Running on Social Fumes

I’ve always been a naturally introverted person. I get the most peace and satisfaction out of doing quiet “smaller group” activities/hobbies with close friends/loved ones (or even by myself) than I do in mass crowds of people I don’t know very well in loud/chaotic environments that I’m not quite familiar with.

This is not to say that I am not an open-minded person and that I do not try new things/experiences or enjoy meeting new people, I just approach it all a little differently than I think I should. Somewhat cautiously at times.

For instance, I truly believe that I’ve learned in my 30+ years of life that there are two very prominent versions of me (with subcategories of course). I touch on those subcategories here, but in a nutshell, there is the true introverted me and then there is the “pretending to be extroverted” me. I’ve taken the “test” and while I’m fairly close to the center (having both introverted and extroverted qualities), I feel more natural as an introvert and I’m reminded of this in extended situations where I am unable to “recharge” appropriately.

For example, last week I was on a business trip for the entire week attending a conference. Typically when I travel for work I usually build in one “solo day” (usually the day before business or day after business has ended) where I explore whatever city I’m in and gather myself prior to (or after) dealing with an extremely long duration of social interaction. I love this alone time. Doing this usually helps to reprogram my mind so that I appear “put together” and “well rested”. Granted, most of the people who attend the conference I went to last week are colleagues of mine (scattered across the country) in the field that “I know”, but it’s still draining to spend all day networking, collaborating and doing dinner/drinks to chit-chat about our lives outside of the office. I can lay on the charm decently enough I believe, as I’ve spent nearly a decade working on this “skill”.  I laugh and smile constantly, compliment those in my presence, act genuinely concerned or interested in news (both good and bad) they care to share and I always wish them the best with all of their endeavors (and I mostly mean it). On business trips though–unlike an actual 8 hour work day, there is very little “off time”. From sun up to sun down there is consistent interaction and it’s draining. I can usually keep the energized extroverted version of me going for a good little while until I abruptly hit a wall and run out of gas.  I can recall feeling somewhat “energized” earlier in the week and even earlier parts of each day, but towards the end of the week I had very little drive or motivation to be overly friendly and talkative and really just wanted to be alone. It was like the social side of my brain had gone on a hiatus. I remember attempting to have a quiet breakfast in the hotel on my last day of the trip, only to be met one after the other with an eventual table FULL of my colleagues who didn’t want me to have breakfast alone.

But that was the point.

It took me nearly a day after returning home to gather myself enough to jump back into my routine and even in making plans with my boyfriend, I opted for the day after my return and for a quiet evening “in” (as opposed to us “going out”). Luckily my very sweet boyfriend (mostly) understands this and “gets me” as he is also an introverted-at-times-pretending-to-be-extroverted, as well. Having my solo time the day I arrived home and then our lax 1-on-1 time “in” really helped me recharge socially in order to take on my week. It’s like I gained an extra boost of energy…that will later be depleted.

Speaking of the boyfriend and being social, I’m in this continuous cycle of basically meeting everyone in his life (which is very flattering, but at times overwhelming). I’ve met his best friends, his friend-friends, his co-workers, his boss, neighbors, S.O.s of his friends, old friends, new friends, acquaintances… and so on and soon to be his family (this weekend). As I mentioned a few weeks back, we’re heading to his best friend’s wedding (that he’s in) this weekend and because the wedding is in the town he “sort of” grew up in, we’re staying with his family.

nervous

While in the back of my mind I’ve sort of seen this as kinda being a “big deal”, the idea of it all really hit home while at his best friend’s soon-to-be-bride’s impromptu bachelorette gathering (I won’t go into detail about how last-minute and highly unorganized this was and how it almost interfered with our planned night in time). I sat there nursing a beer and chatting with the ladies (you know, “making nice”) because I want to be a good girlfriend and genuinely be warm and friendly to the people in his life. They are all either married, engaged or in longish-term relationships with friends of his.

