A Second Goodbye?

Apparently the theme of the moment is “endings” and in keeping with that theme, I had an interesting conversation with blast from the past¬†yesterday on my way home from work.

Admittedly, I’m still a tad bummed out that our goodbye was fairly condensed and we actually had an open discussion about it, which is rare for us, because that was always an issue when we dated. He reminds me of BF with his emotions, but has definitely (over the years) been deeply vulnerable (which means a lot).

I told him how I felt short changed with our “goodbye”, because realistically, he’s moving across the country in about three weeks, which makes it that much more difficult to visit. I don’t have the kind of disposable income to just buy plane tickets like that (like he does). This is no longer a three hour drive, this is plane tickets and time off of work, distance and with him basically not being around on weekends up until his move, that’s it. That’s all she wrote. I can’t even see him before he moves because it’s a bad time of year to take time off of work (during the week–since that’s the only time he’ll be around). He surprisingly actually listened to me, sincerely apologized and kept reassuring me that this wasn’t “goodbye forever”. He explained how he felt that with the amount of history we have, he wanted to tell me the news in person–which is sweet and I get, but the timing just ended up not syncing properly and we had our goodbye in a sports sports bar, after two luke warm beers.

Our conversation lightened up shortly after as he went on to tell me how moving preparations are going. Being that this is now his…fourth move (third long distance move) since I’ve known him, he’s still managed to be a bit scatterbrained when it comes to planning out the finer details. He told me he hasn’t been able to sell his (current) condo and hasn’t quite decided on a place to live when he arrives in Denver and whether or not he wants to live in downtown or out a ways and try to actually buy a house this time (for the additional space). He mentioned changing his mind about shipping his Camaro and instead decided he would just make the 24+ hr drive and asked if I wanted to join him on the “adventure”.

You’re welcome to come with. I could use some company ūüôā

The proposition at first seemed inciting…what I wouldn’t give to just leave this place for a few days and get away from everything…cross country trip in the SS, nothing but sunshine and fun times…but the entire trip would have to be rushed due to him only allowing himself a weekend to get there. I would then have to be back to work promptly that Monday morning at 6 a.m. for a mandatory work event, so it seems that the stars won’t be aligning on this one. I’d literally have to leave as soon as we got there.

He then presented me with Option C…which is him basically leaving all of his shit here and just flying out there to start work and coming back to get his shit once he’s made a decision on where he’s actually living? He’d probably be a little less rushed at that point, I would imagine.

I never promised joining him on any trip, whether it’ in two weeks or two months, but did give him my word that I would *try* to monitor airline ticket prices for late summer/early fall and *see* if the expense would fit into my budget, which is tight at the moment (I’m saving to buy a house).

I have mixed emotions about this entire situation and not the good kind. I hate that my emotions don’t stop at my genuine happiness for him (because I AM happy for him)–no, they had to roll down the complex hill, into emotional valley. I think part of my emotional complex about all of this is that I feel guilty for basically not making more of an effort to “visit” over the past year because I took it for granted that he was a couple hours down the road…but visits work in both ways and he didn’t necessarily make that much of an effort either…

In any situation, I can say that he sincerely does care about me as a person and cares deeply about our friendship. That I DO know, regardless of¬† how silly he’s been.

I have no idea how all of this is going to go, but fact of the matter is, it’s happening and I’ve got to mentally accept it. If our friendship is strong enough, we’ll keep it going, I guess.

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Here Comes Goodbye…

I took a miniature family vacation this past weekend. Obviously as an adult I don’t vacation with my family too often, but every so often we’ll link together for a short weekend getaway. This weekend’s venture was to an amusement park, which just so happened to be in the same city blast from the past lives in. I’ve admittedly been a bit “distant”¬† both physically and emotionally in our friendship over the past few months (part of this was due to dealing with heartache), but I figured I’d use the quick weekend trip as a way for us to link over dinner or drinks.

We made plans for dinner Saturday night. The hotel my family and I were staying in was about four blocks from his condo in downtown, so he promised to swing by to pick me up. I opted not to stay with him this trip due the obligations of “family time”. I figured we could always do the hanging out thing another weekend when I visited the city solo, right?

His camaro pulled up about 7 p.m. in front of the hotel, I hoped in (freshly showered and all dolled up) and we were off to dinner. We small talked (as we usually do) on the journey over…about gas prices, the weather, our jobs, etc. Typical chit chat. We arrived at dinner on the other side of the city around 7:30–a classy-ish sports bar decorated with photos of the historic sites of the city. We’d been to this spot a couple of times together, but this time just felt different and I couldn’t put my finger on why.

We immediately dived into conversation shortly after sitting down. He seemed to be a semi chatty mood, which isn’t always the case when we’re together. He updated me on his family: his sister’s pregnancy, his cousin’s (who also lives in town) engagement, his dad’s numerous cross country trips now that he’s retired, etc. All seemed well with them (mostly). Throughout the conversation he kept bringing up Denver and how in visiting his father (who splits his time between Denver/Aspen and Miami), he’s grown to love skiing. Cool story, bro. He must have rambled on about this for nearly fifteen minutes before asking had I ever been to Denver and had I ever been skiing?

We laughed as I painted a picture of me stumbling down a mountain and breaking every bone in my body.

Falling down a mountain.gif

 

Highly amused, he smiled and said:

You should come to Denver sometime.

His words seemed a bit off putting. I wasn’t sure if he meant visiting in general or going there with him when he visits his father. Once upon a time ago when we dated, he constantly brought up bringing me home to meet his family, but of course over the course a year, those plans never quite came together (I did end up meeting his mother when she came to town to visit on his birthday weekend, though). Why would they now as friends? I learned to stop taking guys seriously when they say shit like that.

I don’t know anyone in Denver…but I guess I could visit at some point. Let me know when you go there next and maybe we can coordinate.

I figured that was the end of the Denver conversation, but he kept going on about it. He talked about the economy, the sales tax (or lack thereof?), the weather, the public transportation, the frequency and cost of flights from here to there. He wouldn’t get off of it.

You’re probably wondering why I keep bringing up Denver, huh?

