On Mending

Google, “heartbreak” and “how to deal with heartbreak” on the internet and you’ll find a wide spectrum of advice columns on the subject matter. Some are particularly encouraging and motivating and suggest doing things like taking up yoga (wait, I did actually do this) or volunteering in your community (that too) to feel better and others are negative and basically state that not only will you experience again (and most likely worse), but it most likely happened to you this time around because you’re a terrible person (so ok, I’m exaggerating just a tad).

I take everything with a grain of salt these days. There is no easy “fix” to heartbreak and everyone is different. There is no sound proof recipe to follow. Everyone’s relationships are different, the reasons behind why those relationships failed, the people in them and the reasons why they started in the first place are all different. Maybe one person’s way to get through heartbreak is to jump out of a plane, while someone else’s might be to throw themselves into work (not recommended for me).

If there’s anything that I’ve discovered about myself over the past six weeks or so is that no amount of yoga or skydiving is going to “fix me”. I have to essentially find ways to self-reflect and readjust my energy (and attitude) to focus on more positive areas of my life like my friends, family and even acquiring a new skill. It’s been going ok so far. I still don’t sleep particularly well at night, but I’m working on it.

Recently, I’ve found myself diving into skills that my ex either did or we did together. In a strange round about way, it’s therapeutic to me to accomplish these things on my own. it’s almost my way of proving that I can do it and in some cases do it  better than he did (of course, he wasn’t great at EVERYTHING, but he mastered A LOT of really cool skills well. I of course mastered smearing makeup on his pillow cases, falling asleep on him while watching almost ANYTHING on netflix, never being able to finish whatever portion of food he made for me and unintentionally becoming inebriated after one glass of bourbon–where is my cookie for this outstanding craftsmanship?!). I did this with Kayaking while visiting the Dominican Republic a few weeks ago (kayaking was not one of these things that I was better at–but I managed to do it and didn’t die in the process). Will I ever do it again? Maybe…perhaps in a lake on a non-windy day.

flipping over

Check.

Cooking is another thing I’ve started to focus more energy on. I’ve never considered myself a bad cook, just lazy. My ex however, was a marvelous cook and regularly made these masterpieces for us to share just because he wanted to. I never cooked anything for him, because again I’m lazy, but I DID bake for him a few times and he seemed to be appreciative of that. On our second date, he invited me over to his place where we made homemade pizza together (we’re both pizza snobs) while drinking sipping bourbon neat (which I’m learning to appreciate). This was not only a fun activity to share, but a knowledgeable one as well.

I’ll never forget coming home after being away on business for a week. He invited me over for dinner the following night where he made this elaborate moroccan dish with like 500 ingredients (so ok, I’m exaggerating–but it was at least 50–because I SEENT IT…most of them were seasonings, herbs and spices I couldn’t spell or pronounce), including one spice that tops out at $20 a jar (was this gold dust? He was probably flexin–why would anyone spend $20 alone on a spice? By the way, it was called, “Saffron”).

i seent it

The dish took him an entire day to “prep” and nearly 2 hours to actively “cook” and god know how long to shop for all of the ingredients (this most certainly was love). While I didn’t really help with this one (I did stir, brown the chicken and introduce him to merlot!), it really motivated me to be more creative in my “masterpieces” in the kitchen. Like bloody hell, why am I not prepping for an entire day and buying exotic spices? I’m happy to report that while I didn’t recreate this specific dish (girl, bye), I have managed to do my thing in the kitchen with a few elaborate meals. I’ve even used cast iron (his prefered method of making said masterpieces) as well as teaching myself how to season, clean and maintain the skillet (doable, but labor intensive and I’m still lazy).

meal

(Actual moroccan dish he made AND the merlot that I so graciously provided-full of NOMs–I flexed FOR him on the ‘gram)

Another Check. Difficulty level, 2 (scale of 1-5).

