Brown Eyed Boy.

I made it a point this past week to continue on the path to “normalcy”. With Christmas around the corner, I’ve started to have a lot more social engagements that have kept me busy. Being busy helps me to feel better. Seeing friends, sharing a meal, doing an activity and laughter all help me to (temporarily) feel like myself again.

While I know I’m nowhere near ready to legitimately get back out there and date again (dating is the fucking worst), I’ve decided to start meeting people (just to rebuild my confidence) and boy did a meet a bunch of people this past week. There was the guy I spoke to Tuesday night while watching a basketball game at Ale house. Like me, he was having a beer while waiting for his friends to show up for dinner. There was the guy I met at karaoke night on Thursday, that I talked to about cars for the better part of two hours. And then there was the guy I met on Friday while out (at a bar) with some friends during our weekly game night.

We had just wrapped up our fifth or sixth round of uno (house rules) and downed maybe our second or third round of beers. The bar was jam packed, the place was hoppin and my face hurt from laughing at my friend Greg as he became more and more inebriated as the night progressed and then he appeared.

“Hey, I noticed that you guys were playing a game. Do you mind if I join in? I’m new in town and I literally don’t know anyone here yet”

He was tall and bearded with tussled dark brown hair and brown puppy dog eyes. He appeared slightly nervous and smiled sweetly as we all looked over at him a bit taken a back by his presence. I found it a little bold for him to interrupt our game, but I also found him to have a lot of courage as well. I immediately welcomed him to sit down and we integrated him into our game. We played several more rounds of uno (I had to teach him how to play) and then we moved to “Cards against Humanity”, a game he taught me how to play and a game that I ended up winning. He found my answers to be hilarious.

During our games, I found out he was from Utah, an ex-Mormon, worked in marketing and was actually visiting for the weekend to tour the area and look at possible areas to live. He explained that while he hadn’t found a job in the area yet, he wanted to move to the area for a, “change” from life in Salt Lake (Utah) and decided to visit to check everything out. He was very warmhearted and had very kind eyes. He seemed amused by the silly things I would say while we gamed and seemed intrigued by the brief bits of surface information I shared about myself. As we talked, I couldn’t help but to find myself really attracted to him. He seemed a little goofy, slightly nerdy, but super intelligent and extremely sweet. I found myself getting lost in his big doe-like eyes. The only weird thing about him was that his voice sounded exactly like my ex’s. I could literally close my eyes and picture my ex speaking. That was a little bizarre and unsettling at first.

We spoke for another hour or so after everyone was buzzed and a bit gamed out. He sat closer to me by this point so that we could hear one another over the echos of the people around us.¬† At this point, only he and I were having a separate conversation from everyone else. He mentioned wanting to explore the city the following day and I offered up some suggestions to him and somehow threw in that I would, “be around” if he needed someone to “explore with”. He took the bate and asked for my number.

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Shortly after we exchanged numbers, he called it a night because he was tired from traveling (had just gotten in town nearly 2-3 hours before game night). I couldn’t help but to feel like I had, “won”, because I saw a guy that I found interesting, spoke to him, HIT ON HIM, GOT HIS NUMBER AND secured an exploration date of sorts. This is so far out of my character. I don’t usually pursue guys so quickly, but I had it in my mind that I liked him, found him attractive and wanted to spend more time with him separately from my friends (who by the way were all guys that evening).

The following morning, he…(let’s just call him, “Jake” – not his actual name, but slightly resembles a darker haired, more average-looking Jake Gyllenhaal with brown eyes) texted me and asked if I still wanted to explore the city with him.

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We agreed to meeting up for brunch and started the day from there. I made it a point to shower, put on makeup and to not put on sweats (Yes, there have been days lately where I have been physically unable to get out of bed–mostly weekend days).

We met at this cute little southern cafe’. He looked even cuter than he did the previous night. It’s like his adorable factor tripled. I guess everyone gets hotter once they get sleep! He wore a button down shirt, jeans and black pea coat (he seemed a little more dressed up than someone just exploring a new city and more dressed up than the night before). He gave me a huge hug as he walked up to me (as if we had known each other for years). He had a smile from ear to ear and seemed even taller than he did the night before. He smelled like sunshine and happiness.

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Over brunch, we spoke more intimately. He went into more detail about himself, his interests, his hobbies, his family, his ex-faith etc. And admitted how nervous he was the night before when he approached my friends and I about joining in on our game night. He said everyone gave him weird looks, minus me. He appreciated that I smiled at him and immediately welcomed him to join us. He said he could tell I was very kind. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him and barely touched my brunch as we continued to chit chat. Everything about him seemed happy, peaceful and kind.

