A Pre-Proposal?

Yesterday, post some fun activities, The Teacher (as he’s been doing for a few weeks now) playfully removed my ring from my right ring finger. He jokingly pretended he was going to throw it across the room or intentionally lose it. My response to this silliness has simply been:

If you lose it, just make sure to buy me another one.

Except this time, he didn’t just hand it back.

You seem to really like this ring. Is that what you want? Another ring for Christmas?

At this point in the conversation, I wasn’t entirely sure what definition of “ring” he was really referring to. His tone seemed to be a bit more serious than previously, so was he referring to THE ring?

I nervously laughed and just said,

sure–I’d like a ring for Christmas, if that’s what you feel like buying.

He smiled and agreed to add it to his mental Christmas list for me, but then continued on to say:

…But I was planning on giving you ANOTHER type of ring around our anniversary.

OMG.gif

I remember turning over slightly to look him in the eyes to see if hew as serious (I was previously laying my head on his chest).

Oh? Is that so? And just what TYPE of ring?

He smiled and went into this explanation on how he had been planning on giving me a ring (THE ring) a few months from now because it will mark our 2 year anniversary and what better way to celebrate our commitment to one another and to move to the next level in our relationship than to get engaged.

overcome with happiness

I was admittedly a bit taken aback and apologized if I spoiled what I assumed was something he wanted to be a surprise. He claimed that the “act/event” of giving me the ring itself would still be a “surprise”, but that he wanted to inform me several months in advance because he wanted to know my ring preferences. Admittedly, outside of the fashion rings I occasionally wear, I’ve really never thought about it and I’ve especially not discussed my ring preferences with him at any point.

I’m both shocked and relieved, if that’s even possible. Lately, I’ve had a bit of the marriage mouse nipping at me and reminding me how everyone and their brother has been getting married and having babies and I’m not getting any younger (social media is to blame for that). Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy with the state of my current relationship, but sometimes an overload of those life events can get in your head. I’ve very recently (maybe in the past few weeks) started to think about what it would be like to be married to The Teacher and now I realistically get to put real thought into it. Like, will I change my last name? Where would we get married? Who would we invite? I’m almost afraid to get excited about it, so maybe I’ll pull back on all of that for right now.

I’m also surprised that he just flat out told me that he plans to propose specifically “around” our anniversary…which is in four months! The anticipation of that moment is now going to eat away at me for the next few months. I also feel kind of weird picking out a ring (though I appreciate him considering my opinion, since he said, “you’re the one that will be wearing it after all” ). How do I even do that? Do we do that together? Do I go alone to a store? Do I just google images online and text/email them to him? Are pre-proposals even a thing? Do couples sort of alert one another that they plan to propose, but a few weeks or months down the road? Granted, we’ve discussed that we both believe in marriage and that we’d hypothetically like to be married (someday), but until last night, nothing was ever explicitly said about the specifics.

All I know is, I at least have some heads up about it and can plan accordingly–i.e. I can make sure I don’t look a raggedy mess when the time comes and I can make sure to have my nails done. Will I still be shocked though? I suppose I’d be shocked regardless.

Life Has Been Grand

I can’t believe it’s been six months since I last blogged! I guess life just got away from me these past few months and I didn’t make it a point to slow down and update it.

surprise

For the most part, life has been good. There have been several changes and additions to my life that I feel very comfortable with.

Home Sweet Home

Living with The Teacher, has been amazing so far and we’ve managed to compromise and create routines to keep us both happy and engaged in the experience of sharing a home. For example, we make it a point to have dinner together every night unless one of us is out of town. Regardless of how busy or tired we are, we always sit down over dinner to spend time together. We also make a point to have at least one formal date night (in the sense that we’re specifically going out or staying in with the purpose of spending dedicated and uninterrupted time together)

We have also done well with tending to our “alone time” for hobbies and decompression. With The Teacher, his “alone time” is usually spent playing video/computer games, reading and grading, while mine has been binge watching shows that I know he has no interest in, taking walks and on very rare occasions, writing.

We’ve definitely grown a lot as a couple over the past six months and I look forward to growth continuing.

New Ride

After months…well, YEARS of living in fear of being stranded during my long-ish commutes, I finally bought a new (to me) suv It’s a Candy Apple Red 2017 RAV4 SE with black leather seats and a sunroof. It’s been a pretty fun suv so far and I’ve wanted one for a few years now. I purchased the RAV4 on somewhat of an impulse on a random Monday I took off from work for rest and relaxation. I had been casually researching suvs online and came across the RAV4 in my search. It was reasonably priced and had all the features I was looking for, so I drove 45 minutes out of town to test drive it and ended up buying it. I initially told no one that I bought it until I pulled into the driveway to surprise The Teacher with the news later that afternoon. He was quite surprised, especially since he had been nagging me to buy a new car over the past year.

Mental/Sexual Health

I’ve had some ups and downs over the last few months mental health wise, but I’ve started to pay more attention to my triggers and have found healthier ways to distress (like reading, writing, walking, resting). For instance, I’ve made it a point to take at least 2-3 days off per calendar month and so far, I’ve done well with that promise to myself, which has given me some much needed mental breaks from the chaos that is my job. I try to make it a point to have at least one of the 2-3 days spent doing very little planned activities. I’ve primarily tried to make it a point to stay at home and relax when I can.

My sexual health has been a tad bit better lately as I think my hormones night be trying to settle down (fingers crossed). I still find myself spotting more than I’d like (which is annoying), having the occasional and unexplained mood swings, cramps and occasional breakouts, but I’ve learned to live with them and have adjusted some of my self care routines to address some of the side effects. The peace of mind knowing that the probability of an unplanned pregnancy is highly unlikely, seems to set me straight whenever I get discouraged by the side effects (especially because we weren’t being careful early on). I will say that it worries me a bit that when it comes time to remove the implant (in a little over two years), will I struggle to conceive (should I want to), because I’ll have hit the age of being considered a “geriatric pregnancy” and complications will ensue.

Bonding and Family Acceptance

Over the past six months, I’ve been able to spend more time with getting to know the Teacher’s family. I’ve grown to really like them and from what I can tell, they seem to enjoy my company as well, which is a relief. About a year ago, I was nervously on my way to meet his father for the first time and now we’re on a first name basis. About two weeks ago, we spent the weekend with his mom and I really got to spend a lot of one on one time with her, which was lovely.

