Friends, Dates, ???, FWBs, Exes.

I was slammed (socially) this past weekend and I’m still paying for it. I did dinner, trivia and bar hopping Friday with some friends, brunch with my parents, date with the teacher, game night with friends, brewery lounge on Saturday and Sunday I took a day trip to the beach with some friends to check out a street festival.

You’re probably wondering, “why do you do this stupid shit?” and my response would be, “because you only live once and I’m a dumb ass.”

After having quite a stressful week at work, I really wanted to focus on fun with friends, where I felt I could be completely relaxed and at ease. My plan was not to go on any dates, but the teacher seemed fairly persistent, so I finally took him up on the offer. We met at this public garden where we walked around for about an hour before my allergies started to go crazy and we dipped into a brewery right down the road (actually the one we met at on our first date). I really appreciated his planning. He knew I had, had a hellish week and wanted to take me places that would ease my mind. We even did dinner after downing a few beers (and I was good and lit).

The teacher has kind of been a dark horse in all of this. He’s a very kindhearted guy, makes his intentions fairly clear and has no problem showering me with compliments and support, all while giving me “space”. I think he “really” likes me and while I enjoy hanging out with him, I’m not sure if I feel those same romantic feelings towards him and I’m not sure how to handle that. Hes fun to talk to (I guess), but I’m having a hard time forcing myself to dive into the pool of infatuation and I’m not even sure if the urge is going to come. Part of me knows I’m not going to have those feelings (for him) no matter how hard I try, but the other part of me wants to know why that even is…? Am I just not attracted to him? He’s not bad looking necessarily…Maybe he’s not “bad boy” enough.

Anyway, after date time with The Teacher, I met up with friends for game night and brewery lounging before calling it an early night around midnight so I could get up to drive to a friend’s house for our day trip Sunday.

My friend that I was meeting up with recently bought a house about thirty minutes outside of town (in the country). This is the friend that I reference in the flake post. Anyway, since it had been so long since she, my other friend and I had hung out, we decided to take a day trip to the beach (from her place).

We had an interesting conversation on dating, relationships and love in our two hour car ride. We all kind of opened up about past situations and how/what we learned from them. We talked about how difficult it was to date in your 30s and how all of us thought online dating in particular was extremely draining. Over the last few months, I really haven’t opened up much about my “love life” in that way. I mean, I’ve vaguely mentioned that I’ve been regularly seeing someone (because another group of friends want to know why I’m missing events here and there), but I haven’t elaborated on how that situation or any past situations have made me feel. I haven’t talked about my fears or insecurities in dating. Or how sometimes I get tired of having to decode things. For some reason with these two friends, I felt compelled to really open up to them about everything going on. I told them about Babyface and how I was sort of at a crossroads with him because my feelings towards him lately have turned into more of a physical convenience than anything else (he’s adorable, funny and nice, but very little of that phases me these days). I told them about my ex and how damaged I felt right after our breakup and how I had been taking precautions in dating to never end up in that situation again. I even told them about other misc relationships, like with blast from the past and how the current state of our friendship is at times strained due to him cheating on me so many years ago and never directly apologizing about it. Overall, the trip really put a lot of things in perspective for me. We even had a conversation about what dating was to each of us and my one friend decided that he probably wasn’t “doing dating correctly”, because dating should involve effort form BOTH parties, it shouldn’t necessarily be one person pulling all of the weight.

We ended up having a fun day at the beach and on the way back, my friends suggested that I refuse to make any plans with Babyface because they thought he was being extremely lazy in never (fully) planning any of our dates  minus our very first one and half of our last one (though one of them said he might just be “shy” and afraid I might not like all of his suggestions–he is not “shy”). Earlier that weekend, Babyface had mentioned getting together the following weekend (this upcoming weekend), but as usual, never provided any details or thoughts as to what he wanted to do or what day/time he wanted to do said things. Per the suggestion of my friends, I sent him a text message Monday night in response basically saying:

This weekend is fine. I’m going to step back and let you figure it out though. You just tell me the when and the where.

*crickets*

As I took breaks to type up this blog post, he responded, but not really to my statement. He sent more of a “good morning, how are you doing, how was your trip,” text. Can I say that is another form of text messaging etiquette that bothers me? Like, he blatantly ignored what I said. I know he has to have somewhat of a reading comprehension to have made it through college…

Maybe I’m just annoyed with Babyface because I’m PMSing and  craving some back breaking action from him specifically–ha, sort of just kidding…but seriously, I’m tired and I don’t want to plan anything. I think I deserve a break on that. We could do pizza on his/mine couch for all I care…just plan it.

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It’s a Situation.

Well hey there. It’s been quite a busy week and time has really gotten away from me. Work has been chaotic and being maybe 1 of 3 people in the office that’s been there longer than a year, management has been relying on me heavily to essentially “hold the fort down”, “boost morale”, “hike mt. Everest all while balancing a glass jar on my head”. I’m beat down already and this is only week one of several chaotic weeks ahead leading into our “busy season”. My sleep has already been severely effected, but hey, there’s always coffee, right?

I don’t think I even like coffee, I just drink it because I’m an “adult“.

Maybe it’s the additional stress at work or my fragmented sleeping patterns, but I’ve been thinking a lot (assessing) things with Babyface. As I wrote previously, we have a pretty decent thing going. We get together weekly (usually based on my schedule–because he’ll just suggest “whatever day” works best for me), we go on semi entertaining dates, we laugh/goof around, there’s an appropriate amount of affection and then there’s mind-blowing, back-breaking, can’t-walk-straight-the-next-morning-or-two sex. Ah, yes…but I’m really quick to shut anyone down who gets this situation twisted with assumptions of a relationship. He is not my “man”. He’s a guy I’m “seeing”.

Seems like a pretty sweet deal, right?