We walked around the city for several hours after brunch and continued talking. He completely allowed me to be his “guide” and trusted everything I said about the city. My tour guide skills are a little raggedy, since I don’t usually have to explain the city to people. He seemed excited and intrigued anyway.

We brushed hands and shoulders a few times while walking and bashfully blushed and smiled at one another like school children. After several hours of walking and rambling on about our lives, I realized that I didn’t have my phone on me!

I frantically dug around in my pockets and purse, but there was nothing there. He could tell I was a bit concerned and suggested that we retrace our steps back towards our brunch spot. Low and behold, my phone was safely tucked away by staff at the cafe. Thank god, because I just got this phone a month ago.

We toured around for a few more hours until it started getting dark and we started getting hungry again. We stepped into a BBQ joint (the staple food of this area) for dinner where we discussed the day’s adventures. He kept saying how much he appreciated me showing him around and how he really enjoyed our time together. The entire day felt like an exaggerated date, but I knew we were just two people meandering around the city, enjoying each other’s company.

We parted ways after dinner as it was starting to get late and we’d literally knocked out 20K steps walking around all day. He thanked me once more for the lovely day, gave me a huge bear hug and told me he’d keep in touch about relocating here. He gave me a kiss on the forehead and wished me a goodnight.

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Gurrrrl. Whet?!

This morning I woke up to a message from him letting me know he was on the way to the airport and thanked me again for such a great time. We agreed to keep in touch and that was it.

While I had such a great time with “Jake”, It’s not realistic to think of a future with him. Who knows when or IF he’ll move here. Even if he DOES move here, it’d probably be months before that even happened. Nobody can promise what life will be like months from now. While I enjoyed his company, it would be foolish for me to wait around for him (which I won’t).

I will say this though, confidently pursuing”Jake” and spending time with him really helped take my mind off of my ex. It also gave me some hope that maybe I’m not doomed in regards to love forever and always. Perhaps someday I’ll be able to find someone that makes my woman bits heart flutter in that school girlish crush way that “Jake” did. He was refreshing. Maybe I’ll be open to dating a bit further on down the road.

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One of the Good Days

It’s been a few weeks now and I’ve recently gotten to a point where I feel completely at peace with everything.

In thinking over these past few weeks, I realize he was right and that we both confused companionship, general friendship and intense passion with chemistry. It happens, IT happened and I’m ok. We’ve communicated a few times since without any drama or resentment, which is awesome. We’re still able to have actual conversations. In general, I still like him as a person and wish him well, he deserves it, I just no longer have romantic feelings towards him. I wish more people were like him though. Very genuine guy. He restored my faith in the possibility of love (and men) and I appreciate that .

Aside from feeling a little more like myself, I’ve made it a point to occupy my free time with hobbies, outings with friends and traveling. I haven’t had too many weekends at home lately, which may or may not be a good thing ūüėä. Aside from the exhaustion, I’m just enjoying life.

This past weekend, I made a last minute trip to the western part of the state, this time with my family for the holiday weekend. While I was there, I met up with blast from the past. He took me out for dinner Saturday and get this, stayed off of his phone and actually engaged in conversation with me the entire time. Granted, he SHOULD have been doing this all along, but it was refreshing to connect with him as we used to. I really miss that sometimes. We really had some great times back then.

The whole situation with the ex (can I call him that since he referred to us as a couple???), made me also realize that while blast from the past and I are practically a perfect match on paper (no, this actually happened), we’re probably better off as friends and that’s ok. Maybe at times I latch on to him out of loneliness and he does the same thing. I feel like there’s mutual love there, but more along the lines of loyalty and support. In all of his stupidness, I’m confident that he’ll always have my back and I will have his.

Speaking of which, he finally gave me my birthday gift (only a month & 1/2 late). Ha, in his defense, he had to build it….

The last time I visited him, I was eyeballing Sega’s version of the NES classic. I didn’t spend a great deal of time checking it out and had no idea he really paid any attention to my drooling. Fast forward to this past weekend and he gives me what’s called a “raspberry pi”, which is basically a miniature computer (about the size of a cassette tape), that he preloaded with thousands of games from EVERY classic gaming system! Nostalgia ūüėć. You can plug the device into your t.v. and a game controller into the device to play. What a cool gift…that he built…spend hours on… Probably one of the most thoughtful gifts to date–which sidebar, he’s been giving me a ton of non holiday related gifts over the past year, “just because” ūü§Ē.

