1 Thing and 1 Thing Only

This weekend was bananas. This time last week, I I told myself that I was going to make every effort to keep a low profile and catch up on the rest I lost in the week and weekend before, but alas, that plan went down the toilet quickly as last week unfolded and I felt like I needed to release a lot of stress. I’ve really got to learn how to stop agreeing to going to everyone’s this and that to appear “social”. I guess part of me wants to appear “invested” in many of my newer friends (situationships, and otherwise), but it’s also depleting me of energy.

Last week by far was one of my more trying weeks that I’ve had professionally in a really long time. Aside from the regular stress that typically comes with this time of year, I also had the added stress of our system going offline several times and fighting with developers over numerous unexplained bugs/glitches. On top of all of that, I had two critical meetings to prepare for and a workshop to teach. I didn’t even get around to preparing for the workshop until 11 o’clock the night before because I had spent the entire week up to that point putting out fires (oh and I had promised The teacher, I’d meet him for dinner–that’s for another post though). I’m happy to report that everything worked out well. Fires were put out, bugs/glitches were resolved (in the 11th hour nonetheless), my workshop went almost too smoothly and my director and boss raved about how IMPRESSED they were with my work and my ability to work well under extreme pressure and how I’ve really, “taken on” a leadership role in the office. I was too tired to celebrate any of those successes, but made sure “treat myself” to a evening of pure idiocy with friends after work.

A good friend of mine hosted game night over his place, which ended up being a lot of fun. Usually a bunch of us will link up (formally) at a local bar for game night, but occasionally someone will actually host it in their house. At home game nights are far more intimate and cost effective. There was a ton of foolishness, drinks, cheese sticks (as well as pineapples?) and all around great fun. It was the best way to decompress after such a long and hellish week. While partaking in the buffoonery of game night, I realized (in my tipsy haze) that a newer friend of mine was kind of attractive. We’ve known each other a few months, but mostly in passing and haven’t “bonded” as I have with my other friends who were there. We tagged teamed all night on games and flirted most of the night–though I’m going to blame the majority of that on the alcohol, because we were both pretty sauced up when all was said and done. It was nice to get a goodbye hug from him when he called it a night shortly before 2 a.m.

Now mind you, I was fairly hungover the following day. Far more than I anticipated, especially since I downed several FULL bottles of water in the last hour or two of the night before I left and I even ate a slice of pizza someone ordered. I guess that’s my body’s way of telling me I’m old? Anywho, I gave myself the day to run errands and prepare for date night with Babyface. When we last left off, I was given sound advice to step back and make him plan our next date. Did he do this? Not entirely. Outside of picking he day/time and suggesting we eat some place with “decent whiskey” that’s about the extent of the planning he did. He pretty much left the rest up to me and told me he’d pick me up by 8.

So 7 o’clock rolls around and I hadn’t heard from him, which is unlike him. While I’ve mentioned before that our text message conversations are often meaningless back and forth babble, we re pretty much in touch all day (everyday). I finally decided to see if we were still on for 8 so that I knew whether or not to proceed to finish dolling up and to get back with another friend of mine who had invited me out for wing night. His reasoning being so quiet during the day/evening? He was hungover….Yeah…I’m not even going to begin to dissect just how irresponsible it is of him (at 30) to have consumed so much alcohol the night before that his body was still recovering that evening (since I too had quite a rough start to the morning). But to do so at the expense of someone else’s time is downright rude and tacky. At some point during the day, he could have touch base to let me know what was going on or hell, he could have even postponed the night all together, so as long as I wasn’t being held up on account of his nonsense.

So two hours later (mind you, it’s about 9:30 p.m. at this point) he arrives to pick me up, kisses me (as if he didn’t just pull this stunt) and asks if I’m ready, before interrupting himself and asking, “…if you’re even still hungry (ha), I know it’s a little late, I’m sorry about that.” I should have punched him in his adorable face for that remark.