Seems like it or so I thought (or at least convinced myself of that). Truth of the matter is, it’s all starting to become a little bit routine. I guess routine isn’t bad, but is this being set up to “go somewhere” or just “coast” in the valley of convenience? Does it matter? Could i take him seriously enough to see him as more ? Part of me feels like he’s been deeply hurt (repeatedly) as well and is probably also extremely hesitant to commit to anything outside of going to work everyday. Understandable. Pulling something like this off isn’t usually my style, but hell, apparently neither is being in a relationship with someone who understands how to communicate their needs when it matters the most (this wasn’t necessarily a jab at Babyface).

Tangent. Sorry.

I’m having fun with Babyface and at times that’s all that I want, but other times, I do miss being in a relationship. I’ve moved beyond missing my ex (most recent or any of them for that matter). I can see clearly and see that things ended for a reason in all of those situations. I just miss the comfort and security of it all, I don’t know. Sometimes it’s nice to “come home to” or “go out with” someone who sees you as their whole world. It’s like I don’t need someone, but it would be nice to have someone in my life like that (again).

Part of me doesn’t legitimately feel like lightning strikes twice…or well, couple two, three, four or five times…like maybe I had the experience and that’s it. I can die knowing what love feels like. How does the saying go, “better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all” Check.

Ha. That’s so pessimistic and I’m not even torn up about it 🤷🏾‍♀️. It’s just hard to see clearly about love at this point. The future looks a bit hazy and bleak. Love is wonderful, but also scary. I’m not sure if I’m really deserving of love right now, because I’m choosing not to really take a lot of things incredibly seriously. I’m also an asshole (almost entirely in my head) and i get weirded out if someone wants to spend every waking moment with me every single day. I’m not a therapist, but I’ve been to therapy enough to know that I’m deflecting how I truly feel if for no other reason to trick myself into thinking i don’t care.

I care…

I want to find that happiness again, I do. And with time, I (am going to think optimistically) will. Maybe and if I don’t, I know what it feels like. In the meantime, I’ve learned a lot about myself over these past few months and just how strong and resilient I truly am. I didn’t know I had it in me, tbh…but I’m here and standing tall.

Babyface and I have a date this evening. He’s taking me to play laser tag/arcade games because I’ve had a stressful week and he thinks that might help me relax. That’s thoughtful. I’m sure he’s sick of me bitching about the chaos of my job though…🙃 being that we’re not in a relationship, he’s technically not even obligated to care.

 

“We Don’t Talk Anymore”

I’m just getting back in from a surprisingly wonderful weekend that I spent with an old ex (not the most recent one). Long story very short, we’ve been “friends” since we stopped being romantically involved several years ago…but not without some strange gray areas, false starts and backslides here and there. We’ve managed to remain as good of friends as much as humanly possible given the circumstances of our untimely demise, (though it took us a good six months to a year to even BEGIN to reestablish a friendship in the aftermath). That side tangent is for another day and time though. Just know it involved some lowkey infidelity and broken trust (and not on my end either).

For the past year and some change we’ve been “strictly platonic”, but mostly out of touch as I found myself in a relationship (then heartache) and he’s been occupied by work travel and whatever else. We saw each other very briefly (for lunch) a few weeks before Christmas (while he was passing through town for a few hours), in the midst of me going through a breakup (so I was mentally and emotionally checked out), but we’ve otherwise not been in touch until my birthday a few weeks ago, where he’s repeatedly invited me down to his place for a weekend for about three weeks straight (I’ve declined each time minus the last time he asked).

we don't talk anymore

I finally took him up on the offer this past weekend. I hadn’t been out of town in a while, so what better excuse than to visit him to make travel moves? Fun fact here, I haven’t been to his city since October of last year when I visited with my ex, without informing him that I was in town or even in a relationship.

whoops

When I arrived Friday night, I was taken back by how much he had changed. I knew he had been eating a little healthier for the past few months, but he looked like a completely different person. He was toned…he looked healthy…he looked happy…he looked REALLY good. He almost resembled what he looked like when first started dating in our mid-20s. He was so adorable back then. I was really caught off guard, but in a good way. Not only had he physically changed, he wasted no time showing off his new ride. He’s always been a muscle car guy though and has shamelessly been PART of the reason we started dating in the first place (because I talked “car talk” with him for hours and he found that to be “impressive”). He even taught me how to drive stick. He previously had a mustang before swapping it out for the Camaro. He definitely knows how to give me lady boners with his choice in cars. The SS is a fucking beast though. Black on black, V-8, 405 horsepower, 20 inch rims, GPS, Sunroof, Spoiler, Backup camera, Wifi, Leather seats, dual climate control, push button start, real time traffic alerts, just to name a FEW features.

Anyway, the entire weekend he seemed different, maybe more present in the moment?Unlike visits in the past, he mostly stayed away from dicking around on his phone and gave me his undivided attention. He even treated for dinner and drinks every place that we went, fixed my laptop (he also works in IT like my most recent ex–apparently I have a “type”) and gave/bought me a new laptop bag because mine was “subpar”. I got the vibe from him that he actually wanted me there and I have to say that it felt nice. It also felt nice to be pampered. One thing that he kept doing that was sort of weird was how he kept gazing at me with this half mooned goofy smile. Sometimes he would do this for several minutes as if he was daydreaming while listening to me talk, watching me eat/drink or just glancing over at me while stopping at traffic lights and walking around. I know that “look” all too well and it’s something I haven’t seen in a good little while. Oh boy…

charlie puth hearts

When I loaded my truck to leave Sunday after brunch, he gave me this long speech about how good it was to have me around, how much fun he had and how he was hoping there wouldn’t be such a long gap between our visits the next time we get together…because “we don’t [seem to] talk anymore”. He also emphasized all of those “feels” via text while I was driving home.

He doesn’t really “text” like that….so that also caught me off guard.

