Galentine’s Day?

I’ve been hearing the word, “Galentine’s Day” tossed around quite a bit this year. Per Wikipedia’s definition, this is actually an unofficial “holiday” celebrated on February 13th to celebrate a day for “ladies celebrating ladies”. This came about from a Parks and Recs episode, but is apparently celebrated by some people in real life. Go figure. This almost reminds me of that time my ex made me watch “Girlfriend’s Day” with him one night (on Netflix). The movie was terrible is about some made up holiday a greeting card writer created to basically have another reason to sell cards and to (I guess) “win” his (ex) girlfriend back? The movie for lack of a better word was weird, but we ended up laughing about how we couldn’t believe it was real and also how we somehow “missed the holiday”. Low and behold, there is also a “Boyfriend’s Day” too (not the movie, the holiday). We didn’t miss that one in IRL though….and only “celebrated” it to be funny in reference to the silliness of “Girlfriend’s Day”.

Anyway, I’m rambling about things in the past and I shouldn’t be…Where were we….? Ah yes, “Galentine’s Day”….

I first heard about this about a week ago when one of my female friends drunkenly suggested we all go out for “Valentine’s Day” because all of us are single-ish, right now. I didn’t take her too serious, because she was about three beers deep and because at the time, I wasn’t sure I wanted to even acknowledge the holiday. To be honest, even though I haven’t *always* been single during Vday, I’ve just never cared much for the holiday. I wasn’t single last year on Vday and still tried to mostly avoid it. I’m one of those people that feels like its unnecessary stress and expectations on everyone. I’m from the school of thought that, “everyday should be vday” if you’re really in love with someone (not necessarily by way of elaborate gifts,  but love)…you don’t have to wait until Feb 14…rather, you SHOULDN’T just make that known on Feb 14…you should make it known year ‘round, in addition to recognizing it (I guess)…I don’t know…I’m rambling again, you get the point though.

Anyway, this past weekend, a few other friends of mine mentioned the looming holiday again, this time suggesting we do a “Galentine’s Day” of sorts.

A who, girl? I got the reference of “Gal” and “Valentine’s”, but it just sounded silly, but they were being dead ass serious. DEAD. ASS.

So now not only do I have to openly acknowledge that I’m SINGLE AF on this holiday, I now have to go parade around with my chick posy shouting it out and waving our bras in the air? What does one even do on Galentine’s Day? Do you cry into a pint of beer? Do you throw darts at printed photos of your ex? Do you sing revengeful breakup songs around a bond fire? I’m not up on the culture here…and I don’t “hate” my ex (though he is emotionally reckless a nice guy), so I don’t want to be around that energy. I’m already easily agitated if I have to think about past relationships.

My friend loosely planned this outing as beer and food truck cuisine on Wednesday because, “we don’t need men to feel loved”. Ok then. Girl power. Yeah…I guess the thought has some clout there.

I’ve since had about three other groups of friends mention this, “Galentine’s Day” with everything from wine and Netflix, to a movie and dinner date with your “girls”. It’s a little overwhelming to be invited to so many gatherings, but I guess I’m flattered and happy that we all have each other’s backs. I think a bunch of male friends even suggested a “Palentine’s Day” dinner…?

now sis

To be completely honest though, I don’t really see myself participating in “Galentine’s Day” (and maybe not even “Palentine’s Day”) this year…It’s all very endearing, but baby no. I’m just not in the mood. I’m indifferent about Vday in general and I’d like to not be reminded of it as much as humanly possible. I just want to move past it. The last thing I want to do is to go ANYWHERE public and see couples, coupling. I think that would hurt more than simply treating it as another day and going home. Also, even though I’m “dating”, I think it’s tacky to even bring Vday up to someone (some guys) so new in your life (that are literally on a 30-day trial subscription as it is). Besides, I have to work late anyway, so I’m really not going to be in the mood to be “social” after pulling a 12 hour work day. I think I’d rather just drown myself in halo ice cream and go to bed early. We’ll see.