They talked about the wedding and all of the activities in between and how much fun it will be! And how as a group, we were going to do all of these *really* fun things! All I could think of how the constant “togetherness” of being around all of his friends (and then family during times where we’re NOT doing wedding activities) was going to be exhausting. Like really exhausting. Fun, but the kind of exhaustion that may require some down time when I return home. I thought about how the only “down time” I’d have to really “recharge” would be the drive there and back where we’d have a few hours of just “us” time..but NOPE! Apparently as of today an out-of-town college buddy of his (who I have not met yet)  will be joining us on this journey to the wedding so now even the car ride over and back will involve, “putting on the extroverted charm so that I don’t appear cold or distant”, social interaction.

Jesus lord.

This week I can’t even mentally prepare for all of that togetherness (for this weekend) because he wants me to meet old high school buddies of his that are in town this evening and more co-workers on Wednesday (I feel like when we started dating he didn’t even regularly hangout with THIS many people–wtf) And I can’t say no…what kind of girlfriend would I be (maybe a more socially energized one)?

Through all of this potentially social, stressful and draining hoo-ha, the one silver lining here is something his best friend’s wife told me on Saturday during our “girls afternoon out” that sort of put all of this into perspective:

I’ve never seen — so happy before and I’ve known him and my husband since college. Whenever I’m around you two, you have this really strong connection and I can tell you are both genuinely crazy about each other. It’s sweet. I remember watching the two of you interact a few weeks ago at dinner and it was THE sweetest thing. You guys just “get” each other and it seems like you’ve been together years.

He’s also very protective of his family and even — has only met his dad ONCE (in passing) and they’ve been best friends for like a decade! The fact that he’s intentionally taking you to MEET his family and stay with them is a big deal (to him).

We think the absolute world of you and we’re so happy that you two are together!

No pressure, right?

crazy rich asian gif.gif

I hope this weekend doesn’t turn out like Crazy Rich Asians.

 

Advertisements

Dark Horse.

I woke up around 11 a.m. yesterday in a mild state of confusion before remembering the night before. No, I was not heavily intoxicated, drugged or in any other sense of the word experiencing some out of body experience. I was simply just regaining consciousness after a string of days with minimal sleep.

Good Morning, Sleepyhead” a familiar voice said, while greeting me with a gentle forehead kiss. The voice calmed my somewhat rattled nerves and suddenly I wasn’t entirely concerned about getting such a late start to my day.

Let’s rewind a bit…

I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve been moving in far too many directions these past few weeks, mostly due to work (I’ve been pulling quite a bit of OT), but some due to my personal life too. When we last left off, I had decided to “end things” with BF and I did. I’m not quite sure how I expected that to go, but I found myself feeling surprisingly indifferent about him and the relationship/situation in the past few weeks. When I took a week or two to distance myself from him physically, it really helped me to see clearly and understand that I don’t have time to entertain that type of relationship. When I told him this, he at first seemed a bit annoyed/offended but then gathered himself and was fine. We haven’t really spoken since outside of one conversation where we spoke about how busy our jobs have been, but that’s it. I’m already over it, because I had never fully emotionally gotten INTO it in the first place, so that’s cool.

In the midst of ending things with BF, work had gotten ten times busier and so had my social life. I had found myself unintentionally being a bit “absent” in some regards, so I decided to make more of an effort to go out with friends, which involved some game nights, some bar hopping, dinners, trivia nights, a movie or two, an overnight trip and a 3 a.m. dip in a pool (don’t ask about this one because it resulted in me puking my brains out the following morning and driving home in someone’s boxers).

throw up

In addition to not sleeping and swimming in swimming pools after midnight in my underwear, I’ve also unexpectedly sparked a bit of a connection with…The TeacherI’ve known him for about the same amount of time that I’ve known BF, but our interactions (until lately) haven’t been as frequent (or physical for that matter). We’ve gotten to know each other a little slower (mostly my fault), but he’s still consistently “been there” this entire time. My plan (when I ended things with BF) was to also not entertain seeing The Teacher (or anyone) for that matter. A dating detox—so to speak…but The teacher (lately) has really made a huge effort to make it known that he very actively wants to date me and in spending a little bit more time with him over the past few weeks, he’s really impressed me actually and I’ve warmed up to the idea. It’s been a lot of fun.