In a bizarre way, accomplishing the things I mentioned as well as running, picking up a new sport to get into, hanging out with friends/family, volunteering/learning how to make/bottle bourbon (and others I’m too lazy to type out), it makes me feel better and more at peace. It’s almost as if it allows me to take him off of a pedestal and remove the notion that I need him there (of course there are some very specific things that he did quite well (QUITE with a capital “Q”) that I’m not physically able to do (at least on my own)–ha, but that’s not for a public post.

wink

I’ve still been keeping up my goal of not being in contact with him for a little while and I’m happy to report that I’ve done well. Tomorrow makes two solid weeks. While we haven’t communicated via text or verbally, I’ve seen him here and there (in traffic) around our side of town. In living ten minutes from one another and knowing each other’s routines and shopping habits, that’s bound to happen (I just really hope we don’t run into each other in Walmart). For instance, he was at an intersection I passed early last Saturday morning. He’s a fan of grocery shopping once a week on Saturday mornings.

My emotions still kind of shift and level out from day to day, but the fluctuations are becoming less and less frequent and my moods are starting to remain a little more consistent. I have moments of sadness, but not nearly as many. I notice that as long as I try not to sit idle for too long, not read texts from him, peruse through photos of him (or us) and actually stay on top of taking my anxiety medication, I am ok.

I’ve also come to realization that this particular breakup hit me hardest of all because I was on the verge of being in love(d) with him and he loved me too. He treated me far better than any other guy, even right up towards the end. It took this relationship for me to realize that I’ve probably never truly been in love in the way I thought I was (even with another ex who was emotionally unavailable and is STILL a terrible friend to this damn day). Strong like, yes….even strong toleration (see above), absolutely, but never true love.

heart break

I’ve read that our brains really treat heartbreak like an illness. Your body goes through all of these periods of attempting to “fight it off” and you’re basically out of sorts with yourself for a little bit…even the one who initiated the break up. It’s just a weird period of time. I like to think my ex WENT or is going through this, but outside of saying he was a little sad, drowning himself in work on purpose, not sleeping and looking like death warmed over, I’m not sure. It’s not my place to ask. I hope he’s able to eventually heal/mend too.

So there you go, I’ve officially experienced true heartbreak and I’m still standing (queue Elton John’s, “I’m still standing” with some shimmies, glitter and body rolls–YASSSSSS). I am also proud to admit that I honestly don’t resent my ex and have found no true reason to “hate him” (and I shamefully DID try to find a reason a few weeks ago). He’s a good person with a huge heart and while it didn’t work out between us, I still wish him well with his life. I just appreciate that we were able to do this peacefully.

Advertisements

Super Late Update!

I have been terrible about updating this blog. My entire purpose in starting it was to basically regurgitate the ridiculousness of my life, but somehow I got caught up in work, “adulting” and personal crises to really give it the true attention that it deserves.

I’ll just cut to the chase because I’m not in the mood to be poetic or overly descriptive with my life, but I’m happy to report that I am now happily in a relationship. Yes, I have a boyfriend. Not a “situationship”, not a “we’re casually, kind of dating”, not a “FWB”, an actual, “we claim each other in public and among friends/family,” boyfriend.

At least

If you were to tell me several months ago that I would have this amazing guy stroll into my life (and with PURPOSE), I probably would have thought that was bullshit. I mean after all, I truly believed I had found “that guy” and was somewhat devastated when things didn’t work out. Actually no, I think my pride was just bruised.

Today makes two months together (in a relationship) and while that seems like a short period of time, it’s been nothing short but an amazing two months. I couldn’t ask for a more thoughtful/caring, intelligent, trustworthy, funny, talented, attractive partner in crime. Everything I’ve ever longed for in a guy….he embodies that and THEN some, with a smile.

As cheesy as it sounds, he still gives me butterflies every time we get together and I can’t help but to smile each time I see his name roll across my phone.

