Persona(s)*

I keep clicking the “write” button in hopes that I’ll have some extravagant and wildly colorful blog post to share, but nope! Life is good, but I can’t quite organize my thoughts enough elaborate on any one thing at the moment.

I will say that aside from my writer’s block, I’m coming to terms with truly being vulnerable in my relationship. Initially (in a new-ish relationship), it’s the most uncomfortable feeling in the world to me to truly trust someone enough to be unapologetically naked (emotionally) around them . By nature, I’m an extremely private person. Like, really private. I share very little about myself with co-workers, acquaintances, family and even friends of mine that I don’t consider “close”. I’m the kind of person that will make you THINK you know a great deal about my life, but I’m very savvy in just giving you enough to think you do. Tip of the iceberg type shit. I’ve also mastered the art of redirecting attention or conversations off of my personal life. It’s not that I’m hiding any deep, dark secrets, I just don’t trust easily and I don’t want to be judged for who I truly am. I like to be in control of the persona others perceive me to be. It’s important for me to maintain a “certain image”.

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At work I’m the “I work HARD. I have all of my shit together personally/professionally and I ‘work well under pressure’. I also work and play well with others. I’m probably the nicest most team orientated person you know and I always get things done. I’m your girl, but lack of work life balance is non-negotiable. ”

It's handled

With my family it’s the, “I’m wildly imaginative (almost to a fault), but I’m kind, loving and a “good girl”. I would never say or do anything (purposely) mean spirited. I’m resourceful. I am intelligent and can take care of myself. I’m trustworthy.”

flower child

With friends I’m, “silly and fun, always up for an adventure. I’m very sweet and a good listener and always have a (mostly) positive outlook on life. I’d give you the shirt off of my back if I could. I’d help you move all of your stuff sans uhaul in the pouring rain. While I don’t think as highly of myself as humanly possible, I’m well aware of what I’m capable of and I’ve grown into who I am as a person and I’m confident-ish. I’m loyal, patient, creative, nurturing and loving. I am fearless.”

will smith

My relationship persona is the one I feel least comfortable in. It’s the persona where I’m THE MOST vulnerable and the one where (at times) I am the most afraid.

LEO Screams

When I’m in a relationship and I truly care deeply about my partner and start to really let my walls down I become a not so polished version of the personas above. I wonder if my partner can handle the unpolished, unedited, raw version of me. I may not always appear to have my shit together, a lot of things scare me, I don’t work particularly well under pressure (though I’ll roll with the punches and I’m flexible),  sometimes I allow anxiety to get the best of me, I’m sweet (but at times to a fault where it inconveniences me), I’m not as much of a “good girl” (I often take risks and consider the consequences later. I also tend to do really stupid and extremely self destructive things–I’m going to get to that in an entirely separate post), I’m fiercely independent and at times like to do things on my own (and will need to be alone), but I just as frequently want to do and experience things with my S.O. by my side, even if it’s just a netflix night. I’m stubborn, absurd and I daydream a lot. A lot. A lot. Sometimes I’ll get defensive if I feel like casual conversation is turning into an interrogation, when really my S.O. might genuinely want to know things about me or my past that I’ve failed to elaborate on previously. Each move I make is calculated and it might take me longer to feel “comfortable” to do seemingly insignificant things (like “sleep overs”, meeting friends/family, physical intimacy, etc) for fear of things not panning out and getting hurt. I have to feel an overwhelming amount of safety/security with someone to exhale in that way and it’s hard. It’s hard to put that much energy into something–someone, to not really know *IF* it will work out down the line. You invest a lot of yourself (time, emotions, etc) into it. While I won’t openly verbalize this, I’ll need the occasional reassurance that everything is ok.

Revealing my inner most mess(es) to my S.O. is starting to stress me out a tad because I wonder what he makes of it all. He’s easy going and doesn’t seem particularly phased, but my anxiety of course says otherwise. Not that I’ve revealed anything particularly earth shattering or have anything particularly earth shattering to share? Aside from my relationship fears, I’ve pretty much at least touched on other pivotal parts of my life thus far (and he’s done the same). He knows enough about me at this point to form his own opinion of me. But is that enough?

I don’t know, but so far he seems: Supportive. Kind. Patient.

A few weeks ago, he saw me in a very unexpected and vulnerable state of extreme frustration. An unexpected expense concerning my car really caught me off guard and the building stress and frustration of it all practically left me in tears. Up to that point, I had been (at times) robotic in my emotions and had really only shown him a relaxed mood, a nurturing mood, a happy mood, a silly mood and an adventurous mood with very little deviation from that heavy rotation. In that moment, I forgot he was there and panicked when I snapped back to reality. I apologized all over myself for the slip of “professionalism” in those moments.

I don’t cry.

Well, I rarely cry and when I do, I don’t cry in front of people, so to have him witness me in a very emotionally raw state where I temporarily lost control was uncomfortable at first. Would he find me to be annoying or a big baby? Would he be dismissive? What if he thinks that I’m crazy? 

crazycrazy

Actually, I know I’m crazy and I’m learning to accept that in my 30s!

I don’t know if he felt any of those things in that moment, but he did the best thing he could do in that situation when your girlfriend is in a panicked state: he hugged me, told me it would be ok and offered his support if I needed anything from him. He later drove me to pick up a rental car (since I was also going to be without my car for a week). Just those little things were HUGE to me.

Wow! I didn’t mean to ramble on that much. I guess I wrote all of that to say that this “L” stuff (like, love , yes, like), is scary. I really like this guy and I don’t want to fuck this up. I’m going to try not to fuck this up. In order to do that, I’m going to eventually have to suck it up and fully let down my walls.

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Vacay Get Away

The last couple of weeks have been a weird combination of total cloud-nine bliss and red line stress–very little regular “in between moments”, but I’ll explain.

Things with the home buying are not going as well as planned. Without putting all of my business on front street, I’m really struggling to save money for a down payment due to some unforeseen expenses that have recently come up (most notably with my truck). The expenses of my truck have started to make me seriously weigh the options of getting a new car, but I can’t buy a house and a car at the same time, so I’ve got to determine which expense is more dire. I guess if I can’t get to work, I would eventually not be able to make money, which wouldn’t look so great in terms of buying a home.

In happier news, I just got back from my first vacation with my boyfriend (that still feels weird to say–well, type).

It seems like only yesterday we were just drunkenly tossing around hypothetical scenarios of “getting away”, but surprisingly everything panned out and we didn’t end up killing each other in the process.

We opted for a weekend in the mountains because we both prefer mountains over the beach and because he felt a burning desire to visit his Alma mater after a decade of graduating just for nostalgia’s sake and wanted me along for the ride.