 

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*Srlsy?*

A little late” might have been 8:15, 8:30…but to tell me around 7 that you’re “getting ready and you’ll be on your way” to show up at 9:30 p.m., is very late. Matter of fact, I had a hard time deciding if I was more angry at him for not making a bigger deal of his tardiness or the fact that I missed out on eating ACTUAL dinner with ACTUAL people that would have been timely (and entertaining). Chicken Wings n thangz! Part of me wanted to scream at him (like a crazy person, but I checked myself..took a breath and proceeded to head downtown with him in the most passive and non-confrontational way possible. I spent too much time dolling up to waste it.

Since he never specifically fleshed out our date outside of wanting us to do dinner at a place that had “decent whiskey”, I suggested a classy spot that I’ve been to with a few fellow bourbon enthusiasts friends. The place is a step classier than your typical bar and has about ten pages (front and back) of whiskey and bourbon selections, organized by place or origin (country/region), then traditional, wheat and rye. Yum yum yum. I was ecstatic about this place, because I’ve grown to love bourbon ever since my ex introduced it to me last year. I wanted to impress Babyface by my vast knowledge of bourbon selections (since he told me he appreciated whiskey one night when we were downing jim beam at dinner). I smugly ordered buffalo trace (neat) to start as Babyface searched the menu back and forth in panic mode. His puppy dog eyes scanned the menu as if he was trying to comprehend a foreign language.  It dawned on me ten minutes into this that he might have been overwhelmed and not well versed in the world of bourbon selections, so I offered him help. He smiled sweetly and just opted to order an IPA.

First of all…who orders a beer at a bourbon spot? I didn’t even know they SOLD beer there.

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2-3 drinks in, I finally talked him into ordering a cocktail and he ordered a drink with (American) absinthe. By this point, I stopped caring to appear cultured to him probably because I was on my second old fashion of the night, like the classy broad that I am.

We never did end up eating at the bourbon spot (even though their food is amazing) because again, I believe BF was overwhelmed by the menu or maybe he was still drunk or hovering somewhere between coming off his hangover and moving into stage 1 intoixcation. He instead suggested we swing by cookout on the way back, because virtually every other decent restaurant was closed for the night. I was too sauced to argue with him at this point and my hopes to have a nice and classy date were shot to hell. I was a mixture between hangry, intoxicated and exhausted. All I wanted to do was go home and go to bed.

I don’t remember much after we got back to my place. I vaguely remember us eating–or well him eating, us laughing about something stupid in my kitchen while I sat on my counter (apparently I have him a beer and took a shot of tequila???), him playing with my cat  and I guess at some point us snuggling and passing out on the couch. I definitely don’t remember that last part, just waking up from it and netflix asking, “Are you still watching”. For whatever reason we both woke up at the same time to notice that the sun was up. It was 6:30 in the morning!! Do you know how startling it is to wake up to it being light outside when you had no idea you had even dosed off (when it was dark) to begin with? I was stressed and disoriented.

After the initial shock of realizing the sun was up, he followed me upstairs to bed like a lost puppy. I was basically concerned with continuing to sleep off the bourbon, but other things ended up going down. Some really pleasurable, hair raising, back arching, heart pounding, better-than-fresh-coffee thangs. There were a few intense rounds of this and I’m not even sure how because by this point we were both fairly sleep deprived, mildly still intoxicated and zombie like. Things settled around 8 or 9 and then he eventually left around 1 p.m. (after latching onto me for hours as he does whenever we sleep together).

I spent the rest of the day wondering what just happened and assessing just how angry I was at him for his tardiness the night before. Sure, he apologized (I think once in text and once in person), but part of me feels like he didn’t quite understand just how much he actually rubbed me the wrong way. I take quality time with the people in my life seriously and I expect them to do the same. If we say we’re getting together at a certain day or time, I expect those plans to be golden and I expect transparency and advanced(ish) notice if not so I can do other things. Me following up with you an hour before we’re supposed to get together–especially if it’s a time YOU selected, isn’t a good look. Part of me feels like I should have cancelled our date to be petty and prove a point, but I have an issue and I think I’m addicted to his…retracted

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My feelings towards BF have shifted quite a bit in these past few weeks, drastically even since we started dating a few months ago…while he’s fun and I genuinely enjoy spending time with him (he’s a nice guy and makes me laugh), I’ve become more concerned (and less emotionally detached) with the physical benefits of it all. In my mind, it’s like he’s serving a very specific purpose. I know, I know, I know. This is terrible and I’m not usually this person, but man oh man. He’s got a talent.