A bit sauced, I chuckled and told him that no, I really WASN’T wondering why he kept bringing up Denver. Like with everything else, I just assumed he was just rambling…but that’s when shit got real serious.

That’s because I’m moving there.

Surprisingly my first reaction was genuine happiness for him.

That’s great, I’m so happy for you! That’s so exciting ūüôā

And truth be told, I was happy for him. This was huge for his career! He went on to explain how he had put his condo up for sale, how he was flying out the following weekend to look for houses, how he had already decided what moving company he was going to use and even how he was transporting his precious camaro instead of driving it the 18 hours cross country. His words kind of trailed off as I started to slowly process everything he was saying. I watched his lips move as I tuned him out. I asked how long he knew and he told me the news was relatively new. About two weeks. He explained how he felt that he “owed it to me” to break the news in person, instead of over the phone. Funny thing is, we’ve been in semi frequent communication over the past few weeks…

I start my new job July 1st. You should visit.

I mentally checked out shortly after the news broke. It was all fairly bittersweet. While happy for him, it dawned on me that he was moving. Across the fucking country. This would drastically change the dynamic of our already strained friendship for sure. Granted, we had already been through this song and dance one other time before. Shortly after we broke up–maybe not even a full month, he accepted a job in the city he lives in now (about 2.5 hrs west of here). At the time, I wanted him gone out of anger. Whatever. Good riddance. I didn’t want to run into him and see his face, He cheated and the last thing I wanted to do was be associated with him. I wanted him out of my life for good and what better way to get closure than for him to move away.

We didn’t talk much between our breakup, his new job announcement and actual move. Those weeks leading up to him leaving were all kind of a blur as I was processing the demise of our relationship and attempting to move on. I did do him the favor of helping him pick up his uhaul for the move, but I left my good deeds at that. He moved, I wrote him out of my life and for the better part of 4-5 months he was the one attempting to initiate any sort of contact or friendship. I made very little effort with him. I eventually let go of my anger and slowly (at a safe distance) decided to welcome him in as a friend again. But only as a friend and on my terms. His relationship with the girl he cheated on me with fizzled out not even 2 months after he moved (which is not surprising since it was long distance). He hasn’t dated or been in a relationship since (at least nothing serious). Fastforward five years, a move, several dates/situationships/boyfriends later and we’ve managed to remain friends and through all of that, he’s now moving across the fucking country.

Our ride back to downtown was quiet. I was still brewing on his move and how those last few moments of silence would probably be the last time we saw one another for a while. Sure, I could visit or he could visit, but plane tickets are not cheap. I don’t have $300 just sitting around waiting to be spent. We already barely see one another 4 times a year and we live about 300 hundred miles away in the same damn state. What would cross country look like? Am I ready to accept that, that could be the end of it?

As he pulled up to my hotel I stressed to him the importance of keeping in touch and being fucking responsive. He’s admittedly really shitty at that (probably THE WORST at it), which makes maintaining any sort of normal friendship with him difficult at times, especially long distance. The crazy thing is, he genuinely (in person) seems to want me in his life. Anyway, he promised he would keep in touch, but I’ll believe it when I see it. I’m not counting on it and I refuse to be the only one making an effort.

He gave me a long hug goodbye and that was that. That was it. As he drove off, I became a bit angry as I realized I was robbed out of a proper goodbye. He essentially knew he was moving and failed to tell me this prior to this weekend. I was blindsided. Had I known he was moving, I would have made more of an effort to rearrange my weekend to spend more time with him.

good bye

Instead, we spent our last moments in a sports bar, downing warm beers and making empty promises. What a crock of shit.

This situation (for me) has been emotionally complex. While I no longer feel romantic feelings towards him, we’ve become good friends and I’ve grown used to him being around. It’s taken many years to get to the point where we’ve even been able to be good friends (he’s actually at times referred to me as his “best friend”).¬† I’ve taken it for granted that I could just shoot down the road three hours for the weekend for a temporary “get away” if I needed it and now even that’ll be gone. In the grand scheme of things whether he’s a 3 hour car ride or a 4 hour plane ride away, he’s still away and has been so for almost five years.

I really hate goodbyes, especially rushed ones. I’m going to have to accept the possibility that we’ll probably lose touch eventually. Life (as it always has a way of doing) will get in the way and soon we’ll shoot each other annual “happy birthday” texts and that’ll be it.

 

1 Thing and 1 Thing Only

This weekend was bananas. This time last week, I I told myself that I was going to make every effort to keep a low profile and catch up on the rest I lost in the week and weekend before, but alas, that plan went down the toilet quickly as last week unfolded and I felt like I needed to release a lot of stress. I’ve really got to learn how to stop agreeing to going to everyone’s this and that to appear “social”. I guess part of me wants to appear “invested” in many of my newer friends (situationships, and otherwise), but it’s also depleting me of energy.

Last week by far was one of my more trying weeks that I’ve had professionally in a really long time. Aside from the regular stress that typically comes with this time of year, I also had the added stress of our system going offline several times and fighting with developers over numerous unexplained bugs/glitches. On top of all of that, I had two critical meetings to prepare for and a workshop to teach. I didn’t even get around to preparing for the workshop until 11 o’clock the night before because I had spent the entire week up to that point putting out fires (oh and I had promised The teacher, I’d meet him for dinner–that’s for another post though). I’m happy to report that everything worked out well. Fires were put out, bugs/glitches were resolved (in the 11th hour nonetheless), my workshop went almost too smoothly and my director and boss raved about how IMPRESSED they were with my work and my ability to work well under extreme pressure and how I’ve really, “taken on” a leadership role in the office. I was too tired to celebrate any of those successes, but made sure “treat myself” to a evening of pure idiocy with friends after work.

