dating came up. He asked if I was “seeing anyone new” because he had 1) “thought” he’d seen me out with someone in the previous week (this could have literally been any day within the last week) and 2) saw that I was “active” on a dating app that we last spoke on prior to dating.

First of all, none of this was any of his business (any longer) and I was within my rights to not respond to his invasive question. Why would he even care what the hell I’m doing? He broke up with meI tossed back and forth in my head for a few minutes on whether or not I planned to even respond to his question or completely dodge it by changing the topic entirely, but then I remembered speaking to my therapist earlier in the day and how she asked me to attempt to be more “open” with  my emotions…I’ve grown tired of him asking me how I’m doing lately, so  I decided to drop the fake, “I’m happy and so cool with you”, act and sort of be an asshole, completely raw in my emotions. I don’t care to be the “cool ex” anymore (note – I paraphrased a great deal of this and omitted specifically intimate or personal examples/references/names from this conversation thread):

Me: No. I’ve casually entertained it here and there over the past few weeks, but I don’t think I’m ready to see someone right now. I need a little more time to heal.


Him: Oh, Sorry. I got out of a relationship last January and you were the first person I dated after that ended.


Me: To be honest, I’ve moved past being sad about this. I am more so frustrated with myself because I’m being impatient. This relationship was very real to me and took a lot out of me emotionally. I took it very seriously. I took a harder blow to my heart than I anticipated. I put a lot into that relationship…and ok…? Is that a bad thing I was the first person you dated after that or…?

Ok, so this is when things went into left field…he replied back and started going into really explicit detail about his past relationship. Granted, I knew that he had been in a relationship several months prior to our relationship, but to my understanding, it ended, he healed and moved on. WRONG. Oh no, he proceeded to tell me that he was *ENGAGED* to this girl (yes, he put stars around the word, “engaged” in his text message).

jazz musi stops

ENGAGED? What the hell? Pause.

Me: Oh, you were engaged…that’s news. You never mentioned that.”

 

Him: Oh, well…you never asked…

 

Me: …..blinking white guy

I literally cannot with this guy. I’ve now got to add in, “were you engaged in your relationship or perhaps EVER?” to my first date conversations. Thanks, asshole.

Our conversation continued and he told me about WHY the engagement was broken off. His fiance’ was abusive to him, treated him terribly…blah, blah etc. GRANTED, I felt TERRIBLE about the fact that he was abused, because no one deserves that. This continued for about a smooth 15-20 minutes until he attempted to dead end the conversation by wishing me a “Merry Christmas”, because I, “deserve it *wink face*

I decided our conversation wasn’t over and he was absolutely not, “Merry Christmasing” me after shitting that out. I immediately demanded to know if I was a “rebound” to him, which lead into another tangent on how he had taken all of these months to wait until he felt like “being with someone again” and how I was (again), “the first person he dated” after and how I was, “absolutely NOT a rebound” to him at all.  He then went on to say how he wasn’t a fan of, “dating” and preferred long-term relationships…which, I don’t really think ANYONE *likes* dating, but it’s a necessary evil to figure out if someone is even worth a long-term relationship. It takes time to get to know someone. I asked him if he took time to think about that during the whopping three weeks we dated (before hopping into a relationship) or if the excitement of being with someone new overwhelmed him emotionally:

Him: I felt like you and I just worked. We had so much in common. We just fit very comfortably together and I didn’t want to waste a lot of time going through the motions of dating, because it’s stupid. Plus, you’re a catch. I didn’t want to lose the opportunity there to be with you.


(*thinking*: Quick..name three things we had in common minus being pizza snobs…go! Kidding, we had some interesting things in common)


Me: I understand, but I feel like while dating is awkward , time consuming, emotionally draining and uncertain, it’s kind of important in determining if something should move forward. No one really *likes* dating. I don’t think rushing that accelerates your connection with someone just because you both *like* each other *a lot*.  Love at first sight situations are pretty rare…?


Him: Well, maybe…


Me: I just feel like it allows you that period of weeding out someone who may not be right for you or may end up wasting your time. I’m sorry, but I wish we had dated a little longer, because had we done so, we might have saved each other a lot of energy and emotion. We became entirely too intimate too fast and with intimacy comes invested emotions, which is messy.


Him: ……..well, I just prefer to cohabitate….which sort of comes about with a relationship. I just feel more comfortable in that situation. I’m not a fan of all of these “dates”. It’s just draining. I don’t want to tell five different people over the course of a month what my favorite color and food are. It’s not meaningful conversation. I would rather tell you my hopes and dreams while laying in bed.