One of the things I like the most about him is how open, clear and determined he is with how he feels. He doesn’t have a problem telling me everyday/night how he feels about me (verbally, via text, over the phone, etc)…and us or how beautiful he thinks I amIn fact, from the beginning, he was very serious about the concept of us being together and made it clear that he wasn’t there to waste my time and guess what? His words and actions actually matched up. Go figure?

appaulse

While I want to run around telling everyone how awesome this guy is (uh, because he IS), I’m really trying to be calm and somewhat coy.

happy gif

Everyone doesn’t need to know every single thing we do/say/experience. While we’re very publically in a relationship on facebook (and out in public in general) and our friends/family know we’re in a relationship with one another, I’ve intentionally kept most things just between us and I think he’s ok with that. This is not to say that I’m ashamed of him, because I’m very proud to call him mine… I’m just not big on flaunting relationships on social media because it can be obnoxious after a while. No one cares to see every single thing ya’ll ate or places your happy asses went for 2-7+ consecutive days! FOH.

Our time together is really special to me and I want that to just be shared between the two of us right now.

Yeah, so that’s my update. I don’t care to update about the other boring aspects of my life, because why? No point. All is well.

 

All I Want to Do is Eat

I have no idea what’s wrong with me, but lately (within the past 1-2 weeks), all I’ve wanted to do was eattttttttttt. Granted, I “eat”, but I’ve wanted to eat legit super shitty food…like this cookie bar I’m currently smashing after eating a BLT sandwich leftover from a meeting at work yesterday.

patrick

Read More

Crazy Little Thing Called…

Life has been extremely busy lately, both professionally and socially, but this hasn’t necessarily been a bad thing. While I’ve pulled some long intense days at work, I’ve managed to go out and “be social” every day in the past week (yay). This little accomplishment has helped with stress and my periodic anxiety and depression.

One of the reasons in my boost in social activity has been this guy. We’ve been out two additional times since I wrote that post and they’ve been blast. When I first starting speaking to him, I did anticipate anything worthwhile coming out of our interactions. He was nice, intelligent, adorable and could hold a conversation, but he’s really thrown a wrench in my plans emotions. He’s so attentive, funny, understanding and sweet.

I told myself when I last posted that I was going to refrain from kissing him, but well…I gave into it Saturday night…multiple times and I’m glad that I did. Long story short, we ended the evening at his place just to get out of the cold. He was extremely respectful the entire time.

We went out again Wednesday night after work and spent four hours talking and laughing about our jobs and everything else. It really only felt like half an hour until we both realized we had been sitting there four entire hours. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been engrossed in conversation with someone to the point of losing track of time. Since we parked in opposite directions, he walked me to my car, as he’s done pretty much every time we’ve been out no matter how far away I parked from him and of course we kissed again. I can’t help but to feel kind of giggly afterwards, like I’m back in middle school. I have no idea where that’s coming from other than the fact that I’m deeply conflicted on whether or not I sincerely want to be so free with my emotions right now. He noticed my weird school girlish reaction and told me to let him know if he ever does anything that makes me feel uncomfortable and then I felt like a fool!

Truth be told, I do like him and that scares me, so my defense mechanism is to just goof during our embraces and affections. I think part of me is shocked that he likes me this much and the other part of me is thinking, “surely this will end soon, no need to get attached”. We spoke about this later on in the night (after we both got home) and I assured him by no means is he making me uncomfortable, but that I’m just weird. I told him he was doing “everything right” (which he is). He seemed to understand and reassured me that he, “really liked me and enjoys spending time with me”. We could also be on the same wavelength since I recently found out we’re the same zodiac sign and our birthdays are exactly a week apart.

Oh Boy.

On another semi related note, I’m going out of town this weekend to visit him (situationship guy).Usually I’m over the moon excited about the trip, but this time around I’m kind of indifferent also kind of tired. When we spoke briefly last night, it just felt kind of bland. Maybe I was tired or distracted (I was in walmart), but I couldn’t put my finger on it. He asked me if I could help him get a new mattress since of course I have an suv to tie it to (eye roll).

Really? I am just someone you use to haul your shit now?!

