Issa Infatuation?

New week, same shit, same guy.

Last week was my birthday week and it seemed like I celebrated literally all week. Not a bad thing, but in my 29++ age, my body is taking a little longer to recover. During all of this, blast from the past “coincidentally” came to town for work. Skirted in at a little after midnight friday morning and out by early Saturday afternoon. In between the whirlwind “visit”, we basically went to a bar and a half with one of my best friends. I say “and a half”, because he was late to the dinner we were supposed to have, so my bff and I ended up drinking until he arrived. Because my best friend was in tow, there wasn’t much “us” time and most of my memory became hazy after we ubered downtown. For the most part it was good fun, but I’m starting not to feel the same sparks that I used to with him. I know this, because I woke up Saturday hung over, threw on a hoodie, put my hair in a bun and made no effort to doll up. I’m pretty sure I didn’t even put on foundation, maybe just finishing powder over the foundation I slept in the night before, before we went out for breakfast.

Eatin Pants

I had roughly 3 hours between blast from the past leaving and my date with new guy to freshen up and put together an outfit where my girls were sitting pretty. I went from sweats, to contour, sheer shirt and tight jeans. Sure, he was just taking me out for a belated birthday evening (movie, dinner, etc), but I felt compelled to perfect.

I'm a star

The birthday date was typical as some of our other dates have been(all have been wonderful), with the of course added bonus of cake, card and gift! Blah-de-blah. Overall the night was fun, as our dates normally are, but as I invited him back over to my place for an elaborate cuddle and make out session, I kept thinking, “Am I infuriated with this guy?”

Sure, he’s a fabulous guy and I genuinely look forward to our outings dates, but a weird anxiety is starting to creep through my brain, like : how long is this going to last? Will this last? What if this ACTUALLY lasts–what do I do then? Do I even know WHAT I’m DOING?!

nope - prince with monkey

To be honest, there is a part of me that likes him so much because he fills this gaping VOID that I’ve been nursing for a while, but I’m just hoping that this isn’t the MAJORITY of the reason I like him, because he is an amazing guy. I just don’t want to be attached (especially over a silly reason like that), because being attached means potentially being hurt and of course, that’s never my goal.

leo - sick world

Crazy Little Thing Called…

Life has been extremely busy lately, both professionally and socially, but this hasn’t necessarily been a bad thing. While I’ve pulled some long intense days at work, I’ve managed to go out and “be social” every day in the past week (yay). This little accomplishment has helped with stress and my periodic anxiety and depression.

One of the reasons in my boost in social activity has been this guy. We’ve been out two additional times since I wrote that post and they’ve been blast. When I first starting speaking to him, I did anticipate anything worthwhile coming out of our interactions. He was nice, intelligent, adorable and could hold a conversation, but he’s really thrown a wrench in my plans emotions. He’s so attentive, funny, understanding and sweet.

I told myself when I last posted that I was going to refrain from kissing him, but well…I gave into it Saturday night…multiple times and I’m glad that I did. Long story short, we ended the evening at his place just to get out of the cold. He was extremely respectful the entire time.

We went out again Wednesday night after work and spent four hours talking and laughing about our jobs and everything else. It really only felt like half an hour until we both realized we had been sitting there four entire hours. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been engrossed in conversation with someone to the point of losing track of time. Since we parked in opposite directions, he walked me to my car, as he’s done pretty much every time we’ve been out no matter how far away I parked from him and of course we kissed again. I can’t help but to feel kind of giggly afterwards, like I’m back in middle school. I have no idea where that’s coming from other than the fact that I’m deeply conflicted on whether or not I sincerely want to be so free with my emotions right now. He noticed my weird school girlish reaction and told me to let him know if he ever does anything that makes me feel uncomfortable and then I felt like a fool!