Our trip initially started off a little shaky due to some unforeseen issues with my suv (which we had planned on using for the trip), but we effortlessly switched gears and took his 4 cyl, rear wheel drive car instead (which fucking struggled up those damn mountains). In addition to my suv being a royal pain in the ass and dying, we also ended up facing a great deal of rain our first night away. Since he booked an AirBnb on the edge of town (on top of a mountain), we opted to stock up on snacks at the local grocery store and barricade ourselves in for the evening, into the following afternoon. We spent practically the first 24 hrs as you would expect any couple with tons of freedom, privacy and downtime to do. Yep.

I will go on record and say that while I was opting for more of a spontaneous and open-minded attitude this weekend (for myself), I don’t think I’m a huge fan of shower sharing (which, I’ve avoided doing in previous relationships).

shower time

While wildly romantic-in-the-moment-fun, logistically speaking it’s messy, distracting and cuts into my alone time to process all of my internal chaos. I prefer to have those few moments of peace to myself.

The majority of our trip lacked a specific itinerary (mostly because we’re both equally lazy and equally laid back and agreeable), but I did make it known that a good friend of mine from graduate school lived in the area and I would feel guilty if I didn’t make it a point to catch up while we were in town. I figured it wouldn’t be a huge deal, as The Teacher has met about ten of my friends in the past week, what’s one more right? We’re on a roll here…I’m finally integrating him into my social circles and he seems to fit in well.

Ha. From the moment I even introduced the idea he seemed uncharacteristically indifferent and shamelessly critical (once I mentioned feeling guilty about not visiting my old pal) to say it didn’t seem like my “pal” had really made that big of an effort to visit me either so my guilt wasn’t even truly justified.

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WELP.

To further add fuel to the fire, he intentionally initiated a wildly intense and passionate session nearly an hour before we planned to link up with my friend, causing us to be flustered, messy haired, wrinkle clothed and half an hour late. I blamed it on getting lost.

Anyway, lunch ended up going mostly off without any drama, though I could feel the tension between the two of them the entire time. Oddly enough they’re both very similar (both teach, both have the same interests, both grew up in the same area, etc). I’ve always felt like my old grad school buddy had a “thing” for me, even if a very *small* and *innocent* thing and I think the Teacher (without me even directly pointing that out), could pick up on that energy and was not here for ANY. OF. IT. Outside of the obligatory lunch, The Teacher managed to surpass my expectations in meeting about ten of my friends over the course of two separate social gatherings in the past week. The friends of mine that he’s met so far seem to think highly of him.

After the obligatory lunch, we had the rest of the weekend to ourselves and mostly meandered around his old college campus and the neighboring downtown before grabbing some beers at a local brewery and opting to pick up take out to eat in. Our vacation together included a lot of down time, which I appreciated, because my life has been so busy lately. It was nice to not have to go anywhere or do anything at a specific or set time. We also had very shitty reception, so it forced me to unplug. If we felt like laying in bed and eating Thai food while watching netflix, that’s what we did. If we felt like showering at 2 in the morning and then playing a board game while eating rock candy, that’s what we did. If we felt like sitting on our porch watching a rainstorm while cuddled up and talking for hours, that’s what we did and it was fun.

I think traveling with someone really shows you a more three dimensional version of who they truly are because you’re around each other for long periods of time (or in our case a straight 72 hours–maybe minus a collective 30-40 minutes for combined bathroom breaks over the course of those 72 hours). I’ve found that this can be both a good and bad experience, but this particular experience (minus his indifference about my old college buddy), was wonderful. I truly enjoyed spending those moments with him.

Some things I learned about him while on this trip

  • He has the sleeping habits of a bat
  • He needs at least one “lay in the bed” nap a day (and is very serious about this)
  • He refuses to drink “off brand” bottled water
  • He’s not big on eating breakfast (neither am I–so we skipped it mostly)
  • He likes to read for at least an hour before bed
  • He’s not crazy about driving long distances (or up mountains in the rain)
  • He packs relatively light
  • He doesn’t like nature or woodland creatures
  • He claims that the army taught him to how to hide that he’s “somewhat ticklish”
  • He’s not here for someone crushing on his girlfriend–AT. ALL.
  • He likes to use my conditioner in the shower
  • He apparently spent a lot of time in college missing classes due to sleeping
  • He very rarely smiles normally in photos. He prefers to be goofy

Well, one trip down, hopefully more adventures to come.

 

Passed The Test?

Per usual, I overextended myself this past weekend and never quite caught up on sleep that I lost in the previous week/weekend, but this wasn’t just any run of the mill overly social weekend, it was The Teacher‘s 30th birthday weekend and I really wanted to make him feel really special because he deserved it…annnndddd…I just really love celebrating people’s birthdays.

Since he and I had, had some solo time a few days before the actual day, he asked if it would be ok if I basically spent the entire afternoon/evening with him and his friends, to which I was perfectly fine with. His friends (who we had brunch with the week prior) coordinated a game afternoon of sorts. While his friends are very different from mine (they’re a little more calm, maybe a bit more reserved and way more sophisticated)  I’ve gotten used to them and I can tell they really care a lot about him, which I think is very sweet. They seemed just as excited about his birthday as I was, which was far more excited than The Teacher was. I think he was mostly just excited to have an excuse to day drink the bottle of Scotch I bought him, because birthday!

Shortly after arriving, his other two friends (the married couple) arrived with a gang of snacks in tow. I’m talking groceries from Whole Foods, bih! The couple that was hosting (the engaged couple) had a plate of cheese, lunch meat and bowl of pretzels, but this couple upstaged them in their own house, which was kind of funny. We all stood around in the kitchen as they unpacked their bags. We had dinner plans later that evening, so I was confused as to why they felt the need to bring so much food until they unpacked bag #3 and handed me chicken jerky, halo top ice cream and two different kinds of cheese sticks (I ate the cheese sticks before snapping a photo).

 

The Teacher mentioned that you were doing Keto and we’ve both done it and we know it sucks when you don’t have many choices of things to eat, so we brought you keto snacks so that’d you have something to eat too because he says you often don’t think of yourself and sometimes you forget to eat.”

Ya’ll. YA’LL!

I don’t know if it was the alcohol (I had downed a drink on an empty stomach), the exhaustion (I had stayed up til 3 a.m. frosting birthday cupcakes I made for him), my blood sugar (I had actually forgotten to eat that morning) or just genuine flattery from the nice gesture, but that really warmed my heart and gave me that burning sensation you get when you feel like you’re about to shed (happy) tears. They in no way needed to do that, but the fact that they took time (and money) to think enough of me to bring me food was sooooo sweet. I was very appreciative of the love.

charlie puth hearts

Shortly after snack time we got started playing board games. Now I like board games and my friends and I have game nights fairly frequently, but The Teacher and his (guy) friends like some SUPER complex board games–games I’ve never even fucking heard of, but in the handful of times I’ve played with them now, I’ve faked tried to be a good sport and at least pretended to really enjoy and understand the game. I didn’t realize I wasn’t alone in this foolery until the girls (the wife and fiancee) asked for my cellphone number so we could group text about how much we hated whatever game we were playing. It was kind of a relief that I wasn’t alone in feeling that way and to my knowledge, the guys never even noticed that we were communicating with one another.

who run the world

During the board game, the Teacher would periodically show affection. He’d gently rub my back or place his arm around me or on my leg, he’d even kiss me here and there, but nothing overly inappropriate, just brief and sweet expressions of affection. I typically don’t like a great deal of PDA, but since we were in a more intimate setting with friends of his that were also in (more serious) relationships, it felt natural. I’d say 3/4 of my “friend group” are single(ish), so doing relationship-y things in their presence would feel strange–at least at first…which is part of my apprehension for intergrating The Teacher into my friend group, but I have some smaller things planned in the coming week with friends of mine that are in relationships.