A good friend of mine hosted game night over his place, which ended up being a lot of fun. Usually a bunch of us will link up (formally) at a local bar for game night, but occasionally someone will actually host it in their house. At home game nights are far more intimate and cost effective. There was a ton of foolishness, drinks, cheese sticks (as well as pineapples?) and all around great fun. It was the best way to decompress after such a long and hellish week. While partaking in the buffoonery of game night, I realized (in my tipsy haze) that a newer friend of mine was kind of attractive. We’ve known each other a few months, but mostly in passing and haven’t “bonded” as I have with my other friends who were there. We tagged teamed all night on games and flirted most of the night–though I’m going to blame the majority of that on the alcohol, because we were both pretty sauced up when all was said and done. It was nice to get a goodbye hug from him when he called it a night shortly before 2 a.m.

Now mind you, I was fairly hungover the following day. Far more than I anticipated, especially since I downed several FULL bottles of water in the last hour or two of the night before I left and I even ate a slice of pizza someone ordered. I guess that’s my body’s way of telling me I’m old? Anywho, I gave myself the day to run errands and prepare for date night with Babyface. When we last left off, I was given sound advice to step back and make him plan our next date. Did he do this? Not entirely. Outside of picking he day/time and suggesting we eat some place with “decent whiskey” that’s about the extent of the planning he did. He pretty much left the rest up to me and told me he’d pick me up by 8.

So 7 o’clock rolls around and I hadn’t heard from him, which is unlike him. While I’ve mentioned before that our text message conversations are often meaningless back and forth babble, we re pretty much stay in touch all day (everyday). I finally decided to see if we were still on for 8 so that I knew whether or not to proceed to finish dolling up and to get back with another friend of mine who had invited me out for wing night. His reasoning for being so quiet during the day/evening?¬†He was hungover….Yeah…I’m not even going to begin to dissect just how irresponsible it is of him (at 30) to have consumed so much alcohol the night before that his body was still recovering that evening (since I too had quite a rough start to the morning). But to do so at the expense of someone else’s time is downright rude and tacky. At some point during the day, he could have touch base to let me know what was going on or hell, he could have even postponed the night all together, so as long as I wasn’t being held up on account of his nonsense.

So two hours later (mind you, it’s about 9:30 p.m. at this point) he arrives to pick me up, kisses me (as if he didn’t just pull this stunt) and asks if I’m ready, before interrupting himself and asking, “…if you’re even still hungry (ha), I know it’s a little late, I’m sorry about that.” I should have punched him in his adorable face for that remark.

 

srs;y

*Srlsy?*

A little late” might have been 8:15, 8:30…but to tell me around 7 that you’re “getting ready and you’ll be on your way” to show up at 9:30 p.m., is very late. Matter of fact, I had a hard time deciding if I was more angry at him for not making a bigger deal of his tardiness or the fact that I missed out on eating ACTUAL dinner with ACTUAL people that would have been timely (and entertaining). Chicken Wings n thangz! Part of me wanted to scream at him (like a crazy person), but I checked myself..took a breath and proceeded to head downtown with him in the most passive and non-confrontational way possible. I spent too much time dolling up to waste it.

Since he never specifically fleshed out our date outside of wanting us to do dinner at a place that had “decent whiskey”, I suggested a classy spot that I’ve been to with a few fellow bourbon enthusiasts friends. The place is a step classier than your typical bar and has about ten pages (front and back) of whiskey and bourbon selections, organized by place or origin (country/region), then traditional, wheat and rye. Yum yum yum. I was ecstatic about this place, because I’ve grown to love bourbon ever since my ex introduced it to me last year. I wanted to impress Babyface by my vast knowledge of bourbon selections (since he told me he appreciated whiskey one night when we were downing jim beam at dinner). I smugly ordered buffalo trace (neat) to start as Babyface searched the menu back and forth in panic mode. His puppy dog eyes scanned the menu as if he was trying to comprehend a foreign language.¬† It dawned on me ten minutes into this that he might have been overwhelmed and not well versed in the world of bourbon selections, so I offered him help. He smiled sweetly and just opted to order an IPA.

First of all…who orders a beer at a bourbon spot? I didn’t even know they SOLD beer there.

concerns

2-3 drinks in, I finally talked him into ordering a cocktail and he ordered a drink with (American) absinthe. By this point, I stopped caring to appear cultured to him probably because I was on my second old fashion of the night, like the classy broad that I am.

We never did end up eating at the bourbon spot (even though their food is amazing) because again, I believe BF was overwhelmed by the menu or maybe he was still drunk or hovering somewhere between coming off his hangover and moving into stage 1 intoxication. He instead suggested we swing by cookout on the way back, because virtually every other decent restaurant was closed for the night. I was too sauced to argue with him at this point and my hopes to have a nice and classy date were shot to hell. I was a mixture between hangry, intoxicated and exhausted. All I wanted to do was go home and go to bed.

I don’t remember much after we got back to my place. I vaguely remember us eating–or well him eating, us laughing about something stupid in my kitchen while I sat on my counter (apparently I gave him a beer and took a shot of tequila???), him playing with my cat¬† and I guess at some point us snuggling and passing out on the couch. I definitely don’t remember that last part, just waking up from it and netflix asking, “Are you still watching”. For whatever reason we both woke up at the same time to notice that the sun was up. It was 6:30 in the morning!! Do you know how startling it is to wake up to it being light outside when you had no idea you had even dosed off (when it was dark) to begin with? I was stressed and disoriented.

After the initial shock of realizing the sun was up, he followed me upstairs to bed like a lost puppy. I was basically concerned with continuing to sleep off the bourbon, but other things ended up going down. Some really pleasurable, hair raising, back arching, heart pounding, better-than-fresh-coffee thangs. There were a few intense rounds of this and I’m not even sure how because by this point we were both fairly sleep deprived, mildly still intoxicated and zombie like. Things settled around 8 or 9 and then he eventually left around 1 p.m. (after latching onto me for hours as he does whenever we sleep together).