The entire way back I kept thinking about the weekend and how I was absolutely under no circumstances going to go BACK down the dark and desolate road of playing, “TAG, I have a crush on you” with him as we’ve done back and forth (and at times at the same time) over the past few years. It actually took getting in my last relationship to kill off any “lingering” romantic feelings I had left for him and I’ll be damned if any of those are about to resurface over ONE weekend. While on paper we’re a great match, IRL we’re not good for each other in that way. Not to mention, we’ve both changed significantly since then. I’m not even the same person I was when I met him, especially not now. Being romantically him for a year really triggered my anxiety and depression so bad that I had to seek therapy for the first time in my adult life and I’m just getting to a point where I feel better about managing it.

To make the events of the past weekend even more awkward, my mom actually seemed ecstatic that we reconnected and told me she “missed” him visiting because he’d always help with fixing things around the house because he likes to tinker. Um, no ma’am.

No charlie

In other news, I have a pretty crazy week at work, with an equally busy (but fun) weekend ahead, including date plans with Babyface, helping a friend move, a game night and some crazy antics out on the town with friends. I better rest up while I can.

Also, since I stole the title of this blog post from the Charlie Puth song, “we don’t talk anymore”, I might as well link a performance of the song. I think it’s fitting for the contents of this post:

 

Blurry Line Pact

I need a break from pounding out code, so I figured I’d dabble a bit in updating this blog (I’ve been technically writing this for four days, but life is interrupting me talking about life).

I’ve been deep in my own head a lot, somewhat due to some elevated stress levels at work (looming deadlines) and somewhat having to do with my mind shifting from day to day on what I’m after and perhaps what I need and why what I need isn’t quite matching up with my wants.

I’m in this odd period of my life where I feel like there should be “movement”. Whether that’s buying a house, getting a brand new car, having a child, getting married, changing careers, I don’t know…I’ve been feeling pretty stagnant and antsy lately and I can’t put my finger on just why. Am I comparing myself to  my peers? Did just having a birthday remind me how old have to do with it? I don’t know. Whenever I dive into the abyss of what should be, I often find myself isolating and taking a social media hiatus to swim solo in hopes of not drowning in concerning myself with everything I’m not currently doing and trying to shift my mind onto what I am doing and what I have accomplished. This is when anxiety gets the best of me, because it ends up sending me into this tissy and I find myself extremely moody and indecisive externally while I sort things out in my head. I would be lying if I didn’t say I haven’t put a lot of thought into what makes me truly happy and what “path” to take to get towards being my happiest. I’m sure I’ll figure that out eventually…?

In other news, I’m still continuing to date Babyface. We had a cute little date Saturday night for dinner and a comedy show. I can’t put my finger on it, but when I’m in Babyface’s presence I feel very lightweight and carefree. I tend to forget about my stress. He reminds me of a time in my life where I had the whole world in front of me and I felt like I could conquer anything I wanted because I didn’t have random shit weighing me down (like anxiety, money, etc). He reminds me what it’s like to relax and focus more on my youthful, goofy side (he’s 2 years and 3 days younger than me, so we’re essentially around the same age–he just looks 22). Lately, I’ve been stuck in businesswoman mode (due to work–bitch bun and all), which has perpetually attributed to some super sour moods.

Oh, fun fact…I saw the teacher at this comedy show (who I’ve been out with a time or time infrequently over the past month or so).  I sort of had an idea that he was going to be there because I happened to mention it during text convo that I had plans to go to an improv show Saturday night and he asked me which one (which I never replied to on purpose). He was two rows in front of us, but I don’t think he saw me (since we were behind him, but who knows, I was mildy inebriated). While I have nothing to hide (in terms of being on a date because I’m not “exclusive” with anyone and I was minding my grown ass business and doing what I said I had planned to do), I still didn’t want to feel obligated to speak to him. I mostly wanted to focus on having a good time with Babyface and relaxing.

We managed to escape the comedy show without any awkwardness or forced social interaction (although, I did run into a good friend while in line for the bathroom) and made it back to my place safe and sound. By this point, it was snowing fairly heavily (which for this area is a little odd this late in March), so we opted to cuddle on the couch, have a few drinks and catch some netflix shows. We’ve closed the majority of our dates in this way and it’s just become somewhat assumed that all roads lead “cuddlesville”.

Which pause. Tangent here…if this were the ONLY activity we were doing, this wouldn’t fly, but since we do are actually having legitimate dates, it works well in that context.

I’ll admit, even though I’ve become quite the ice queen in these past few months, I do genuinely enjoy cuddling with Babyface. He’s very warm, comfortable and gentle (and he smells like heaven). He’s really come full circle. I feel like I’m being swaddled when I’m in his arms, which does wonders for my anxiety (which has been all over the place lately) and almost always puts me to straight sleep (no further assembly required). Whenever we sleep together (and I do mean ACTUAL sleep), he does this all night, which has worked wonders for my fragmented sleeping habits…much better than any sleeping pill. He does all of this and I can still completely approach the situation without a great deal of emotional attachment or expectation.

Anyway, I snoozed for a bit before he suggested that we go to bed, since by this point it was almost 4 a.m. Of course, once upstairs, the disruption of moving and waking up enough to walk upstairs shook our sleepies off and one thing lead to another and…

I’ve also started to notice that he’s become much more attentive in the bedroom. He takes his time a little more now to make sure we’re “in sync”. I also like that he’s not religiously routine. He mixes it up. One thing that’s sort of freaked me out every time we’re intimate is eye contact. I either heard or read somewhere on one of ya’ll’s blogs up here that eye contact during “the deed” is super intimate and should ONLY be “reserved” for “bae” or at least someone you’re in some sort of commitment with. I mean obviously yes, with my ex this was normal and I thought nothing of it…but with Babyface it weirds me out just a bit and I often try to break our gazes or avert my eyes away from his. I’ll look up at the ceiling, across the room, maybe at his ear…? I don’t know.  I don’t mind this little staring game of sorts any OTHER time, but too much runs through my mind otherwise. Maybe I’m weird or I have every genuine right to fear that he’s going to snatch my soul one of these days. Ha, I’m also fearful that I’ll make some odd or off putting facial expression that he’ll take personally as we continue to explore different avenues. I will say this has helped him identify at least one thing I don’t like…but I’m trying to do a little better about communicating 🙂 .