Am I being a grouch about this? I’m being a grouch, aren’t I? Leave me alone and let me enjoy my trashiness.

grouch

On another semi related note, I’m having surprise flowers sent to two of my MALE friends who were SUPER supportive during my time of healing from the breakup and that to me is “enough” for my participation in the holiday (which sidenote: sending flowers is also stressful. I don’t think I’m ever doing that again). Actually, three of my male friends were super supportive, but the other one is happily in a relationship and I don’t want to step on toes. Just know I appreciate you, if you’re reading this 🙂 . You know who you are!

 

And….uh… happy er….Val-Gal-Pal-en-tines Day of love and/or loneliness. May whatever you want to happen, happen?

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“Hold on to Hope If You Got It”

While working this morning, I decided to listen to Paramore’s latest album (After Laughter) and stumbled upon the song “26”. While, I’ve had this album downloaded for months, I’ve never *really* listened to it from start to finish. I’ve skipped around here and there. Anyway, I finally listened to this entire song today and it’s beautiful, but also a little sad. It kind of reminds of being in a hopeless place after being heartbroken and trying to talk myself into “not giving up all hope”. That’s a difficult place to be in and one I don’t wish on my worst enemy. Everything seems dark and desolate.

I’m thankful to be in a much better place today than several months ago. Life just keeps getting better as time goes on and I’m eager to see where the journey takes me next.

Here are the lyrics. The portion in red was particularly touching to me.

 

Man, you really know how to get someone down
Everything was fine until you came around
I’ve been chasing after dreamers in the clouds
After all wasn’t I the one who said
To keep your feet on the ground?
Man, you really brought me back down

Hold on to hope if you got it
Don’t let it go for nobody
They say that dreaming is free
But I wouldn’t care what it cost me

You got me tied up but I stay close to the window
And I talk to myself about the places that I used to go
I’m hoping someday maybe I’ll just float away
And I’ll forget every cynical thing you say
When you gonna hear me out
Man, you really bring me down

Hold on to hope if you got it
Don’t let it go for nobody
They say that dreaming is free
But I wouldn’t care what it cost me

Reality will break your heart
Survival will not be the hardest part
It’s keeping all your hopes alive
When all the rest of you has died
So let it break your heart 

And hold on to hope if you got it
Don’t let it go for nobody

Hold on to hope if you got it
Don’t let it go for nobody
They say that dreaming is free
I wouldn’t care what it cost me

Trucks and Tacos

I went on date #2 on Saturday with guy #2. I’m going to nickname him…”baby face” (because he’s adorable looks really young in the face).

I honestly didn’t think there’d be a date #2, but mostly because our rate of communication had dwindled throughout the week. We spoke everyday, but there’d be hours between our responses (and yes, this was on my end as well). On my end, work, friends, overextending myself with social engagements and juggling other guys (more on them later) was to blame, but I always responded to his texts in appropriate lengths and he did the same. Who knows, maybe he’s doing the same things, which is fine by me. I don’t “own” him and he doesn’t “own” me.

By Friday, we decided to set up a date for a semi late Tex Mex dinner Saturday night, which worked out perfectly, because I had a brewery date with “the teacher” (more on him in another post) around 5, which I had allowed a 2.5 hrs time slot in my schedule and an additional 30 minutes for a quick outfit change and the drive over to meet baby face across town. Yeah, I was doing a whole lot, guys. And yes, I did need to do an outfit change.

Baby face arrived a little later than me, but only by about five minutes. He looked nice in a Carolina blue polo shirt and jeans (the color was intentional due to a basketball game our rival teams played, where his won). We ordered our food and got the date started. Not that I was nervous before, but seeing him for a second time felt less awkward. He seemed more relaxed as well, but extremely tired, just like me (well, I was also half hungover, half drunk, but that’s not entirely relevant to this story).