I know he didn’t mean it in that way, but the notion of it slightly agitated me.  Maybe I’m agigtated because I’m starting to realize how it feels to be around someone who is open emotionally and how I know I’m going to go there this weekend to most likely be disappointed by something he does or doesn’t do. Same routine, same song and dance. I don’t know. Maybe he’ll completely prove me wrong. It will be interesting to see how the weekend unfolds. All I know is, the bar has been raised and he better step up. One thing I am doing differently with him this year is not wasting my money on getting him a Valentine’s day gift. Usually we’ll exchange gifts, but since we’re not always around each other on the actual day it’s through the mail, or in his case, comes one or more months later when he comes into town for work (better late than never?).

Welp. Here’s to the freakin’ weekend.

Initiation.

I feel like I always initiate communication with a lot of the people in my life and it’s exhausting. There are a group of people that will (occasionally) return the favor and I really appreciate them for that.

Just like everyone else, I go through things, I have reasons to celebrate, etc and it’s nice knowing your friend or family member cares and wants to check in with you from time to time.

As a friend, daughter, granddaughter, cousin, etc, I feel like I go out of my way to check in and stay in touch and those same people are not sharing that responsibility.

I understand and respect that everyone is busy (including me most days), but no one should be made to feel like they are in a one sided relationship (romantic or otherwise).

Thirty has opened my eyes to many life lessons in these 7 months and I’m starting to see that I’m expending a great deal of energy on these particular situations.

Maybe I’m over-analyzing this situation or maybe I just need to learn not to care. Either way, change is going to come.

My Feelings Need A Brain

I spend the a lot of my day concerning myself with how other people feel, how I come across to people, how maybe I could have said or done something a little differently and some days it just mentally and emotionally drains me. Truth me told, some people will be butthurt regardless of what/how you say/do something. It’s inevitable and as I’ve grown older, I’ve learned to spend a little less of my time occupying brain space with this.

But there are still times where I step outside of myself to say, “wow, I was really an asshole”.

Take the other day for instance. I was in a funny and fucked up mood. I’m not even sure if it was entirely the fling’s obnoxious fault, but mostly because I was in a funny mental and emotional space (and I was extremely sleep deprived). I’m a different person than I was a year ago and I have different priorities. Things I found semi useful to concern myself with seem like a waste of energy now.

I guess I was a tad off putting, but mostly because I didn’t want our only interactions to be the tango in the sheets and I just knew in his mind that was his primary goal for the end of the evening. Been there, done that. Is it wrong of me to assume this guy has an ounce of favorable qualities to just be a great companion? Apparently. I can’t think of much else he has to offer. I guess when he was genuinely interested he put in effort and will carry on a conversation, but I wonder if that was all was a ploy. Perhaps.

I’m really jaded towards a lot of guys for that reason.

Another reason I think I might have been coy is disconnected is because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. He runs circles around the fling and even though they’re in the same career, they are as different as night and day. He reminds me what it’s like to be treated like a lady and not a piece of meat. I never go out with him feeling like I “owe” him anything.  I’m visiting him for this upcoming long weekend and I guess my mind has mostly been there and not here, dealing with the fling.

Anyway, part of me feeling like I should apologize to the fling for maybe being a bit distant. I think he mentioned getting together this evening, but I’m sure that means dropping me a text at 10 p.m. talking about, “Hey, I’m about to go to bed, come over and cuddle.” As if I’m not important enough to make ACTUAL plans with prior to going to bed…

 

side eye and walk away.jpg

Hell, I might not even be awake to side eye the text message because I’m just that tired. Maybe that’s for the best anyway *mutes phone*.

Old Flames (that won’t die out)


I believe he really likes me and that’s scary. It’s scary, because I know in the back crevices of my mind that feeling is mutual. Beyond all of his quirkiness, he’s a genuinely sweet guy, that would do just about anything for me without expecting anything in return. He’s really intelligent, funny & independent. We’ve been here before…nearly 4 years ago, when we were actually dating and it was mutually understood that we were progressing towards something serious, but then everything went to shit…

He’s been different lately. He’s really “grown up” in these past few years. He’s not as selfish, he really listens, he fixes things around my house or on my car, loves my cat,  pays for dinner, drinks, movies, he spent 2 hours helping my dad build a gazebo two weeks ago!! He just brought me $100 router because he remembered me mentioning that mine was on the fritz (and he set it up for me)–yes, I know this entire paragraph is a grammatical mess.

