Issa Infatuation?

New week, same shit, same guy.

Last week was my birthday week and it seemed like I celebrated literally all week. Not a bad thing, but in my 29++ age, my body is taking a little longer to recover. During all of this, blast from the past “coincidentally” came to town for work. Skirted in at a little after midnight friday morning and out by early Saturday afternoon. In between the whirlwind “visit”, we basically went to a bar and a half with one of my best friends. I say “and a half”, because he was late to the dinner we were supposed to have, so my bff and I ended up drinking until he arrived. Because my best friend was in tow, there wasn’t much “us” time and most of my memory became hazy after we ubered downtown. For the most part it was good fun, but I’m starting not to feel the same sparks that I used to with him. I know this, because I woke up Saturday hung over, threw on a hoodie, put my hair in a bun and made no effort to doll up. I’m pretty sure I didn’t even put on foundation, maybe just finishing powder over the foundation I slept in the night before, before we went out for breakfast.

Eatin Pants

I had roughly 3 hours between blast from the past leaving and my date with new guy to freshen up and put together an outfit where my girls were sitting pretty. I went from sweats, to contour, sheer shirt and tight jeans. Sure, he was just taking me out for a belated birthday evening (movie, dinner, etc), but I felt compelled to perfect.

I'm a star

The birthday date was typical as some of our other dates have been(all have been wonderful), with the of course added bonus of cake, card and gift! Blah-de-blah. Overall the night was fun, as our dates normally are, but as I invited him back over to my place for an elaborate cuddle and make out session, I kept thinking, “Am I infuriated with this guy?”

Sure, he’s a fabulous guy and I genuinely look forward to our outings dates, but a weird anxiety is starting to creep through my brain, like : how long is this going to last? Will this last? What if this ACTUALLY lasts–what do I do then? Do I even know WHAT I’m DOING?!

nope - prince with monkey

To be honest, there is a part of me that likes him so much because he fills this gaping VOID that I’ve been nursing for a while, but I’m just hoping that this isn’t the MAJORITY of the reason I like him, because he is an amazing guy. I just don’t want to be attached (especially over a silly reason like that), because being attached means potentially being hurt and of course, that’s never my goal.

leo - sick world

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He’s Growing on Me

I’ve been seeing this guy for a little over a month and a half now and I’m finally admitting to myself that we are indeed “dating”.

As much as I tried to deal with this situation completely apathetic and emotionless, I really can’t help but to really like the guy. He’s such a gentleman, he makes me laugh, he’s intelligent, he’s respectful, he can keep a conversation going, he REALLY LISTENS, he’s a total sweetheart and is appropriately affectionate. I feel protected and taken care of while I’m in his presence.

I feel at peace.

It’s still “new”, but I have to say that I’m really impressed with him. I didn’t think it was possible to date someone who was so attentive and caring. I’m curious to see how things unfold. So far we seem to really vibe well together. I guess it doesn’t hurt that our birthdays are literally a week a part (his was last Wednesday, mine is this Wednesday…which is well, tomorrow), so we’re the same zodiac sign.

In other news blast from the past is coming up “for work” starting Thursday (and should be gone Saturday afternoon–well hopefully, since I have plans with new guy that evening). Our last interaction (about three weeks) ago, went well (we even took a short road trip), but reminded me of all of the things I’ve longed for that this new guy offers without hesitation. While I find myself emotionally frustrated with blast from the past, things like this seem effortless with new guy. He has no problem being open and honest about his emotions and how he feels about me. I still like blast from the past, but I feel like there is a massive road block on our journey to work towards anything of substance. We like each other, but that’s about it. It’s been a couple of years now and my patience is paper-thin at this point.

We’ll see what the week unfolds.

Crazy Little Thing Called…

Life has been extremely busy lately, both professionally and socially, but this hasn’t necessarily been a bad thing. While I’ve pulled some long intense days at work, I’ve managed to go out and “be social” every day in the past week (yay). This little accomplishment has helped with stress and my periodic anxiety and depression.

One of the reasons in my boost in social activity has been this guy. We’ve been out two additional times since I wrote that post and they’ve been blast. When I first starting speaking to him, I did anticipate anything worthwhile coming out of our interactions. He was nice, intelligent, adorable and could hold a conversation, but he’s really thrown a wrench in my plans emotions. He’s so attentive, funny, understanding and sweet.

I told myself when I last posted that I was going to refrain from kissing him, but well…I gave into it Saturday night…multiple times and I’m glad that I did. Long story short, we ended the evening at his place just to get out of the cold. He was extremely respectful the entire time.