Anyway, at one point his friend’s fiancee felt the need to stand on a soap box to talk about how “FUCKING CUTE” she thought we were being and how happy she was for us and how apparently when we first started dating he showed them a photo of me and they thought and STILL think I’m beautiful and how much they LOVE me and so on…It was sweet to hear all of the kind words, even though most of these compliments were coming from the most sauced up person at the table. Everyone seemed to agree with her though. Cheers. I felt like I passed some sort of test with that declaration.

scotch

Shortly after her table speech (and adding me as her facebook friend), she asked why he and I were not “facebook official”, to which we both admitted to having the “facebook discussion”, but that both of us were too lazy to ever login to facebook and use it on a regular basis, so it never became a priority to even be facebook friends, let alone publicly display that we’re in a relationship with one another. This honestly hadn’t crossed my mind since talking to my friend’s boyfriend a few weeks back where he also admitted that they weren’t facebook friends either. In time when we both stop being lazy, I’m sure we’ll eventually become facebook friends to never tag each other in photos, statuses or even each other’s walls–is it still called wall?

no idea

We ended up downtown some time later for dinner and while the Teacher was quite sauced, he was more of a goofy, free spirited, I-still-have-my-shit-together, kind of sauced. The kind of intoxication peak that most people hit right before everything goes south (luckily he never went south). He was happy and I could tell he was genuinely enjoying everyone’s company and that made my heart smile. His cute little acts of affection continued throughout the night and I was surprisingly not entirely weirded out by it.

We ended the evening well after 2 a.m. back at his place just enjoying a few low energy moments together before being old and crawling into bed. He continued to express how appreciative he was for everything I had done, as he knew I really made a huge effort for him! It felt great to hear that from him, because I really wanted him to have a good birthday and practically stressed myself out over it, when he’s really a simple person that doesn’t require or ask for much.

For the first time since we’ve been seeing each other, I actually allowed myself to lazily sleep until noon (he normally does this with no problem at all). My anxiousness around him is starting to fade. I feel a level of comfort with him now that I haven’t felt with someone in a really long time and it feels amazing. It feels wonderful to wake up next to this person and knowfeel that they genuinely care about you…

Ugggh, what is all of this sugary sweet babble even???

And to think, I almost let this pass me by because I was being stupid and blind (not that being blind equates stupidity, because it doesn’t).

 

 

“Only IF YOU want to”

I think I’m in that part of the relationship where the two parties involved really like one another and only want to do things to make the other person happy and suggest/invite/plan for things without the other person feeling the pressure of obligation. Good ol’ honeymoon phase we meet again.

The Teacher and I had a lovely date night planned last night. We’ve recently started incorporating more midweek “get togethers”, especially now that my job stopped requiring me to work 80 hrs/week and I can see straight again.

Anyway, on our way to dinner, we discussed plans for a weekend get away at the beginning of next month. We have sort of been casually (and hypothetically) speaking about this for the better part of 2-3 weeks (mostly while one or both of us are sauced out of our minds), but finally made firm and concrete plans as of this past weekend. Since he has a little more time than me right now (school is out for the summer), he’s planning the logistics of the trip (when we’re going, where we’re staying, whose car we’re taking (probably mine since I have 4×4 and we’ll need it in the mountains), what we’re doing when we get there, etc) and only asked me to just confirm with work that I could get the Thursday and Friday off that we’re planning on being out-of-town.

Done and done. Our first trip, should be oodles of fun, hopefully.

Towards the end of the conversation he apologized for requesting to cut our trip short by half a day (coming home Saturday night instead of Sunday afternoon) due being invited to an old friend’s birthday dinner that Sunday.

His mention of this dinner didn’t even phase me. I just assumed he had plans with friends, have fun. I’ve never been the kind of person to tell my S.O. that they can’t go do things with their friends solo. That’s absurd. Plus, two solid days in the mountains is plenty, his apology seemed unnecessary.

“Yeah, my friend such and such is having a birthday dinner that Sunday. You haven’t met him yet actually. You’re more than welcome to come ONLY if you want to.”

Pause.

If I want to. ONLY if I want to.

what me

Obviously I know what that *really* means, but if I’m looking at the statement completely out of context (and without any sort of emotion) it comes across more of choice or an option on my end almost as if he’s saying, “you get to decide if you want to go, but I won’t be phased either way”, which is fine, but doesn’t really communicate the underlying notion of maybe him wanting/needing me to go if for no other reason just to make an appearance? Or suppose it went the other way and he genuinely didn’t care if I went. Why would I want to go somewhere with someone who doesn’t care if I’m there? This is obviously somewhat important to him or he wouldn’t have mentioned it or be cutting vacations (that he initiated) short to go. And suppose I had no interest in going and took his statement to face value he would absolutely be phased AF and probably suppress his anger over it until “snapping” one day over an argument about juice.

juice

Yes, I said juice, even though neither one of us cares for juice.

So ok. I’m being a bit facetious–sorta. I’ve been around him enough at this point to know that these things really do matter to him and he probably would be legitimately offended if I chose not to go and I don’t blame him. That would be fucked up of me unless I had some legitimate reason for not being able to attend. When you’re a couple it’s just sort of assumed that you’ll make attempts to be as selfless and accommodating as possible and sometimes that means really understanding how important something is to your S.O., being there to support them and compromising.

Am I excited about this party? Hard to say to say at this point–but I’m not really focusing on how I feel. It matters more to me at this point to do whatever makes him happy and if that means accompanying him openly/publicly as his girlfriend and rubbing elbows with whatever friend of his I’m meeting this time, bring on the party favors. I’m all for it with a smile on my face. I think I left my response,

“If you genuinely want me to go–like if you’re asking if I’ll go with you, like your ‘plus 1’, I’d be more than happy to go with you…that sounds exciting, I appreciate the offer 🙂 .”

D’aww. But seriously, he’s used the, “only if YOU want to” phrase a little too much lately…he’s even used it during–well, that’s TMI. and it’s slightly starting to become a pet peeve of mine. Of COURSE I want to, we’re in a fucking relationship! If I’m genuinely dead set against doing some activity–like robbing a bank, I would speak up and say that (and I have and with tact). I’ve said this to him a few times (maybe jokingly), but communicating something he needs comes across better if he’s not framing it in a passive aggressive , “it’s up to you” sort of way, though I think that’s just part of his non-confrontational personality in general. Perhaps he doesn’t want to come across needy.