Truth be told, I do like him and that scares me, so my defense mechanism is to just goof during our embraces and affections. I think part of me is shocked that he likes me this much and the other part of me is thinking, “surely this will end soon, no need to get attached”. We spoke about this later on in the night (after we both got home) and I assured him by no means is he making me uncomfortable, but that I’m just weird. I told him he was doing “everything right” (which he is). He seemed to understand and reassured me that he, “really liked me and enjoys spending time with me”. We could also be on the same wavelength since I recently found out we’re the same zodiac sign and our birthdays are exactly a week apart.

Oh Boy.

On another semi related note, I’m going out of town this weekend to visit him (situationship guy).Usually I’m over the moon excited about the trip, but this time around I’m kind of indifferent also kind of tired. When we spoke briefly last night, it just felt kind of bland. Maybe I was tired or distracted (I was in walmart), but I couldn’t put my finger on it. He asked me if I could help him get a new mattress since of course I have an suv to tie it to (eye roll).

Really? I am just someone you use to haul your shit now?!

I know he didn’t mean it in that way, but the notion of it slightly agitated me.  Maybe I’m agigtated because I’m starting to realize how it feels to be around someone who is open emotionally and how I know I’m going to go there this weekend to most likely be disappointed by something he does or doesn’t do. Same routine, same song and dance. I don’t know. Maybe he’ll completely prove me wrong. It will be interesting to see how the weekend unfolds. All I know is, the bar has been raised and he better step up. One thing I am doing differently with him this year is not wasting my money on getting him a Valentine’s day gift. Usually we’ll exchange gifts, but since we’re not always around each other on the actual day it’s through the mail, or in his case, comes one or more months later when he comes into town for work (better late than never?).

Welp. Here’s to the freakin’ weekend.

Relatable Girl Talk 

I had dinner last night with two of my old co-workers, who have recently become good friends. Periodically, we like to get together and catch up. We have this sort of bond from surviving the hell hole that was our last job.

Anyway, we’re all ladies of a certain age with somewhat complicated love lives, so that of course came up. I rarely discuss my love life (or lack thereof), but as I listened to theirs, I felt more compelled to open up.

One co-worker told us about how she got pregnant in college with a guy she was only in love with the idea of being with. She told us for the longest time she could see all of his flaws, but just wanted to be with him for the idea of being a family and comfort.

Parts of her story resonated with me, because for the longest time I’ve been semi emotionally attached to a guy that I’ve been in love with the idea of being with romantically. Sure, we did actually date for just under a year (some years ago), he bruised my heart, we reconnected and now have established a situationship of sorts. I like him, but at times I take a step back to think, “do I really like him or is he just a place of comfort for me?” Sure, he’s a flawed individual just like me, but he’s got a heart of gold and I feel really safe with him. He’s respectful and really values morals. While he may be lacking that emotional availability that I’m longing for, I feel secure in the fact that he would never let anything happen to me because my life is precious to him. Does this make us right for one another though? Suppose he has needs (like mine) that I’m seriously lacking in?

Continuing on with the emotional babble,my other co-worker told us how she is “in love” with one of her current co-workers that’s married and supposedly leaving his wife to eventually be with her. This has been going on for a little over a year. While my co-worker has been patiently waiting on him, she’s growing impatient and has suggested he make a decision (her or the wife) in the next few months. She claims to be able to cut him off if he refuses to make a decision soon and has casually been seeing other guys as to trick/distract her mind into thinking she can emotionally separate herself from him. She finds herself comparing every guy she sees to her co-worker and from the start, none of them measure up. She claims you just can’t help who you love and the heart wants what it wants.

Her situation was also relatable to me. While I’m not in love with a married man, I am in like with someone who at times seems conflicted on what he wants. Like her, I’ve been fairly patient, but we’re not getting any younger and it’s starting to frustrate me. It’s like he’s swimming in the comfort of the gray area because he gets the best of both worlds: gets to experience the admiration of someone who thinks the world of him and is fiercely loyal to him (even when he’s being stupid), but doesn’t have to have the accountability of being in a relationship or even emotional availability. I hung on to the hope of all of this panning out last year, but like my co-worker, I’ve taken a step back and very casually (and I do mean casually without a single ounce of emotion) dating. I actually hate dating and the majority of the time I feel like I’m wasting my energy, because it’s rare that a guy even comes close to measuring up to him. So far nothing has come out of it. I’m mostly doing it to keep my mind distracted. I’ve also made it a point to revisit my social life and have made it my goal to go out at least 2-3 times a week, even if it’s just for dinner.