I spent the rest of the day wondering what just happened and assessing just how angry I was at him for his tardiness the night before. Sure, he apologized (I think once in text and once in person), but part of me feels like he didn’t quite understand just how much he actually rubbed me the wrong way. I take quality time with the people in my life seriously and I expect them to do the same. If we say we’re getting together at a certain day or time, I expect those plans to be golden and I expect transparency and advanced(ish) notice if not so I can do other things. Me following up with you an hour before we’re supposed to get together–especially if it’s a time YOU selected, isn’t a good look. Part of me feels like I should have cancelled our date to be petty and prove a point, but I have an issue and I think I’m addicted to his…retracted

covering mouth.gif

My feelings towards BF have shifted quite a bit in these past few weeks, drastically even since we started dating a few months ago…while he’s fun and I genuinely enjoy spending time with him (he’s a nice guy and makes me laugh), I’ve become more concerned (and less emotionally detached) with the physical benefits of it all. In my mind, it’s like he’s serving a very specific purpose. I know, I know, I know. This is terrible and I’m not usually this person, but man oh man. He’s got a talent.

Anyway, I’ve spoken to a few friends about this and they all agree that I should seriously sit down and talk to Babyface about his rude act Saturday night (and his piss poor efforts in planning and being decisive in general) because, “how dare he?”. One of my friends mentioned that he says like he’s either very lazy or too comfortable. While it was very F-boyish behavior (even for him–especially being 30), I don’t know if I’m invested enough to really address or entertain it for that matter. Would addressing it really assure that this doesn’t happen again? Would he even comprehend or just assume I’m being a nag? I don’t care. It’s just shown me that he’s a terrible planner and I should protect my time a little bit better for someone/some people who reciprocate those simple line items of respect. Why should I be punctual and plan my entire evening around him?¬† If I want to go grab chicken wings with friends when I know I’m supposed to be on a date with him in an hour….why not? Why should I be respectful of his time or energy/effort? I mean, I’ve tossed around completely eliminating trying to “traditionally date” him and just get to down to the “dessert”. I’m getting frustrated with him and I’d prefer to put my effort into other things.

Friends, Dates, ???, FWBs, Exes.

I was slammed (socially) this past weekend and I’m still paying for it. I did dinner, trivia and bar hopping Friday with some friends, brunch with my parents, date with the teacher, game night with friends, brewery lounge on Saturday and Sunday I took a day trip to the beach with some friends to check out a street festival.

You’re probably wondering, “why do you do this stupid shit?” and my response would be, “because you only live once and I’m a dumb ass.”

After having quite a stressful week at work, I really wanted to focus on fun with friends, where I felt I could be completely relaxed and at ease. My plan was not to go on any dates, but the teacher seemed fairly persistent, so I finally took him up on the offer. We met at this public garden where we walked around for about an hour before my allergies started to go crazy and we dipped into a brewery right down the road (actually the one we met at on our first date). I really appreciated his planning. He knew I had, had a hellish week and wanted to take me places that would ease my mind. We even did dinner after downing a few beers (and I was good and lit).

The teacher has kind of been a dark horse in all of this. He’s a very kindhearted guy, makes his intentions fairly clear and has no problem showering me with compliments and support, all while giving me “space”. I think he “really” likes me and while I enjoy hanging out with him, I’m not sure if I feel those same romantic feelings towards him and I’m not sure how to handle that. Hes fun to talk to (I guess), but I’m having a hard time forcing myself to dive into the pool of infatuation and I’m not even sure if the urge is going to come. Part of me knows I’m not going to have those feelings (for him) no matter how hard I try, but the other part of me wants to know why that even is…? Am I just not attracted to him? He’s not bad looking necessarily…Maybe he’s not “bad boy” enough.

Anyway, after date time with The Teacher, I met up with friends for game night and brewery lounging before calling it an early night around midnight so I could get up to drive to a friend’s house for our day trip Sunday.

My friend that I was meeting up with recently bought a house about thirty minutes outside of town (in the country). This is the friend that I reference in the flake post. Anyway, since it had been so long since she, my other friend and I had hung out, we decided to take a day trip to the beach (from her place).

We had an interesting conversation on dating, relationships and love in our two hour car ride. We all kind of opened up about past situations and how/what we learned from them. We talked about how difficult it was to date in your 30s and how all of us thought online dating in particular was extremely draining. Over the last few months, I really haven’t opened up much about my “love life” in that way. I mean, I’ve vaguely mentioned that I’ve been regularly seeing someone (because another group of friends want to know why I’m missing events here and there), but I haven’t elaborated on how that situation or any past situations have made me feel. I haven’t talked about my fears or insecurities in dating. Or how sometimes I get tired of having to decode things. For some reason with these two friends, I felt compelled to really open up to them about everything going on. I told them about Babyface and how I was sort of at a crossroads with him because my feelings towards him lately have turned into more of a physical convenience than anything else (he’s adorable, funny and nice, but very little of that phases me these days). I told them about my ex and how damaged I felt right after our breakup and how I had been taking precautions in dating to never end up in that situation again. I even told them about other misc relationships, like with blast from the past and how the current state of our friendship is at times strained due to him cheating on me so many years ago and never directly apologizing about it. Overall, the trip really put a lot of things in perspective for me. We even had a conversation about what dating was to each of us and my one friend decided that he probably wasn’t “doing dating correctly”, because dating should involve effort form BOTH parties, it shouldn’t necessarily be one person pulling all of the weight.

We ended up having a fun day at the beach and on the way back, my friends suggested that I refuse to make any plans with Babyface because they thought he was being extremely lazy in never (fully) planning any of our dates¬† minus our very first one and half of our last one (though one of them said he might just be “shy” and afraid I might not like all of his suggestions–he is not “shy”). Earlier that weekend, Babyface had mentioned getting together the following weekend (this upcoming weekend), but as usual, never provided any details or thoughts as to what he wanted to do or what day/time he wanted to do said things. Per the suggestion of my friends, I sent him a text message Monday night in response basically saying:

This weekend is fine. I’m going to step back and let you figure it out though. You just tell me the when and the where.

*crickets*

As I took breaks to type up this blog post, he responded, but not really to my statement. He sent more of a “good morning, how are you doing, how was your trip,” text. Can I say that is another form of text messaging etiquette that bothers me? Like, he blatantly ignored what I said. I know he has to have somewhat of a reading comprehension to have made it through college…

Maybe I’m just annoyed with Babyface because I’m PMSing and¬† craving some back breaking action from him specifically–ha, sort of just kidding…but seriously, I’m tired and I don’t want to plan anything. I think I deserve a break on that. We could do pizza on his/mine couch for all I care…just plan it.