Outside of all of that, I’ve just been focused on being happy and I’ve been realitively anxiety free lately (knock on wood). Dating–especially serious dating, makes me anxious. I’m not really in a rush to go out and date right now. I’m ok with being single. Besides, if I dated right now I would have zero interest in the guy really. There’s this guy that’s shown interest in dating me (and we’ve been out for drinks super casually – as in sneakers and jeans casually ), but I honestly can’t take him seriously for a plethora of reasons (too lazy to devote that level of interest to list)…all of this being stacked on top of my lack of interest in actually dating is an equation for going nowhere fast.

I have a feeling life will pan out. Life has a funny way of doing that. Just when you think something is the end of the world, something even better comes along.

Keep Calm and…

My anxiety has been a little elevated lately. Even though I take medicine to “control it”, I periodically have episodes triggered by events or situations where I feel out of control or overwhelmed. Even if it’s triggered by one situation (or event), it spills out into other areas of my life.

Thursday, one of my best friends was in town for the night and came over to my place for a bit. Ideally, I should have been supportive and joined him out for his performance, but my anxiety and exhaustion caused me to feel paralyzed, to where I couldn’t. I feel like a terrible friend for this. Even though we hungout before his performance, I should have been there and the guilt of Thursday is getting to me.

I’ve been kind of self-doubting and second guessing things with the new guy, which is weird, because nothing has changed. He seems a little more at ease, like maybe he’s more sure of how I feel, so he doesn’t have to bend over backwards to get my attention . He’s been fairly consistent in his actions since we’ve been dating, but I’m starting to over analyze everything (in my head) and think, “he’s going to get to the point where he’s not going to want to date me anymore…”, which is interupting¬†the joy of spending time together because that’s in the back of my head. I often wonder if he’s still interested, which is stupid, because we’ve literally gone out every week since we started dating and talked between dates for hours at a time (I’ll post separately about last night’s date). I go as far as to NOT text him often. Usually, I’ll initiate a conversation about once a week and he’ll do the same. ¬†Logically, if he WASN’T that interested, he probably wouldn’t be willing to do any of that. If I wasn’t interested in dating someone, I wouldn’t agree or suggest that we keep getting together and I probably wouldn’t waste hours during the week texting with them. At least, I hope not, because what would he have to gain?

On the same topic of new guy, I found myself accidentally admitting to “dating” him while out with some friends Friday night at a bar. New guy and I were having a text message conversation, trying to finalize things for Saturday (which we still didn’t do that night anyway) and one of my more nosy friends asked who I was texting. Blushing, I stated, “nobody important”. My friend laughed and said that my face said otherwise and then I just blurted it out, “I’m just talking to this guy I’ve been dating for a few weeks…”

I can’t belive I told them that so casually. I’m a very private person and most of these friends I’ve just recently became close enough to them (not too long before dating new guy) to spend time with them on a regular basis. I’m a private person and I don’t really like talking about my love life, especially so early in. It’s still new. We’re still feeling each other out. I also don’t like talking about it because if it doesn’t last, I’ve got to answer additional questions about it… I told new guy about this conversation (not the ‘if it doesn’t work out’ part) and how I usually only shared personal things about myself to people I’m close to and when I felt like it was appropriate. New guy assured me it was ok, but that he understood and that if I needed to stop texting him and continue my night out with them, that it wouldn’t hurt his feelings. We ended up talking for an additional 2 hours until I went to bed.

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Another thing that’s been elevating my anxiety is apartment/house/townhouse shopping. Ultimately, I’d like to BUY something, but my credit (though it’s improving) is not where I’d like it to be right now. I’ve settled on just renting for another year at a place closer to work, but everything is so fucking expensive. I mean really. I’m looking at paying at least $250 more per month just by moving about half an hour closer to work.

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Throw in the fact that I’m super indecisive anyway and this process has literally upset my stomach and on numerous occasions (I actually had to stop at the store on the way home friday night to buy antacids and pepto). I like where I live now. I like my townhouse. I like the price I’m paying for it. I like my neighborhood. I like living in this city (even though my job is in a separate city), I just don’t like the commute. I wish I could pick up my current place and plop it closer to work and be done with this search.

