New Year…New ???

This is probably my first post of the New Year. Happy New Year!

Festive sparkling 2019 New Year date

The Holidays (for me, Christmas and New Years) all sort of blurred together in a beautifully chaotic way. I was successfully able to spend an equal amount of time with family, friends, The Teacher and myself (as in, having time away from everyone to just CHILL).

I brought in the new year somewhat quietly. I ended the year with a lovely dinner date sushi with The Teacher, some [retracted] ūüėČ , and a simple champagne toast & drinking/kissing at the stroke of midnight. While none of that may seem like that big of a deal, I’ve admittedly not had a “New Year’s kiss” in ages. It felt nice to have someone TO kiss at midnight. You know, I don’t believe I brought in 2019 wearing actual pants now that I think about it…just my underoos.

Having a lowkey New Years set the tone for me in starting this new year. This is the year is about focusing my energy appropriately. I found that part of my reoccurring frustrations from 2018 came from overextending myself to the point of not leaving room or time for simple moments of self-reflection and relaxation. This seemed to be a constant theme throughout year (and a root of my unhappiness and stress) and one I’m trying to work on in this year. I need to take more time for ME. I’ve always found myself quick to say “yes” to everything for fear of being seen as a bad friend/girlfriend/daughter/employee/cousin/niece/etc ,¬† but I’ve come to the realization that’s it’s ok to say “no” and turn things down. It doesn’t make me a “bad” person, it makes me a wise person for realizing my need for rest and relaxation. A rested me is a much happier me.

Now, making commitments in advance and constantly backing out of them last-minute is not what I’m talking about here. That is what I consider to be flaky behavior and is most DEFINITELY an unfavorable quality in anyone, especially a friend. By saying “no”, this is typically an up front decisive and tactful “no“, not an “I changed my mind in the 11th hour”, or “I’m going to be wishy-washy for no particular reason”, “no”.

The New Year has also been gracious enough to also bless me with this sinus/virus non-sense from hell.

sick.gif

I woke up on New Year’s Day with my throat on fire and I’ve been considerably sick ever since. I rarely get legitimately sick enough to even reference it, but this virus has been going strong now for a solid 11 days. Eleven. Days. What started out as a “common cold” has now progressed into some serious respiratory issues and globs of yummy mucus (TMI, I know) and has beat me to a bloody pulp. My entire body is achy all day long,¬† I’m constantly coughing up GOD knows what, I’m exhausted and I can’t regulate my body temperature to save my life (I go from burning up to freezing cold in minutes). I’m usually super woman and shrug off the “common cold” and go about my business, but I found myself literally cradled in The Teacher’s arms like a helpless baby this past Saturday, wrapped up like a little burrito, shivering uncontrollably and whining about not feeling “well”. I like to joke that he’s quite the baby when he’s sick (he was sick with a similar virus right before Christmas and is just now getting over it), but I’m going to go ahead and say I definitely took the cake this weekend with my performance. Lucky for me, The Teacher is just as much of a nurturer as he is a baby.

Outside of that, I’ve mostly been taking it easy and trying to set some realistic goals for this year. Yes, I’m one of those people who use the start of a new year as an automatic “reset”, because, what better time to “start fresh” than the start of a new year? There are loads of things I’d love to do to “better myself”, but to ensure that these goals are met, I’ve got to narrow them down a bit. Ideally, I want this to be the year that I finally get my finances in order. I’m making more money than I ever have, so it would be wise of me to adjust my budget in a way that allows me to save more money to build up my savings (which took quite the hit last year with unforeseen car repairs). There was a time I wanted to buy a house, but at this stage in my life, I don’t think that’s feasible. It just doesn’t make sense. The more I think about it, the more I realize I’m just not ready. It’s a huge responsibility and one that I’d prefer to tackle once I feel 100% secure in my finances–well secure in my finances and possibly something to do with a partner (because two incomes go further than one). For now, I’d just like to focus on paying off my car loan (only a few months to go), taking the money I WOULD be paying for my car and throwing it in savings, paying off/down credit cards, and student loans and doing better about sticking to my budget.