I woke up the following morning by him asking if he could bring me a glass of water and without even thinking about it, I thanked him for the thought. As I laid there waiting for him to come back upstairs, I realized that he’s definitely a guest in my house and I definitely just had a guest host me better in my own house than I’ve hosted the guest. I’m really terrible about this!

We spent hours (as we usually do) laying around in bed and talking before parting ways and starting our days–separately. Always separately. I like that we have our separate lives, errands, priorities, etc.

Per usual, we’ve stayed in touch this week concerning the trivial details of our day to day lives via text. This has been ongoing for weeks (months?) now. While it bothered me for a bit that our conversations are not super live and active (meaning we’re not often in an “active” back and forth conversation, there are gaps between our replies), I essentially checked myself, built a bridge and got over it. Aside from him voluntarily explaining that he’s often building things at work (he works as a manager at a contracting company that does residential and business renovations) and sets his phone down on a counter most of the day (as not to lose it or break it while he’s being epic and awesome), I just decided that I didn’t care. All that I ask for is consistency and if consistency with him right now is even responding at all (which he has), that’s all that I ask and in return, I can do the same. That’s about the extent of commitment I think I can handle right now. I’m more after consistency than anything.

I don’t know. It’s like I want something casual, but a little more formal than just the physical…kind of what we have now..but also, sort of an understanding or reassurance rather that, that’ll continue would be great? I know that’s a completely contradictory statement, but I’m a complex person..

To add complexity to this already shitshow of a long blog entry, I’m heading out after work to spend the weekend with blast from the past. To make an incredibly long story short, we lost touch while I was in my last relationship.I’ve sort of been indirectly dodging him these last few months ever since he found out I spent the day with my ex in his city without bothering to tell him I was in town or in a relationship (oops). I know, I know, I know, I’m a terrible person. I’m going to go and try to be a better friend now. Byeeeeee!

 

 

 

 

Make Nice (and mean it)

So part of my goals for 2018 was to leave any of the hateful, bitter and downright ugly emotions I experienced at the very end of 2017 behind. What time to start new, start fresh and look towards the future, right? Of course, this was way easier said than done, especially a couple of days into the new year, but I’m happy to report that it’s gotten easier and I feel like a much more normalized version of myself (still working on it though).

Of course a HUGE part of this attitude adjustment was to finish the healing process, forgive my ex (and think of the experience as a life lesson) and to genuinely wish him well. The last part took the longest by far, haha. As sweet as he is, for a few months I really wasn’t in the right mental or emotional space to wish him well and that’s ok. I’m HUMAN and I needed to get through it (all the feels) and get to the other side of feeling better. What’s important is that I didn’t act on or verbalize much of my (lack of) well wishes.

So fast forward to present day and things are much better. We’ve actually spoken a few times over the past couple of weeks and we actually chatted via text for a little while after work yesterday. He updated me on his house hunt and told me he had put an offer on a place. Fun fact, his house (should he get it) is less than a mile down the street from my parent’s house. Ha, I’m not sure how I feel about that, but good for him regardless.

The house he has his eyes on is an older house in need of significant repairs and he has it in his heart to completely renovate it “on his own” as much as humanly possible. He’s been talking about this since I’ve known him actually. I remember walking around IKEA with him one night and watching his eyes light up with excitement over all of the possibilities. It’s like his thing. That’s quite a task to take on, but I believe in him and believe he’s motivated enough to make it happen. He’s got a really creative mind and I just know something fabulous will come out of it.

All in all he seems to be a in good place too. I remember him not doing so well right around Thanksgiving, so I’m glad that he at least seems to be better too. Neither one of us went into any specific detail about our dating lives, but then again, I don’t find that to be a topic I feel that I owe him an elaborate narrative on or do I feel the need to know an elaborate explanation on his either.

I’m very proud of myself, because several months ago I would have approached all of this in an emotionally reckless and self-destructive fashion. I’m happy I can find genuine happiness for someone without any ill will or petty motives brewing AND without any lingering ROMANTIC feelings on top of all of that. I can talk to him in a completely platonic way and feel nothing there (outside of maybe acquaintanceship–I wouldn’t say that we’re “friends” just yet) . I get joy out of knowing those things are happening for him. It feels great to no longer have a heart saturated in sadness and hate.

Happy F***ing Birthday

Thirty-two, day two. First off, I’d like to apologize, for I was being a mega bitch yesterday. it was three parts PMS, shitty weather and somehow feeling like I needed to be validated on my birthday. My anxiety “hit the quan” yesterday. I was in the pits of emotional hell and I’m happy to report that while I feel like death warmed over (yesterday was a chaotic and crazy day), I feel much better.

The validation ramble had little to do with friends and family. I was overloaded with love yesterday by everyone and I feel blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. I allowed one person to completely send me into a tailspin and that ladies and gents was….drumroll….my ex.

surprise

All joking aside though, that was concerning. Why do I need him to wish me a happy birthday? Why was that important to me when I’m moving on (and have moved on mentally, physically and mostly emotionally). We’re on good terms and I’m very happy for him and his endeavors, but for some reason it really bothered me that he never wished me a happy birthday, when I know he knows when it is. In fact, not even a week into really “dating” him he was able to tell me what day it was, rather or not I was born on a “leap year” (I wasn’t), my exact age, what my zodiac sign was, what my chinese zodiac animal was, my birthday month “personality” and so on, what my time of birth meant. I remember he was so proud of himself for rambling off this information while cooking one evening. Hell, I don’t even know some of that stuff. I’m good to know my zodiac sign and that’s it. Impressive or perhaps he really stalked the shit out of me (we were fb friends by this point) and did his googles? Actually, that’s kind of creepy now that I’m reading that back…

But how hard is it to wish someone a happy birthday really? Takes two seconds and you’ve probably put a smile on their face. Hell, facebook TELLS YOU when it’s someone’s birthday. I try to wish everyone in my life a happy birthday. I personally try to do it through phone or text because I think facebook is impersonal, but the sentiment is still all the same. I even wished an ex before him a happy birthday (his was the week before mine) and he did the same. Took two seconds, he thanked me and we moved on. Another ex of mine even CALLED me yesterday to wish me a happy birthday we were able to have a casual conversation (about cars) and move on. Zero emotion. Bam.