We went out again Wednesday night after work and spent four hours talking and laughing about our jobs and everything else. It really only felt like half an hour until we both realized we had been sitting there four entire hours. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been engrossed in conversation with someone to the point of losing track of time. Since we parked in opposite directions, he walked me to my car, as he’s done pretty much every time we’ve been out no matter how far away I parked from him and of course we kissed again. I can’t help but to feel kind of giggly afterwards, like I’m back in middle school. I have no idea where that’s coming from other than the fact that I’m deeply conflicted on whether or not I sincerely want to be so free with my emotions right now. He noticed my weird school girlish reaction and told me to let him know if he ever does anything that makes me feel uncomfortable and then I felt like a fool!

Truth be told, I do like him and that scares me, so my defense mechanism is to just goof during our embraces and affections. I think part of me is shocked that he likes me this much and the other part of me is thinking, “surely this will end soon, no need to get attached”. We spoke about this later on in the night (after we both got home) and I assured him by no means is he making me uncomfortable, but that I’m just weird. I told him he was doing “everything right” (which he is). He seemed to understand and reassured me that he, “really liked me and enjoys spending time with me”. We could also be on the same wavelength since I recently found out we’re the same zodiac sign and our birthdays are exactly a week apart.

Oh Boy.

On another semi related note, I’m going out of town this weekend to visit him (situationship guy).Usually I’m over the moon excited about the trip, but this time around I’m kind of indifferent also kind of tired. When we spoke briefly last night, it just felt kind of bland. Maybe I was tired or distracted (I was in walmart), but I couldn’t put my finger on it. He asked me if I could help him get a new mattress since of course I have an suv to tie it to (eye roll).

Really? I am just someone you use to haul your shit now?!

I know he didn’t mean it in that way, but the notion of it slightly agitated me.  Maybe I’m agigtated because I’m starting to realize how it feels to be around someone who is open emotionally and how I know I’m going to go there this weekend to most likely be disappointed by something he does or doesn’t do. Same routine, same song and dance. I don’t know. Maybe he’ll completely prove me wrong. It will be interesting to see how the weekend unfolds. All I know is, the bar has been raised and he better step up. One thing I am doing differently with him this year is not wasting my money on getting him a Valentine’s day gift. Usually we’ll exchange gifts, but since we’re not always around each other on the actual day it’s through the mail, or in his case, comes one or more months later when he comes into town for work (better late than never?).

Welp. Here’s to the freakin’ weekend.

Kiss Me Not

Lately, I’ve been sticking to this new notion of staying true to one of my resolutions of getting out there and staying social. I guess you could toss casual dating in there too, because why not?

I’ve been casually (so very casually) seeing this guy for a handful of weeks now. Originally, I didn’t see him as being my “type”, but he’s slowly starting to maintain my attention.

For starters, we’re about the same height, which I guess isn’t that big of a deal, minus the fact that I occasionally like to wear boots and heels. This is such a superficial thing to be concerned about and I really wish I was a better person than this, but I’m really insecure. I’m already on the taller end for a female (I’m 5’7). I’m used to seeing guys that are at least 3-4 inches taller than me and of course I’ve dated guys almost an entire foot taller than me (which was a bit weird for other reasons). Wearing heels was not an issue with them. With this guy, I’ve made it a huge point to stick to wearing flats, which will be ok because they’re more comfortable, I guess.

Outside of this superficial bullshit I’m attempting to move past, he’s a decent guy. We have a lot in common, he’s very intelligent, independent, a conversationalist, great listener, has his SHIT together, is a sweetheart, is family oriented and is just plan adorable, like a puppy.

He doesn’t stress me out (by being thirsty) and in between times that we see each other, I feel like we communicate an appropriate amount of time. He doesn’t attempt to text message me from sun up to sun down and doesn’t completely go ghost using the excuse that he “doesn’t check his phone”. We may communicate via text message 2, sometimes 3 times a week and usually in the evenings and the conversations are equally initiated.

But I can’t pull myself to think of him more than just someone to have fun with for right now. Maybe not even intimately either. I’m not sure if I want any strings attached to this right now. Maybe like a friend plus? I like him  a little more than a friend, but I haven’t settled on how much yet and maybe that’s ok?

 I guess part of that is the fact that I genuinely care about him (the situationship guy from my past that I link up with from time to time). Sure, he’s emotionally fucked up, but his heart is in the right place and he shows he cares by doing things for me, protecting me and pampering me. We have some history there and I can’t help but to kind of hang on to that. He’s my comfort. It’s weird and I wish I could shut it off some days. He’s just a shitty communicator and sometimes staying in touch with him is more effort than it’s worth.Sure, he reaches out to me too, but it’s exhausting trying to reach out to him. Sometimes he’ll answer and other times he may return your call/text in 3-4 days. Granted, he’s really never been that great at communicating, but I’m older now and this is really aggravating me.