As for all of the other things I referenced…I’ll get to them… They’ll be present in my mind for now.

Kiss 2018 Goodbye

On NYE last year one of my best friends gifted me this candle. He told me to light it every time I had a sad memory from 2017. The idea was that by the time the candle burned down to the bottom of the glass, all of the pain I felt in the second half of the previous year would also dissipate.¬† Ha, it didn’t quite work out this way for me. I believe I got to the bottom of the glass well before January was over (it was cheap, smelled nice and I had a lot of sadssss geez).

2018 has been both the longest and quickest year all at the same time. It has been draining and yet incredibly rewarding all at once. I know that makes no sense, but let me explain…

There have been so many ups and downs and stunning revelations. It’s hard to believe a year ago I was in a drunken stupor trying to piece together healing and moving forward. I managed to grow more in this one year than I have in maybe the past 2-3 combined and I am so very proud of myself.

I stepped out of my comfort zone quite frequently, which awarded me some of the most amazing experiences, introduced me to some of the most phenomenal people and reunited me with some of my favorite amigos.

I think some important themes for me this year have been:

  • step outside of my comfort zone
  • love and respect yourself first and foremost before expecting anyone to love you
  • it’s ok to stumble, but learn to recover gracefully
  • be the kind of friend, daughter, lover, co-worker that you’d want to have in return (to others)
  • find a healthy and creative way to express yourself
  • pay attention to people’s patterns. when someone shows you who they are, take note and adjust accordingly (even if that means letting them go)
  • live life by the golden rule
  • remove anyone or anything from your life that threatens your mental¬† & emotional well being
  • forgive, but do not forget. use every experience as a learning moment and reflect
  • the past is the past for a reason, look forward
  • never let an opportunity pass where you can remind the special people in your life how much they mean to you
  • baby steps, baby steps, baby steps
  • make time for YOU

I have no idea what 2019 has in store for me, but I hope whatever is ahead is amazing. I hope I continue to grow in every aspect of my life and I hope I continue to remain happy. I’m optimistic that it will be a great year.

I haven’t quite settled on a resolution, because I’m horrible at them, but these are some of the goals I have for myself:

  • travel more
  • eat better
  • manage/save money better
  • manage stress better
  • career change/advancement

Well, here’s to 2019!

Ready, Set, Reset.

My mind has been racing lately. Simply glossing over some of the posts I’ve written over the past month alone lends itself to showing how unsettled I’ve become as a person. Part of this I blame on simply being overwhelmed with how busy I am professionally (that I don’t reserve any additional energy into processing things in my personal life) and the other part I blame (though I *really* hate to) on anxiety.

While I never forget that anxiety is something I struggle deal with on a daily basis, it’s often something I neglect to show myself compassion over. I’m always kicking myself for not “growing a pair” and effortlessly maneuvering through life like everyone else seems to. Everything in life (in my mind) should be easier than this. I shouldn’t feel bothered by this. I shouldn’t feel exhausted for simply moving from day to day, week to week, month to month…I should be happy, appreciative, energized, inspired, etc…

But fun fact: I don’t.

Flashback to last Saturday night. I was out with a group of friends of mine that I’ve spent a fairly consistent amount of time with over the past year. I feel comfortable with this group of friends in a way that I don’t with other people in my life. I’m usually fully relaxed around them. After pre-gaming and roller skating (yes–we went drunken roller skating), we decided to end the evening in a local bar belting out 80s pop classics. What fun, right? What better way to spend a summer night? Easy breezy. While I found myself full of life and excitement early into the evening, towards the end of the evening (while at the bar) I felt this hefty weight of sadness consume me. It felt heavy and saturated like a wet wool blanket. My mind and heart started to race about all of the what ifs in my life and it was all I could do but to fake a smile in hopes that no one (in my friend circle or at the bar in general) would notice this mini internal crisis I was silently going suffering through. Maybe it was a combination of the one or two drinks I had and exhaustion…or perhaps I was having a mini anxiety attack, looking back on that night…I think this all came from realizing that I’m not happy with many aspects of my life right now and that I want better for myself.