After dinner, he suggested that we pop in to the Irish pub next door for a round or two of drinks. I wasn’t really up for drinking, but couldn’t think of anything to counteroffer, so I went along with it. We both drank beers and shared funny college stories. Some of his stories had me in stitches. He’s such a funny guy.

The pub closed not too long after we got there (about midnight), but he didn’t want the night to end and suggested we go to this area of the city to overlook planes taking off. It sounded overly romantic cheesy, but I took him up on it because I wasn’t ready for the night to end and maybe part of me was up for some spontaneous fun! I hopped in his full sized pick up truck (sidebar: I’ve always wanted to date a guy with a truck) and we were off (about 5 minutes down the road).

We watched a plane or two take off from his backseat (so we could cuddle without dealing with the center console) before we found ourselves making out. Unlike last time he was a lot less aggressive and allowed me to follow his lead instead of pulling me around like a ragdoll.

This continued for what only seemed like a few minutes, but actually ended up being hours. We ended up fooling around pretty heavy, but it felt right so I went for it. Every so often during this session, he’d look down on me and deep into my eyes. His gaze reminded me of the way my ex would look at me during “play time” (his actual words, not mine) when he’d tell me I was beautiful and couldn’t stop looking at me. It was a weird deja vu moment, which baby face interrupted to ask me what I was thinking about.

I snapped back to reality quickly, giggled and answered, “you”. He smiled and blushed.

As he kissed me all over and explored with his hands, I kept comparing him to my ex and how familiar he (ex) became with body and how he took his time with every curve as if he was creating a masterpiece, while baby face was still testing the waters, so to speak. All in all, baby face wasn’t doing so bad considering I was giving him very little to go off of, emotion wise. I was mostly silent and limited my motions quite a bit (because afterall, we were in public), but my grip would tighten and I would display a grin of satisfaction while looking him in the eyes. It’s like my emotions did an emergency shut off. Baby face at times seemed nervous, or overwhelmed, like he wasn’t quite sure what to do next or perhaps was surprised I had even “let him” go this far. Maybe he was wondering if I was “enjoying it”.  Perhaps he was battling in his head what I wanted vs. what he wanted in that moment. There were a lot of uncertainties under the serenity of the moonlight. I’m sure his mind was racing just as fast as mine. Anyway, the comparison thoughts sort of flickered and burned out just as quickly as they came and I ended up focusing more on him.

After we finished, he could tell I was exhausted (I admittedly dozed off a moment or two during some of this) and suggested we go back to cuddling, watching planes and looking out at the stars above us through the sunroof of the truck. He showed a really sensitive side and gently kissed my forehead a few times as I catnapped in his arms, which again, gave me weird flashbacks. We both eventually fell asleep and woke up around 4 a.m. chuckling about how old we were becoming.

He drove me back to my car, but not before we made a pit stop at a walmart to use the bathroom. Ha, we both walked in there flushed in the face with bed head and wrinkled clothing. The scent of his cologne hung off of my neck like a scarf. The employees that were inside definitely gave us some interesting looks, haha.

All in all, Saturday night was a lot of fun. It’s not my schtick to partake in such things so casually, but I just went for it. I’m human and have “needs”. While I’ve “dated” other guys since my last relationship ended, I haven’t really been intimate with anyone (to that extreme anyway) since. Perhaps this would explain the weird deja-vu moments with this being my first genuine, “hook-up” (geez, that sounds so impersonal)  since things ended or maybe I was just tipsy and tired, which clouded my judgement a bit. In a weird way though, I still feel very little emotional attachment to this guy even after what happened, which isn’t like me at all. I like him, I find him attractive and he’s very nice, but I don’t get “butterflies” when we’re together or see his name cartwheel across the notifications on my phone. It’s like my heart is on a sabbatical somewhere…and maybe never coming back? I’d be ok with that actually. “Feeling” is overrated. I don’t really want to “feel” right now.

shrug

Oh well.

It looks like we have plans for later on this week. Who knows what we’ll get into. Should be sensitional.