The Teacher has also spent more time with my parents and even came with me to a mini family reunion on my mom’s side of the family around The 4th of July. My family was very welcoming to him and he seemed to genuinely have a great time. I know meeting someone’s extended family can be particularly scary, because you really have no way of knowing (or controlling) how they’ll feel about you.

The Future

Lately, we’ve been invited to or involved with numerous milestones from friends. Weddings, Bachelor/Bachelorette Showers, Baby Showers, Engagement Parties, etc. For each milestone, it sort of makes me wonder what reaching those milestones might be like or if it’s too soon for me to even consider thinking about them. There was a time where I couldn’t realistically envision any of those things happening to me, but now they seem somewhat attainable.

Recently, The Teacher has shown a heightened interest in a ring that I wear infrequently on my right ring finger. The ring is silver and a bit on the plain side. Each time I wear it, he’ll comment on it, remove it from my hand and examine it closely. Sometimes he’ll playfully toss it around, which has made me warn him not to lose it. His response, “Well, I’ll buy you (another) one”. Perhaps I’m reading too much into this, but he rarely shows interest in the other jewelry I wear–even pieces that he’s given me. This also isn’t the first time I’ve worn rings, I’ve worn them here and there since we’ve been together.

Update : My speculations were true! Last night, The Teacher told me that he plans to give me “another kind of ring” around our anniversary (in four months). His reasoning? He says the two year mark seems like the perfect time. He also said he wasn’t really going to keep his plans a surprise much longer because he needs my help on selecting the right ring 💍 .

Welp, hopefully I do a little better about blogging and less time stuck in la-la land.

 

Blending & Meshing

The last few weeks have been amazing, but ridiculously busy.

When I last wrote, I was just getting back from a business trip and preparing myself to meet The Teacher’s parents and attend a wedding as his “plus 1”. I’m happy to report that while I had some minor anxiety going into it, all went well. I wasn’t quite sure really what to expect with his family (dad and step mom). Our conversations about his dad  were never overly specific. He’d mention things about his dad here and there (how he was retired from the military, enjoyed art, liked to cook, prided himself on yard work, was possibly at one point a hippie), but never anything super specific to paint a clear and defined picture of him. I had no idea what he even looked like or if the Teacher even resembled his dear old dad (he did slightly and their mannerisms were similar).  I felt like I needed to go into the situation overly prepared to make a GOOD impression, so in my usual “over the top” manner, I baked for him as a “thank you” for his hospitality.

baked goods copy.jpg

Our initial meeting was super abbreviated because we were running late for a rehearsal dinner about twenty minutes away from his dad’s house, but it went well. His dad and step-mom greeted me with open arms and were very appreciative of the baked goods (that I baked during a passing low grade hurricane the night before with flickering power). To my surprise, his dad and step-mom “set BOTH of us up” in his childhood bedroom. While we’re both in our 30s and have technically been dating about 8 months now, have traveled together and we definitely have “sleep overs” a few times a week, it still weirded me out to share a room–a bed with him in his family’s home…next door to his dad and step mom’s room. We later had some of the most mind blowing love making later that night (in said room), but very quietly (not that either one of us is usually loud anyway). That was wildly adventurous, to say the least.

Overall, the wedding and wedding festivities went over well. Many of his college friends were there, so it was nice to meet and hangout with them. They all seemed very welcoming. I also bonded (even more) with his two best friends’ wife and fiancee (now also wife!). It’s been a little while since I’d been to a wedding, but even longer since I’ve gone with an actual date. Like a legit, I’m with this person, date. But it was nice. It seemed like the majority of the guests there (young and old) were either married or in relationships.

During the wedding, The Teacher was fairly affectionate. I wasn’t sure if this was because he was feeling overly sentimental (due to the occasion) or simply because he felt like publicly making it known that we were an item, either way, I enjoyed the attention. We got to slow dance, which typically shouldn’t be that big of a deal, but we’ve never had the opportunity to slow dance (because both of us admit to not being great at dancing), as I mentioned prior to getting on the dance floor. In conversations since, we realized that he thought I said, “I’ve never danced“, instead of what I actually said, “We’ve never danced“. Ha, would have been a bit awkward had I never danced before.

During the times that we danced, it was as if the world around us disappeared and we were in our own little world.

slow dance.gif

In keeping with the theme of the weekend it seemed, locking eyes for too long made my heart race a mile a minute, my face flush and butterflies flutter in my stomach with excitement. I felt a similar spark during the rehearsal and wedding while locking eyes with him while the bride and groom said their vows. Since he was part of the groomsmen and facing the audience, it was hard not to look at him, but every time our eyes locked I became a bit overwhelmed with emotion and would eventually look down or away while blushing. He called me out on it later and I made up the excuse that I didn’t want to “distract” him from his groomsmen duties.

I’ll keep it 100 (if the kids still say that now a days), the real reason I kept cutting my eyes after feeling all of warm and fuzzies is because the entire weekend, the entire reason for us even being there was to celebrate the love and union of one of his best friends and his now wife and In addition to the wedding, I was also meeting his family for the first time and many of his dear college friends who he’s very close to. The fact that all of these very important people in his life had been SO loving and accepting of me, just consumed me with emotion (and I tend to not display my emotions on the outside). On top of all of those gooey feelings, I’ve been processing the fact that I do indeed love him. Yes, I said it. I do love him and I have for some time now, I just haven’t said it.

I love him when he gives me forehead kisses while I fall asleep during some random netflix show we’ve (he’s) decided to watch. I love him when he’s being a sleepy head and will still be knocked the fuck out at damn near noon like he’s not a whole ass adult with actual responsibilities, I love him when he’s rambling off random useless trivia, I love him when he speaks passionately about teaching, I love him when he’s grouchy from lack of said sleep (or work), I love him when he’s silly, when he’s happy, when he’s annoyed, when he’s nervous, when he’s afraid, I just love him overall.

Without even realizing it at first, he’s literally everything I’ve ever wanted and didn’t realize I needed. He checks all of the boxes. He’s been nothing but warm and kind and patient with me the entire time we’ve been together, even when I truly didn’t deserve it and was being a fucking idiot. I get a little overwhelmed emotionally when I think about him, our relationship in general and just how much I genuinely care so much about him. Flaws and all. He’s an amazing person and it takes a one of a kind guy to put up with my foolishness.