Anyway, I’ve spoken to a few friends about this and they all agree that I should seriously sit down and talk to Babyface about his rude act Saturday night (and his piss poor efforts in planning and being decisive in general) because, “how dare he?”. One of my friends mentioned that he says like he’s either very lazy or too comfortable. While it was very F-boyish behavior (even for him–especially being 30), I don’t know if I’m invested enough to really address or entertain it for that matter. Would addressing it really assure that this doesn’t happen again? Would he even comprehend or just assume I’m being a nag? I don’t care. It’s just shown me that he’s a terrible planner and I should protect my time a little bit better for someone/some people who reciprocate those simple line items of respect. Why should I be punctual and plan my entire evening around him?  If I want to go grab chicken wings with friends when I know he’s supposed to be on a date with him in an hour….why not? Why should I be respectful of his time or energy/effort? I mean, I’ve tossed around completely eliminating trying to “traditionally date” him and just get to down the “dessert”. I’m getting frustrated with him and I’d prefer to put my effort into other things.

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Mr. Swagoo

So I’ve been meaning to write a follow up post about dude from valentine’s day, let’s just call him, “mr. swagoo”. As I mentioned in that post, I was instantly drawn to him because he was so cool. He’s traveled to all of these amazing places, seemed really smart, was very well put together, dressed very professionally and was very kind and non judgemental to everyone. Talking to him seemed to come second nature to me and we spent hours in a bar valentine’s day chatting, which sealed our solid friendship.

Fast Forward several weeks and we’ve even gone out a few times (solo) as friends. One Saturday night, he took me to a concert downtown. It was kind of a lame concert (a friend of his got free tickets and gave them to him), but it was still fun being there with him and cracking jokes about everything around us.

Friday night I had a huge gathering for my birthday at this local Mexican restaurant and he came out despite not really knowing any of my other friends, which I thought was sweet, especially since we’ve known each other MAYBE three and a half weeks. He immediately integrated in with everyone as if he had known them all for years and even really hit it off with another good friend that I recently met a week or two coming off of the break-up. He “worked the room” much better than I did (after a  while, I became too drunk and overwhelmed to really move around like that and just sort of allowed people to come to me).

After chatting with everyone, he came back over to me and bought me a few drinks (he his a jack and coke, old fashion or bourbon neat sort of guy–classy). The way he sat close to me and placed his hand on mine as we chatted caused me to tune everyone else out and tune into to him exclusively. He tuned everyone out as well and focused just on me. We talked about getting together in the coming week for dinner and HIS birthday dinner the following weekend (which he invited me to the same night that we met). He left towards the end of the dinner as my other friends started talking about making plans to venture downtown. He gave me this huge bear hug and told me to text him. He explicitly also asked me to text him later to let him know I made it home ok too (after the tomfoolery downtown with friends). As the responsible adult that he is, he mentioned needing to get some rest so he could tend to his yard work in the morning.  He owns his own house about five minutes down the road from my townhome (which I am renting-eek) and I found out through conversation that he owns a corvette (o__o) as a second car. Clearly I’m not living my best life, folks.

After his departure, one of my lifelong best friends (who was also there) made a comment to me about how nice mr. swagoo seemed and even asked if there was something going on between us.

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At first I found this funny until I actually thought about it (in my drunken mind) and how I may have been unintentionally friendzoning him. Oops. I thought back to all of the times he asked to “hangout” and how half of those times I declined in order to dick around with friends or the guys HALF his worth I’ve been dating. I thought about how he always texts me and how responsive, funny and very kind he is in his texts. I thought about how well we clicked that night we met and how non-judgemental he is. I thought about how I’ve seen numerous examples of how sweet and thoughtful he is…and I thought about how nice he dressed.

Why have I been blind to this?! Have I really spent this many weeks in a consistent drunken haze that I haven’t noticed?!