Two Steps Back

Yesterday was a bad day emotionally. It felt like my entire being was consumed with sadness and despair to the point where I could barely focus on anything. Several co-workers commented that I looked like I didn’t, “feel well”.

Truth be told, I don’t know what caused the emotional set back, because I’ve been in semi ok spirits the past week or so. Maybe this is partially to blame on “seasonal depression”. I’ve been pretty good about taking my anxiety medicine (both day and night), but I guess it’s too much to manage even with medication some days.

I’m going to attribute this to seeing him Sunday afternoon for coffee/hot chocolate. We had been communicating back and forth towards the end of the week about getting together to exchange our keys and personal items. So obviously, not something I was super pumped to do, but I knew I needed the closure that comes along with it.

It was a bitterly cold and cloudy afternoon when we met up. My initial reaction when I saw him getting out of his car and walking into the coffee shop was extreme anger. This is an emotion I haven’t really experienced this entire time. It was new, it was raw, I felt my face get hot. I intently looked down at my phone during this time, because I did not want to make eye contact with him. He ended up having to text me to let me know he had arrived.

After he got his hot chocolate, he came over to my table and suggested we sit outside where there was more seating, so we both bundled up and headed outside. I could tell he was nervous. His voice at times shaky, almost as if he was bracing for me to yell at him and make him feel like shit (which is not my gig. That’s petty and I wouldn’t dare allow him that sort of satisfaction of knowing he “got to me” ). Definitely not the confident voice I was used to…

We spoke about work, NFL, smartphones, pets, traveling, this past halloween, the drastic change in the weather, and so on. After a few minutes we spoke like old times, joking over stupid things.

When it came time for us to part, I handed him a gift I had picked up for him while on vacation a few weeks ago. It was a bottle of his absolute favorite bourbon that’s very difficult to find here. He seemed very touched by the fact that I even remembered that and thought of him. I mostly did it because my cat (who he pet sit for me — even though we broke up the week prior) “attacked him” one day (he showed me the scar on his arm).

After the gift exchange, we exchanged keys and other items that we had at each other’s houses. I figured that was that, and he pulled me in for a hug. I wasn’t expecting a hug, so it caught me off guard. It was also weird, because I’m used to kissing him after an embrace like that. Anyway, after the hug, he told me to “keep in touch”. I have no idea if he really means that or not, but we haven’t spoken since Sunday…not that we should have???

Perhaps I let it sink in yesterday that we could potentially never see or speak to each other again and that’s a big pill to swallow, especially since things ended so abruptly. Even though he said to “keep in touch” I feel like it would be more of an effort on my end than his and even then, he’s not obligated to respond. Why should he? It’s clear that he’s done with the romantic aspect of our relationship. He may care about me in the most general sense (like wishing me well), but that’s it.

Anyway, I’m still on the road to recovery. Rome wasn’t built in a day and I truly need time to adjust my mindset, let go, get rid of baggage and so on. Everything I’ve been reading about moving on after a breakup says to cut all communication with your ex for several months before even attempting to be friends with them. I’ve had breakups before and I don’t remember them being this difficult. Some were mutual and others I may have done the breaking up or also felt things were ending if I wasn’t doing the breaking up. With the exception of one relationship that ended due to cheating, I haven’t felt this many EXTREME emotions dealing with it. I did learn through all of my reading, that the person who initiated the break up sometimes goes through just as many ups and downs. Maybe guilt…wondering if they truly made the right decision, wondering if their ex is “ok”, if they will ever enter into another relationship that *will* work out to their standards..loneliness, etc. I don’t doubt he hasn’t experienced at least some of these things.

Here is to hoping I have better days ahead.

Super Late Update!

I have been terrible about updating this blog. My entire purpose in starting it was to basically regurgitate the ridiculousness of my life, but somehow I got caught up in work, “adulting” and personal crises to really give it the true attention that it deserves.