Last Saturday, I was out having dinner with this guy (the casual guy). We talked and laughed for hours.He’s very easy to talk to and we have a similar sense of humor. I had a genuinely good time. We parked in different locations, so he walked me to my car. As we got to the point of the evening to say goodbye, he leans in to kiss me. My reflex was to lean away and hug him instead. Sure, we vibe well…but if I kiss him, that’s going to open flood gates for all of these assumptions and feelings that I personally don’t want to be accountable for right now. At the same time, I like his company, so it’s confusing. We have another date planned for this Saturday, so I may simply ask him what he’s hoping to get out of this (if anything at all) or perhaps I won’t say anything at all and let it ride out. I think this is still in the sweet spot of not needing any definition.

In other news, situationship guy called Sunday night and invited me to spend the weekend at his place–Valentine day weekend at that 👀. I’m not too sure what that means or if it means anything at all. He told me once that he hated V-day, and even though we were only together during 1 V-day, he made it a point to get me a gift and a card. Sure, we had vaguely spoken about me picking up his recliner at some point, but he explicitly said to come that particular weekend, even when I mentioned other weekends over the next two months. Weird.

Oh well, I guess I’ll see what’s up with him and casual guy shortly.

Relatable Girl Talk 

I had dinner last night with two of my old co-workers, who have recently become good friends. Periodically, we like to get together and catch up. We have this sort of bond from surviving the hell hole that was our last job.

Anyway, we’re all ladies of a certain age with somewhat complicated love lives, so that of course came up. I rarely discuss my love life (or lack thereof), but as I listened to theirs, I felt more compelled to open up.

One co-worker told us about how she got pregnant in college with a guy she was only in love with the idea of being with. She told us for the longest time she could see all of his flaws, but just wanted to be with him for the idea of being a family and comfort.

Parts of her story resonated with me, because for the longest time I’ve been semi emotionally attached to a guy that I’ve been in love with the idea of being with romantically. Sure, we did actually date for just under a year (some years ago), he bruised my heart, we reconnected and now have established a situationship of sorts. I like him, but at times I take a step back to think, “do I really like him or is he just a place of comfort for me?” Sure, he’s a flawed individual just like me, but he’s got a heart of gold and I feel really safe with him. He’s respectful and really values morals. While he may be lacking that emotional availability that I’m longing for, I feel secure in the fact that he would never let anything happen to me because my life is precious to him. Does this make us right for one another though? Suppose he has needs (like mine) that I’m seriously lacking in?

Continuing on with the emotional babble,my other co-worker told us how she is “in love” with one of her current co-workers that’s married and supposedly leaving his wife to eventually be with her. This has been going on for a little over a year. While my co-worker has been patiently waiting on him, she’s growing impatient and has suggested he make a decision (her or the wife) in the next few months. She claims to be able to cut him off if he refuses to make a decision soon and has casually been seeing other guys as to trick/distract her mind into thinking she can emotionally separate herself from him. She finds herself comparing every guy she sees to her co-worker and from the start, none of them measure up. She claims you just can’t help who you love and the heart wants what it wants.

Her situation was also relatable to me. While I’m not in love with a married man, I am in like with someone who at times seems conflicted on what he wants. Like her, I’ve been fairly patient, but we’re not getting any younger and it’s starting to frustrate me. It’s like he’s swimming in the comfort of the gray area because he gets the best of both worlds: gets to experience the admiration of someone who thinks the world of him and is fiercely loyal to him (even when he’s being stupid), but doesn’t have to have the accountability of being in a relationship or even emotional availability. I hung on to the hope of all of this panning out last year, but like my co-worker, I’ve taken a step back and very casually (and I do mean casually without a single ounce of emotion) dating. I actually hate dating and the majority of the time I feel like I’m wasting my energy, because it’s rare that a guy even comes close to measuring up to him. So far nothing has come out of it. I’m mostly doing it to keep my mind distracted. I’ve also made it a point to revisit my social life and have made it my goal to go out at least 2-3 times a week, even if it’s just for dinner.

My co-workers gave me a lot to think about last night. We all agreed that guys sometimes take advantage of our loyalty and assume that we’ll be there for them indefinitely, even when they’re not always being there for us in return. We all agreed that we deserve true reciprocation and reassurance. Life is precious, and while giving a guy space to figure out what he wants, it doesn’t mean that we have to sit around not living our lives and fulfilling our needs forever. Perhaps seeing the threat of his “comfort” drifting away will place things into prospective for him.

Well, that’s about all I feel thinking about  for now. I’ll revisit what I want and how I truly feel in the coming weeks when he and I spend the weekend together.

Initiation.