This can definitely be worked through, but I think it also comes with time and comfort level on both sides. I know I created this “monster” from how aloof and emotionally detached I came across a few months into casually dating him. I’ve really been trying to make up for it by overly expressing my feelings or gratitude, but I still feel like I’m not doing enough. The guilt consumes me daily.

 

Settling In…

While life continues to be in a consistent state of chaos daily, I’ve been on vacation (mentally) for the better part of the last week. Blame the odd ball holiday midweek, followed by a day off due to comp time (because I’m salary and don’t get PTO), then the weekend two days later and it’s no wonder why I’m checked out.

Aside from work and other personal/family obligations, I can’t really complain. My relationship (still can’t believe I’m saying that) with the Teacher has continued to go well. I find myself learning something new and exciting about him everyday. I’m really enjoying getting to know him (better) and I’m starting to let my guard down a little more each time we interact. I have a bad habit in the early stages of a relationship of being a bit more protective than I should be of my emotions, but maybe this is from getting hurt in past experiences from wearing my heart on my sleeve. Going through these experiences has caused me to be a bit aloof (emotionally) and at times cold. Usually further along into a relationship I’m fairly committed, attentive and invested, but early on I’m very careful about how much I invest emotionally (in case things don’t pan out). Admittedly, I’m somewhat emotional by nature, so I’ve been trying to be more aware of my actions and feelings over the past year or so to gauge my emotions. I have to say that it helps to be with someone who is not only kind and understanding to this, but is also VERY PATIENT. The Teacher hands down has to be the most patient person I’ve ever been with, because I’m a little crazy and out of sorts, yet he’s supportive and rolls with the punches with a smile and makes me feel like I’m not in a constant state of losing my mind. With each passing day I feel more comfortable with him and with our relationship. It feels stable enough to me now that I’ve started to think ahead to introducing him to friends.

Of course, as I mentioned previously, I’m admittedly somewhat of a private person and I haven’t said much (if anything) about him to friends. I just periodically disappear from group outings like a ninja to be with him. I take that back, I have (within the past two weeks) mentioned him several times to one of my best friends, but not in explicit detail. Anyway, while attending a BBQ/pool party this weekend, I figured it was the perfect opportunity to “plant the seed” so to speak and clue them all in. While he was not physically at the gathering with me, it felt freeing to openly talk about him and express concerns/fears I’ve had about introducing him to friends. Most of this is on me and my own wackiness and need for “control”, but some of it is genuine concern that my friends (at times) can be a little intense and I don’t want him to feel overwhelmed.

overwhelmed.2gif

My friends were extremely supportive of my reasonings for keeping my mentions of him fairly limited over the past few weeks and told me to incorporate him into the group whenever I felt comfortable. Well, all but one of my friends who literally cornered me aggressively to demand to know WHY I like this guy. I’ll attribute the outburst to him being borderline drunk and perhaps being genuinely surprised that I was in a relationship in the first place. I’ve always had a hunch that this particular friend of mine might have a small crush on me and perhaps his extreme reaction confirmed that. I haven’t addressed this with him since the encounter as I believe he may not even remember doing it if I did mention it.

After opening up about The Teacher to several of my friends I left the party early for our date night. We decided to do a movie out followed by general hanging out post movie over his place. In conversation at some point during the night I referred to myself as his “girlfriend” to which he stopped me to point out what I had said with a smile. Apparently I haven’t done this yet and it meant a lot for him to hear that.

tom cruise happy

We planned on me staying the night because he had invited me to brunch the following morning with his group of friends and it made more sense to stay over than run back to my place to come right back over to his 10 hours later. We’ve had many overnighters, so this wasn’t anything abnormal. One thing that’s been kind of funny about these overnighters (which have primarily happen over at his place) is how he’s “reminded me” that I’m “welcome” to “leave things there” if I wanted. I didn’t really take him seriously the first one or two times he told me and replied jokingly that I’d leave a single tampon on his bathroom counter just to be silly, but he’s mentioned the “leaving things there” bit just about every time I’ve been over since, so I finally stuffed a few necessary toilettree sized items (that he obviously doesn’t have in his bathroom already as a guy) into a toilettree sized bag and intentionally left them on his bathroom counter.

Brunch the following day with his friends went well. I’ve met this group of friends (actually two couples – one married, one engaged) previously, so the initial awkwardness of being introduced to them has mostly faded away. Anyway, we went to a dim sum dumpling place where the waiters served everything on rolling carts. It was trendy, yet overwhelming. I’ve always prided the Teacher on being super sophisticated (he drinks brandy out of actual brandy glasses, I drink bourbon and whiskey out of coffee mugs, plastic cups, whatever I can find really), so I was excited to be introduced to the world of dim sum. I admittedly didn’t eat much mostly because I’m embarrassed to eat with chopsticks (and told him this last week) and I was a little drained from staying up so late the night before. Even through all of that, I made it a point to observe him and his friends as we all sat there. He seemed slightly nervous and a little less talkative, but mostly collected. They all seemed genuinely welcoming to my presence and made sure to include me in on conversations and jokes and of course shared many stories of The Teacher…teachering (goofy things that he’s done or said)…I felt kind of bad because he’s been so open in welcoming me into his friend group sort of soonish while I’ve been a bit more protective of mine, but I’m working on it.

Post brunch, we went over to his friend’s place for a board game afternoon and drinks. His other two friend’s wife and fiancée’ ended up dipping soon after, so it ended up just being me and the guys for a bit. We drank bourbon and scotch and played some overly complicated strategy game that lasted at least two hours. I stuck around shortly after the game ended and eventually made up an excuse to go because I wanted him to spend alone time with his guy friends. It’s hard to truly catch up when you have your girlfriend, wife or fiancée’ hanging around and I get and respect that. I sense that it’s rare that the three of them truly get to hangout sans girls in tow, so they obviously needed that. He apparently ended up hanging out with them for several hours and caught up with me (via text) later on that evening shortly before I went to bed. It makes me happy that he had that time with them.I would never want him to feel like I “had” to accompany him any time he wanted to be with his friends (because I don’t), but I’m also (learning to be) happy to accompany him should he want me TO be there.

This week I have the task of semi coordinating birthday plans for his birthday. In briefly speaking to some of his friends yesterday (while he dipped off to the bathroom) they alluded that he’s fairly apathetic about his own birthday (as I’ve also noticed) and even failed to remind them about it the year before (what kind of friends don’t remember your birthday???). That ends this year! I’ve made it known to him that I’m a “birthday person” and we WILL be celebrating his birthday, especially since it’s a milestone (30). I feel like I’ve taken enough mental notes on things he’s either referenced or left around his place to have an idea of what to get him. Hopefully my hunch is right.

This should be fun!

