All I Want to Do is Eat

I have no idea what’s wrong with me, but lately (within the past 1-2 weeks), all I’ve wanted to do was eattttttttttt. Granted, I “eat”, but I’ve wanted to eat legit super shitty food…like this cookie bar I’m currently smashing after eating a BLT sandwich leftover from a meeting at work yesterday.

patrick

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Maybe it’s the Hummus talking…

I’m about to spill some much needed T down this page…even if it’s just for my own reality check.

Sidebar: I’m eating hummus in an attempt not to eat junk food.

So ok, I was reading a Twitter thread this morning about the slow death of a situationship/relationship.


The man speaks mad truth & his entire thread was relatable, but it got me to thinking how I have a bad habit of focusing too much on someone’s potential  and not the “here and now” version of them acting a fucking mess right in front of me. This also got me to thinking how I often don’t hold people accountable to even CHOOSE to feel and exhibit/communicate said feelings like an emotionally mature adult. I’ve always tried to see everyone’s good intentions and “hope” that they will eventually act like they have some fucking sense, but in the meantime, I’ll just patiently wait until they do and that can be emotionally frustrating to me.

Fuck. All of that.

That idea of thinking has (at times) landed me in situations where I’ve gotten burned. I was actually in a situation four years ago exactly like the Twitter thread above. I went along with a situation that seemed to be going somewhere and to have it kind of crumble just as quickly as it blossomed.

A little wiser now, I’ve learned a lot from that situation and grown from it. I have a better idea of what I want and more importantly what I need.

It would be easy for me to fall back into old habits with this guy (dating, but sometimes in a relationship, but then situationshipping it), but I deserve better than that & I would hope he realizes he does too. I’ve kept a considerable amount of  distance (technology wise- since we already live in different towns) from him lately, mostly just to back off and do my own thing. No, I’m not angry or upset at him, I just want to kick back in my own thoughts for a spell. We’ve spoken on the phone or through text (mutual initiation) weekly in the past month and I’m A-ok with it.

The hardest part for me is dismissing his horrible habit of selling dreams. He’s such a sweet guy, but he often gets carried away in saying all of this highly sentimental bullshit, which I believe is true, but 50% of the time doesn’t always have the “balls” to back it up/doesn’t know how to show it.

I’m an “actions” person. There is only so much you’re going to be able to say to me before I ask you to “prove it”.

Additional Edit: All the bitter rambling aside, he’s really impressed me with how much he’s grown over the years. He’s almost becoming that guy (emotionally) that I WISH he had been when I dated him. I often wonder what things would be like if things between us actually progressed again.

Refocus.

In honor of the twitter trending topic #wastehistime2016, I decided now would be as good as any time to start blogging semi-regularly again.

It’s funny, because the trending topic brought up many memories of just how messy and wasteful 2015 was for me in terms of “dating”. I’m going to leave that in quotes because I don’t particularly want to claim any of the guys that I “dated” last year. I’d like to indefinitely cut ties with  most all of them and move forward with 2016 on a squeaky clean slate.

The most recent guy I dated (this is not in quotations because he willingly went around publically telling people we were actually dating after the first week?–WTF), turned out to be the biggest waste of time and energy from all of last year hands down. I’m not going to go into a great deal of detail about him, but I learned the valuable lesson of never rebounding with someone else who is also on the rebound, because you both tend to be messy as hell and move entirely too quickly with no defined path. We had our fun here and there, but the situation would have never realistically sustained itself in the long run. There were so many flags on the play.

Anyway, I have found myself to be exhausted after that situation (and last year in general), so I’ve decided to take a break from dating to heal and refocus. I’d like to refocus on my career, my hobbies, family, friends and blogging!

Here’s to hoping that 2016 is better than 2015 and that I find my inner peace.

I also hope to actually keep up with blogging this year.