It’s Ok to Not Be Ok.

So, it turns out that I’m not completely crazy and my anxious episodes were justified. I originally started writing this post a few days ago…but saved it as a draft to come back to. Read More

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Swimming in Anxiety

I’ve been fairly anxious these last few days and it seems that the issue is only getting worse. I usually do an ok job managing it with coping mechanisms and medication, but I started to run low on medication and skipped days here and there, only taking the medicine a day or two here and there over the course of about two weeks. Not to mention, the past two weeks have been jam packed with chaos and at times, stress. Why didn’t I simply refill my medication? It’s expensive and I wanted to wait until I got paid again (tomorrow) to refill it and I’ve been running in so many directions lately, I just haven’t given myself time to actively refill it, pick it up, etc.

Anyway, the issue really came to head a little over 48 hours ago when I was sitting beside of my boyfriend, on his couch as we binged watch Narcos (which by the way, the main character had an anxiety attack in one of the episodes we watched — not to mention most of the things going on in the show are highly anxiety triggering anyway). We had been watching the show several hours by this point and the BF was extremely exhausted (which he had been for most of that day). We had spent the better part of the previous 48 hours together and all of our activities were starting to wear him down. After all, we spent most of that particular day doing “couple” things like visiting a pumpkin patch to get pumpkins and taking a distillery tour with whiskey samples. That’s enough to make anyone tired, but three days in a row, even if you *really* love spending time with someone can be a lot. “Overexposure”, if you will. While under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have suggested we spend that much consecutive time together (especially considering we road tripped last weekend), but I’ll be out of the country for an entire week starting Saturday, so I didn’t think much into our obsessive amount of time together this past weekend too much. Logically, I understand this (how you can simply feel exhausted just from actively entertaining/spending time with someone) and by no means SHOULD have thought twice about it. He’s always been fairly straightforward with me, so if there was an issue with me being there, he probably would have said so…plus, none of his actions changed (we still cuddled, we still spoke, laughed, ate dinner together, etc), he was just exhausted and not his usual high energy self.

My anxiety on the other hand came up with this insane notion on how he probably felt smothered, I was putting a wrench in his plans, I was overstaying my welcome, he probably wanted me to go home so he could be lazy in peace, and so on. These thoughts consumed me in through Sunday even after I left and went back to my place. The thoughts bothered me so much yesterday, that I ended up having to self medicate in order to get through the rest of my day. that I had to take a nap just to get through the rest of the day (and advil PM to fall asleep that night). I worried all day about how my actions could have possibly made him second guess whether or not our relationship was a good idea or something he even wanted to continue to pursue. I hung on to every word he said verbally and his text messages over the past two days….I dissected them…trying to read between the lines when there was really nothing there to “read”… Omg! What have I done?!

Even in briefly talking to him via text yesterday evening (as we usually do on evenings where we’re not together) and I mentioned feeling bad for basically interrupting his “relaxation time”. His response was very simple:

“It’s ok, babe. I had fun anyway.”

Anyway?

You would think his response would have been enough to put that crazy notion to bed, but then I wondered..what if he doesn’t really mean that and was just trying to be nice? What if, what if, what if, what if…

Today has been no better and I need to let him know what’s going on so he understands that part of this insanity is something I’m not able to control until my medicine fully kicks back into its normal cycle. I’ve mentioned having anxiety to him briefly via text message, but I never went into any detail, just said, “I’ll explain it in my detail later.” Well, about two months later and I never got around to it and now this and he hasn’t asked about it either, though perhaps it just hasn’t come up in conversation.

What I struggle with is just how to tell him. I want to be clear and up front about how being anxious really affects many aspects of my life (sleeping patterns, eating habits, the ability to concentrate, frequent headaches or simply “not feeling well”, inability to comprehend or fully believe him when he says I’m not bothering him…etc). I know he will listen and may not be TOO judgemental , but anxiety is such a broad and heavily layered mental illness that goes through phases and intensity levels. For me, it even goes “dormant” sometimes and then shows up again out of the blue in full force. Crazy things trigger it that sometimes medicine doesn’t even fully help.

I stumbled across this article about telling someone you’re in a relationship about the illness. The article (well letter) was well written and hits the nail on the head for how it feels to deal with anxiety.

Anyway, here’s to hoping I feel better soon.

Issa Infatuation?

New week, same shit, same guy.

