Stretch Yourself, Girl

I’m so happy this week is coming to a close. It’s been busy both socially and professionally, but I learned my lesson from last week in that it’s always important to listen to my body, protect my peace and allow myself down days/mental health days when needed.

Last night I had another date with the teacher. This date had been rescheduled from Sunday when I was, “sick” (mentally exhausted). On my way to meet him, I was slammed with requests from other friends to “hangout”. Three friends back to back in fact, including the guy from Vday (which reminds me, I need to write a post about him). While flattering, I didn’t want to cancel on the teacher again and declined all of the offers.  I can’t remember being in this high demand like…ever. I even have all of these “engagements” tonight and had to decline on like two for tomorrow. I’m this average person. I wasn’t even this popular in my 20s. What is this even? Am I on punk’d?

punk'd 2

The teacher and I originally had plans to eat at this trendy southern place downtown (since we both spoke about how we like BBQ the last time we met), but once we got there, we realized it was closed for a private event. Just great. Since we were kind of anchored downtown (he actually paid $10 to park in a garage, while I parked a few blocks away for free.99!), we opted for this little taco spot instead (which btw, tmi, but those tacos from last night have my stomach doing the running man this morning. I can’t eat at that place anymore). It was dive barish and tacky, but near the college up the street, so it was understandable. We both ordered margaritas (since it was national margarita day) and spent an hour or two talking about our weeks. I felt bad, because it had been so long since our last encounter, that I was having trouble remembering some details about him. Like I remembered things like what he did, that he was in the army, that he liked both dogs AND cats, that he had family a few hours away etc. But I kept forgetting things like he enjoyed board games–which is a hobby we actually share. I would forget the that. I think casually dating several guys at the same time is putting a lot of strain on my short term memory (but it is also helping me pace myself and not become emotionally attached to anyone too soon). Anyway, the date went ok, he walked me back to my car and said we should do it again. He even followed up with a text message later on that evening saying the same thing. I’m so jaded though that I never take any of that to face value. I mean, just this situation alone was enough for me to not to put stock in anything anyone you’re casually dating says. People basically say shit to say it, I’m convinced. Hell, I do it sometimes. Pssh. I don’t know. I like him, but I may lead too much of a crazy life for him. He seems more calm and reserved. We’ll see.

Speaking of dates and plans, I have plans with baby face this weekend. Aside from our first date, all of our others have basically been, “We’re going to start the night at this place, but we’ll plan all of our other rendezvous from there.” This has worked out fine, because it can get complicated to plan TOO much too soon. I do appreciate that he at least sort of tag teams with me on planning though unlike this guy. I did offer to make him dinner Saturday because he mentioned really craving “street tacos” and I feel guilty that he’s been dropping all of these coins lately on dinners (even though he doesn’t seem to mind–I did take care of our $45 drink tab last week, but I wanted to…but still). Do I like to cook? Not really. Am I good at cooking? I haven’t set myself on fire (yet)…I’m ok. Ha, to be honest, I got really spoiled with my ex, because cooking was his *thing*. He did this really well. Ain’t nobody out here cooking better than him, *kevin hart voice* I promise you, boo-boo. Gotta give credit where it is due. But now that I think about it, he may have just been using me as a guinea pig to make these elaborate dishes just to see if he could do it. That food still hit though, I’m not gonna lie.


In fact, when we were together, I rarely had to even buy groceries, because he’d cook for me so much, which was sweet, because I’m lazy (but I would bake for him and from scratch) . Ha, so being the one cooking this go ’round should be interesting. I’m going to steal borrow one of those taco recipes he used. Because again. Lazy here. Hopefully I don’t give him (baby face) food poisoning or set my house on fire in the process. I definitely won’t be sharing the same bowl that raw chicken sat in for the cooked chicken though. That’s an automatic deal breaker or as baby face would say, “hard pass”. Aside from dinner and maybe a movie out, we’ll see what else becomes of the evening.

On another note, I’ve been tossing around the idea of inviting baby face to a birthday dinner I’m having with friends next friday. Last time I counted, about 20 friends of mine will be there, probably more? Through conversation, he mentioned that his birthday is three days after mine, which means we actually share a birthday weekend, haha. I go back and forth on this decision, because this guy is not my “boyfriend” and I’m really trying to keep this “casual” for now to see where it goes and what becomes of it. I’m not sure if I really want to introduce someone to my clique that I’m casually–nomnom…*jamaican air horn toot*…er… — On the other hand, I feel like it would be rude of me NOT to invite him, since it’s also his birthday and I probably spend close to the amount of time with him that I do with some of my other friends that will be there…So I don’t know. I just worry about how I would introduce him to friends that really haven’t heard of him? Because they will equally be like, dude wtf.