The following day, I met up with two other friends of mine (separate from the friend group above) for a day trip to the beach, which was much needed. Something about sitting on the beach and listening to the waves crash is truly relaxing.

Beach - June 3rd

 

I remember doing this back around the holidays when I needed to clear my mind. I felt slightly more at ease Sunday, but still more on edge than usual, even with the waves. While with that pair of friends on Sunday, the theme of our day trip seemed to be Betterment. We all disclosed things we wanted to work on. Finances. Career Paths. Organization. Health. Relationships. Love. Patience. Acceptance. Hobbies.

I clearly need to work on all of those things and my mind started spinning as I made lists and goals as to just how I was going to manage doing all of those things better, but realistically, approaching self-improvement in that way is detrimental and in no way helping my anxiety.

I decided to narrow the broad range of things to “fix” in my life from the lengthy list that we collectively came up with down to two. Accomplishing bettering myself in those areas (or at least be well on my way) before diving into the other areas is reasonable. The two that I decided to address first were:

  • Relationships
  • Health

I selected those two areas first because there are short-term goals/issues that I’d like to accomplish/resolve that will move me into more long-term goals down the road.

As I mentioned previously, I’ve come to the conclusion that while things may naturally be fizzling out with BF anyway, I need to formally end it so that I can devote my energy into other aspects of my life. Without getting into all of the details, I’m not getting what I’d like to get out of our interactions and it’s become more of a hassle than an enjoyment to date him at this point. I act ridiculously¬†reckless¬†around him at times to an extent that I don’t even recognize who I am as a person. I like him as a person and find him to be a lovely (at times deeply troubled) guy, but I just can’t devote energy into this any longer. I’m depleted. Breaking up with someone (regardless of how formal or informal) just plain sucks. It’s awkward and you just feel like an asshole, even if it’s painfully obvious that it needs to happen. For what it’s worth, I think the situation served it’s purpose for the two of us for the time period that it needed to. It was (mostly) fun. Post “breakup”, I plan to start a dating detox. More on this later…

Health wise, I’ve kicked off this week by starting the keto diet. I’ve been stress eating (and drinking) for the past few weeks and needed to hit the reset button in order to make better choices. So far, so good. It’s been fairly manageable, especially since I’ve limited my social engagements to truly commit to sticking to the plan. I already feel like a boost in my energy levels and have noticed more restful sleep five days in. I plan to do this for at least another week or so before incorporating a regular exercise routine back into my day…days?

So that’s all that I’ve got for now. All of the other things I’d love to work on are on the back burner for now until I work through the first two areas or my anxiety levels itself off. Whichever comes first.

Baby steps.

Wheel O’ Moods

Part of my goals for the new year was to focus on self care and part of that is recognizing my moods and what triggers them. Obviously, I haven’t been myself the past few months, but sometimes taking time to step back and understand the root of why and what triggers these moods is instrumental.

About three weeks ago, I downloaded this app called, “self checkout“. It’s this cool app that allows you to “check in” regarding your mood. If you fail to check in, the app reminds you and also suggests a self care tip.

When I first downloaded the app, my moods were all over the place (so much so that you can barely see them all on the wheel below) . I’m pretty sure I hit every mood on the spectrum .

 

 

I’m starting to notice that my moods are leveling out and as that happens, I’m feeling more like myself again for the first time in months:

 

 

Seeing a visual of this progress is rewarding because not only do I feel better, but I can also see a visual representation of just how much better I’m feeling. It shows that I’m starting to lean more towards being “ok” and “content” and less “down”. This lets me know I’m almost out of the woods and I can see the clearing.

Speaking of my moods stabilizing, I’ve been quite the social butterfly lately (with friends) and I’ve able to entertain dating a little more seriously. I’ve somehow managed to have three dates planned for later on this week with guys that aren’t seamlessly the scum of the earth. Nothing is promised yet, but this is definitely a step in the right direction from where I came from a few months ago.

Hello, 2018.