Part of me thinks he intentionally didn’t wish me a happy birthday, perhaps to keep things clean (since he’s an “ex” and I think he knows he really hurt me) and to ensure that his “presence” didn’t derail my day. Plus, by doing so, we’d feel obligated to small talk (even though he usually initiates the small talking whenever we do communicate now, but whatevs *kanye shrug*). Or maybe chucked it out of his mind altogether. It’s cool. I don’t need his validation, bih (yes, this is a word Urban dictionary it). I still managed to have a mildly decent day regardless and I still sincerely wish him all the best. He’s still a great person.

It’s funny how even though we as humans possess all of this strength and resilience, we still have moments like this that make us feel so small and insignificant.

small

I think for me personally it has less to do with my ex specifically (like him as a person) and more to do with the fact that we were’t just acquaintances, we were in a whole ass relationship. This person was once a very integral part of my life as was I in his and although this didn’t last forever, we connected on a deep enough level that I think he would be kind enough to AT LEAST consider the well wishes. He’s always preached this gospel about “being nice to everyone” and “putting kindness out into world,” because “when you’re kind/nice to people, you get the same in return”. Simply acknowledging someone’s day of birth is a KIND thing to do even if you weren’t intimate with them (shit, especially if you WERE).

Wishing someone a “happy birthday”, doesn’t mean you want to hook-up with them, get back together with them or any other twisted manipulate, self-righteous motive. It simply means , “hey, I’m glad that you’re alive, have an awesome day!”.

Update : I was just hit with the, “I logged onto facebook this morning and facebook said yesterday was your birthday….so sorry, distracted by the house hunt…Happy Birthday…well, happy belated birthday!”

Girl, I guess….

Ba1Ydvu.gif

He knew goodness goddamn well yesterday was my birthday without the aid the book of face.

Anyway, enough about that yik yak. I’m dizzy and crampy, but I have a fun night planned with a bus load of friends to kick off this birthday weekend and combined birthday plans with my fellow piscean in “crime” and bedsheets, babyface.

Toodles.

Text w/ The Ex

So when I last wrote, I was scrambling to plan a “home cooked taco dinner” for baby face for when he dropped by my place Saturday for our date. I’m not sure what prompted me to cook for him other than the fact that he’s dropped some serious coins on our dates and I feel guilty. Granted, he’s willingly done this and hasn’t been like one of those guys who looks at me like, “you owe me”. He’s admittedly very southern (born and raised) and maybe that’s just normal to him. I guess I just wanted to be nice and look like I’m trying to make an effort not to be appear to be a mooch or take advantage in any way, even though I’m lazy and hate cooking elaborate things.

Anyway, as I was thinking about the tacos I was going to make and everything I needed from the store when I got off of work, I got a text from my ex. I had to take a double take at my phone at first, because while we aren’t NOT speaking to one another, we haven’t been in consistent communication since the holidays–and at least on my end that’s been fairly intentional. Well, I take that back, we spoke that day he was tailgating me on the way to work, which was a month and a half ago. It was also weird to see a message from him (still have him on mute, so I didn’t actually notice it at first) because I had been thinking about the amazing tacos he used to make and just how I was going to mimic them for Saturday’s dinner/date. It’s like he felt those vibes of me trying to steal his shit.

“Hey there. How are you?” His text read. That’s such a loaded question, ha….but unlike the last time he asked me this question, I could honestly answer that I was doing really well and MEAN IT.

We actively texted back and forth over the course of an hour or so. He told me he had gotten approved for a mortgage loan and was seriously looking to buy a house as soon as he got an offer accepted. He had decided that he wanted to buy a house in need of renovations on the edge of downtown in an up and coming trendy area that’s slowly being gentrified. When he shared the good news with me, I couldn’t help but to be overcome with joy for him. The news genuinely gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside and made my afternoon. I’m so very proud of him because I know this is something he’s wanted to do for a year or more and he’s finally there. All of those long nights and weekends of OT to save up for it paid off.

As we continued to catch up, I couldn’t help but to notice how far I have come over the past few months. I was able to speak to him and feel no emotion or bitterness, just genuine happiness as if I was talking to an old friend.  I am over the moon happy for him. So, so proud.

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The fact that I’ve gotten to the point where I can celebrate in his successes without hate in my heart is HUGE for me. It’s not that I’ve ever “hated” him during the past few months, but there were days where I wasn’t his biggest fan because I was hurt and being emotionally irrational (rightfully so though. I am human). Ha. Particularly when I was CAPS LOCK mad at him back in December (but in my defense I was PMsing and he did drop several bombs on me in that conversation which added fuel to the fire).

Anyway, before our conversation wrapped up, I did cop that taco recipe from him, which he gladly shared, even though I left the details of “why” I was making tacos pretty vague (just said I had an “event” – which isn’t really a lie—an event of getting my back bent and fractured –  lol).

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Even though I’ve gotten to a point where I’m in a better place with how things ended between us, I still don’t care to share details of my love life with him. That’s no longer his business just as I don’t really care to know about his either. So as long as he’s happy with that area of his life, I’ll be happy for him there too.

Welp. The tacos ended up being a big hit, but I’ll save that for another post 😉 .

Stretch Yourself, Girl

I’m so happy this week is coming to a close. It’s been busy both socially and professionally, but I learned my lesson from last week in that it’s always important to listen to my body, protect my peace and allow myself down days/mental health days when needed.