“Oh, this is baby face, he’s my….uh…you see we…I…well…–What’s that over there?!”



I don’t want to introduce him as a “friend” because that might be insulting, but he’s not my—ugh…and we’re back at square one all over again. I’m sure I’ll figure it out. I guess I can at least mention it to him to see if he even wants to go. He may be too overwhelmed by that, to be honest. Hell, I’m overwhelmed and it’s my own birthday dinner. I didn’t even realize I had this many friends until recently. Shit. Who knew?

Again…Where is my emotional support peacock? Does he do appointments…? Srsly u guise



Making Lady Friends After 29ish.

Let me tell you. You get to a certain age in life and making friends becomes a little more tricky.

I’ve been going into social butterfly overdrive lately and the introvert in me is a bit worn down. By Saturday night, I was having an internal melt down because I hadn’t been truly “alone” in three days and I was starting to feel overwhelmed.

At first, I made it a point to get out and be more social to get my mind off of this, but then it became more of way to expand my social circle(s) and now I find myself on this quest of, “yes, I’ll do that”, almost every single night of the week. My bank account is NOT happy with me, but I will admit since it happened, I’ve met so many wonderful people and become closer to friends of mine I had sort of neglected.

Part of my quest to expand my social circles lately is to make more female friends. I’ve always been more of, “hang with the guys”, kind of girl, but mostly because I’ve always been a little more tomboyish (I like cars, sports, sneakers, etc) and calm-natured. Yes, I doll up, wear makeup, carry a purse, care about my appearance, etc, I’ve just always felt more relaxed around guys I guess. There are just sometimes though where you want a female perspective or want to vent/rant about things that only other women could relate to…like periods…or how terrible some of our dating choices have been…or why some of us can seem to fully get over our exes, because…the feels.

I have never had any issue making new male friends. 70% of my close or best friends are male (gay and straight). I feel more like myself in those situations and surprisingly I haven’t found it difficult to look at them in a (mostly) platonic way. Not that females aren’t/can’t be any of these things (to me), but I’ve only managed to meet a handful of women in my young adult life that vibe on the same level as me. A lot of the other females I have met seem tangled up into drama and are necessarily catty.

So while over the past year or so, I’ve added a few really cool female friends to my social circle, I decided to partake in an exclusive all female brunch outing over the weekend. I wore chucks and jeans to the brunch.


Some of them dolled up and others, like me, went the more casual route. The brunch was actually through a meet up, so going in, I really only knew 1-2 of the women outside of the meet up and only on kind of an acquaintance level. But did this scare me? Not at all. Part of getting to know people is through conversation and engaging in conversation can be easy if you find relatable things to talk about. I’ve made it a goal of mine in adulthood to try to carry on engaging conversations from people of all walks of life. You would be surprised at how many grown ass people lack the basic skill of carrying on an engaging conversation (hint: if you’re interested in someone, end your sentences with questions, smile, don’t be one-worded–elaborate).

Like me, most of the ladies were newly single, worked demanding jobs and wanted to be more social in general. We discussed work, our pets, misc clothing sales, our families and so on. They were a pretty cool group of women. Everything was going swimmingly until one of them basically insinuated being disgusted by “hanging out” with guys, even on more of a mellow and casual setting within a group like we were doing. She claimed that in “co-ed” hangouts men were only interested in hooking up?

ryan gos - stressed

She went on a tangent about this for nearly twenty minutes or so. I know she talked about it long enough for me to lose interest in the conversation. I thought to myself:  Like, why are you so mad?! Who hurt you?! Maybe the guys I associate with are respectful? I mean, even in situations where a (guy) friend of mine has hinted out to having, “stronger than friendship feelings” for me, it was never aggressive or perverted.  I decided to keep my responses to her tangent abbreviated because she seemed really agitated and bitter, haha.

The rest of brunch went ok, but I feel like I would only occasionally hangout with maybe two out of the seven (not counting me) that were there. Actually, I’m not even a huge fan of “fancy brunch”. I could skip the mimosa, toss me a (craft) beer (or cider) or dump some Bailey’s in my coffee and I’m a happy camper.

Anyway, I met two or three other women out later on that evening after game night with other friends of mine (per usual, we bar hopped). I guess I’ll work on establishing closer friendships with the female friends I already have, because they’re some of the coolest chicks I know.

(Almost on) The Other Side.