 

Secret Boyfriend

I was having sangria on a good friend’s patio Saturday afternoon and having a bit of a chat with her boyfriend.

sangria

We were just casually talking about the weather and all sorts of current events going on in the world. He’s a cool guy and such a great fit for my friend.  I’m over the moon happy for them. Somehow in the conversation the topic of facebook came up to which he said,

Oh, she and I aren’t even facebook friends. I do have my relationship status as “in a relationship” though.

His statement kind of took me by surprise. I mean, the two of them (at least around all of us) have been fairly public with their relationship, why wouldn’t they be friends on facebook? Is that necessary though? Should they even need to parade their relationship all over social media like that? Especially if he admittedly doesn’t really “do facebook like that”.

He admitted to not really being “active” on facebook and it just not really crossing his mind to even befriend his (now) girlfriend and that he didn’t see it as being a huge deal, which got me to thinking…

jazz music intensifies

I’ve been spending quite a bit of time with The Teacher lately. As I mentioned previously, we’re together now several times a week with overnighters mixed in, but confession time… the one thing no one knows (at least in MY life) is that he’s (now) my boyfriend.

img_4825.jpg

Yep. The “B” word. I haven’t even really typed that, let alone really said that out loud to anyone in my life until now. It just hasn’t been something I’ve elaborated on much with anyone, outside of one my best friends and even he doesn’t know the extend of it all (he just knows we’ve spent quite a bit of time together lately). It’s more so something I’m trying to wrap my head (and heart) around for now. I don’t want to get ahead of myself? I mostly just want to focus on establishing a sturdy foundation and taking it day by day, week by week or whatever. I mean, just a few weeks ago I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to date anyone at all…so I want to make sure that I’m actually holding up my end of the deal and for me that means I need to focus.

For the past few weeks, this relationship has been great and while this may seem kind of fast, we’ve technically been sort of seeing each other (casually) for a few months, I just had some other things sort of holding my attention? I’ve tried to really make huge efforts to focus on spending just uninterrupted, us time together and so far so good. Lately, I’ve made appearances with friends (w/out him for now) and mysteriously vanished without giving my friends much detail as to where I’m even going or what I’m even doing. I don’t think it’s their business and I’m protective of my love life and want to ensure that my relationship is heading in the right direction before integrating the two.

Ideally, I’d like to be a “good girlfriend”, but I also don’t want to be so consumed with a relationship that I lose my identity. I do feel bad though, because I’ve met a handful of his friends (before we were an “item”) and he seems to talk fairly highly about me to them and equally talks about them quite frequently when we’re together (indicating that he’s close to them). Meanwhile, he’s not only not met any of my friends (he knows I have quite a large friend group because I’ve vaguely told him about them–but also not in a lot of detail or even by name(s) ), I’ve said very little if anything to them about him. They know I’m dating (or have been dating), but all of the details become “muddy” from there. I always find myself dodging specific questions and deflecting topics off of my personal life and towards other less personal things. I just don’t want to elaborate on it (yet). I feel like that’s just my (well I guess our) business.

Even though The Teacher is not my usual “type” (or well, maybe he is in a round about way), I’m not “ashamed” of our relationship or even him as a person. I like him. What it really boils down to is that it’s been a few months since I’ve been in a relationship, so I’m trying to “adjust” back into that mindset so to speak, but also attempting to maintain some sense of normalcy and sanity in the process. I don’t want to rush things or “lose” myself in someone out of lust or infatuation. I want to approach it logically and I want it to be meaningful and for these feelings to be real and grow organically. I want to take it seriously and for me that means to really take the time and energy to focus on it. I feel like we’re on the same page and I appreciate him being respectful and patient because I’m coming off of a few months of crazy.

One thing that kind of pushed me closer to the idea of being more “public” about our relationship (at least with my friends) was meeting up with a group of my friends Friday (after work) to check out an art exhibit that’s in town. I haven’t hung out with some of the group that was there in some time and I noticed two of them were coupled up with their new baes (I’d say 2/3 of my main friend group are single). I watched as they did all of the little cute things that new couples do (the hand holding, the PDA, the giggles and inside jokes), it was all very cute and I was happy for all of them. In fact, all around us were dozens of couples walking hand in hand together, enjoying each other’s company. Spending time there made me oddly sentimental.

Anyway, we ended up spending Saturday evening through Sunday afternoon together. We spend much of Sunday sleeping and talking before grabbing a late brunch. Our conversations always so colorful. I enjoy the time we spend together just talking the most. We talked about everything from movies we want to see, to short (day/overnight) trips we plan to take and even his looming 30th birthday which is in two weeks (he seems less than excited about that though).

For right now, I’m enjoying things. I enjoy our time together and I look forward to what’s to come. I’m just taking things day by day and week by week. I can imagine when (or if it gets to that point) I do introduce him to friends/family, their reactions will be, “You have a WHOLE ASS boyfriend and didn’t tell anyone?”

Whole. Ass.

cheese head

And in case I didn’t make the connection clear in this post, he and I are also not facebook friends, much like my other friend and her boyfriend, because I also admittedly suck at regularly using facebook. It wouldn’t bother me if he were, it just wouldn’t change the frequency of time I devote to even logging into the site.

 

Dark Horse.

I woke up around 11 a.m. yesterday in a mild state of confusion before remembering the night before. No, I was not heavily intoxicated, drugged or in any other sense of the word experiencing some out of body experience. I was simply just regaining consciousness after a string of days with minimal sleep.

Good Morning, Sleepyhead” a familiar voice said, while greeting me with a gentle forehead kiss. The voice calmed my somewhat rattled nerves and suddenly I wasn’t entirely concerned about getting such a late start to my day.

Let’s rewind a bit…

I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve been moving in far too many directions these past few weeks, mostly due to work (I’ve been pulling quite a bit of OT), but some due to my personal life too. When we last left off, I had decided to “end things” with BF and I did. I’m not quite sure how I expected that to go, but I found myself feeling surprisingly indifferent about him and the relationship/situation in the past few weeks. When I took a week or two to distance myself from him physically, it really helped me to see clearly and understand that I don’t have time to entertain that type of relationship. When I told him this, he at first seemed a bit annoyed/offended but then gathered himself and was fine. We haven’t really spoken since outside of one conversation where we spoke about how busy our jobs have been, but that’s it. I’m already over it, because I had never fully emotionally gotten INTO it in the first place, so that’s cool.