I think what it boils down to (and I did a tweet thread about this last weekend) is that I’m so used to having guy friends that I often don’t think twice about it. I just assume if I met a guy under the realm of a friendly environment, friends we sha’ll be! I rarely stop to think, “maybe this guy quite possibly may want to be all up in my guts…or in the very least, might want to entertain getting to know me beyond friends”. It literally takes a guy shaking me and shouting that he wants to date me sometimes in order for me to realize these things. This might also have something to do with self esteem (although much better than years past) and how I don’t really believe I’m anyone’s “type” or truly believe guys when they tell me they like or me that I’m beautiful. Yeah I know, this is wild. I’m working through this.

I’m not saying this guy is any of those things and for all I know maybe he’s just really nice and enjoys my company just as I enjoy his. I will say that my eyes are open now and I’m starting to pay a little bit more attention to him. I’d like to get to know him more, even if it’s as friends. He had my curiosity, now he has my attention. He’s not even my “type”, which might be perfect, because clearly my “type” hasn’t been working out so well these last few years. I realized this weekend that I find him to be extremely sexy. He just has swag out of this atmosphere and I want to be around the good vibes he’s putting off.

Anyway, I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself here, I just plan to be a bit more on alert than before. I’m fine being friends with him because he’s unlike anyone else in my life right now and I think he offers a different perspective on life. He’s allowing me to reconsider what I want out of life and how maybe I’m holding back just a bit on some of my goals and dreams.

 

Brown Eyed Boy.

I made it a point this past week to continue on the path to “normalcy”. With Christmas around the corner, I’ve started to have a lot more social engagements that have kept me busy. Being busy helps me to feel better. Seeing friends, sharing a meal, doing an activity and laughter all help me to (temporarily) feel like myself again.

While I know I’m nowhere near ready to legitimately get back out there and date again (dating is the fucking worst), I’ve decided to start meeting people (just to rebuild my confidence) and boy did a meet a bunch of people this past week. There was the guy I spoke to Tuesday night while watching a basketball game at Ale house. Like me, he was having a beer while waiting for his friends to show up for dinner. There was the guy I met at karaoke night on Thursday, that I talked to about cars for the better part of two hours. And then there was the guy I met on Friday while out (at a bar) with some friends during our weekly game night.

We had just wrapped up our fifth or sixth round of uno (house rules) and downed maybe our second or third round of beers. The bar was jam packed, the place was hoppin and my face hurt from laughing at my friend Greg as he became more and more inebriated as the night progressed and then he appeared.

“Hey, I noticed that you guys were playing a game. Do you mind if I join in? I’m new in town and I literally don’t know anyone here yet”

He was tall and bearded with tussled dark brown hair and brown puppy dog eyes. He appeared slightly nervous and smiled sweetly as we all looked over at him a bit taken a back by his presence. I found it a little bold for him to interrupt our game, but I also found him to have a lot of courage as well. I immediately welcomed him to sit down and we integrated him into our game. We played several more rounds of uno (I had to teach him how to play) and then we moved to “Cards against Humanity”, a game he taught me how to play and a game that I ended up winning. He found my answers to be hilarious.

During our games, I found out he was from Utah, an ex-Mormon, worked in marketing and was actually visiting for the weekend to tour the area and look at possible areas to live. He explained that while he hadn’t found a job in the area yet, he wanted to move to the area for a, “change” from life in Salt Lake (Utah) and decided to visit to check everything out. He was very warmhearted and had very kind eyes. He seemed amused by the silly things I would say while we gamed and seemed intrigued by the brief bits of surface information I shared about myself. As we talked, I couldn’t help but to find myself really attracted to him. He seemed a little goofy, slightly nerdy, but super intelligent and extremely sweet. I found myself getting lost in his big doe-like eyes. The only weird thing about him was that his voice sounded exactly like my ex’s. I could literally close my eyes and picture my ex speaking. That was a little bizarre and unsettling at first.

We spoke for another hour or so after everyone was buzzed and a bit gamed out. He sat closer to me by this point so that we could hear one another over the echos of the people around us.  At this point, only he and I were having a separate conversation from everyone else. He mentioned wanting to explore the city the following day and I offered up some suggestions to him and somehow threw in that I would, “be around” if he needed someone to “explore with”. He took the bate and asked for my number.