With each passing day I feel more and more like myself. For a few months now, I’ve been waiting on that feeling of “waking up one day and feeling better”. While I haven’t hit that day yet, I feel that I’m dangerously close and it feels amazing. I no longer listen to sad songs or songs about love and cry. I can pass by places we went and not be overwhelmed by sadness. I can look at photos of him and not be depressed (though I did delete all of them off of my phone).  I can think back to time we spent together and be reminded of good times instead of being bitter and resentful. All I do now is genuinely wish him well (internally) with each passing day. Breaking up around the holidays is particularly difficult (difficult in general), because the entire world around you seems to be happy and you’re in the pits of hell trying to muster up the ability to pull yourself out of bed and simply exist in a world that seems so cold and dark. Dramatic, I know…but I don’t know how to describe that any better. That shit is depressing.

I can tell I’m starting to feel better because the idea of dating isn’t entirely off putting. As I go out more and more, I feel more confident to possibly entertain it. I find myself looking at/meeting guys that I find attractive or not entirely obnoxious. I also find myself being able to quickly identify guys that I could entertain and guys to stay away from (guys that would potentially stress me out or eat away at my peace–BIG no-no in 2018). And while looking/meeting these guys, I’m not necessarily comparing them to my ex. Not that he’s a bad guy, but comparing every guy to him would be dangerous and destructive. I’m not even sure if I want to date someone exactly like him, even though I don’t hate him as a person (he’s a kindhearted person). What I DO know is that I most definitely, under NO circumstances want to ever RUSH a relationship ever again in the way that I did with him. Nothing good ever comes from that. If you EVER feel rushed through a relationship like I did, SPEAK UP and let your voice be heard before going down that bumpy road. I feel like he was subconsciously destructive and careless with my heart for his need of companionship and cohabitation because I showed him genuine kindness and love and he chased after it like a wild animal. I feel like he was in love with BEING in love and I stupidly went along with it. We’re human, it happens.

Last night, I went out with some friends (as I’ve been consistently doing now for the better part of a month or two) and managed to meet some guys while bar hopping, that bought me drinks. I honestly was trying to save money and cut myself off at $20 worth of drinks, but certainly didn’t turn down the offer for more!

Ryan G - buy you a drank

While this has been a common theme lately (going out), I can’t remember a more vibrant time in my life where I’ve just been able to go out and let the world be my oyster. I mean, even last year this time I was “seeing someone” and dated throughout much of the time between that guy and my most recent ex. I haven’t really had enough time to just fly solo. It’s been fun and has helped me to brush up on my flirtation skills–which reminds me, I’m super doper goofy when it comes to flirting. I mostly just end up being silly and making the guy laugh, which usually ends up breaking up any awkward tension.

laughing really wide.gif

I’m not taking any of these interactions seriously right now, I’m just having fun being single and free. I find all of the interactions as practice and “dusting things off” so to speak. Which by the way, I have “interacted” with guys here and there, but it’s not important enough to disclose on this post…Outside of this guy.

I think I can do this again in time. I’m happy that I’m not entirely broken or defective merchandise. I AM lovable. A month, 3 months, 6 months from now, I look forward to what life might have in store for me, but for now I’m just going to sit back and continue on the journey back to normalcy. This is certainly a change from a time where I couldn’t imagine seeing the sun again.


Hello, 2018.


I spent much of the last few hours of 2017 randomly road tripping and being fairly intoxicated, but in the midst of all of this craziness, I did take time to reflect on 2017 as a whole. The ups, the downs, the in between moments. I think 2017 as a whole wasn’t a bad year for me. Many amazing things happened and I learned some very valuable life lessons, including allowing myself to to fall in love and be loved in return.

Speaking of which, I briefly spoke to my ex yesterday while on the road. We had a cordial conversation and wished each other a Happy New Year. At the conclusion of our text message conversation, I told him that I hoped 2018 would be a great year for him and I genuinely meant it. He deserves it just as much as I do. Through all of this, I honestly believe he has been as nice as he possibly can be given the situation. This statement was also my way of saying goodbye to him indefinitely. I really don’t want to bring any of that into 2018. I’ve spent enough time and energy on it. I want to let go and move on and I will never be able to do that if we’re still in communication with one another. I will never be able to open my heart to someone else if I’m still stuck on this. This is not to say that I won’t EVER speak to him again, I just need a extended detox. I started the process of taking this detox seriously, by removing photos of him from my phone. I didn’t delete them forever and always, just moved them off of my phone and to a drive. I look forward to the day when/if we reconnect and we’re able to catch up on life as  old friends. I still support him in all that he does, as I told him I would a few days ago.

