Kiss Me Not

Lately, I’ve been sticking to this new notion of staying true to one of my resolutions of getting out there and staying social. I guess you could toss casual dating in there too, because why not?

I’ve been casually (so very casually) seeing this guy for a handful of weeks now. Originally, I didn’t see him as being my “type”, but he’s slowly starting to maintain my attention.

For starters, we’re about the same height, which I guess isn’t that big of a deal, minus the fact that I occasionally like to wear boots and heels. This is such a superficial thing to be concerned about and I really wish I was a better person than this, but I’m really insecure. I’m already on the taller end for a female (I’m 5’7). I’m used to seeing guys that are at least 3-4 inches taller than me and of course I’ve dated guys almost an entire foot taller than me (which was a bit weird for other reasons). Wearing heels was not an issue with them. With this guy, I’ve made it a huge point to stick to wearing flats, which will be ok because they’re more comfortable, I guess.

Outside of this superficial bullshit I’m attempting to move past, he’s a decent guy. We have a lot in common, he’s very intelligent, independent, a conversationalist, great listener, has his SHIT together, is a sweetheart, is family oriented and is just plan adorable, like a puppy.

He doesn’t stress me out (by being thirsty) and in between times that we see each other, I feel like we communicate an appropriate amount of time. He doesn’t attempt to text message me from sun up to sun down and doesn’t completely go ghost using the excuse that he “doesn’t check his phone”. We may communicate via text message 2, sometimes 3 times a week and usually in the evenings and the conversations are equally initiated.

But I can’t pull myself to think of him more than just someone to have fun with for right now. Maybe not even intimately either. I’m not sure if I want any strings attached to this right now. Maybe like a friend plus? I like him  a little more than a friend, but I haven’t settled on how much yet and maybe that’s ok?

 I guess part of that is the fact that I genuinely care about him (the situationship guy from my past that I link up with from time to time). Sure, he’s emotionally fucked up, but his heart is in the right place and he shows he cares by doing things for me, protecting me and pampering me. We have some history there and I can’t help but to kind of hang on to that. He’s my comfort. It’s weird and I wish I could shut it off some days. He’s just a shitty communicator and sometimes staying in touch with him is more effort than it’s worth.Sure, he reaches out to me too, but it’s exhausting trying to reach out to him. Sometimes he’ll answer and other times he may return your call/text in 3-4 days. Granted, he’s really never been that great at communicating, but I’m older now and this is really aggravating me.

Last Saturday, I was out having dinner with this guy (the casual guy). We talked and laughed for hours.He’s very easy to talk to and we have a similar sense of humor. I had a genuinely good time. We parked in different locations, so he walked me to my car. As we got to the point of the evening to say goodbye, he leans in to kiss me. My reflex was to lean away and hug him instead. Sure, we vibe well…but if I kiss him, that’s going to open flood gates for all of these assumptions and feelings that I personally don’t want to be accountable for right now. At the same time, I like his company, so it’s confusing. We have another date planned for this Saturday, so I may simply ask him what he’s hoping to get out of this (if anything at all) or perhaps I won’t say anything at all and let it ride out. I think this is still in the sweet spot of not needing any definition.

In other news, situationship guy called Sunday night and invited me to spend the weekend at his place–Valentine day weekend at that 👀. I’m not too sure what that means or if it means anything at all. He told me once that he hated V-day, and even though we were only together during 1 V-day, he made it a point to get me a gift and a card. Sure, we had vaguely spoken about me picking up his recliner at some point, but he explicitly said to come that particular weekend, even when I mentioned other weekends over the next two months. Weird.

Oh well, I guess I’ll see what’s up with him and casual guy shortly.

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Relatable Girl Talk 

I had dinner last night with two of my old co-workers, who have recently become good friends. Periodically, we like to get together and catch up. We have this sort of bond from surviving the hell hole that was our last job.

Anyway, we’re all ladies of a certain age with somewhat complicated love lives, so that of course came up. I rarely discuss my love life (or lack thereof), but as I listened to theirs, I felt more compelled to open up.

One co-worker told us about how she got pregnant in college with a guy she was only in love with the idea of being with. She told us for the longest time she could see all of his flaws, but just wanted to be with him for the idea of being a family and comfort.

Parts of her story resonated with me, because for the longest time I’ve been semi emotionally attached to a guy that I’ve been in love with the idea of being with romantically. Sure, we did actually date for just under a year (some years ago), he bruised my heart, we reconnected and now have established a situationship of sorts. I like him, but at times I take a step back to think, “do I really like him or is he just a place of comfort for me?” Sure, he’s a flawed individual just like me, but he’s got a heart of gold and I feel really safe with him. He’s respectful and really values morals. While he may be lacking that emotional availability that I’m longing for, I feel secure in the fact that he would never let anything happen to me because my life is precious to him. Does this make us right for one another though? Suppose he has needs (like mine) that I’m seriously lacking in?

Continuing on with the emotional babble,my other co-worker told us how she is “in love” with one of her current co-workers that’s married and supposedly leaving his wife to eventually be with her. This has been going on for a little over a year. While my co-worker has been patiently waiting on him, she’s growing impatient and has suggested he make a decision (her or the wife) in the next few months. She claims to be able to cut him off if he refuses to make a decision soon and has casually been seeing other guys as to trick/distract her mind into thinking she can emotionally separate herself from him. She finds herself comparing every guy she sees to her co-worker and from the start, none of them measure up. She claims you just can’t help who you love and the heart wants what it wants.

Her situation was also relatable to me. While I’m not in love with a married man, I am in like with someone who at times seems conflicted on what he wants. Like her, I’ve been fairly patient, but we’re not getting any younger and it’s starting to frustrate me. It’s like he’s swimming in the comfort of the gray area because he gets the best of both worlds: gets to experience the admiration of someone who thinks the world of him and is fiercely loyal to him (even when he’s being stupid), but doesn’t have to have the accountability of being in a relationship or even emotional availability. I hung on to the hope of all of this panning out last year, but like my co-worker, I’ve taken a step back and very casually (and I do mean casually without a single ounce of emotion) dating. I actually hate dating and the majority of the time I feel like I’m wasting my energy, because it’s rare that a guy even comes close to measuring up to him. So far nothing has come out of it. I’m mostly doing it to keep my mind distracted. I’ve also made it a point to revisit my social life and have made it my goal to go out at least 2-3 times a week, even if it’s just for dinner.

My co-workers gave me a lot to think about last night. We all agreed that guys sometimes take advantage of our loyalty and assume that we’ll be there for them indefinitely, even when they’re not always being there for us in return. We all agreed that we deserve true reciprocation and reassurance. Life is precious, and while giving a guy space to figure out what he wants, it doesn’t mean that we have to sit around not living our lives and fulfilling our needs forever. Perhaps seeing the threat of his “comfort” drifting away will place things into prospective for him.

Well, that’s about all I feel thinking about  for now. I’ll revisit what I want and how I truly feel in the coming weeks when he and I spend the weekend together.