Fling-A-Ding, Ding.

I unintentionally had a reunion “of sorts” last night with an old fling. When I say unintentionally, I was really just meeting up with a few friends after work at a lowkey neighborhood brewery for some beers, board games and general tomfoolery. Lately, we’ve all gotten together to partake in other avenues of foolishness (like someone’s 30th birthday party that included a hot tub, pool table and foam pit, movies, dinner, trivia, festivals, just to name a few…), but we figured we’d ring it back in for a nice and relaxed kickback to sort of catch up.

So imagine my utter surprise, when I walk up to the bar to order a beer when I see old fling chilling at the bar.

Mind you, we hadn’t seen each over for months and outside of his pathetic attempts of creeping back into my life (via mostly drunken late text messages lately) after full-out ghosting, I’ve kept a pretty firm distance from his (physical) re-entry back into my world. In my mind, we had a no strings attached situation (I was admittedly emotionally checked out), it ended and life goes on. Why revisit that? How would that add value to either one of our lives? My typical rule with ghosting is that when you do it, you better be damn sure that you’re sure of what you’re doing because you’re sending the person you’re ghosting a pretty clear message that you’re cutting all ties with them forever. Foreverever. Foreverever. That’s your decision and any double-backing on that will most certainly (by me) be met by rejection and general apathy for you as a person.

Of course seeing him sitting there nursing a beer (by himself), I couldn’t be a total ass and ignore him. The bar portion of the brewery was small enough (and empty enough at this point) that I couldn’t just go incognito. We exchanged hellos and his face lit up and he leaned in for a kiss–GROSS! I definitely moved away from him as we made forced “how are you doing” chit-chat. He seemed borderline inebriated. About a minute or two into our chat (and just when I was about to exit stage left) a friend of mine popped up and asked when I was coming over so we could start-up a game. Of course, then I sort of felt obligated to introduce my friend and fling since my friend could obviously see I was talking to someone who I “knew”(and my friends are nosy). And of course, I felt a tiny bit of guilt (since I could tell fling was alone) to invite him over to play board games with my friends and I.

What was I doing exactly? Who invites a ghosting fling over to hangout with their friends? Someone trying to build up their karma account, that’s who! (no seriously, I’m not entirely heartless).

Fling got along well with my friends, because my friends are awesome and totally accepting people. He seemed to really have fun and I could tell the interaction perked up his somber mood from earlier when I saw him sitting alone at the bar. Periodically, while playing games, he kept trying to flirt with me or make body contact in any way that he could. I eventually got up and sat away from him to distance myself from his advances the rest of the evening, because what he was NOT ’bout to do was that shit.

Towards the end of the evening, as everyone started to thin out, close tabs and go home, he pulled me aside and asked if I wanted to do dinner (since the brewery had no food and he overheard me tell a friend I came there straight from work). I was pretty hungry by this point and I didn’t have anything prepared at home, so I agreed to dinner. Plus, I wanted to humor any bullshit he was about to pull out of his ass.  Oh, I was ready. We opted for a casual wing place.

I was there to eat. He seemed to be there to eat, back pedal, reminiscence and sweet talk his way back into my “good graces”. It was all white noise to me as I polished off my wings. He walked me to my car after dinner and awkwardly stood there if he expected something from me.

So, this was a nice unexpected date 🙂 ?

I’m sorry. A date? No.

nope - prince with monkey

Nevermind the fact that he’s a fling and I’ve made up my mind that any romance between us is dead, I have a hard time calling dinner, where we go dutch, a “date”. Like, who raised you? To me that’s a hangout and you’ve essentially set the tone for the rest of our encounters, should they even go beyond this first instance. To me, that’s essentially friend-zoning yourself  instantly, which might be my hangups with this other guy. I could go on a tangent about this, but in a nutshell, if you’re asking me to dinner (or otherwise–especially earlier dates) under the assumption that the outing is a indeed a date, it would be nice if you paid for it (this doesn’t need to be an elaborate affair, it could be as simple as paying for a beer), because you’re inviting someone to take time out of their life to spend time with you. Be charming? I believe in equality and I definitely don’t mind “treating” if we’re regularly dating (I actually love doing this), but pull this shit on a legitimate first date and there probably won’t be a second.

Anywho, he leaned in for a kiss, I dodged it and stepped away so that my back was up against my car. I told him it was nice “bumping into” him, but that I wasn’t interested in dating right now (which isn’t a complete lie) He couldn’t have been entirely surprised, but I felt like I needed to be transparent so he’d stop the ridiculous drunken advances and assumptions. He surprisingly took it well or chose to ignore what I said and instead reached for a hug. I pulled the “one-armed-I-don’t-want-to-be-that-close-to-you”, hug.

This was fun, we should do this again. Friends?

 

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Ghosting & Foolishness

I received a text message out of the blue at the end of last week from a fling. I’m going to refer to him as such, because he was the first guy I, “talked to” post breakup last fall. At the time, I didn’t take the guy or the majority of our interactions seriously, because I was an emotional mess (and I told him this) and he was also quite the emotional mess, also dealing with a breakup–as well as a lot of issues (including a few related to mental heath), but hey, no judgement here. At the time, it was just comforting to have someone to talk to.