(*thinking* : well, you’re draining).


Me: But you can’t force or speed through the stages of a relationship to get there… Relationships should grow organically. I don’t think it requires you to go on formal dates where you quiz one another on surface information. I never asked that or expected that of you…?


Him: I think I’m just more codependent.


(*thinking*: maybe try working on that?)


Me: And I’m more independent.  I don’t feel like I need someone there for the sake of them being there. I feel smothered easily. I like to process information and think through things. I’m not an impulsive person and I wasn’t playing games with you or this.


Him: Listen. Everything about us was very real to me. Really. I meant everything and legitimately felt everything I told you I felt. I didn’t mean to hurt you…I feel bad about that and it really hurt (me) to end things, because we always had so much fun together and had become comfortable..I just started to feel like we weren’t going anywhere.


(*thought*: expressing that might have allowed us to work on that. But this man is exhausting).


Me: We flew through so much shit so fast that once things sort of settled it became uncomfortable (for you). Perhaps it stopped being entertaining and fun (to you). Maybe too routine (god was it routine).


(*thought*: even the sex was very routine and at times very technical.)


Me: I don’t know…? You don’t stay in the “honeymoon phase” forever. Eventually you have to deal with your relationship.


Me: Anyway, I don’t want to talk about this anymore…because this is like beating a fucking dead horse and I’m emotionally exhausted. I just needed you to know how I felt, because I never specifically told you.


Him: I’m so sorry 😦 .


Me: Ok. I do thank you for always being very kind, respectful, loving, nurturing and thoughtful.


Him: Of course. I feel like if you’re good to people you’ll receive the same in return. I could have honestly been very bitter behind what my ex (previous ex) did to me, but I felt like I came through the same as I was before.


Me: Glad to hear that *thumbs up*.


Him: You allowed me the realize that I am capable of being loved and taken care of. You treated me like fine china. You made me feel special. You made me laugh. You matched me with effort. You were always so patient and kind. You were a really good girlfriend. I had fun.


(thinking: then why the fuck did you breakup with me?!)


Me: Ok.


Him: No really. I appreciated that. I’m very glad to have met you and while we’re no longer together, I look forward to continuing to be friends.


Me: Yeah, I can only do that from an appropriate distance now. I do wish you well with everything though.


Him: Well, it sounds like you have your priorities straight, so I also wish you the best. You’re a really good friend.


(*thinking*: I’m really over this conversation)


Me: Well, I need to get going.


Him: Ok. It was good talking to you. Talk to you later?


Me: Have a good rest of your afternoon.

Our conversation was so draining to me, that I immediately had to take a power nap to recharge. After waking up from the nap, I felt a sense of relief and closure, like I could finally (and fully) move on from this.

And I do genuinely wish him well (under all of this, he is genuinely a good person with a huge heart and he means well), though I have a feeling he’ll quickly hop into another relationship (or two) and do all of this shit all over again. Won’t be my issue this time though (I lowkey hope it fails). Anyway, after processing our conversation, I realized that I no longer feel like speaking to him adds any value to my life. I’m not particularly motivated into being a “friend” to him. Speaking to him creates a lot of anxiety/stress or drums up really intense emotions. I rarely feel the happiness I once felt. My emotional well being is important to me and I’ve really been making an effort to work on ME these last few weeks. While our relationship at times was fun (and we cared about each other greatly), I look at it now as being problematic to perhaps both of our psyches.

I’ve decided that I’m going to leave him and this raggedy situation in 2017. I don’t care to drag this into a new year. I want to start fresh, free of baggage. I hope he understands it’s not personal. Well, it is…but like, I don’t think he’s a terrible person.

In other news, I started the process of allowing myself to accept the attention and flirtation of others, more specifically this past Saturday, but I’ll leave that night of adventure for a later post, because this foolish boy in this post exhausted me.

 

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is for my heart to heal. I know I’m not perfect, I know I’m not always “good (though I really try to be)”, but being able to heal and recover would mean the world to me.

Feel free to leave the doctored up version of my broken heart under the tree (or well, plant, since I cannot seem to find my Christmas spirit this year) and please leave it unwrapped for immediate use.

I promise to take better care of my heart moving forward to ensure that it is not so easily damaged.

fixed heart

Sincerely,

-J