I guess my hesitation in saying those three little words is that I’ve tried to really take my time with this relationship and truly let it grow organically. It’s so easy to rush into things only to crash and burn before you even know what hit you (Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson, for example). I felt that with my last relationship (the aftermath was so unbelievably painful) and I wanted this one to be truly meaningful and so far it has been. If you had told me a year ago or even 6-8 months ago that I’d be in this situation, I wouldn’t have believed it. While neither one of us has really point blank said those three words I think we’ve both talked around them either through actions or other creative phrases to make it known. Perhaps like me, he’s afraid to take that “leap”. Here is an  example of me talking around the word “Love” from this morning while he was asleep (“Oliver” is my cat, btw–and he likes to climb on both of us in the morning when it’s time for his feeding):

IMG_8464 (6)

All in all the wedding weekend and meeting his family went well. His parents seemed to like me and I was able to have several bonding moments with them between all of the chaos of the wedding. His dad even sat down with me and showed me every school photo of him from pre-K through his senior year of high school. It was sweet.

So fast forward to this weekend in the theme of mixing and mingling of friends and family…I finally introduced the Teacher to one of my best friends (that I’ve known since high school and probably knows more about the Teacher than anyone else in my life via our conversations about him). We met over dinner Friday night and both got along really well. The best friend approves of the Teacher, although the first thing he asked him when he met The Teacher was what did he do for a career?

listening.gif

I also finally introduced him to my parents, which has been a long time coming, since they technically live locally (about 30 miles west). For weeks I had been tossing around the idea of a meeting, but timing never seemed to quite work out because we’ve both been busy being together. I finally opted for brunch today (as the teacher and I usually do brunch anyway after spending a Saturday night together) and my parents and I usually do lunch or dinner or Sundays. Two birds, one stone. During our time together last night, the Teacher admitted to being “mildly nervous” to meet my parents and referenced the entire event as “doing the parent thing”. I guess that’s natural because well, they’re the people that BIRTHED me and making a bad impression on them could potentially not go over well (with me, maybe). I could certainly relate though as I felt the same anxiety the weekend before. I assured him that while I was indeed bat shit crazy (and he probably knows this), they weren’t too shabby.

Brunch went over well and as I expected my parents really like him (especially my mom). They all seemed to get along just dandy and they didn’t embarrass me too bad or maybe now that I’m in my 30s, and don’t care. I think he made a lovely impression on them, especially considering some of the “things” we were doing right before meeting them for brunch 😉 .

shhhhhhh.gif

Well,  I don’t think there are any more introductions this week (because the last month has been saturated with them and quite frankly, I think we’re both a bit drained), but we both promised each other to accompany the other for various social obligations and gatherings with friends throughout the week. Should be a fun filled week…

“This is How I Show My Love”

We were laying in bed cuddled up Friday night as we usually do for several hours before actually falling asleep. Usually this time period is split between being silly and having some of our more serious heart to heart conversations.

Per usual, he spent several minutes tickle attacking me (I’m basically ticklish everywhere). It’s quite amusing to him to see me squirming about and giggling uncontrollably. After about ten minutes of this he eased up before kissing my forehead and placing his hands on the sides of my face, squeezing them close to my cheeks.

“What are you doing???” I laughed as he stared at me with a wide grin.

“This is how I show my love.”

time out

WHAT?! Love. Like L-O-V-E, Love?

I wasn’t quite sure I heard him correctly, after all it was rounding about 2 in the morning and I had been up since 3 a.m. the previous morning without any sort of nap or downtime. Perhaps I was delusional?

“…This is how you show love?” I reiterated slowly.

“yes..”

“By squeezing my face…you show looo–that you care…by squeezing my face?”

I couldn’t bring myself to repeat it once again. I heard him loud and clear the first time, he didn’t stutter. He knew exactly what he said and possibly what he meant?

We eventually moved on to talk about other things before eventually falling asleep, but I couldn’t help but to replay what he said in my mind. I even had a dream about it while sleeping next to him, which that in itself is weird. Was this his way of saying that he “loves me?” I mean, shortly before this we both said how “great” the other person was,  how we both “really cared” about the other and “enjoyed the other’s company” , so maybe? Even earlier that evening, he asked me to be his “Plus 1” at his best friend’s wedding in two months and suggested that we start planning out our trip (the wedding is about 3 hours out of town and would require at least an overnight or two stay and some days off of work). That’s kind of a big deal (in my books anyway) and shows that you’re looking towards the future with that person.

Maybe he was being silly (as he often is) because he was being mildly absurd in that moment by squeezing my face with his hands?

As goofy as he is, I don’t think he was (entirely) being goofy in that moment. He might have partially used humor to cover it up, but I think that might have been his way to
“test the waters”, so to speak to see how I’d respond maybe?

Lately, I’ve really been processing my feelings towards The Teacher and our relationship and I feel like I might be on the verge of…*ahem*, the “L word”, but I’m hesitant to admit that or even tell him that, because what if it’s too soon? What if he doesn’t feel the same way? What if it’s just awkward? I don’t believe my feelings are “lust” or even “infatuation” at this point. I’ve been there so many times and this is just…different. I care about him on a deeper level that I haven’t cared about very many people in my life. I know that I feel this way because even when he annoys the fuck out of me (which isn’t too often, but it happens), I still care just as much for him. I still want the best for him. I still want nothing more but for him to be happy. I genuinely care to know how he’s doing and how he feels. I’d much rather spend an evening IN with him watching GoT (which I don’t really care for btw–sorry) than being out with my own friends having a full out night of tomfoolery.

GoT

Hell, I care so much about him that I’m willing to spend upwards of 8 hours playing a ridiculously (and unnecessarily) complicated board game with his friends just because it’s important to him that I’m there (but let me be clear, this is not going to be a weekly occurrence).

Because it’s not often that I find myself L-wording someone, I’ve been googling all of these articles on how to tell IF you actually do L-word someone and how to tell if they do too and let me tell you this, those articles are a bit all over the place. Honesty, if someone L-words you, I think you just know…you can just feel it…of course, outside of them saying it.

The Teacher is a smart cookie and he’s usually very careful with his words. Very careful. He’s always been extremely kind and tactful in everything he says. He teaches after all, so he would almost have to be, right?  I think he sincerely meant what he said. It came out too naturally for him to have not meant it. That’s not something someone would say on accident. Perhaps he didn’t mean to say it in that exact moment, but he said it nonetheless.

So where does that leave us? I don’t know. I had to make a quick exit the following morning to meet up with friends (he was still half asleep when I kissed him goodbye) and we were both busy through the rest of the weekend, though he seemed to check in more than usual?

I’d like to ask him about this, but in person. I’ll have to think about how I’m going to frame this so it doesn’t come out weird or self-righteous. I don’t want him to think that he completely weirded me out. I’ve invited him over for dinner on Thursday, so we’ll see what happens.