What normal friend does any of that?  Don’t get me wrong, my friends are all awesome people, but my point is that they aren’t wining and dining me and trying to impress my parents.

When we talk on the phone he’s  encouraging when I’m stressed & actually asks my how I FEEL instead of being dismissive and rambling on about himself while I just listen. He now says things like, “It’s always good to talk to you”,  “I’m looking forward to seeing you”, or “I really had a good time with you”.

When we’re having a conversation face to face sometimes he’ll just gaze at me and smile, even if I’m not saying anything humorous. It’s like he’s in the clouds.


He often slips up and refers to my place as “home” in letting me know he’s on the way and I don’t correct him. After all, he has a key for a while and every time he leaves, he leaves a trail of his toiletries behind, which I believe is on purpose. Both of my bathrooms are littered with shower gels, shampoos, shaving creams, hair gels, deodorants, toothpastes, mouthwashes, etc. and several articles of his clothing are strung around the house. You would think I have a man living with me full time. I don’t tend to leave things at his place, at least not on purpose. My toiletries cost too much money to part with them for weeks on end like that.

He lives about two hours away now (we used to live in the same city, but he got a new job about 2.5 years ago after stomping on my heart to breifly see someone else), but his company has an office here in town that very frequently (at least lately) seems to send him there. I’m starting to think that he’s just volunteering to come here for any reason at all and using his job as an excuse to visit me. Of course he does visit without coming here for work occasionally.

My assessment with all of this is that he cares and probably wants something more, but may not be confident enough to make that move or may be afraid that he fucked up that opportunity years ago. I’m not always that easy to read, I admit that, but in my defense, I always make it known if I’ve enjoyed someone’s company or if I miss them. I always tell him these things, always have.

Ultimately, it could be a slippery slope though, especially with how things ended the last time we decided to date.Throw in the added complexity of it being long distance (about a 2-2.5 hour drive), and you’ve got a really tricky situation. I value our friendship too much to let that go if things go south (again). Part of me doesn’t want to entertain any part of this charade, because throwing labels on things too quickly can backfire, but at the same time, I’ve had numerous reminders lately that life is moving while I’m still stuck in neutral thinking, “what if”.

I attended an old friend’s baby shower the other day. We’re the same age and she’s married and VERY pregnant. Some other high school acquaintances were there and one of them happened to mention how she had been married for seven years. It really made me wonder where the hell I went wrong in life? Shouldn’t I be married or at least in a serious relationship ?

I know I shouldn’t compare myself to my peers, but it does put a different perspective on this situation and how I want something substainal. I want to know that the guy I’m with is very serious about our relationship and in growing together. I’m getting too old for samples and trial memberships.

Maybe I’m  just realizing that I’m lonely…

 

Refocus.

In honor of the twitter trending topic #wastehistime2016, I decided now would be as good as any time to start blogging semi-regularly again.

It’s funny, because the trending topic brought up many memories of just how messy and wasteful 2015 was for me in terms of “dating”. I’m going to leave that in quotes because I don’t particularly want to claim any of the guys that I “dated” last year. I’d like to indefinitely cut ties with  most all of them and move forward with 2016 on a squeaky clean slate.

The most recent guy I dated (this is not in quotations because he willingly went around publically telling people we were actually dating after the first week?–WTF), turned out to be the biggest waste of time and energy from all of last year hands down. I’m not going to go into a great deal of detail about him, but I learned the valuable lesson of never rebounding with someone else who is also on the rebound, because you both tend to be messy as hell and move entirely too quickly with no defined path. We had our fun here and there, but the situation would have never realistically sustained itself in the long run. There were so many flags on the play.

Anyway, I have found myself to be exhausted after that situation (and last year in general), so I’ve decided to take a break from dating to heal and refocus. I’d like to refocus on my career, my hobbies, family, friends and blogging!

Here’s to hoping that 2016 is better than 2015 and that I find my inner peace.

I also hope to actually keep up with blogging this year.