Taking on Everyone’s Issues.

The past week has been chaotic both personally and professionally. I am super exhausted and I never even got around to sitting down on my couch until yesterday around 8 p.m. (which resulted in me dosing off like an old cat lady–cat also dosed off).

Work has been a little more stressful than usual and I’ve found myself (again) trying to stretch myself thinly across social/other personal obligations (which has resulted in very little restful sleep). I’ve also been everyone’s person to “vent” their issues to/resolve said issues (lately) and it’s starting to wear heavily on my soul. Imagine my surprise when my anxiety levels have skyrocketed!

For example, last week, three of my friends decided to vent to me about their pending separations/divorces with their spouses/SO.s. Breakups in general are difficult, but divorces, especially those involving property and/or children/pets can become quite messy. I have zero experience in the world of, “divorce” and listening to all of the drama those friends of mine were going through was emotionally draining. I’m not sure if they expected me to “resolve their issues” or just simply listen, so I chose to mostly just listen and wish them well with the outcome. Listening to them ramble has made me seriously never want to get married. It sounds both emotionally draining and expensive from jump AND if things don’t work out.

In addition to the divorce rambles, my ex has been having some difficulties in buying a house and I’ve found myself sucked in to listening (well, reading) his vents about it (and they’ve been super long and descriptive). While I haven’t bought my first home yet (I’m hoping to do that later on this year), I’ve heard from many other friends/family members about how stressful the process can be. He’s told me about how he’s been so stressed out about it that he’s not even sleeping or eating properly. Because I don’t hate him (he’s a good guy and we’re on “good terms”), I’m attempting to be somewhat supportive and at least listen and provide words of encouragement (like my favorite blanket statement of , “I’m sorry all of this has happened, but I truly believe things will work out, just stay positive”). I don’t know what else to say to him really because I don’t know how to “fix” this for him and to be honest, it’s not really my place TO fix this for him either. I’m starting to take on his stress though and it’s causing me to have some weird sleeping habits and also a bit of anxiety about my own future home buying plans. I feel like I’m being kind of a shitty person for not checking in more often to see if he’s ok (he’s mostly volunteering this information and initiating this conversations) especially since he was in a particularly downer mood last Friday, but I don’t know what advice I can really provide him because I have no experience in home buying. Plus, I don’t know IF everything will be ok for him, though I hope that things get better.

I’ve also become everyone’s “go to” to vent about work stress in the office and I don’t know how to fix everyone’s problems/unhappiness. I feel like I’ve been unfairly put in the position to be “little miss sunshine” and spread joy across the office when everyone is “overwhelmed”. I barely have time to knock out everything with my own job, let alone figure someone else’s out…but how do you even say that to someone without coming across cold, unapproachable or inappropriate?¬† What am I supposed to do when I’m stressed and overwhelmed? I’ve discussed taking a “personal day” with my manager, but I know deep down I’ll most likely be inundated with work issues anyway on my day off no matter how much I legitimately try to relax and decompress.

I think by far though, one of the issues triggering my anxiety the most is having another friend of mine really going through a tough time with his own anxiety/mental illness. I try to be hyper supportive with anyone that struggles with mental illness, but half of the things I find myself saying to him aren’t even things I’m doing regularly myself…like regularly taking (appropriately) prescribed medication, remembering to breathe, taking things one day at a time, not abusing substances as an outlet, etc. I find myself taking it personally when he’s still having a rough/off day, even though I know (a someone who deals with anxiety a well), sometimes¬† you just have rough days and simply having a support system/friend is what you might need in a specific moment to assure you that things will be ok. He says he feels like a burden (which I can relate, because anxiety basically makes you think you’re insane for “feeling” the way that you feel and it further triggers your anxiety to even talk about it in detail) and he’s not, but again, I can’t “fix it” for him, so I feel like I’m failing at being a supportive friend, even though I know that’s absurd.

I’ve basically decided to turn my phone off today to mostly focus a little better at work, but also to give myself a break from taking on everyone’s issues. I just need a brief break to gather myself.

Anyway, in terms of the anxiety roller coaster, I am on that long uphill journey where you know you’re inching closer and closer to “the drop”.

up hill rollercoaster

 

You feel each metal “clank” as you continue up this path and your chest tightens in anticipation. You know the “drop” is going to be intense, but shortly afterward, you’ll go through some loops and sharp turns, but things will resume back to normal eventually.

“We Don’t Talk Anymore”

I’m just getting back in from a surprisingly wonderful weekend that I spent with an old ex (not the most recent one). Long story very short, we’ve been “friends” since we stopped being romantically involved several years ago…but not without some strange gray areas, false starts and backslides here and there. We’ve managed to remain as good of friends as much as humanly possible given the circumstances of our untimely demise, (though it took us a good six months to a year to even BEGIN to reestablish a friendship in the aftermath). That side tangent is for another day and time though. Just know it involved some lowkey infidelity and broken trust (and not on my end either).

For the past year and some change we’ve been “strictly platonic”, but mostly out of touch as I found myself in a relationship (then heartache) and he’s been occupied by work travel and whatever else. We saw each other very briefly (for lunch) a few weeks before Christmas (while he was passing through town for a few hours), in the midst of me going through a breakup (so I was mentally and emotionally checked out), but we’ve otherwise not been in touch until my birthday a few weeks ago, where he’s repeatedly invited me down to his place for a weekend for about three weeks straight (I’ve declined each time minus the last time he asked).

we don't talk anymore

I finally took him up on the offer this past weekend. I hadn’t been out of town in a while, so what better excuse than to visit him to make travel moves? Fun fact here, I haven’t been to his city since October of last year when I visited with my ex, without informing him that I was in town or even in a relationship.

whoops

When I arrived Friday night, I was taken back by how much he had changed. I knew he had been eating a little healthier for the past few months, but he looked like a completely different person. He was toned…he looked healthy…he looked happy…he looked REALLY good. He almost resembled what he looked like when first started dating in our mid-20s. He was so adorable back then. I was really caught off guard, but in a good way. Not only had he physically changed, he wasted no time showing off his new ride. He’s always been a muscle car guy though and has shamelessly been PART of the reason we started dating in the first place (because I talked “car talk” with him for hours and he found that to be “impressive”). He even taught me how to drive stick. He previously had a mustang before swapping it out for the Camaro. He definitely knows how to give me lady boners with his choice in cars. The SS is a fucking beast though. Black on black, V-8, 405 horsepower, 20 inch rims, GPS, Sunroof, Spoiler, Backup camera, Wifi, Leather seats, dual climate control, push button start, real time traffic alerts, just to name a FEW features.