My co-workers gave me a lot to think about last night. We all agreed that guys sometimes take advantage of our loyalty and assume that we’ll be there for them indefinitely, even when they’re not always being there for us in return. We all agreed that we deserve true reciprocation and reassurance. Life is precious, and while giving a guy space to figure out what he wants, it doesn’t mean that we have to sit around not living our lives and fulfilling our needs forever. Perhaps seeing the threat of his “comfort” drifting away will place things into prospective for him.

Well, that’s about all I feel thinking about  for now. I’ll revisit what I want and how I truly feel in the coming weeks when he and I spend the weekend together.

Perceptions

Fairly recently, I’ve come to the conclusion that someone I hold in high regards may not really be the person I think they are and this is primarily my fault. Sure, we all show snippets of who we THINK people REALLY want us to be initially, but that almost always fades, as people can’t continue to keep up that persona.

good-vs-bad

For the better part of four years, I let my imagination and my longing for an organic connection with this person lead me to view them with tinted rose colored glasses. Mostly it’s been fun, but recently it’s just become a frustrating experience.

In my mind, this person has all of the potential in the world, but on the surface, they are who they are and it’s not fair for me to view them as something they’re not. It’s not fair for me to expect them to respond or react to me in a certain way or even fully understand me to the very core of my soul. I’m very caring. I’m strong-willed and stubborn, but awfully fragile. I’m thoughtful, but at times selfish and self-concerned.  I’m an extremely complex person with many layers and I don’t believe I have shown this person ALL of me just yet, though I’m getting there. I’m just afraid of rejection.

This way of thinking has resulted in a great deal of disappointment, hurt feelings, miscommunication, assumptions and aggravation (and probably confusion on their end because they probably have no idea all of this is running through my mind). It’s extremely frustrating and very exhausting. I find myself being moodier and more standoffish these days. I don’t have a lot of patience for shapeless exchanges. This has left a lot of our more recent interactions unfulfilling (to me).

Why can’t this person just think/feel/say [BLANK]???

Because they are not a marionette doll and they are who they are and like everyone else (including me), they are greatly flawed.

pinocchio

They sincerely care. This I do know and in their own unique way they show that, I just have to accept it and understand it. Just because they don’t react or show their appreciation in the same way that I do, doesn’t mean that their heart is not there.

I can’t continue to blame them for their flaws or weaknesses, because that’s simply not fair, even though on the bare minimum side of respect, they should be held accountable in some aspect.

Anyway, it’s not fair for me to hold them to such unrealistic standards, considering my perception of them may not even be who they really are.

I need to figure out why I’m like this and why I sometimes draw up these super unrealistic perceptions of people’s characters (particularly ones that I care about).

||Busy||.

I’ve always considered myself a decent friend to others. I really make a genuine effort to listen, empathize, encourage, console, laugh, love and BE THERE for friends. I do all of this regardless of the amount of times I have to hear an excuse for being cancelled on for the umpteenth time over whatever bullshit and numerous unreturned calls/texts. I shrug it off. I act like everything’s all gravy, but in reality sometimes it isn’t.

“It’s ok, no big deal,” I say with a smile on my face. I’m usually showered in, “you’re so understanding, you’re such a great friend, I’m so lucky to have you in my life blah, blah, blah” and yet I’m left sitting there feeling like I don’t matter. Like I DON’T FUCKING MATTER. I feel like the only time I matter to certain people is when it benefits them and I’ll leave it at that.

Sad-random-24012675-500-334

All of this and I’m usually the initiator. While I don’t mind initiating conversations, outings, whatever, it would be nice for that same level of effort to be returned to me  on a consistent basis at some point. It seems like this is almost impossible to find in people now a days. It’s exhausting and leaves me mostly wanting not to make an effort with anyone. Why bother if I’m going to end up putting the majority of the work into it?