In the midst of ending things with BF, work had gotten ten times busier and so had my social life. I had found myself unintentionally being a bit “absent” in some regards, so I decided to make more of an effort to go out with friends, which involved some game nights, some bar hopping, dinners, trivia nights, a movie or two, an overnight trip and a 3 a.m. dip in a pool (don’t ask about this one because it resulted in me puking my brains out the following morning and driving home in someone’s boxers).

throw up

In addition to not sleeping and swimming in swimming pools after midnight in my underwear, I’ve also unexpectedly sparked a bit of a connection with…The TeacherI’ve known him for about the same amount of time that I’ve known BF, but our interactions (until lately) haven’t been as frequent (or physical for that matter). We’ve gotten to know each other a little slower (mostly my fault), but he’s still consistently “been there” this entire time. My plan (when I ended things with BF) was to also not entertain seeing The Teacher (or anyone) for that matter. A dating detox—so to speak…but The teacher (lately) has really made a huge effort to make it known that he very actively wants to date me and in spending a little bit more time with him over the past few weeks, he’s really impressed me actually and I’ve warmed up to the idea. It’s been a lot of fun.

Our dates have been consistent, well-thought-out/planned and interesting. He’s a gentleman. He’s always on time. He always dresses nicely for said dates. He never leaves me in the dark about how he feels or where he’d like “us” to go. He’s (mostly) transparent in his emotions and an all-around kindhearted person. He’s funny, charming, intelligent, affectionate and very nurturing and I hate that I wasn’t fully aware of this until more recently. I guess in my mind I’ve always felt like he wasn’t my “type” or well, what I think is my type, which has obviously not worked out so well, haha.

Over the course of the past week, we’ve seen each other three times, with one of those times being an overnighter (though not our first “overnighter”-this might have been our third). All of the times that we’ve seen each other have been legitimate well thought out dates. He’s always been very thoughtful in everything that we do together (and will also ask for my input while planning), which I appreciate.

The other night (Saturday) after working a very long 12 hour day (after already coming off of a 60 hr work week), we met up for dinner, drinks and a movie (we saw the Jurassic World sequel). Perhaps it was the drinks, heat, exhaustion or a combination of all three, but I ended up falling asleep on him for a smooth fifteen minutes, which I had sort of warned him might happen since I was so exhausted and he completely understood.

Post movie I got a second wind and took him up on the offer to head back to his place for some wine. The teacher is also sophisticated and can intelligently talk about things like wine, bourbon and beer (unlike some people)…he can just about talk about anything, really. We spent hours in his living room, cuddled up, drinking wine and just talking about life in general. I felt comfortable and I felt like he genuinely cared to spend time with me, even if we were just talking. At one point I apparently felt so comfortable (I actually wasn’t drunk, just tired) that I found myself laying in his lap and looking up at him as we carried on our chit chat. We talked until about 5 a.m. before he offered up staying the night (if I wanted, which I did).

I’m not going to lie, while there was some making out involved, we didn’t (and haven’t) slept together and I think that’s ok and he seems ok with that too, though he  has alluded to being open to that, should that happen (if/when the time is “right”). Awesome.

It took us hours to get out of bed later on that morning partially due to exhaustion and well…other stuff 😉 , but after getting up and getting dressed, he treated me to lunch and commented on how we had just spent close to 24 hours together. I haven’t spent such a long period of time with anyone (and not legitimately felt annoyed) since maybe my last legitimate relationship—which on another unrelated note, he ran into me at a stop sign the other day…like actually ran into me…more on this in another post…

So yeah, that’s been my life. Crazy ride of a life. I have no idea where any of this is going, but I really like The Teacher. He’s really grown on me and impressed me, especially lately. I enjoy our talks most of all and I think I’m starting to get used to how affectionate he can be (though his level of affection reminds me of my ex, who ironically enough is also a Cancer). I hate that I haven’t fully picked up on this until about three weeks ago…I’m a sadly misguided and terrible person…

Ready, Set, Reset.

My mind has been racing lately. Simply glossing over some of the posts I’ve written over the past month alone lends itself to showing how unsettled I’ve become as a person. Part of this I blame on simply being overwhelmed with how busy I am professionally (that I don’t reserve any additional energy into processing things in my personal life) and the other part I blame (though I *really* hate to) on anxiety.

While I never forget that anxiety is something I struggle deal with on a daily basis, it’s often something I neglect to show myself compassion over. I’m always kicking myself for not “growing a pair” and effortlessly maneuvering through life like everyone else seems to. Everything in life (in my mind) should be easier than this. I shouldn’t feel bothered by this. I shouldn’t feel exhausted for simply moving from day to day, week to week, month to month…I should be happy, appreciative, energized, inspired, etc…

But fun fact: I don’t.

Flashback to last Saturday night. I was out with a group of friends of mine that I’ve spent a fairly consistent amount of time with over the past year. I feel comfortable with this group of friends in a way that I don’t with other people in my life. I’m usually fully relaxed around them. After pre-gaming and roller skating (yes–we went drunken roller skating), we decided to end the evening in a local bar belting out 80s pop classics. What fun, right? What better way to spend a summer night? Easy breezy. While I found myself full of life and excitement early into the evening, towards the end of the evening (while at the bar) I felt this hefty weight of sadness consume me. It felt heavy and saturated like a wet wool blanket. My mind and heart started to race about all of the what ifs in my life and it was all I could do but to fake a smile in hopes that no one (in my friend circle or at the bar in general) would notice this mini internal crisis I was silently going suffering through. Maybe it was a combination of the one or two drinks I had and exhaustion…or perhaps I was having a mini anxiety attack, looking back on that night…I think this all came from realizing that I’m not happy with many aspects of my life right now and that I want better for myself.

The following day, I met up with two other friends of mine (separate from the friend group above) for a day trip to the beach, which was much needed. Something about sitting on the beach and listening to the waves crash is truly relaxing.

Beach - June 3rd

 

I remember doing this back around the holidays when I needed to clear my mind. I felt slightly more at ease Sunday, but still more on edge than usual, even with the waves. While with that pair of friends on Sunday, the theme of our day trip seemed to be Betterment. We all disclosed things we wanted to work on. Finances. Career Paths. Organization. Health. Relationships. Love. Patience. Acceptance. Hobbies.

I clearly need to work on all of those things and my mind started spinning as I made lists and goals as to just how I was going to manage doing all of those things better, but realistically, approaching self-improvement in that way is detrimental and in no way helping my anxiety.

I decided to narrow the broad range of things to “fix” in my life from the lengthy list that we collectively came up with down to two. Accomplishing bettering myself in those areas (or at least be well on my way) before diving into the other areas is reasonable. The two that I decided to address first were:

  • Relationships
  • Health

I selected those two areas first because there are short-term goals/issues that I’d like to accomplish/resolve that will move me into more long-term goals down the road.