Last night I had another date with the teacher. This date had been rescheduled from Sunday when I was, “sick” (mentally exhausted). On my way to meet him, I was slammed with requests from other friends to “hangout”. Three friends back to back in fact, including the guy from Vday (which reminds me, I need to write a post about him). While flattering, I didn’t want to cancel on the teacher again and declined all of the offers.  I can’t remember being in this high demand like…ever. I even have all of these “engagements” tonight and had to decline on like two for tomorrow. I’m this average person. I wasn’t even this popular in my 20s. What is this even? Am I on punk’d?

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The teacher and I originally had plans to eat at this trendy southern place downtown (since we both spoke about how we like BBQ the last time we met), but once we got there, we realized it was closed for a private event. Just great. Since we were kind of anchored downtown (he actually paid $10 to park in a garage, while I parked a few blocks away for free.99!), we opted for this little taco spot instead (which btw, tmi, but those tacos from last night have my stomach doing the running man this morning. I can’t eat at that place anymore). It was dive barish and tacky, but near the college up the street, so it was understandable. We both ordered margaritas (since it was national margarita day) and spent an hour or two talking about our weeks. I felt bad, because it had been so long since our last encounter, that I was having trouble remembering some details about him. Like I remembered things like what he did, that he was in the army, that he liked both dogs AND cats, that he had family a few hours away etc. But I kept forgetting things like he enjoyed board games–which is a hobby we actually share. I would forget the that. I think casually dating several guys at the same time is putting a lot of strain on my short term memory (but it is also helping me pace myself and not become emotionally attached to anyone too soon). Anyway, the date went ok, he walked me back to my car and said we should do it again. He even followed up with a text message later on that evening saying the same thing. I’m so jaded though that I never take any of that to face value. I mean, just this situation alone was enough for me to not to put stock in anything anyone you’re casually dating says. People basically say shit to say it, I’m convinced. Hell, I do it sometimes. Pssh. I don’t know. I like him, but I may lead too much of a crazy life for him. He seems more calm and reserved. We’ll see.

Speaking of dates and plans, I have plans with baby face this weekend. Aside from our first date, all of our others have basically been, “We’re going to start the night at this place, but we’ll plan all of our other rendezvous from there.” This has worked out fine, because it can get complicated to plan TOO much too soon. I do appreciate that he at least sort of tag teams with me on planning though unlike this guy. I did offer to make him dinner Saturday because he mentioned really craving “street tacos” and I feel guilty that he’s been dropping all of these coins lately on dinners (even though he doesn’t seem to mind–I did take care of our $45 drink tab last week, but I wanted to…but still). Do I like to cook? Not really. Am I good at cooking? I haven’t set myself on fire (yet)…I’m ok. Ha, to be honest, I got really spoiled with my ex, because cooking was his *thing*. He did this really well. Ain’t nobody out here cooking better than him, *kevin hart voice* I promise you, boo-boo. Gotta give credit where it is due. But now that I think about it, he may have just been using me as a guinea pig to make these elaborate dishes just to see if he could do it. That food still hit though, I’m not gonna lie.

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In fact, when we were together, I rarely had to even buy groceries, because he’d cook for me so much, which was sweet, because I’m lazy (but I would bake for him and from scratch) . Ha, so being the one cooking this go ’round should be interesting. I’m going to steal borrow one of those taco recipes he used. Because again. Lazy here. Hopefully I don’t give him (baby face) food poisoning or set my house on fire in the process. I definitely won’t be sharing the same bowl that raw chicken sat in for the cooked chicken though. That’s an automatic deal breaker or as baby face would say, “hard pass”. Aside from dinner and maybe a movie out, we’ll see what else becomes of the evening.

On another note, I’ve been tossing around the idea of inviting baby face to a birthday dinner I’m having with friends next friday. Last time I counted, about 20 friends of mine will be there, probably more? Through conversation, he mentioned that his birthday is three days after mine, which means we actually share a birthday weekend, haha. I go back and forth on this decision, because this guy is not my “boyfriend” and I’m really trying to keep this “casual” for now to see where it goes and what becomes of it. I’m not sure if I really want to introduce someone to my clique that I’m casually–nomnom…*jamaican air horn toot*…er… — On the other hand, I feel like it would be rude of me NOT to invite him, since it’s also his birthday and I probably spend close to the amount of time with him that I do with some of my other friends that will be there…So I don’t know. I just worry about how I would introduce him to friends that really haven’t heard of him? Because they will equally be like, dude wtf.

“Oh, this is baby face, he’s my….uh…you see we…I…well…–What’s that over there?!”

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I don’t want to introduce him as a “friend” because that might be insulting, but he’s not my—ugh…and we’re back at square one all over again. I’m sure I’ll figure it out. I guess I can at least mention it to him to see if he even wants to go. He may be too overwhelmed by that, to be honest. Hell, I’m overwhelmed and it’s my own birthday dinner. I didn’t even realize I had this many friends until recently. Shit. Who knew?

Again…Where is my emotional support peacock? Does he do appointments…? Srsly u guise

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Actual Factual Advice

I’m still riding that wave of being (mostly) at peace. After all, I’m not perfect by any means and there is still a itty bitty part of me dusting off emotionally, but I’m so much better than I was, omg! It feels amazing to want to get up, to want to be social, to be able to focus on other aspects of my life that I had been neglecting for months. Most importantly, it feels nice to have the courage to “get back out there” and KNOW that this person nor that situation “ended” me. While I’ve been hurt or a little sad about ended relationships before, this was my first substantial heartbreak because I was so emotionally invested.

I don’t think being “emotionally invested” is a bad thing. It means that you believe in that person and your connection with them. It means you’re putting faith in things and giving it a go and you’re being vulnerable. A lot of risk comes with that and before this relationship; I realized I had never really been that vulnerable with anyone, even with guys that I *thought* I “loved”. I was always overly cautious, which led me not to be emotionally connected or invested in any past exes. Even one I was with for about a year. I deserved so much better than that.