Our dates have been consistent, well-thought-out/planned and interesting. He’s a gentleman. He’s always on time. He always dresses nicely for said dates. He never leaves me in the dark about how he feels or where he’d like “us” to go. He’s (mostly) transparent in his emotions and an all-around kindhearted person. He’s funny, charming, intelligent, affectionate and very nurturing and I hate that I wasn’t fully aware of this until more recently. I guess in my mind I’ve always felt like he wasn’t my “type” or well, what I think is my type, which has obviously not worked out so well, haha.

Over the course of the past week, we’ve seen each other three times, with one of those times being an overnighter (though not our first “overnighter”-this might have been our third). All of the times that we’ve seen each other have been legitimate well thought out dates. He’s always been very thoughtful in everything that we do together (and will also ask for my input while planning), which I appreciate.

The other night (Saturday) after working a very long 12 hour day (after already coming off of a 60 hr work week), we met up for dinner, drinks and a movie (we saw the Jurassic World sequel). Perhaps it was the drinks, heat, exhaustion or a combination of all three, but I ended up falling asleep on him for a smooth fifteen minutes, which I had sort of warned him might happen since I was so exhausted and he completely understood.

Post movie I got a second wind and took him up on the offer to head back to his place for some wine. The teacher is also sophisticated and can intelligently talk about things like wine, bourbon and beer (unlike some people)…he can just about talk about anything, really. We spent hours in his living room, cuddled up, drinking wine and just talking about life in general. I felt comfortable and I felt like he genuinely cared to spend time with me, even if we were just talking. At one point I apparently felt so comfortable (I actually wasn’t drunk, just tired) that I found myself laying in his lap and looking up at him as we carried on our chit chat. We talked until about 5 a.m. before he offered up staying the night (if I wanted, which I did).

I’m not going to lie, while there was some making out involved, we didn’t (and haven’t) slept together and I think that’s ok and he seems ok with that too, though he  has alluded to being open to that, should that happen (if/when the time is “right”). Awesome.

It took us hours to get out of bed later on that morning partially due to exhaustion and well…other stuff 😉 , but after getting up and getting dressed, he treated me to lunch and commented on how we had just spent close to 24 hours together. I haven’t spent such a long period of time with anyone (and not legitimately felt annoyed) since maybe my last legitimate relationship—which on another unrelated note, he ran into me at a stop sign the other day…like actually ran into me…more on this in another post…

So yeah, that’s been my life. Crazy ride of a life. I have no idea where any of this is going, but I really like The Teacher. He’s really grown on me and impressed me, especially lately. I enjoy our talks most of all and I think I’m starting to get used to how affectionate he can be (though his level of affection reminds me of my ex, who ironically enough is also a Cancer). I hate that I haven’t fully picked up on this until about three weeks ago…I’m a sadly misguided and terrible person…

1 Thing and 1 Thing Only

This weekend was bananas. This time last week, I I told myself that I was going to make every effort to keep a low profile and catch up on the rest I lost in the week and weekend before, but alas, that plan went down the toilet quickly as last week unfolded and I felt like I needed to release a lot of stress. I’ve really got to learn how to stop agreeing to going to everyone’s this and that to appear “social”. I guess part of me wants to appear “invested” in many of my newer friends (situationships, and otherwise), but it’s also depleting me of energy.

Last week by far was one of my more trying weeks that I’ve had professionally in a really long time. Aside from the regular stress that typically comes with this time of year, I also had the added stress of our system going offline several times and fighting with developers over numerous unexplained bugs/glitches. On top of all of that, I had two critical meetings to prepare for and a workshop to teach. I didn’t even get around to preparing for the workshop until 11 o’clock the night before because I had spent the entire week up to that point putting out fires (oh and I had promised The teacher, I’d meet him for dinner–that’s for another post though). I’m happy to report that everything worked out well. Fires were put out, bugs/glitches were resolved (in the 11th hour nonetheless), my workshop went almost too smoothly and my director and boss raved about how IMPRESSED they were with my work and my ability to work well under extreme pressure and how I’ve really, “taken on” a leadership role in the office. I was too tired to celebrate any of those successes, but made sure “treat myself” to a evening of pure idiocy with friends after work.