Anyway, the entire weekend he seemed different, maybe more present in the moment?Unlike visits in the past, he mostly stayed away from dicking around on his phone and gave me his undivided attention. He even treated for dinner and drinks every place that we went, fixed my laptop (he also works in IT like my most recent ex–apparently I have a “type”) and gave/bought me a new laptop bag because mine was “subpar”. I got the vibe from him that he actually wanted me there and I have to say that it felt nice. It also felt nice to be pampered. One thing that he kept doing that was sort of weird was how he kept gazing at me with this half mooned goofy smile. Sometimes he would do this for several minutes as if he was daydreaming while listening to me talk, watching me eat/drink or just glancing over at me while stopping at traffic lights and walking around. I know that “look” all too well and it’s something I haven’t seen in a good little while. Oh boy…

charlie puth hearts

When I loaded my truck to leave Sunday after brunch, he gave me this long speech about how good it was to have me around, how much fun he had and how he was hoping there wouldn’t be such a long gap between our visits the next time we get together…because “we don’t [seem to] talk anymore”. He also emphasized all of those “feels” via text while I was driving home.

He doesn’t really “text” like that….so that also caught me off guard.

The entire way back I kept thinking about the weekend and how I was absolutely under no circumstances going to go BACK down the dark and desolate road of playing, “TAG, I have a crush on you” with him as we’ve done back and forth (and at times at the same time) over the past few years. It actually took getting in my last relationship to kill off any “lingering” romantic feelings I had left for him and I’ll be damned if any of those are about to resurface over ONE weekend. While on paper we’re a great match, IRL we’re not good for each other in that way.¬†Not to mention, we’ve both changed significantly since then. I’m not even the same person I was when I met him, especially not now. Being romantically him for a year really triggered my anxiety and depression so bad that I had to seek therapy for the first time in my adult life and I’m just getting to a point where I feel better about managing it.

To make the events of the past weekend even more awkward, my mom actually seemed ecstatic that we reconnected and told me she “missed” him visiting because he’d always help with fixing things around the house because he likes to tinker. Um, no ma’am.

No charlie

In other news, I have a pretty crazy week at work, with an equally busy (but fun) weekend ahead, including date plans with Babyface, helping a friend move, a game night and some crazy antics out on the town with friends. I better rest up while I can.

Also, since I stole the title of this blog post from the Charlie Puth song, “we don’t talk anymore”, I might as well link a performance of the song. I think it’s fitting for the contents of this post:

 

Flake

You know what’s annoying?

Flakes.

No, not these flakes:

snow flake

Not these either…

cornflakes

These are mildly annoying…

head flakes

But ok…It’s PEOPLE who flake That are ultimately super annoying to me. Now I’m going to keep it real, I don’t always make it to all of my “commitments”, but I usually try to keep my word unless there is a dire need to cancel (illness, mental/emotional/physical exhaustion, emergencies, etc).¬†As an introvert, someone with a hectic/demanding job AND someone with bouts of anxiety/depression, I get having moments pop up where you just need to cancel plans, but I try not to make a habit of agreeing to do something and then canceling last minute over and over and over. It’s tired.

The act of flaking per se, doesn’t bother me. Shit happens. What bothers me is when someone becomes a HABITUAL FLAKER. It¬†just becomes ridiculous because after so many occurences, it just makes you look like a really shitty friend/family member/co-worker, etc. I feel like people make being a decent human being a lot harder than it really is. Say what you’re going to do, follow through with it (AS OFTEN AS YOU CAN) and press on with life. Dassit. Simple science.

I have this friend who is more reliable as a flake than they are in any other sense of the word and I can’t really even get angry at her at this point because it’s laughable. Whenever she agrees to show up when we’re all hanging out or meeting up, I almost always assume she’s going to flake out and 97% of the time she does. It’s her “thing” I guess and I no longer take it personally because I just anticipate it and have come to accept the fact that she not a reliable person, which is sad, because no one should have to make excuses for why their friends are being shitty friends and “live with it”.

The funnier part here is that she’ll occasionally reach out and want to do things around town, which is awesome because I’m always up for adventure! In the past, I used to always make it a point to be supportive and join her, but fairly recently (as of maybe this past month) I find myself never giving her a definite confirmation that I’ll be there. “Sounds fun, I’ll see.” or, “I’ll let you know” and then I DO let her know that I’m not going and I don’t feel bad about it. I just don’t feel like carving out time in my day for it. I don’t feel like I need to feel obligated to be a loyal or supportive friend to someone who flakes as much as she does.¬† There is a difference between AGREEING to doing something and flaking out last minute and simply never agreeing to go in the first place. You want consistent loyalty in your friends, be a good friend. Keep your word. Show up to shit. Be a better friend. Period. End of discussion.

snaps

 

Meetup

Meetup

I’ve mentioned up here a few times about how I’ve met all over this wonderful people post breakup (back in November). Sure, some of the people I met through other friends or through random circumstances, but I’ve met a great deal of them through Meetup.

Now, I’m not going to get up here and plug Meetup (because they are not paying me to do so), but it’s been a great tool to flesh out my social circle a bit. Don’t get me wrong, I love and adore all of my friends equally, but there are certain hobbies I like to do or places I want to go/things I want to experience that may not appeal to all of them and that’s fine. Plus, once you kind of get out of college, making NEW friends outside of your social circle and work environment can be a little more challenging.