Not to sound “cheesy”, but this whole situation reminds of a scene in the Black Panther movie where T’Challa (Black Panther) is laying in a bed of snow (he is near death and feeling defeated. While in this coma like state he is speaking to his ancestors who are inviting him to join them in the afterlife) and one moment he’s clinging to life and is powerless and then the next moment he realizes he has unfinished business to tend to, regains the “Black Panther” strength and emerges more powerful than before. I wish I could find that image online, but I’ve searched for about ten minutes and I have other things to do…

Anyway, it’s amazing how when you’re “heartbroken” the world seems like it is ending and the advice everyone gives you goes a little something like this:

“It will get better”

“You’re better off”

“He was a/an [insert insult here] anyway”

“Everything happens for a reason”

“You’ll find someone new/better”

“Smile. It will hurt less.”

Just don’t *think* about them”

“Go out and rebound”

“Maybe you’ll get back together”

 

Let’s be honest, none (well, most) of these things aren’t sinking in to your brain, which is diluted with negative energy and sadness by this point. You are exhausted and you can barely think about tomorrow, let alone “the future”. I really wish when I went through this painful experience I was told:

“It’s going to really HURT and for a while. Like physical pain level of hurt.”

“It’s going to suck and there are going to be days where you feel like you can’t function, but over time you will feel better.”

It’s ok to cry and to feel sad. You’re in mourning. Actually go through the stages of these emotions. Allow yourself to feel this raw emotion.”

“Don’t hold things in. Talk to loved ones or professionals if you can.”

“Blog it out.”

“You’ll go through a roller coaster of emotions. Some days you’ll feel a little better and then several days later you’ll feel sad again (sometimes without reason), but as time moves on you’ll have more good days than bad days until eventually the majority of your days are good again.”

“You’ll long for your ex and even act on seeing them. That’s normal. While reuniting (even on a friendly basis) sounds like a good idea, it’s not (shortly after a breakup) and will set both of you off course emotionally. Wait six or more months and if you’re able to have a genuine platonic friendship, go for it, but keep your boundaries in check.”

“Cut communication as much as possible. Even if you’re cordial to one another, it’s just not necessary to be “in touch” right after.”

“Go out and find new hobbies, experience new things, travel, make new friends. These eventual distractions will prove to be pivotal in your recovery.”

“If going to a certain place reminds you of them, don’t go to that place if it is at all humanly possible. Protect your peace.”

“Stop re-reading their text messages, emails, listening to their voicemails, making googly eyes at photos of them (you both as a couple counts too), in fact,  remove the photos from your phone, or at the very least place them in a “hidden” folder or store them on a hard drive. Social media wise, hide their updates and hide yours from them too. If absolutely necessary (wasn’t for me), delete them from your social media pages. At least for now. Protect. your. peace.”

“When you do dust off and get back out there again, try not to date someone just like them. Try to date someone different from your ex. They might surprise you (in a good way). You will naturally compare your new bae to your ex, but don’t be too critical.”

“Take things slow in your next romantic encounter. Consider the reasons why you and your ex didn’t work and strive to not repeat those things moving forward. Be logical and tell your heart to pace itself.”

“Take your time and only get back out there when you feel as though you’re all better. Don’t date with a revengeful heart or even for the purposes of rebounding or making your ex jealous. Those situations will never end well and might potentially hurt the other person in the crossfire of your selfish behavior.”

“You’re probably going to date a lot of cornballs [see guy #1] and fuck boys post break-up. Go out, have fun, keep an open mind and know your worth. Eventually, your “prince charming” will come around.”

“You may have days where you are not your ex’s biggest fan [2]….EVEN if you guys ended things mutually or in a very peaceful way and they treated you like gold while you were together. That is OK. It’s natural to have a bit a resentment, try not to act on it though.”

“There will be times where you’ll be worried about them. Wondering if they’re ok, if they’re lonely, if they feel guilt, if they have second thoughts, etc. Yes, they probably do indeed have these thoughts and go through these things, but it’s not your job to “protect” them anymore.”

***

I could easily go on and on with this, but what is most important is that I made it through the worst of it and I am on the other side now with a renewed sense of self. I don’t regret meeting my ex or even being in a relationship with him, not for one second. I’m glad I let my guard down and took the chance to let him into my world. Imagine had I not let my guard down, I would have potentially missed out on having someone really amazing in my life. I would have missed out on truly understanding what it feels like to have someone love me unconditionally and to meet my effort 110%. I cherish those moments that we shared and I feel honored that of all people, he chose to share those moments with me. I wish him all of the success and happiness in the world, I really do.

One of the best gifts he gave me was learning how to truly love and trust and ALLOWING someone to love and trust you in return. I just hope that moving forward I can approach love in that way with someone new, which I’m sure I will in time. And if I never do, at least I can say I did have the pleasure of experiencing it.

Protecting My Peace.

I’ve had a really busy couple of days (socially) in the past week and as I sat down to write this blog entry, I realized just how tired I really am. I think I have officially depleted my social energy for a good 24-48 hrs. I think part of my exhaustion is coming from trying to be everyone’s best and most loyal friend, which has come at the price of often splitting my time across numerous social events that overlap, foregoing regular sleep schedules and contemplating just when I’m going to get around to taking care of the basic chores around my house.

Since the breakup (that I felt at the time was “devastating“), I’ve been blessed to welcome (and re-welcome) so many wonderful people and new experiences into my life, that I probably would have never met/known/experienced/crossed paths with had I not gone through that enormous heartache. I’ve been assessing it lately, but not in a, “woe is me, I’m still butt hurt behind this, fuck this guy,” but more of a very peaceful, “everything happens for a reason and I’m a better person because of it and I hope he is too”. All in all, I learned a lot from it and was able to have this extraordinarily fascinating person in my life that I’m excited to see (from a distance) continue to blossom as he swan dives into his 30s this year. He has a good head on his shoulders and a heart and gold and I know he’ll go far in life. He kept me on my toes, showed me what it was like to love unconditionally and helped me realize that I definitely deserve all of the love and positive energy that I am putting out into the universe in return and that I should never settle for anything less from anyone. I just feel blessed that I was fortune enough to cross paths with him on this journey we call life. Hopefully he took something away from me too and I hope he’s treated just as well as he deserves to be treated or I might possibly have to cut a bitch .