2018

I spent much of the last few hours of 2017 randomly road tripping and being fairly intoxicated, but in the midst of all of this craziness, I did take time to reflect on 2017 as a whole. The ups, the downs, the in between moments. I think 2017 as a whole wasn’t a bad year for me. Many amazing things happened and I learned some very valuable life lessons, including allowing myself to to fall in love and be loved in return.

Speaking of which, I briefly spoke to my ex yesterday while on the road. We had a cordial conversation and wished each other a Happy New Year. At the conclusion of our text message conversation, I told him that I hoped 2018 would be a great year for him and I genuinely meant it. He deserves it just as much as I do. Through all of this, I honestly believe he has been as nice as he possibly can be given the situation. This statement was also my way of saying goodbye to him indefinitely. I really don’t want to bring any of that into 2018. I’ve spent enough time and energy on it. I want to let go and move on and I will never be able to do that if we’re still in communication with one another. I will never be able to open my heart to someone else if I’m still stuck on this. This is not to say that I won’t EVER speak to him again, I just need a extended detox. I started the process of taking this detox seriously, by removing photos of him from my phone. I didn’t delete them forever and always, just moved them off of my phone and to a drive. I look forward to the day when/if we reconnect and we’re able to catch up on life as¬† old friends. I still support him in all that he does, as I told him I would a few days ago.

While bringing the new year in with one of my best friends and another one of his friends, I got a phone call from blast from the past wishing me a happy new year. He’s called every year for the past five years. The only year he missed was the first year we met where we spent it together.¬†We sort of lost touch halfway through last year and of course I went MIA after hoping into a relationship that I never really told him about (even when we were in his city visiting for a day last year). I also intentionally refused to speak to him after he never returned my calls and texts telling him I needed a friend to talk to after the break up. When I did finally CALL HIM he addressed my messages, but never explained why he didn’t RETURN my cry for help. Anyway, I’m trying to shed holding grudges and being angry with people in 2018. I’d like to work on our friendship in the coming year and that starts with open communication. I don’t believe we need to be best friends or even speak on a daily basis, but I do want to have confidence in our friendship and that’s something I lost at the end of last year.

Speaking of things I want to work on in this year (not in any order of importance):

  • Maintaining a healthy lifestyle (physically, emotionally, mentally)
  • Being more open/honest with my emotions/needs
  • Financial stability
  • Keeping my heart open, but not wearing it on my sleeve
  • Staying more organized

Fingers crossed that I’m able to accomplish these goals–I won’t refer to them as “resolutions”, because these are things I’ve technically been working on since the end of last year anyway.

Here’s to a new year. May it be a good one ūüôā

 

On Mending

Google, “heartbreak” and “how to deal with heartbreak” on the internet and you’ll find a wide spectrum of advice columns on the subject matter. Some are particularly encouraging and motivating and suggest doing things like taking up yoga (wait, I did actually do this) or volunteering in your community (that too) to feel better and others are negative and basically state that not only will you experience again (and most likely worse), but it most likely happened to you this time around because you’re a terrible person (so ok, I’m exaggerating just a tad).

I take everything with a grain of salt these days. There is no easy “fix” to heartbreak and everyone is different. There is no sound proof recipe to follow. Everyone’s relationships are different, the reasons behind why those relationships failed, the people in them¬†and the reasons why they started in the first place are all different. Maybe one person’s way to get through heartbreak is to jump out of a plane, while someone else’s might be to throw themselves into work (not recommended for me).

If there’s anything that I’ve discovered about myself over the past six weeks or so is that no amount of yoga or skydiving is going to “fix me”. I have to essentially find ways to self-reflect and readjust my energy (and attitude) to focus on more positive areas of my life like my friends, family and even acquiring a new skill. It’s been going ok so far. I still don’t sleep particularly well at night, but I’m working on it.