Last week was my birthday week and it seemed like I celebrated literally all week. Not a bad thing, but in my 29++ age, my body is taking a little longer to recover. During all of this, blast from the past “coincidentally” came to town for work. Skirted in at a little after midnight friday morning and out by early Saturday afternoon. In between the whirlwind “visit”, we basically went to a bar and a half with one of my best friends. I say “and a half”, because he was late to the dinner we were supposed to have, so my bff and I ended up drinking until he arrived. Because my best friend was in tow, there wasn’t much “us” time and most of my memory became hazy after we ubered downtown. For the most part it was good fun, but I’m starting not to feel the same sparks that I used to with him. I know this, because I woke up Saturday hung over, threw on a hoodie, put my hair in a bun and made no effort to doll up. I’m pretty sure I didn’t even put on foundation, maybe just finishing powder over the foundation I slept in the night before, before we went out for breakfast.

Eatin Pants

I had roughly 3 hours between blast from the past leaving and my date with new guy to freshen up and put together an outfit where my girls were sitting pretty. I went from sweats, to contour, sheer shirt and tight jeans. Sure, he was just taking me out for a belated birthday evening (movie, dinner, etc), but I felt compelled to perfect.

I'm a star

The birthday date was typical as some of our other dates have been(all have been wonderful), with the of course added bonus of cake, card and gift! Blah-de-blah. Overall the night was fun, as our dates normally are, but as I invited him back over to my place for an elaborate cuddle and make out session, I kept thinking, “Am I infuriated with this guy?”

Sure, he’s a fabulous guy and I genuinely look forward to our outings dates, but a weird anxiety is starting to creep through my brain, like : how long is this going to last? Will this last? What if this ACTUALLY lasts–what do I do then? Do I even know WHAT I’m DOING?!

nope - prince with monkey

To be honest, there is a part of me that likes him so much because he fills this gaping VOID that I’ve been nursing for a while, but I’m just hoping that this isn’t the MAJORITY of the reason I like him, because he is an amazing guy. I just don’t want to be attached (especially over a silly reason like that), because being attached means potentially being hurt and of course, that’s never my goal.

leo - sick world

Crazy Little Thing Called…

Life has been extremely busy lately, both professionally and socially, but this hasn’t necessarily been a bad thing. While I’ve pulled some long intense days at work, I’ve managed to go out and “be social” every day in the past week (yay). This little accomplishment has helped with stress and my periodic anxiety and depression.

One of the reasons in my boost in social activity has been this guy. We’ve been out two additional times since I wrote that post and they’ve been blast. When I first starting speaking to him, I did anticipate anything worthwhile coming out of our interactions. He was nice, intelligent, adorable and could hold a conversation, but he’s really thrown a wrench in my plans emotions. He’s so attentive, funny, understanding and sweet.

I told myself when I last posted that I was going to refrain from kissing him, but well…I gave into it Saturday night…multiple times and I’m glad that I did. Long story short, we ended the evening at his place just to get out of the cold. He was extremely respectful the entire time.

We went out again Wednesday night after work and spent four hours talking and laughing about our jobs and everything else. It really only felt like half an hour until we both realized we had been sitting there four entire hours. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been engrossed in conversation with someone to the point of losing track of time. Since we parked in opposite directions, he walked me to my car, as he’s done pretty much every time we’ve been out no matter how far away I parked from him and of course we kissed again. I can’t help but to feel kind of giggly afterwards, like I’m back in middle school. I have no idea where that’s coming from other than the fact that I’m deeply conflicted on whether or not I sincerely want to be so free with my emotions right now. He noticed my weird school girlish reaction and told me to let him know if he ever does anything that makes me feel uncomfortable and then I felt like a fool!

Truth be told, I do like him and that scares me, so my defense mechanism is to just goof during our embraces and affections. I think part of me is shocked that he likes me this much and the other part of me is thinking, “surely this will end soon, no need to get attached”. We spoke about this later on in the night (after we both got home) and I assured him by no means is he making me uncomfortable, but that I’m just weird. I told him he was doing “everything right” (which he is). He seemed to understand and reassured me that he, “really liked me and enjoys spending time with me”. We could also be on the same wavelength since I recently found out we’re the same zodiac sign and our birthdays are exactly a week apart.

Oh Boy.

On another semi related note, I’m going out of town this weekend to visit him (situationship guy).Usually I’m over the moon excited about the trip, but this time around I’m kind of indifferent also kind of tired. When we spoke briefly last night, it just felt kind of bland. Maybe I was tired or distracted (I was in walmart), but I couldn’t put my finger on it. He asked me if I could help him get a new mattress since of course I have an suv to tie it to (eye roll).