As I mentioned previously, I’ve come to the conclusion that while things may naturally be fizzling out with BF anyway, I need to formally end it so that I can devote my energy into other aspects of my life. Without getting into all of the details, I’m not getting what I’d like to get out of our interactions and it’s become more of a hassle than an enjoyment to date him at this point. I act ridiculously reckless around him at times to an extent that I don’t even recognize who I am as a person. I like him as a person and find him to be a lovely (at times deeply troubled) guy, but I just can’t devote energy into this any longer. I’m depleted. Breaking up with someone (regardless of how formal or informal) just plain sucks. It’s awkward and you just feel like an asshole, even if it’s painfully obvious that it needs to happen. For what it’s worth, I think the situation served it’s purpose for the two of us for the time period that it needed to. It was (mostly) fun. Post “breakup”, I plan to start a dating detox. More on this later…

Health wise, I’ve kicked off this week by starting the keto diet. I’ve been stress eating (and drinking) for the past few weeks and needed to hit the reset button in order to make better choices. So far, so good. It’s been fairly manageable, especially since I’ve limited my social engagements to truly commit to sticking to the plan. I already feel like a boost in my energy levels and have noticed more restful sleep five days in. I plan to do this for at least another week or so before incorporating a regular exercise routine back into my day…days?

So that’s all that I’ve got for now. All of the other things I’d love to work on are on the back burner for now until I work through the first two areas or my anxiety levels itself off. Whichever comes first.

Baby steps.

Bittersweet(ness)

I’ve admittedly been fairly distracted and occupied over the past month or so with work, friends and family obligations. I’ve found that this has started to make dating a tad more difficult as I just don’t have the same amount of free time as I did back over the winter/early spring. Not to mention, my desires and priorities have shifted over the last few months. Nevertheless, I haven’t quite kicked BF into oblivion just yet. I don’t believe me being busy is reason enough to be rude, dismissive or unresponsive to him, because aside from being a shit texter, he hasn’t really done anything wrong. He’s a nice guy. We’re just becoming more and more out of sync and emotionally disconnected.

Through talking, we decided to set aside time for a date for late last week. Work/life has been chaotically busy in both of our worlds (pulling longer hours, training co-workers, working on projects, road trips, etc), so I offered to invite him over for dinner. I’m not a fan of making dinner (and I really didn’t have time to) , but I figured it was a nice gesture and would give us a chance to catch up with minimal distractions. Plus, he pays for everything all the time and I wanted to do him the honor of not having to pay for anything. I wanted to do something nice for him. It makes me feel uncomfortable that he literally pays for everything we do and some of the things we’ve done have not been cheap.

He came over straight after work (around 8–he ended up getting off late) looking really run down and exhausted, but immediately embraced me once he stepped inside. I shamelessly love how I have to stand on my tiptoes each time we kiss, because he’s so tall (I’m 5’6 and some change, so I’m not necessarily short either).

We talked about our days (and well, weeks) as I wrapped up the finishing touches on dinner in my kitchen. I decided to make BBQ sliders as an ode to his southern heritage, since he’s lived here all his life. He seemed to be excited and told me about the “Three types of NC BBQ” there were. Did you know there were three? Because I certainly didn’t…

He graciously allowed me to make my plate of food first (even though as the cook, I’ve always believed that your GUESTS should eat first), asked me to sit down and told me he’d bring me a drink because he knew I had, had a long day and wanted me to relax. This makes the second time he’s borderline hosted me in my own home…

I halfway expected him to speed eat through dinner, initiate sex and abruptly call it a night and check off an obligation (just to say he stopped by), but he actually took his time, engaged in conversation and really spent genuine quality time with me. Of course, between our steady conversations, he made himself a second and third plate of food, but he’s like 6’3, fairly muscular and had actually been overseeing a major renovation project all day, so he was understandably starving.

After we finished eating, he gently cuddled me close and we continued to mindlessly watch tv for at least another two hours. His ability to shed a humorous light on the most mundane and at times ridiculous things is one of my favorite things about him, but is equally concerning, because it’s the only mood he’s ever in…if you were to ask me what motivates him in life or what makes him upset, I could probably make an educated guess (based on conversations we’ve had or the few preferences he has made known) but I wouldn’t be confident that those things are what really makes him tick as a person. Perhaps he’s not even aware of what makes him tick?

BF has the ability to make me laugh, even when I’m so tired or irritable that I want to curl up in a ball and cry. His sense of humor melts away my nervous energy and anxiety. He won major brownie points on our first date by basically turning our walk through the history museum into a comedy special. He was so funny and I really enjoyed myself in his presence. It was easy to shake the first date jitters. I just kind of wish my enthusiasm for getting to know him hadn’t stalled over the last few months, but I think part of that is coming from my assumption that his approach should be cookie cutter.

As we continued to talk, he alluded to realizing he’s been a bit more slower in his responses and that he had been burning the candle at both ends in regards to work because (like me), it’s a busy time of year at work and he (at times) really just wants to shut his phone off so his job will stop calling/texting him after hours. I guess I understand that and I do appreciate that he’s remained in touch (even if there are days where we may exchange one or two messages–which yes, some of that has been on me as well) and has still made time for us to get together. While to me, I may at times find his efforts “lacking”, I sincerely do believe he’s at least sort of attempting to still try…well, most days, but I can tell our communication has at times become obligatory and strained.

He stayed until a quarter til’ midnight before announcing his departure (and needing to get home to feed his dog). When I invited him over for dinner, I halfway expected him to agree to it only because of the benefit of physical intimacy, but to my surprise, he seemed more interested in talking and simply spending time together, which was awesome.

Even with a lovely dinner in, I still know in my gut this whirlwind of a ride is coming to an end. This realization at first caused be a bit of anxiety, but I’ve had some time to settle into reality and realize that while we have a lot of fun together, the casualness of our relationship can’t sustain itself for too much longer and we aren’t necessarily compatible for anything serious/long term. I don’t find myself interested him romantically or at least as romantically as I feel like I should at this point. I like him for really shallow reasons. I’ve come to the realization that I need a bit more stability in my life and perhaps he does too or maybe he prefers to keep everyone at an emotional distance as to not develop an intimate connection and that’s ok, but not something I want to entertain forever and always. Being with someone that doesn’t show vulnerability is difficult. Being physically intimate with someone for 4 or 5 months without even knowing anything deeply personal about them really bothers me.  When I met him, I was hellbent on not getting attached and it was easy for a month or two because I was “broken”. I was essentially, here for a good time, not a long time!, but I’ve healed, grown up and shifted my needs. I need someone that is not afraid of being all spectrum of who they really are, good, bad and otherwise.

We haven’t really spoken now in about a day or so and while that’s not entirely unusual (as of late), I know that’s probably it. Our interaction has run its course. We really don’t have a great deal else to say to one another and we’re both ridiculously busy with work right now (and me, also with my personal life/crises). Part of me feels the need for neat and organized “closure” (because I’m not a fan of dropping communication with someone who I’ve been seeing for 4 or 5 months just like that), but I don’t know if his sentiments are the same in regards to me. Perhaps I could just easily be disregarded? Maybe…

I like to believe that he’s genuinely a better person than that.

I have to decide how I want to proceed and handle this. The kicker is that I’m not even overly upset about it.