A good friend of mine hosted game night over his place, which ended up being a lot of fun. Usually a bunch of us will link up (formally) at a local bar for game night, but occasionally someone will actually host it in their house. At home game nights are far more intimate and cost effective. There was a ton of foolishness, drinks, cheese sticks (as well as pineapples?) and all around great fun. It was the best way to decompress after such a long and hellish week. While partaking in the buffoonery of game night, I realized (in my tipsy haze) that a newer friend of mine was kind of attractive. We’ve known each other a few months, but mostly in passing and haven’t “bonded” as I have with my other friends who were there. We tagged teamed all night on games and flirted most of the night–though I’m going to blame the majority of that on the alcohol, because we were both pretty sauced up when all was said and done. It was nice to get a goodbye hug from him when he called it a night shortly before 2 a.m.

Now mind you, I was fairly hungover the following day. Far more than I anticipated, especially since I downed several FULL bottles of water in the last hour or two of the night before I left and I even ate a slice of pizza someone ordered. I guess that’s my body’s way of telling me I’m old? Anywho, I gave myself the day to run errands and prepare for date night with Babyface. When we last left off, I was given sound advice to step back and make him plan our next date. Did he do this? Not entirely. Outside of picking he day/time and suggesting we eat some place with “decent whiskey” that’s about the extent of the planning he did. He pretty much left the rest up to me and told me he’d pick me up by 8.

So 7 o’clock rolls around and I hadn’t heard from him, which is unlike him. While I’ve mentioned before that our text message conversations are often meaningless back and forth babble, we re pretty much stay in touch all day (everyday). I finally decided to see if we were still on for 8 so that I knew whether or not to proceed to finish dolling up and to get back with another friend of mine who had invited me out for wing night. His reasoning for being so quiet during the day/evening? He was hungover….Yeah…I’m not even going to begin to dissect just how irresponsible it is of him (at 30) to have consumed so much alcohol the night before that his body was still recovering that evening (since I too had quite a rough start to the morning). But to do so at the expense of someone else’s time is downright rude and tacky. At some point during the day, he could have touch base to let me know what was going on or hell, he could have even postponed the night all together, so as long as I wasn’t being held up on account of his nonsense.

So two hours later (mind you, it’s about 9:30 p.m. at this point) he arrives to pick me up, kisses me (as if he didn’t just pull this stunt) and asks if I’m ready, before interrupting himself and asking, “…if you’re even still hungry (ha), I know it’s a little late, I’m sorry about that.” I should have punched him in his adorable face for that remark.

 

srs;y

*Srlsy?*

A little late” might have been 8:15, 8:30…but to tell me around 7 that you’re “getting ready and you’ll be on your way” to show up at 9:30 p.m., is very late. Matter of fact, I had a hard time deciding if I was more angry at him for not making a bigger deal of his tardiness or the fact that I missed out on eating ACTUAL dinner with ACTUAL people that would have been timely (and entertaining). Chicken Wings n thangz! Part of me wanted to scream at him (like a crazy person), but I checked myself..took a breath and proceeded to head downtown with him in the most passive and non-confrontational way possible. I spent too much time dolling up to waste it.