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Ha. No, I’m not high or anything like that, I’ve just been mostly at peace with it. Maybe I just needed to get past valentine’s day before I could officially “let go” of whatever remnants of “hurt” that were still lingering.

It’s funny, because just as I’m finding more peace with the situation, I’ve been able to make room for someone new. Well, I shouldn’t say, “new”, more like the notion of someone new. As I’ve mentioned previously, I am actively dating again, but slowly and a little more on the casual side. I’m not looking to dive head first into a relationship for a while. As my friend Greg put it (in reference to himself in terms of dating), “I’m a little rusty and need the practice.” It’s been interesting so far, but lately, I’ve been spending a little more time with one guy in particular (I believe I reference him here).

I haven’t really thought about this guy in an extremely serious sense and I don’t get butterflies really, but he’s been a lot of fun to be around with and reminds me of what it’s like to just go out, have fun and chill. He’s really kind and makes me laugh. We’re just about able to make an adventure out of pretty much anything that we do together. While on the goofy side, I like that he’s a very chivalrous guy. He still opens doors, uses his manners, dresses up for dates and all of that classy shit. He’s also very intelligent and doesn’t spend an ungodly amount of time consumed with technology or social media like most people. I like that I don’t feel pressured or rushed into “labels” like I was in my last relationship. I like that we make goofy faces at each other sometimes just to be silly and I also like that I’m just able to have fun with him and still maintain having my own life and identity outside of it. In my last relationship, I felt like I was almost instantly sucked into the black hole of my ex’s gravitational pull.While he was very sweet and the newness of the relationship was exciting, to was at times, very lonely, because I felt like I wasn’t able to entertain doing the things I loved or wanted to do outside of getting to know him.

Anyway, Friday night babyface and I went out for Thai and drinks by my place. Since our encounter the previous week, I’ve been trying to get him over to my place in more a roundabout way without coming out and saying, “just come over so we can…😉🍆👌🏾😏☺️,” I mean hey, I am a woman and I “respect myself”, but I like to have fun as well and I’m single and can do that. Ha. I’m not sure if he figured out my very calculated plan (yes, I calculated out just how everything was going to work in my head before the night got started), but he’s fairly “go with the flow” and went along with it.

After a fancy Thai dinner (which by the way, was at the same place I’ve been to with my ex numerous times and the hostess set us at the table that my ex and I would always sit at–can we say weird), we went out for drinks at a tavern not far from my house, but not before I suggested he leave his truck parked there so we could go to the tavern in one car (because ultimately, I wanted him to come back to my place after).

Drinks were fun and I offered to pay since he’s been paying for all of our dates these past few weeks. I don’t mind picking up the tab if I feel like the guy legitimately enjoys my company and isn’t just trying to fuck, play games or be a mooch. Drink wise, we both went hard and had a few rounds of bourbon before closing out. I sort of think we were trying to out do one another to see who could stand the manliest drink. I’m pretty sure he won, being that he’s a smooth 8 inches taller than me and athletically toned.

Before heading back to my place, he suggested we swing by the grocery store to pick up some beer to have while we watched netflix (and chillllled). After he became a bit indecisive about the beer, he suggested I choose. I was already well on my way to being intoxicated, so I didn’t really see myself drinking beer once we got back, but I opted for a smooth seasonal cider and we were on our way.

Once back at my place, he went into this super sweet mode of pulling me close and cuddling with me. He’d gently rub my back and softly kiss my forehead as the alcohol really started to settle in and caused me to feel sleepy (or maybe I was just sleepy and those two energy drinks I smashed hours earlier at work both wore off at the same damn time). I could barely finish the one beer I did open, while he easily drank another two, before I told him I was tired and asked if could move our netflix and chill session upstairs to my bedroom so I could lay down. He agreed and off we went. By this point, we were both exhausted (mostly from work), but the stars all aligned we went for it.

As I mentioned before, this has been my first true (and full) intimate encounter since my ex, so while it felt a tad bit strange for a few seconds, I eventually got over it and focused appropriately on babyface.

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After all was said and done, I offered the invitation for him to stay the night, which he had no issue taking and we passed out. My sleep was fragmented at best, but it was nice to wake up warm and being cuddled. I remember waking up as the sun rose to study his bare chest as I laid comfortably on it. His pecks and arms are really muscular, but not in a crazy body builder sense. They appropriately fit his physique and was pleasant to study while he woke up. Talk about a work of art. Yas. We small talked and cuddled for about an hour or two before eventually getting out of bed. No, I didn’t make him brekafast, because I didn’t really have any food in my house (I know, what a shitty host I am). We kissed each other goodbye and he left to go start his day and went into starting mine, which was fully loaded (starting with lunch, a showing of the black panther, game night, dinner and impromptu concert outing with vday vibe guy and bar hopping with friends).

And now that leaves today. I had another jam packed day full of social events, but I woke up and cancelled them all if for no other reason than peace of mind. I really hate to be a flake like that (because I am usually very loyal and do what I say I’m going to do), but I over committed myself (again) and needed to take a step back. As the weekend approached earlier this week, I realized I had built in very little time to rest and relax and I just wanted a day to meander do things on my own time without any set schedule. I went for a run on one of my favorite trails, took some nature photos, binged some netflix and took a nap. Best day in a long time!

To wrap up, what I essentially thought was going to be a shitty week turned out to be fairly decent and stress free one. I’m starting to feel alive again and back tobetter than my old self. I’m really hoping my positive outlook on a recently ended relationship and my future moving forward will continue. It’s so much easier to go through life this way!