I feel like I always initiate communication with a lot of the people in my life and it’s exhausting. There are a group of people that will (occasionally) return the favor and I really appreciate them for that.

Just like everyone else, I go through things, I have reasons to celebrate, etc and it’s nice knowing your friend or family member cares and wants to check in with you from time to time.

As a friend, daughter, granddaughter, cousin, etc, I feel like I go out of my way to check in and stay in touch and those same people are not sharing that responsibility.

I understand and respect that everyone is busy (including me most days), but no one should be made to feel like they are in a one sided relationship (romantic or otherwise).

Thirty has opened my eyes to many life lessons in these 7 months and I’m starting to see that I’m expending a great deal of energy on these particular situations.

Maybe I’m over-analyzing this situation or maybe I just need to learn not to care. Either way, change is going to come.

Perceptions

Fairly recently, I’ve come to the conclusion that someone I hold in high regards may not really be the person I think they are and this is primarily my fault. Sure, we all show snippets of who we THINK people REALLY want us to be initially, but that almost always fades, as people can’t continue to keep up that persona.

good-vs-bad

For the better part of four years, I let my imagination and my longing for an organic connection with this person lead me to view them with tinted rose colored glasses. Mostly it’s been fun, but recently it’s just become a frustrating experience.

In my mind, this person has all of the potential in the world, but on the surface, they are who they are and it’s not fair for me to view them as something they’re not. It’s not fair for me to expect them to respond or react to me in a certain way or even fully understand me to the very core of my soul. I’m very caring. I’m strong-willed and stubborn, but awfully fragile. I’m thoughtful, but at times selfish and self-concerned.  I’m an extremely complex person with many layers and I don’t believe I have shown this person ALL of me just yet, though I’m getting there. I’m just afraid of rejection.

This way of thinking has resulted in a great deal of disappointment, hurt feelings, miscommunication, assumptions and aggravation (and probably confusion on their end because they probably have no idea all of this is running through my mind). It’s extremely frustrating and very exhausting. I find myself being moodier and more standoffish these days. I don’t have a lot of patience for shapeless exchanges. This has left a lot of our more recent interactions unfulfilling (to me).

Why can’t this person just think/feel/say [BLANK]???

Because they are not a marionette doll and they are who they are and like everyone else (including me), they are greatly flawed.

pinocchio

They sincerely care. This I do know and in their own unique way they show that, I just have to accept it and understand it. Just because they don’t react or show their appreciation in the same way that I do, doesn’t mean that their heart is not there.

I can’t continue to blame them for their flaws or weaknesses, because that’s simply not fair, even though on the bare minimum side of respect, they should be held accountable in some aspect.

Anyway, it’s not fair for me to hold them to such unrealistic standards, considering my perception of them may not even be who they really are.

I need to figure out why I’m like this and why I sometimes draw up these super unrealistic perceptions of people’s characters (particularly ones that I care about).

Traffic, Commitments & Following My Own Advice

I spent the weekend over his place. We hadn’t seen each other since the 4th of July, but we’ve managed to stay in touch via text and phone calls, which is cool.

I had been looking forward to our “reunion” for a few weeks, especially since we had a false start or two with him promising that he would be here for work only to have those plans fall through and him never bothering to inform me until I asked. Read More

||Busy||.

I’ve always considered myself a decent friend to others. I really make a genuine effort to listen, empathize, encourage, console, laugh, love and BE THERE for friends. I do all of this regardless of the amount of times I have to hear an excuse for being cancelled on for the umpteenth time over whatever bullshit and numerous unreturned calls/texts. I shrug it off. I act like everything’s all gravy, but in reality sometimes it isn’t.

“It’s ok, no big deal,” I say with a smile on my face. I’m usually showered in, “you’re so understanding, you’re such a great friend, I’m so lucky to have you in my life blah, blah, blah” and yet I’m left sitting there feeling like I don’t matter. Like I DON’T FUCKING MATTER. I feel like the only time I matter to certain people is when it benefits them and I’ll leave it at that.

Sad-random-24012675-500-334

All of this and I’m usually the initiator. While I don’t mind initiating conversations, outings, whatever, it would be nice for that same level of effort to be returned to me  on a consistent basis at some point. It seems like this is almost impossible to find in people now a days. It’s exhausting and leaves me mostly wanting not to make an effort with anyone. Why bother if I’m going to end up putting the majority of the work into it?

There are a few special people in my life that do (when they can) return the effort, which I really appreciate, but unfortunately, most of these golden gooses aren’t local and our reunions are few and kind of far between.

I’m not even angry, I’m just tired. I’m extremely tired.

People that are special to you should never be made to feel like they aren’t priorities to you, but maybe you’re too busy to see that.