Waves

waves

I spent the past weekend “off the grid” and out of town with family, taking a break from social media (including blogging), texting, email, etc was MUCH needed. Constantly checking, tweeting, posting, reading, absorbing, replying was starting to trigger my anxiety. It was nice to have a few days to just enjoy family time and live in the moment (which I did).

I still haven’t really spoken to my family about the breakup in specific detail, but I just haven’t felt like I’ve been in the best place emotionally to dive into that yet (until semi recently). I basically left it at, “we decided to take an indefinite break because our expectations no longer align.” I assured them that I was ok and we were on good terms (which is sort of a half truth/half lie or whatever). I never told them how he came over 2-3 days before our cruise to end things or how our fragmented communication/outings since have just further pushed back the healing process, how there are still days (less days now) where getting out of a bed is a struggle, how running into him/seeing him around town is triggering (we essentially live in the same “suburban borough”) or even how he was previously engaged. I’m not sure if telling them any of those personally specific details even matters at this point, because that was my relationship and not theirs. Ensuring them that I am fine is really my only worry at this point. They have surprisingly not asked me a ton of questions about it, so that helps…but I know it’s coming.

Speaking of ol’ dude, I’ve managed to go the whole year so far without intentionally being in communication with him (that’s like 16 days, but that’s still an accomplishment). I don’t even feel anxious about it, nor do I feel like there is anything to “share” with him. No longer do things really “remind” me of him (minus this past Saturday when I went into a store that had an entire Green Bay Packer’s clothing section and last week when I passed by a bridge that overlooks the city where we would frequently go after dinner at our favorite fancy upscale pizza spot—eh, such is life I guess). Occasionally, I’ll log on to fb messenger and see that he’s “active” or I’ll login to IG with the app listing him as a “Friend” to “nudge” about joining IG (I don’t care if he joins IG, I just know I don’t plan on being his “friend” there). I’ve hidden all of his updates on FB (not that either one of us ever used FB like that anyway) and placed him on a list of people that will see very limited and basic updates from me.  I still have his number on “Do not disturb” on my phone, with the last text he sent me unread and unreplied to…. and of course, I’ve removed all photos of him from my phone. I haven’t even read past text messages from him so far in 2018. The only thing I haven’t done is remove photos of him (us) from my IG account. I thought about deleting or archiving them, but then realized those photos were a part of my life at that particular time, so I left them. My IG is my way of capturing aspects of my life through photos. Since he’s not tagged in them (doesn’t have an IG anyway), his real name is not used, I only referenced him as my “boyfriend” in ONE photo (on national boyfriend day), my IG account is PRIVATE and I so rarely shared ANYTHING he and I did on social media anyway, I felt it was ok to just leave them in the past and leave them alone (for now). The people I’ve been super selective about allowing access to view my IG are close friends anyway and I’m sure they understand. I’ll revisit that if I ever find myself in a “serious relationship” again. Besides, anyone that scrolls back that far on my photos has a problem.

Like I stated before, I don’t think we won’t EVER speak again, but right now is delicate state of recovery for me and I’m serious about getting better. To be fair, I did hint to all of this (keeping my distance and not really being in communication) the last time we seriously spoke.

While continuing to move past him, I’ve been a little more open to date again. I’ve really only been on a handful of dates both online and offline (with guys I’ve quickly realized were not for me), but at least I’m making an effort to keep an open mind. I have yet to meet a guy so far that gives me that same jolt of excitement I got in the initial stages of getting to know my ex—before he and I even had our first date actually. I’m not sure if this always needs to happen in this way or if in some situations this jolt comes later? I guess I’ve dated guys or been in relationships where it came over time, so maybe that’s ok too? I have been more particular about who’ll I’ll date and per the suggestion of my old co-worker, I’ve started to treat this as a project or business meetings with specific “goals” and “outcomes”. It sounds silly, but it saves me from wasting a lot of time.  I know mostly what I’m looking for and I’m really serious about “deal breakers”. Here are some of mine:

  • Drug use
  • Financial instability
  • Lack of goals/motivation
  • Inability to carry on an intelligent conversation
  • Lack of a sense of humor
  • Lack of education
  • Lack of transportation
  • Lack of hobbies

So ok, some of these things are kind of “givens”, but you’d be surprised what you find out about people even after talking to them for a little while. Some of these things start to float to the surface.

Anyway, I’ve rambled on long enough in this post. Hopefully things will continue to be on the up and up. I think I’ve had enough downer days to last me for the better part of a year.

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Initiation.

I feel like I always initiate communication with a lot of the people in my life and it’s exhausting. There are a group of people that will (occasionally) return the favor and I really appreciate them for that.

Just like everyone else, I go through things, I have reasons to celebrate, etc and it’s nice knowing your friend or family member cares and wants to check in with you from time to time.

As a friend, daughter, granddaughter, cousin, etc, I feel like I go out of my way to check in and stay in touch and those same people are not sharing that responsibility.

I understand and respect that everyone is busy (including me most days), but no one should be made to feel like they are in a one sided relationship (romantic or otherwise).

Thirty has opened my eyes to many life lessons in these 7 months and I’m starting to see that I’m expending a great deal of energy on these particular situations.

Maybe I’m over-analyzing this situation or maybe I just need to learn not to care. Either way, change is going to come.