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Shortly after we exchanged numbers, he called it a night because he was tired from traveling (had just gotten in town nearly 2-3 hours before game night). I couldn’t help but to feel like I had, “won”, because I saw a guy that I found interesting, spoke to him, HIT ON HIM, GOT HIS NUMBER AND secured an exploration date of sorts. This is so far out of my character. I don’t usually pursue guys so quickly, but I had it in my mind that I liked him, found him attractive and wanted to spend more time with him separately from my friends (who by the way were all guys that evening).

The following morning, he…(let’s just call him, “Jake” – not his actual name, but slightly resembles a darker haired, more average-looking Jake Gyllenhaal with brown eyes) texted me and asked if I still wanted to explore the city with him.

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We agreed to meeting up for brunch and started the day from there. I made it a point to shower, put on makeup and to not put on sweats (Yes, there have been days lately where I have been physically unable to get out of bed–mostly weekend days).

We met at this cute little southern cafe’. He looked even cuter than he did the previous night. It’s like his adorable factor tripled. I guess everyone gets hotter once they get sleep! He wore a button down shirt, jeans and black pea coat (he seemed a little more dressed up than someone just exploring a new city and more dressed up than the night before). He gave me a huge hug as he walked up to me (as if we had known each other for years). He had a smile from ear to ear and seemed even taller than he did the night before. He smelled like sunshine and happiness.

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Over brunch, we spoke more intimately. He went into more detail about himself, his interests, his hobbies, his family, his ex-faith etc. And admitted how nervous he was the night before when he approached my friends and I about joining in on our game night. He said everyone gave him weird looks, minus me. He appreciated that I smiled at him and immediately welcomed him to join us. He said he could tell I was very kind. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him and barely touched my brunch as we continued to chit chat. Everything about him seemed happy, peaceful and kind.

We walked around the city for several hours after brunch and continued talking. He completely allowed me to be his “guide” and trusted everything I said about the city. My tour guide skills are a little raggedy, since I don’t usually have to explain the city to people. He seemed excited and intrigued anyway.

We brushed hands and shoulders a few times while walking and bashfully blushed and smiled at one another like school children. After several hours of walking and rambling on about our lives, I realized that I didn’t have my phone on me!

I frantically dug around in my pockets and purse, but there was nothing there. He could tell I was a bit concerned and suggested that we retrace our steps back towards our brunch spot. Low and behold, my phone was safely tucked away by staff at the cafe. Thank god, because I just got this phone a month ago.

We toured around for a few more hours until it started getting dark and we started getting hungry again. We stepped into a BBQ joint (the staple food of this area) for dinner where we discussed the day’s adventures. He kept saying how much he appreciated me showing him around and how he really enjoyed our time together. The entire day felt like an exaggerated date, but I knew we were just two people meandering around the city, enjoying each other’s company.

We parted ways after dinner as it was starting to get late and we’d literally knocked out 20K steps walking around all day. He thanked me once more for the lovely day, gave me a huge bear hug and told me he’d keep in touch about relocating here. He gave me a kiss on the forehead and wished me a goodnight.

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Gurrrrl. Whet?!

This morning I woke up to a message from him letting me know he was on the way to the airport and thanked me again for such a great time. We agreed to keep in touch and that was it.

While I had such a great time with “Jake”, It’s not realistic to think of a future with him. Who knows when or IF he’ll move here. Even if he DOES move here, it’d probably be months before that even happened. Nobody can promise what life will be like months from now. While I enjoyed his company, it would be foolish for me to wait around for him (which I won’t).

I will say this though, confidently pursuing”Jake” and spending time with him really helped take my mind off of my ex. It also gave me some hope that maybe I’m not doomed in regards to love forever and always. Perhaps someday I’ll be able to find someone that makes my woman bits heart flutter in that school girlish crush way that “Jake” did.  It’s like god dropped him off friday night as a late night treat. He was refreshing. Maybe I’ll be open to dating a bit further on down the road. Maybe I can find a, “Jake”.