Really? I am just someone you use to haul your shit now?!

I know he didn’t mean it in that way, but the notion of it slightly agitated me.  Maybe I’m agigtated because I’m starting to realize how it feels to be around someone who is open emotionally and how I know I’m going to go there this weekend to most likely be disappointed by something he does or doesn’t do. Same routine, same song and dance. I don’t know. Maybe he’ll completely prove me wrong. It will be interesting to see how the weekend unfolds. All I know is, the bar has been raised and he better step up. One thing I am doing differently with him this year is not wasting my money on getting him a Valentine’s day gift. Usually we’ll exchange gifts, but since we’re not always around each other on the actual day it’s through the mail, or in his case, comes one or more months later when he comes into town for work (better late than never?).

Welp. Here’s to the freakin’ weekend.

Relatable Girl Talk 

I had dinner last night with two of my old co-workers, who have recently become good friends. Periodically, we like to get together and catch up. We have this sort of bond from surviving the hell hole that was our last job.

Anyway, we’re all ladies of a certain age with somewhat complicated love lives, so that of course came up. I rarely discuss my love life (or lack thereof), but as I listened to theirs, I felt more compelled to open up.

One co-worker told us about how she got pregnant in college with a guy she was only in love with the idea of being with. She told us for the longest time she could see all of his flaws, but just wanted to be with him for the idea of being a family and comfort.

Parts of her story resonated with me, because for the longest time I’ve been semi emotionally attached to a guy that I’ve been in love with the idea of being with romantically. Sure, we did actually date for just under a year (some years ago), he bruised my heart, we reconnected and now have established a situationship of sorts. I like him, but at times I take a step back to think, “do I really like him or is he just a place of comfort for me?” Sure, he’s a flawed individual just like me, but he’s got a heart of gold and I feel really safe with him. He’s respectful and really values morals. While he may be lacking that emotional availability that I’m longing for, I feel secure in the fact that he would never let anything happen to me because my life is precious to him. Does this make us right for one another though? Suppose he has needs (like mine) that I’m seriously lacking in?

Continuing on with the emotional babble,my other co-worker told us how she is “in love” with one of her current co-workers that’s married and supposedly leaving his wife to eventually be with her. This has been going on for a little over a year. While my co-worker has been patiently waiting on him, she’s growing impatient and has suggested he make a decision (her or the wife) in the next few months. She claims to be able to cut him off if he refuses to make a decision soon and has casually been seeing other guys as to trick/distract her mind into thinking she can emotionally separate herself from him. She finds herself comparing every guy she sees to her co-worker and from the start, none of them measure up. She claims you just can’t help who you love and the heart wants what it wants.

Her situation was also relatable to me. While I’m not in love with a married man, I am in like with someone who at times seems conflicted on what he wants. Like her, I’ve been fairly patient, but we’re not getting any younger and it’s starting to frustrate me. It’s like he’s swimming in the comfort of the gray area because he gets the best of both worlds: gets to experience the admiration of someone who thinks the world of him and is fiercely loyal to him (even when he’s being stupid), but doesn’t have to have the accountability of being in a relationship or even emotional availability. I hung on to the hope of all of this panning out last year, but like my co-worker, I’ve taken a step back and very casually (and I do mean casually without a single ounce of emotion) dating. I actually hate dating and the majority of the time I feel like I’m wasting my energy, because it’s rare that a guy even comes close to measuring up to him. So far nothing has come out of it. I’m mostly doing it to keep my mind distracted. I’ve also made it a point to revisit my social life and have made it my goal to go out at least 2-3 times a week, even if it’s just for dinner.

My co-workers gave me a lot to think about last night. We all agreed that guys sometimes take advantage of our loyalty and assume that we’ll be there for them indefinitely, even when they’re not always being there for us in return. We all agreed that we deserve true reciprocation and reassurance. Life is precious, and while giving a guy space to figure out what he wants, it doesn’t mean that we have to sit around not living our lives and fulfilling our needs forever. Perhaps seeing the threat of his “comfort” drifting away will place things into prospective for him.

Well, that’s about all I feel thinking about  for now. I’ll revisit what I want and how I truly feel in the coming weeks when he and I spend the weekend together.