Recently, I’ve found myself diving into skills that my ex either did or we did together. In a strange round about way, it’s therapeutic to me to accomplish these things on my own. it’s almost my way of proving that I can do it and in some cases do it¬†¬†better than he did (of course, he wasn’t great at EVERYTHING, but he mastered A LOT of really cool skills well. I of course mastered smearing makeup on his pillow cases, falling asleep on him while watching almost ANYTHING on netflix, never being able to finish whatever portion of food he made for me and unintentionally becoming inebriated after one glass of bourbon–where is my cookie for this outstanding craftsmanship?!). I did this with Kayaking while visiting the Dominican Republic a few weeks ago (kayaking was not one of these things that I was better at–but I managed to do it and didn’t die in the process). Will I ever do it again? Maybe…perhaps in a lake on a non-windy day.

flipping over

Check.

Cooking is another thing I’ve started to focus more energy on. I’ve never considered myself a bad cook, just lazy. My ex however, was a marvelous cook and regularly made these masterpieces for us to share just because he wanted to. I never cooked anything for him, because again I’m lazy, but I DID bake for him a few times and he seemed to be appreciative of that. On our second date, he invited me over to his place where we made homemade pizza together (we’re both pizza snobs) while drinking sipping bourbon neat (which I’m learning to appreciate). This was not only a fun activity to share, but a knowledgeable one as well.

I’ll never forget coming home after being away on business for a week. He invited me over for dinner the following night where he made this elaborate moroccan dish with like 500 ingredients (so ok, I’m exaggerating–but it was at least 50–because I SEENT IT…most of them were seasonings, herbs and spices I couldn’t spell or pronounce), including one spice that tops out at $20 a jar (was this gold dust? He was probably flexin–why would anyone spend $20 alone on a spice? By the way, it was called, “Saffron”).

i seent it

The dish took him an entire day to “prep” and nearly 2 hours to actively “cook” and god know how long to shop for all of the ingredients (this most certainly was love). While I didn’t really help with this one (I did stir, brown the chicken and introduce him to merlot!), it really motivated me to be more creative in my “masterpieces” in the kitchen. Like bloody hell, why am I not prepping for an entire day and buying exotic spices? I’m happy to report that while I didn’t recreate this specific dish (girl, bye), I have managed to do my thing in the kitchen with a few elaborate meals. I’ve even used cast iron (his prefered method of making said masterpieces) as well as teaching myself how to season, clean and maintain the skillet (doable, but labor intensive and I’m still lazy).

meal

(Actual moroccan dish he made AND the merlot that I so graciously provided-full of NOMs–I flexed FOR him on the ‘gram)

Another Check. Difficulty level, 2 (scale of 1-5).

In a bizarre way, accomplishing the things I mentioned as well as running, picking up a new sport to get into, hanging out with friends/family, volunteering/learning how to make/bottle bourbon (and others I’m too lazy to type out), it makes me feel better and more at peace. It’s almost as if it allows me to take him off of a pedestal and remove the notion that I need him there (of course there are some very¬†specific things that he did quite well (QUITE¬†with a capital¬†“Q”)¬†that I’m not physically able to do (at least on my own)–ha, but that’s not for a public post.

wink

I’ve still been keeping up my goal of not being in contact with him for a little while and I’m happy to report that I’ve done well. Tomorrow makes two solid weeks. While we haven’t communicated via text or verbally, I’ve seen him here and there (in traffic) around our side of town. In living ten minutes from one another and knowing each other’s routines and shopping habits, that’s bound to happen (I just really hope we don’t run into each other in Walmart). For instance, he was at an intersection I passed early last Saturday morning. He’s a fan of grocery shopping once a week on Saturday mornings.

My emotions still kind of shift and level out from day to day, but the fluctuations are becoming less and less frequent and my moods are starting to remain a little more consistent. I have moments of sadness, but not nearly as many. I notice that as long as I try not to sit idle for too long, not read texts from him, peruse through photos of him (or us) and actually stay on top of taking my anxiety medication, I am ok.

