Two Steps Back

Yesterday was a bad day emotionally. It felt like my entire being was consumed with sadness and despair to the point where I could barely focus on anything. Several co-workers commented that I looked like I didn’t, “feel well”.

Truth be told, I don’t know what caused the emotional set back, because I’ve been in semi ok spirits the past week or so. Maybe this is partially to blame on “seasonal depression”. I’ve been pretty good about taking my anxiety medicine (both day and night), but I guess it’s too much to manage even with medication some days.

I’m going to attribute this to seeing him Sunday afternoon for coffee/hot chocolate. We had been communicating back and forth towards the end of the week about getting together to exchange our keys and personal items. So obviously, not something I was super pumped to do, but I knew I needed the closure that comes along with it.

It was a bitterly cold and cloudy afternoon when we met up. My initial reaction when I saw him getting out of his car and walking into the coffee shop was extreme anger. This is an emotion I haven’t really experienced this entire time. It was new, it was raw, I felt my face get hot. I intently looked down at my phone during this time, because I did not want to make eye contact with him. He ended up having to text me to let me know he had arrived.

After he got his hot chocolate, he came over to my table and suggested we sit outside where there was more seating, so we both bundled up and headed outside. I could tell he was nervous. His voice at times shaky, almost as if he was bracing for me to yell at him and make him feel like shit (which is not my gig. That’s petty and I wouldn’t dare allow him that sort of satisfaction of knowing he “got to me” ). Definitely not the confident voice I was used to…

We spoke about work, NFL, smartphones, pets, traveling, this past halloween, the drastic change in the weather, and so on. After a few minutes we spoke like old times, joking over stupid things.

When it came time for us to part, I handed him a gift I had picked up for him while on vacation a few weeks ago. It was a bottle of his absolute favorite bourbon that’s very difficult to find here. He seemed very touched by the fact that I even remembered that and thought of him. I mostly did it because my cat (who he pet sit for me — even though we broke up the week prior) “attacked him” one day (he showed me the scar on his arm).

After the gift exchange, we exchanged keys and other items that we had at each other’s houses. I figured that was that, and he pulled me in for a hug. I wasn’t expecting a hug, so it caught me off guard. It was also weird, because I’m used to kissing him after an embrace like that. Anyway, after the hug, he told me to “keep in touch”. I have no idea if he really means that or not, but we haven’t spoken since Sunday…not that we should have???

Perhaps I let it sink in yesterday that we could potentially never see or speak to each other again and that’s a big pill to swallow, especially since things ended so abruptly. Even though he said to “keep in touch” I feel like it would be more of an effort on my end than his and even then, he’s not obligated to respond. Why should he? It’s clear that he’s done with the romantic aspect of our relationship. He may care about me in the most general sense (like wishing me well), but that’s it.

Anyway, I’m still on the road to recovery. Rome wasn’t built in a day and I truly need time to adjust my mindset, let go, get rid of baggage and so on. Everything I’ve been reading about moving on after a breakup says to cut all communication with your ex for several months before even attempting to be friends with them. I’ve had breakups before and I don’t remember them being this difficult. Some were mutual and others I may have done the breaking up or also felt things were ending if I wasn’t doing the breaking up. With the exception of one relationship that ended due to cheating, I haven’t felt this many EXTREME emotions dealing with it. I did learn through all of my reading, that the person who initiated the break up sometimes goes through just as many ups and downs. Maybe guilt…wondering if they truly made the right decision, wondering if their ex is “ok”, if they will ever enter into another relationship that *will* work out to their standards..loneliness, etc. I don’t doubt he hasn’t experienced at least some of these things.

Here is to hoping I have better days ahead.

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Super Late Update!

I have been terrible about updating this blog. My entire purpose in starting it was to basically regurgitate the ridiculousness of my life, but somehow I got caught up in work, “adulting” and personal crises to really give it the true attention that it deserves.