Meetup is just like its name says…it’s a “meet up”. You use the site to join “meetups” (groups) and RSVP to “events” that group is putting on. All of the “meetups” have “hosts” (some have one host others have several) that organize and post the events to members. Some have “meetups” weekly and others more sporadically or in more of an ad-hoc sense. Pretty much every group’s purpose is to help its members to branch out and meet new like minded folks. It’s great for people who have recently moved to town or just for people who may be a little shy or even newly single (hey, that’s me). Shortly after the break up, I was feeling really down in the dumps and really lonely (I don’t want to link to this because the post was extra sad). I probably spent at least two weeks just going to work and sleeping. I also wasn’t eating and was just barely getting through work each day. I was on autopilot. It didn’t help that during this time, I was for whatever goofy reason still seeing my ex (for lunch, coffee, etc), which was a bad idea because he also looked like death warmed over. It just made everything hurt that much more because we were both sad and it enhanced my sadness to see him like that. Yeah, I did a lot of sleeping and can’t remember a good chunk of that time period. I was not in a good place emotionally. Anyway, after having a bit of an emotional spaz fest around Thanksgiving, I decided I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and get back to living my life, but that I needed to live my life a bit differently and maybe try and do things I hadn’t done before to keep my mind off of being sad. I figured, what better way to do that than to pick up a new hobby or two and the rest is history.

I now have an additional social circle of friends that I regularly spend time with even outside of our regular meetups. We usually do a few things outside of meetup weekly and lately over each other’s places. It’s been so much fun getting to know them. They really helped me get through a dark period a few months ago and even more of a bonus, many of them had also just gone through breakups, so we were all kind of healing and leaning on one another to get better. It’s been great.

Aside from all of the positives that have come from meetup, like meeting new people that have become great friends, brushing up on various hobbies of mine, venturing out to new places in the area that I’ve never been to and getting a different perspective on life in general, it has also come with some negative aspects. One of which being the amount of men two stepping into my message box (yes, there is a messaging feature in meetup. Think of it like email).

Typically, the message function is supposed to be used by organizers to communicate with group members about events, but sometimes can also be used to communicate with members in your group…but for whatever reason lately, I’ve been inundated with messages from guys hitting on me, asking for my number, flatout asking me out on dates— sir, WTF?!

First of all, yes meetup could be used as a tool to date and or meet your next S.O., especially if you join a meetup geared towards that (like speed dating, singles groups/outings, etc), but cold messaging somebody out the fucking blue that you don’t even know or have never even seen in person is a little bold for my taste. It’s also bold to assume that person is not already in a relationship or at the very least actively dating. I could be an asshole and print screen these messages up here, but I don’t think that’s necessary. It’s just annoying. I don’t even have a racy photo on meetup. I’m literally in a sweater and jeans and my hair is frizzy. I think I took the photo in my bathroom. I personally think I look like a bum.

I will summarize two message exchanges I’ve had up there within the past month:

  1. One guy messaged me because we were in the same meetup group (not one I’m active in) and then further into the conversation asked if any of the groups I was a member of indicated if I was single. He then proceeded to ask me if I was “into older men”…Gross. No, dude.
  2. Another guy (just earlier this week) sent me some long message asking if I had seen black panther (which I have). Then further along his lengthy message asked me out on a date to go see the movie and wanted to know if I wanted to do dinner after, “my choice”. NO. WTH.
  3. Another guy after asking me about a meetup asked me to send him more photos of me and drop my digits. SO FULL OF NOPE.

Obviously, the meetups that I share with these guys (if any at all) are not ones I’m even active in or are meetups that are dormant and I’ve just been too lazy to remove them from my profile.

But jazzedout, you’ll date someone online, what makes this any different?

mocking

What makes this different is that I’m actively choosing to use online dating as one of MANY tools to date.¬† I am not actively choosing to be borderline harassed on a social website. Meetup is not specifically meant for online dating (exclusively anyway–it is not a dating website) nor is my entire reason for using it meant for dating. If you just so happen to date someone you meet through meetup, great, but cold messaging people is a bit creepy. Secondly, if I am online dating and I decide to meet that person IRL, we’ve usually spoken quite a bit and feel comfortable enough with one another before even moving to that stage. I’ve never been one to be like, “hey, this guy I know NOTHING about just asked me to see this movie tonight in his first message, off I go”.

arthr

No sir. You ever seen a lifetime movie or 1,000 ways to die? Won’t be me. Bet.

Anyway, aside from the creepy men dropping in my messages (I’m usually nice and respond by politely declining, but I think I’ll just start ignoring or blocking all together), it’s been a pretty cool tool to use in expanding my social circles. I definitely recommend it….just maybe shut your messaging feature off (I believe you also get communications from your organizers in your email too), so you probably don’t technically need that feature turned on.

Mr. Swagoo

So I’ve been meaning to write a follow up post about dude from valentine’s day, let’s just call him, “mr. swagoo”. As I mentioned in that post, I was instantly drawn to him because he was so cool. He’s traveled to all of these amazing places, seemed really smart, was very well put together, dressed very professionally and was very kind and non judgemental to everyone. Talking to him seemed to come second nature to me and we spent hours in a bar valentine’s day chatting, which sealed our solid friendship.

Fast Forward several weeks and we’ve even gone out a few times (solo) as friends. One Saturday night, he took me to a concert downtown. It was kind of a lame concert (a friend of his got free tickets and gave them to him), but it was still fun being there with him and cracking jokes about everything around us.

Friday night I had a huge gathering for my birthday at this local Mexican restaurant and he came out despite not really knowing any of my other friends, which I thought was sweet, especially since we’ve known each other MAYBE three and a half weeks. He immediately integrated in with everyone as if he had known them all for years and even really hit it off with another good friend that I recently met a week or two coming off of the break-up. He “worked the room” much better than I did (after a¬† while, I became too drunk and overwhelmed to really move around like that and just sort of allowed people to come to me).