I’ve also come to realization that this particular breakup hit me hardest of all because I was on the verge of being in love(d) with him and he loved me too. He treated me far better than any other guy, even right up towards the end. It took this relationship for me to realize that I’ve probably never truly been in love in the way I thought I was (even with another ex who was emotionally unavailable¬†and is STILL a terrible friend to this damn day).¬†Strong like, yes….even strong toleration (see above), absolutely, but never true love.

heart break

I’ve read that our brains really treat heartbreak like an illness.¬†Your body goes through all of these periods of attempting to “fight it off” and you’re basically out of sorts with yourself for a little bit…even the one who initiated the break up. It’s just a weird period of time. I like to think my ex WENT or is going through this, but outside of saying he was a little sad, drowning himself in work on purpose, not sleeping and looking like death warmed over, I’m not sure. It’s not my place to ask. I hope he’s able to eventually heal/mend too.

So there you go, I’ve officially experienced true heartbreak and I’m still standing (queue Elton John’s, “I’m still standing” with some shimmies, glitter and body rolls–YASSSSSS). I am also proud to admit that I honestly don’t resent my ex and have found no true reason to “hate him” (and I shamefully DID try to find a reason a few weeks ago). He’s a good person with a huge heart and while it didn’t work out between us, I still wish him well with his life. I just appreciate that we were able to do this peacefully.

Super Late Update!

I have been terrible about updating this blog. My entire purpose in starting it was to basically regurgitate the ridiculousness of my life, but somehow I got caught up in work, “adulting” and personal crises to really give it the true attention that it deserves.

I’ll just cut to the chase because I’m not in the mood to be poetic or overly descriptive with my life, but I’m happy to report that I am now happily in a relationship. Yes, I have a boyfriend. Not a “situationship”, not a “we’re casually, kind of dating”, not a “FWB”, an actual, “we claim each other in public and among friends/family,” boyfriend.

At least

If you were to tell me several months ago that I would have this amazing guy stroll into my life (and with PURPOSE), I probably would have thought that was bullshit. I mean after all, I truly believed I had found “that guy” and was somewhat devastated when things didn’t work out. Actually no, I think my pride was just bruised.

Today makes two months together (in a relationship) and while that seems like a short period of time, it’s been nothing short but an amazing two months. I couldn’t ask for a more thoughtful/caring, intelligent, trustworthy, funny, talented, attractive partner in crime. Everything I’ve ever longed for in a guy….he embodies that and THEN some, with a smile.

As cheesy as it sounds, he still gives me butterflies every time we get together and I can’t help but to smile each time I see his name roll across my phone.

One of the things I like the most about him is how open, clear and determined he is with how he feels. He doesn’t have a problem telling me everyday/night how he feels about me (verbally, via text, over the phone, etc)…and us or how beautiful he thinks I am.¬†In fact, from the beginning, he was very serious about the concept of us being together and made it clear that he wasn’t there to waste my time and guess what? His words and actions actually matched up. Go figure?

appaulse

While I want to run around telling everyone how awesome this guy is (uh, because he IS), I’m really trying to be calm and somewhat coy.

happy gif

Everyone doesn’t need to know every single thing we do/say/experience. While we’re very¬†publically in a relationship on facebook (and out in public in general) and our friends/family know we’re in a relationship with one another, I’ve intentionally kept most things just between us and I think he’s ok with that. This is not to say that I’m ashamed of him, because I’m very proud to call him mine… I’m just not big on flaunting relationships on social media because it can be obnoxious after a while. No one cares to see every single thing ya’ll ate or places your happy asses went for 2-7+ consecutive days! FOH.

Our time together is really special to me and I want that to just be shared between the two of us right now.

Yeah, so that’s my update. I don’t care to update about the other boring aspects of my life, because why? No point. All is well.

 

All I Want to Do is Eat

I have no idea what’s wrong with me, but lately (within the past 1-2 weeks), all I’ve wanted to do was eattttttttttt. Granted, I “eat”, but I’ve wanted to eat legit super shitty food…like this cookie bar I’m currently smashing after eating a BLT sandwich leftover from a meeting at work yesterday.

patrick

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Crazy Little Thing Called…

Life has been¬†extremely busy lately, both professionally and socially, but this hasn’t necessarily been a bad thing. While I’ve pulled some long intense days at work, I’ve managed to go out and “be social” every day in the past week (yay). This little accomplishment has helped with stress and my periodic anxiety and depression.