While bringing the new year in with one of my best friends and another one of his friends, I got a phone call from blast from the past wishing me a happy new year. He’s called every year for the past five years. The only year he missed was the first year we met where we spent it together. We sort of lost touch halfway through last year and of course I went MIA after hoping into a relationship that I never really told him about (even when we were in his city visiting for a day last year). I also intentionally refused to speak to him after he never returned my calls and texts telling him I needed a friend to talk to after the break up. When I did finally CALL HIM he addressed my messages, but never explained why he didn’t RETURN my cry for help. Anyway, I’m trying to shed holding grudges and being angry with people in 2018. I’d like to work on our friendship in the coming year and that starts with open communication. I don’t believe we need to be best friends or even speak on a daily basis, but I do want to have confidence in our friendship and that’s something I lost at the end of last year.

Speaking of things I want to work on in this year (not in any order of importance):

  • Maintaining a healthy lifestyle (physically, emotionally, mentally)
  • Being more open/honest with my emotions/needs
  • Financial stability
  • Keeping my heart open, but not wearing it on my sleeve
  • Staying more organized

Fingers crossed that I’m able to accomplish these goals–I won’t refer to them as “resolutions”, because these are things I’ve technically been working on since the end of last year anyway.

Here’s to a new year. May it be a good one 🙂



Real Quick Once…

beach 12-28-17

(I took a quick overnight road trip to the beach to clear my head Thursday-Friday. I felt at peace doing this alone)

Life has been fairly chaotic lately, but in a good way. With each passing day I feel better and much more like myself. I no longer feel like I have to abuse my medication or drown myself in alcohol just to “make it through”.

I’ve spent so much time lately being social, but it’s helped me to refocus and look forward to the future. One of the things I haven’t put much effort into is dating. I found out from my ex that he’s “newly seeing someone” (I’m not sure how “newly” he means) and I have to say that this news didn’t really trigger any emotion from me. I mean, I AM happy for him, but I also think he’s extremely impulsive, so hopefully that works out for him? I hope he learned something from our situation and doesn’t repeat it, but I have a feeling he probably will. I feel like I’ll be 100% better when I can look at that situation and just find happiness without indirect (or well direct) insult. But no, that’s great for him and I’m glad he told me and we talked about it. Previously, I told him I was still healing and not really entertaining dating at the moment and he (I guess) seemed ok with me telling him how I FELT (which I don’t regret).

Anyway, I’ve been attending some nights out with friends lately where we’ll play board games at various bars. It’s been a great way to dust off some old skills and also meet many new people. The Saturday before Christmas, we all met up for a game night and drinks. We spent hours playing games, tossing back drinks, laughing and having fun. Post game night, a few of us decided to bar hop around the city. While bar hopping, I ended up talking to this one guy in our group. While we’d seen each other here and there at game nights, we never really spoke directly until that night. We ended up spending the entire night talking and laughing. He was really great company. He was classy, kind and super intelligent. Towards the end of the night, he put his arm around me as we stumbled back to his car (he drove me and some others across downtown to one bar because it was too far to walk). It felt nice to be in good company. We ended up exchanging numbers, adding each other on facebook and Instagram. I’ve been so detached from the idea of dating that I’ve lost the ability to really determine if someone likes me or is flirting with me. Alcohol was a factor in this situation (we both easily had about 8 beers that night between 8 hours) so I’m not going to read too much into it….plus, I’m fine just as I am. Why complicate things? We still keep in touch here and there and saw each other at last night’s game night, where we tag teamed during each game we played. If anything, he seems like he’d make a cool friend. What I don’t want to do is go haywire with assumptions and expectations right now. Yeah, I just want to kind of chill and have fun.

But am I ready for dating? Like really ready to ‘get back out there’ and really do this? Ha, no. I find myself post breakups not really taking dating too seriously if I jump in too soon. I did this last year after a situation ended. I ended up spending much of the spring casually dating here and there with no real purpose other than to pass the time. I didn’t take any of the guys seriously. Maybe I was too critical of them all or maybe they all really were huge time sucks.  It wasn’t until I met my ex (which I never expected to), that changed the game, so to speak. He was different. I have faith that some other guy will come along (when I least expect it) and change the game again, but for now I’m not going to actively search.

Anyway, I hope in 2018 I’m able to start fresh again. While 2017 had some amazing moments, it also had some dangerous lows and some revelations. Here’s to hoping it’s a good one.


And so it goes.

Here it goes…

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It’s been a week

…details to come soon!