 

 

Dark Horse.

I woke up around 11 a.m. yesterday in a mild state of confusion before remembering the night before. No, I was not heavily intoxicated, drugged or in any other sense of the word experiencing some out of body experience. I was simply just regaining consciousness after a string of days with minimal sleep.

Good Morning, Sleepyhead” a familiar voice said, while greeting me with a gentle forehead kiss. The voice calmed my somewhat rattled nerves and suddenly I wasn’t entirely concerned about getting such a late start to my day.

Let’s rewind a bit…

I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve been moving in far too many directions these past few weeks, mostly due to work (I’ve been pulling quite a bit of OT), but some due to my personal life too. When we last left off, I had decided to “end things” with BF and I did. I’m not quite sure how I expected that to go, but I found myself feeling surprisingly indifferent about him and the relationship/situation in the past few weeks. When I took a week or two to distance myself from him physically, it really helped me to see clearly and understand that I don’t have time to entertain that type of relationship. When I told him this, he at first seemed a bit annoyed/offended but then gathered himself and was fine. We haven’t really spoken since outside of one conversation where we spoke about how busy our jobs have been, but that’s it. I’m already over it, because I had never fully emotionally gotten INTO it in the first place, so that’s cool.

In the midst of ending things with BF, work had gotten ten times busier and so had my social life. I had found myself unintentionally being a bit “absent” in some regards, so I decided to make more of an effort to go out with friends, which involved some game nights, some bar hopping, dinners, trivia nights, a movie or two, an overnight trip and a 3 a.m. dip in a pool (don’t ask about this one because it resulted in me puking my brains out the following morning and driving home in someone’s boxers).

throw up

In addition to not sleeping and swimming in swimming pools after midnight in my underwear, I’ve also unexpectedly sparked a bit of a connection with…The TeacherI’ve known him for about the same amount of time that I’ve known BF, but our interactions (until lately) haven’t been as frequent (or physical for that matter). We’ve gotten to know each other a little slower (mostly my fault), but he’s still consistently “been there” this entire time. My plan (when I ended things with BF) was to also not entertain seeing The Teacher (or anyone) for that matter. A dating detox—so to speak…but The teacher (lately) has really made a huge effort to make it known that he very actively wants to date me and in spending a little bit more time with him over the past few weeks, he’s really impressed me actually and I’ve warmed up to the idea. It’s been a lot of fun.

Our dates have been consistent, well-thought-out/planned and interesting. He’s a gentleman. He’s always on time. He always dresses nicely for said dates. He never leaves me in the dark about how he feels or where he’d like “us” to go. He’s (mostly) transparent in his emotions and an all-around kindhearted person. He’s funny, charming, intelligent, affectionate and very nurturing and I hate that I wasn’t fully aware of this until more recently. I guess in my mind I’ve always felt like he wasn’t my “type” or well, what I think is my type, which has obviously not worked out so well, haha.

Over the course of the past week, we’ve seen each other three times, with one of those times being an overnighter (though not our first “overnighter”-this might have been our third). All of the times that we’ve seen each other have been legitimate well thought out dates. He’s always been very thoughtful in everything that we do together (and will also ask for my input while planning), which I appreciate.

The other night (Saturday) after working a very long 12 hour day (after already coming off of a 60 hr work week), we met up for dinner, drinks and a movie (we saw the Jurassic World sequel). Perhaps it was the drinks, heat, exhaustion or a combination of all three, but I ended up falling asleep on him for a smooth fifteen minutes, which I had sort of warned him might happen since I was so exhausted and he completely understood.

Post movie I got a second wind and took him up on the offer to head back to his place for some wine. The teacher is also sophisticated and can intelligently talk about things like wine, bourbon and beer (unlike some people)…he can just about talk about anything, really. We spent hours in his living room, cuddled up, drinking wine and just talking about life in general. I felt comfortable and I felt like he genuinely cared to spend time with me, even if we were just talking. At one point I apparently felt so comfortable (I actually wasn’t drunk, just tired) that I found myself laying in his lap and looking up at him as we carried on our chit chat. We talked until about 5 a.m. before he offered up staying the night (if I wanted, which I did).

I’m not going to lie, while there was some making out involved, we didn’t (and haven’t) slept together and I think that’s ok and he seems ok with that too, though he  has alluded to being open to that, should that happen (if/when the time is “right”). Awesome.

It took us hours to get out of bed later on that morning partially due to exhaustion and well…other stuff 😉 , but after getting up and getting dressed, he treated me to lunch and commented on how we had just spent close to 24 hours together. I haven’t spent such a long period of time with anyone (and not legitimately felt annoyed) since maybe my last legitimate relationship—which on another unrelated note, he ran into me at a stop sign the other day…like actually ran into me…more on this in another post…

So yeah, that’s been my life. Crazy ride of a life. I have no idea where any of this is going, but I really like The Teacher. He’s really grown on me and impressed me, especially lately. I enjoy our talks most of all and I think I’m starting to get used to how affectionate he can be (though his level of affection reminds me of my ex, who ironically enough is also a Cancer). I hate that I haven’t fully picked up on this until about three weeks ago…I’m a sadly misguided and terrible person…

A Second Goodbye?

Apparently the theme of the moment is “endings” and in keeping with that theme, I had an interesting conversation with blast from the past yesterday on my way home from work.

Admittedly, I’m still a tad bummed out that our goodbye was fairly condensed and we actually had an open discussion about it, which is rare for us, because that was always an issue when we dated. He reminds me of BF with his emotions, but has definitely (over the years) been deeply vulnerable (which means a lot).

I told him how I felt short changed with our “goodbye”, because realistically, he’s moving across the country in about three weeks, which makes it that much more difficult to visit. I don’t have the kind of disposable income to just buy plane tickets like that (like he does). This is no longer a three hour drive, this is plane tickets and time off of work, distance and with him basically not being around on weekends up until his move, that’s it. That’s all she wrote. I can’t even see him before he moves because it’s a bad time of year to take time off of work (during the week–since that’s the only time he’ll be around). He surprisingly actually listened to me, sincerely apologized and kept reassuring me that this wasn’t “goodbye forever”. He explained how he felt that with the amount of history we have, he wanted to tell me the news in person–which is sweet and I get, but the timing just ended up not syncing properly and we had our goodbye in a sports sports bar, after two luke warm beers.