One of the reasons in my boost in social activity has been this guy. We’ve been out two additional times since I wrote that post and they’ve been blast. When I first starting speaking to him, I did anticipate anything worthwhile coming out of our interactions. He was nice, intelligent, adorable and could hold a conversation, but he’s really thrown a wrench in my plans emotions. He’s so attentive, funny, understanding and sweet.

I told myself when I last posted that I was going to refrain from kissing him, but well…I gave into it Saturday night…multiple times and I’m glad that I did. Long story short, we ended the evening at his place just to get out of the cold. He was extremely respectful the entire time.

We went out again Wednesday night after work and spent four hours talking and laughing about our jobs and everything else. It really only felt like half an hour until we both realized we had been sitting there four entire hours. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been engrossed in conversation with someone to the point of losing track of time. Since we parked in opposite directions, he walked me to my car, as he’s done pretty much every time we’ve been out no matter how far away I parked from him and of course we kissed again. I can’t help but to feel kind of giggly afterwards, like I’m back in middle school. I have no idea where that’s coming from other than the fact that I’m deeply conflicted on whether or not I sincerely want to be so free with my emotions right now. He noticed my weird school girlish reaction and told me to let him know if he ever does¬†anything that makes me feel uncomfortable and then I felt like a fool!

Truth be told, I do like him and that scares me, so my defense mechanism is to just¬†goof during our embraces and affections. I think part of me is shocked that he likes me this much and the other part of me is thinking, “surely this will end soon, no need to get attached”. We spoke about this later on in the night (after we both got home) and I assured him by no means is he making me uncomfortable, but that I’m just weird. I told him he was doing “everything right” (which he is). He seemed¬†to understand and reassured me that he, “really liked me and enjoys spending time with me”. We could also be on the same wavelength since I recently found out we’re the same zodiac sign and our birthdays are exactly a week apart.

Oh Boy.

On another semi related note, I’m going out of town this weekend to visit him (situationship guy).Usually I’m over the moon excited about the trip, but this time around I’m kind of indifferent also kind of tired. When we spoke briefly last night, it just felt kind of bland. Maybe I was tired or distracted (I was in walmart), but I couldn’t put my finger on it. He asked me if I could help him get a new mattress since of course I have an suv to tie it to (eye roll).

Really? I am just someone you use to haul your shit now?!

I know he didn’t mean it in that way, but the notion of it¬†slightly agitated me. ¬†Maybe I’m agigtated because I’m starting to realize how it feels to be around someone who is open emotionally and how I know I’m going to go there this weekend to most likely be disappointed by something he does or doesn’t do. Same routine, same song and dance. I don’t know. Maybe he’ll completely prove me wrong. It will be interesting to see how the weekend unfolds. All I know is, the bar has been raised and he better step up. One thing I am doing differently with him this year is not wasting my money on getting him a Valentine’s day gift. Usually we’ll exchange gifts, but since we’re not always¬†around each other on the actual day it’s through the mail, or in his case, comes one or more months later when he comes into town for work (better late than never?).

Welp. Here’s to the freakin’ weekend.

Initiation.

I feel like I always initiate communication with a lot of the people in my life and it’s exhausting. There are a group of people that will (occasionally) return the favor and I really appreciate them for that.

Just like everyone else, I go through things, I have reasons to celebrate, etc and it’s nice knowing your friend or family member cares and wants to check in with you from time to time.

As a friend, daughter, granddaughter, cousin, etc, I feel like I go out of my way to check in and stay in touch and those same people are not sharing that responsibility.

I understand and respect that everyone is busy (including me most days), but no one should be made to feel like they are in a one sided relationship (romantic or otherwise).

Thirty has opened my eyes to many life lessons in these 7 months and I’m starting to see that I’m expending a great deal of energy on these particular situations.

Maybe I’m over-analyzing this situation or maybe I just need to learn not to care. Either way, change is going to come.