I’ll just cut to the chase because I’m not in the mood to be poetic or overly descriptive with my life, but I’m happy to report that I am now happily in a relationship. Yes, I have a boyfriend. Not a “situationship”, not a “we’re casually, kind of dating”, not a “FWB”, an actual, “we claim each other in public and among friends/family,” boyfriend.

At least

If you were to tell me several months ago that I would have this amazing guy stroll into my life (and with PURPOSE), I probably would have thought that was bullshit. I mean after all, I truly believed I had found “that guy” and was somewhat devastated when things didn’t work out. Actually no, I think my pride was just bruised.

Today makes two months together (in a relationship) and while that seems like a short period of time, it’s been nothing short but an amazing two months. I couldn’t ask for a more thoughtful/caring, intelligent, trustworthy, funny, talented, attractive partner in crime. Everything I’ve ever longed for in a guy….he embodies that and THEN some, with a smile.

As cheesy as it sounds, he still gives me butterflies every time we get together and I can’t help but to smile each time I see his name roll across my phone.

One of the things I like the most about him is how open, clear and determined he is with how he feels. He doesn’t have a problem telling me everyday/night how he feels about me (verbally, via text, over the phone, etc)…and us or how beautiful he thinks I amIn fact, from the beginning, he was very serious about the concept of us being together and made it clear that he wasn’t there to waste my time and guess what? His words and actions actually matched up. Go figure?

appaulse

While I want to run around telling everyone how awesome this guy is (uh, because he IS), I’m really trying to be calm and somewhat coy.

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Everyone doesn’t need to know every single thing we do/say/experience. While we’re very publically in a relationship on facebook (and out in public in general) and our friends/family know we’re in a relationship with one another, I’ve intentionally kept most things just between us and I think he’s ok with that. This is not to say that I’m ashamed of him, because I’m very proud to call him mine… I’m just not big on flaunting relationships on social media because it can be obnoxious after a while. No one cares to see every single thing ya’ll ate or places your happy asses went for 2-7+ consecutive days! FOH.

Our time together is really special to me and I want that to just be shared between the two of us right now.

Yeah, so that’s my update. I don’t care to update about the other boring aspects of my life, because why? No point. All is well.

 

He’s Growing on Me

I’ve been seeing this guy for a little over a month and a half now and I’m finally admitting to myself that we are indeed “dating”.

As much as I tried to deal with this situation completely apathetic and emotionless, I really can’t help but to really like the guy. He’s such a gentleman, he makes me laugh, he’s intelligent, he’s respectful, he can keep a conversation going, he REALLY LISTENS, he’s a total sweetheart and is appropriately affectionate. I feel protected and taken care of while I’m in his presence.

I feel at peace.

It’s still “new”, but I have to say that I’m really impressed with him. I didn’t think it was possible to date someone who was so attentive and caring. I’m curious to see how things unfold. So far we seem to really vibe well together. I guess it doesn’t hurt that our birthdays are literally a week a part (his was last Wednesday, mine is this Wednesday…which is well, tomorrow), so we’re the same zodiac sign.

In other news blast from the past is coming up “for work” starting Thursday (and should be gone Saturday afternoon–well hopefully, since I have plans with new guy that evening). Our last interaction (about three weeks) ago, went well (we even took a short road trip), but reminded me of all of the things I’ve longed for that this new guy offers without hesitation. While I find myself emotionally frustrated with blast from the past, things like this seem effortless with new guy. He has no problem being open and honest about his emotions and how he feels about me. I still like blast from the past, but I feel like there is a massive road block on our journey to work towards anything of substance. We like each other, but that’s about it. It’s been a couple of years now and my patience is paper-thin at this point.

We’ll see what the week unfolds.

To Feel.

I hate to admit this, but it’s scary to feel, because to feel, essentially means being volunerable and I’m at my weakest when I own up to it.

At the same time though, I know I’m truly alive when I  feel. Sometimes it’s a nice reminder that I’m human and that it’s ok not to be perfect.