Since he never specifically fleshed out our date outside of wanting us to do dinner at a place that had “decent whiskey”, I suggested a classy spot that I’ve been to with a few fellow bourbon enthusiasts friends. The place is a step classier than your typical bar and has about ten pages (front and back) of whiskey and bourbon selections, organized by place or origin (country/region), then traditional, wheat and rye. Yum yum yum. I was ecstatic about this place, because I’ve grown to love bourbon ever since my ex introduced it to me last year. I wanted to impress Babyface by my vast knowledge of bourbon selections (since he told me he appreciated whiskey one night when we were downing jim beam at dinner). I smugly ordered buffalo trace (neat) to start as Babyface searched the menu back and forth in panic mode. His puppy dog eyes scanned the menu as if he was trying to comprehend a foreign language.  It dawned on me ten minutes into this that he might have been overwhelmed and not well versed in the world of bourbon selections, so I offered him help. He smiled sweetly and just opted to order an IPA.

First of all…who orders a beer at a bourbon spot? I didn’t even know they SOLD beer there.

concerns

2-3 drinks in, I finally talked him into ordering a cocktail and he ordered a drink with (American) absinthe. By this point, I stopped caring to appear cultured to him probably because I was on my second old fashion of the night, like the classy broad that I am.

We never did end up eating at the bourbon spot (even though their food is amazing) because again, I believe BF was overwhelmed by the menu or maybe he was still drunk or hovering somewhere between coming off his hangover and moving into stage 1 intoxication. He instead suggested we swing by cookout on the way back, because virtually every other decent restaurant was closed for the night. I was too sauced to argue with him at this point and my hopes to have a nice and classy date were shot to hell. I was a mixture between hangry, intoxicated and exhausted. All I wanted to do was go home and go to bed.

I don’t remember much after we got back to my place. I vaguely remember us eating–or well him eating, us laughing about something stupid in my kitchen while I sat on my counter (apparently I gave him a beer and took a shot of tequila???), him playing with my cat  and I guess at some point us snuggling and passing out on the couch. I definitely don’t remember that last part, just waking up from it and netflix asking, “Are you still watching”. For whatever reason we both woke up at the same time to notice that the sun was up. It was 6:30 in the morning!! Do you know how startling it is to wake up to it being light outside when you had no idea you had even dosed off (when it was dark) to begin with? I was stressed and disoriented.

After the initial shock of realizing the sun was up, he followed me upstairs to bed like a lost puppy. I was basically concerned with continuing to sleep off the bourbon, but other things ended up going down. Some really pleasurable, hair raising, back arching, heart pounding, better-than-fresh-coffee thangs. There were a few intense rounds of this and I’m not even sure how because by this point we were both fairly sleep deprived, mildly still intoxicated and zombie like. Things settled around 8 or 9 and then he eventually left around 1 p.m. (after latching onto me for hours as he does whenever we sleep together).

I spent the rest of the day wondering what just happened and assessing just how angry I was at him for his tardiness the night before. Sure, he apologized (I think once in text and once in person), but part of me feels like he didn’t quite understand just how much he actually rubbed me the wrong way. I take quality time with the people in my life seriously and I expect them to do the same. If we say we’re getting together at a certain day or time, I expect those plans to be golden and I expect transparency and advanced(ish) notice if not so I can do other things. Me following up with you an hour before we’re supposed to get together–especially if it’s a time YOU selected, isn’t a good look. Part of me feels like I should have cancelled our date to be petty and prove a point, but I have an issue and I think I’m addicted to his…retracted

covering mouth.gif

My feelings towards BF have shifted quite a bit in these past few weeks, drastically even since we started dating a few months ago…while he’s fun and I genuinely enjoy spending time with him (he’s a nice guy and makes me laugh), I’ve become more concerned (and less emotionally detached) with the physical benefits of it all. In my mind, it’s like he’s serving a very specific purpose. I know, I know, I know. This is terrible and I’m not usually this person, but man oh man. He’s got a talent.