I halfway settled on one place and simply STARTED an online application with the thought that I would finish it when I felt like i truly made the decision to want¬†to live there, but I got an email today saying that had already “processed”the application and had “questions” about it, like if I had pay stubs to submit. This really stunned me, because I never submitted anything formally and I never even finished the application itself. I never got to the acknowledgement page that you’re SUPPOSED to sign stating that you understand all of their rules/policies and that you’re OK with them running your credit and background check. This is a pretty standard declaration that appears in all contracts, especially rental ones. I’m curious to figure out what gave them the indication that I was finished with the application, when bits and pieces of it were obviously missing and why they processed it without asking me about it beforehand. The whole thing doesn’t sit well with me to be honest.

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I also know work is about to swing into high gear this week until about mid-July (with each week increasing in craziness). While I’m a little more prepared for it than I was last year (being new last year), I’m still not quite mentally ready for the high pressure stress of it all.

One good thing that I’m looking forward to is getting away from it all later on this week.¬†I’m flying out to visit one of my best friends (see the start of this post) and I’m sure that will ease my nerves, because we always have such amazing adventures together.

Initiation.

I feel like I always initiate communication with a lot of the people in my life and it’s exhausting. There are a group of people that will (occasionally) return the favor and I really appreciate them for that.

Just like everyone else, I go through things, I have reasons to celebrate, etc and it’s nice knowing your friend or family member cares and wants to check in with you from time to time.

As a friend, daughter, granddaughter, cousin, etc, I feel like I go out of my way to check in and stay in touch and those same people are not sharing that responsibility.

I understand and respect that everyone is busy (including me most days), but no one should be made to feel like they are in a one sided relationship (romantic or otherwise).

Thirty has opened my eyes to many life lessons in these 7 months and I’m starting to see that I’m expending a great deal of energy on these particular situations.

Maybe I’m over-analyzing this situation or maybe I just need to learn not to care. Either way, change is going to come.

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I’ve always considered myself a decent friend to others. I really make a genuine effort to listen, empathize, encourage, console, laugh, love and BE THERE for friends. I do all of this regardless of the amount of times I have to hear an excuse for being cancelled on for the umpteenth time over whatever bullshit and numerous unreturned calls/texts. I shrug it off. I act like everything’s all gravy, but in reality sometimes it isn’t.

“It’s ok, no big deal,” I say with a smile on my face. I’m usually showered in, “you’re so understanding, you’re such a great friend, I’m so lucky to have you in my life blah, blah, blah” and yet I’m left sitting there feeling like I don’t matter. Like I DON’T FUCKING MATTER. I feel like the only time I matter to certain people is when it benefits them and I’ll leave it at that.

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All of this and I’m usually the initiator. While I don’t mind initiating conversations, outings, whatever, it would be nice for that same level of effort to be returned to me¬† on a consistent basis at some point. It seems like this is almost impossible to find in people now a days. It’s exhausting and leaves me mostly wanting not to make an effort with anyone. Why bother if I’m going to end up putting the majority of the work into it?

There are a few special people in my life that do (when they can) return the effort, which I really appreciate, but unfortunately, most of these golden gooses aren’t local and our reunions are few and kind of far between.

I’m not even angry, I’m just tired. I’m extremely tired.

People that are special to you should never be made to feel like they aren’t priorities to you, but maybe you’re too busy to see that.

 

Old Flames (that won’t die out)


I believe he really likes me and that’s scary. It’s scary, because I know in the back crevices of my mind that feeling is mutual. Beyond all of his quirkiness, he’s a genuinely sweet guy, that would do just about anything for me without expecting anything in return. He’s really intelligent, funny & independent. We’ve been here before…nearly 4 years ago, when we were actually dating and it was mutually understood that we were progressing towards something¬†serious, but then everything went to shit…

He’s been different lately. He’s really “grown up” in these past few years. He’s not as selfish, he really listens, he fixes things around my house or on my car, loves my cat, ¬†pays for dinner, drinks, movies, he spent 2 hours helping my dad build a gazebo two weeks ago!! He just brought me $100 router because he remembered me mentioning that mine was on the fritz (and he set it up for me)–yes, I know this entire paragraph is a grammatical mess.

What normal friend does any of that? ¬†Don’t get me wrong, my friends are all awesome people, but my point is that they aren’t wining and dining me and trying to impress my parents.

When we talk on the phone he’s ¬†encouraging when I’m stressed & actually asks my how I FEEL instead of being dismissive and rambling on about himself while I just listen. He now says things like, “It’s always good to talk to you”, ¬†“I’m looking forward to seeing you”, or “I really had a good time with you”.

When we’re having a conversation face to face sometimes he’ll just gaze at me and smile, even if I’m not saying anything humorous. It’s like he’s in the clouds.