Perceptions

Fairly recently, I’ve come to the conclusion that someone I hold in high regards may not really be the person I think they are and this is primarily my fault. Sure, we all show snippets of who we THINK people REALLY want us to be initially, but that almost always fades, as people can’t continue to keep up that persona.

good-vs-bad

For the better part of four years, I let my imagination and my longing for an organic connection with this person lead me to view them with tinted rose colored glasses. Mostly it’s been fun, but recently it’s just become a frustrating experience.

In my mind, this person has all of the potential in the world, but on the surface, they are who they are and it’s not fair for me to view them as something they’re not. It’s not fair for me to expect them to respond or react to me in a certain way or even fully understand me to the very core of my soul. I’m very caring. I’m strong-willed and stubborn, but awfully fragile. I’m thoughtful, but at times selfish and self-concerned.  I’m an extremely complex person with many layers and I don’t believe I have shown this person ALL of me just yet, though I’m getting there. I’m just afraid of rejection.

This way of thinking has resulted in a great deal of disappointment, hurt feelings, miscommunication, assumptions and aggravation (and probably confusion on their end because they probably have no idea all of this is running through my mind). It’s extremely frustrating and very exhausting. I find myself being moodier and more standoffish these days. I don’t have a lot of patience for shapeless exchanges. This has left a lot of our more recent interactions unfulfilling (to me).

Why can’t this person just think/feel/say [BLANK]???

Because they are not a marionette doll and they are who they are and like everyone else (including me), they are greatly flawed.

pinocchio

They sincerely care. This I do know and in their own unique way they show that, I just have to accept it and understand it. Just because they don’t react or show their appreciation in the same way that I do, doesn’t mean that their heart is not there.

I can’t continue to blame them for their flaws or weaknesses, because that’s simply not fair, even though on the bare minimum side of respect, they should be held accountable in some aspect.

Anyway, it’s not fair for me to hold them to such unrealistic standards, considering my perception of them may not even be who they really are.

I need to figure out why I’m like this and why I sometimes draw up these super unrealistic perceptions of people’s characters (particularly ones that I care about).

||Busy||.

I’ve always considered myself a decent friend to others. I really make a genuine effort to listen, empathize, encourage, console, laugh, love and BE THERE for friends. I do all of this regardless of the amount of times I have to hear an excuse for being cancelled on for the umpteenth time over whatever bullshit and numerous unreturned calls/texts. I shrug it off. I act like everything’s all gravy, but in reality sometimes it isn’t.

“It’s ok, no big deal,” I say with a smile on my face. I’m usually showered in, “you’re so understanding, you’re such a great friend, I’m so lucky to have you in my life blah, blah, blah” and yet I’m left sitting there feeling like I don’t matter. Like I DON’T FUCKING MATTER. I feel like the only time I matter to certain people is when it benefits them and I’ll leave it at that.

Sad-random-24012675-500-334

All of this and I’m usually the initiator. While I don’t mind initiating conversations, outings, whatever, it would be nice for that same level of effort to be returned to me  on a consistent basis at some point. It seems like this is almost impossible to find in people now a days. It’s exhausting and leaves me mostly wanting not to make an effort with anyone. Why bother if I’m going to end up putting the majority of the work into it?

There are a few special people in my life that do (when they can) return the effort, which I really appreciate, but unfortunately, most of these golden gooses aren’t local and our reunions are few and kind of far between.

I’m not even angry, I’m just tired. I’m extremely tired.

People that are special to you should never be made to feel like they aren’t priorities to you, but maybe you’re too busy to see that.

 

Maybe it’s the Hummus talking…

I’m about to spill some much needed T down this page…even if it’s just for my own reality check.

Sidebar: I’m eating hummus in an attempt not to eat junk food.

So ok, I was reading a Twitter thread this morning about the slow death of a situationship/relationship.


The man speaks mad truth & his entire thread was relatable, but it got me to thinking how I have a bad habit of focusing too much on someone’s potential  and not the “here and now” version of them acting a fucking mess right in front of me. This also got me to thinking how I often don’t hold people accountable to even CHOOSE to feel and exhibit/communicate said feelings like an emotionally mature adult. I’ve always tried to see everyone’s good intentions and “hope” that they will eventually act like they have some fucking sense, but in the meantime, I’ll just patiently wait until they do and that can be emotionally frustrating to me.

Fuck. All of that.

That idea of thinking has (at times) landed me in situations where I’ve gotten burned. I was actually in a situation four years ago exactly like the Twitter thread above. I went along with a situation that seemed to be going somewhere and to have it kind of crumble just as quickly as it blossomed.

A little wiser now, I’ve learned a lot from that situation and grown from it. I have a better idea of what I want and more importantly what I need.