I’ll just cut to the chase because I’m not in the mood to be poetic or overly descriptive with my life, but I’m happy to report that I am now happily in a relationship. Yes, I have a boyfriend. Not a “situationship”, not a “we’re casually, kind of dating”, not a “FWB”, an actual, “we claim each other in public and among friends/family,” boyfriend.

At least

If you were to tell me several months ago that I would have this amazing guy stroll into my life (and with PURPOSE), I probably would have thought that was bullshit. I mean after all, I truly believed I had found “that guy” and was somewhat devastated when things didn’t work out. Actually no, I think my pride was just bruised.

Today makes two months together (in a relationship) and while that seems like a short period of time, it’s been nothing short but an amazing two months. I couldn’t ask for a more thoughtful/caring, intelligent, trustworthy, funny, talented, attractive partner in crime. Everything I’ve ever longed for in a guy….he embodies that and THEN some, with a smile.

As cheesy as it sounds, he still gives me butterflies every time we get together and I can’t help but to smile each time I see his name roll across my phone.

One of the things I like the most about him is how open, clear and determined he is with how he feels. He doesn’t have a problem telling me everyday/night how he feels about me (verbally, via text, over the phone, etc)…and us or how beautiful he thinks I amIn fact, from the beginning, he was very serious about the concept of us being together and made it clear that he wasn’t there to waste my time and guess what? His words and actions actually matched up. Go figure?

appaulse

While I want to run around telling everyone how awesome this guy is (uh, because he IS), I’m really trying to be calm and somewhat coy.

happy gif

Everyone doesn’t need to know every single thing we do/say/experience. While we’re very publically in a relationship on facebook (and out in public in general) and our friends/family know we’re in a relationship with one another, I’ve intentionally kept most things just between us and I think he’s ok with that. This is not to say that I’m ashamed of him, because I’m very proud to call him mine… I’m just not big on flaunting relationships on social media because it can be obnoxious after a while. No one cares to see every single thing ya’ll ate or places your happy asses went for 2-7+ consecutive days! FOH.

Our time together is really special to me and I want that to just be shared between the two of us right now.

Yeah, so that’s my update. I don’t care to update about the other boring aspects of my life, because why? No point. All is well.

 

He’s Growing on Me

I’ve been seeing this guy for a little over a month and a half now and I’m finally admitting to myself that we are indeed “dating”.

As much as I tried to deal with this situation completely apathetic and emotionless, I really can’t help but to really like the guy. He’s such a gentleman, he makes me laugh, he’s intelligent, he’s respectful, he can keep a conversation going, he REALLY LISTENS, he’s a total sweetheart and is appropriately affectionate. I feel protected and taken care of while I’m in his presence.

I feel at peace.

It’s still “new”, but I have to say that I’m really impressed with him. I didn’t think it was possible to date someone who was so attentive and caring. I’m curious to see how things unfold. So far we seem to really vibe well together. I guess it doesn’t hurt that our birthdays are literally a week a part (his was last Wednesday, mine is this Wednesday…which is well, tomorrow), so we’re the same zodiac sign.

In other news blast from the past is coming up “for work” starting Thursday (and should be gone Saturday afternoon–well hopefully, since I have plans with new guy that evening). Our last interaction (about three weeks) ago, went well (we even took a short road trip), but reminded me of all of the things I’ve longed for that this new guy offers without hesitation. While I find myself emotionally frustrated with blast from the past, things like this seem effortless with new guy. He has no problem being open and honest about his emotions and how he feels about me. I still like blast from the past, but I feel like there is a massive road block on our journey to work towards anything of substance. We like each other, but that’s about it. It’s been a couple of years now and my patience is paper-thin at this point.

We’ll see what the week unfolds.

To Feel.

I hate to admit this, but it’s scary to feel, because to feel, essentially means being volunerable and I’m at my weakest when I own up to it.

At the same time though, I know I’m truly alive when I  feel. Sometimes it’s a nice reminder that I’m human and that it’s ok not to be perfect.