There are a few special people in my life that do (when they can) return the effort, which I really appreciate, but unfortunately, most of these golden gooses aren’t local and our reunions are few and kind of far between.

I’m not even angry, I’m just tired. I’m extremely tired.

People that are special to you should never be made to feel like they aren’t priorities to you, but maybe you’re too busy to see that.

 

Maybe it’s the Hummus talking…

I’m about to spill some much needed T down this page…even if it’s just for my own reality check.

Sidebar: I’m eating hummus in an attempt not to eat junk food.

So ok, I was reading a Twitter thread this morning about the slow death of a situationship/relationship.


The man speaks mad truth & his entire thread was relatable, but it got me to thinking how I have a bad habit of focusing too much on someone’s potential  and not the “here and now” version of them acting a fucking mess right in front of me. This also got me to thinking how I often don’t hold people accountable to even CHOOSE to feel and exhibit/communicate said feelings like an emotionally mature adult. I’ve always tried to see everyone’s good intentions and “hope” that they will eventually act like they have some fucking sense, but in the meantime, I’ll just patiently wait until they do and that can be emotionally frustrating to me.

Fuck. All of that.

That idea of thinking has (at times) landed me in situations where I’ve gotten burned. I was actually in a situation four years ago exactly like the Twitter thread above. I went along with a situation that seemed to be going somewhere and to have it kind of crumble just as quickly as it blossomed.

A little wiser now, I’ve learned a lot from that situation and grown from it. I have a better idea of what I want and more importantly what I need.

It would be easy for me to fall back into old habits with this guy (dating, but sometimes in a relationship, but then situationshipping it), but I deserve better than that & I would hope he realizes he does too. I’ve kept a considerable amount of  distance (technology wise- since we already live in different towns) from him lately, mostly just to back off and do my own thing. No, I’m not angry or upset at him, I just want to kick back in my own thoughts for a spell. We’ve spoken on the phone or through text (mutual initiation) weekly in the past month and I’m A-ok with it.

The hardest part for me is dismissing his horrible habit of selling dreams. He’s such a sweet guy, but he often gets carried away in saying all of this highly sentimental bullshit, which I believe is true, but 50% of the time doesn’t always have the “balls” to back it up/doesn’t know how to show it.

I’m an “actions” person. There is only so much you’re going to be able to say to me before I ask you to “prove it”.

Additional Edit: All the bitter rambling aside, he’s really impressed me with how much he’s grown over the years. He’s almost becoming that guy (emotionally) that I WISH he had been when I dated him. I often wonder what things would be like if things between us actually progressed again.

Restless Sleep

I’ve always enjoyed sleeping. It’s the one activity I can do where I can fully relax and put everything going on in my life aside while I embrace recharging. I have found that my beloved pastime has become a bit of a battle these days.

I’ve been experiencing really rough sleep for past few months. This has gotten progressively worse over the past six to eight weeks. I’m not particularly stressed out, but my body just won’t fully relax. It’s like my body just goes into a state in between being fully awake and asleep.

It seems that out of an entire week I might have one good night of “natural” semi-satisfying sleep, but that’s it. I’ve had to resort to taking melatonin and on really rough days things like Zzzquil just to fall and stay asleep. I hate taking drugs to do something as natural as falling asleep.

Last night, I took half a dose of zzzquil shortly after dinner to wind down after a really busy day at work. Within an hour I was sleepy and crawled into bed to start my sleep. In the 9-10 hours I was in bed, I must have woken up at least five times, like actively WOKE all the way up, looked at my phone, thought about an email I needed to send to my boss or wondered to the bathroom or somewhere else in my house. It was bizarre, because I still felt extremely tired, but my body abruptly felt like it was time to get up over and over. It’s like my wake/sleep signals are misfiring. Taking things like melatonin and zzzquil (even in half doses) used to knock me out cold for at least eight hours of uninterrupted sleep, but not so much anymore. I’ve also started noticing that I have some extremely bizarre dreams whenever I take them.