Our conversation lightened up shortly after as he went on to tell me how moving preparations are going. Being that this is now his…fourth move (third long distance move) since I’ve known him, he’s still managed to be a bit scatterbrained when it comes to planning out the finer details. He told me he hasn’t been able to sell his (current) condo and hasn’t quite decided on a place to live when he arrives in Denver and whether or not he wants to live in downtown or out a ways and try to actually buy a house this time (for the additional space). He mentioned changing his mind about shipping his Camaro and instead decided he would just make the 24+ hr drive and asked if I wanted to join him on the “adventure”.

You’re welcome to come with. I could use some company 🙂

The proposition at first seemed inciting…what I wouldn’t give to just leave this place for a few days and get away from everything…cross country trip in the SS, nothing but sunshine and fun times…but the entire trip would have to be rushed due to him only allowing himself a weekend to get there. I would then have to be back to work promptly that Monday morning at 6 a.m. for a mandatory work event, so it seems that the stars won’t be aligning on this one. I’d literally have to leave as soon as we got there.

He then presented me with Option C…which is him basically leaving all of his shit here and just flying out there to start work and coming back to get his shit once he’s made a decision on where he’s actually living? He’d probably be a little less rushed at that point, I would imagine.

I never promised joining him on any trip, whether it’ in two weeks or two months, but did give him my word that I would *try* to monitor airline ticket prices for late summer/early fall and *see* if the expense would fit into my budget, which is tight at the moment (I’m saving to buy a house).

I have mixed emotions about this entire situation and not the good kind. I hate that my emotions don’t stop at my genuine happiness for him (because I AM happy for him)–no, they had to roll down the complex hill, into emotional valley. I think part of my emotional complex about all of this is that I feel guilty for basically not making more of an effort to “visit” over the past year because I took it for granted that he was a couple hours down the road…but visits work in both ways and he didn’t necessarily make that much of an effort either…

In any situation, I can say that he sincerely does care about me as a person and cares deeply about our friendship. That I DO know, regardless of  how silly he’s been.

I have no idea how all of this is going to go, but fact of the matter is, it’s happening and I’ve got to mentally accept it. If our friendship is strong enough, we’ll keep it going, I guess.

Here Comes Goodbye…

I took a miniature family vacation this past weekend. Obviously as an adult I don’t vacation with my family too often, but every so often we’ll link together for a short weekend getaway. This weekend’s venture was to an amusement park, which just so happened to be in the same city blast from the past lives in. I’ve admittedly been a bit “distant”  both physically and emotionally in our friendship over the past few months (part of this was due to dealing with heartache), but I figured I’d use the quick weekend trip as a way for us to link over dinner or drinks.

We made plans for dinner Saturday night. The hotel my family and I were staying in was about four blocks from his condo in downtown, so he promised to swing by to pick me up. I opted not to stay with him this trip due the obligations of “family time”. I figured we could always do the hanging out thing another weekend when I visited the city solo, right?

His camaro pulled up about 7 p.m. in front of the hotel, I hoped in (freshly showered and all dolled up) and we were off to dinner. We small talked (as we usually do) on the journey over…about gas prices, the weather, our jobs, etc. Typical chit chat. We arrived at dinner on the other side of the city around 7:30–a classy-ish sports bar decorated with photos of the historic sites of the city. We’d been to this spot a couple of times together, but this time just felt different and I couldn’t put my finger on why.

We immediately dived into conversation shortly after sitting down. He seemed to be a semi chatty mood, which isn’t always the case when we’re together. He updated me on his family: his sister’s pregnancy, his cousin’s (who also lives in town) engagement, his dad’s numerous cross country trips now that he’s retired, etc. All seemed well with them (mostly). Throughout the conversation he kept bringing up Denver and how in visiting his father (who splits his time between Denver/Aspen and Miami), he’s grown to love skiing. Cool story, bro. He must have rambled on about this for nearly fifteen minutes before asking had I ever been to Denver and had I ever been skiing?

We laughed as I painted a picture of me stumbling down a mountain and breaking every bone in my body.

Falling down a mountain.gif

 

Highly amused, he smiled and said:

You should come to Denver sometime.

His words seemed a bit off putting. I wasn’t sure if he meant visiting in general or going there with him when he visits his father. Once upon a time ago when we dated, he constantly brought up bringing me home to meet his family, but of course over the course a year, those plans never quite came together (I did end up meeting his mother when she came to town to visit on his birthday weekend, though). Why would they now as friends? I learned to stop taking guys seriously when they say shit like that.

I don’t know anyone in Denver…but I guess I could visit at some point. Let me know when you go there next and maybe we can coordinate.

I figured that was the end of the Denver conversation, but he kept going on about it. He talked about the economy, the sales tax (or lack thereof?), the weather, the public transportation, the frequency and cost of flights from here to there. He wouldn’t get off of it.

You’re probably wondering why I keep bringing up Denver, huh?

A bit sauced, I chuckled and told him that no, I really WASN’T wondering why he kept bringing up Denver. Like with everything else, I just assumed he was just rambling…but that’s when shit got real serious.

That’s because I’m moving there.

Surprisingly my first reaction was genuine happiness for him.

That’s great, I’m so happy for you! That’s so exciting 🙂

And truth be told, I was happy for him. This was huge for his career! He went on to explain how he had put his condo up for sale, how he was flying out the following weekend to look for houses, how he had already decided what moving company he was going to use and even how he was transporting his precious camaro instead of driving it the 18 hours cross country. His words kind of trailed off as I started to slowly process everything he was saying. I watched his lips move as I tuned him out. I asked how long he knew and he told me the news was relatively new. About two weeks. He explained how he felt that he “owed it to me” to break the news in person, instead of over the phone. Funny thing is, we’ve been in semi frequent communication over the past few weeks…

I start my new job July 1st. You should visit.

I mentally checked out shortly after the news broke. It was all fairly bittersweet. While happy for him, it dawned on me that he was moving. Across the fucking country. This would drastically change the dynamic of our already strained friendship for sure. Granted, we had already been through this song and dance one other time before. Shortly after we broke up–maybe not even a full month, he accepted a job in the city he lives in now (about 2.5 hrs west of here). At the time, I wanted him gone out of anger. Whatever. Good riddance. I didn’t want to run into him and see his face, He cheated and the last thing I wanted to do was be associated with him. I wanted him out of my life for good and what better way to get closure than for him to move away.