Anyway, I’ve spoken to a few friends about this and they all agree that I should seriously sit down and talk to Babyface about his rude act Saturday night (and his piss poor efforts in planning and being decisive in general) because, “how dare he?”. One of my friends mentioned that he says like he’s either very lazy or too comfortable. While it was very F-boyish behavior (even for him–especially being 30), I don’t know if I’m invested enough to really address or entertain it for that matter. Would addressing it really assure that this doesn’t happen again? Would he even comprehend or just assume I’m being a nag? I don’t care. It’s just shown me that he’s a terrible planner and I should protect my time a little bit better for someone/some people who reciprocate those simple line items of respect. Why should I be punctual and plan my entire evening around him?  If I want to go grab chicken wings with friends when I know I’m supposed to be on a date with him in an hour….why not? Why should I be respectful of his time or energy/effort? I mean, I’ve tossed around completely eliminating trying to “traditionally date” him and just get to down to the “dessert”. I’m getting frustrated with him and I’d prefer to put my effort into other things.

It’s a Situation.

Well hey there. It’s been quite a busy week and time has really gotten away from me. Work has been chaotic and being maybe 1 of 3 people in the office that’s been there longer than a year, management has been relying on me heavily to essentially “hold the fort down”, “boost morale”, “hike mt. Everest all while balancing a glass jar on my head”. I’m beat down already and this is only week one of several chaotic weeks ahead leading into our “busy season”. My sleep has already been severely effected, but hey, there’s always coffee, right?

I don’t think I even like coffee, I just drink it because I’m an “adult“.

Maybe it’s the additional stress at work or my fragmented sleeping patterns, but I’ve been thinking a lot (assessing) things with Babyface. As I wrote previously, we have a pretty decent thing going. We get together weekly (usually based on my schedule–because he’ll just suggest “whatever day” works best for me), we go on semi entertaining dates, we laugh/goof around, there’s an appropriate amount of affection and then there’s mind-blowing, back-breaking, can’t-walk-straight-the-next-morning-or-two sex. Ah, yes…but I’m really quick to shut anyone down who gets this situation twisted with assumptions of a relationship. He is not my “man”. He’s a guy I’m “seeing”.

Seems like a pretty sweet deal, right?

Seems like it or so I thought (or at least convinced myself of that). Truth of the matter is, it’s all starting to become a little bit routine. I guess routine isn’t bad, but is this being set up to “go somewhere” or just “coast” in the valley of convenience? Does it matter? Could i take him seriously enough to see him as more ? Part of me feels like he’s been deeply hurt (repeatedly) as well and is probably also extremely hesitant to commit to anything outside of going to work everyday. Understandable. Pulling something like this off isn’t usually my style, but hell, apparently neither is being in a relationship with someone who understands how to communicate their needs when it matters the most (this wasn’t necessarily a jab at Babyface).

Tangent. Sorry.

I’m having fun with Babyface and at times that’s all that I want, but other times, I do miss being in a relationship. I’ve moved beyond missing my ex (most recent or any of them for that matter). I can see clearly and see that things ended for a reason in all of those situations. I just miss the comfort and security of it all, I don’t know. Sometimes it’s nice to “come home to” or “go out with” someone who sees you as their whole world. It’s like I don’t need someone, but it would be nice to have someone in my life like that (again).

Part of me doesn’t legitimately feel like lightning strikes twice…or well, couple two, three, four or five times…like maybe I had the experience and that’s it. I can die knowing what love feels like. How does the saying go, “better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all” Check.

Ha. That’s so pessimistic and I’m not even torn up about it 🤷🏾‍♀️. It’s just hard to see clearly about love at this point. The future looks a bit hazy and bleak. Love is wonderful, but also scary. I’m not sure if I’m really deserving of love right now, because I’m choosing not to really take a lot of things incredibly seriously. I’m also an asshole (almost entirely in my head) and i get weirded out if someone wants to spend every waking moment with me every single day. I’m not a therapist, but I’ve been to therapy enough to know that I’m deflecting how I truly feel if for no other reason to trick myself into thinking i don’t care.

I care…

I want to find that happiness again, I do. And with time, I (am going to think optimistically) will. Maybe and if I don’t, I know what it feels like. In the meantime, I’ve learned a lot about myself over these past few months and just how strong and resilient I truly am. I didn’t know I had it in me, tbh…but I’m here and standing tall.