After chatting with everyone, he came back over to me and bought me a few drinks (he his a jack and coke, old fashion or bourbon neat sort of guy–classy). The way he sat close to me and placed his hand on mine as we chatted caused me to tune everyone else out and tune into to him exclusively. He tuned everyone out as well and focused just on me. We talked about getting together in the coming week for dinner and HIS birthday dinner the following weekend (which he invited me to the same night that we met). He left towards the end of the dinner as my other friends started talking about making plans to venture downtown. He gave me this huge bear hug and told me to text him. He explicitly also asked me to text him later to let him know I made it home ok too (after the tomfoolery downtown with friends). As the responsible adult that he is, he mentioned needing to get some rest so he could tend to his yard work in the morning.¬† He owns his own house about five minutes down the road from my townhome (which I am renting-eek) and I found out through conversation that he owns a corvette (o__o) as a second car. Clearly I’m not living my best life, folks.

After his departure, one of my lifelong best friends (who was also there) made a comment to me about how nice mr. swagoo seemed and even asked if there was something going on between us.

hmmm

At first I found this funny until I actually thought about it (in my drunken mind) and how I may have been unintentionally friendzoning him. Oops. I thought back to all of the times he asked to “hangout” and how half of those times I declined in order to dick around with friends or the guys HALF his worth I’ve been dating. I thought about how he always texts me and how responsive, funny and very kind he is in his texts. I thought about how well we clicked that night we met and how non-judgemental he is. I thought about how I’ve seen numerous examples of how sweet and thoughtful he is…and I thought about how nice he dressed.

Why have I been blind to this?! Have I really spent this many weeks in a consistent drunken haze that I haven’t noticed?!

I think what it boils down to (and I did a tweet thread about this last weekend) is that I’m so used to having guy friends that I often don’t think twice about it. I just assume if I met a guy under the realm of a friendly environment, friends we sha’ll be! I rarely stop to think, “maybe this guy quite possibly may want to be all up in my guts…or in the very least, might want to entertain getting to know me beyond friends”. It literally takes a guy shaking me and shouting that he wants to date me sometimes in order for me to realize these things. This might also have something to do with self esteem (although much better than years past) and how I don’t really believe I’m anyone’s “type” or truly believe guys when they tell me they like or me that I’m beautiful. Yeah I know, this is wild. I’m working through this.

I’m not saying this guy is any of those things and for all I know maybe he’s just really nice and enjoys my company just as I enjoy his. I will say that my eyes are open now and I’m starting to pay a little bit more attention to him. I’d like to get to know him more, even if it’s as friends. He had my curiosity, now he has my attention. He’s not even my “type”, which might be perfect, because clearly my “type” hasn’t been working out so well these last few years. I realized this weekend that I find him to be extremely sexy. He just has swag out of this atmosphere and I want to be around the good vibes he’s putting off.

Anyway, I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself here, I just plan to be a bit more on alert than before. I’m fine being friends with him because he’s unlike anyone else in my life right now and I think he offers a different perspective on life. He’s allowing me to reconsider what I want out of life and how maybe I’m holding back just a bit on some of my goals and dreams.

 

Text w/ The Ex

So when I last wrote, I was scrambling to plan a “home cooked taco dinner” for baby face for when he dropped by my place Saturday for our date. I’m not sure what prompted me to cook for him other than the fact that he’s dropped some serious coins on our dates and I feel guilty. Granted, he’s willingly done this and hasn’t been like one of those guys who looks at me like, “you owe me”. He’s admittedly very southern (born and raised) and maybe that’s just normal to him. I guess I just wanted to be nice and look like I’m trying to make an effort not to be appear to be a mooch or take advantage in any way, even though I’m lazy and hate cooking elaborate things.

Anyway, as I was thinking about the tacos I was going to make and everything I needed from the store when I got off of work, I got a text from my ex. I had to take a double take at my phone at first, because while we aren’t NOT speaking to one another, we haven’t been in consistent communication since the holidays–and at least on my end that’s been fairly intentional. Well, I take that back, we spoke that day he was tailgating me on the way to work, which was a month and a half ago. It was also weird to see a message from him (still have him on mute, so I didn’t actually notice it at first) because I had been thinking about the amazing tacos he used to make and just how I was going to mimic them for Saturday’s dinner/date. It’s like he felt those vibes of me trying to steal his shit.

“Hey there. How are you?” His text read. That’s such a loaded question, ha….but unlike the last time he asked me this question, I could honestly answer that I was doing really well and MEAN IT.

We actively texted back and forth over the course of an hour or so. He told me he had gotten approved for a mortgage loan and was seriously looking to buy a house as soon as he got an offer accepted. He had decided that he wanted to buy a house in need of renovations on the edge of downtown in an up and coming trendy area that’s slowly being gentrified. When he shared the good news with me, I couldn’t help but to be overcome with joy for him. The news genuinely gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside and made my afternoon. I’m so very proud of him because I know this is something he’s wanted to do for a year or more and he’s finally there. All of those long nights and weekends of OT to save up for it paid off.

As we continued to catch up, I couldn’t help but to notice how far I have come over the past few months. I was able to speak to him and feel no emotion or bitterness, just genuine happiness as if I was talking to an old friend.¬† I am over the moon happy for him. So, so proud.

overcome with happiness.gif

The fact that I’ve gotten to the point where I can celebrate in his successes without hate in my heart is HUGE for me. It’s not that I’ve ever “hated” him during the past few months, but there were days where I wasn’t his biggest fan because I was hurt and being emotionally irrational (rightfully so though. I am human). Ha. Particularly when I was CAPS LOCK mad at him back in December (but in my defense I was PMsing and he did drop several bombs on me in that conversation which added fuel to the fire).

Anyway, before our conversation wrapped up, I did cop that taco recipe from him, which he gladly shared, even though I left the details of “why” I was making tacos pretty vague (just said I had an “event” – which isn’t really a lie—an event of getting my back bent and fractured –¬† lol).

yasssss gif

Even though I’ve gotten to a point where I’m in a better place with how things ended between us, I still don’t care to share details of my love life with him. That’s no longer his business just as I don’t really care to know about his either. So as long as he’s happy with that area of his life, I’ll be happy for him there too.

Welp. The tacos ended up being a big hit, but I’ll save that for another post ūüėČ .