We didn’t talk much between our breakup, his new job announcement and actual move. Those weeks leading up to him leaving were all kind of a blur as I was processing the demise of our relationship and attempting to move on. I did do him the favor of helping him pick up his uhaul for the move, but I left my good deeds at that. He moved, I wrote him out of my life and for the better part of 4-5 months he was the one attempting to initiate any sort of contact or friendship. I made very little effort with him. I eventually let go of my anger and slowly (at a safe distance) decided to welcome him in as a friend again. But only as a friend and on my terms. His relationship with the girl he cheated on me with fizzled out not even 2 months after he moved (which is not surprising since it was long distance). He hasn’t dated or been in a relationship since (at least nothing serious). Fastforward five years, a move, several dates/situationships/boyfriends later and we’ve managed to remain friends and through all of that, he’s now moving across the fucking country.

Our ride back to downtown was quiet. I was still brewing on his move and how those last few moments of silence would probably be the last time we saw one another for a while. Sure, I could visit or he could visit, but plane tickets are not cheap. I don’t have $300 just sitting around waiting to be spent. We already barely see one another 4 times a year and we live about 300 hundred miles away in the same damn state. What would cross country look like? Am I ready to accept that, that could be the end of it?

As he pulled up to my hotel I stressed to him the importance of keeping in touch and being fucking responsive. He’s admittedly really shitty at that (probably THE WORST at it), which makes maintaining any sort of normal friendship with him difficult at times, especially long distance. The crazy thing is, he genuinely (in person) seems to want me in his life. Anyway, he promised he would keep in touch, but I’ll believe it when I see it. I’m not counting on it and I refuse to be the only one making an effort.

He gave me a long hug goodbye and that was that. That was it. As he drove off, I became a bit angry as I realized I was robbed out of a proper goodbye. He essentially knew he was moving and failed to tell me this prior to this weekend. I was blindsided. Had I known he was moving, I would have made more of an effort to rearrange my weekend to spend more time with him.

good bye

Instead, we spent our last moments in a sports bar, downing warm beers and making empty promises. What a crock of shit.

This situation (for me) has been emotionally complex. While I no longer feel romantic feelings towards him, we’ve become good friends and I’ve grown used to him being around. It’s taken many years to get to the point where we’ve even been able to be good friends (he’s actually at times referred to me as his “best friend”).  I’ve taken it for granted that I could just shoot down the road three hours for the weekend for a temporary “get away” if I needed it and now even that’ll be gone. In the grand scheme of things whether he’s a 3 hour car ride or a 4 hour plane ride away, he’s still away and has been so for almost five years.

I really hate goodbyes, especially rushed ones. I’m going to have to accept the possibility that we’ll probably lose touch eventually. Life (as it always has a way of doing) will get in the way and soon we’ll shoot each other annual “happy birthday” texts and that’ll be it.

 

I’m A Mess.

I’ve had my head in the clouds lately. Sometimes it’s just easier to live my life in this alternative fantasy world where MOST things make sense than to trudge through my actual reality which at times has become strenuous, confusing and an overall mess. Sometimes I feel like I’m watching my life unfold as as a spectator and all I can do is just look on in total disbelief.

Dr. strange

I do this a lot when I don’t want to face the hard truth of things, like how what I want romantically isn’t actually syncing up with what I’m saying and actually doing at the moment.

I had dinner the other night with some of my female friends that I’ve grown fairly fond of in the past few months. I don’t have a great deal of “good” female friends, but these chicks get me. There was no special occasion, just simply getting together to catch up without the guys (mutual friends and baes).

The appearance of one of my friends in the group has been a bit more sparse lately due to her recently getting in a relationship. We’ve all met her guy a time or two and we all “approve” of him for now. He treats her well and she seems happy. While she didn’t occupy a great deal of time talking about him at our dinner, the times she did (briefly) mention him, she looked so happy and that made my entire evening. While I found myself genuinely being happy for my friend, I couldn’t help but to wonder what exactly am I doing with my life? My friend has been seeing her now boyfriend for about the same amount of time that I’ve been dating BF, which definitely hit me like a ton of bricks the other night as I thought about that…

Should I be at that stage? Do I want that? Do I even want that with BF specifically? Eh…

Tune in on next week’s episode of Issa situation…to find out!

For a few weeks now, I’ve definitely come to the conclusion that I want something more out of these interactions I’ve been having. Sure, several months ago (freshly off of heartbreak), I wasn’t interested in anything of substance or long term. My last relationship (I feel) moved entirely too fast in that general direction without allowing me a lot of time to truly assess or even process how I felt or what I even wanted. The period of time between our initial stages of getting to know each other and full blown relationship was super condensed and blurred. It felt like I was watching a car accident in slow motion the entire time and I kept waiting to feel the impact, but was powerless to stop it.

 

Car accident gif

I distinctly remember very early in approaching the entire thing logically and keeping my distance emotionally, but eventually the pool of absurdness and infatuation creeped up on me. It was mostly about how my ex felt, what he wanted and I just joined him along on the whirlwind of a ride because I genuinely liked spending time with him as a person. I found myself mostly doing things he wanted to do or doing things for him instead of for myself, but I wanted to because he was kind and  nurturing. It was like someone took all of the things I strive to be to others and threw it into this guy. He’s probably the nicest and most genuine person I’ve met, but he’s just not “my person”. I felt uneasy during 95% of the relationship because I felt out of control. He was the driver and I could see we were heading full speed ahead towards a cliff, but I felt I needed to balls up and push through because I had, “made a commitment” to be in the relationship (even though it felt slightly forced and rushed). He was the kind of boyfriend that wanted to show off our relationship to the world and told everyone in his life about me in explicit detail very shorty after we met and started dating. Meanwhile, I was more quiet and kept him and the details of our affairs on a “need to know basis” until I felt I was ready to disclose it (my mother found out we were in a relationship by stalking him on FB, since I gave very little details about the “guy I was dating”). The entire thing gave me emotional whiplash (and left me black and blue) after plummeting down that cliff, so after dusting myself off, I decided I wanted to ease back into the “dating pool” in a very casual, non-commitment kind of way and I wanted to take total control over that. Never again did I want to go through that whirlwind BS. I wanted to approach dating from more of an, “maybe I need to date around to figure out what I want”, or “I just want to have fun getting to know someone without the expectation or assumption that we’ll get married someday” perspective.

Simple, right?