He often slips up and refers to my place as “home” in letting me know he’s on the way and I don’t correct him. After all, he has a key for a while and every time he leaves, he leaves a trail of his toiletries behind, which I believe is on purpose. Both of my¬†bathrooms are littered with shower gels, shampoos, shaving creams, hair gels, deodorants, toothpastes, mouthwashes, etc. and several articles of his clothing are strung around the house. You would think I have a man living with me full time. I don’t tend to leave things at his place, at least not on purpose. My toiletries cost too much money to part with them for weeks on end like that.

He lives about two hours away now (we used to live in the same city, but he got a new job about 2.5 years ago after stomping on my heart to breifly see someone else), but his company has an office here in town that very frequently (at least lately) seems to send him there. I’m starting to think that he’s just volunteering to come here for any reason at all and using his job as an excuse to visit me. Of course he does visit without coming here for work occasionally.

My assessment with all of this is that he cares and probably wants something more, but may not be confident enough to make that move or may be afraid that he fucked up that opportunity years ago. I’m not always that easy to read, I admit that, but in my defense, I always make it known if I’ve enjoyed someone’s company or if I miss them. I always tell him these things, always have.

Ultimately, it could be a slippery slope though, especially with how things ended the last time we decided to date.Throw in the added complexity of it being long distance (about a 2-2.5 hour drive), and you’ve got a really tricky situation. I value our friendship too much to let that go if things go south (again). Part of me doesn’t want to entertain any part of this¬†charade, because throwing labels on things too quickly can backfire, but at the same time, I’ve had numerous reminders lately that life is moving while I’m still stuck in neutral¬†thinking, “what if”.

I attended an old friend’s baby shower the other day. We’re the same age and she’s married and VERY pregnant. Some other high school acquaintances were there and one of them happened to mention how she had been married for seven years. It really made me wonder where the hell I went wrong in life? Shouldn’t I be married or at least in a serious relationship ?

I know I shouldn’t compare myself to my peers, but it does put a different perspective on this situation and how I want something substainal. I want to know that the guy I’m with is very serious about our relationship and in growing together. I’m getting too old for samples and trial memberships.

Maybe I’m ¬†just realizing that I’m lonely…

 

Dirty 30

Today is my 30th birthday.

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The good news is I didn’t wake up dead, but today has been a little bit of an adjustment…mostly just a mental adjustment. Kind of like 20…but more important.

I started the weekend leading up to the big day spending it out of town with a friend–well, a guy I kind of dated for the better part of a year–but “friend” nonetheless.

Anyway, the weekend was great. He pampered me all weekend. Dinners, movies, breakfast/medicine in bed (I woke up sick Saturday), movies, brunches, shopping. Because of a huge event going on in his city this past weekend, we tried to spend as much time out of traffic as we could. We even gamed for a few hours. It was fun, it was chill. We got along perfectly well. Our conversation(s) never ran dry. He gave me his undivided attention. I felt completely relaxed and comfortable. I haven’t felt that way in a really long time (with anyone).I really MISS that. As sweet as he was being this weekend, part of me is making an effort to be more emotionally mature and not completely latch on to this situation for much more than a weekend visit. Whatever will be, will be.

I took the day off of work today (my actual birthday), mostly because I knew being at work would have sucked the absolute life of me (it’s been a crazy couple of weeks and I don’t feel like getting into everything in this post). Until today, I’ve never even had my birthday off. I’ve always been in school or at work. It nice to have a day to myself. It was a quiet day, but relaxing. I got up and went to Denny’s for a FREE breakfast, went grocery shopping and then met up with my parents for lunch (also had a free coupon for birthday food), a movie and dinner. Sure, I could have gone to the moon and back drunk off my ass, but I wanted to bring this birthday in a little more calmly. Maybe I’m turning over a new leaf…well, until later this month when I finish bringing in my birthday with a weekend of insanity with some bffs of mine out of town. Hey, I still have some ridiculousness to shake out of these bones.

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A Favor/Advice 

Do yourself a favor and remember this bit of advice :

Anyone who values you and genuinely wants to get to know you/continue a relationship with you (friendship/otherwise), will make it a point to stay in touch with you without you nudging/asking them to do so. Period. Don’t entertain anyone who is not willing to make that effort and invest their time in you. You matter. 

Mr. “Used to be”

This past weekend a good friend of mine came into town on business (for work) as he often does every so many months and stayed over my place. It’s interesting because his job will pay for him to stay in a hotel, but he always prefers my home. Mind you, we dated for just shy of a year about 3 years back, so this isn’t just any run of the mill “friend”. Read More