I’ve been beating myself up quite a bit here lately trying to achieve perfection in many aspects of my life and it’s causing me extreme emotional distress and mental exhaustion. 

More on this later, but needed to regurgitate some late night thoughts. 

Old Flames (that won’t die out)


I believe he really likes me and that’s scary. It’s scary, because I know in the back crevices of my mind that feeling is mutual. Beyond all of his quirkiness, he’s a genuinely sweet guy, that would do just about anything for me without expecting anything in return. He’s really intelligent, funny & independent. We’ve been here before…nearly 4 years ago, when we were actually dating and it was mutually understood that we were progressing towards something serious, but then everything went to shit…

He’s been different lately. He’s really “grown up” in these past few years. He’s not as selfish, he really listens, he fixes things around my house or on my car, loves my cat,  pays for dinner, drinks, movies, he spent 2 hours helping my dad build a gazebo two weeks ago!! He just brought me $100 router because he remembered me mentioning that mine was on the fritz (and he set it up for me)–yes, I know this entire paragraph is a grammatical mess.

What normal friend does any of that?  Don’t get me wrong, my friends are all awesome people, but my point is that they aren’t wining and dining me and trying to impress my parents.

When we talk on the phone he’s  encouraging when I’m stressed & actually asks my how I FEEL instead of being dismissive and rambling on about himself while I just listen. He now says things like, “It’s always good to talk to you”,  “I’m looking forward to seeing you”, or “I really had a good time with you”.

When we’re having a conversation face to face sometimes he’ll just gaze at me and smile, even if I’m not saying anything humorous. It’s like he’s in the clouds.


He often slips up and refers to my place as “home” in letting me know he’s on the way and I don’t correct him. After all, he has a key for a while and every time he leaves, he leaves a trail of his toiletries behind, which I believe is on purpose. Both of my bathrooms are littered with shower gels, shampoos, shaving creams, hair gels, deodorants, toothpastes, mouthwashes, etc. and several articles of his clothing are strung around the house. You would think I have a man living with me full time. I don’t tend to leave things at his place, at least not on purpose. My toiletries cost too much money to part with them for weeks on end like that.

He lives about two hours away now (we used to live in the same city, but he got a new job about 2.5 years ago after stomping on my heart to breifly see someone else), but his company has an office here in town that very frequently (at least lately) seems to send him there. I’m starting to think that he’s just volunteering to come here for any reason at all and using his job as an excuse to visit me. Of course he does visit without coming here for work occasionally.

My assessment with all of this is that he cares and probably wants something more, but may not be confident enough to make that move or may be afraid that he fucked up that opportunity years ago. I’m not always that easy to read, I admit that, but in my defense, I always make it known if I’ve enjoyed someone’s company or if I miss them. I always tell him these things, always have.

Ultimately, it could be a slippery slope though, especially with how things ended the last time we decided to date.Throw in the added complexity of it being long distance (about a 2-2.5 hour drive), and you’ve got a really tricky situation. I value our friendship too much to let that go if things go south (again). Part of me doesn’t want to entertain any part of this charade, because throwing labels on things too quickly can backfire, but at the same time, I’ve had numerous reminders lately that life is moving while I’m still stuck in neutral thinking, “what if”.

I attended an old friend’s baby shower the other day. We’re the same age and she’s married and VERY pregnant. Some other high school acquaintances were there and one of them happened to mention how she had been married for seven years. It really made me wonder where the hell I went wrong in life? Shouldn’t I be married or at least in a serious relationship ?

I know I shouldn’t compare myself to my peers, but it does put a different perspective on this situation and how I want something substainal. I want to know that the guy I’m with is very serious about our relationship and in growing together. I’m getting too old for samples and trial memberships.

Maybe I’m  just realizing that I’m lonely…

 

Down Here.

It’s been about 2 weeks and I still have moments of frustration and bitterness. I’ll have to elaborate on this, but later for sure.

I don’t want to deal with emotions this week. Sooo….I’ll be over here. Yep, down here.

cat hiding