On paper, yes…but IRL, dating can be a bit more complex than that at least as time moves on. You fall into habits. Your interests intertwines. You experience things together, but feelings aren’t necessarily stagnant and nothing is promised. Initially things sort of went my way and all was right with the world. I was having my cake and eating it too. I was dating, but not formally feeling required to commit. It was all fun. It was freeing. I had the benefit of doing all of these quasi-relationship things, but on my own terms and with very little responsibility. It was exhilarating. It was liberating…

Now I’m just a bit bored, jaded and cranky. Mostly cranky, haha. What started out as being a lot of lighthearted fun has now become a bit of chore and at times an annoyance and a huge time suck. I don’t particularly find myself being overly excited about any of it anymore, at least not for the reasons I should be. It just interferes with other things that I’d prefer to be doing. It’s become a task that I feel like I need to check off of my “to-do list”. I also find myself being legitimately exasperated if we’re not physically intimate each time we’re together ESPECIALLY if we’re over my place. I’ve never been this person before. Yikes.

This isn’t to say that I don’t like BF or he’s not a great guy (at times a bit silly and a bit reckless, but means well), but any time I try to place him in the role of someone I could see myself actually working towards something more with, the image doesn’t really translate in the way that it should and I get agitated. I’m not sure if he’d jive well with my friends (maybe he would), I’m not sure what my parents would think about him (my dad hates every guy I date–). I don’t know how he’d take knowing that I have anxiety and bouts of depression, I don’t even know if he’d have the patience to understand that sometimes I just need my space and that it’s not personal. It’s like he has the potential to be all of these things, but I would need to trust that he’d take it seriously and trust that I won’t go through the trying experience I went through before. I’m on the defense, like a wounded animal at times, but I hide it all under the facade of being carefree, sweet, charming and “content”. I don’t need anyone, I tell myself, because I don’t. I’m fine on my own, but the idea of having someone there, isn’t necessarily off putting.

I’m that cool chick that doesn’t nag to you about trivial shit. I’m agreeable. I’m easy. I’m not “emotional” (HA), I get it.  I’m like one of the guys…but…you see where this is going, haha. He has no idea any of this is going on in my head, but then again, he’s a smart guy, I’m sure he’s aware that something’s brewing in there. I’m just not sure I feel the level of (emotional) intimacy with him (or anyone right now) to reveal my vulnerability in that way, without appearing weak or needy. Essentially, I’m using our physical intimacy as a replacement for all of that, because who has time for emotions? Who has time to have a soul? No one wants to talk about that uncomfortable shit. It drowns out the conversations we should be having. Our silences, grins, embraces and sounds of satisfaction fill in those gaps. I seek out reasons to be “annoyed” with his actions (some are justified though), to lessen my lukewarm admiration for him, so that I have the upper hand, so that I can back out of this at any time without remorse or regret or too many losses…so that I’m in control.

Jesus. I just psychoanalyzed myself. I’m a mess.

img_5818

Other friends of mine (without fully understanding the finer details of our interactions because I intentionally gloss over talking about BF in a lot of detail–some of them have just now learned his first name) have decided that he’s “practically” my boyfriend based off of “time in”. No, no, no, it doesn’t work that way. Like, at. all. That’s not how any of this works.

I thought about this yesterday evening as we linked up. We had been making plans to see Infinity War for the better part of a week and decided to meet after work (midway between our jobs) to check it out. Even though this would make my third time seeing it, I really wanted to see it with him because he had been excited about it for some time. He paid for our tickets, held my hand, asked about my day, made little jokes to make me laugh….all of those cute little date effects. While, I’m not crazy about movie dates and I’m even less crazy about formalized WEEK night dates, it was good to see him. It’s been about a week and a half since we’ve seen each other due to work, traveling and other obligations and part of dating I guess, is maintaining that momentum of…well…seeing each other? I guess at least we’ve been in touch daily? But is that necessary? If I suddenly decided not to respond to his messages today, would he notice? Would this trigger alarm for him? Would he care to know that I was “ok”?

Obviously, since we were seeing a movie, we were’t able to talk much (outside of before and after), so none of my ridiculous thoughts came up. We small talked mostly (about our work days, the weather, the themes of the movie, being tired…) I just attributed my serious composure to being tired (I was actually very tired). He walked me to my car and  embraced me for a while, before calling it a night to head back to his place to get ready for bed.

Wow. This was much longer than I anticipated…

All in all what it boils down to is that I was burned and while I’ve licked most of my wounds and moved on from it, I’m hell bent on never repeating that situation again. How stupid could I have been? The idea of a genuine relationship seems appealing, but scares me all at the same time. It’s a lot to risk. There are all the what ifs. While I’d eventually like to work towards a relationship, I’m definitely not ready for one now. The trouble is, I’m not sure if the guy I’m dating is “my person” or even the person that I want to work with in moving towards a relationship. I need to figure out what’s more important to me in this moment: Doing casual, quasi-relationship things with someone fun and carefree without responsibility for my actions (or responsibility for his) or starting over again and seeking out a more embedded and complex connection with someone new with the specific intentions of long term, but with the understanding (for them) that it won’t happen overnight.

Hmm…

“We Don’t Talk Anymore”

I’m just getting back in from a surprisingly wonderful weekend that I spent with an old ex (not the most recent one). Long story very short, we’ve been “friends” since we stopped being romantically involved several years ago…but not without some strange gray areas, false starts and backslides here and there. We’ve managed to remain as good of friends as much as humanly possible given the circumstances of our untimely demise, (though it took us a good six months to a year to even BEGIN to reestablish a friendship in the aftermath). That side tangent is for another day and time though. Just know it involved some lowkey infidelity and broken trust (and not on my end either).

For the past year and some change we’ve been “strictly platonic”, but mostly out of touch as I found myself in a relationship (then heartache) and he’s been occupied by work travel and whatever else. We saw each other very briefly (for lunch) a few weeks before Christmas (while he was passing through town for a few hours), in the midst of me going through a breakup (so I was mentally and emotionally checked out), but we’ve otherwise not been in touch until my birthday a few weeks ago, where he’s repeatedly invited me down to his place for a weekend for about three weeks straight (I’ve declined each time minus the last time he asked).

we don't talk anymore

I finally took him up on the offer this past weekend. I hadn’t been out of town in a while, so what better excuse than to visit him to make travel moves? Fun fact here, I haven’t been to his city since October of last year when I visited with my ex, without informing him that I was in town or even in a relationship.

whoops

When I arrived Friday night, I was taken back by how much he had changed. I knew he had been eating a little healthier for the past few months, but he looked like a completely different person. He was toned…he looked healthy…he looked happy…he looked REALLY good. He almost resembled what he looked like when first started dating in our mid-20s. He was so adorable back then. I was really caught off guard, but in a good way. Not only had he physically changed, he wasted no time showing off his new ride. He’s always been a muscle car guy though and has shamelessly been PART of the reason we started dating in the first place (because I talked “car talk” with him for hours and he found that to be “impressive”). He even taught me how to drive stick. He previously had a mustang before swapping it out for the Camaro. He definitely knows how to give me lady boners with his choice in cars. The SS is a fucking beast though. Black on black, V-8, 405 horsepower, 20 inch rims, GPS, Sunroof, Spoiler, Backup camera, Wifi, Leather seats, dual climate control, push button start, real time traffic alerts, just to name a FEW features.