It would be easy for me to fall back into old habits with this guy (dating, but sometimes in a relationship, but then situationshipping it), but I deserve better than that & I would hope he realizes he does too. I’ve kept a considerable amount of  distance (technology wise- since we already live in different towns) from him lately, mostly just to back off and do my own thing. No, I’m not angry or upset at him, I just want to kick back in my own thoughts for a spell. We’ve spoken on the phone or through text (mutual initiation) weekly in the past month and I’m A-ok with it.

The hardest part for me is dismissing his horrible habit of selling dreams. He’s such a sweet guy, but he often gets carried away in saying all of this highly sentimental bullshit, which I believe is true, but 50% of the time doesn’t always have the “balls” to back it up/doesn’t know how to show it.

I’m an “actions” person. There is only so much you’re going to be able to say to me before I ask you to “prove it”.

Additional Edit: All the bitter rambling aside, he’s really impressed me with how much he’s grown over the years. He’s almost becoming that guy (emotionally) that I WISH he had been when I dated him. I often wonder what things would be like if things between us actually progressed again.

Restless Sleep

I’ve always enjoyed sleeping. It’s the one activity I can do where I can fully relax and put everything going on in my life aside while I embrace recharging. I have found that my beloved pastime has become a bit of a battle these days.

I’ve been experiencing really rough sleep for past few months. This has gotten progressively worse over the past six to eight weeks. I’m not particularly stressed out, but my body just won’t fully relax. It’s like my body just goes into a state in between being fully awake and asleep.

It seems that out of an entire week I might have one good night of “natural” semi-satisfying sleep, but that’s it. I’ve had to resort to taking melatonin and on really rough days things like Zzzquil just to fall and stay asleep. I hate taking drugs to do something as natural as falling asleep.

Last night, I took half a dose of zzzquil shortly after dinner to wind down after a really busy day at work. Within an hour I was sleepy and crawled into bed to start my sleep. In the 9-10 hours I was in bed, I must have woken up at least five times, like actively WOKE all the way up, looked at my phone, thought about an email I needed to send to my boss or wondered to the bathroom or somewhere else in my house. It was bizarre, because I still felt extremely tired, but my body abruptly felt like it was time to get up over and over. It’s like my wake/sleep signals are misfiring. Taking things like melatonin and zzzquil (even in half doses) used to knock me out cold for at least eight hours of uninterrupted sleep, but not so much anymore. I’ve also started noticing that I have some extremely bizarre dreams whenever I take them.

On top of my nighttime sleeping patterns being all over the place, I find myself in a haze or not feeling fully rested throughout the day. This is starting to make it difficult to have the motivation to do anything other than going to and from work and I often find myself in kind of a shitty mood when I get like this.  I literally don’t have the energy most days to even make dinner. Some days are worse than others, but today I feel extremely rundown. Even coffee and energy drinks really don’t help on these days.

I don’t know what’s going on with me. Maybe this is my anxiety peaking it’s ugly face out from hibernation or maybe it’s something else. I’ve made an appointment to see a doctor about this, so hopefully I can find some relief soon.

“Greging”

settle
I’ve been watching the show, “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” a lot lately. While quite silly, the show takes a stab at some pretty interesting human interactions.

Take one of the main characters, “Greg” for instance. For lack of giving the entire show away, he’s an on again, off again love interest of the show’s star, “Rebecca” (or “Becks”). Josh is not her main love interest though and their “relationship” seems to yo-yo off of the following:

  • She’s bored
  • She’s drunk
  • She’s lonely
  • Her main love interest isn’t paying attention to her

All the while, Greg really likes her, even through her crazy and eratic behavior.

Watching the show got me to thinking, have I ever “greged” anyone?


The short answer to that is, yes, but it’s more of an unintentional thing. There have been times in life where I’ve entertained guys that I wasn’t entirely interested in, but for whatever reason he held just the bare amount of my attention for it to be fun for a season.

Of course, I know this is a horrible thing to do, because no one deserves to be “settled on”. Usually once I realize I’m doing something even remotely similar to this, I try to make it a point not to prolong it.

On the flip side, I know I’ve also been “greged” and while it sucks, I’m more than ok now.

Anyway, I’m not currently “greging” anyone at the moment, but in the show’s own silly way, it heightened my awareness to not:

  1. Settle for someone
  2. Fuck with someone’s emotions
  3. Keep an open mind

Welp, here’s to making it a great Friday.