On top of my nighttime sleeping patterns being all over the place, I find myself in a haze or not feeling fully rested throughout the day. This is starting to make it difficult to have the motivation to do anything other than going to and from work and I often find myself in kind of a shitty mood when I get like this.  I literally don’t have the energy most days to even make dinner. Some days are worse than others, but today I feel extremely rundown. Even coffee and energy drinks really don’t help on these days.

I don’t know what’s going on with me. Maybe this is my anxiety peaking it’s ugly face out from hibernation or maybe it’s something else. I’ve made an appointment to see a doctor about this, so hopefully I can find some relief soon.

“Greging”

settle
I’ve been watching the show, “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” a lot lately. While quite silly, the show takes a stab at some pretty interesting human interactions.

Take one of the main characters, “Greg” for instance. For lack of giving the entire show away, he’s an on again, off again love interest of the show’s star, “Rebecca” (or “Becks”). Josh is not her main love interest though and their “relationship” seems to yo-yo off of the following:

  • She’s bored
  • She’s drunk
  • She’s lonely
  • Her main love interest isn’t paying attention to her

All the while, Greg really likes her, even through her crazy and eratic behavior.

Watching the show got me to thinking, have I ever “greged” anyone?


The short answer to that is, yes, but it’s more of an unintentional thing. There have been times in life where I’ve entertained guys that I wasn’t entirely interested in, but for whatever reason he held just the bare amount of my attention for it to be fun for a season.

Of course, I know this is a horrible thing to do, because no one deserves to be “settled on”. Usually once I realize I’m doing something even remotely similar to this, I try to make it a point not to prolong it.

On the flip side, I know I’ve also been “greged” and while it sucks, I’m more than ok now.

Anyway, I’m not currently “greging” anyone at the moment, but in the show’s own silly way, it heightened my awareness to not:

  1. Settle for someone
  2. Fuck with someone’s emotions
  3. Keep an open mind

Welp, here’s to making it a great Friday.

Texting with a Side of You

He and I were having a casual dinner out Sunday night at one of our his favorite BBQ places. The night was young, “America” was all in the air, the brews were flowing and there he sat…dicking around on his goddamn phone.

spiderman

At first I kind of let it go, because after all, we just spent the ENTIRE day together (which was fun), not to mention most of the previous day together as well (which was also amazing), so what’s a little thumb action on the phone, eh?

Well, 15-20 minutes later the fucking thing is still in his face, he hasn’t uttered a word and I’m like:

kayne - really

This continues until our food comes. By the time our food got there I was infuriated. I’ll blame most of this on PMSing, but at least 30% of my anger was actually rightfully due to being offended. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I believe when you are out with someone, romantic or not, you should FOCUS on engaging and interacting with them in real time, especially if you don’t see them on a regular basis.

It drives me crazy now a days how this has become more and more “acceptable” in society to be so “connected”. People are attached to their fucking phones like a ball and chain and it’s sickening. I remember 10-12 years ago (I’m really aging myself now), I could go out with my friends and we would actually spend time with each other. We only involved our phones to CALL each other to make plans TO hangout. At sixteen, my parents gave me a phone in case of car troubles (I drove a 25 year old car at the time) and I had to be FORCED to use it, because I would never use it or even turn it on. I don’t think I regularly started using my phone for texting or otherwise until I was at least a sophomore in college, but even now it just seems inappropriate to play around on my phone while I’m out with someone, because I know I can’t possibly dick around on my phone that intently AND fully engage myself in a face to face conversation at the same time.

I get that we’re in the age of technology, but I feel like our interactions with each other have become shapeless in a way, because we’re always so anxious to stay connected, to look something up,  to know what’s going on, on our phones, instead of what’s going on right in front of our faces. I’m guilty of it from time to time too, but I’ve been really trying to make a conscience effort to do not do it when I’m out people. ESPECIALLY people I genuinely like spending time with.

