It’s hard to believe it’s been an entire year since the split that (at the time) seemed to rock my entire world and I feel blessed to be able to look back on that experience today and be at peace with it.
Looking back on it, the relationship was probably doomed from the start. My ex (while still a very kindhearted and lovely guy), wasn’t entirely ready or even patient enough to build a new relationship with someone from the foundation up. At the time, I didn’t realize he had dealt with a broken engagement several months prior to us dating, which explains many of his (at the time) questionable and irrational actions and mannerisms. I can’t even begin to imagine or understand the pain of losing someone you thought you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with. I felt the entire relationship from our first date or our breakup was super rushed and colorfully chaotic. While fun and romantic, it lacked a great deal of crucial foundation. Milestone after milestone after milestone, when in reality being formally engaged, he probably missed many of those relationship comforts and longed to experience love again with someone new, but quickly to maybe fill a void. This is not to say our relationship wasn’t real or that he didn’t genuinely care about me, though, because I know that he did (as did I).
Unfortunately, I am not a replacement for an ex-fiancee and I’ve never claimed to be (nor do I ever want to be) and if I could have done anything in my power to take that hurt away from him or heal his heart, I would have done so in an instant. He was a good guy and treated me extremely well, but his heart wasn’t ready to be legitimately open during our time. I don’t think his intentions were to ever hurt me and I’ve forgiven him for the hurt I had to endure as a result. While I wouldn’t call us friends (though he’s referred to me as such), we are currently on good terms and occasionally catch up with one another from time to time. Knowing that he’s doing well in life genuinely makes me happy, he deserves it.
Building a relationship with someone is hard work and not something that I think should be rushed. Corners should not be cut. There are not shortcuts, back roads or detours. You have to be all in and committed to it. It takes time to build that trust and grow the relationship into something beautiful (and strong). To force a relationship forward past all of the initial building phases is emotionally reckless and almost never ends well. I think it’s natural in the earlier stages to have some infatuation over your S.O., but the entire relationship shouldn’t solely exist off of that feeling.
I spent yesterday reflecting on some of the night it happened and just how hurt I was. How could this happen? What did I do wrong? Will I ever open my heart like that again? But then I thought beyond that night and how much I’ve grown (emotionally) as a person over the past year since. I am so proud of what I’ve become. I am a much stronger person. It’s definitely been an interesting ride, but I couldn’t be happier with how life turned out.