I’ve been beating myself up quite a bit here lately trying to achieve perfection in many aspects of my life and it’s causing me extreme emotional distress and mental exhaustion. 

More on this later, but needed to regurgitate some late night thoughts. 

Old Flames (that won’t die out)


I believe he really likes me and that’s scary. It’s scary, because I know in the back crevices of my mind that feeling is mutual. Beyond all of his quirkiness, he’s a genuinely sweet guy, that would do just about anything for me without expecting anything in return. He’s really intelligent, funny & independent. We’ve been here before…nearly 4 years ago, when we were actually dating and it was mutually understood that we were progressing towards something serious, but then everything went to shit…

He’s been different lately. He’s really “grown up” in these past few years. He’s not as selfish, he really listens, he fixes things around my house or on my car, loves my cat,  pays for dinner, drinks, movies, he spent 2 hours helping my dad build a gazebo two weeks ago!! He just brought me $100 router because he remembered me mentioning that mine was on the fritz (and he set it up for me)–yes, I know this entire paragraph is a grammatical mess.

What normal friend does any of that?  Don’t get me wrong, my friends are all awesome people, but my point is that they aren’t wining and dining me and trying to impress my parents.

When we talk on the phone he’s  encouraging when I’m stressed & actually asks my how I FEEL instead of being dismissive and rambling on about himself while I just listen. He now says things like, “It’s always good to talk to you”,  “I’m looking forward to seeing you”, or “I really had a good time with you”.

When we’re having a conversation face to face sometimes he’ll just gaze at me and smile, even if I’m not saying anything humorous. It’s like he’s in the clouds.


He often slips up and refers to my place as “home” in letting me know he’s on the way and I don’t correct him. After all, he has a key for a while and every time he leaves, he leaves a trail of his toiletries behind, which I believe is on purpose. Both of my bathrooms are littered with shower gels, shampoos, shaving creams, hair gels, deodorants, toothpastes, mouthwashes, etc. and several articles of his clothing are strung around the house. You would think I have a man living with me full time. I don’t tend to leave things at his place, at least not on purpose. My toiletries cost too much money to part with them for weeks on end like that.

He lives about two hours away now (we used to live in the same city, but he got a new job about 2.5 years ago after stomping on my heart to breifly see someone else), but his company has an office here in town that very frequently (at least lately) seems to send him there. I’m starting to think that he’s just volunteering to come here for any reason at all and using his job as an excuse to visit me. Of course he does visit without coming here for work occasionally.

My assessment with all of this is that he cares and probably wants something more, but may not be confident enough to make that move or may be afraid that he fucked up that opportunity years ago. I’m not always that easy to read, I admit that, but in my defense, I always make it known if I’ve enjoyed someone’s company or if I miss them. I always tell him these things, always have.

Ultimately, it could be a slippery slope though, especially with how things ended the last time we decided to date.Throw in the added complexity of it being long distance (about a 2-2.5 hour drive), and you’ve got a really tricky situation. I value our friendship too much to let that go if things go south (again). Part of me doesn’t want to entertain any part of this charade, because throwing labels on things too quickly can backfire, but at the same time, I’ve had numerous reminders lately that life is moving while I’m still stuck in neutral thinking, “what if”.

I attended an old friend’s baby shower the other day. We’re the same age and she’s married and VERY pregnant. Some other high school acquaintances were there and one of them happened to mention how she had been married for seven years. It really made me wonder where the hell I went wrong in life? Shouldn’t I be married or at least in a serious relationship ?

I know I shouldn’t compare myself to my peers, but it does put a different perspective on this situation and how I want something substainal. I want to know that the guy I’m with is very serious about our relationship and in growing together. I’m getting too old for samples and trial memberships.

Maybe I’m  just realizing that I’m lonely…

 

Down Here.

It’s been about 2 weeks and I still have moments of frustration and bitterness. I’ll have to elaborate on this, but later for sure.

I don’t want to deal with emotions this week. Sooo….I’ll be over here. Yep, down here.

cat hiding