Sorry for the tangent, there…

I didn’t bring up my annoyance with him being on his phone at dinner that evening (even though he could tell something was wrong by how quiet I was being the rest of the night). I would have been too upset and might have approached the situation in less of a logical way, so I waited until I the following day after breakfast when I was showered and well rested. We discussed it and he was extremely apologetic about the entire situation. Turns out he hadn’t even realized that he was doing it. He explained that he at times has “tunnel vision” or can be “obsessive” over things to the point of blocking everything else around him out. What was he being “obsessive” about? Building a computer and researching the parts to order online. Which he admitted to the fact that he really could have done that at ANY time. He made sure to go on and on and on the rest of the day about how much fun he has when we’re together and how he really appreciates my company and how he can’t wait until we see each other again.

Ok, that was nice…I just want him to make it a point to not do that again, at least not going on twenty minutes straight.

Oddly enough, I spoke with my mom about this earlier tonight and she didn’t see what the big deal was. This guy can literally do nothing wrong in my mom’s eyes, I swear. Yes, my mom, who is almost 60 said this to me. My mom is also more active on social media than I am, so there’s that. I bet you if she was speaking to me I was on my phone for twenty minutes straight, she wouldn’t agree so much then, would she?

I smell a challenge.

Eggs in the Can

A funny thing happened to me over the weekend. I felt compelled to wake up an extra hour or so early (after about 3 hours total of sleep) to make a full fledged breakfast for him.

To be honest, I’m not super domesticated, but something inside of me really wanted to do something nice for him. After all, whenever he visits or I visit him, he practically pays for everything, drives everywhere and does oddball home, computer or othet misc technical repairs for me,

 ✌🏾️just because ✌🏾️.

I feel kind of damsel in distress around him, minus the fact that he sincerely thinks I’m intelligent and strong willed, yet very sweet and thoughtful. 

Anyway, I got to thinking, what can I do as a nice gesture? He even upped the anty by bringing me a souvenir from Disney World (he was there with family a few weeks ago, mostly for his niece) and that shit can get expensive. I felt flattered that he thought enough of me to bring me back a gift from nearly twelve hours away. While I couldn’t do something like Disney, I could cook. All men like eating, especially him. He’s a bonifide “breakfast” person, so A-ha.

I got up at 5 a.m. Friday morning after he kept me out til 1:30 a.m. (he got in late to my late and took me out for drinks for a bitch to catch up) or so to make pancakes, eggs and bacon as he slept peacefully, completely unaware of what I was doing. I even made him iced coffee, which he swears by. 20 or so minutes of mixing and flipping and breakfast was finished. I carefully brought the food to him just as he was waking up and he was super appreciative, but I was running late for work by this point so I didn’t stick around.

Fast forward  to yesterday when I’m contemplating taking out the trash to notice some eggs dangling over the corner of the trash can and since I haven’t had eggs recently, I knew they were from him.

So ok, part of me feels slightly offended, like I made this shit for you, dude, how dare you dispose of it, but the other part of me tried the eggs and unfortunately, they were not my greatest scrambled eggs to date, so I understand. Regardless of the reasoning behind the eggs in the can, he repeatedly thanked me for the kind gesture of making him breakfast throughout the weekend.

Aww.

The eggs in that trashcan got me to thinking how I would respond if our roles were switched or if there had ever been a time he ever cooked me anything (NEVER), or given me something I wasn’t exactly a fond of. There was a time many moons ago when we were actually dating and he brought me stuff from comic con, that was kind of meh, but I still have the comic book and wear the t-shirt inside my house occasionally. I was very nice of him to even think enough of me to bring me anything at all. Cooking wise though he doesn’t cook, but there has been a time or two where he treated me to dinner someplace that was horrible, lol. I choose not to say anything and thanked him for it anyway. 

All in all, I’m not really offended, I at least appreciate that he appreciated my effort. And hey, he ate the pancakes and bacon. That’s all I really ask.