We did our thing for about a week and a half (we started talking literal days after the break up), hooked up once, talked a bit more after and then *poof* he was gone.

While slightly confused by his disappearance, I wasn’t entirely shocked or even broken up about it. I never took him seriously enough to even consider the possibility of more. It was rude, but at the same time, we really had no business with one another and I needed to really focus on healing before dealing with anyone, so I did…so imagine my shock when I got that, “hey, stranger.” text.

Sidebar: I really hate texts and emails initiated in this way, because it almost always comes from a place of passive aggressiveness and it’s childish.

I gave it a day before I responded by simply replying, “hey”.

So why did he ghost several months ago?

He went on a tangent about “having issues”, being “scared off” because he thought I was beautiful, being concerned that I wasn’t “over my ex” (and at the time I wasn’t, so that was fair). He claimed to be reaching out to me for “closure”.

Alright, cool story bro .

See, that’s where the conversation SHOULD have ended, but he insisted on knowing if I was “mad” at him or had “thought about him”

No? Wtf? I was so over him and his foolishness that I could barely even remember a lot about him. I was in such an emotionally chaotic state that my entire memory from our brief encounter was virtually nonexistent. He seemed offended when I told him this and decided to “let me know” that he still thought about me and wondered if he still had a chance.

Ha. No he asked this. In all seriousness though, ghosting is a really rude thing to do and had he simply communicated whatever concerns/fears he had I would have respected him, understood and simply moved on…but to descend on my life out of the blue and simply expect us to “pick up” where we left off is selfish. Does he really think I’ve been on “pause” since he disappeared?

Friday night, while getting trashed with some friends while at dinner and Disney trivia (don’t judge, it had been a hellish week and reminiscing about Disney movies while drunk was hilarious), he kept asking if we should, “try again” and that we had some, “real chemistry” and did I remember x,y and z conversation? He kept rambling on about this until I finally admitted to being drunk the majority of our past conversations and that I was currently “seeing someone” and the “situation” was very physical.

Yeah, he wasn’t too happy to hear any of that, to be honest, but I felt it was in my best interest to be transparent, even though he decided to ghost 👻 without any explanation or anything.

He told me he felt “guilty” about it and it weighed “heavily” on him right after he did it. Ok? And?

Truth of the matter is, I don’t see an “us” in the stars. He’s a mess, I’m a (little less of a) mess and I’m a different person than I was when we had our fling. I’m not interested or invested in reviving anything, especially with someone who could just as easily do that again. I especially refuse to commit to someone like that. I’m not even angry at him, I’m just disgusted that he would even think he still deserves space in my life in that capacity. How would he have felt if i did that to him? I’d be all of the “bitches”, “assholes”, “sluts”, “cunts” he could utter. To me, we did our thing, now that’s done and I’ve moved on. I don’t think anything about him, really.

I left our conversation with offering platonic friendship, but that’s it. Am I an asshole for that? Maybe. But this new awakening I’ve had since then says he’s going to create a wave of stress in my life otherwise and I’m good on stress right now.

My Feelings Need A Brain

I spend the a lot of my day concerning myself with how other people feel, how I come across to people, how maybe I could have said or done something a little differently and some days it just mentally and emotionally drains me. Truth me told, some people will be butthurt regardless of what/how you say/do something. It’s inevitable and as I’ve grown older, I’ve learned to spend a little less of my time occupying brain space with this.

But there are still times where I step outside of myself to say, “wow, I was really an asshole”.

Take the other day for instance. I was in a funny and fucked up mood. I’m not even sure if it was entirely the fling’s obnoxious fault, but mostly because I was in a funny mental and emotional space (and I was extremely sleep deprived). I’m a different person than I was a year ago and I have different priorities. Things I found semi useful to concern myself with seem like a waste of energy now.

I guess I was a tad off putting, but mostly because I didn’t want our only interactions to be the tango in the sheets and I just knew in his mind that was his primary goal for the end of the evening. Been there, done that. Is it wrong of me to assume this guy has an ounce of favorable qualities to just be a great companion? Apparently. I can’t think of much else he has to offer. I guess when he was genuinely interested he put in effort and will carry on a conversation, but I wonder if that was all was a ploy. Perhaps.

I’m really jaded towards a lot of guys for that reason.

Another reason I think I might have been coy is disconnected is because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. He runs circles around the fling and even though they’re in the same career, they are as different as night and day. He reminds me what it’s like to be treated like a lady and not a piece of meat. I never go out with him feeling like I “owe” him anything.  I’m visiting him for this upcoming long weekend and I guess my mind has mostly been there and not here, dealing with the fling.

Anyway, part of me feeling like I should apologize to the fling for maybe being a bit distant. I think he mentioned getting together this evening, but I’m sure that means dropping me a text at 10 p.m. talking about, “Hey, I’m about to go to bed, come over and cuddle.” As if I’m not important enough to make ACTUAL plans with prior to going to bed…

 

side eye and walk away.jpg

Hell, I might not even be awake to side eye the text message because I’m just that tired. Maybe that’s for the best anyway *mutes phone*.