Anyway, the entire weekend he seemed different, maybe more present in the moment?Unlike visits in the past, he mostly stayed away from dicking around on his phone and gave me his undivided attention. He even treated for dinner and drinks every place that we went, fixed my laptop (he also works in IT like my most recent ex–apparently I have a “type”) and gave/bought me a new laptop bag because mine was “subpar”. I got the vibe from him that he actually wanted me there and I have to say that it felt nice. It also felt nice to be pampered. One thing that he kept doing that was sort of weird was how he kept gazing at me with this half mooned goofy smile. Sometimes he would do this for several minutes as if he was daydreaming while listening to me talk, watching me eat/drink or just glancing over at me while stopping at traffic lights and walking around. I know that “look” all too well and it’s something I haven’t seen in a good little while. Oh boy…

charlie puth hearts

When I loaded my truck to leave Sunday after brunch, he gave me this long speech about how good it was to have me around, how much fun he had and how he was hoping there wouldn’t be such a long gap between our visits the next time we get together…because “we don’t [seem to] talk anymore”. He also emphasized all of those “feels” via text while I was driving home.

He doesn’t really “text” like that….so that also caught me off guard.

The entire way back I kept thinking about the weekend and how I was absolutely under no circumstances going to go BACK down the dark and desolate road of playing, “TAG, I have a crush on you” with him as we’ve done back and forth (and at times at the same time) over the past few years. It actually took getting in my last relationship to kill off any “lingering” romantic feelings I had left for him and I’ll be damned if any of those are about to resurface over ONE weekend. While on paper we’re a great match, IRL we’re not good for each other in that way. Not to mention, we’ve both changed significantly since then. I’m not even the same person I was when I met him, especially not now. Being romantically him for a year really triggered my anxiety and depression so bad that I had to seek therapy for the first time in my adult life and I’m just getting to a point where I feel better about managing it.

To make the events of the past weekend even more awkward, my mom actually seemed ecstatic that we reconnected and told me she “missed” him visiting because he’d always help with fixing things around the house because he likes to tinker. Um, no ma’am.

No charlie

In other news, I have a pretty crazy week at work, with an equally busy (but fun) weekend ahead, including date plans with Babyface, helping a friend move, a game night and some crazy antics out on the town with friends. I better rest up while I can.

Also, since I stole the title of this blog post from the Charlie Puth song, “we don’t talk anymore”, I might as well link a performance of the song. I think it’s fitting for the contents of this post:

 

32

I didn’t wake up perky or with a renewed sense of self this morning. It’s cloudy, cold and rainy outside. Staying in bed this morning would have been my preferred option as the weather certainly matches my mood today.

Aside from major car issues (I put my suv in the shop for brake pads and was told basically every fluid that could leak was leaking, my water pump was on the fritz, my engine was making a “grinding noise”, my transmission has “transmission issues”, I need rotors in ADDITION to brakes etc) to the tune of $2,068, I’m not sure what else has me so “blah”. I had sort of been looking forward to this day for a few weeks and now it’s here and very underwhelming. Maybe my depression/anxiety is trying to make an uninvited appearance.

As I usually do (or what I have done every birthday since turning 30), I went to Denny’s for a quiet (free breakfast). I don’t really like Denny’s, but it’s free and it sort of kickstarts the day for me. After breakfast, I stopped by Wal-Mart to pick up flowers for my co-worker (who just started last week), because it’s her birthday as well (she is also in a “blah mood” today so we “bonded” over that). She’s young (right out of college–we went to the same school actually), so I thought that would brighten her day). Usually doing nice things for people brightens my day too, but I only felt a flash of warmth in my heart before kind of returning to this “blah” state of mind that I’m in.

I think part of this weird mood is stemming from validation. I typically don’t NEED daily validation on things. I’m pretty confident in my job, friendships, and other relationships that I have, but my birthday is the one day of the year where I like to be feel validated. I like to feel like I’m a person people genuinely appreciate and care about…and I know that I am…but I guess particularly hearing it, seeing it, hell even feeling it helps ON my brithday helps. I spend 364 days out of the year trying to be as kind, helpful and loyal to the people in my life as I can… I’m not necessarily talking about a parade or other such absurdness, but simply recognizing that it’s my birthday makes me happy and I don’t feel a lot of that this year…Granted I’m going to out tomorrow with a bus load of friends who “know” it’s my birthday (I’m assuming by this point), so maybe I’ll “feel” it there. I guess I shouldn’t gauge my importance based on social media shoutouts or text messages.

In other news I did have the teacher take me out for “fancy” sit down pizza the other night for my birthday, which was so very sweet. He was very kind and kept complimenting me, even though I probably looked like shit since I had been running around all day. I actually ended up having a great time with him. The effort he made there was huge. It will be interesting to see if babyface acknowledges it at all, even though he explicitly knows when it is, since he has his on Sunday and we just had this conversation last week. I don’t doubt that we’ll talk back and forth today and he won’t even mention it. I’m not really expecting much from him on that and maybe I shouldn’t. Although nice and respectful, he seems very suppressed in his emotions in general.

Update:: as I published this, babyface DID remember and sent me a really sweet and encouraging text 🙂

Speaking of which, another guy that I’ve seen twice (never wrote about), before deciding that I didn’t want to proceed any further with him (and told him this), reamed me in a text message at like 6 this morning. I guess he really needed to get his emotions out. More on our conversation here. His utter inappropriateness so early REALLY infuriated me and the fact that followed up that text with a dozen others basically reiterating what the first one said was enough for me to want to be really ugly to him in return, but maturity. He’s about three text messages away from getting BLOCKED because I’m tired of repeating myself.

*sigh*

Well, the silver lining here is I’m only working a few hours today before taking off to hopefully enjoy the rest of my day. That alone should do wonders for my mood.

*fingers corssed*

PS: One of my co-workers just popped her head in my office to tell me she has a stomach virus and touched all over my desk and door.

Chris tucker.gif