I woke up this morning drenched in sweat after a particularly shitty night of tossing, turning and fragmented sleep. I was burning up, then freezing cold, on and off, I couldn’t get comfortable and I couldn’t settle my mind. I felt overly emotional and and then apathetic, but nothing in particular was triggering these feelings.
Since I was sleeping over BF’s and didn’t want to wake him out of his peaceful slumber, I mostly found myself looking at the ceiling, hoping time would quickly pass. When it was finally time to get up and head back to my place to get ready for work I just couldn’t pull myself to shake the exhaustion. He practically had to drag me out of the bed, because I couldn’t ‘adult’. It was a different kind of a tired, more of an entire mind, body and soul type of tired that only consumes me every once in a while. I knew this feeling wasn’t a bug or a virus, but my anxiety/depression peaking out from hibernation.
I made it to work, still feeling “off” and decided to leave about four hours in. There was no point in being there because I was unable to concentrate on any one task. I was exerting too much energy to do simple things like read emails. Add in the tragic Vegas Mass shooting from yesterday and I just couldn’t function today.
I got home and curled up on the couch for a few hours dosing in and out of sleep, trying to figure out where this dark cloud was coming from. I felt lazy and helpless for sitting there doing and nothing. I’ve been relatively happy for the past few months and this seems to be coming out of nowhere. I can’t seem to shake it or “sleep it off”. No amount of sleeping aids, night caps or “distractions” seem to be knocking this one out either.
I guess that’s the thing about depression. You could be in a relatively happy stage in your life in general and depression will pop out unexpectedly to intervene. I really hope I am able to get through this episode. I really hate feeling like this when I am genuinely in a good place in my life.