Old Flames (that won’t die out)


I believe he really likes me and that’s scary. It’s scary, because I know in the back crevices of my mind that feeling is mutual. Beyond all of his quirkiness, he’s a genuinely sweet guy, that would do just about anything for me without expecting anything in return. He’s really intelligent, funny & independent. We’ve been here before…nearly 4 years ago, when we were actually dating and it was mutually understood that we were progressing towards something serious, but then everything went to shit…

He’s been different lately. He’s really “grown up” in these past few years. He’s not as selfish, he really listens, he fixes things around my house or on my car, loves my cat,  pays for dinner, drinks, movies, he spent 2 hours helping my dad build a gazebo two weeks ago!! He just brought me $100 router because he remembered me mentioning that mine was on the fritz (and he set it up for me)–yes, I know this entire paragraph is a grammatical mess.

What normal friend does any of that?  Don’t get me wrong, my friends are all awesome people, but my point is that they aren’t wining and dining me and trying to impress my parents.

When we talk on the phone he’s  encouraging when I’m stressed & actually asks my how I FEEL instead of being dismissive and rambling on about himself while I just listen. He now says things like, “It’s always good to talk to you”,  “I’m looking forward to seeing you”, or “I really had a good time with you”.

When we’re having a conversation face to face sometimes he’ll just gaze at me and smile, even if I’m not saying anything humorous. It’s like he’s in the clouds.


He often slips up and refers to my place as “home” in letting me know he’s on the way and I don’t correct him. After all, he has a key for a while and every time he leaves, he leaves a trail of his toiletries behind, which I believe is on purpose. Both of my bathrooms are littered with shower gels, shampoos, shaving creams, hair gels, deodorants, toothpastes, mouthwashes, etc. and several articles of his clothing are strung around the house. You would think I have a man living with me full time. I don’t tend to leave things at his place, at least not on purpose. My toiletries cost too much money to part with them for weeks on end like that.

He lives about two hours away now (we used to live in the same city, but he got a new job about 2.5 years ago after stomping on my heart to breifly see someone else), but his company has an office here in town that very frequently (at least lately) seems to send him there. I’m starting to think that he’s just volunteering to come here for any reason at all and using his job as an excuse to visit me. Of course he does visit without coming here for work occasionally.

My assessment with all of this is that he cares and probably wants something more, but may not be confident enough to make that move or may be afraid that he fucked up that opportunity years ago. I’m not always that easy to read, I admit that, but in my defense, I always make it known if I’ve enjoyed someone’s company or if I miss them. I always tell him these things, always have.

Ultimately, it could be a slippery slope though, especially with how things ended the last time we decided to date.Throw in the added complexity of it being long distance (about a 2-2.5 hour drive), and you’ve got a really tricky situation. I value our friendship too much to let that go if things go south (again). Part of me doesn’t want to entertain any part of this charade, because throwing labels on things too quickly can backfire, but at the same time, I’ve had numerous reminders lately that life is moving while I’m still stuck in neutral thinking, “what if”.

I attended an old friend’s baby shower the other day. We’re the same age and she’s married and VERY pregnant. Some other high school acquaintances were there and one of them happened to mention how she had been married for seven years. It really made me wonder where the hell I went wrong in life? Shouldn’t I be married or at least in a serious relationship ?

I know I shouldn’t compare myself to my peers, but it does put a different perspective on this situation and how I want something substainal. I want to know that the guy I’m with is very serious about our relationship and in growing together. I’m getting too old for samples and trial memberships.

Maybe I’m  just realizing that I’m lonely…

 

Advertisements

Dirty 30

Today is my 30th birthday.

This_is_too_much_gif.gif

The good news is I didn’t wake up dead, but today has been a little bit of an adjustment…mostly just a mental adjustment. Kind of like 20…but more important.

I started the weekend leading up to the big day spending it out of town with a friend–well, a guy I kind of dated for the better part of a year–but “friend” nonetheless.

Anyway, the weekend was great. He pampered me all weekend. Dinners, movies, breakfast/medicine in bed (I woke up sick Saturday), movies, brunches, shopping. Because of a huge event going on in his city this past weekend, we tried to spend as much time out of traffic as we could. We even gamed for a few hours. It was fun, it was chill. We got along perfectly well. Our conversation(s) never ran dry. He gave me his undivided attention. I felt completely relaxed and comfortable. I haven’t felt that way in a really long time (with anyone).I really MISS that. As sweet as he was being this weekend, part of me is making an effort to be more emotionally mature and not completely latch on to this situation for much more than a weekend visit. Whatever will be, will be.

I took the day off of work today (my actual birthday), mostly because I knew being at work would have sucked the absolute life of me (it’s been a crazy couple of weeks and I don’t feel like getting into everything in this post). Until today, I’ve never even had my birthday off. I’ve always been in school or at work. It nice to have a day to myself. It was a quiet day, but relaxing. I got up and went to Denny’s for a FREE breakfast, went grocery shopping and then met up with my parents for lunch (also had a free coupon for birthday food), a movie and dinner. Sure, I could have gone to the moon and back drunk off my ass, but I wanted to bring this birthday in a little more calmly. Maybe I’m turning over a new leaf…well, until later this month when I finish bringing in my birthday with a weekend of insanity with some bffs of mine out of town. Hey, I still have some ridiculousness to shake out of these bones.

gurl yas.gif

This Last Month

Today marks the exact last month of my 20s (well, technically I have 29 days since this isn’t a full month). I would like to spend this last month of my youth reflecting on what I’ve learned in my 20s.  Perhaps I’ll do a blog series entitled: “29 things I learned in my 20s” or some shit.