Babyface and I have a date this evening. He’s taking me to play laser tag/arcade games because I’ve had a stressful week and he thinks that might help me relax. That’s thoughtful. I’m sure he’s sick of me bitching about the chaos of my job though…🙃 being that we’re not in a relationship, he’s technically not even obligated to care.

 

Brake Check.

 

rear view

I was driving to work a few hours ago after two glorious snow days at home (we got over a foot of snow in parts). My job was on a two-hour delay this morning, so I left a little later than my normal crack of dawn departure.

I was just minding my business when I noticed a car tailgating me. I was going about the speed limit (usually I go, at least bout 80″) and wasn’t in the left lane, so I wasn’t sure why this car didn’t just pass me (we were on a five lane highway with little to no traffic).

Anyway, after a few minutes of this and some passive aggressive brake checks, I merged over into another lane so that the person could pass me and that’s when I saw it. The car passing me wasn’t just any car, no, no, no…it was my Ex’s car. Of all of the one million people in the surrounding area to interact with on the highway, I would be just in the right place (or maybe wrong place?) to run into my ex (and almost literally).

Without getting into specifics, his car stands out pretty well and having spent a great deal of time with him in that car, I just knew it was his and it flew by me going about 90 mph before getting off of an exit. I’ll admit I was a bit stunned, but I guess not entirely, since he normally goes to work about the time he was riding up on my ass and we were around the area of town that he works in and we DO take the same route to work since we both work in the same city (different from the one we live in). Low and behold, it was indeed him:

brake check

We small talked for about an hour about the snow and work before the conversation died and we both lied about having to get back to work. So just like that, I killed my promise of not communicating with him in 2018….a smooth 19 days into the new year. Smh.

The one good thing about this encounter is that it didn’t trigger any warm and fuzzy feelings. After getting over being mildly annoyed by his driving, I didn’t really feel anything talking to him nor did I  *care* that much to know how he was doing. I mean, it’s great that he’s alive, but outside of that, I don’t care about the specifics.  It was nice that we small talked (I guess), but I don’t think it adds to the peace in my life right now as I said at the start of this new year.

Ok, we’re back to “days without communicating with ex”, 0…

If I ever catch him in traffic tailgating me again, I will aggressively brake check him so he rear ends me and has to buy me a new car. Ha, I’m kidding…sort of…

Life Lessons Learned @ Work

Yesterday, I stayed late at work for a monthly committee meeting. I mostly attended the meeting to show face, but I think attending this particular meeting changed my state of mind for the better.

I’ve been in a huge FUNK for most of this year actually and I wasn’t having a particularly great day emotionally (yesterday) either. Imagine my surprise when the topic of discussion at yesterday’s committee meeting was burn-out, depression and suicide rates among healthcare professionals. Not just young ones, but even ones in the range of their 60s and 70s.

It amazed me to learn that maybe…just MAYBE I’m not entirely alone in sometimes feeling “blue” or “defeated”. It can feel that way when you’re dealing with depression. It feels like the world is moving all around you and you’re just stuck in neutral. Working in healthcare alone can be pretty emotionally draining some days, never mind things going on in your actual personal life.

But it’s OK.

In the meeting, we discussed ways to recognize these signs of burn-out and depression among our peers and shared resources on places to seek help. We also discussed taking care of YOURSELF. So often do we get so caught up in our work priorities, that we forget to slow down and take care of ourselves. They mentioned even little things like being so caught up in work that you forget neglect to make doctor’s appointments for yourself (guilty). This has been on my “to-do” list since at least the summertime.

They even touched on mental health and how it’s such a huge phobia to deal with mental/behavior health issues as a healthcare professional because healthcare professionals are typically seen as being immune to having health issues in general. Not only is there a phobia within the field, but even within certain cultures/races, it’s just shoved under the rug as not being a legit “issue”.

Anyway. I felt rejuvenated after the committee meeting because it was like the universe knew I needed to hear these things. For the first time in about two weeks, I really feel like I’ll get over whatever this is and that it is ok sometimes to admit that, “hey, I’m not doing ok”.