I think part of this need for an ending came from an “let’s better our lives” heart to heart I had with some friends this past weekend, but more on that in a separate post…

Here Comes Goodbye…

I took a miniature family vacation this past weekend. Obviously as an adult I don’t vacation with my family too often, but every so often we’ll link together for a short weekend getaway. This weekend’s venture was to an amusement park, which just so happened to be in the same city blast from the past lives in. I’ve admittedly been a bit “distant”  both physically and emotionally in our friendship over the past few months (part of this was due to dealing with heartache), but I figured I’d use the quick weekend trip as a way for us to link over dinner or drinks.

We made plans for dinner Saturday night. The hotel my family and I were staying in was about four blocks from his condo in downtown, so he promised to swing by to pick me up. I opted not to stay with him this trip due the obligations of “family time”. I figured we could always do the hanging out thing another weekend when I visited the city solo, right?

His camaro pulled up about 7 p.m. in front of the hotel, I hoped in (freshly showered and all dolled up) and we were off to dinner. We small talked (as we usually do) on the journey over…about gas prices, the weather, our jobs, etc. Typical chit chat. We arrived at dinner on the other side of the city around 7:30–a classy-ish sports bar decorated with photos of the historic sites of the city. We’d been to this spot a couple of times together, but this time just felt different and I couldn’t put my finger on why.

We immediately dived into conversation shortly after sitting down. He seemed to be a semi chatty mood, which isn’t always the case when we’re together. He updated me on his family: his sister’s pregnancy, his cousin’s (who also lives in town) engagement, his dad’s numerous cross country trips now that he’s retired, etc. All seemed well with them (mostly). Throughout the conversation he kept bringing up Denver and how in visiting his father (who splits his time between Denver/Aspen and Miami), he’s grown to love skiing. Cool story, bro. He must have rambled on about this for nearly fifteen minutes before asking had I ever been to Denver and had I ever been skiing?

We laughed as I painted a picture of me stumbling down a mountain and breaking every bone in my body.

Falling down a mountain.gif

 

Highly amused, he smiled and said:

You should come to Denver sometime.

His words seemed a bit off putting. I wasn’t sure if he meant visiting in general or going there with him when he visits his father. Once upon a time ago when we dated, he constantly brought up bringing me home to meet his family, but of course over the course a year, those plans never quite came together (I did end up meeting his mother when she came to town to visit on his birthday weekend, though). Why would they now as friends? I learned to stop taking guys seriously when they say shit like that.

I don’t know anyone in Denver…but I guess I could visit at some point. Let me know when you go there next and maybe we can coordinate.

I figured that was the end of the Denver conversation, but he kept going on about it. He talked about the economy, the sales tax (or lack thereof?), the weather, the public transportation, the frequency and cost of flights from here to there. He wouldn’t get off of it.

You’re probably wondering why I keep bringing up Denver, huh?

A bit sauced, I chuckled and told him that no, I really WASN’T wondering why he kept bringing up Denver. Like with everything else, I just assumed he was just rambling…but that’s when shit got real serious.

That’s because I’m moving there.

Surprisingly my first reaction was genuine happiness for him.

That’s great, I’m so happy for you! That’s so exciting 🙂

And truth be told, I was happy for him. This was huge for his career! He went on to explain how he had put his condo up for sale, how he was flying out the following weekend to look for houses, how he had already decided what moving company he was going to use and even how he was transporting his precious camaro instead of driving it the 18 hours cross country. His words kind of trailed off as I started to slowly process everything he was saying. I watched his lips move as I tuned him out. I asked how long he knew and he told me the news was relatively new. About two weeks. He explained how he felt that he “owed it to me” to break the news in person, instead of over the phone. Funny thing is, we’ve been in semi frequent communication over the past few weeks…

I start my new job July 1st. You should visit.

I mentally checked out shortly after the news broke. It was all fairly bittersweet. While happy for him, it dawned on me that he was moving. Across the fucking country. This would drastically change the dynamic of our already strained friendship for sure. Granted, we had already been through this song and dance one other time before. Shortly after we broke up–maybe not even a full month, he accepted a job in the city he lives in now (about 2.5 hrs west of here). At the time, I wanted him gone out of anger. Whatever. Good riddance. I didn’t want to run into him and see his face, He cheated and the last thing I wanted to do was be associated with him. I wanted him out of my life for good and what better way to get closure than for him to move away.

We didn’t talk much between our breakup, his new job announcement and actual move. Those weeks leading up to him leaving were all kind of a blur as I was processing the demise of our relationship and attempting to move on. I did do him the favor of helping him pick up his uhaul for the move, but I left my good deeds at that. He moved, I wrote him out of my life and for the better part of 4-5 months he was the one attempting to initiate any sort of contact or friendship. I made very little effort with him. I eventually let go of my anger and slowly (at a safe distance) decided to welcome him in as a friend again. But only as a friend and on my terms. His relationship with the girl he cheated on me with fizzled out not even 2 months after he moved (which is not surprising since it was long distance). He hasn’t dated or been in a relationship since (at least nothing serious). Fastforward five years, a move, several dates/situationships/boyfriends later and we’ve managed to remain friends and through all of that, he’s now moving across the fucking country.

Our ride back to downtown was quiet. I was still brewing on his move and how those last few moments of silence would probably be the last time we saw one another for a while. Sure, I could visit or he could visit, but plane tickets are not cheap. I don’t have $300 just sitting around waiting to be spent. We already barely see one another 4 times a year and we live about 300 hundred miles away in the same damn state. What would cross country look like? Am I ready to accept that, that could be the end of it?

As he pulled up to my hotel I stressed to him the importance of keeping in touch and being fucking responsive. He’s admittedly really shitty at that (probably THE WORST at it), which makes maintaining any sort of normal friendship with him difficult at times, especially long distance. The crazy thing is, he genuinely (in person) seems to want me in his life. Anyway, he promised he would keep in touch, but I’ll believe it when I see it. I’m not counting on it and I refuse to be the only one making an effort.

He gave me a long hug goodbye and that was that. That was it. As he drove off, I became a bit angry as I realized I was robbed out of a proper goodbye. He essentially knew he was moving and failed to tell me this prior to this weekend. I was blindsided. Had I known he was moving, I would have made more of an effort to rearrange my weekend to spend more time with him.

good bye

Instead, we spent our last moments in a sports bar, downing warm beers and making empty promises. What a crock of shit.

This situation (for me) has been emotionally complex. While I no longer feel romantic feelings towards him, we’ve become good friends and I’ve grown used to him being around. It’s taken many years to get to the point where we’ve even been able to be good friends (he’s actually at times referred to me as his “best friend”).  I’ve taken it for granted that I could just shoot down the road three hours for the weekend for a temporary “get away” if I needed it and now even that’ll be gone. In the grand scheme of things whether he’s a 3 hour car ride or a 4 hour plane ride away, he’s still away and has been so for almost five years.

I really hate goodbyes, especially rushed ones. I’m going to have to accept the possibility that we’ll probably lose touch eventually. Life (as it always has a way of doing) will get in the way and soon we’ll shoot each other annual “happy birthday” texts and that’ll be it.